Hello, I am really depressed about something. I know a boy since last two years. We've been into a relationship for almost a year now. What attracted me towards him was his gentle manners and his sensitivity. He was very calm and cool. We have actually been having a long distance relationship. All was fine but then I shifted to his city 2 months ago and since then all has changed

He doubts me, is extremely jealous of all my male friends. What puts me off the most is that he's angry about everything that I do. All he sees is my faults. Also he's been putting a lot of restrictions on me...

Please help me understand this sudden change
I truly love him and want to know why is he so pissed off about everything and why does he get mad about small immaterial things... :confused:

I think he's upset that you moved to his city, for some reason I have a feeling he's hiding something you don't know.. hmm.

Confront your boyfriend on how you feel and provide him with examples of what he's is doing differently.

Goodluck to you!

MRS.S

I think your getting a close up better view of this guy, and he doesn't match your previous impressions.

Talaniman is right. Also, it sounds like your guy has some potential for abusiveness, despite your early impressions of him. Run like the chill autumn wind!

But I love him...
It does seem that he's hiding something, there are times when he does say sorry about his behavior.

I talked with him about this sudden change and he said he himself doesn't know what's wrong, told me he's become like that with everyone not only me...

Overtime peoples true nature emerges, and you must also decide what is over the line, or not. Be honest in letting him know what's appropriate, or not, and know what you will tolerate or not. If you can handle his faults, all good. If you cannot, then that's your decision to make.

Communicating and expressing yourself is what's the key here, so you can see for yourself if you can work together to solve these problems.

If nothing changes..?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Overtime peoples true nature emerges, and you must also decide what is over the line, or not. Be honest in letting him know whats appropriate, or not, and know what you will tolerate or not. If you can handle his faults, all good. If you cannot, then thats your decision to make.

Communicating and expressing yourself is whats the key here, so you can see for yourself if you can work together to solve these problems.

If nothing changes.......................???

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Ok...

I'll talk it out with him

Actually right now am back home, and I don't know how to put it but he wants me to stay indoors

Told me not to go out... I have to go to another city to fill an important form on Saturday, I am doing engineering and its my final year and all he told me is don't go to fill the form its for your own safety

Now he very well knows that I am a girl who can manage herself very well

I've been traveling alone to many places since last 4-5 years sometimes even at nights, nothing has ever happened to me...


But still he says he's just being "protective" about me

What do you mean by he told you to stay home for your own safety? You really need to explain the extent of his actions, and is that a threat or not? That's a little to controlling and my question is why do you listen to that kind of racket from him? If you don't make a stand against bad behavior, you can expect more of it. Handle your business, and if you fear for your own safety, get the freak out. You didn't convey any urgency or danger in your original post and response so if I'm wrong, still get the freak out.

A guy who thwarts your future plan, and tries to isolate, and control your actions, is no freaking good for you.

I just don't know... He thinks everybody in the outside world is there just to take my advantage...
He's become over protective about me... hates all my male friends he even verbally abused one...
Then again there are times when he's sweet and mellow...
I don't know what flips his lid all of a sudden...

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Originally Posted by R-J-S-InLove

I don't know what flips his lid all of a sudden....

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That is a red flag m'dear.

MRS.S

You should have been gone, as you can't be happy being his protected pet, can you?

Yes, you do know what to do. You have enough info to make a really good decision for yourself. He is, what he is, and its not that great in the long run. That you know!

Will he change? Why should he? Your going along with his screwed up program!

You checked him out, learned the facts, don't like it, time to let go and find a healthier way to live.

I really don't want to break up with him, we are very serious, are families know about us, he proposed me a few months ago

Is there no way to solve this...

You could go to counseling?

But really, the way he's acting now won't be any better [sometimes getting married has of this magical thing of magnifiying problems]. So imagine dealing with that for 5 years if you don't seek counseling.

Oh yea counseling only works when both parties want to go. If he's not ready to change well good luck beating a dead horse.

MRS.S

My dear, he hasn't changed, you've just become aware of his true self.

Your solution is to leave him alone, and see if he does change without your influence, while you heal, and get a clear vision of reality, based on facts, and not just feelings.

He just called to say sorry said he's really frustrated because of work load and that's y he's talking out all frustration on me...

We talked and at one point I asked him does he trust(3-4 times in anger he's told me he doesn't fully trust me anymore) and he was silent

I hung up one him...

This is all so depressing...

Then he calls back again and says sorry
Blaming work pressure, family problems and all for all this

What confuses me is that he open;y accepts the fact that his behavior has changed and that the change is hurting me
Says he's lost...

Oh m sooooooo mixed up

Take a break from him, you need it!

His game has got to be getting old, aren't you tired of playing yet? Take a LONG deserved break from him and his crap

I took a break
The thing is he was ready to give me all the time I needed to reconsider us
I decided to give him one more chance...

But the thing is we are again into trouble
He thinks I don't respect his family and m rude to all
Actually once I was a bit frustrated and was not in a mood of talking to one of his family members(on call) I'm sure I didn't say anything rude or insulting
I really care for his family
But now he thinks I hate them and I'm showing ATTITUDE...

He doesn't sound patient, nor understanding at all. Has he changed?

Yes, he has changed because he was sooooooooooo understanding before

But now he is not, Hmmmmmmmmmmmm!!

Sounds to me the he more issues than both of you think,he needs to be alone away from you and find out what is wrong with his life that is making him so mad.

He's not satisfied with is job , has issues in his family , also he's had a very troubled childhood...
Could this be the reason??

All I'm saying is the he needs space and think you know that

He checked my mails and is disappointed that m in touch with boys and that I share a few of my problems with them. Told me m I nt enuf for you to and share??
Is it wrong that I shared a few of my probs with others even though I got a boyfriend??

Oh now he's come up with a new rule... said you are my girlfriend so no contacts with guys whatsoever, he doesn't want me to communicate to any male in any way...


I just don't know why, first he was so free about it, he didn't mind me hanging around with my guy friends but now what??

If you don't like it, why put up with it, or his BS?

Your finding out some bad things about him, and there should be that much love in the world, for you to be manipulated, or controlled, by this ego tripping, insecure, little boy.

Is there??

OK, but I just can't go up to him and say I'm dumping you cause you are manipulating me can I??

There were times when I really badly needed someone and at that time he was there

That's why am so mixed up

Tell him, "My feelings have changed, and I'm confused, and need a break to think" like everyone else does.

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There were times when I really badly needed someone and at that time he was there

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So what your saying is his good points, out weigh his bad points??

Well yes as well as no

Yes cause in this relation so far he'd just been good and nothing else , but since last 2 months he's sometimes good, sometimes mad at me, cries sometimes its all confusing me...

Hey my boyfriend asked me again if I'd like to marry him, I didn't say no but I neither said yes...

He said he is changing now and will be back to his old loving self again, should I believe him??

My thoughts on that are a great quote I heard on a TV show, "A person is not who they were during the last conversation you had with them, they are who they have been all along"

If that doesn't make sense, you could always go with "actions speak louder than words"

I agree for sure! Red flag! I also agree if he changed when you moved to his city he is hiding something for sure. Your putting a damper on his lifestyle being so close to him now. Move back home.

Well its not that I'm in constant contact with my guy just because I've moved to his city, it's the same as we being in different cities, we have contrasting schedules...

The first month when I moved to his city I had no place to go and had no idea where to live and what to do, he was there for me at that time went out of his way to help me and see me settled well, even took days off just to be with me so that I wouldn't feel homesick



Then after a month his behavior took a sudden turn, he'd become angry over small things, try to control me and always wanted me to be giving him every small detail of what I'm doing.


So I did try to talk to him and said that he is not the same guy I fell in love with and he tells me he knows he's changed.

So now he comes and apologizes for all this and tells me that he had some problem with his family that is the reason he was always in a bad mood. Now he's sorted that out and ready to be there for me for the rest of his life!!


The reason I'm so reluctant to leave him is that this is the first time in our relation that he's ever got angry on me. Otherwise before he'd never raised his voice or done anything that would upset me. He was sweet to the extend of saying sorry and buying gifts for me to please me after a fight even if I was the in fault...

I'm so confused...

There really is nothing to be confused about, as we all put our best foot forward in the beginning, and everything is peachy keen.

When the honeymoon is over, and real life sets in, we start to see the rest of the package, and in a different light.

That's when the decisions come in, as to whether you still can live with what you are learning, or is it even worth it.

That's where you are now, and that's what you ask yourself. Can you handle the good/bad your learning about this guy, and is he worth it?

You are making this decision even more tough to make, cause actually after the marriage proposal he's never fought or tried to be controlling...

But I feel you are right because this may be a trait of his personality that he had not shown before

Well I don't know whether I did it right or not but...

I dumped him!!

I said love me for what I am not for what you want me to be...