Moved to new thread


I've been with him for 7 1/2 years and just recently it's escalated to physical violence to me. He's never laid a hand on me before. I was tired of constantly arguing with him over every little thing. He always had to have things ultimately his way. He didn't speak to me in a very respectful manner... just wasn't nice.

One final incident put me over the edge. I was already seeking personal counseling to try to figure out how to communicate to him how unhappy I was and to find out if he was truly abusive or if I was just exaggerating things, you know? The incident was still in my mind where he embarrassed me in front of friends at lunch telling me to "knock it off", yelling at me more like it, when I jumped into a conversation and talked over him. Mind you I did that quite often and tried to remember not to and just did this time. We had already been arguing that morning on whether I was going to the lunch or not (I was sick and really wanted to stay home but he wanted me to go). When he yelled one couple looked shocked... I put my menu up and silently cried. My heart and feelings hurt once again. I just couldn't let it go. I went home after the counseling appointment and asked him to leave. He did the next day because I just told him I needed space to figure things out which I did.

A month went by and he was trying to contact me and showing up at the house at least once a week. Then one night he came back and threatened to kill himself. I tried to stop him (calling 911) and he choked me. He moved back.

It's gotten better then worse. Another night after being turned down "intimately" yet again he choked me worse pretty much close to death.

He's still at the house and we are going to couples counciling and swears he sees the errors of his ways (treating me badly in the past) but still downplays the physical abuse. Is there any real hope for our relationship? Counselors have told me that it's not but I just don't want to believe them... you know. I wish I could just erase everything bad that's happened from my brain and just start over on a clean slate :(

Any thoughts?

You really need to get away from him and be safe while you heal. It takes an awful lot of work on both your parts to cope with this and I honestly don't think he is into trying. This may be something you do on your own without the threat he poses to you by being there. Please protect yourself.

File a police report, make your family aware. This cannot go on. It will only get worse. If you are afraid of leaving, just think of the alternative. One of these days you might not be so lucky.

While I can appreciate the way you are feeling about your situation and your relationship, you have to realize that your life is in danger. It is easy to get caught in the emotions and feelings of wanting to reconcile with a partner that you've been with for a long time however there is a real physical danger here - especially with him "downplaying" the physical violence.

You said he nearly choked you to death. You need to be careful and to protect yourself. You need to believe that you do NOT deserve this treatment.

Thank you for your input on my situation... I'm just so confused most of the time:confused:

He said both instances where he lost control and choked me were because he had taken a "happy pill" he had gotten from some friends. He said he'd never do it again. But... one thing about the last incident just sticks in my head. After he let go of me and I was laying on the ground promising not to call the cops and I reached for my phone again he pushed his and my phone out of my way and then I didn't try again. If he was that out of control why would he have thought to still keep the phone out of my reach? He wouldn't be thinking rationally right and he was...

The more time that passes the harder and more blurred everything becomes and the more confused I get from everything. Like I said in 7 1/2 years he's never laid a hand on my until just recently but then again I've always submitted to make things smoothed over or trusted and believed in what he said.

He says I'm giving up on the marriage and then I feel like I'm failing him you know? He professes marriage is for better or worse and that the bible states that the only thing that should dissolve a marriage is adultery which hasn't happened.

In counseling he admits he was wrong in how he's talked to me and treated me but doesn't really address the whole physical aspect and says "what I'm going to be counseling the rest of my life for that...I was wrong and it was wrong". He says that I'm just going to have problems in any other relationship I'm in so why not "communicate" and work on the problems with him. He says if I don't talk about and try to fix the problems then I'll just be in wreckage with any relationship I'm in... That makes some sense to me but I don't know?

Can I really honestly forget everything and be okay? I'm thinking not really and I really wish I could. I know he's hurting right now too and I hate to see him upset and hurting... I know all the articles and counselors and discussions I've read have told me to pack up and leave but it's hard. I'm the one who supports us financially working two jobs (he's only been out of work for about 8 months... but I don't feel he's even trying) and now that the unemployment is about out and tips are down we can't afford the bills...

Is there any hope for our relationship or am I just putting off the inevitable? I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished but it's been 7 1/2 years. Yeah there have been good times but so much hurt too... Who tells their spouse "oh well it will be easier with only two dogs" when you are in the middle of searching for your lost dog hysterically crying? We had just moved 2,500 miles away from my home town where I knew no one but him so already kind of emotional...

Does anyone think this relationship is fixable? He's made some improvements in his behavior but I feel like he's just doing it because that's what he needs to do...

Get away or next time you won't live to tell the tale. Far too often women don't report it and then end up dead. Don't fall victim to his heartless apology.

I witnessed my mum go through that and it was absolutely heartbreaking and I don't think any of my siblings or my mum was ever the same after that. No one deserves to be treated that way. Chances are if it happens once it will happen again. Don't wait until it's to late to get away from that type of situation. Because I watched my mother get pulled into it and it broke her in so many more ways then just the obvious physical pain.

Quote:

---

Thank you for your input on my situation... I'm just so confused most of the time:confused:

He said both instances where he lost control and choked me were because he had taken a "happy pill" he had gotten from some friends. He said he'd never do it again. But... one thing about the last incident just sticks in my head. After he let go of me and I was laying on the ground promising not to call the cops and I reached for my phone again he pushed his and my phone out of my way and then I didn't try again. If he was that out of control why would he have thought to still keep the phone out of my reach? He wouldn't be thinking rationally right and he was...

The more time that passes the harder and more blurred everything becomes and the more confused I get from everything. Like I said in 7 1/2 years he's never laid a hand on my until just recently but then again I've always submitted to make things smoothed over or trusted and believed in what he said.

He says I'm giving up on the marriage and then I feel like I'm failing him you know? He professes marriage is for better or worse and that the bible states that the only thing that should dissolve a marriage is adultery which hasn't happened.

In counseling he admits he was wrong in how he's talked to me and treated me but doesn't really address the whole physical aspect and says "what I'm going to be counseling the rest of my life for that...I was wrong and it was wrong". He says that I'm just going to have problems in any other relationship I'm in so why not "communicate" and work on the problems with him. He says if I don't talk about and try to fix the problems then I'll just be in wreckage with any relationship I'm in... That makes some sense to me but I don't know?

Can I really honestly forget everything and be okay? I'm thinking not really and I really wish I could. I know he's hurting right now too and I hate to see him upset and hurting... I know all the articles and counselors and discussions I've read have told me to pack up and leave but it's hard. I'm the one who supports us financially working two jobs (he's only been out of work for about 8 months... but I don't feel he's even trying) and now that the unemployment is about out and tips are down we can't afford the bills...

Is there any hope for our relationship or am I just putting off the inevitable? I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished but it's been 7 1/2 years. Yeah there have been good times but so much hurt too... Who tells their spouse "oh well it will be easier with only two dogs" when you are in the middle of searching for your lost dog hysterically crying? We had just moved 2,500 miles away from my home town where I knew no one but him so already kind of emotional...

Does anyone think this relationship is fixable? He's made some improvements in his behavior but I feel like he's just doing it because that's what he needs to do...

---

It can be very confusing at times but one thing remains clear - happy pills or no, he crossed that line into physical violence. Not once, but TWICE!

I personally don't buy his explanation but let's just suppose he is telling the truth about the pills. He is ultimately responsible for putting himself in the position to hurt you physically, right? His friends didn't strap him into a chair, force his mouth open, and make him take the pills did they? It's the same thing when people go out and get drunk and lose control. They took that first sip of booze - they are responsible for whatever happens after that!

One of my ex's was in an extremely abusive relationship. Her husband at the time was controlling and manipulative - she KNEW she was in a bad situation and part of why she stayed with him was because of the whole "for better or worse". Well this "for better or worse" escalated to the point where she was thrown from a car and was nearly killed. Bible or not, you have a right to protect and defend yourself from harm. Now as far as him saying you should try to work things out, he hasn't even owned up to how serious his actions were. I'm sorry but if his idea of "communicating" involves choking, I'd politely decline that offer - and so should you.

I know you want to forget all that has happened. I know you wish things were back to the way they were before. But none of that is possible - we don't live in the past. We live in the now. I know this is so hard for you but you need to find the strength inside yourself to do what you already know must be done. Take a step back and listen to your own words...

Quote:

---

I've always been the type of person to never give up because if you put your mind to it... anything can be accomplished

---

Don't give up on yourself! Put your mind into getting out of this. You deserve better than this mess.

Get out.

My sister stayed with an abusive husband for 7 years, until he pulled a gun on her in front of their kids.

He, too, had to always have things his way, and manipulated her into believing that every time he lost control, if SHE had just done something different, then HE wouldn't have reacted like that.

YOU should control you. YOU should make you happy. All your man is doing is making you believe that you do not deserve to be happy, and that he's the only thing that can make you happy.

You are NOT a failure. You are NOT supposed to stay in a marriage where your husband hurts you.

Maybe the wedding vows WERE for better or for worse. Maybe the Bible DOES say that the only reason for a divorce is adultery. But the Bible ALSO says that a man should love his wife like Jesus loves the Church--reverantly, protecting her, putting her first in his thoughts and heart.

He doesn't do that. Therefore HE is the one going against the Bible. He is NOT going to change.

File a police report, and ask the officer that takes your statement where your local women's shelter is.

Do NOT go back to this man no matter what. He treats you worse than most people treat their DOGS--and you're not a dog, honey, you're a woman who deserves better than the scraps that he's throwing you.

Thank you all for your thoughts and help in trying to understand how things really are. I know I don't deserve to be treated badly because no one does you know? That's why I feel so bad... I know I'm hurting him.

But I think everyone is right in that things aren't going to get better no matter how hard I wish and hope them too.

This last weekend was another trial of all that. Fairly uneventful all weekend because I slept a lot to catch up on missed sleep during the week. Then Sunday around 11am all the furry came out!

He started yelling how I was selfish and he needed intimate attention and love and that I can go to work (my second job at the bar) and get tips and show them more attention than I show him. He spouts that we should melt our rings and get money for them... Then I try to explain that I'm hurt by what's happened and he says it's a cop out and I'm not taking his feelings into consideration at all.

He says he leaves me alone and doesn't but me but he gets nothing in return... what cuddle time once in a while that's nothing he says. Then he slams things around and knocks things over. He says he's leaving and filing for divorce and then said to have fun at the counselor by myself because he's not going and I can just tell him it's over. I didn't beg him to stay but told him I was doing the best I could. He said no I wasn't and that I just needed to let go so we could start with a clean slate.

He doesn't leave but keeps on and cuddles until I finally give in to sex because I really don't have any option because the fighting and pushing wouldn't have stopped and I needed rest for work. I got to bed around 2am...

Today he texts that he called his perscription in (he used to ask me to do it) and then said he was making us a good dinner and desert for after the counselor and sorry he blew up last night but he just wants love and a smile from me every now and then. Then he texts later to ask when the appointment is and hopes I have a good day and professes how much he loves me.

Is this behavior insane or am I just over exaggerating someone who is just frustrated??

Thanks...
LovesAnimals

He is now in the honeymoon phase, so no this behavior is NORMAL for an abuser.

Things start in the honeymoon stage, he is apologetic, attentive, helpful, everything a wonderful partner is.

Then you move into the tension building, things are shorter, not as much attention, his temper is building.

Then finally you have the blow up, the abuse cycle at it's worse. The fight, the name calling, the throwing, pushing, screaming, injuries. After this we can return to the honeymoon stage.

You are in an abusive relationship and all of the excuses you can make, do not excuse the behavior. You have to get out.

Quote:

---

That's why I feel so bad... I know I'm hurting him.

---

Whoa, hold on now... I fail to see how YOU are hurting HIM. You are feeling guilt for his actions? You need to snap out of that way of thinking. You have to remember something, he is ultimately responsible for how HE reacts to a given situation. It isn't like you blatantly provoked this kind of behavior from him. His reaction was NOT normal. Please stop blaming yourself for this. You are the victim here, not him!

Quote:

---

But I think everyone is right in that things aren't going to get better no matter how hard I wish and hope them too.

---

In times like this, I hate being right. I'm sorry he has put you in a situation to make you feel this way.

Quote:

---

This last weekend was another trial of all that. Fairly uneventful all weekend because I slept a lot to catch up on missed sleep during the week. Then Sunday around 11am all the furry came out!

He started yelling how I was selfish and he needed intimate attention and love and that I can go to work (my second job at the bar) and get tips and show them more attention than I show him. He spouts that we should melt our rings and get money for them... Then I try to explain that I'm hurt by what's happened and he says it's a cop out and I'm not taking his feelings into consideration at all.

---

How selfish you are because HE wanted sex but you have TWO jobs you work to earn money? He's out of his mind. It is funny how he's the first to say that you aren't taking HIS feelings into consideration yet he hasn't given a damn about yours. Almost ridiculous really.

Quote:

---

He says he leaves me alone and doesn't but me but he gets nothing in return... what cuddle time once in a while that's nothing he says. Then he slams things around and knocks things over. He says he's leaving and filing for divorce and then said to have fun at the counselor by myself because he's not going and I can just tell him it's over. I didn't beg him to stay but told him I was doing the best I could. He said no I wasn't and that I just needed to let go so we could start with a clean slate.

---

You know you're doing the best you can - EVERYONE here can see it too! But of course, he goes off and says you're not. Is HE doing the best he can? Clean slate yet "he slams things and knocks things over"? Just a matter of time until he starts doing that to you again... Actions speak louder than words.

Quote:

---

He doesn't leave but keeps on and cuddles until I finally give in to sex because I really don't have any option because the fighting and pushing wouldn't have stopped and I needed rest for work. I got to bed around 2am...

Today he texts that he called his perscription in (he used to ask me to do it) and then said he was making us a good dinner and desert for after the counselor and sorry he blew up last night but he just wants love and a smile from me every now and then. Then he texts later to ask when the appointment is and hopes I have a good day and professes how much he loves me.

Is this behavior insane or am I just over exaggerating someone who is just frustrated??

Thanks...
LovesAnimals

---

I'm usually the first to say that I believe that there is good in everyone, but this behavior is clearly insane and absolutely unacceptable. You needed to get some sleep for your TWO jobs and he pretty much PRESSURES you into having sex. Very not cool.

This guy is really bad news. The best thing for you to do in my opinion is get out of this relationship PRONTO! He has TONS of issues he needs to work out on his own. You deserve so much better than this!

There is no way you should still be in that relationship. It is a dangerous predicament and you need to get out. Don't think about how it was before because this is for your own safety.

I am really stuck though... We are so buried in debt, I'm 2500 miles away from my family and I really don't have any real close friends out here. I want to get away but when I've tried it hasn't worked so well...

He has family so I asked him to leave, well he ended up back and choked me twice now. I applied to rent a house but they turned me down because of my credit. I have good credit but owe so much that it shows my one job won't cover everything and my second job is tips only so non-verifiable. I was so upset last Friday so that's why I decided to give everything another real shot but I guess I really didn't because I can't let go...

I spent today at work looking for other places to rent and found a place that will accept all my pets but I have to set up a showing and yet again ask my retired parents to please help me out... I feel like such a loser and a failure.

Then even if I move out, that doesn't mean that he's out of my life. He knows where I work (both jobs) and will probably be able to find me. Heck he'll probably follow me when I move because it's not like he's not going to know. My life is a complete wreck and I'm losing faith in everything...

I've tried to be a hard worker and treat others as I'd like to be treated for the most part except I can't give give give to him any more. I know he's hurting because I'm not being the sweet loving wife I once was with my eyes and mouth closed. I thought he could never do any wrong.

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now? He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past? I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head. I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect... I understand change does not happen over night but... really?

Quote:

---

I'm not being the sweet loving wife I once was with my eyes and mouth closed. I thought he could never do any wrong.

---

Why should he expect you to be the sweet loving wife, and why should you keep your eyes and mouth closed? He's not your master, he's your husband.

Quote:

---

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now?

---

Has he taken your feelings into consideration? If someone you didn't know treated you like this, would you put up with it?

Quote:

---

He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past?

---

Saying something and showing something are two different things. He can talk until he's blue in the face, they're just words, and his actions say that he is sorry and won't stop, so yes, he should be condemned forever!

Quote:

---

I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect

---

No one is perfect, but most people are kind, caring and loving. It really isn't that hard not to yell at someone, not to beat someone. He can't manage it, and he never will.

I know it's hard to leave, he has pushed you down to the point that you don't think you can make it on your own. It won't be easy, there will be hard roads ahead of you, but you can do it.

Would you rather be the girl who left, pulled herself up and found life, or the girl that stayed because of debt and fear and ended up 6 feet under?

This isn't going to have a happy ending, I promise you. Most times I would say "seek counselling, try and make it work" but not when there is abuse and it's obvious that he won't change.

We see it, you see it, but only you can do something about it. We can only offer encouragement, and we are encouraging you to leave.

Not one person so far has told you to hang on, give it another chance. That alone should tell you something. We're looking at this situation without prejudice, we see the clear picture, so listen to us, because I know we're all right about this.

Take care of yourself, get out now!

Quote:

---

Should I be taking his feelings more into consideration right now? He said he's admitted what he's done was wrong and now is supposed to be condemed forever for the past? I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head. I told him he still has the same behavior and his reply is that he's not perfect... I understand change does not happen over night but... really?

---

Was he taking your feelings or well-being into consideration when he choked you? Or when he yelled at you in that public restaurant? Or when he pressured you into having sex with him time and time again? Hell no he didn't.

The fact that he's still acting violently and still is not taking YOU into consideration speaks volumes. He's taking advantage of your good nature by putting the GUILT on you to forgive him. He's shown no remorse here. He's just been sweet talking you again but I suspect that it is just a game. As you said, change doesn't happen overnight.

Don't give up. You are not a loser and you're not a failure. Family and friends are supposed to be there when you're in a time of need and you definitely are. You also definitely deserve better than this treatment.

You need to get out of there and get a restraining order. Call the police department/sheriff's office to see if they can refer you to a local battered woman's shelter or at least point you to resources that can help you. There may be some additional resources online you may be able to find that may help.

By the way, I like how he's using the fact that "he's not perfect" as an excuse to do whatever, whenever, however it is he wants. That is not right at all...

You're not listening.

You are going to end up in the hospital or dead if you do not leave. Go. NOW!

When he is at work, go to the local police station. Take, at most, 2 bags of the things you don't want to lose/can't live without. File a report. Get a restraining order. Ask for the women's shelter.

I guarantee you that he will NOT be able to be near you if you have a restraining order and live in the women's shelter.

Honey, please---listen to me. We are NOT exaggerating. You are going to DIE if you do not leave.

I don't give a monkey's fart what HIS feelings are, or what HE is going through. You shouldn't either. NO ONE deserves this!

And honey--he's not going to listen to your logic on this. Sorry, but he's not. He doesn't care about logic, he cares about controlling you.

Just leave.

I know it may be hard not having family to support you. Im use to family because my familys houses surround me. Anyway I really am scared for you. This is what I would do...

• Go to the police station and file a report stay there a little while if it makes you feel safer
• pack only what is neccesary and get out of the hous immediatly
• Go to a house that belongs to anyone you can trust preferrably family

I know this is a lot but maybe I can ask one of my family members because she is in a bad relationship. But do you really think he still loves you? If your answer is maybe or yes close your eyes and think about this...
Now love should be the strongest emotion in your marriage. First you must realize what love is. Love is much more than doing nice things for someone, its charishing everything about them, flaws and all. You shouldn't be able to hurt someone you truly love and go to sleep at night. That person might really be fine and is living their life. Hurting you isn't bothering them. If he continues to do its not bothering him and it will get worse. This means no he does not love you as you should be loved. YOU DESERVEBETTER;)

Quote:

---

I thought he could never do any wrong

---

.
obviously not he could kill you. Get out if you value having a phisically and mentally healthy life.

Quote:

---

I told him only time would tell if things could be healed but he won't give things time and says if I love him I should be able to put things out of my head.

---

Sometimes you can't wait for time it might not EVER change. And the real question is dos he love you.

One thing I know, I've experienced abused. Yeah, he will tell you that he loved you, he messed up etc. but based on my experience, it will happen again and again. He does not love you, he is being selfish! He knows that he can do that to you and you will still love him etc. why would not he stay? You pay the bills etc. you can take care of him, you can give him what he wants (sex) etc.
Well, didn't you say earlier if you put your mind into something it can happen?? Then, you should be able to break free from your husband if you want to. Call your mom or dad or friends back there and tell them about your situation. I am sure they will help you and can support you. Quit jobs and change into another if you have to. You don't need to tell him where you change jobs etc. OR just go back to your family, take a personal leave for a few days. You can make friends from your workplace too right?? Also, praying to God helps and He will gives you a way out.

Btw, you said your husband threatened you before too right? He has treated you badly, you realized it, but now back to you... do u still want to be with him and work things out? If you do, think twice why would you want to be with him? What has he given you? Are you happy by staying with him? Is it more happiness or sadness when you're with him? Do you feel safe when you're around him? Can you trust him not to do that again? Be honest, don't fantasize he will change, just answer it honestly. He said he wanted a divorce, in my opinion sooner or later he will divorced you. I don't know when but when he's not satisfied with you, he'll say it again to hurt you or do stuff to you. Wow, that can lower yourself esteem you know. It's not healthy for you.

Wow... This is exactly why I picked my stuff up and left my ex without even saying goodbye. Out of FEAR. Didn't trust his reaction to situations.

Understand that he will never take responsibility for his own actions. In his eyes he did nothing wrong maybe just caught a little tantrum... yeah right... When your feelings are not taken into consideration it becomes a big traumendous problem. Leave. SERIOUSLY. If someone is truly in love with you, they will do almost anything to please you and not hurt you in any way.

It will hurt a lot. Heck I've even found myself chasing my ex to work things out but after a strict month of NC I now realize that cutting him off was for the best. I'm regaining myself esteem, hanging out with friends, and I realize that I deserve someone who will respect and appreciate me for who I am and not try to control me or what I do.

If you can't communicate with someone nothing will work.

Quote:

---

Understand that he will never take responsibility for his own actions. In his eyes he did nothing wrong maybe just caught a little tantrum...

---

Listen, she is right! He is like a four year old he thinks it was just a temper tantrum but these kind of "temper tantrums" can kill you.

Quote:

---

If someone is truly in love with you, they will do almost anything to please you and not hurt you in any way.

---

When you loved him, if you don't know did you hurt him. If you said no then why does he get to hurt you.

You asked if your marriage can survive domestic violence...

... my question to you is "Why would you want it to?????"

If a man hits you, that should be it. Period.

Your children are at risk. Your life is at risk. Your children's lives are at risk. WHY would you willingly choose that life?

You don't deserve to be abused. Ever.

Hey... I'm still getting your messages and I'm really really reading them and taking it all in. I can't help but still feel like I'm going a bit crazy and can't believe I'm actually in this situation.

So, I was talking to my mom today and she said that she doesn't want to hear another word about what's going on if I don't do anything about it. She said I was starting to rationalize why it would be best to stay... I can't believe it but she was right!

I really truly understand his frustrations because in his eyes... he hasn't really done that much wrong to me that can't be undone and doesn't understand why I can't just get over it. He's admitted he was wrong and promises to stop the behavior so I should forgive and forget right? According to him at least. We are in the middle of couples counseling and I tell him I wish I could make it all better but I can't and I don't know if I will be able to. I try to be honest and he just gets mad and says I'm not trying hard enough. Same old same old.

What do I benefit from staying with him?? Nothing that I can't get from friends and family really... Am I really happy, no or I wouldn't be questioning it right? I just need to trust my instincts and go with it. Stand up for what I feel and don't listen to him complain about how selfish I'm being and that I don't take marriage seriously and I'm giving up. No arguing back because it won't do any good and no point but that's when he gets the most upset... no reaction at all from me.

I went and looked at another house last night and really... it's perfect and he bascially said that I would qualify for it because all I have to do is make 2 1/2 times the rent a month gross and I do. The house is completely empty and just looked so big and lonely. So of course I'm dragging my feet on it. I just can't believe I'm going to have a foreclosure on my record after I've worked two jobs for so long to afford everything... feels like I did it for nothing!

I had a reality check on how much my life is affecting everyone around me when my manager last night at work said I needed to pull it together or take some time off because I can't keep calling in on my shifts.

I just don't know who to trust with what they are telling me you know. Everyone here has made total sense and is expressing exactly what I know I have to do. It's just getting the backbone to do it right?

I didn't tell you all the last time he choked me I went to the doctor because all the blood vessels in my eyes were broken (completely red with no white) and I had lost partial vision for a few minutes and hearing for a short time as well. My husband was actually the one who told me I was close to death most likely... and said it calm. But later he cried about what he had done and said how much it hurt him. He's been sleeping really badly having nightmares and talking in his sleep so it has to be affecting him. Well the doctor reported him to the cops and I had the opportunity to have him arrested but lied because I didn't think it would do him good to sit in jail... should have done it... sigh...

He has been really good the past couple of days but started to get irritated again. I just don't get it? If I was the one who wasn't working, and was hurtful and mean I would be kissing his butt not being pouty and demanding. Then again I wouldn't have behaved that way either so...

I'm going to submit the ap for the house tomorrow morning and see what happens. They said it takes a few days to find out and I guess I go from there right?

Any suggestions on how to break the news I'm leaving? How much of the furniture and things can I really take. I understand it's community property so half but I'm going to be taking pretty much all the debt so... I just don't see him stepping aside for me to actually move out though... it's going to be a mess! :(

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Any suggestions on how to break the news I'm leaving? How much of the furniture and things can I really take. I understand it's community property so half but I'm going to be taking pretty much all the debt so.... I just don't see him stepping aside for me to actually move out though...it's going to be a mess! :(

---

OMG, you don't break the news that you are leaving, you don't tell him where you are going, you don't have a conversation, you call the cops to escort you to your home to get your things and you leave, no forwarding address, no trail for him to follow. He is going to blow when he finds out, you don't have a conversation about it. File a restraining order.

Call the battered women's hotline, find a battered woman shelter in your area. YOU NEED SUPPORT. You will rationalize yourself right back into staying. GET OUT!

So everyone has made so much sense and it's all things I know deep down. Thank you so much!

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should have a conversation with my husband about ending things. He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever. So I decided to call him out on that and say he was right and that nothing is permanent but it needs to be done.

Then... my husband sent me a text that I got a letter from the DA. When I went to the doctor after the second incident she called the cops and reported it because I'd told her he did it. The sheriff took a statement and I said I wasn't pressing charges. Well, an investigator came to visit me and I told him he didn't attack me and that it was just horse play. I told him I stated otherwise to the doctor because I was mad at him and also was embarrassed. I eluded that the horseplay was sexually related.

The letter stated that the state was pressing charges. I thought everything was done with because it's been over 2 months! Now they are pressing charges of "assult with a deadly weapon, non-firearm" and "coporal crimes/spouse". I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all... just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" I wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

So now I have to deal with this... working two jobs... and trying to either rent or keep my house. I don't know why I am not completely falling apart right now... I think I'm in denial of everything going on and dealing with every day decisions like what to eat helps me get through the day...

Just when things can't get worse... they do!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all...just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" i wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

---

How will you feel when he finds his next victim to vent his frustrations on?

You are not helping him, by lying and protecting him. Your husband has a problem. You enabling is not going to help you seek ANY closure in this matter and this is just another way for him to manipulate you into staying involved in his life.

If your husband wasn't in the wrong there would not even be a possibility of prison looming over his head, this is NOT your battle, you didn't mess up. YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROBLEM (except him), the problem is his.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

So everyone has made so much sense and it's all things I know deep down. Thank you so much!

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should go ahead and have a conversation with my husband about ending things. He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever. So I decided to call him out on that and say he was right and that nothing is permenant but it needs to be done.

Then....my husband sent me a text that I got a letter from the DA. When I went to the doctor after the second incident she called the cops and reported it because I'd told her he did it. The sheriff took a statement and I said I wasn't pressing charges. Well, an investigator came to visit me and I told him he didn't attack me and that it was just horse play. I told him I stated otherwise to the doctor because I was mad at him and also was embarassed. I eluded that the horseplay was sexually related.

The letter stated that the state was pressing charges. I thought everything was done with because it's been over 2 months! Now they are pressing charges of "assult with a deadly weapon, non-firearm" and "coporal crimes/spouse". I don't think I want to be with him any more but I don't want him to go to prison either! I don't think it would help him at all...just make him worse. I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" i wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

So now I have to deal with this...working two jobs...and trying to either rent or keep my house. I don't know why I am not completely falling apart right now... I think I'm in denial of everything going on and dealing with every day decisions like what to eat helps me get through the day...

Just when things can't get worse...they do!

---

I believe that the doctor was legally obligated to report any crimes to the police so I can't fault them in doing so. Things might seem pretty bad to you right now, but this might be the sort of wake-up call/kick in the pants your husband needs. I can't say I'm in agreement with you lying (perjury) to protect your husband - the doctor obviously found that the physical evidence was enough to think otherwise and I think you should come clean. Don't put yourself in jeopardy by lying any further.

You need to stop protecting your husband. You are not responsible for him. You let him off way too easy when you didn't press charges. May I politely remind you that he nearly killed you. I know you still love him but that doesn't forgive what he did to you and now the law wants to make sure he's punished for his actions. As it looks like there is really no way out of this situation, hopefully the state will recognize that he needs psychological help and get him the help he needs.

Im sorry I found this one late. But my advice is going to be along the lines of what others have posted. GET OUT NOW!! NO man should ever treat you that way. The first time it happened you should have called the cops and got out of dodge. It sounds like your mom is willing to help which is great! Call your mom say mom I'm bringing the kids over were coming to stay for a few weeks till I can line up another place to stay.

As other members have said get him arrested! He almost killed you that is attempted murder and he admitted it! Don't let someone else become his victim.

Also calling the cops before you start packing would be a good idea, men like him are cowards and won't do anything in front of them, ensuring you and your children get out safely. Don't worry if you have to leave some stuff behind, it can be replaced, your lives cant!

Quote:

---

So I talked to my counselor on Thursday and she said I should have a conversation with my husband about ending things.

---

PLEASE get yourself a new counselor. Any counselor worth her/his salt - or the paper their degree was printed on - would advise you to get yourself out of this volatile situation PRONTO... no explanations, no "chats", no conversations, just OUT. Don't you realize that if you "have a conversation" with him about your intent to leave, he could seriously hurt you, or even, Heaven forbid, do worse and permanent damage??

Quote:

---

He had text me the night before saying that he was no good and that we could sit down on Friday and figure out how to get me out of our horrible financial situation and then he'd be out of my life forever.

---

I hope that you're not going to willfully choose to trust a man that hits women. Nothing he says can or should be trusted.

Quote:

---

I promised him I would stick to the fact it was just fooling around and hope for the best and that even though I'm not okay with "us" I wouldn't leave him alone in this and would be there for him.

---

Please don't lie for him. A person should never be asked to lie for someone else. Ever. ESPECIALLY in this situation.

Quote:

---

So now I have to deal with this.

---

Please get some help... you don't have to deal with this alone. Your Mother knows that you need to get out of this situation... let her help you. Please.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

PLEASE get yourself a new counselor. Any counselor worth her/his salt - or the paper their degree was printed on - would advise you to get yourself out of this volatile situation PRONTO... no explanations, no "chats", no conversations, just OUT. Dont' you realize that if you "have a conversation" with him about your intent to leave, he could seriously hurt you, or even, Heaven forbid, do worse and permanent damage????? .

---

Agreed - shocking advice. There was a terrible case which set precedent in NY some years ago. Woman wanted a divorce due to husband's temper and rage. Went to a counseller. She retained an Attorney. Attorney sent letter to husband because counsellor advised her not to just walk out. He got letter, she came home from work, he killed her. Left 5 children without a mother. He got life. Children also no longer had father. Horrible, horrible case. I don't know how the suit against the counsellor was settled.

I take the position if a woman says he's violent and she's afraid... believe her.

Get out now, however, whenever, do what it takes.

Okay, you need to listen to me, and you need to listen very carefully all right?

DO NOT protect him from going to jail! DO NOT lie for him! He NEEDS to go to jail, and you NEED to not contact him any further! You are doing him or yourself NO FAVOURS by not putting him where he belongs.

Do you know what is going to happen? He IS going to do this to you again. His words are just noise. Do you remember the story about the boy who called wolf? Well you are being the girl who called wolf, and sooner than later, the cops ARE NOT going to take you seriously anymore! They will see who called, and they will take their time to get there, because they know that you always want to drop the charges and lie for him. They aren't stupid! They KNOW you are lying! By that time you could be DEAD!

Why do I know this you may ask? I was YOU sweetheart... I WAS YOU! Do you want me to list the number of bones in my body that were broken? Or the number of hospital visits I made and lied about because I was threatened? Everything in your story was ME!. and I was there longer than you. It doesn't get BETTER! It gets much WORSE! Trust me, you could very likely end up dead. This is nothing to take lightly!

Cut off all contact, period! Find a new counsellor, because the one you have is BRAIN DEAD, and find someone that is qualified in handling abuse cases. Find a safe place to live and let the lawyers handle anything that involves contact. Do NOT tell him you're leaving, DO NOT tell him where you are going. Plan ahead, wait until he's out of the house, or bring the authorities with you and GO!

If you don't have a place yet, go to a battered woman's shelter in your area. You will be safe there. At the very least, go to a friend or family member and stay with them, but let the cops know that is where you are, and tell them the situation.

You need to get out PERIOD!

Leave him to cut a deal with the prosecuters on his own, and worry about what you have to do for your own life.

Time to be selfish, and protective of your own, and let everyone else take responsibility for their own actions.

I was involved in the same situation. My mother, bless her soul, lived through verbal and physical abuse to an extent that I really don't want to go into here. But I can tell you that she said that she 'stayed' because of 'us' kids... she kept forgiving him and saying that 'you have to understand the pressures he is going through.'

WHAT? For all those years! He had her scared to death!

I have to say that except for this (really big) flaw, we were a caring and wonderful woman, very smart woman whose capacity for loving was boundless... But clueless when it came to her own life.

When we were older and left home we all (all eight of us; her kids and his) begged her to leave and come live with one of us...

We told her that we would 'have it out with him or at least sit him down to straight talk" Her final argument was.. 'please don't, he will only take it out on me... ' She wouldn't leave and we couldn't intervene...

She said that 'he is better', 'he loves me in his own way', 'he doesn't really mean it'...

She put up with his CRAP and abuse for over 26 years! I don't understand, but I do know that she even would take the blame for things that we did as kids 'so daddy won't get mad!' I found this out much later...

Finally... he died, I did not go to his funeral and neither did most of his kids... we actually felt relieved...

Mom finally opened up and began to live her live, she traveled, she visited all of us in various parts of this country and 'came alive' for what I think was the first time... now, she was smiling much more...

I made a blood promise to myself that I would never spank, hit or abuse my kids or my wife... never and I would use 'him' as an example of how NOT to be...

My point is this LovesAnimals, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! Please leave now, get away from him, start the first day of your new life, cut the cord hon, IT WILL NOT EVER GET BETTER only worse... I really pray that you leave and are safe.

I'm sorry, but stop and think for a moment, some of this problem is the low respect that you have for yourself... you need to change that, you need to start building you own life...

Stringer

Please leave! My cousin almost lost her life due to domestic violence. Her boyfriend beat her for years and nobody in my family knew about it until he beat her with a bat and made her blind in one eye. Now she has to wear a patch on her right eye and to this day she stills has nightwares about the abuse.

So please don't defend him because a man that would hit, choke, threaten you, or cause any bodily harm to you isn't a man at all because a real man would walk away to cool his head befores it even gets to that point. Believe it or not you're the victim and need to protect yourself because what you had with this guy isn't love. You need to gather all the strength from within and stand strong. Talk to others women that walked in your shoes by joining a support group but put this guy in jail and I bet you he won't survive and guys in jail don't like to hear about guys like him.

Also, if you don't have nobody to stay with or a support system you can always go into a domestic violence shelter ana they would help you with everything you need to help you recover.

Do you know what happens to victims who drop charges against their abusers?

They are not taken seriously by police, family, or friends. That will leave you vulnerable to whatever he gets away with.

Protect yourself.

The domestic violence hotline number is 1-800-799-safe. They can made arrangements to pick you up from wherever your at. And help you by providing housing, counseling, support groups,etc

To me, a man who hits a woman or a child... isn't a man at all...

What's he is really saying to you? I can't compete with you intellectually so I have revert to violence and abuse..

Not a man at all... (period)

Quote:

---

and he choked me. He moved back.

---

This cannot be good. Both of you need to be away from one another as you both seem psychologically fused together. For whatever reason, yourself worth is so low, your judgement is clouded into thinking being choked is acceptable. His is obviously clouded, if he thinks it is OK to do that to someone. I am not trying to defend him in ANY way, but... Obviously he must be miserable to have to stoop to such a disgusting level. I can only imagine how ty he must feel about himself. Regardless if he does or does not, the bottom line is that you two are toxic for one another AT THIS POINT. For one to think a certain behavior is acceptable to DO, while the other thinks it is acceptable to DEAL WITH--there are serious underlying issues that need to be fixed. I hate to say the solution is to leave a marriage, but then again... I definitely do not advise living a life being disrespected in any way. He's crossed some major lines, and the fact that you even bothered to ask about advise shows it bothered you. Please walk away with your dignity, I promise you will love yourself for it later on. You deserve it... for yourself.

Hey... I'm back and still reading all your great comments. I was mistaken about what my counselor had suggested. She wanted me to tell him it was done but wanted someone... friend or cops... there because of the kind of reaction he might have. I didn't talk to him about all that though because of everything else going on.

The last person who wrote sounds exactly like my counselor. She says I have to unhealthly draw or need to my husband that doesn't allow me to leave. She says I'm actually hurting him by staying. She can see how much everything confuses me and how much I really do love him. The problem is that his constant want of things and his own way and treatment of me... changed who I was. I had resentment that built up slowly and I would just ignore it instead of addressing things... Now it's caused all this drama and nonsense to happen.

The really sad part is that I've always (in the past) been able to overlook all the bad and focus on the good and we move forward in our own demented way and now I just can't let go and do that. I know too much. I know our relationship is not healthy for either one of us right now and maybe never... I try to explain all this to him and he just doesn't get it. We need to have space and time to heal and fix ourselves so we can both be in healthy relationships whether with each other or not. I just put a stop to the cycle and things spiraled out of control!

I know what needs to be done and I think I'm in a better state of mind with our relationship or lack there of.

There is just too much going on for me to handle right now... I'm trying to work both jobs, figure out where to live (haven't paid on the mortgage and I'm approved for a place to rent). Now that he's getting the unemployment again and with both jobs I'm sure I can get the mortgage paid and hopefully caught up but should I even bother with everything else going on? My husband is facing prison time for the things he did to me.

My good sense tells me "what the hell are you doing women!" sticking by a man that almost killed you! He needs to have consequences to his actions or he's never going to learn or change... Unfortunately I think he's going to have some pretty big consequences...

So... this is where I'm at...

I know we can't be together for the good of me and the good of him but I'm not going to leave him alone in dealing with the charges. Even though I know his actions put him in this position I can't help feeling responsible for bringing them on because I told the doctor the truth! I told the truth! I'm not going to deny that he choked me but I am going to say it was horseplay and he doesn't deserve to go to prison for years. Maybe they will get him the help he needs.

He's got some fantasy that we are still going to be okay in the end even though I tell him I'm not okay with him or us to this day! I try to be as honest as I can...

Thanks for all the advise and believe it or not it's really helped me to sort through some things on the seriousness of everything. I do have escape plans in place and codes if something is wrong. I more fully understand what needs to be done but I have to do it in baby steps for me... I have come to the conclusion that I need to take ownership of things and make actions in my life to resolve the problems... One step at a time...

Thank you all