Ask Me Help Desk - What to do with my girlfriend?

What to do with my GF?

Hi everyone... I have seen the advice on this website and it has helped tremendously. But here's a new one for you... at least I think it is.

My GF is very moody. I think she might be bipolar. In any case, we have a great time when we are together but last night we went on the town and she blew up at me, saying that I was acting like a child and that she wants an adult in her life. (we were drinking and I had too much) hell, I was having fun... but she didn't want any of that and consequently, started saying mean things to me until finally, we went back to our hotel.

Now we have been in this relationship for 4 years now and it has been up and down... to the extremes!

In any case, she like all women... if I can generalize, holds grudges and now 4 days later, she is giving me the cold shoulder... not even responding to my text or wanting me to spend the night with her.

What should I do?

Should I "act like a man" and have no contact with her until she initiates? It is soooo hard for me NOT to text her. We both love each other but damnit... this is some bs. I hate that she is so moody.

ANY comments would help me greatly! Thankx

Rob.

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninsa

In any case, she like all women....if i can generalize, holds grudges and now 4 days later, she is giving me the cold shoulder...not even responding to my text or wanting me to spend the night with her.

You probably shouldn't generalize as this doesn't sound like the behaviors of EVERY or even a majority of women, but it is routine for YOUR woman.

It sounds like to me, she knows this behaviors will get her way and that is probably all she is really concerned about.

The emotional rollercoaster relationship IS NOT healthy and you should evaluate why you would disrespect yourself enough to be in this type of relationship.

I would begin NO CONTACT immediately, without the expectation that you want her to come back to you.

Thnkx for the input!

Ill tell you why I want her... she ing BEAUTIFUL and the best SEX I've ever had... as well as being in love with her... etc. she just does it for me and THAT is so hard to let go of... at this point, I'm sure that there are some great women out there but I don't know where to find them!

Even so, what is she trying to accomplish with NC from me? I mean people, if I keep textin her, then there's the possibility that I will be able to sleep with her soon... u know what I mean? If I don't, and she gets even more pissed and leaves me, then I'm out cold! Help!

How old are you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninsa

thnkx for the input!

ill tell you why i want her.....she ing BEAUTIFUL and the best SEX ive ever had....as well as being in love with her...etc. she just does it for me and THAT is so hard to let go of....at this point, im sure that there are some great women out there but i dont know where to find them!

even so, what is she trying to accomplish with NC from me? i mean people, if i keep textin her, then theres the possiblity that i will be able to sleep with her soon...u know what i mean? if i dont, and she gets even more pissed and leaves me, then im out cold! help!

Everything seems like the best thing ever when you are in love... also, it seems to me are are putting way too much emphasis on sex. Is there anything else that hooks you to her?

Well, yeah we have fun when there is no drama. Im pretty easy going but she's the one that always has issues. When SHE is doing good, then I am to. As far as sex goes, HELLyeah!! I put a lot of emphasis on it. My previous gf's never had the libido that I did and this woman does... so do I wait to hear from her or do I text her?

If sex is more important than a healthy relationship and future than you should text her right away. Just remember this thread when you are upset about her moodiness again. You have already determined that sex is the most important aspect to your relationship.

How does making sex as an important part of the relationship, if not the most, influence a healthy and future relationship? I mean, I can't control how moody she is and what she is going to do. I have done everything possible, including humiliating myself so that she can "win" her points in arguments but she is so hard to please! I wonder if she just doesn't know how to deal with conflict in a relationship? Help please...

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it does not make a relationship healthy. If you believe that the problem is that she may be bipolar then I would talk to her about the possibility of visiting a doctor/psychiatrist.

Yes I have but she can't afford the meds... AND she is a big drinker to boot. She's not an alkie but she seems to always have a drink in her hand. Ive known this all along but I just want to know if she is just trying to "punish" me by not texting me or if she really wants to break up! This woman is loving one day and then horrific the next... I just can't leave her because I do love her.

She told you she wants to break up. Sounds like you two are well into a game relationship, but I don't think it sounds like a game. Sounds like an it's over.

Interesting perspective.

Well, we have "broken up" 4 times in the past year... it was always her doing it. Then, she has NC... and then she emails me or texts me and then we are back together.

So now, she hasn't told me that she wants to leave me THIS time, but she is not responding to my texts.

Consequently I don't know what to do.

To text her, or not... or "man up" and let her come to me...

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninsa

interesting perspective.

well, we have "broken up" 4 times in the past year.....it was always her doing it. then, she has NC ....and then she emails me or texts me and then we are back together.

so now, she hasnt told me that she wants to leave me THIS time, but she is not responding to my texts.

consequently i dont know what to do.

to text her, or not....or "man up" and let her come to me......

And if she does "come to you?" What does that change? She clearly has issues that she needs to work on, and frankly, her being in a relationship WILL NOT help her with these issues. You are doomed to continue this same pattern as long as she isn't working on her own self.

I think you are inevitable putting off facing a doomed relationship, maybe not this time, maybe not the next time, but this back and forth - on and off, is NOT healthy for either of you, just depends on who figures that out first.

Thank you for that... but shouldn't I "stick it out?" I mean I do love her so doesn't that mean I should support her or to be there for her while she is going through these issues? Or do I just cut bait... it sounds so harsh and uncaring. If she does "come to me" then, doesn't that mean that she still wants me too?

Justwantfair...

How is this a doomed relationship? If I figure it out first and leave, then so be it but don't ALL relationships go through a ROCKY period before settling? U see what I mean?

This isn't a "rocky" period. No one breaks up with someone 4 freaking times! That is unstable, and speaks to her mental condition. She needs to fix her issues, otherwise NO relationship she EVER has will work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninsa

thank you for that....but shouldnt i "stick it out?" i mean i do love her so doesnt that mean i should support her or to be there for her while she is going through these issues? or do i just cut bait...it sounds so harsh and uncaring. if she does "come to me" then, doesnt that mean that she still wants me too?

You do not "stick it out" when it comes to disrespecting yourself and being in a relationship that is unhealthy. She has to want to change and you have already said that she isn't taking the prescription and she puts drinking ahead of her health.

When she "comes to you" she doesn't want you, she just doesn't want to be alone. Her own issue, that is not love.

WOW! What an eyeopener both of you said!!

I'm going to think about all that. Its so hard guys... I really do love her and she loves me... and yes the relationship is VERY unstable but not from my doing. She is the one that is making it that way. I guess ill take your advice both of yours... and try to go with it.

I won't text her tonight, but here's my question to both of you now: what if she texts me? Then what?! I want to see her still, so then do I tell her that she needs to stop this BS once and for all? And if she doesn't then I'm history?

If she texts you IGNORE IT. You may still want to be with her, but she has to figure stuff out on her own and you need perceptive to see the relationship without the clouded judgement of loving her. You can tell her to stop, but she HAS TO see it on her own, if she doesn't she can't fix the problem. Back off, give her space and time to grow up.

OK thank you.

This is a GREAT forum!

Ill keep u posted...

It seems you have enough of weird and some nice answers here?

I one pick would be let her free for sometime , take some time out for yourself and forget her even the world that you have woven around her...

Follow the advice already given to you as it is great advice, but keep in mind you are going to have to deal with consequences.

The latest: she texted me last night... 3 times. I gave in and answered her. She said that it was drama last time we were together.. and I was expecting her to invite me over. She didn't. Instead she said she had plans with her kids. And left it at that...

What do you guys think now?

Leave her alone, she has her life, you have yours. Figure yourself out then you can figure out the relationship.

I think you caved ;)

But you will need to be No Contact if you are going to get over this, she HAS TO focus on her problems. You need to step out of the picture, but do not be surprised if she doesn't want to fix the problems and moves on to a different relationship.

This is not a healthy relationship for you, so you can have both feet on the ground or get back on the roller coaster until you puke.

Points taken...

BUT... what if she claims that "I am her world" like she has before and wants me tonight? Should I go over and sleep with her (which would be great) - and just know to myself that she's just using me?

I know that she will claim that she is trying to work on her issues and then turn around and say that she gets "no emotional" support from me and THAT is why she acts the way she acts towards me!!

What do you think now?

I think you are full of what ifs... and what thens...

But the real answer you already know.

NO CONTACT.

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninsa

points taken.....

BUT....what if she claims that "I am her world" like she has before and wants me tonight? should i go over and sleep with her (which would be great) - and just know to myself that shes just using me?

I know that she will claim that she is trying to work on her issues and then turn around and say that she gets "no emotional" support from me and THAT is why she acts the way she acts towards me!!!

what do you think now?

Doing that would be a MONUMENTAL mistake... EPIC FAILURE! Do NOT do that...

OH... she just texted me... fyi.

You realize you are acting like a child right now...

Many times people who have underlying mental issues, especially depression, will drink all the time in order to self medicate themselves. It briefly takes away the depression and makes them feel better, however when the alcohol wears off, everything comes back even more. She has some sort of mental stability issue as well as a alcohol dependency issue she needs to deal with before any of this gets better.

Yeah... I know I'm acting like a child. But I just NEVER had this feeling with a woman before. I'm mad at myself for acting like this and for her treating me like this, I'm in love. :( and that's why its damn difficult.

I do know that she does have issues like getting custody of her kids... drinking, needs depression medicine. UM... why am I with her again?? LOL.

Do you guys think that THERE really are women out there that Don't have any issues? Id like your opinions because I haven't found anyone yet that isn't "crazy" AND gorgeous. You know what I'm talking about people...

Any more advice would be appreciated!

<--- Isn't crazy and gorgeous, all in the same package.

There are PLENTY of women out there that fit the bill, you just have to be willing to look, be selective and not jump on the first woman to open her legs, because it's not usually that woman that is the whole package.

She is handling/NOT HANDLING a lot of issues right now, you are giving her a reason to avoid taking care of her problems. She clearly isn't that well put together and she needs to realize these things ON HER OWN.

I am not a guy, but I don't care how great the sex was, it wouldn't make up for the rest of this stuff. You have to love yourself first, respect yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninsa

thank you for that....but shouldnt i "stick it out?" i mean i do love her so doesnt that mean i should support her or to be there for her while she is going through these issues? or do i just cut bait...it sounds so harsh and uncaring. if she does "come to me" then, doesnt that mean that she still wants me too?

I think loving relationships deserve some "sweat equity"... hard work you put into it when its ugly to get things back to center.

I also think you need to know when to back way off and call time.

I think I dated your gf's older sister a dozen years ago. We dated six years. Six. Big Love. Big deal.

When life was good, it was great. But the absolute chaos and uncertainty that shed bring to the relationship made the ground crumble. I spent almost two years of that relationship trying to moderate, to pacify, to do whatever it took to make her happy.

Big, big, big mistake.

I've loved two women I just couldn't be with. I'm sure a few of my loves would say the same about me.

Four breakups in a year is telling. This relationship is done.

It is done. As is, it won't last.

The ONLY way it isn't done is to step back, get the hell away from each other, and then, maybe, someday get together when issues are resolved. And that doesn't mean you miss each other or are lonely... that means whatever issues are at hand are resolved, buried, left in the past.

I cannot speak for her. I don't have her side of the story. But I am wondering if she's at that edge where she doesn't want to leave the comfort of the familiar, but also has issues with this relationship, or even being tied down in a relationship, that aren't being addressed in a positive manner.

I loved that girl, but she had some issues that I could no longer deal with. I didn't toss her to the curb. I pulled her back in over and over and over... and she kept choosing to leave me. Eventually I had to let her do exactly that.

Thank god.

That being said... when I leave her alone to solve her problems, and then she finds out that she really does want me back... I don't believe that I would take her back. Especially if she had played the field... so once I go, it will be a done deal.

The advice I'm getting seems to point toward that outcome. Is that the case?

kp2171:

I cannot speak for her. I don't have her side of the story. But I am wondering if she's at that edge where she doesn't want to leave the comfort of the familiar, but also has issues with this relationship, or even being tied down in a relationship, that aren't being addressed in a positive manner.

This is dead on... I feel that she doesn't know what she wants. She loves me but wants to go out with her friends. When she's out, she wants to be alone with me... etc. I knew her when she wasn't this crazy and that's why is so confusing to me... 4 years is a long time... I can't imagine 6 years for you. Anyway... any other comment would be helpful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartbrokeninsa

that being said.....when i leave her alone to solve her problems, and then she finds out that she really does want me back....i dont believe that i would take her back. especially if she had played the field...so once i go, it will be a done deal.

the advice im getting seems to point toward that outcome. is that the case?

Let that happen when it will.

You need perspective that only space will give you, you will probably find, without the loving clouded judgement, that you no longer want to be involved in this roller coaster.

Justwantfair...

You need perspective that only space will give you, you will probably find, without the loving clouded judgement, that you no longer want to be involved in this rolle
r coaster.

That PART is true enough... during our minibreakups... I told myself that I don't NEED this kind of abuse. I realized that I don't want to be on this rollercoaster... but every time... I get suckered back in it. She becomes the most loving person ever and is super sweet to me... gives me sex on demand... etc...

And being greedy... wanting my cake and eat it too... I wind up here! >:

Well... so she wants to go out with her friends and that causes tension... and then she wants to be with you, but flips out?

I really think, based only on my personal exp, that she likes you and loves you... but the relationship has probably run its course. Its absolutely possible to have a great relationship not meant for all time, but meant for some time... and maybe that time has come and gone.

I don't know. I don't like projecting my experiences on other and saying This Is How It Is... I had a couple of crash and burn relationships and they each had their own unique weaknesses or areas of destructive interference.

I guess my point is don't feel guilty if you step back.

You might think that it'll crush her... but maybe she actually needs that, just as you might.

It sucked ending that six year relationship. She honestly was a great friend, a good lover, on and on... but I let it drag on until all that was left was anger and frustration on all sides.

Again... four times in a year is pretty telling. Something isn't right, and it isn't working. She doesn't get to threaten you over and over with leaving, and you don't get to accept her back over and over and expect anything different.

You get the respect you demand for yourself, and sometimes you don't even get that.

She can love you and be wrong for you. You can love her and need to break it off. Been there, done that.

Wish I had some silver lining other than saying ending a relationship when its time to end it is worth it, in the long run. Short term, it sucks. All kinds of mind games to work through.

But seriously... unless you can figure out where you two keep going wrong and find some common ground... nothing is fixed, and it isn't right.