Am I really a bad boyfriend ?
Hi all, This is the first time I had ever, put down my thoughts on the internet , in hope of really seeking opinions from people around the world.
I want to thank all of you in advance, if you had spend time to read what I had written here. Thank You. :)
This is going to be a long story, so I would tried my best to keep the story short.
My Ex-girlfriend and I had been together for more than one and half years. Throughout the relationship, we were very happy. We would spend times together, with my family and with her family as well. I tried to do things with her family and really hope I can be in good terms with them.
For Me, I had always being single in my life till I met her. The reason being is I want to have a committed and long term relationship. That is why I don't get into a relationship so easily because I fear the breakup process. She is the first women I had put my whole heart to, and always without fail, make her the first priority in life. ( for whatever the reason if she needs me, I will definitely be there to meet her even if I had to thrown my studies or on hand task aside.
The relationship initially was very great. I can sense she loved me a lot, try to do things for me and even sometime when we had small or big arguments, she would spend the time and effort with me, sit down and compromise and change for each other. Suddenly it all changed, she is not putting me in her first priority anymore or should I say I am not that important to her anymore. She would rather spend time with others and her family but not me. And when she spend too much time on her studies and I felt neglected, if I would comment... or feedback to her even in a nice way, she would end up getting frustrated, and both of us will become depress and we cannot communicate anymore. And then after that she would need time to be alone to recover, which really kills me.
To keep things short, late last year after a big argument, she broke off with me, although she never directly told me about the breakoff but she avoided me for a very long time. So end up I called her, and ask about it , she say maybe is over. So I assume is over.
But after the breakoff, she contacted me like good friends and we started chatting. And we happen to talk about the relationship again and she say she actually had enough of me, she think I am not a person that can support her. And in one of the statement she say : "what if one day i end up supporting you?" etc. and she treats the break up as a break... and told me stuff like, maybe one day we can patch back. Which confuses me.
But still deep inside me, I cannot believe she can leave me just like that , because of a big agrument. I had never had any intention to leave her before, even when I am so tired about the argument, so tired about her being not always there for me when I needed her, even during big arguments, during time when she is seriously depress even when she had problems. I never in fact have a slightest mindset of leaving her for the better.
But, deep in my heart I still love her, so I tried to change myself, I don't demand anything from her, even she is to do her work or studies till having no time for me, I also won't complain. So somehow, I changed and we manage to patch back again.
After we had patched back, things changed, I didn't demand much, but one day we went into a small agrument again. I though is something small, but to her she needs some recovery time before she can be back to normal with me. I felt so tired of this recovery time.
Somehow, after the recovery time, one day she called me and both of us met-up. I though everything is going to be okay, but when she saw me, she gave me a very irritated look and told me she is very frustrated. She is so frustrated about friends whom ask her about me, very frustrated about everything. I try to pamper her with words and try to change to a lighter topic, but she just keep saying she is very frustrated and wouldn't want to get near to me. I cannot hold her hands etc. I feel damm lousy and damm sad that, the love you love find you frustrating and is like so fearful of you.
So I though of it and eventually, told her that I know what she meant, I say to her that.. I really love her but I cannot bear to see her feeling so sad and frustrated with me. I love her, I really want her to be happy, but I cannt make her happy anymore , I really did all my best to salvage the relationship with her. I change , I really never demand much from her already, but to her, her tolerance level of me is no longer there anymore. No matter what I say to her or say if I want a dinnner with her, if she cannot, and I feel upset, she will become very frustrated with me. Everything I say is like a thorn to her.
I feel so sad, but I had no choice but to let her go. I really cannot bear it. But what's the point if she is not happy.
So end up, I told her what she wanted to hear, the break off. And I apologise to her for wanting to try the relationship again with me for the 2nd time. And in order for her to have someone to talk to, which she told me she need it, I called one of her family member over to our conversation, to tell her what had happen. So that her family member can comfort her at least when I am away.
I feel very embarrassed, during the conversation because I cried in the process, but at least I know this is the last thing I can do for her as she told me she need my help to convey this issue to someone in her family.
Is being almost around 1 month + since the 2nd break off. I admit that I still had feelings for her, But I know she don't anymore. She seems to move on very well. Meeting with friends, new people. Being more independent now.
Recently I met her again, she invited me to a meal, as a form of treat to my birthday. After I had met her, I had mixed feelings again.
Maybe I am just very immature, I am always thinking about what is wrong, what did I do wrong, why, why is it wrong to put her as the first priority, why she suddenly change so much. Why or how could she suddenly lose her feeling for me so fast.
~sigh... is there really such a thing of loving a person too much till you force her away? Is it really wrong? Is there really a committed relationship in this world? Or people will just tend to leave for better people.
Anyway so sorry guys for such a long whinny message. So boring right? Haha.sorry
Thanks to anyone that spend time to read my boring story... hope you guys have a nice day.
