My name is Duncan I am 21 years old and my girlfriend is 25 kathleen things happen yesterday night when we were arguing! Actually yesterday I pretty much loss my job! She is a pretty bossy and aggressive type person who easily triggers my emotions she is truly always emotion and cry herself and say I am wrong always! She doesn't write me in her diary, she doesn't tell her friends that I am her boyfriend or her family doesn't know! She doesn't tell me who her friends are that is what I am so pysche up about! But she is perfect she considers me but not always she consider herself more and her money more than me! Whenever I want to tell her something she will automactically say it is my own problem and I am a man and I should fix my own problem! She is the aggressive bossy type! But that is not always the case But is it bz of age or what! I did something I shouldn't have done yesteday by hitting her when she tick me off! Now she says she is scared of me and ignore my calls! And say I lose her already she will never come back! What can I do? I truly love her and don't want to lose her!

Sorry guy, but you hit her!!

Plain and simple... I would never go back either.

BTW, she does not sound perfect to me. Bossy, aggressive, doesn't share you with friends or family. Total and complete red flags!!

But the result is that you hit her. That was WRONG!!

Sorry J9... I gott spread the love...

I agree 100%.

She isn't perfect and you did hurt her.

J9 has it right on.

This was a TERRIBLE relationship to begin with. First of all she did not love you. Period, end of story...

She did not respect you, and from reading this post, you did not respect you.

Never let someone treat you this way!!

Am I correct in reading that she was your boss at work? If that is the case then she did not want anyone to know about your relationship. She was also compelled to be your boss at home.

But you will learn from this. NEVER HIT A WOMAN!!

Dude - go see a counselour now. You need some help. Please dothis now.

Thia women is NEVER coming back. You hit her. It's over.

Also - you need to understand that she played you. You never cared for you. You were her toy.

LEAVE HER ALONE FOREVER.

You have issues you nedd to resolve. You hit someone. That's horrible. I doubt you would ever weant to be with someone who beat you.

This is a classic example of how the dysfunctional hook up with the dysfunctional. If you don't change who you are, that is what you get stuck with, plain and simple. Its hard to imagine how you two loved each other unless you both are willing to confuse love with tolerate. The unspoken bargain you struck is "you'll tolerate her abuse and so she should tolerate yours". Only now she has withdrawn her end of the deal! Without question, a healthy man would run from this woman. And by the same token no woman is safe with you - - and now you know it. Please do yourself a BIG favor Duncan and seek professional help immediately... just like everyone is suggesting. You do NOT have to stay stuck where you are! I know this as a fact, as a firsthand fact of someone who went from very messed up to healthy with professional help.

PS - You already lost her too.

I agree with Valinor's Sorrow here, but also had to spread some love around...

You really need to clear out your head a little bit. IE: Get help!

And what do you mean she doesn't "write you in her diary", your English is a little unclear at times. Do you mean: She doesn't make time for you OR she doesn't write about you in her personal journal.
Sounds to me like you have been seriously intruding on her privacy, if it's the second example. No wonder she gets emotional with you. You have to give people some space here, and let them have their own lives. I wouldn't be rushing to introduce anyone that possessive to my family either, they would be very upset for me!
What do you mean she considers her money more than you? This is another unclear statement. What do you expect from her? I think you have already lost her, but I DO think you need to look at what you think a relationship should be giving you. Perhaps you are asking a LOT of dedication.

This guy makes me sick - you do not have theright to hit any woman - ever!

You are sicker than you think, get help now.

You never hit a girl. No matter how angry, no matter what. As far as her behaviour she was obvously using you and does not really care for you. You say you love and care for her but you abused her. ITS OVER.

Now it is time for you to move on.

Joe

Dude, your ex sounds EXACTLY like mine. But I never HIT HER! ***? I did yell at her once. But I NEVR laid a hand on her. No matter what any woman does to you, you never touch a girl. BREAK-UP with her instead, or go see a couple's counselor.

WHAT THE HELL? YOU HIT HER! Plus, honestly, don't POST THAT ON THE INTERNET. NO ONE WILL SIDE WITH YOU, or give you any SYMPATHY. Go see a shrink, starting from yesterday.

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Originally Posted by wadiok

My name is Duncan I am 21 years old and my gf is 25 kathleen things happen yesterday night when we were arguing! actually yesterday I pretty much loss my job! She is a pretty bossy and aggressive type person who easily triggers my emotions she is truly always emotion and cry herself and say I am wrong always! She doesn't write me in her diary, she doesn't tell her friends that I am her bf or her family doesn't know! she doesn't tell me who her friends are that is what I am so pysche up about! but she is perfect she considers me but not always she consider herself more and her money more than me! Whenever I want to tell her something she will automactically say it is my own problem and I am a man and I should fix my own problem! she is the aggressive bossy type! But that is not always the case But is it bz of age or what! I did something I shouldn't have done yesteday by hitting her when she tick me off! now she says she is scared of me and ignore my calls! And say I lose her already she will never come back! What can I do? I truly love her and don't want to lose her!

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No.1 - u hit her. You have read this in previous posts, and that's not the way go about your anger when you argue with your partner.. You should seek anger management classes, from what I read I also noticed that she probably pushed you and agrivated you but you would have come out stronger if you didn't lay hands on her.

No. 2 - I wouldn't stick a relationship like this.
TWO WRONGS Don't MAKE A RIGHT... if you understand this saying properly it means that you and her are 2 wrongs... its not going to work.
She is manipulative and annoying and she is agrivating you...

Let her go.

Can I also ask.. Why do you not want to lose her?
All you explained about her are her bad points, not once you mentioned a good point or said you loved her!! :confused:

Let's put the fact that you hit her aside for the moment.

Why do you ever want her? All you described are bad qualities, heck, I wouldn't even want a girl like this. She sounds awful.

Now, let's address the hitting. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER hit a woman because you are mad at how you are being treated. You did it, so it is done, so just learn from your mistake and NEVER do it again.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

This is a classic example of how the dysfunctional hook up with the dysfunctional. If you don't change who you are, that is what you get stuck with, plain and simple.

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I've never heard that but how true are those words. A lot of people, myself included really need to think about that.

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Originally Posted by CaptainForest

Why do you ever want her? All you described are bad qualities, heck, I wouldn't even want a girl like this. She sounds awful.

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He wants her because she "fits" him! As crazy as this is going to sound, there are many many subconscious clues that go into who we select as a desired mate. The dysfunctinal, impaired, damaged, sick (whatever you want to call it) people speak a different language than the healthy ones do. They mostly seek their own kind just as healthy people do. It is a natural law that sick people and healthy people don't work out together on many many levels.

And the sick ones strike bargains with each other -- I know I did and I have seen countless others do exactly the same thing. Basically, he wants her because who else would he stand a chance with... being a hitter? And some part of him knows that... and some part of her knew it too. It really does work that way. Based on her ending it, she may be seeking improvement, he is not. If she is not, she'll probably take him back and there is how the domestic violence trap is born, folks. I can totally relate to that since I was exactly where she is at one time.

As inconceivable as this is-- I subconciously yet very deliberately sought out sick people so that I would look better in their company, so that I would have someone else to blame when it got crappy (and it always got crappy too) and so I wouldn't have to look at myself because I would be too busy looking at them and mostly because I was guaranteed to be accepted since I was (or thought I was) better than them. It was sick and so was I.

She's more than just bossy and aggressive ; she's verbally and emotionally abusive. Frankly I'd avoid her like the plague. Unfortunately, hitting her wasn't a good idea either. It truly sounds like she asked for it and I can see how the temptation would build to the point where you just feel like you have to belt her. Walking away for good would have been smart. Now you've set yourself up as the bad guy. Either way, it's not a good situation. I'd stay away from her totally and completely, for your own physical and emotional protection. Remember, abuse begets abuse. No doubt your hitting her was a manifestation of that. Stop it now before it gets any worse and you wind up in real trouble. Actually it may be kind of a wake-up call for her maybe, to reflect on how she treats people. But that is her problem, not yours and you cannot play rescuer. Work on yourself right now and be your own best friend. Do the things you enjoy. Most of all, stay away from people who set you off and that includes people who are emotionally and verbally abusive.

I don't mean to stir the pot... and I'm by no means condoning this man hitting this woman. However, think on this one...

If a woman hits a man FIRST, should she be hit back?

What I'm trying to say... and I'm a girl... is that it's a cop-out to say that I can do whatever I want to a guy because he should NEVER hit me strictly because I'm female and he's male. Clearly, hitting should not be an option for either. And this is complicated... I just think that the golden rule could apply here.

Okay, y'all can blast me now...

Thanks for listening,
Arlene

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Originally Posted by arlenem

I don't mean to stir the pot...and I'm by no means condoning this man hitting this woman. However, think on this one....

If a woman hits a man FIRST, should she be hit back?

What I'm trying to say...and I'm a girl....is that it's a cop-out to say that I can do whatever I want to a guy because he should NEVER hit me strictly because I'm female and he's male. Clearly, hitting should not be an option for either. And this is complicated...I just think that the golden rule could apply here.

Okay, y'all can blast me now...

Thanx for listening,
Arlene

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Thinks for 2.8 seconds, oh yeah... tactfully reminds you that where I come from anyone hitting anyone is a crime. Its called assault. Nothing complicated about it, Arlene.

What is the goldne rule you are talking of?

The golden rule I know is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

But I don't see your point about hitting each other. Neither party is innocent in this situation, but what he did was a crime. HE HIT HER!

Enough said. No matter what the provacation he should never have hit her.

And yes you are right. Nor should she hit him. This is also abuse.

Bit confused here!

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Thinks for 2.8 seconds, oh yeah....tactfully reminds you that where I come from anyone hitting anyone is a crime. Its called assault. Nothing complicated about it, Arlene.

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See my comment "Clearly, hitting should not be an option for either." And it's not just where YOU come from that it's a crime.

My point was that while the man was clearly wrong for hitting the woman, a woman also has responsibilities to not take advantage of a situation by doing something she does not want done to her. He was not wrong to hit her simply because he is a man and she is a woman. He's wrong because he hit someone...anyone. What I was saying as complicated was the question of a woman hitting a man first. Why is she protected because "she's a girl", and he's not protected at all? Is he supposed to just take the assault? I'm thinking that he should just walk away, but is that always possible?

Obviously, we could go round and round and I'm sure I could never really convey my thoughts properly.

I'll say again... NO ONE SHOULD HIT ANYONE.

Thanks for not attacking my thoughts, even though you disagreed strongly.
Arlene

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Originally Posted by arlenem

See my comment "Clearly, hitting should not be an option for either." And it's not just where YOU come from that it's a crime.

My point was that while the man was clearly wrong for hitting the woman, a woman also has responsibilities to not take advantage of a situation by doing something she does not want done to her. He was not wrong to hit her simply because he is a man and she is a woman. He's wrong because he hit someone...anyone. What I was saying as complicated was the question of a woman hitting a man first. Why is she protected because "she's a girl", and he's not protected at all? Is he supposed to just take the assault? I'm thinking that he should just walk away, but is that always possible?

Obviously, we could go round and round and I'm sure I could never really convey my thoughts properly.

I'll say again...NO ONE SHOULD HIT ANYONE.

Thanx for not attacking my thoughts, even though you disagreed strongly.
Arlene

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I said "where I come from" because there are posts from people all over the world here Arlene and who knows what culture it may be legal to hit a woman. Truly.

And I didn't disagree with your premise, I just thought the way you postured it was a bit strange... you clearly invited a "blasting" having posted something a bit risky but now it seems I have offended with a little humor?

Forgive me.

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Originally Posted by Skell

what is the goldne rule you are talking of??

The golden rule i know is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

but i dont see your point about hitting each other. Neither party is innocent in this situation, but what he did was a crime. HE HIT HER!!

Enough said. no matter what the provacation he should never have hit her.

And yes you are right. Nor should she hit him. This is also abuse.

Bit confused here!

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Ah, someone sees my point! You're not confused on what I said. I'm trying to convey that if she had hit him, it would also be a crime. It's not a crime only because he's a man who hit a woman. It's a crime because he's a person who hit a person!

As for the golden rule, I meant only that if I don't want folks to hit me, I don't hit them. I won't go so far as to say that after he hit her, she should hit him, because that would only have made matters worse. Oversimplified, but still true.

Maybe what I was thinking to begin with was just to wonder if the post had been written by a woman who hit a man, would you all have been so angry?

Thanks for not attacking my thoughts,
Arlene

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I said "where I come from" because there are posts from people all over the world here Arlene and who knows what culture it may be legal to hit a woman. Truly.

And I didn't disagree with your premise, I just thought the way you postured it was a bit strange... you clearly invited a "blasting" having posted something a bit risky but now it seems I have offended with a little humor?

Forgive me.

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No forgiveness needed... I'm not offended anymore. :D As soon as I hit send, I said to myself "Aw, they didn't mean that like I took it!" I owe an apology too.

Actually, I was hoping for a spirited discussion, and I got one. Maybe I lied when I said I didn't want to stir the pot. :)

Yes, I should have warned everyone that I have a bad habit of typing my thoughts at a mile a minute, they make sense to me, and they are perceived in a different matter than intended. I'll blanket apologize for that now, and every time I commit that craziness.

Thanks again for not attacking. I'm happy that you understood most of what I said and agreed with my "premise". I have a huge pet peeve of folks who hide behind the opposite of something wrong. In this case, my thoughts ran to "if she hit him first, would she be pardoned because of her gender?"

Hope I haven't offended anyone, that is NOT my intention.
Arlene

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Originally Posted by arlenem

Maybe what I was thinking to begin with was just to wonder if the post had been written by a woman who hit a man, would you all have been so angry?

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If it makes any difference now, I can assure you I would have been just as forthright calling it out as wrong and I have yet to be angered by anything in this thread.

LOL Apology accepted and maybe next time you won't drive down the middle of the street, eh grasshopper? We are pretty good at the direct approach here... at least I think we are, shrugs? And welcome, if its not too late for that--always room for another spirited discussioner here!

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

If it makes any difference now, I can assure you I would have been just as forthright calling it out as wrong and I have yet to be angered by anything in this thread.

LOL Apology accepted and maybe next time you won't drive down the middle of the street, eh grasshopper?

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Naw, I love to straddle that double solid yellow line... but next time I'll try to be a bit more circumspect, eh, Sensai? :p

Huggz,
Arlene

Val,

You've given me the best welcome ever. An honest discussion without BS and sprinkled with understanding and humor. I think I'm going to like it here!

Off to bed with me now... talk more tomorrow.

Arlene

I don't agree with a man raising his hands on a women.. NO WAY.
But in this instance I get the feeling that she really instigated it.. which doesn't suppress what he did but that's how I see it.
She is mean.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by arlenem

See my comment "Clearly, hitting should not be an option for either." And it's not just where YOU come from that it's a crime.

My point was that while the man was clearly wrong for hitting the woman, a woman also has responsibilities to not take advantage of a situation by doing something she does not want done to her. He was not wrong to hit her simply because he is a man and she is a woman. He's wrong because he hit someone...anyone. What I was saying as complicated was the question of a woman hitting a man first. Why is she protected because "she's a girl", and he's not protected at all? Is he supposed to just take the assault? I'm thinking that he should just walk away, but is that always possible?

Obviously, we could go round and round and I'm sure I could never really convey my thoughts properly.



I'll say again...NO ONE SHOULD HIT ANYONE.

Thanx for not attacking my thoughts, even though you disagreed strongly.
Arlene

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Actually you did convey your thoughts properly and they are exactly right. We tend to adhere to a double standard where the issue of abuse between two people in a relationship is concerned, however dysfunctional such a relationship may be. We tend to tolerate abuse dished out by the woman but when a man does it we are all over him like flies on sh_t. Granted abuse may take on predominantly different forms when perpetrated by males and females, whereas men tend to be more physically abusive and women tend to be more verbally/emotionally abusive. However, abuse is still abuse and is never acceptable. Legally speaking, when labeling it a "crime", it is true that the authorities and the courts will take physical abuse more seriously than verbal/emotional abuse. That's because physical abuse is easier to prove, since it leaves visible marks and can be more readily verified in doctor's reports, etc. Cases of verbal/emotional abuse, unless actually recorded, tend to be more based on hearsay and a "he said, she said" dynamic. This is really impossible to substantiate to the extent necessary to satisfy any legal requirements so the legal system simply doesn't deal with it. During my bachelor years I had several "relationships" with women who were very verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Fortunately I never lost my temper to the point of hitting them, although the temptation was certainly there, trust me. Ultimately I walked away, which is what anyone experiencing any form of abuse whatsoever needs to do. Walk away and stay away for good. If necessary, change your phone number, e-mail address, even your address. You don't necessarily have to move across the country ; often the other end of town is sufficient. Just make sure the person doesn't ever learn of your new whereabouts. You can also get a restraining order to boot but until the courts start enforcing them more aggressively they're usually not worth the paper they're written on.

Any abuse verbal/physical is not what a healthy relationship is about period. Run don't walk, away as far as you have to.

[QUOTE=wadiok]My name is Duncan I am 21 years old and my girlfriend is 25 kathleen things happen yesterday night when we were arguing! Actually yesterday I pretty much loss my job! She is a pretty bossy and aggressive type person who easily triggers my emotions she is truly always emotion and cry herself and say I am wrong always! She doesn't write me in her diary, she doesn't tell her friends that I am her boyfriend or her family doesn't know! She doesn't tell me who her friends are that is what I am so pysche up about! But she is perfect she considers me but not always she consider herself more and her money more than me! Whenever I want to tell her something she will automactically say it is my own problem and I am a man and I should fix my own problem! She is the aggressive bossy type! But that is not always the case But is it bz of age or what! I did something I shouldn't have done yesteday by hitting her when she tick me off! Now she says she is scared of me and ignore my calls! And say I lose her already she will never come back! What can I do? I truly love her and don't want to lose her!

SOMEHOW THIS IS NOW OCT 11 AND WE BEEN BACK TOGETHER SINCE Sept 11 and I have changed a lot everybody thank you for your care you are right I am seeking a lot of counciling and changing for the one I love most! :D CHEERS EVERYONE AND MANY THANKS

Do I need to count how many doesn't are in your ask... too many... you have answered your question... so now... got up... shake off the dust and pinch your shirt and move on dude... you are young and the adventures of other women with their issues awakes you big man... move on... OK, You are still in love with the woman that you were once attracted to... she changed... there is too much drama her... are you afraid of looking for another... move on... get a good nights sleep...

In my opinion once you hit a woman you can't go back. I too came from very abusive relationships and the thing you need to learn right now is YOU NEVER HIT A WOMAN... If you loved her and respected her and wanted to be with her you would have never hit her in the first place.. period
Move on because she has.

Yeah I forgot this joker hit her. There's no way they are together.

He needs to go to counseling. I fear he will hit her again.

Wish we could go find Kathleen and warn her.

Dude - your not together - you haven't been together - leave her alone!!

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Originally Posted by wadiok

My name is Duncan I am 21 years old and my gf is 25 kathleen things happen yesterday night when we were arguing! actually yesterday I pretty much loss my job! She is a pretty bossy and aggressive type person who easily triggers my emotions she is truly always emotion and cry herself and say I am wrong always! She doesn't write me in her diary, she doesn't tell her friends that I am her bf or her family doesn't know! she doesn't tell me who her friends are that is what I am so pysche up about! but she is perfect she considers me but not always she consider herself more and her money more than me! Whenever I want to tell her something she will automactically say it is my own problem and I am a man and I should fix my own problem! she is the aggressive bossy type! But that is not always the case But is it bz of age or what! I did something I shouldn't have done yesteday by hitting her when she tick me off! now she says she is scared of me and ignore my calls! And say I lose her already she will never come back! What can I do? I truly love her and don't want to lose her!

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Ho man... Don't discourage yourself yet. Some women look strong from the outside but may suffer from some inside needs. Try to get self confidence and be positive, concentrate on you, expose that self confidence and stop asking her questions. She may be missing a partner's strength on which she needs to rely on.