Can anyone tell me or talk me out of being a douchs bag like my ex is being. I mean everyone keeps telling me forget about her, move on, and its over forever, BUT to be nice. Don't post any strong blogs on my Facebook page. Don't throw stuff on there to piss her off. Umm if I'm never going to see her again, and we are not going to be in each others lives, why should I care what pisses her off? Am I missing something. Cause if the only reason is me being the bigger person, well I've over that.:mad: Got nooooo use for being the bigger person. None at t'all.

As a frame of reference. I'm going to sell the engagement ring, and take some of the money, and take me a trip on the weekend we were supposed to get married. I'm going to Hedonism III. I was going to post pics from the trip on my Facebook with the Caption "I sold my engagement ring, and all I got was a trip to Hedo III" Since we have a few mutual "friends" some of my closer friends think that's too much.

I personally think that's a hilarious line. :o

I have just used this answer to another post here a little while ago:-

On the market there is a very good fly
Exterminator, called FLICK.
They are very proud of their logo:-
ONE FLICK AND THEY ARE GONE!

For your own sake, adopt their logo .

Dude, I understand you're upset, and all you want to do is blow off steam. But when people mean "get over the ex...but be nice" it means just that. Continue on your life as if she never existed. Move on. Don't be an @sshole. Don't come up with stupid things (such as that album title) and hope your ex sees it and feel bad or make some comment to it.

Think of it like this. If she DOES make a comment, then what? If she DOESN'T, then what?

If you're just being a jerk to be a jerk, trust me, you'll look back on this in a couple of months (or years) and go, "that was immature."

I've been there. I've thought of it. Trust me, simply moving on and just dealing with your own life (this doesn't mean "being the bigger person," it just means, being your own person) is the best way to get over this.

If you post a "revenge" picture of say, you and a girl having a great time... then what... you check her fbook and she has a picture of her having a great time with another guy, then what? It's a neverending battle that just eventually drains you.

Simply move on, treat her like a stranger, don't put any effort into her in any way (positive or negative), and things will work out in the end.

I hear you. Though honestly when I came up with the idea, wasn't even thinking about her. I just thought it was funny, and told my friend about it. AND that's when I got the whole "be nice" conversation. And then I asked myself why should I care about being nice, and then I came to ask yaw what you thought. And I am not her friend on Facebook and will not asking to be. I may yell, I may scream, I may plead to have her back at times (here , not to her), but one thing you will NEVER hear me say is I'm willing to be friends with her. I've been clear on that front. Together or not in each other's lives at all.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ka1

Can anyone tell me or talk me out of being a douchs bag like my ex is being. I mean everyone keeps telling me forget about her, move on, and its over forever, BUT to be nice. Don't post any strong blogs on my facebook page. don't throw stuff on there to piss her off. Umm if I'm never going to see her again, and we are not going to be in each others lives, why should I care what pisses her off? Am I missing something. Cause if the only reason is me being the bigger person, well I've over that.:mad: Got nooooo use for being the bigger person. None at t'all.

As a frame of reference. I'm going to sell the engagement ring, and take some of the money, and take me a trip on the weekend we were supposed to get married. I'm going to Hedonism III. I was gonna post pics from the trip on my facebook with the Caption "I sold my engagement ring, and all I got was a trip to Hedo III" Since we have a few mutual "friends" some of my closer friends think that's too much.

I personally think that's a hilarious line. :o

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To do this would just be showing her that you still care. You care enough to go out and make a jerk of yourself. Don't be the bigger person for her sake, be it for yours. You don't REALLY want to go on this trip. You just want to stick it to her. Human? Yes Classy? No way

Everyone else is right, your not being the bigger person, your being your OWN.

(C Sneezy!)

You will only be letting yourself down if you put up this album with that title.

Why not just put up the photos under Hedo III, she'll be able to put 2 and 2 together and get 4 and you won't look like an @sshole, if you feel you really need to put them up that is.

By the by, facebook, myspace etc = a head f!ck that should be banned. God the amount of problems they create/perpetuate!!

It isn't about being nice, it is about being indifferent. Getting over this means not letting anything about her influence what you do, good or bad.

One simle rule of life: Keep it Classy. Stay first class in everything you do, and I am a huge believer in karma. You aren't the only one who has been mad over a break up, and certainly there are a ton everyday that feel the same way you do. That being said, if everyone actually carried through with their "jerK' mentality of hurting their ex, the world would be a giant circle of misery, revenge and self pity.

By being the bigger man, you (Sneezy said it best) move on as if she doesn't exist. The best revenge you can have is being happier and moving on WITHOUT her in your life. Let karma take care of the rest.

Also, I forgot to mention that a form of "revenge" comes best when you least expect it.

Example 1:

It was a few months after my ex dumped me for another guy... I was out on a date with a pretty hot girl. By pretty hot, I meant... melt your eyes off hot. We were at my favorite restaurant here in Atlanta, and lo and behold, my ex and her new boy toy walk in. At first, I couldn't believe my eyes. I simply went back to eating and talking to my date.

When my ex saw us, she tripped.. . very... hard. Half the restaurant saw her trip.

Also, it's one of those cliché sayings, but I'm going to use it anyway...

When one door closes, another one opens. If you keep staring at that closed door, hoping it will open again, you'll never realize when another one opens.

Ok fine. I won't put the title up. BUT I do really want to go on the trip. I've been before and it was the best vacation I ever had.

I agree with what everyone's posted so I can't add any more to that. Go on the trip and have fun. Having fun and being comfortable with yourself is the best medicine and best revenge.

have made it through the rain. Last night I spent the evening with my best friend and his wife. He is pastor and has been counseling people for 11 years. So he has a unique perspective to share with me that many good friends could not offer. We’ve talked on the phone extensively, but last night was revealing for me.

See I’ve been stuck on many points; the why’s, how could she, and biggest of all, how we related to each other most times. I felt that she was the one because of the values, shared goals, etc. I’ve been over all this before. I had a quiet certainty about us. My friend, however, broke it down for me like this.

“Ka1, you were looking at all the positives and all the reasons why it could work. Not surprising you do that in all areas. But you neglected to look at the holes, or the reasons it couldn’t work.” He then took a piece of paper, and made two columns; one for Holes and one Possibilities. For Holes he put the following:

1. Lack of Commitment. Not because she left me and the relationship. But because in the seven years we have been together she has had lunch or met her ex four times. She’s 0-4. “Ka1, you told her you did not want her to do that. She even had her mother and male friends tell her that it is inappropriate, but she did it any way. Why? Because she wanted to. She wanted to do it, and so what you felt or thought just did not matter. A woman that is committed to you or a relationship would not do that.” He gave a few other examples, all surrounding the theme of not giving to me or choosing the relationship over other things. “These issues never came up a lot so you never saw the pattern as clearly as that.
2. She’s a young girl- “Ka1, she’s young. And by that I don’t mean her age. I mean her lack of experience in life. She does not have the tools to be a wife. She’s not lost a family member, she’s not lived on her own, she has not been dogged out by a bunch of guys. She has no wellspring of experiences that required sacrifice from herself. In many ways she’s still Daddy’s little girl.
3. Inequities-“What does she bring to the table to enhance you? She looks pretty on your arm, and she’s fun, but what else. What, she believes in you? How do you know? By my count you have known what you wanted to do in life up until this year. And yet as you have a career crisis, she finds it unattractive? You bring support, belief, emotional support for her career and self-esteem. What is she bringing? If she stopped working to make a career move there’s no doubt in my mind that you would do whatever is necessary to make it work until she figured it out. Would she do that same?”

There was little I could say. But then he leaned in and gave me the truth of the matter. “Ka1, here is the problem. You were ready to marry her because you loved her, and did not want anyone else. But also because she was a good, even great girlfriend. She made a good companion. Someone to enjoy travel, dates, holidays, dreams and goals with. I think you have enjoyed your time with her as a boyfriend. But girlfriend and boyfriend status does not require much. Much must be given as a husband and wife. There’s requirements that you never face as an unmarried couple. She’s not ready and does not have the skills to move to the next level. Take football as an example, there are some people that were great college players, and then go to the NFL, and we never here from them again. Marriage is the NFL. You’ve been living in the NCAA. She can’t go to the next stage. You can. You’re ready. She’s not. Not for you, not for anyone. You were right you did fit, as long as you were not moving to the next level. As long as you stayed girlfriend and boyfriend”

And then I had my AHA moment and I knew it was true. He was right. It made sense. That does not mean I don’t miss her, desire her any less. But I placed all my emphasis on what made us a good couple. I didn’t think about what I needed in a good wife. I thought they were the same, but they are not. She’s not there. And she might not get there at all. My other fear of her finding someone else and being happy with them, and giving them what I wanted is a false fear. She can’t give it to them either. Its not in her. Maybe it will be one day. It’s shame, if she could then maybe we would work. But for now, I have to just deal with the fact that, in the last 7yrs I have not been in a rush to be married. I was with who I Loved and that was fine. Hell, maybe if I had not proposed we’d still be together, how ironic would that be.

I feel better than days. My mind is clear. I still miss her. I still wish we could go out, and do the things couples do. That will remain the same for some time I believe, but I think the agony is over. And now I just have the time and emotional void that comes from the lost of a relationship. And that, I can deal with.

Thank you for posting this, this makes a lot of sense in my situation too.

Great post! A lot of people can relate this post to their own situation. I know I can!

Awesome post. I think this applies to a lot of people after a breakup.

Weddings are more than a promise between two lovers, they are an event. In fact they are multiple events. There’s the wedding itself, the engagement party, bachelor party, showers, honeymoon; it is one big mish-mash of stringed events that all take planning and dreaming. So what do you do when the wedding is off? Even if you have not sent the invitations or booked the hotels and catering, there is still a good deal planning, and mental visualizing that goes along with thinking about the perfect bachelor party, err, engagement party.

In my case, I had dreams of how all of that would go. Now, I won’t be getting married. But you know what? I’m going to steal an attitude and clue from the female playbook, and just flip it around. How do I mean? Simple, I refuse to be sad on the day and week this coming year that I was supposed to get married. I’ll have my own personal celebration. I’m calling it the “Wedding Reversal Plan.”

I’m going to focus on the following events and items that are usually entailed in preparation for the wedding and on the wedding day itself.

1. Invitations

2. Wedding dinner party

3. Engagement pictures

4. Wedding/Honeymoon

5. Grooming pre-wedding and on the day of wedding.

I had this idea specifically for the weekend of the wedding, but have expanded and here is my plan.

1. Invitations-I won’t be inviting anyone to an event, but you know what I am moving in a new direction in my professional career. I’m going to announce it via postcards to all the friends, family, and business associates I was going to invite to the wedding. Maybe I’ll even send one to Tina. Just kidding, I’ll be nice. J

2. Wedding Dinner Party-This is usually a thank you to all the friends and family that have helped or are participating in the wedding. But you know, even without the wedding I have a lot to thank my friends for. They’ve been there for me these last few weeks like they always have in my life. They’ve heard the anger, tears, pain, and screaming. So I’m taking them all out dinner. And while I’m at it. I’m going to get them some gifts as well—in place of the gifts given to the groomsmen.

3. Pre-wedding and day of wedding grooming- Every body wants to look good for their wedding day. Even though women are the ones most often concerned about losing weight to get into the gown, there are number of things men can and should do as well. I’ll do them all: hit the gym, get the teeth whitened, and get some new clothes. I’ll need this for the next step.

4. Engagement/Weeding Pictures-Tina and I never got around to taking engagement pictures. We had the person picked out, but kept postponing. Well, I’m going to set up a photo shoot for myself. I’ll record my newer looks, and this has the bonus of providing me with killer pics for my Face book page and internet dating site. Score one for me.

5. Wedding/Honeymoon-my wedding date originally was May 30th, 2009. Honey moon to start that weekend at Sandals in St. Lucia. Well, I’m going to sell the ring, take the proceeds and take myself to Hedonism III in Jamaica. I doubt the idea of me supposed to be getting married that weekend will enter my mind while at Hedo.

6. Lastly, there is the 1st wedding dance as husband and wife. Tina and I had talked about this and we had decided we were going to surprise everyone at the wedding. We would start slow, and then bust out with a hot Tango dance. We never started the classes. Guess what? No, reason I can’t take the classes anyway. This gets a bonus points because I keep hearing dance lessons are a great way to meet fun and single women. Hmmm, sounds a like a plan to me.

And to put the final stamp on this all. As a freelance writer I’ll find some magazine or website to write about the whole idea and process for. So I’ll have fun, gain great memories, and get paid too. Aaah, isn’t life grand.:D

If that will get you through it do it. But I would save money and tree's on the postcard thing and just shoot everyone an email but that's me.

Wow... its funny how all it takes is good communication and right timing to make someone go "AHA!"

Thanks man... this is very insightful!

It's not that expensive. And I'm not a tree hugger. :)

Way to go! You gave me some great ideas. But is the lemonade thing, the attitude really from a woman's playbook? Maybe so.

Before reading your post, I was going to recommend how much water to add... Actually, lemonade made from real lemons (not the rind) is awesome compared to the packaged stuff.

Very nice. Thank you.

Would you marry a woman then who you are not madly in love with - but able to provide you all of the things above?

I can't imagine being in NOT being love with someone that does all those things. I geuss there may be women that would do that I might not ever meet because they are not my type or whatever--like for instance, and I'm just using this as an example, a woman that smokes and has tattoos all over. I would never approach her. But if I've approached a woman and started dating her, then it highly likely that if she gives me the stuff above I would end up loving her.

Ok, so I'm over the agony. So can someone tell me why in the GOD#$% NAME OF ZEUS I STILL HAVE THE URGE TO CALL THE DAMN WITCH.:mad:

It hasn't been that long, I'm glad you are angry though, you will stick to NC better that way. No it's not pathetic, everybody went through this process.

The pain is just one part of the breakup process, and the whole thing is a long journey that will suck. Of course you still want to call her, you still feel connected to her in a way because you're not even close to being over her. Don't you call her though, it'll set you nearly back to square one and the pain will come back into your life.

-Mouse

Ka1, thanks for sharing this post with us. I find it very meaningful. I had lost my girlfriend of around 1 year + , about 2 months ago.

After reading your post, I felt more, how should I say, more relax? I mean I had always blame myself for the whole entire failure in my relationship. But I always overlook the problem of her being not committed.

You are right, maybe my ex was also young... not committed... and there was no equalities.. .

Thanks for your wonderful post.

The peace of last week is dissipating, and dissipating fast. I’m all caught up today. Its distracting, annoying, and ticking me off—but not in a good way. I’m sick of pining away. My heart wants what it wants, fine I get that. But can it just shut the f%ing hell up. Other than empty words on the phone, I’ve seen nothing but a steady, and deliberate walking away from all that was me and Tina since January. Nothing has been shown to make me believe that she is wondering if she is doing the right thing. I know she isn’t, but if what I thought mattered, we would not be apart, and the U.S. economy would be fixed already. What I think is not important. Still, the side of me is thinking about sending a funny birthday card next week, talking to her mother, using power affirmations to use the Laws of Attraction to bring her back, or pulling out my credit card and buying one of the zillion, “Get My Ex Back” e-books floating on the web. My , sappy, “I’m so in love” side is thinking (pronounced rationalizing) hey if can buy a book from Border’s, I can spend the same amount on a book on getting her back. Maybe it will work. Maybe it will help the economy. Maybe I’m just freaking delusional, and I have to just admit I screwed up. We weren’t meant to be, I was wrong about proposing, we were never that close, and I should have left 4 years ago when I almost broke up with her then. Where would I be now. Not writing a blog or posting to web forums about how pitiful I feel, or angry, or upset over a girl that is not feeling any of these things that I’m going through. I wouldn’t be wondering what kind of person can say yes to a proposal and then walk away like they were making a mistake. Umm after 7 yrs your knew everything you needed to know. I could see if I popped the question after like 6 months. I wouldn’t be searching for words of kindness from anyone I can find to make or help me feel better. I wouldn’t be doing any of this.

But could have, should have, would have. I swear if I could pull a “Total Recall” scenario I would erase the last 7yrs in a heartbeat. I don’t care how expensive it would be. I’d do it, and just move on. Of course, if such a sci-fi scenario was possible, knowing my luck…she’d do the same thing, and we’d end up dating again anyway—without realizing we knew each other already. :confused:

Your not weak. Ending a relationship is always devastating no matter what the circumstances are. Obviously if you were married you expected to be together forever. A separation is not something that you recover from right away, it takees time and a part of it will always be there. The best thing to do is find an outside interest... something to occupy your time and mind. If you feel you are becoming obsessed by this or that you can't cope alone, talk to a therapist or your pastor if you have one. We all need someone to lean on emotionally at times. You are not weak, just human

It's not about being weak. You are human, and that is the issue here. If you could just wipe yourself clear of your emotions, it would be fairly cold blooded. Everything happens for a reason, and of course I can say that now, as hindsight is 20/20. It hasn't been that long either, you spent a LONG time together, and to expect it to go away in less than three months is purely unrealistic. The past seven years is gone, but the question is, what do you plan on doing the next seven years??

If it makes you feel any better, I bought an E-Book to... NONE of my friends know about it. Waste of money, as it wouldn't have helped. Who knows, maybe had I followed it, we would have gotten back together, but I guarantee you we wouldn't have stayed together. That book didn't change the fact that we aren't compatible. Facts, they suck, but they are what they are. Sometimes, we just have to look at the facts.

Like the others have said, your not weak, your human.

We all do it, beat ourselves up, look for answers in places you normally wouldn't consider.

It's how most of us found this site, no?

I've done one worse, I've gotten drunk and roared/cried at her about all of it which probably sounded something like this

'YYY YOOUUUU hhhjaaavvtttee... (sniff) don't even care... what is wrong with me?'



But we will get over it, it's going to happen. Not right away because we are not uncaring and unfeeling.

Time to start a new life, one that doesn't involve her and makes you happy..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ka1

coulda, shoulda, woulda.

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And that is the game your brain plays with you after the break up. So when you start getting thoughts you better consciously aswer them with positive reinforcements and keep doing that until your better. The pain you have is normal, but it will stay longer if you don't start to answer it with purposeful thoughts that help you. Could have, should have, would have isn't helping you, so tur it around to "I got a valuable lesson and all the money I'd pay to go back seven years would not teach me what this real world experience has. Everything has a positive to it, send your brain there and latch on.

I hear you. Though I must admit. I'm not much a "the journey is worth it" guy. I like the destination. If I can't get the get destination, I'd rather not take the journey frankly. If I thought I'd be here, or that she would have said no from the get go, then I would not have asked. I would have moved on or more likely just remained BF/GF.

I hear you ka1. Right now, you think the journey was not or is not worth the pain. I remember lots of painful periods in my life when I have had yo say to myself "this is a growing experience". Then there were many times I said, I've grown enough. Don't want to grow anymore. BUT, here is the thing.

This has happened. It is what it is. Now it is up to you to name it. Choice 1, the past 7 years were a waste of my time and emotion and all I am left with is heartache and anguish. Choice 2, I'll reflect on this experience. I'll give careful thought to what I can learn and take
With me. Not only into my next relationship but into my life

Also, look at the fact that you are not "odd or alone" with these feelings. It's universal. I'll NEVER make light of someone's heartache, because I know how painful it can be. I use to say I'd rather you cut off my leg than sack me with a broken heart. There is good news though. It will take time but YOU WILL GET BETTER. I can promise you that. Put in your time, take some lessons from it, and know that it will end. Put your energies into something that YOU enjoy doing. While you are pursuing your interest, some girl that is pursuing the same interest will bump into you. That is how the best matches are made.