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In a relationship, if he or she "thinks" about possibilities with another person, because he or she has feelings for that person, but does not act on these feelings, is it considered cheating? I think it's called "emotional" cheating?
Personally, I only consider it cheating when the person acts on the feelings. Basically starting from kissing and onward.
It is easy to control our actions, but it is nearly impossible to control feelings?
I'd call it emotional cheating. Depends on the situation, but sometimes it can be worse then physical cheating.
Ya I agree with chuff, ccan nearly be worse at times.
Answer me this, would you feel comfortable telling your significant other about these feelings? I doubt it!
Ya if you've fallen for someone else then your not there with her emotionally anymore.
It spells the beginning of the end...
See, this is where I get confused. When we are single, we can be attracted to more than 1 person at the time and it is acceptable. But once we're taken, we can't have feelings for another person or else it is considered cheating.
But we are the same person while we are single or while we are dating.
So does that mean that if we are single and we are attracted to more than 1 person, we should not commit yet?
It depends on whom you ask.
I don't think it's cheating because there's no physical involvement. In that case, men cheat with Playboy models and 18 year old girls in skimpy clothing at the malls all of the time. We all know that's unreal in the natural world.
Adding:
When we're in relationships we can't just tune out our eye sight and pretend as if we can't find other people attracted.
That's BS.
Leo, There's a difference between being attracted to someone and 'falling' for them.
Possibilies can go either way. They don't mean anything. I know women whom are married whom think "I wonder if I would have stayed with Frank how our kids would've looked, our life would have turned out" etc. I'm not saying it's the sweetest thing in the world for someone to imagine the possibility of being with someone else- but let's just face it. Sometimes when you are angry or see the apparent flaws in your significant other, your mind wonders and does crazy things.
If the feelings are running really deep, then I agree that it's serious.
Let's say person A and B are together. Person A starts having feelings for person C. However, person A is really committed to person B, so person A tries really hard to suppress the feelings (for person C) and does not act on any of the feelings. Then, is that still cheating?
No, it's not cheating.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
It's being human. We can't control our feelings but we can control our bodies.
Guilty, I fell for the Fox news whether girl 10 years ago, until the hot anchor on CNN, came along and blew my mind. It gets worse as Tina Turner got me all bothered, but then faded from view, so now between Beyonce, and Shikara, Soledad O'Brien, Katie Couric, I barely have time to lust after Faith Hill, and Barbara Walters. See how complicated it gets?
Bottom line is as long as you stay within the bounds of good behavior, you can feel whatever you want. No problem.
Want to hear the wife's "list of men who I can't hold a fig to"? How much time do you have?
Thinking about another person is not cheating or else I have been cheating for years. Lol Acting on it is a whole different story. It's human nature as most people say, well that's because it is. Just make sure not to act on it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Barbara Walters? Seriously Tal we need to talk.
I agree that thinking about things is not cheating. There is a girl I work with that is a good friend of mine, we all go out to the bar once in a while (her husband included) and hang out. While I was still with my x, I ended up having a VERY intimate dream about the girl I work with. What's weird, is I don't think of her that way at all... she is not even close to my type. Obviously I didn't tell my g/f at the time about the dream, but I still don't even consider that cheating... I can't control what things pop into my head, or what things I dream about.
"Thinking" about things with someone is not cheating to a point. We all "think" about others, whether we are attracted to them or not. That's like me thinking about "things" with Anne Hathaway. Yes she is fantastically gorgeous, but I don't devote time and energy thinking about her through out my day. I don't buy her gifts or plan evenings out with her.
When you start devoting more time and effort toward someone and neglecting your partner to spend more time with the one you are "thinking" about... thats when it turns into emotional cheating.
Your partner will notice this as well, when he or she sees and feels the change and the neglect from the emotional cheater.
Remember, cheating doesn't ALWAYS occur with physical contact. It can happen in other ways as well.
Yeah, dreams is another debate. Some people would say that if we are able to dream about something, it means we must have thought about it consciously at some point, even for a split second.
I kind of disagree with this theory. There are things that we dream of that does not even exist in the world as we know it.
There's a very clear difference between "fantasizing" and "cheating". Both men and women in committed relationships "fantasize" and its normal and some would argue its actually health to do this. I think that the difference is that once you start projecting romantic feelings towards someone other than your significant other (ie, more than just casual flirting), you're crossing that line into "emotional" cheating.
Having a crush or physical attraction to someone I think is acceptable.
However, anything more than a crush, any genuine romantics feelings for someone counts to me as emotionally cheating which as some people have said, can be worse than than actually acting on a mere crush.
Crushes are weird too. Many people react and act so differently. Cheating can start the moment you think what if.. I tend to think if you are devoting time to this thought and energy to this thought and taking away from the relationship it's wrong. I also subscribe to the thought that bottom line you know how you feel and you know when it's wrong. If you can't share it, it's not right.
I disagree with you MS... how can you possibly control every though that goes through your mind to prevent this? That is like saying you can't ever "check someone out" while walking through the mall. You can't help it, I'm sure the ladies do it just as much as us guys (we just tend to stare longer lol) but if you see some 18-19 year old girl walking around wearing a mini skirt that could fit a 10 year old, you can't help but look, and for a split second, possibly think of some other things. Then reality sets back in, you walk right by her, and never think of her again. How can that be considered cheating? I have definitely thought "what if", but obviously have no feelings for the girl, never even touched or talked to her in any way, and will more than likely never see her again.
Exactly. Some people are more absolute and severe on what constitutes cheating. That is why I asked this question, I was wondering if there were people who were less strict on the term "cheating".Quote:
Originally Posted by suddenImpact
I would never call that cheating, if you have a sexual fantasy with someone else so be it. It's human nature if you can't get over that your immature and jealous.
Being attracted to other people, is human, it's not controllable and I wouldn't call that cheating. What you are talking about involves NO emotions. It's a physical response, even fantasies don't involve emotions.
When you emotionally cheat, you have a connection with someone who is not your significant other. You have a bond, you may imagine a life together. There are feelings, not just physical, but emotional (ie love, lust, infatuation) attraction to another person. It is harmful to a relationship because once you are in a situation where you are emotionally separated you are not giving 100% to your significant other, because you don't have 100% left to give.
It is far more harmful to a relationship to be emotionally cheated on, because you will have your body back, but when someone touches your mind and heart, those aren't things you turn off as easily. Emotional cheating requires time and a relationship.
Sudden Impact you have taken what I wrote way too literally. What I mean by time and energy is just this... Scenario...Quote:
Originally Posted by suddenImpact
Your wife has a friend her friend comes over a couple times a week. She's hot... you stare. You realize after a couple of visits she's good eye candy. She leaves your still thinking about her. She comes around again, your thinking... your flirting, it's a "crush" she leaves... your still thinking. You start asking questions... it's innocent. She comes around your thinking... Still nothing has physically happened. However, it's not necessarily right. Also... people can be so transparent when they find someone attractive and they walk that line of innocent flirtation.
After a while that is time and energy away from your relationship. That is different than just your run of the mill girl that walks by with a short skirt on. That's how I meant what I was describing. It can become hurtful to the person that has to watch their significant other make a jackA$$ out of him/herself... you know what I mean?
I see what your saying it'd aggitate me if my girlfriend started flirting to another guy, but if its just a visual looking fantasy there's nothing you can do about it every guy is like that if you find one that isn't I doubt he's straight.Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMewiththat
I do know what you mean... that kind of flirting, although I agree is not right, I wouldn't consider it cheating still. In that situation, I think the right thing for the guy to do is tell his wife, he don't feel comfortable with her around or something like that. Maybe even say why if he feels he can. I don't think these situations are completely avoidable though. Most people work with at least one person they find attractive, and if that person comes and talks with you, and maybe flirts a little, I'm sure most people are going to flirt back a little. Co-workers you can't just push away, or avoid as easily. Its going to happen. No matter who you are or who your with, on occasion, it will.
And it's not just the fantasy... it's the time and energy you spend thinking about that person and it begins to show when you are around that person... it's a fine line, but it can happen quickly and then it becomes cheating in my mind. It's okay that we disagree, that is what this is about... what does it mean to you. To me fantasizing, thinking about people when they are not physically ever around you isn't a big deal. <---meaning celebrities or people put out their for us to possibly admire. Playboy chicks or penthouse girls whatever. The girl walking down the mall, she's hot whatever. My sister, my friend, cousin, co-worker... crushes that turn into flirting etc. now that's walking a fine line... even though she hasn't taken you up on anything and may not notice it herself... doesn't mean your thoughts are right? Cheating, maybe it's a strong word, but if you can't sit down and say honey, your sister has been in my dreams all month. She's hot. What do you call it?
I don't even agree that innocent flirting is crossing a line. Some men and women interact differently, I have been known to make more than my share of a suggestive comment or two, but that by no means is any indication that I would follow through and it isn't an emotional attachment.
As far as your example Ms, I am not even sure that would be cheating. Assuming the wife is always there, since it is her friend and all the man had done is find her attractive and done a little fantasizing, it's relatively harmless, IF both parties keep it at that level. I don't see the time and energy lost in the relationship in your example.
Mostly when people start emotionally cheating there partner is not in the same room. Once the set up moves from my friend over to visit me to over to visit my significant other when I am not there. A line is crossed.
And it does, of course,it's all about how you handle it that defines it. It feels good to have people attracted to you, just don't let it get out of hand. We have boundaries and we all know what the person in our lives would find offensive or hurtful to them. It's all about keeping it within the boundaries... coloring in the lines so to speak.Quote:
Originally Posted by suddenImpact
Well if your sister was ever in any of your boyfriends minds theyd never tell you because obviously it'd piss you off like no tomorrow and be dumped in a heart beat. Which is what I see your getting at but also, we'd never say ooh man that girl at the mall I been thinking about her all month I can't get her off my mind, you know. I'm sure youv even had fantasies with other people while dating someone it happens and its natural. And I agree with sudden impact flirting is going to happen whether its at work in the office or going to the convient store to get some gum
I think that we can all agree that the level of intimacy with the other person plays an important role in defining "cheating".
If we are able to draw a line with that person, thinking about it isn't as serious an offence, just yet.
How about when we start depending emotionally on that other person instead of our boyfriend or girlfriend? We could easily go to our friends, but we end up going to the person we feel some attraction to...
In my book, this is where it begins to cross the line... two types of cheating: emotional, and physical... this falls into the emotional category. Feelings are one thing, actions are a totally different thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
I can agree with that... I say when it gets to where you depend on another person emotionally, it can be crossing a line.
Great choice of words... depend on... I agree
Oh man... does this mean the debate is over? Now I have to get back to work :(
Thanks for all the answers!
The reason I posted this thread is because I know quite a few people who are really absolute on this matter. As in... "If you really loved that person, you wouldn't even think twice about someone else... and that feelings for someone else would automatically be blocked out."
I thought it was just me who finds this reasoning a little bit extreme...
It depends, I wouldn't consider it emotional cheating unless you talk to this woman or interact with her and begin to decline with your part of the relationship. I think everyone has thought about someone else, only looks wise. Once you start thinking about how a relationship would be, then it's emotional cheating.
Not cheating but if your going to think about someone else than what's the point of even being with the other?
It is normal to think of someone else from time to time. It is emotional cheating when you continue to dwell on the person.
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