How does a person know that something--a relationship would work if they put the effort in, and then just say they won't do it. How? It's one thing to believe that maybe its not working and never has. It's one thing to look at a relationship and say we don't have the compatibility. But how does anyone say, I need XYZ, I'v had XYZ with you strongly, and I know it would return with a little more communication, patience, and understanding, but I don't want too. Someone, anyone please explain this to me.

They won't put the effort in because they don't want the Relationship.

When your with someone you never know what could be the outcome. A relationship can only work if the two people involve want it to work and have determination for it to work because like a flower it takes time for it to blossom. Along the way your going have your up and downs, and sad and happy moments but in the end the bond between the two of you are unbreakable.

I have seen people in a long lasting relationship that had nothing in common because sometimes opposite do attract but any relationship you start is a gamble. As long as the person is doing right by you that is all that matters.

If you're not willing to work on a relationship then it just shows that you don't want it bad enough.

Friend hit the nail on the head. I am actually in a situation similar to this. I am "dating" this really attractive, sweet girl, who I believe may be counting on being in a relationship with me down the road... however, no matter how good I see this going, I am just purely not in the mood to be in a relationship right now. Relationships take time, effort, commitment and just can flat out require your full heart to be involved... I don't feel like doing that yet.

People just want different things, different ways, and when they don't feel they are getting it, or its not worth the trouble, then its time to go.

Sometimes, something has happened within the course of the relationship that one person (the person that still believes it can work) is in denial of being able to see or fully understand; and the person that wants out, has finally had enough of the person not getting it all along and has already emotionally distanced themselves enough from being able to truly let themselves want anything further to do with the relationship working.
This is obviously just a very select example, but it's my experience.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Friend hit the nail on the head. I am actually in a situation similar to this. I am "dating" this really attractive, sweet girl, who I KNOW is counting on being in a relationship with me...however, no matter how good I see this going, I am just purely not in the mood to be in a relationship right now. Relationships take time, effort, commitment and just can flat out require your full heart to be involved...I don't feel like doing that yet.

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So let me see if I understand. You have a situation where you know, you could have a great relationship. There are things there that you see, but because you don’t feel like putting in the “work” you are going to just let not happen? All due respect, but that sounds lazy and stupid to me. There’s no difference between what you’re saying and saying, “I have a great new job. It will pay me a great income, and it looks like I’m gonna be happy doing it, but I’m not gonna take it?” Aren’t you leading yourself down the road that sent people here to this board to begin with.

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Originally Posted by ka1

So let me see if I understand. You have a situation where you know, you could have a great relationship. There are things there that you see, but because you don't feel like putting in the “work” you are going to just let not happen? All due respect, but that sounds lazy and stupid to me. There's no difference between what you're saying and saying, “I have a great new job. It will pay me a great income, and it looks like I'm gonna be happy doing it, but I'm not gonna take it?” Aren't you leading yourself down the road that sent people here to this board to begin with.

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1.With all due respect, I have not given the person I am dating any reason to believe I am looking for a relationship. (as a matter of fact, she is more than well aware of my past and my present situation, and is fine with that)
2. With all due respect, I don't compare a relationship to a job.
3. With all due respect, I am not going to jump into another relationship without being fully, 100% behind it.
4. With all due respect, I have a MILLION other things in my life right now that really don't allow me to be in a full-on relationship.
5. With all due respect, I am just taking things as they go, and I am NOT trying to pretend otherwise.

I am neither lazy nor stupid. Unlike you, I don't need to have a significant other in my life to validate my goodness. There are certain times when a relationship just wouldn't be ideal. I am not the type of guy to start something and do it half a$$. Perhaps you got the wrong impression of me.

Carry on... :cool:

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Originally Posted by ka1

So let me see if I understand. You have a situation where you know, you could have a great relationship. There are things there that you see, but because you don’t feel like putting in the “work” you are going to just let not happen? All due respect, but that sounds lazy and stupid to me. There’s no difference between what you’re saying and saying, “I have a great new job. It will pay me a great income, and it looks like I’m gonna be happy doing it, but I’m not gonna take it?” Aren’t you leading yourself down the road that sent people here to this board to begin with.

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I couldn't agree more with kc here, but I'm going to play along with you and your job analogy though.

* What if you're not mentally prepared for this new job (just like if you are not fully over your ex)?

* What if you lack the skills for this new job (just like if you failed to learn the lessons from previous relationships)?

* What if you're not prepared to dedicate the time required for this new job? (just like if you have a ton of stuff going on in your life preventing you from being able to be as available as you need to be in a relationship)?

Stupid and lazy? Absolutely not - it is more like being conscientious and responsible for both your actions and your life.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

1.With all due respect, I have not given the person I am dating any reason to believe I am looking for a relationship. (as a matter of fact, she is more than well aware of my past and my present situation, and is fine with that)
2. With all due respect, I don't compare a relationship to a job.
3. With all due respect, I am not going to jump into another relationship without being fully, 100% behind it.
4. With all due respect, I have a MILLION other things in my life right now that really don't allow me to be in a full-on relationship.
5. With all due respect, I am just taking things as they go, and I am NOT trying to pretend otherwise.

I am neither lazy nor stupid. Unlike you, I don't need to have a significant other in my life to validate my goodness. There are certain times when a relationship just wouldn't be ideal. I am not the type of guy to start something and do it half a$$. Perhaps you got the wrong impression of me.

Carry on...:cool:

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Ok, but Dude. UNless you have the word "President" in front of your name, you're not that busy. Sorry, you're not. NO one is. You have the time, because relatinships, especially if you're as balanced as you say don' take that much time. So no, you don't have a million things between you and this girl.

You really think you know me that well... alright, here it goes:

1. I am an accountant in the health care field, which takes up on average 45 hours a week
2. I have a part time job to help save for law school, which takes up 30 hours a week
3. I am a Big Brother to a fatherless child (volunteer program)
4. I am taking 9 credit hours of classes at a local college for my MBA

Find the time in that schedule to devote yourself totally to a relationship. Guess you are better than me, and I also guess you know me so well that you know what I can and can't do... I will let you talk for me from now on. And, yes, relationships take TIME, especially in the beginning, to get to know each other and enjoy each other's company.

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Originally Posted by lola64

Sometimes, something has happened within the course of the relationship that one person (the person that still believes it can work) is in denial of being able to see or fully understand; and the person that wants out, has finally had enough of the person not getting it all along and has already emotionally distanced themselves enough from being able to truly let themselves want anything further to do with the relationship working.
This is obviously just a very select example, but it's my experience.

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Well if that's going to let them give up there person that best for them, then they deserve all stupid pain and frustration they'll get later on by throwing away life's blessing to them.

Why do you ask such a question and then get mad when people give you their OPINION? You sure are bitter aren't you??

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You really think you know me that well...alright, here it goes:

1. I am an accountant in the health care field, which takes up on average 45 hours a week
2. I have a part time job to help save for law school, which takes up 30 hours a week
3. I am a Big Brother to a fatherless child (volunteer program)
4. I am taking 9 credit hours of classes at a local college for my MBA

Find the time in that schedule to devote yourself totally to a relationship. Guess you are better than me, and I also guess you know me so well that you know what I can and can't do...I will let you talk for me from now on. And, yes, relationships take TIME, especially in the beginning, to get to know each other and enjoy each other's company.

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I don't care what you are. You are not the President, who is the only man that does not have time for stuff. Everyone else has time, they don't make the time. The don't prioritize. So say that. BUt you have the time. So use another excuse. SOme the stuff, Chuff said, some of that I can understand. But no time, or won't despite what you have in front of you, whatever.

You are like arguing with a 5 year old... if you don't get your way, you start crying like a baby. No wonder you can't find someone to "love" you. I don't make excuses, I am just responsible enough to know when I shouldn't dedicate myself to something that I CANNOT make work at this point in time.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Why do you ask such a question and then get mad when people give you their OPINION? You sure are bitter aren't ya???

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I wanted logical answers to a question. Not the same lame excuses the dumpers use on people. Again isn't that how most people ended up on this board.

As an aside I have always held the view about time. Looong before my break up. So that does not come from bitterness.

ka1 I just lost what little respect I had for you. Your argument to my points is absolutely insane. I was willing to give you a free pass for having a broken heart, but that is over now that you feel like attacking me.

Stay classy man! :cool:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You are like arguing with a 5 year old...if you don't get your way, you start crying like a baby. No wonder you can't find someone to "love" you. I don't make excuses, I am just responsible enough to know when I shouldn't dedicate myself to something that I CANNOT make work at this point in time.

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WON'T MAKE! And no I'm not arguning like a 5 yr old. I'm calling you out on a belief and premise that is false.

Is your literacy up to par? I have said I haven't STARTED a relationship due to the prior commitments I have, I have never said I WOULD break up with someone because of this. I have simply chosen not to dive into something at this moment that I don't believe would be fair to the other person. And no, it isn't supposed to be "won't make" as in future tense, it is supposed to be "don't make" as in I DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES!!

Your idea of "false" is YOUR opinion, as everyone has a right to their own opinion. You trying to "call me out" is almost laughable.

Kctiger, this is simple. 1. If I don't have love, or lost my love because utltimately she says she can't give me or the relationship the simple time or work that would make us work, because of some of the stuff said, like she does not have the time to put into, and I reject that premise. Because that is false. She has time. You have time. This is the same thing that parents or married couples say so often and then people wonder why they divorce or their kids can't stand them. You just used an excuse that dumpers use, “I can't because I'm busy.” Well, IF and I stress the IF the girl is as good as you say, then you should buck up and carve up the time. Becaue it's there.

I'm hurt, but make no mistake, my ex F%&^CKED up. That's easy to know when everyone in her life tells her that. That's not just my opinion, she did. And you're telling me that you are not going to get with this girl because you think you don't have time?? Again, poor excuse because its not true. You have it. Now why you won't give it. That's another thing, but don't sit and give me the excuse that so many dumpers use, man. Com on.

Some opinions are right. Some are wrong. It's that simple. You other commitments are not the problem. You have the time.

Ka I am doing all I can not get to absolutely pissed at your mode of thinking right now. I am done with this. I DO NOT care what you think of my response, or of me for that matter. Think what you want. Good luck to you! Been a plessure, as always. I would truly appreciate you not lumping me into the same mold you have for everyone else who uses a "lame excuse."

I guess, if I didn't value sleeping and exercising, and eating healthy, then yes, I do have time to have a full on relationship. Man, you are right! Thanks for showing me the error in my ways, and thanks for letting me know my opinion is wrong. You should be an expert.

In the end, it comes down to prioritizing. Right now, being in a romantic relationship with someone is just not one of my higher priorities. Good enough for you?

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Originally Posted by ka1

Kctiger, this is simple. 1. If I don’t have love, or lost my love because utltimately she says she can’t give me or the relationship the simple time or work that would make us work, because of some of the stuff said, like she does not have the time to put into, and I reject that premise. Because that is false. She has time. You have time. This is the same thing that parents or married couples say so often and then people wonder why they divorce or their kids can’t stand them. You just used an excuse that dumpers use, “I can’t because I’m busy.” Well, IF and I stress the IF the girl is as good as you say, then you should buck up and carve up the time. Becaue its there.

I’m hurt, but make no mistake, my ex F%&^CKED up. That’s easy to know when everyone in her life tells her that. That’s not just my opinion, she did. And you’re telling me that you are not gonna get with this girl because you think you don’t have time??? Again, poor excuse because its not true. You have it. Now why you won’t give it. That’s another thing, but don’t sit and give me the excuse that so many dumpers use, man. Com on.

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Dude, seriously... trying to analyze and break down what someone's intentions and words mean when they dump you is almost as productive as pounding sand. You think she gives a crap that you "reject her premise"? Do you think I give a crap if you "reject her premise?" You can't argue emotion with logic.. again, that is an exercise in futility.

The one with the clear problem here you and the delusional realilty that you seem to be harboring for this breakup. You are fighting tooth and nail against the fact that it is over. Done. Kaput. Gonzo. Fin. Finito. Dead. I could keep going here but hopefully you've gotten the point. What are you trying to prove to everyone and yourself by continually arguing and asking these questions that are essentially a reiteration or slight variation of prior questions that are almost completely pointless? I understand and encourage the need to vent - that's fine and dandy.. but you seem posting here just looking for a fight - looking for an argument that you don't agree with and latching on to it.

Back to kc's point, you also forget that is is NOT JUST ABOUT TIME but about being mentally prepared. I like how you completely ignored my prior post and arguments by the way, smooth. May I refer you to look back and take a look at what I wrote.

Who gives a flying squirrel's butt WHY or WHAT excuses our ex's give? The majority of the time they typically A. do not really know, B. are just trying to be nice, C. or are lying. If you can't accept this I don't think anyone here can help you. Good luck to you and the delusional world you live in.

Tal I think it is time to close this thread because the op is being dificult and a little insulting towards some memebers. Put the padlock on it.

That is why "dating" is called "dating". You are seeing other people, but not flinging yourself headlong into a relationship. These things take time and effort on both sides. It is up to both people honestly communicate their feelings and intentions to each other.

Like KC, I am dating as well. All the girls that I have talked to or dated have been very nice and attractive. However, as of right now, I like where I am at in life, being on my own. My past relationship burnt me out emotionally, to the point where I don't want a girlfriend RIGHT NOW. I know in a few months, or whatever, I will think otherwise.

People have there priorities in life. Mine right now are to meet new people and have fun doing what I want, when I want. KC's priorities are to better himself through education and volunteer work. KA your priorities involve trying to find another partner. There is nothing wrong with any of these!

The point I'm trying to make is, we all have different priorities in life. We all live our lives our own way. Some people always want or need to be in a relationship with someone, others can live on their own for periods. Everyone is different. No one who replied to this thread is wrong or right. You can't tell someone they are living their life in the wrong way, just like you can't tell someone they are living their life the right way. Why? Everyone is different and has there own way of going about things.

I got to side with my man KC on this one, when I first broke up with my ex and for months afterward, I didn't have time nor did I want to be in a relationship. I had too much on my plate, working two jobs, doing two a days at the gym to get myself confidence back and get in better shape. I couldn't care less about being in a relationship, sure I saw girls, hooked up with some even but I didn't care if I saw them once or everyday of the week. I also could care less if the girl text or called me after we hung out. I had more on my plate than to worry about some clingy girl trying to make me re-evaluate my priorities and make time for her. I make time for who I want, I live life on my own accord. Now I am in a relationship, still go to the gym but quit one job and go to the gym after my kids are asleep.

It's how someone feels, if they are ready to settle down for a relationship, so be it but if they aren't who the hell are you to judge them for what they feel they have time for

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

That is why "dating" is called "dating". You are see other people, but not flinging yourself headlong into a relationship. These things take time and effort on both sides. It is up to both people honestly communicate their feelings and intentions to each other.

Like KC, I am dating as well. All the girls that I have talked to or dated have been very nice and attractive. However, as of right now, I like where I am at in life, being on my own. My past relationship burnt me out emotionally, to the point where I don't want a girlfriend RIGHT NOW. I know in a few months, or whatever, I will think otherwise.

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Now that is logical. Of course you did not say you did not have time. Which is my whole point from start. I'm not insulting Ktiger personally, I'm insulting the premise, as it was not true. Uglyducking I did refer back to your points but got the name wrong. Thought you were chuff.

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Originally Posted by ka1

Now that is logical. Of course you did not say you did not have time. Which is my whole point from start. I'm not insulting Ktiger personally, I'm insulting the premise, as it was not true. Uglyducking i did refer back to your points but got the name wrong. thought you were chuff.

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You still got the name wrong buddy (it is UnluckyDucky, not Uglyduckling btw) but I don't take that stuff personal. Now you're just name calling! ;)

The point is that you are facing a reality which you must learn to accept. In the long run, can you honestly say that any excuses that your ex gave you really truly matter? No, they don't. She's already made up her mind for whatever reason and you can argue and/or refute that it is BS and the like until you are blue in the face but that doesn't change the situation.

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Originally Posted by ka1

Now that is logical. Of course you did not say you did not have time. Which is my whole point from start. I'm not insulting Ktiger personally, I'm insulting the premise, as it was not true. Uglyducking i did refer back to your points but got the name wrong. thought you were chuff.

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This is getting stupid. I guess you misunderstood me, or I didn't explain it well. I NEVER would tell someone I "don't have time for you." That is just poor tact. When I am ready to be in a full fledged relationship, then I will be, but, like Rome was before he met his fiancé, and like JMW is now, I would rather just have fun and not over complicate anything. That is my entire point. Is is about people's priorities, that is all. I have a lot of other things I want to accomplish before I dive into a serious commitment to a human being. Is this making any sense? If I wanted to, YES, I could be in a relationship, although probably not a very healthy one. I am just not ready, nor do I give a sh** about being a boyfriend right now...

Nice vent Ka1, you should feel better getting that poison out in this rant.

I know your still raw from being hurt, and these guys know it too, but no need to be insulting, but stubborn is allowed, as we all seem to be that.

I know for a fact, KC, Rome, UD, and the others have been through the mill themselves, and I think reading their stories (talk about hard headed... er... stubborn), will give you some good insights into your own feelings, and some reasons to be hopeful with your healing.

Hi Ka1
I know your hurting and it sucks , but to me it just seems your in denial.

We can go back and forwards about the "don't have time" theory and all the other bla bla bla , but the Bottom line is if she doesn't want to be with you she will give whatever excuse she can think of , wthout even knowing what it means herself.

I think all the guys/gals on this thread have given you some real good advice and its time for you to accept it and just move on.

No point wasting your energy on wondering about the ifs and buts of what someone else is thinking.

Move on, OK. Accept or agree never.

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Originally Posted by ka1

Move on, ok.

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Good move!

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Originally Posted by ka1

Accept or agree never.

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No problem , that's your choice.