So me and the girlfriend have been together for a long time now, and we went through a break for the past month pretty much. Her saying I see a future with you, I love you but I just can't be in a relationship ri now. I told her I couldn't be in this middle situation so I broke it off completely to give myself a peaceful mind about not being stuck in a middle situation. I do love her, I won't lie. So we hung out the other day and ended up making out and deciding to get back together. 2 days ago however; she had an emotional breakdown and started telling me she is still not able to love me fully, doubts herself, and wants to be a proper girlfriend to me so bad but just can't help it.

Background info: her ex was her first love. He broke her heart and he was the biggest mistake of her life because she put everything into that relationship. She hates him now but still snt over some of the good memories they've had. We statred dating about 2 months after their breakup and according to her I've been the best everything she could ever ask for, but still has that issue of the past affecting our relationship.


Today, we hung out and she kept hesitated when we were kissing or if anything physical is involved, its evident she needs her space

But what do I do? is her being like this justifiable because of everything that's happened

You were a rebound, plain and simple... as long as you are in her life, I doubt she will get over this. She needs a lot more time to figure out who she is before jumping into a relationship. If I were you, I would leave her alone... NEVER date someone who still has clear issues over their ex.

The emotional baggage my first love (6 years, HS, college... ) left me couldve broken a elephants back. The mistakes you sometimes make with that first big love can be absolutely haunting. I was an idiot for over a year... hurt a good girl in the process (didnt think it was rebound, but wasn't ready to be with someone, even though I wanted it)

And then eventually I moved on. Probably worked out some of the kinks in the next relationship. Had a few more big loves lost, but somehow it became easier along the way to know what to hold onto and what to let wash away. Step in crap enough time and you get better at cleaning it off, or even better, avoiding that mistake completely.

You can absolutely love someone you aren't ready for or who isn't ready for you. There's a wonderful girl down in san antonio, chasing cowboys. The only thing that got between us was bad timing. She wasn't over her ex, I wanted too much too fast... and even when I backed off after the "i can't be in a relationship right now" speech (sound familiar?) she wasn't able to shake the issue.

So... she isn't with you. You have no business kissing her unless you are willing to ride an emotional roller coaster. She's told you this much.

Is it justifiable? Hell, yes! Is it good for you? No and yes. no... its no fun to face the truth... you are with a girl who cares for you, but isn't ready to date, and when she is ready she might not choose to date you. Yes... because you know reality, even if you are trying to ignore it.

Again... you can care for and/or be loved by someone who can't be with you. Been there, done that. No fun.

Id really suggest you tell her, kindly, that you need to break off contact. You care for her, but you need to care for yourself first. The best relationships aren't where one person bends to the needs of another... its when both people have enough overlap being exactly who they want to be...

You might think the world of her, and your instinct is to not lose contact, to be present, but it just means you are both relying on each other for short term pain relief. In my experience, if you keep this up, you will both likely wind up more frustrated, with more barriers between you.

Time to step back and accept what she has said. She isn't with you... no matter the history, the feelings, the desire.

That doesn't make her a bad person... but maybe a bad fit, at least for the moment. Time to live in the moment, where you are single, and needing to move on.

You don't want her to be present because its comforting to be with you. You want her to be with you because she needs to be with you AND she's better resolved whatever issues she has about her past. Until those issues are addressed, its all just smoke and mirrors.

Give her the space she needs. She's not ready to be in a relationship with you but when she is she will find you. I suggest getting a hobby to keep you busy or seeing other people. There is NOTHING you can do to help her situation. NOTHING. So just give her the space she needs before you really let yourself get hurt.

Story of my life dude.

I've yet to find a girl I'm into who hasn't come from a bad relationship, and the ones who are sane I'm not attracted to, it sucks that it works that way. I've also known a handful of girls who actually do take a long time to recover, the rest just jump right back into a relationship with someone who looks or acts just like their ex.

Do what she asked, give her space, leave her alone. The last the thing you want to do is leave a bad taste in her mouth. She'll remember what a stand-up guy you were.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

the emotional baggage my first love (6 years, HS, college...) left me couldve broken a elephants back. the mistakes you sometimes make with that first big love can be absolutely haunting. i was an idiot for over a year... hurt a good girl in the process (didnt think it was rebound, but wasnt ready to be with someone, even though i wanted it)

and then eventually i moved on. probably worked out some of the kinks in the next relationship. had a few more big loves lost, but somehow it became easier along the way to know what to hold onto and what to let wash away. step in crap enough time and you get better at cleaning it off, or even better, avoiding that mistake completely.

you can absolutely love someone you arent ready for or who isnt ready for you. theres a wonderful girl down in san antonio, chasing cowboys. the only thing that got between us was bad timing. she wasnt over her ex, i wanted too much too fast... and even when i backed off after the "i can't be in a relationship right now" speech (sound familiar?) she wasnt able to shake the issue.

so... she isnt with you. you have no business kissing her unless you are willing to ride an emotional roller coaster. shes told you this much.

is it justifiable? hell, yes! is it good for you? no and yes. no... its no fun to face the truth... you are with a girl who cares for you, but isnt ready to date, and when she is ready she might not choose to date you. yes... because you know reality, even if you are trying to ignore it.

again... you can care for and/or be loved by someone who can't be with you. been there, done that. no fun.

id really suggest you tell her, kindly, that you need to break off contact. you care for her, but you need to care for yourself first. the best relationships arent where one person bends to the needs of another... its when both people have enough overlap being exactly who they want to be...

you might think the world of her, and your instinct is to not lose contact, to be present, but it just means you are both relying on each other for short term pain relief. in my experience, if you keep this up, you will both likely wind up more frustrated, with more barriers between you.

time to step back and accept what she has said. she isnt with you... no matter the history, the feelings, the desire.

that doesnt make her a bad person... but maybe a bad fit, at least for the moment. time to live in the moment, where you are single, and needing to move on.

you dont want her to be present because its comforting to be with you. you want her to be with you because she needs to be with you AND shes better resolved whatever issues she has about her past. until those issues are addressed, its all just smoke and mirrors.

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I loved your adivce, and pretty much wnt along with it.
Its been 2 days now since I told her we shouldn't talk, she got very emotional, but I guess this is for the best. One thing that bothers me was how upset she was, because she does want us to talk and hang out. Hmm this sucks lol

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Story of my life dude.

I've yet to find a girl I'm into who hasn't come from a bad relationship, and the ones who are sane I'm not attracted to, it sucks that it works that way. I've also known a handful of girls who actually do take a long time to recover, the rest just jump right back into a relationship with someone who looks or acts just like their ex.

Do what she asked, give her space, leave her alone. The last the thing you want to do is leave a bad taste in her mouth. She'll remember what a stand-up guy you were.

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Wouldn't me just leaving/ no contact leave a bad taste in her mouth too

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Originally Posted by buylill

wouldnt me just leaving/ no contact leave a bad taste in her mouth too

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Not trying to be a jerk, but why are you most worried about her response?

I thought you wanted what was best for you?

Yes... you might want her to be with you, but you don't get to choose that.

She has told you she cannot love you completely.

Period.

OK...

So if you stay you accept this. You don't get to whine about it. No complaining. You choose to be with a person who cannot be with you completely. You choose it.

Now... I know the other option sucks. Stepping back is completely against your intuition and wants. But she broke this off. So now you need to understand reality.

You can do NC and be kind about it... you don't have to burn bridges or slam doors. You can tell her that you like her large, perhaps too much, and you need to step back. If she decides she's ready for you, knowing who you are and what you want, fine. But you aren't going to wait around and you aren't going to support her in your breakup.

At least I hope that's true, for your sake.

I totally understand how this girl feels. It's a reflection of my feelings. If you love her, don't give up. I was also hurt by my first love & he was my first also. It hurt really bad that our relationship fails after I put my all into it. I hate to fail at anything… She was hurt in the past and don't want to get hurt again.Not that you will hurt her, it a trust issue. Remain friends!

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Originally Posted by QueenElizabeth1

Remain friends!

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And have your soul torn apart day after day. Ick to that.

So to keep things short, the ex was having personal problems and issues of not being over her past yet. Pretty much a bad timing right person sort of deal. We tried being friends, but I couldn't handle that, so I broke off all contact kindly even though she still wanted to be friends. Then a few days ago I deleted her off Facebook and msn because id just get tempted to talk or see what she's up to on fb. Today she messaged me with this:

"you seriously deleted me off facebook and msn. but add dasol on msn. i didnt think this was going to immature. im sorry you have to cut all ties to me. and i hope your doing great in school. and i hope your happy.
bye bilal"

And I replied with

"i added dasol on msn a long time ago =/ (not important)
..and this is the best way kiran, for both you and me.
i meant whatever ive said in my emails upto now =) (we used to write each other emails about feelings and thoughts)
dont have any negative feelings for me, thts going to kill me
i like to think of that 2 min convo at mac outside your class last time as a way to end things off in a good manner."


Bt yeah I really did care for her, I went crazy trying to to be here for her because I truly do still love her. But there's a lot of things she done to hurt me too, should i just tell her that shes hurt me , is it a good idea? im SO TEMPTED.lol . Man if only she just didn't message me at all I wouldn't have even looked back

No.. It would only hurt worse and make you vulnerable. Go against your instincts. Stay with the no contact and heal.

Just tell her you need to do this so you can heal as you still have feelings for her.

Then once you've healed you can tell her you'll reinstate the status.

Thing is once you've healed you may not even want to.

Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by friend4u178

Just tell her you need to do this so you can heal as you still have feelings for her.

Then once you've healed you can tell her you'll reinstate the status.

Thing is once you've healed you may not even want to.

Good Luck!

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I could tell her the first part of your quote yes, but why not just let it all out and say she's pushed me really far to the point I felt like a rebound, relly did hurt me, etc.

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Originally Posted by Triplell

No..It would only hurt worse and make you vulnerable. Go against your instincts. Stay with the no contact and heal.

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hmm can someone back this statement?

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Originally Posted by Triplell

No..It would only hurt worse and make you vulnerable. Go against your instincts. Stay with the no contact and heal.

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hurt me worse or her? =s

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Originally Posted by buylill

i could tell her the first part of your quote yes, but why not just let it all out and say shes pushed me really far to the point i felt like a rebound, relly did hurt me, etc.

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You could if you really think it would get it off your chest , but the truth is you really just want to get a lift out of her and think maybe she'll change her mind.

Truth is she's made her mind up and has thought about this for a while. The more you try to push her or try to explain how you feel the more she will pull away.

Keep your dignity my friend and just go No Contact and start to heal. We see on here so often how the Dumpee doesn't want to upset their Ex but hey SHE DUMPED YOU. Don't worry about her now or how she feels you are the focus.

If she sees you getting on with your life she may just miss you , if not its not meant to be and then you can start your healing process instead of wallowing for months with false hope.

Why do you even care what she thinks, since you're the one who is hurting, and needs to heal? Leave her alone to think whatever she pleases, as you do for yourself, she she surely won't.

I think it doesn't matter if you tell her or not.Either way you are still hurting inside. And that won't change even if you do tell her. However if you maintain NC that hurt will slowly subside.

I did what you want to do, I told the ex how I felt, told him about all the pain he gave me. And guess what he looked sad for about 2minutes, apologized and carried on moving on! I felt stupid, he knew I still hurt. And I was left broken all over again. So its not such a bright idea.

I'll back that no contact statement until I'm blue in the face, that tactic got me over my ex and allowed myself to heal and see that I deserved a lot better

You may think your getting your feelings out and you will feel better, but your ex doesn't care what you do or say, so why trade that for some good common sense, and a plan to cope with your very normal feelings, of hurt and rejection.

Leave her alone, and get busy being good to yourself in some positive ways. Fishing any one, bowling with the buds?? What did you do before you met up with her??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You may think your getting your feelings out and you will feel better, but your ex doesn't care what you do or say, so why trade that for some good common sense, and a plan to cope with your very normal feelings, of hurt and rejection.

Leave her alone, and get busy being good to yourself in some positive ways. Fishing any one, bowling with the buds??? What did you do before you met up with her???

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Thanks for the advice and everything, but I honestly wasn't planning on telling her those feelings because I want to get back with her. It was just a way to get things off my chest so the air is clear sort of deal. And I went along with it last night, I wasn't vulnerable either.
She did open up to me saying how she was just really scared of getting hurt an as time went by didn't want to be in a relationship and as more time went by didn't want to be with me and feelings started fading.(comment on this anyone?)

We left it off at good terms though, the end of this chapter.

Threads merged

So me and the ex broke up a while back. She needed a break a long time ago and after still trying to be there for her but things getting worse I broke off all contact even though she wanted to remain friends. It was a on a good note from my side, but she was bitter about me doing that. So no contact for about month and half even though I called and texted he a week ago because I was over it all and if she wnted to be friends thtd be cool (bcuz it wouldn't affect me whtsoever) but she didn't reply, it was fine though I was kind of glad because now I had done my part. Roll down a week and she calls me and we talk for a quick 2 minutes. She says stuff like 'soo are you still trying to avoid me?' or ' so no hard feelings right?' and I played it off very cool and smooth and ending the call. Its funny and weird because these were things I told her about the no contact part and besides there's no way she didn't get my call or text from a week ago. (she said she didn't get anything) anyhow, I feel great, life is awesome, but I still def get some thoughts about her now and then.

Now for the purpose of this post, what do you guys think is going on in her mind?
What was the point of that call from her?

Oh and the fact that I'm progressing of course, thanks y'all.

Who knows?

She may be regretting needing a break, regretting breaking up, or just wanting to check up on you.

Who knows what the purpose of her call is, and like you said you don't care.

So why are you posting here, and asking the rest of us?

Be honest with yourself, perhaps you're not as over it as you thought you were.

I say go back to no contact

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Originally Posted by buylill

what do you guys think is going on in her mind?
what was the point of that call from her?

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She could be just curious how are you doing w/o her. She's the one who asked for it, she got it. Don't ask what she thinks because there's no point. Even being friends is not healthy at this point. It just sound so plastic. Ask if what she's doing is worth entertaining. You broke up, what you realized for those days of no contact? Are things worth looking back? If not, change numbers!

You wouldn't have this confusion if you hadn't contacted her with this "friend" crap. Stay with no contact, forever, and ever.