HI everyone, I have been reading the posts for a week now and they have helped me realize that I'm not alone in my situation... nonetheless here's my story... Please give me advice if you can!! Thank you.

Well, my GF of 5 years is having NC with me. I love her and she loves me but we had a big fight last week and now she isn't responding to any of my emails, texts,. and if she does, then it is a one word response. She has broken up with me in the past but we have always gotten back together. I came crawling back. Pleading, begging for her to recognize how special our love is.. and so she did.

But she has a mean streak in her and likes to cut off contact with me when she throws her tantrums... I just done know if this is one of them or if she really broke up with me! That's my problem.. and if she did break up, then I want her back because I love her. I admit I have NO self respect anymore and she probably doesn't respect me.. but I don't care... I want what I want and I want her!! Please help me. What do you think? And if I have NC with her then, she will break up with me I'm sure and I don't want that...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by crazyoverher

I admit i have NO self respect anymore and she probably doesnt respect me ..but i dont care...i want what i want and i want her!!!! please help me. what do you think? and if i have NC with her then, she will break up with me im sure and i dont want that....

---

I think, reading this paragraph, it presents a huge problem that will doom every relationship you have for a long period.

Here are some finer points to consider:

1. If she throws tantrums like this and cannot learn to communicate, then it ain't worth it, seriously.

2. USUALLY couples that break up often, then get back together, stay in that same, stupid, wasteful pattern as long as they know each other. The problem is that neither of you two are strong enough to just let the other one go, as you need to realize it is NOT meant to be

3. You are selling yourself out for something, that, judging by what you wrote, just doesn't seem worth it. You cannot lose yourself respect over this, period.

You both need to grow up, learn to communicate, and get out of this dysfunctional and almost toxic pattern you have going. You may love her, but that isn't worth all of the drama and unhappiness that this is causing you. If she can't be mature enough to quit ignoring you and to let you know where the two of you stand, then screw her. Sadly, however, I feel that even if she did let you know it was over, you would go crawling back, like a dog, which would feed right into her hands...

Personally, I would give her some time to get over her hard headed attitude, but I wouldn't put my life on hold why she struggles to formulate what it is she wants to say to me. This isn't fair to you. If she is already initating NC, then get yourself into that mode as well. This isn't how relationships work.

Those are good points... but she is so loving when things are going great. That's why its so hard for me to let her go... another thing... she is f... kn so beautiful... face, body... everything! When we go anywhere, men and women look at her! Anyway, we do have BIG drama.. it seems like it's a rollercoaster up and down... but when its goood its great! I've tried to tell her not to throw any more tantrums and she says: then don't piss me off and you knew that I was like this...

So now what? What do you suggest I do?

She knows she is good looking, and it seems to me she treats you like a dog, because she can, and because you act like it (sorry, but get some self respect back)...

Now what?: Prove to her, and most importantly YOU, that you don't need her, and get on with your life. This stuff ain't worth it. I would also almost be willing to bet that if you don't go crawling back, and if you act like a man, she will eventually come back to you... but I don't think that would be a good thing either.

OK... so if I act like a man... does that mean I could just text her once... like "good morning" and that's it... you know? I mean its not like I'm bothering her or acting crazy and texting her all day... just once to let her know that I'm still here, thinking about her. OR... do you think that I should go NC... and if do, then what? The possibility is high that she will remain broken up and/or she will think that I don't care about her anymore. You see the quandry I'm in? Also, we have been together for 5 years!! That's a long time. I can't even imagine what it would be like to try to find another woman as hot as her... etc. help!! And thank you for your responses...

Reading this as a women's prospective I have to say maybe you can improve how u treat her and show her some respect. Women want nothing more then respect. They want to feel like they are on top of the world

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unknown2world

Reading this as a womens prospective I have to say maybe you can improve how u treat her and show her some respect. Women want nothing more then respect. They want to feel like they are on top of the world

---

That is such garbage! She acts like a total immature brat and you think he should reward her? What planet are you on? Just because you have an opening between your legs doesn't grant you the power to treat guys like dogs. Get over that stuff. What points in his post did you see that would lead you to believe he didn't respect her? He doesn't respect himself... that is the problem here.

Oh gotcha I am sorry I read it wrong besides I don't date men SO I Don't know much about them

That's true... I have always treated her like a lady.. NEVER cussed at her, etc... and yet she has cursed at me... thrown me out of her apt... been mean to me... etc... and like a fool I go back and then its like she is thinknig that she can do whatever to me and that its OK... I am getting tired of that behavior but I love her. You know? And the times that I put up an argument, then she totally cries and says I'm so mean. Its like I can't stand up for myself with her even though she can treat me like dirt. I have a good self esteem in everywhere elsel in my life... but I just can't seem to be tough with her. :(

Grow some balls and quit rewarding her behavior! Go NC and learn to build yourself esteem up. Seriously, you have let her single handedly tear you down. NO MORE!

You know that's tough to do... going NC. Ill do it if you think that I should... im here to get advice from anothers perspective, but are you saying that its not good for me to even just wish her a good morning or good night? If you say no, then OK.

I do want her back but I don't want to be a doormat like I have been for the longest time now. And another thing, why is she doing this to me??

No contact. At all. No morning texts. No good night calls. Nothing. LEAVE HER ALONE. If she tries to talk to you, ignore her. She started the NC, now let her feel the pain. Give it at least a month before contacting her again. Don't worry about she forgetting or jumping in bed with someone else. Also, start considering that this time you guys broke up for good. It will make NC easier. Look at all the other interesting and beautiful women in the world.

About the why... well, you might never know really why. But I can tell that her behaviour is very immature. It might have to do with she knowing she's beautiful and thinking that's all she has to do. But she doesn't respect you at all and you shouldn't put up with that. That's just stupid.

All right... thats good advice... its going to be hard though, because I do love her and because I've been with her for 5 years!

The thought of her being with another guy just kills me though... and yes I guess she is very immature although she thinks she is acting like an adult... very mature about life in general.

Do you think she will ever come back to me? And if she does, what do I tell her? NOT to act this way ever again??

Ok. So you need not to think if she's with someone else or not. Actually you need to stop thinking about her. It's not easy. But you must do this. Don't worry if you catch yourself writing a txt message. Just don't send it. Don't call. Delete every e-mail you write.

If I think she'll want to come back? I'm quite sure of that. You guys had a pattern and she thinks she can walk over you anytime. The thing though, is that she likes the fact that she has power over you. That's the dynamics you established with her.

That's why I think you should push her back if she comes. Just ignore her. She'll probably come with drama. Just don't give in to that. Give it time. And by time here I'm talking about months. Live your life. And don't wait either. Once you feel you'ready, start dating other people.

I honestly think that you should never go back to her. It was an uhealthy relationship, from what you described. But if you feel she matured and you really want to try it again, only do it after a year. So that you can get some self respect and put yourself first in your life.

Remeber: you are the most important person in your life.

All right... ill try doing just that. I think it sucks big time.

I mean how do I get over someone that I am still in love with?

One more thing...

Should I send her an email telling her that I'm not going to wait around anymore for her? And the reasons?

I can't believe you have put up with her crap for 5 years, and done nothing about it. She treats you like a dog because you allow it. That's not healthy.

Grow some, and stand up for yourself by leaving her alone, and get some dignity, and self respect for yourself. You need to be healthy, and happy, with yourself, before having a healthy, and happy relationship, and trust me, this ain't it, I don't care how hot she is. Her beauty is only skin deep, whats underneath is a very ugly person.

Quote:

---

should I send her an email telling her that I'm not going to wait around anymore for her? And the reasons?

---

NO, absolutely not! Disappear from her life and get your own act together. That's the NO CONTACT you need!

Haha. Well. It sucks, indeed. I'm still struggling with me ending a 4 years relation (3 months break-up; 1 month NC), so trust me, I'm not speaking without understanding how bad this sucks.

The basic idea right now is that your heart wants something that your brain knows it's a bad idea. So you need to override every single thing you feel it's a good idea, but you know it's bad. But you need to understand why you are doing this. You are doing this for yourself, not to get her back, OK? If you don't put this in your head, this will not work.

The things you have to do right now are to focus on other aspects of your life - not on romance or dating. Go out with friends, entertain your hobbies and work... enjoy the fact that you have the freedom of doing whatever you want. Remove everything you have that reminds you of her. Box her toothbrush, clothes, pictures,. Your heart will want you to think of her, so you need to reduce the opportunities for it to act. That's also where the NC is useful.

So here's what I learned: love is a very powerful thing. But time is as powerful as love. You just need to give it some time. I promise you it gets better. It will take time.

To let you know my story... I was dumped without understanding why (sort of... I didn't want to believe, I guess) and I was deeply in love. "I want to marry you and have kids" kind of love. It took me 1 month after getting dumped to finally start NC. Which hasn't been as absolute as it should. Still, I'm finally starting feeling I don't love her anymore. I'm finally indifferent to what she thinks and I couldn't care less if she's screwing someone else... I can't think about it, but I can not care. And I'm finally able to go out on dates without really thinking about my ex.

Hope it helps. Good luck man. It's the best thing you'll do.

She has you in the palm of her hand. You have no respect for yourself and she sees that. That's why she treats you like this. Don't give her the satisfaction of treating you this way. Disappear from her life. Most guys won't take this crap from a girl. She'll realize that if she goes out with other guys and sees that they come and go like ups packages at a packing center, because its her attitude that's the problem. Then it would be up to her to change herself. If she does decide to come back, then its up to you whether you want to accept her back and put up with her crap, unless she was willing and changed.

One thing to add to what has been discussed, in regards to the issue of her being with another guy.

Accept it.

As much as it might hurt, assume that she's either with another guy now or will be very shortly. Even if it's untrue, assume it. That way, when it does happen (and it WILL happen), you won't be quite as stunned by it. Upset sure, but at least you'll have expected it.

At the same time, take time for yourself, and when the time feels right, go out and explore what you can with other women. Even if it's just first dates that lead nowhere, as long as you're genuine you'll slowly see the other options out there.

Thank you for your advice everyone!

OK>... im going to do the NC today. And I won't send emails or texts as much I want to...

Ill keep you posted as to what happens!

One last thing... I know you are going to break NC.

Whenever you get the feeling like you want to text, email, call... whatever... post it on this thread! We have been there, and I promise you will feel better venting to us rather than breaking down to her.

OK... thanx for your suppport... when I want to text or email her... ill talk on here first!

Everyone help me out here... I am mad as hell... >:

I can't believe that my GF is ignoring me for a week... after my nice "good morning baby" texts and good night too.

I want to send her an email that I wrote, basically saying that I'm not going to "beg her for her love anymore"... what do you think?

I just can't believe she's this freaking cold to me after ALL we've been through!!

How can she do this? What kind of person does this to one she just said : "i love you soooo much"... last WED night!! As we made love all night long!! $#$%#

The best way to do this is through your actions... DO NOT send her that email... regardless of your message, she will still win if you contact her.

Damn it... ok

Ill do what you say but I'm really pissed.

And hurt. :(

Okay well look I haven't been dating my boyfriend for nearly as long as you, but after the first 6 months I felt as thought my feelings were gone... I figured our through help and LOTS of tears that it was normal. After a while the strong emotions settle into more stabilized feelings. The transition into this thought might scare you. I've been talking about it with my bg and I told him what would annoy me in the relationship, and his being clingy really did it. He would say I love you every 5 minutes and kiss me every two. This weekend thought we hung out with his family so he couldn't act as he usually would and I swear I felt 20 billion times better and way calmer. So maybe what she needs is a bit of time to just be by herself and cool off. She has been with you for 5 years and I'm sure your love is strong, she won't let go that easily. Also if you seem really secure about your relationship and your feeling for her that'll guide her but don't overdue it cause it might just annoy her... girls are SO hard to understand and handle... we really really are.
Also, this might be happening: People change. When they change they don't fit with you as well... and they just need to move on and let you go. Although I REALLY hope this is not the case for you, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Don't accept it as a reality, but don't totally exclude this as one of the possible outcomes of this relationship.
Also, you NEED self respect to make this relationship work. If you want her, you must regain it. I'm studying psychology and I've learned that if you don't respect yourself you can't respect your love and she can't respect you as you pointed out yourself. Also, don't fore her into coming back to you, you want to make sure that's what she really wants or you will spend your time fighting or she'll pretend all the while. I know she's important to you, but if you love her don't guilt trip her into coming back.
Goodluck!

Wait... so are you saying to have NC with her? Or are you saying to text her every week?

Are you saying I should have some contact with her then??

You breakup and make up... this is not healty. One day you will get tired of being treated badly! When will it be enough for you? My former fiancée and I broke up a few times and tried to stay together... in the end we got the same results.. a broken relationship! Just because your GF is beautiful from the outside... based on your post she is ugly on the inside... she is the one running the show! The golden rule is to treat people how you want to be treated! Man pick yourself up and live life and not wait for your GF. She knows that you are there in waiting...

Well, I DID get tired of her being mean to me the other night and while she was doing all that I thought to myself: "i dont need this from her...shes really unhealthy for me to be around"...

But then a new day and then my love for her comes back... do you know what I mean?

You can love and care about someone and not continue to be subjected to such disrespect! No one said that your feelings will change for a person over night! I am currently going through a bad break up that is bound to get worse! I love my former fiancée however the way things ended and the way that I am currently being treated has me running for the hills... I am not in love with my EX, even though we have memories... I am not looking back at the would have could have... I will celebrate when my whole mess is over! Now it is all about ME! I wish you the best...

I'm saying to give her time off for a bit. Don't go after her, wait for her to come to you.

Look at this way, if you ever want to have any kind of relationship with her you have no choice to go no contact. That is the only way to see if she really loves you and respect you enough to come to you and admit her wrongs. If you keep going back then you will never know.

If after some time she comes back and says she is sorry then she still cares for you. If you never hear from her again that tells you all you need to know.

If she does come back you can't just take her back and act like nothing ever happened. If this sorry excuse for a relationship has any chance you need to get to the bottom of why she treats you like that. The easy answer is because you have let her, and that is were your blame is. However she does not know how to act in a relationship as well. The tantrums, acting like you are mean when you call her on her B.S. is all part of something bigger.

Ask yourself this... do I want to live this life forever? If you end up marring her and having a family you will be taking a huge risk. Can you take the risk of her changing her spots. Is that a risk worth taking.

Walking away is the hardest thing to do. I had to come to that spot in my life as well. Trust me you will never feel better about yourself once you decide to stop being a door mat and be a man.

Thank you for your honesty and comments... it is hard being a man.

I can't BELIEVE THIS xITCH!! $#

Help everyone...

I took everyone's advice to go NC with my GF. But before I did, 2 nights ago, I emailed her just to say "good night" and that I love you and miss you...

I also wrote an email to her saying that I wasn't going to be her doormat anymore... I DID NOT send it - based upon everyone's advice.

BUT here's the deal: she has gone NC with me!. I don't even get the satisfaction of going NC with HER??

What do I do... I feel like she has the upper hand on everything and she doesn't care about me even MORE!! Although she said last week... that I'm her whole world!?

Simple answer... stay NC. This isn't a game...

Dude. Stop right now. Take a deep breath.

Now stay NC. It's only two days! Grow some balls, will you? You know why NC is a show of strength? Because it's f***ing hard! It's harder to do NC than to keep showing your love.

There's a reason why she treats you like a doormat - you behave like that. Also, there is no upper hand or lower hand. You are not playing against her. You are trying to get your life back in control, making yourself happy without her.

Take one day at a time. And for God's sake stop thinking about her. It's hard but it seems you are not making any effort.

I didn't know you were playing a game. Maybe she saw this forum and is actually using the advice the people give her. Listen to me, go and run head first into a brick wall, you will get farther.

No I'm not playing any games but I KNOW from her past behavior that she does, and that's why its BS for her to do this.

Anyway... guess I just wanted to vent. NO I'm not going to break NC...

You all are the ones that are giving me the strengh I need to do so!

Thanks.

But, I'm still pissed. Fyi.