It's been 2 months since my 6 year relationship with my girlfriend from high school ended. I don't have much of a desire to contact her, and it's been going well up until now.

I recently met a girl at a club a few days ago and she seems really nice- a college senior who is just a year younger than me, and she's into many of the same things I like.

Problem is, talking to this girl makes me miss my ex. I keep thinking, this girl is good, but she's nothing like my old girlfriend. These thoughts keep invading my head and its getting me down. Every time I talk to this new girl I wish it were my girlfriend I was talking to.

My ex, in the mean time, just finished summer school where she met this new guy, and I've heard from mutual friends that she's been driving 2 hours or so each way back to the town where the school was at to see this guy, who she started dating only 2 weeks after she dumped me.

It just really hurts. Here I am, with a new girl, but still lonely and more depressed than ever, and my ex is seemingly happy and enjoying a new relationship with a guy she met so quickly after she dumped me...

I don't know what to think, or how to feel. Should I stop talking to this new girl?

Yes, you need a period of genuine grieving and during that time you need to be "off the market". Loss is not brushed aside that easily. Welcome to the human race.

Should you stop talking to this new woman ( my opinion)... she is not the one... for now... you are not completely over this other woman... it does not matter what your old ex-girlffreind is doing... if you are wanting us to tell you that your old ex-girlfriend is a slut... that is not going to happen... she is not married to you... she is getting on with her life... life is an adventure to this other woman and she is taking it for all that it is worth...
OK,. keep giving yourself an excuse in staying weak for this woman... stop before you become a stalker... this is going to hurt... yeah!. should you go on and live the life that the creator has planned for you... Yeah!. are you depressed because you want too... yeah!. pitiful never crossed my mind and will never exit my mouth... so do not think it... misery loves company... yeah!. misery is not the place you need to be with your young self... oh yeah!. get up and say next... keep going until you find someone that rings your bells... you will find that person and would know that she is the right one... when you cannot remember what type of woman you were looking for her... come on... jump back into the pool... oh,. clubbing and finding that perfect mate is not going to happen... Let's try serching for the right woman... in other places... other less crowded places... and less smelly.. OK...

The danger of a rebound relationship is very real here. If that's the case then you should be honest and upfront with this new girl about your feelings, out of fairness to her. As a college senior I'm sure she understands rebound relationships. On the other hand, you also have to accept the fact that this other relationship is over, once and for all. It's time to move on with your life. A little bit of sadness and depression is normal but don't let it consume you. There's going to have to be someone else eventually unless you intend to remain a confirmed bachelor for the rest of your life. Whoever that may be, she's not going to magically make all of your problems and disappointments disappear. With that said, if this new girl is as nice as she sounds, you don't necessarily have to break off all contact with her completely. Take the time to get to know her, just take it real slow and easy. You may find that she's the one for you or you may find that she isn't. Either way, don't expect all memories of your recently ended 6-year relationship to just go out the window overnight but don't dwell on them for the rest of your life either. Most important of all, don't place the burden for them on this new girl or anyone else that you date in the future.

Dude, your ex is just a few steps farther along than you. Girls break-up BEFORE the day they ACTUALLY break-up. They're much more rational about BREAK-UPS than guys. That is why many times, guys return, and in most cases, women don't.

Your ex had boken-up with you in her HEAD, BEFORE she actually broke-up with you. WOMEN ALWAYS DO THAT. WOMEN ARE NOT RASH, THEY ARE RATIONAL ABOUT BREAK-UPS. They might make the wrong decision, but they have CONVINCED THEMSELVES IT'S RIGHT. THAT IS HUGE. In terms of break-ups, guys are far more stupid.

This maybe wrong, but this is what I feel. Guys MAKE relationships happen, we court, we send flowers, we do the full court press, when we REALLY LIKE a girl. Women ALLOW relationships to happen, they allow the courtship, they accept the flowers, the like the full court press.

That's why WildCat is right. 90% of the time, women call it off. They no longer ALLOW the relationship to happen.

And she already thought about dating the guys she's with now, BEOFRE she was done with you. You haven't gone through that process. Nothing wrong with that. You didn't see it coming, and weren't prepared.

You should stop talking to this new girl if it really makes you feel MORE depressed. I know exactly how you feel. I'm dating a new girl, 1.5 months after a terrible break-up with someone I hoped to marry. KEEP IT LIGHT. I see the new girl maybe once a week, or once every two weeks. I talk to her on the phone every 3-4 days. You don't need more depression. But having female friends during this time is good. You should have some female FRIENDS. I think that helps.

Heyy

My ex boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago. I tried to date to kind of see what else was out there at about 2 months after the breakup- it was awful! The same kind of feelings that you are experiencing I did too. I compared every guy to him and no one measured up. Even guys with full potential to be a great boyfriend for me just weren't good enough because they were not my ex. I decided a couple of weeks ago to be single for a while. To try to not date and to improve and work on myself. I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years but it was very serious and we had considered engagement so I really thought he was the one. Anyhow, its too soon to date anyone seriously a couple months is too soon. You need time to grieve your last relationship, work out what went wrong and to spend time on YOU. I know it's a hard thing to do for some people, but it really is something that will be worth it in the end. Time will help to heal the wound, and in the future after caring for yourself you will not settle for less than you deserve. That's what I am doing from now on. I would love to be with someone again, but since my ex all the guys I dated I would compare to him which is not fair to them or to me. In time it will get better and then you will be able to date again. Im 4 months into my breakup and I'm still not ready so don't worry if it takes a while- I have heard people take a year or even 2 years to work on themselves and to be single. Its also really hard when your ex seems to have moved on so soon after. The whole thing is that you really cannot compare yourself to your ex. She is dealing with it in her own way or maybe she really is over it, but you can't think about that it will only bring you down. You are two different people and although you were in the same relationship people deal with things differently as you know. Also if she is the one who did the initial breakup then she had time to decide the fate of the relationship and more time to grieve and move on then you did. Same with me and my relationship- my ex ended it so it was his choice so it does make it harder being the one dumped. Anyhow, just spend time on you because I found that the more I dated and the more guys liked me that I didn't have interest in it only hurt me more. I just kept hurting others and taking them into my breakup and its not fair to do that. When you heal you will be a much stronger person. Goodluck with everything and message me if you would like to talk about anything!

You have gotten some excellent advice here. You need to make a decision now. Are you over your ex? Not by any stretch so jumping into a relationship is not fair to your new friend. Back off some and go slow and don't lead this person on, you can be friends but until you heal you can only hurt someone else by moving to fast or letting them get to deep.

Yeah... I still think you need time to yourself.

Don't lead this gal on. I've led gals on and it hurts on both sides even then - don't do it.

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels... only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item...

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

Val is right in the above post. Had to spread it though Val!
That is exactly what will happen with your ex who is driving 2 hours to be with some other guy.
It is a rebound and she is finding comfort in him. Won't WORK!
Either will yours with this new girl.
Please take some time off.
Im 5 months into a break up with my girlfriend of 7 years. Same deal as you.
There is NO WAY IN THIS WORLD that I could get into another relationship right now.
I have had dates and each girl (I don't mean to sound conceited) has fallen for me. They want me. I know they do. They tell me they do. But I have to be honest with them and tell them I'm not ready for anything serious. And you know what? That makes them WANT ME MORE.

People want what they can't have! Where have I heard that before??

But anyway, back to you. Just take some time off. Maybe go on a vacation, do something else other then girls for a while.

You need to cleanse that part of your system!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Skell

You need to cleanse that part of your system!!

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I love that Skell. Its so true.

You need to do what all people who are grieving do... they slow down, they hurt, they get pensive and think about life and themselves, they talk to people, their friends, their ministers, they take walks, they read books on grief, they review the lessons they have learned, they miss someone, they make awkward company with their friends, they spread themselves around because they feel awkward, they talk about it until they are sick of it and then talk some more, they try to distract themselves and HOPEFULLY it doesn't work, they hurt some more, they flit from activity to activity with a short attention span, they resort to cleaning out closets because they really don't know what to do with themselves, etc, etc, etc. And it all eases up over time as you make your way through the grief process. I promise it does.

If, in that process, you find you really cannot stand the pain, then get some professional help asap.

Otherwise, you can totally derail that process with a rebound relationship, drinking or any potentially addictive activity, buy a corvette you can't afford, learn nothing and be right back here posting about the next failed relationship sooner or later.

Your choice. I am so sorry for your loss.

Funny how you guys are telling me to take it slow... here's a conversation I had with her last night. She totally threw me off... all systems were go until this... what do you all make of it?

Her: how were those bigg *** weights
Me: lol
Me: I had a good workout
Me: what are you up to tonight
Her: TV, packing.. I go ot nj tomrrow
Her: very liil packing act. Just packing the car
Me: today was your last day at work?
Her: nope- no work today- tomrrow though
Me: I wish I had a day off
Her: lol
Me: heh, last week I worked 60 hours
Her: oh malordy
Her: an lordy
Her: that's like
Her: like
Her: so long
Her: ps I neverrr say like that often lol
Me: yeah I barely survived
Me: I'm almost looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow
Me: because I get to leave work at 2
Her: lol
Me: hey so I got a question for you
Her: OK
Me: what is the jersey shore like?
Me: is it a fun place to go? And is it really as dirty as people say it is? Lol
Her: brb
Her: I wundlt know I have never been in the shore ocean
Me: no way
Me: ever since I saw that true life show on MTV about the shore I've been curious
Me: seems like a crazy place to visit
Her: I have no idea
Her: I'm spoiled by the caribean
Me: hmmm... another place on my list to visit
Me: you like traveling?
Her: its ok- I hate the travel part- but the visit is good
Me: haha I must agree
Me: I wish I could be beamed to places and not go through all the hassel
Me: you ever been to europe
Her: yes
Her: last summer u
Me: my parents took me to france and england for high school graduation
Me: I hated france
Her: niceeee
Her: I like a guy who can get out of town for a bit
Me: I'm not a townie, no worries
Me: if I had the money, I'd go to greece
Me: and maybe japan, because I love sushi
Me:and then italy... lol
Her: OK take me with u
Her: lol
Me: maybe I should work 80 hour weeks
Me: haha
Me: save up more money
Her: lol
Her: yeah because thius girl can shopp lol
Me: where do you shop at
Her: express here
Her: u
Me: I haven't really bought new stuff in a while, but I like the stuff at urban outfitters
Her: ooh yeah- nice room décor
Me: and I like polo shirts, le tigre and lacoste
Me: jeans from abercrombie
Me: yeah when I get my apartment I'm getting all my stuff from urban
Her: oooo polo shirts- preppy- nice
Her: I love lacoste
Me: I just need some more long sleeved stuff for the winter
Me: so what are you going to do at home for 1 night
Her: meet with a girlfriend of mine from college for dinner tomrrow I hope. Thursday I unpack and re pack, my dads birthday party and hopefully buying him a gift
Me: cool
Me: what are you going to get him?
Her: he wants some sort of compass
Her: I don't know if he just wants a cpmpass or some high tech thing
Me: maybe an iPod?
Me: (nano)
Me: or a beitling watch
Her: lol no... a compass
Me:: oh it must be compass?
Me:hmm
Her: yes that is what he wants
Her: I just need him to get more specfici
Me: no idea where to get a really good one... you're on your own with this one... lol
Her: lol ge thanks lol
Me:haha
Me: a couple of years back, I made these "coupons" for my dad
Her: yeah bin there dun that
Me: entitled him to 1 free car wash, 2 lawnmowing sessions, etc
Me: well I'm sure whatever compass you get him he'll be happy
Her: I hope
Her: considering I harldy c him- a car wash doesn't really makes sense
Her: but a pre purchased one does hmmmm
Her: interesting thoguhts
Me: yeah I'm telling you, maybe you could come up with something better than a compass
Me: but still, if that's what he wants...
Me:is your dad into fishing and hiking and all that
Her: nope
Her: he works at the house or flys somewhere for work
Her: he is all about house work and making a living
Me: wow what does he do for work
Her: financial advisor- he's great at it too
Me: metlife offered me a position in that
Her: anddd
Me: I turned it down
Her: y
Me: being entry level it would take forever to build a client base
Her: isn't that typical though
Me: advisors work exclusively off commissions
Me: typical for financial advisors?
Me: or for entry level jobs in general?
Her: entry
Me: no, not typical for entry... I know this kid who got offered 80K to work at bloomberg in nyc
Me: entry level financial advisors would only make 35K
Her: wow how did he get offered 80
Me: no freakin idea... 80K is unheard of fresh out of college
Me: 1 in a million
Me: most graduates make 30-50K starting
Me: depending on school, major, gpa, etc
Her: what was the job he got offered
Me: financial analyst
Me: I was offered that position too at mass mutual in springfield
Me: but I had to turn it down because it was too far of a commute
Her: when was this
Me: a few weeks before I graduated
Her: wow that's great- u couldn't have had an apt?
Me:my goal is to find something in boston, so until then, I'm stuck in marlborough
Her: ic
Me: nah, there's nothing out in springfield
Me: I can't stand farm country
Her: yeah I bet
Her: hehe I agree
Her: I love living in boston
Me:i need the city, and to be near people
Me:: if I could live in New York, I'd be even happier
Me: but boston is good too ahha
Her: oh I know wnyc is da bomb
Me: the first time I went to times square I went into sensory overload
Me: it was a crazy sight
Her: o I bet
Me: I love how you can walk out at 4am and get food
Me: that's the thing about boston- everything closes at 2am
Her: oh I know- clubs close at 2am!!
Me: yeah haha if tequila didn't close we could have danced more
Me: I was just about to get good and bust out some ill moves
Me: j/k I suck at dancing
Her: u donttttt suck
Her: I have seen worse- this is why scarlett stopped you and corected it
Me: I'll need you to teach me some new tricks next time
Her: not a problem
Her: but be easy on the girl- we hardley know each other... lol
Me: one step at a time
Me: lol
Her: yup
Her: no I think we are duin the friend thing just fine
Her: or at least very much aqantiances
Me: yeah well we did just meet only a few days ago... lol
Her: yeah hehe
Her: but this is a first for me
Her: tlakin gto the boy after
Me: yeah same here
Her: fav drink
Me: what's my fave drink?
Her: yeah
Me: beer- corona
Her: how about mix drinks or fancy ones
Me: hard stuff- either grey goose or jack and coke
Me: ha you'll laugh but I don't mind sangrias
Her: oh nice
Her: man my girlfriend gave ma show of black rum by gre goose- ewwwww
Her: but them martinis are good and margartias
Me:: I agree
Me: what about you?
Her: what flavor
Me: I meant what are your fave mixed drinks
Her: o I had no clue- um my flavors are cosmo and apple..
Her: I don't lve chocolate
Me: oh
Me: hey I got to run
Me: good luck finding a compass and have fun moving in
Her: kk thanks... ttyl

So, your ex is driving 2 hours back and forth to visit this guy she met 2 weeks after your breakup. You have been thinking and yourself over this cause it must mean that he is really something for her to be willing to do this, that she must really feel something special and different for him. Maybe she does. Maybe she feels that this is also a great rebound opportunity for her. Maybe she thinks that jumping into another relationship and investing so much time and effort will occupy her thoughts so much, she won't have time to feel the loss or the pain of your relationship. Maybe she's grateful that this guy came along right now to superficially fill that void and enable her to get by. Maybe she knows that having this guy 2 hours away is just enough distance for her to do her thing, keep away, and bring him in only when she needs him.

It's normal to feel down because you have heard your ex has moved on, but don't jump to conclusions, you don't really know what state of mind she is in either. Take time for yourself. Have fun, lighthearted fun. This new gal sounds like she has a lot of potential, but the timing is bad. Explain to this new gal that this may not be the right time for her to have come into your life. I know she's going to feel dumped, and you don't want to burn any bridges, but she needs to know where you are right now. Time does heal all wounds, but only if you are willing to spend that time wisely, and not harboring on feelings of what you had and what you lost.

Val, I see your point, but that is why I deleted her screen name and mine to protect our privacy. I posted it because I need some help analyzing it, especially where she says the whole "be easy on the girl" part.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

Val, I see your point, but that is why I deleted her screen name and mine to protect our privacy. I posted it because I need some help analyzing it, especially where she says the whole "be easy on the girl" part.

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You haven't protected privacy, you've protected identity - there is a difference. All I can say is if some guy I just met did that with me, I would be suggesting he analyze this: "we're done". Its writing on the wall for me, that if my words were ever to be scrutinizes to this level, it ain't never going to work. Even with names removed to protect her indentity, I don't think you have permission and that's all my point is about, okay?

Val... your one post from yesterday was awesome.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Val...your one post from yesterday was awesome.

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Oh you mean the "Grand Central Baggage" one, okay, thanks! :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels.....only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item.....

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

---

Couldn't have put it any better myself. Had to spread it Val. When the heck did I last rate you anyhow?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

Funny how you guys are telling me to take it slow...here's a convo I had with her last night. She totally threw me off...all systems were go until this...what do you all make of it?

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Well, regarding the conversation (which I did not include in the quote for sake of brevity), what exactly is your question? It just seems like a perfectly fine, ordinary conversation to me. But Val had a point when she repped you regarding the privacy thing ; you may want to be careful about plastering all of her words where the whole world can see them ; not really necessary or appropriate.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Couldn't have put it any better myself. Had to spread it Val. When the heck did I last rate you anyhow?

---

Thanks and you just did... about the woman who needs to secretly plan a refuge just in case... silly! :p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I love that Skell. Its so true.

You need to do what all people who are grieving do....they slow down, they hurt, they get pensive and think about life and themselves, they talk to people, their friends, their ministers, they take walks, they read books on grief, they review the lessons they have learned, they miss someone, they make awkward company with their friends, they spread themselves around because they feel awkward, they talk about it until they are sick of it and then talk some more, they try to distract themselves and HOPEFULLY it doesn't work, they hurt some more, they flit from activity to activity with a short attention span, they resort to cleaning out closets cos they really don't know what to do with themselves, etc, etc, etc. And it all eases up over time as you make your way through the grief process. I promise it does.

If, in that process, you find you really cannot stand the pain, then get some professional help asap.

Otherwise, you can totally derail that process with a rebound relationship, drinking or any potentially addictive activity, buy a corvette you can't afford, learn nothing and be right back here posting about the next failed relationship sooner or later.

Your choice. I am so sorry for your loss.

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WOW, WOW AND MORE WOW..

That actually made me alugh reading that Val,

It was so true. I have done everyone of them activities / tasks / processes that you wrote here.

That was awesome.

So pretty much I'm normal? That's what your saying here?

Good to know. Im not a complete nutter! LOL!

Great post once again Val.

Pat,

What the hell man?

You post an entire conversation here that is too long to even consider reading it all and want people to analyze it for you.

Im all for getting help here but I think therein lies your problem man.

You are analysing a simple conversation like this...

Whoa, you are thinking way too much and showing some major insecurities here mate.

What do expect to gain from scrutinizing and analysing this conversation so heavily?

Something is wrong here IMO...

Yes, LET HER THINK. That's her JOB. You being the guy, DON'T THINK unless she does something crazy. SHE HASN'T. Let HER THINK, YOU MAKE HER LAUGH.

Val, great Grand Central Station comment, and GREAT post about what happens when we are grieving!

Ok, so you met a girl... that's all that happened!! You are not ready to date seriously... you can date just to date and help you to move on... meaning meet new people, gain some great friends, other single people, have fun, feel connected, have some attention, BUT NOT TO WORRY ABOUT!. BUT YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! You are not able to be in a serious relationship.

Again, all that has happened is you met a girl... but not a new girlfriend that you are trying to catch like you are fishing! Please do not analyze, worry, or try to understand everything. Who cares what she meant... you know what you are wanting and not wanting, regardless of her comments! Focus on your needs...

And yes, talking to others might make you miss your ex... very normal... so you may date to meet others and NOT YOUR EX... I would suggest changing your expectations and perception of your reality! If you can't do that, or you can't just go out and have fun without worrying about your future wife, and trying to get her to be the twin of your ex, then you don't need to be dating right now!

I hope you can relax and grieve, like Val said... GRIEVe!! Otherwise you will be some of that baggage at Grand Central Station! Haha You want to start your new one without raw baggage, you want your baggage zipped and locked!

Good luck!

The story continues...

For those of you who don't know, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me and about a month later I met this girl through a friend and started seeing her. I jumped into it fast and we started going out every weekend to fancy dinners, a trip to NYC, etc. It was a whirlwind to say the least. She gave me several hints towards becoming official so I asked her despite reservations... we were official for a week before she told me she didn't want a title and we had a long talk and decided to go slow.

Since that conversation, I have not initiated any conversations with her. When she IMs me or calls me, I let it go to my away message or voicemail. I've responded probably 1 out of every 3 contact attempts from her.

During our phone conversation, she criticized me for not having a life outside of working 40-60 hours a week and going to the gym, even though I spend EVERY weekend with my friends, and have spent the past 7 weekends with her. I have as much of a life as I have time to have.

I talked to my best friend of 8 years (who I met her though) and I think to myself " does she do? She goes to school, does homework, messes around with me on the weekends and that's about it!"



Two days ago she asks my buddy questions about me. "Does Pat do anything else but work and workout?" "Why does he like committed relationships?" My buddy told her to **** off and leave him out of it... that's my boy.

So tonight, my buddy calls me up and says that this girl told him that she doesn't want to see me anymore because she "doesn't have time". Quoted word for word he says.

Lo and behold when I sign online tonight I IM her and she's all quiet. I ask her what's up and she said she did ty on her exams and that she's worrying a lot about stuff. I say "oh that's too bad, talk to you later!"

She says she'll call me tomorrow.

This weekend is halloween, and I'm going to this houseparty with my boy and I know for a fact that this girl will be there because they all hang out in a big circle of friends. This should be interesting.

I'm thinking about just ignoring her if she tries to contact me over the next few days and make her tell me all this face to face on Saturday night.

Seriously... the "I don't have time" excuse is the lamest excuse ever. This girl is a nut job, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with her. I realized that she was a rebound and I def lowered my standards on this one.

I'm sort of considering just keeping her around as hook up material, but I don't know... that's not really me.
__________________

Okay, Pat, I think you answered your question. Read your post again and see if you can find the answer.

If she does not have the time for you, why did you IM her? It sounds like you initiated the IM.

YES, ignore her if she contacts you. A hard catch that is won is a catch that is worth keeping. One that just reels in easily is a total throw back. (can you tell I really do fish? )

You can find someone better.

Look at it this way... If you were to get together and stay together, is this the way you would want to spend every day of your life for the rest of your life? I hope you say no.

If she says she doesn't have the time, find someone who does want your time.

Drop her like a hot potato

I IMed her because I hadn't talked to her in a week and a half. This was the only time I was online so I shot her an IM and asked her how her exams went. I also wanted to see if she'd tell me all that crap she was asking my friend, but she didn't.

You got to leave her alone. If she says she doesn't have the time, then don't bother her.

Erase her from you IM list. Period. This sounds very clingy and needy. I hate to hurt your feelings, but she does not seem interested.

From her IM back to you it is quite apparent that she is trying to let you down gently. Forget her. She is not worth your time.

I'm still going to go chill with my friends though. I don't care if she's there.

I know she's going to bring all of this up at some point. I prodded her a bit tonight and she didn't come out and say it. She says she'll call or IM me tomorrow but I'm def ignoring her from now on. It's done.

I deleted her from my phone and buddy list. Now I just got to get through whatever drama awaits this weekend and move on.

I think you have the right idea.

It was too soon. She was a rebound, you went too fast. She went too fast.

It isn't meant to work.

You need time for yourself after 6 years in a relationship. I won't say that again. I don't thhink I can stress that enough.

What you did by rushing into somehting with her is why this happened.

She might be a nut job. But she also may have seen many things in you that are true.

You may come accorss that you are after commmitted relationships desperately. You may come across that you have no life (im not saying you don't, but maybe that is how you come accross).

I like your thinking though. Ignore her. You don't need or want her now. Don't answer her calls. Don't call her.

Just hang with your buddies for a while and learn about yourself.

I still think after the 6 year relationship ending that you probably have issues within yourself that need dealing with properly.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Skell

she might be a nut job. but she also may have seen many things in you that are true.

you may come accorss that you are after commmitted relationships desperately. You may come accross that you have no life (im not saying you dont, but maybe that is how you come accross)..

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Quoted for truth. I did come across that way, and she even asked my buddy why I was so into commitment... lol!

The facts are clear... I'm not ready, and I rushed into it, and she rushed into it too... remember now, she pursued me by initiating convos, etc.

Well, now that all of this is over, should I at least be friends with her or "friendly"? Or is this a person I can no longer have any contact with ever again? It'll be hard just to never talk to her again because I'll be seeing her when I chill with my buddy... it's pretty much impossible to avoid her forever.

Pat?
Seven threads authored by you and 200+ posts later loaded with lots of good advice from many peole and workable idea and you are still making the same mistake outlined here:

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels... only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item...

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

Do you really have a genuine interest in a way to break out that pattern or is this just a means of attention? Please know that I am asking that sincerely and with all due respect because it doesn't sound like much helping is really going on here... and I am as concerned about that as I am you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Pat?
Seven threads authored by you and 200+ posts later loaded with lots of good advice and workable idea and you are still making the same mistake I outlined here:

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels.....only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item.....

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

Do you really have a sincere interest in a way to break out that pattern? I am asking that sincerely and with all due respect.

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Yes I do.

At first I was kind of in denial, but now I know it was a rebound. It's just hard to let it go but I know I must, and face all of this stuff alone.

It's messed up, but lately, being with this girl has made me think of my ex more than ever. It's like my ex has sort of appeared in this girl... messed up I know.

Maybe I should just tell her this weekend that I was using her as a rebound and end it? Or should I just wait for her to do it? I think if I wait, she'll do it because she knows what's going on already.

Forgive me but you still are in denial. Its not about the girl, its about you. You need to focus on you and leave the girl out of it. Reread this last post of yours and notice where your attention is. Count the number of statements with just you in it and then the ones with her in it.

2 : 5 says you still don't get who it is about! (Doesn't make you a BAD person either, okay? Just in error, that's all.)

I know its hard and well, even a little scary to focus on you and admit there is where the problem is. But it is what stands squarely in the way of you getting any help at all. So help or no help-- the choice is yours and I honor it either way.

How do I focus on myself? I don't even know how to do that or what that means.

I graduated from a very good business school, landed my first job, and now I'm looking for a higher paying job in the city.

I am also looking at apartments in the city.

I am saving up for a new(er) car... right now I drive an Audi 90S and I'm looking to buy a used 2002 Mercedez-Benz 430 coupe.

I workout religiously and have a good body and I am in great physical shape.

I'm not sure what else I can focus on... I seem to have everything down.

The only issue I have is that I have a bad relationship with my parents and we constantly fight. I was also abused as a child. These are huge issues that I doubt will ever be resolved. It's just too complicated to deal with and involves way too many factors.

But on a surface level, most people are envious of my career path and goals and what I've done so far with my life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

How do I focus on myself? I don't even know how to do that or what that means.

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Is that a real question or just rhetorical?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

I'm not sure what else I can focus on...I seem to have everything down.

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Yes you have a great deal going for you but your "not sure" part is a key to this and I can help there, if you want it. I am just not sure you want it by how you answer here..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

The only issue I have is that I have a bad relationship with my parents and we constantly fight. I was also abused as a child. These are huge issues that I doubt will ever be resolved. It's just too complicated to deal with and involves way too many factors.

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I believe your relationship problems are tied in with some of that. If this is your way of saying you don't want help with any of it, I can respect that. And I would like to reassure you this: all that you list as unfixable here is only that because you say so. Otherwise, it is fixable -- many many people, including myself, have overcome and fixed that and more. Please bear that in mind when you consider your answer here.

I am left still wondering... help or no thanks?

Pat my man - I think you're doing fine. You're learning experiences on how to dea lwith women. It shuld be fun!

I do thnk you should leave this partucular person alone. No IMing. Make her come to you if it's going to be.

"I'm thinking about just ignoring her if she tries to contact me over the next few days and make her tell me all this face to face on Saturday night" - that's a good plan. Make her come to you.

Don't get to drunk at the party so you can meet more women.

Help, if you don't mind and if you have the time and energy to post.

I must add that since my break up, I started seeing a counselor once a week, and that doesn't even help. It's like talking to a wall that gives occasional "yes" and "uh huh" responses.

To be totally honest and vulnerable, all I want is somebody who will spend time with me and love me for who I am and love me as much as I am willing to give. I want someone who will be my friend, who I can trust and depend on. I don't have that kind of love in my life, and that's why I sucked the life out of my ex because I needed more than she could give. My relationship with my parents is a business relationship... they provide for me, and I try to stay out of their way. They are immigrants, so they have old world perspectives when it comes to dicipline. I've talked to them about how they've hurt me but they say it was for my own good. I've resented them since I was in grade school.

Wow... now that's a lot of background info ain't it?

But yeah, if you can help, I'm ready to listen.

First relax, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. Just remember that the things you listed about what you want, WE ALL WANT THAT TOO! Sometimes in our zeal to have that love in our life we move too fast, give power to the wrong person. It happens when we are insecure and so needy. Take the time to investigate more and be a lot more patient when we meet some one. Stop expecting them to be the one after a few months of dating, stop wearing your heart on your sleeve for al to have access to. Instead of going with one female, dating around more may give you experience in patients and what makes women tick. Do you think it telling that every female you date you end up in the same situation? Your trying to replace what you had. Until you move fom that spot then all you'll get is dissapointment. I think you need a few female FRIENDS, and not GIRLfriends.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

Help, if you don't mind and if you have the time and energy to post.

I must add that since my break up, I started seeing a counselor once a week, and that doesn't even help. It's like talking to a wall that gives occasional "yes" and "uh huh" responses.

To be totally honest and vulnerable, all I want is somebody who will spend time with me and love me for who I am and love me as much as I am willing to give. I want someone who will be my friend, who I can trust and depend on. I don't have that kind of love in my life, and that's why I sucked the life out of my ex because I needed more than she could give. My relationship with my parents is a business relationship...they provide for me, and I try to stay out of their way. They are immigrants, so they have old world perspectives when it comes to dicipline. I've talked to them about how they've hurt me but they say it was for my own good. I've resented them since I was in grade school.

Wow...now that's alot of background info ain't it?

But yeah, if you can help, I'm ready to listen.

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I believe you want help and you've made a good start sharing some of your "inner" life, yes. And more vulnerable information gets more solution, I think. There are rules here to anyone abusing you with it too, okay?

The counselor -- how long have you been seeing them and what topics did you ask them to cover?

I like the distance you have put in your parents relationship. Its self caring, self protecting while still,hopefully, respectful of them too. That is an important skill to have, Pat. Lets go find some more of those skills, okay?

Thirdly, that overbearing need you have (called intimacy and I don't just mean sexual either, okay? LOL) is normal and just being terribly mismanaged (by a guy who probably has skills up the ying yang he isn't using on this problem too -- we'll see!). It needs to be spread out among multiple sources so please make a list for me of other sources you currently have and don't have. Its okay to list it here, nothing confidential about it. Please don't pm me privately with it or anything; it works here so much better to help you and others too.

I don't have any female friends. None.

I didn't even know how to talk to girls until this one. Well, besides my ex.

I feel that all the girls my age are older than me. I feel intimidated and young. It's weird.

Maybe this girl can be my first female friend? She is nice... it'd be a pity to just let it go to waste.