Well, I am one of those. I am broke up with my my true love, my soul mate, my life partner, and decided to look for help everywhere. I committed all of the usual mistakes: calling often, arguing with the ex, begging to get back together, etc... You name it, I've done it. I am still in the recovery stage and have been feeling depressed for the last 2-3 weeks.

Here is what happened between the two of us. We have been dating for 1.5 years and everything started great. We had our fights here and there but nothing too serious. As the time past we started arguing more and more. She also started thinking about the future. I was committed and wanted a long term relationship. She wanted the same but had doubts in her mind. We are both in college and one day she tells me that she wants to go out and experience. She was looking for space and have some time to explore. She told me that she did not want to be with me while she had these thoughts and did not want to hurt me by staying with me for longer. She couldn't get herself to break up with me, so I decided to do it for her because I understood that she needed to do this. The break up was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I want her to be happy even if it is with another person. She started dating right after we broke up and it has not made it easier on me. We also live right next to each other on the same dorm floor one room away from each other. I went on dates too but couldn't get myself to stop thinking about her. I've been keeping myself occupied but all day long I think of her only.

She was very similar to myself but she still was able to teach me much. We grew together as one and as individuals. Towards the end we were together so often that I started to feel suffocated. I wanted space at the time and now that I have it I do not want it anymore. We both want to remain best friends and continue talking with each other. I have read several article on this site and many of them stated that it is very unlikely that we will get back together. She still loves me and I her.



Well that is my story and I hope I haven't bored too many of you. Thanks for listening.

Welcome to the forum, A4Effort!

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She still loves me and I her.

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That's only partly true, as the love has changed, and she no longer wants what you want.

Staying in contact with her, and her being that close, will only stop you from healing, and dealing with the reality of this break up.

Its not easy, but its important that you back away, and regroup, and rebuild a life of your own, without her in it. This will allow you to heal, and make better decisions for yourself, in the future, based on facts and not just intense feelings.

So, how do I maintain a friendship with her while rebuilding myself?

Also, I am afraid that I will not find someone like her because we had so many things in common. She is the one who I thought I would marry after college.

I do not want to loose her in my life.

You're putting too much effort into trying to keep a relationship with her, whether it be as boyfriend/girlfriend or as friends. Right now, you cannot be friends. You can't sit back and watch her with other guys because it's only going to hurt you. You can't hear about it. And by being around her right now, it's inevitable that you will see and hear about them. And you can't build a life on your own if she is still around.

I agree that you need to back away. Is it possible to move to another dorm? Or even another room where you are less likely to run into her so often?

I wouldn't worry too much about dating right now either. You should date someone because they strike your interest, and if your thoughts are on your ex while you're on a date, then the person obviously doesn't strike your interest.

You should also find some activities to fill in your time. A study group, and exercise program, a part-time job, anything to fill in the time so you're not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

It's going to take time to move on, so don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Thanks. Yeah I've been keeping busy allright. I have 3 jobs and various clubs/activities and homework on top of all that. You are right that I cannot be friends with her right now and that I need to focus on myself.

Its very hard when we share much such as the same friends, and the same living arrangement.

It is just so hard to completely let her go. She was my first true love, I lost my virginity to her, and learned so much from her.

And it's okay to feel that way. You SHOULD feel that way, at least for a while! After all, you did love her. I can almost guarantee for you though that the next girl who enters your life will be just as special, though possibly in different ways.

It is going to be hard for sure, but the fact that you have sooo much good things going for you... well, honestly, that gives you a HUGE leg up on most of the people who come on here with a similar story.

Sadly this stuff happens, but you sound like a good guy with a good head on your shoulders. Friendship with her is not realistic right now... it is time for you to be selfish, and concentrate on bettering yourself. Enjoy the college years man! They don't last forever...

The pain is perhaps unbearable now, but you will get over it. Life is full of changes, and experiences like this, that forever change the way you do things. Now you know what love is, and now you can truly find happiness...

Welcome to AMHD!

Thank you all. This is a very inviting and comforting place.

Yes, I am very glad that I have things going for me. At the time we broke up I started thinking that I wasn't good enough and needed to change. It was a stupid thought. I will do my best to keep the distance between the two of us while I rebuild.


When can I start becoming friends with her. I know it will take time.

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

When can I start becoming friends with her. I know it will take time.

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To be honest... once you truly get over this, you won't even ask this question, as it won't matter... you will know the answer to this once you no longer care about the answer to this... confusing, but just think about it.

One of my good friend/mentor told me how she went through the same thing as I did when she used to go to college. She ended up marrying him and they have been having 18+ years of nothing but joy.

This is something I wish could happen to us.

Finding another person who is like her will be very difficult. She had everything I was looking for and than some. There is not one quality that I did not like about her. She was beautiful, smart, social, creative, active, she loved art, she accepted me for who I was as a person and never asked me to change, she helped me grow and become a better person, and finally, she showed me what true love is.

It's not time yet to think about finding someone else, and it will never be time to find someone else like her. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but if you were so perfect for each other, you would still be together. You even said that you were also feeling smothered. There are many women out there who will share your interests and love you for who you are. All you can do now is appreciate what you got out of the relationship and take the lessons you've learned with her into your next relationship to make it stronger and better. You're still focusing on life with her, and while it's going to be hard to let it go, you will slowly find ways to move on and make your life your own.

First, welcome to AMHD, great site, great people. :)

Second, sweetie, love hurts, breakups hurt, moving on isn't easy, but necessary.

We've all been there or will be one day, we remember the pain, the heartache, the feelings of despair, but trust me, this will end.

You need to stop thinking of her, move on with your life (easier said then done), stick to No contact and find happiness without her.

This isn't an easy road, lots of bumps, hurdles and set backs, but you'll be amazed how each day it will be a bit easier. Before you know it you'll be over this, and that's when you can move on, find someone else, and you will find someone else, I guarantee it.

The members here are great. Tal and Kc, Romefalls and others, well, they give great advice on breakups and how to handle them.

Whenever you feel the need to talk, come here, we'll all walk you through it, you don't have to travel the road alone.

Good luck.

Thank you for the support. This is just what I need. Being able to let all my troubles with the relationship off my chest helps a tremendous amount.

So yesterday she had a date and I had a lot of trouble with not knowing what she was doing, when she was coming home, and with whom she was. I tried to occupy myself with anything but it didn't work too well. I called over a friend and together we watched a movie. Later that night when she came home I decided to talk to her about having no contact with each other for a while. I told her how I needed to heal and I couldn't do it while she was around because she would always remind me of what I used to have. Also I would always know when she goes on dates. I explained to her how I needed about 3 weeks or more to fix myself again and that after my healing time I could start being her friend. I told her that I still loved her and that I want to be there for her but I just need some time to adjust. I told her that I want to get back together with her but I will not beg her nor will I be waiting for her. It will be very difficult because we have 3 classes together, participate in ballroom dancing together, and have the same friends. She became somewhat irritated and started to cry. She left the room afterwards. I wanted to follow her and comfort her but I didn't. The next morning (today) I talked to her briefly about the previous night and made sure that she understood my situation. She did understand the situation but was very sad that I could not be her emotional support anymore. I told her that I cannot be there for her emotionally while she is dating others because she would have the best of both worlds.

Well, its hasn't even been a day yet and I feel horrible about my decision. I hope that with time it will get better and I will either be able to move on or become friends with her. I really hope that we do get back together and have again what we used to have.

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

So yesterday she had a date and I had a lot of trouble with not knowing what she was doing, when she was coming home, and with whom she was. I tried to occupy myself with anything but it didn't work too well. I called over a friend and together we watched a movie. Later that night when she came home I decided to talk to her about having no contact with each other for a while. I told her how I needed to heal and I couldn't do it while she was around because she would always remind me of what I used to have. Also I would always know when she goes on dates. I explained to her how I needed about 3 weeks or more to fix myself again and that after my healing time I could start being her friend. I told her that I still loved her and that I want to be there for her but I just need some time to adjust. I told her that I want to get back together with her but I will not beg her nor will I be waiting for her. It will be very difficult because we have 3 classes together, participate in ballroom dancing together, and have the same friends. She became somewhat irritated and started to cry. She left the room afterwards. I wanted to follow her and comfort her but I didn't. The next morning (today) I talked to her briefly about the previous night and made sure that she understood my situation. She did understand the situation but was very sad that I could not be her emotional support anymore. I told her that I cannot be there for her emotionally while she is dating others because she would have the best of both worlds.

Well, its hasn't even been a day yet and I feel horrible about my decision. I hope that with time it will get better and I will either be able to move on or become friends with her. I really hope that we do get back together and have again what we used to have.

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You made an excellent decision, and try your best to stick by it. Don't even think about breaking no contact until you've shaken the desire to hope for a reconciliation. It's okay to flirt with the idea, but only if you can swat it away by realizing its unlikelihood.

I hate how there is no hope of getting back together even if we still love each other. :(

There is a difference between hope and probability.. one is driven by emotion, the other by the brain.

It isn't probable that you two will get back together, yet you HOPE you will. You need to control the "hope" factor in order to heal...

Threads merged


Well, I finally was able to let my ex know a few days ago that I wanted to have no contact with her in order to start my healing process. She somewhat understood but still was very hurt by it. After only one day of no contact, she came into my room and cried her eyes out. I did not support her while she cried because that is why I decided not to have any contact with her in the first place. She broke up with me so that she could see what else there is out there and see if I was the one for her. She still loves me and wants to be with me. But I told her how I cannot be her emotional support while she dates other guys and heal myself at the same time.

So than she brought up this promise I made her before I instilled the no contact rule about how we would go celebrate a recent accomplishment of mine. So, I decided to honor my promise and we hung out the next day. It felt just like what we used to have and we even had sex. Before we went out to dinner I clearly let her know that the next day I was going back to the no contact rule until she has made up her mind about what she wants. She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

The NC rule obviously helped.. she came crying back to you in one day. If she doesn't want to be with you that is out of your control. My girlfriend is currently wanting space and wants to 'find herself'. This sucks. You need to focus on other things as hard as it is and know that you have a long life ahead of you and if she isn't the one someone else will be. I was told this so many times in the past month and I'm starting to believe it. You may not be able to date other girls for months or even a year or more, but one day if this doesn't work out you will be back out there with someone who does know you are what they want. Screw them letting us just sit here and wonder what they are doing and if they are eventually going to come back. Live your life as a single person, not necessarily hooking up with other girls but do whatever you want and talk to whoever you want. If you are what she wants and she loves you enough she will come back. I feel the NC is hurting my chances as well but I hear from friends all of the time she wonders who I'm talking to and if I'm hooking up with girls. She definitely loves you and if it's right she'll realize that you are the one she needs.

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She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

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So, she wants to eat her cake and have it to? NEVER be anyone's Plan B! She's being extremely immature and selfish here...

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We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

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The positive effects of No Contact don't happen overnight. You need to give it time to work. Trust in the experience of those who have gone through this before - you'll be glad you did.

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

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Uh... well... with just a few billion people in the world it might take a little time for her to be "super sure" she can't find better than you.

*that really isn't a compliment, you know... "my ultimate goal is to be with you long term IF i can't do any better"... really? Really really? *

That's like saying my ultimate goal is to work in this job unless I find something better... or my long term dream is to poop strawberries unless I can't. At best, its not good. Well the strawberry trick might make you some coin, but ick.

NC is about fixing a relationship that is fundamentally broken... problem is, you don't know what "fixing it" means. You think it means she becomes distressed at the thought of losing you and *poof* suddenly all is well. Doesn't necessarily work like that.

She is NOT with you. She might cry to you. Tell you she misses you. Can't be without you. But ultimately she has asked you to step aside while she looks around.

You don't prevent her from leaving you by hanging around. You don't fix anything by keeping her close by.

You are scared she's going to use this time to move on... well, that's possible. When someone calls for a break, its absolutely possible.

Right now you are in denial about what you need to do for yourself. Not for her. Not for the relationship. For yourself, you need to live in the place where she has placed you... outside. And anything you do to supposedly ease the pain by being in contact with her is smoke and mirrors.

NC is about fixing a broken relationship. The one you have with yourself. Right now the desire to keep her close is more important that knowing reality... can she be without you and be OK...

Its something she's willing to see, and you aren't facing by being there.

You are being totally disrespected!

I love you and then there's this big BUT I think I can do better.

If she finds that she can't do better than you're the guy for her?

That is ,until the next time she feels the whim to look for something better.

She sounds like a spoiled child who wants to upgrade and you are being a doormat ,allowing it to happen.

Tell her to go find that *something* she is looking for and allow you to move on because you deserve an upgrade as well.

Yes, I always did feel like I was not good enough for her towards the end. You are all right.

Even if she did decide to come back to you how long till she found something better again?? You can't keep living your life with someone having doubts about whether their going to stay or not.

She sounds totally selfish to me and if she really loved you she wouldn't even be considering this for fear of losing you.

It is SOOO very hard to have NC when all you want is to be with them the way you were. But guess what? Things aren't the way they were. She actually is saying that there's probably better fish out there. So let her swim away. Don't be Plan B as the others have said, because that's what you are to her. For some reason, she doesn't want to be alone, so it makes her feel, oh, so safe and comfortable to know that good 'ole you will be around when she's had enough fishing. She is not in control of your relationship. OR is she? Don't let her have that. Before she takes away all of your self-respect, follow through with the NC. I believe there is someone else better out there for YOU! Best wishes

Eh HELLO?!

This is NOT NC, NC stands for No Contact. That means you don't see her.

Try it properly, it doesn't feel good, none of a break up does! But it does work... OVER TIME.

If not, just go back to being her lapdog, not healing, and waiting for the day she moves on and 'cant understand' why your so p*issed and upset? If you don't go NC, you will be crushed when you realise you were the crutch she leaned on to get her life back in order.


'I'll be with you when I know there's no one else out there'.. WHAT AN F'N B*TCH!!! I would have hit the roof... or crumbled into a ball on the floor, whichever came first! Instead you 'ended things on a good note'???? Dude! You are letting her make a complete a** out of you!

Warning-rated H for harsh and to the point!!

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A4Effort;1570212,

Well, I finally was able to let my ex know a few days ago that I wanted to have no contact with her in order to start my healing process. She somewhat understood but still was very hurt by it. After only one day of no contact, she came into my room and cried her eyes out. I did not support her while she cried because that is why I decided not to have any contact with her in the first place.

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So why did you let her contact you? Polite, but busy and unavailable would have saved you a lot of drama and being MANIPULATED. Especially since you told her you wanted NC. She blew that out of the water with her water works. Boohooing is the oldest female trick in the book!

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She broke up with me so that she could see what else there is out there and see if I was the one for her. She still loves me and wants to be with me. But I told her how I cannot be her emotional support while she dates other guys and heal myself at the same time.

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No she didn't, that's what she tells you to keep your nose opens. Just think, what if she does find someone else? If she doesn't it won't be for a lack of effort on her part, but where does that leave you now that your twiddling your thumbs waiting on her to take you back? Sound dumb to you? Please say yes with no "but" to follow.

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So than she brought up this promise I made her before I instilled the no contact rule about how we would go celebrate a recent accomplishment of mine. So, I decided to honor my promise and we hung out the next day. It felt just like what we used to have and we even had sex.

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But at the end of the day, she went back to looking for Mr Goodbar, even with the sex? Got one word for you,
MANIPULATED
USED
DISRESPECTED
PUNKED OUT
KICKED TO THE CURB... AGAIN!
Okay, I lost count of the words. The bad part is guy, there are a lot more words that apply here, but you can't see any of them. That should be a clue as to what's going on as you have clearly traded your dignity and self respect, for... P***y! And it whupped you again!

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Before we went out to dinner I clearly let her knwo that the next day I was going back to the no contact rule until she has made up her mind about what she wants. She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

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In other words your plan will be ignored, and hers is still fully active, hope you enjoyed the sex.

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We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today.

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Yes you do, you just can't admitt it to yourself, but she is still checking out others and will probably contact you again for some nookie just to keep your nose open and your common sense stuck in your little head, which she owns, and controls.

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I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me

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You haven't even tried NC.

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Just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.
What do I do?

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Try NC for real, and stop BSing yourself. At least long enough to get some dignity and self respect back!!!

Well, I can't say that you are wrong. Damn, I feel like a fool again.

So, basically I should not even consider dating her again if she does come back to me. I love her a great deal but everyone is right how she is manipulating me and treating me like crap.

ARE YOU F'N KIDDING???

I wouldn't be able to look at this girl, never mind speak to her!!


Go out with her??


I wouldn't touch her with his?!

How could you possibly think that maybe, kind of, might be a good idea?

It's not.

Stop the pain, and regain a little dignity for god's sake man.


This may seem a little harsh, but you need to do this, and you need to do it now.

1. Do the NC. In two days re-read all of this advice.

2. Continue with NC. Every other day re-read all of this advice.

3. Repeat above steps.

Then when you do take her back and this happens AGAIN, you won't need to re-post your question.

Seriously, I know it's hard. You're not the first. You won't be the last. Learn from this.

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So, basically I should not even consider dating her again if she does come back to me. I love her a great deal but everyone is right how she is manipulating me and treating me like crap.

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If she did this to you once,she will do it again.
This is not love, she has no love for you.
If this is how she shows love,she is lacking as a human being.

She is spoiled and selfish and lacks any moral fiber... why would you want to be with someone like that?

Do yourself a favor and find someone who is worthy of your devotion and kindness,she will only use it against you!

Well, I am completely done with her. Yes, I did break the No contact rule but this time it was for good. I talked to her about us one last time and it clearly showed me everything.

She told me how she did not want to be with me at this point because she needed space. She needed this space because during the latter part of our relationship we started having problems in many areas. She told me that she wants to be with me, be committed to me, and eventually marry me. But for now she needs to be single. I understand how she needs space and be apart for me because of what happened between us. But, what I told her is I do not understand how she needs to date other guys while she is single. I told her that if she continues dating other guys that eventually she will completely loose me. She said that I was threatening her and manipulating her. I responded by telling her that what I said was a universal truth and would happen to anyone.

F**K it!! I am over her for good. If she truly loved me than she would not go out on dates. Instead she would take her time/space to be alone and think things through.

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F**K it!! I am over her for good.

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Good ,anger is good ,believe it or not, it is the beginning of one of the many emotions you will experience during the grieving process.

Now you can begin to heal... give yourself time,you have only taken the first step.

Thank you artlady for your help and support. I love your quote. That is my favorite Gandhi quote.

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Originally Posted by artlady

Good ,anger is good ,believe it or not, it is the beginning of one of the many emotions you will experience during the grieving process.

Now you can begin to heal....give yourself time,you have only taken the first step.

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*REPEAT POST*

If you read a lot of the literature on various websites etc. they generally come up with 5 stages that go like this...

The Five Stages of a Break Up

Denial:
"I feel fine, we still love each other." “She is still my best friend.” “We will always be in each others' lives.”

Anger:
"It's not fair!?" "I was always there for her and she was never there for me!" “That !” “That !” “She sucked in bed!” “ I couldn’t stand her friends anyway.”

Bargaining:
"If we just go to therapy it will get better." "I promise to visit your parents this Christmas.” “Just give it another chance.”

Depression:
"I can’t stop crying." "I want to die.” “I will never date again.””I’m going to die alone…” “I’m unlovable.”


Acceptance:
"We are better off, not together." ”I am content and happy with myself.” "I welcome a new start."

A4... look, I wish I could say I'm glad you are finally in the right frame of mind, but I'm not. At least not completely. Its not like all is better and happy times are here again.

Its going to suck. Being pi$$ed helps. A lot. The more I was emotionally "kicked in the teeth", the easier it was to fight back when I was mad.

She's not the devil. I think she's conflicted and confused... but I also think she has her best interests in mind, not yours.

You are not over her.

That crap takes time to shake. Some days are good. Some nights suck like hell. Its just the truth.

So... glad you're getting a little pi$$ed. You should be and you need to be.

I'm not one to prescribe playing mind games. I think its dangerous. But IF she ever comes back, you need to be in a power position... where you feel like its your choice, not hers. That she needs to be with you and she's willing to risk a lot for that.

She has a lot to prove to you.

You don't have anything to prove to her.

Please remember that.

Yes, you are just mad now, it will turn to missing again before it is all over, and if you "break the rule just one more time" it just makes it worst again.

No contact works, but it will be a couple months before you are ready to say you are over and still won't be completely

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Originally Posted by kp2171

she has a lot to prove to you.

you dont have anything to prove to her.

please remember that.

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This statement really hit home and I never thought about it this way.

I just wish this would process would go a little bit faster because it is affecting my life in ways it shouldn't. It is affecting my school work and my social life. I wish I did not live two rooms down from her because I can see her anytime even if I am doing my best to keep no contact with her.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

yes, you are just mad now, it will turn to missing again before it is all over, and if you "break the rule just one more time" it just makes it worst again.

No contact works, but it will be a couple months before you are ready to say you are over and still won't be completely

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Very true! After two full months of NC I thought I was "over her" and then along comes an email from her to say Hi and see how I was doing and I feel I took a step back by replying. Now I miss her again and even felt like calling her tonight. But I didn't break NC dammit!!

I guess we just have to go back to NC and keep moving forward, little by little it gets easier but it is EXTREMELY important that you do not know ANYTHING about her. This is key to not thinking about her and getting hurt with new info which you don't really need to know.

Good luck