There has been a lot of comments and posts about moving on with your life, and forgetting your ex. And its made me think or have a certain idea about the way many think on the boards regarding break-ups. But I want to put this to the test so to speak, and I ask this question out of intellectual curiosity and nothing more.

When do you think it is OK, or appropriate to take an ex back? Under what circumstances do you believe it "permissible" try again, and how do you think you would make it work. Or do you all think never is always the case?

I'm not looking for hope. I'm just curious for the sake of discussion.

Don't take an ex back if they:
Cheated on you, lied to you about something life-changing/major, fought with you a lot about life-changing/major subjects (ie religion, sex, money).

Take an ex back:
If they're willing to work with you on problems, willing to be affectionate and kind. Actually, if you both trust each other, respect each other and care about each other.

I think we follow our heart most of the time, and sometimes our heart brings us back for another try.

I know that I have attempted to fix things with exes a few times and it has never worked. Then again, it takes a lot for me to walk away from a relationship so I most likely was more or less done at the breaking up point.

I think it's okay to get back with an ex if you've dumped them and feel that you've made a mistake in doing so, but you'd have to work your a-- off to prove yourself to them. On the flip side, I don't think I would ever get back with an ex after they have dumped me. I just couldn't accept the fact that they tried to get someone better, couldn't do it, then came back to me. I'll never be a consolation prize for anyone.

Then again, if life circumstances don't allow for the existence of your relationship then it would be okay to get back together when the timing is right. But breaking up to find someone better and not succeeding is unacceptable in my books.

Getting back together with an abuser isn't a good idea either.

Getting back with a cheater is a bad idea as well.

Personally, I have never gotten back with an ex. I have too much pride to take someone back after they have been with someone else in the meanwhile. Maybe I'm immature, I don't know. That's just how I feel about it.

By the way, is this answer suppose to be from a dumper or dumpee perspective? I guess either way it should be the same.

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Originally Posted by itried

On the flip side, I don't think I would ever get back with an ex after they have dumped me. I just couldn't accept the fact that they tried to get someone better, couldn't do it, then came back to me. I'll never be a consolation prize for anyone.

breaking up to find someone better and not succeeding is unacceptable in my books.


Personally, I have never gotten back with an ex. I have too much pride to take someone back after they have been with someone else in the meanwhile. Maybe I'm immature, I don't know. That's just how I feel about it.

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I agree, and basically tod my ex that very thing when we got into the dating while separate thing. But to me that would fall under the area of clearly not a reason to go back. If that was their reason for doing it. But I'm really focused under what circumstances would be acceptable.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

By the way, is this answer suppose to be from a dumper or dumpee perspective? I guess either way it should be the same.

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Dumpee really. Dumpers always want to come back to a good man or woman. At 1st I was saying that in jest. But when I think about the horror stories I've heard over the years from my single and dating female friends, I actually really do believe that. There are more bad than good choices out there.

But anyway, from the Dumpee

The most important factor in my opinion is the willingness of both parties to make it work and want to genuinely actually be together. Without this most basic level of desire to be with one another, its not going to work - especially if one partner is only halfheartedly interested in getting back together or wanting to get back together for the wrong reason. Some may view this as a given, but I believe it is worth pointing out.

Once a mutual desire to give it a second go has been established, each partner must be truthful with their partners and themselves and address the reason(s) why the relationship failed the first time around, and must be willing to make the changes and compromises required to build a healthy relationship from there on. It is also very important to be realistic about if both parties can live with what happened in the past but to also leave it behind.

These reasons may or may not exist anymore depending on the time elapsed. It is quite possible to meet your ex years later only to discover that you both have grown into two completely different people but still have the mutual desire to try being together again.

I'm a firm believer in that you should never take back a physically or emotionally abusive partner however... there are certain lines that should never be crossed.

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Originally Posted by ka1

Dumpers always want to come back to a good man or woman... There are more bad than good choices out there.

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What do you define as a good man or woman? A lot of the time even if the man or woman is "good," I feel like people don't get back together just because they "weren't right" for each other.

My definition of "good" is that the man or woman treated the dumper with affection, care, devotion...

From a dumpees perspective, I think the only circumstance that would be acceptable is if you both took the time to actually reflect on your relationship without seeing other people, sleeping with them, etc. There is really no other way for the two of you to come back to the relationship with the same amount of respect that you had when you initially met. The dumper may come back with more respect for the dumpee because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there. Meanwhile, the dumpee has less respect for the dumper because they have already been let down once by this person. This whole idea of breaking up to find someone better, or explore your options is a crock of s--t. All it really means is: I want to sleep with other people, have fun and risk the relationship for my own selfish needs, and I hope you'll take me back when I'm done with all that.

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Originally Posted by itried

From a dumpees perspective, I think the only circumstance that would be acceptable is if you both took the time to actually reflect on your relationship without seeing other people, sleeping with them, etc. There is really no other way for the two of you to come back to the relationship with the same amount of respect that you had when you initially met. The dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there. Meanwhile, the dumpee has less respect for the dumper because they have already been let down once by this person. This whole idea of breaking up to find someone better, or explore your options is a crock of s--t. All it really means is: I want to sleep with other people, have fun and risk the relationship for my own selfish needs. And I hope you'll take me back when I'm done with all that.

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LOL!! :eek: What do you really think itried?

Don't hold back now! :D

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Originally Posted by teastalk

What do you define as a good man or woman? A lot of the time even if the man or woman is "good," I feel like people don't get back together just because they "weren't right" for each other.

My definition of "good" is that the man or woman treated the dumper with affection, care, devotion...

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That's where it can get a little loosie-goosie. I'm all talking about core compatibly. Which is different from a good or bad guy. I think we can all agree a bad or girl; abuse, cheating , stealing ,etc is be definitive incompatible with one with self-esteem But beyond that, I had a friend hat was dating a guy. He treated her well, better than any one else had. Which surprised me, why? She was a devote christian, and he was a member of the nation of Islam. They are incompatible on a basic level, so it would not work over the long term. He's a cool guy, if you get over the conspiracy theories. :p but this an example of what I mean. But if the compatibles and values are there, then something else is in play.

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Originally Posted by itried

FThe dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there

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I heard that guys who are the dumper hardly ever come back. I'm sad about that.

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Originally Posted by ka1

That's where it can get a little loosie-goosie. I'm all talking about core compatibly. Which is different from a good or bad guy. I think we can all agree a bad or girl; abuse, cheating , stealing ,etc is be definitive incompatible with one with self-esteem But beyond that,, i had a friend hat was dating a guy. He treated her well, better than any one else had. Which surprised me, why? She was a devote christian, and he was a member of the nation of Islam. They are incompatible on a basic level, so it would not work over the long term. He's a cool guy, if you get over the conspiracy theories. :p but this an example of what I mean. But if the compatibles and values are there, then something else is in play.

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Let me see if I understand what you're saying here:

We all agree on what makes a bad man or woman.
You're saying dumpers come back to people who are compatible on a core level or value.
I'm confused about your real life example about your Christian friend and Islamic boyfriend.
And I'm confused about the term "something else" did you mean attraction or... some sort of unknown bond that researchers are trying to figure out that makes people stick together in a relationship through thick and thin?

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Originally Posted by neverme

LOL!!! :eek: What do you really think itried??

Don't hold back now! :D

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Hahahaha!

I've been the dumper and I've been dumped. In my experience, this is usually the case. But, maybe I did get carried away with it juuuust a little bit!

Hahahaha!

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Originally Posted by neverme

LOL!!! :eek: What do you really think itried??

Don't hold back now! :D

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Yeah, I agree. But what that's not what they were doing. For myself, if they came back, did not sleep around or get intimate we could talk. BUT for me, if I was going to try and take to the next level of married eventually, I would need have her be willing to go counseling, AND she woulds have to admit and believe that leaving, that breaking up was a bad idea.if she cannot try an understand the unnecessary pain I was caused I could come close to four give her. Jesus I got too much alliteration in this post.

In my case I can could me finishing a few project profess ally, and she would do the same thing, and she would say "see the break was a good thing, we had to do it," at which point I would have visions in my head of things to do to her that I would never do because jail is a very, very bad place. Lol

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Originally Posted by teastalk

Let me see if I understand what you're saying here:

We all agree on what makes a bad man or woman.
You're saying dumpers come back to people who are compatible on a core level or value.
I'm confused about your real life example about your Christian friend and Islamic boyfriend.
And I'm confused about the term "something else" did you mean attraction or... some sort of unknown bond that researchers are trying to figure out that makes people stick together in a relationship through thick and thin?

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Sorry when I say bad man I mean people that cheated, abused, stole money, etc. So we are only concerned with good that treat a woman well, sweet, supportive, whatever. Those things ae nice, but you can have the m and no compatibility. My friends individually are great people. They dated for a little while, and he treat her nicely, but they were not going to be together for 5 yrs and get married, they were incompatible on really basic levels.

There are people on this board the were compatible with their ex'sm which usually means the reason for breaking was not a good. The dumper will come in a situation like, because they go out and find that its rough out there.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

I heard that guys who are the dumper hardly ever come back. I'm sad about that.

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I would officially be qualified as a dumper. I dumped someone very "good" and now I've tried to come back but she is not accepting me at this time.
For nowI am hoping that she will accept in the future.

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The dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there

I'm definitely coming back with more respect, consciousness, and humbleness as well.

We'll see...

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Originally Posted by Kev-Cali

I would officially be qualified as a dumper. I dumped someone very "good" and now i've tried to come back but she is not accepting me at this time.
For nowI am hoping that she will accept in the future.

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The dumper may come back with more respect because they have now found out the cold hard truth about what's really out there

I'm definately coming back with more respect, consciousness, and humbleness as well.

We'll see...

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How do you define her as good Kev-Cali?

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Originally Posted by teastalk

I heard that guys who are the dumper hardly ever come back. I'm sad about that.

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That depends on the relationships. Break-up break done into cheating, abuse, enmotion distnace, etc. There a lot of peope that do need to break because if fundemental problems in the relationship because incompatibility. If compatibility is there and there is none of that other nonesnse, they come back. Many more want to, but refuse to admit they fcked up and stay single.

That happened to me in college. Girl left for a bad boy, got dogged out in more ways that I thought possible, but would never admit it.

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Originally Posted by ka1

Sorry when I say bad man I mean people that cheated, abused, stole money, etc. So we are only concerned with good that treat a woman well, sweet, supportive, whatever. Those things ae nice, but you can have the m and no compatibility. My friends individually are great people. They dated for a little while, and he treat her nicely, but they were not gonna be together for 5 yrs and get married, they were incompatible on really basic levels.

There are people on this board the were compatible with their ex'sm which usually means the reason for breaking was not a good. The dumper will come in a situation like, because they go out and find that its rough out there.

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Oh, they were not compatible on basic levels (religion, sex, money?).

Oh, so the people who broke up with their significant other for reasons other than basic compatibility (agreement on religion, sex, or money) wasn't good?

So I understand now, you can do it if life circumstances allow, and the person understand they will neeed to go through hell to rebuilt it. What other circumstances? How about for their careers. That's a good classic block, but let pretend that really are working at the job.

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Originally Posted by ka1

That depends on the relationships. Break-up break done into cheating, abuse, enmotion distnace, etc. There a lot of peope that do need to break because if fundemental problems in the relationship because incompatibility. If compatibility is there and there is none of that other nonesnse, they come back. Many more want to, but refuse to admit they fcked up and stay single.

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If the couple was incompatible and had fundamental problems and broke up... then I'm confused why they would get back together.

If the couple was compatible and didn't have fundamental problems but broke up... then I'm confused why they would break up in the first place.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

Oh, they were not compatible on basic levels (religion, sex, money?).

Oh, so the people who broke up with their significant other for reasons other than basic compatibility (agreement on religion, sex, or money) wasn't good?

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I'm just trying weed what we would a consider bad guys or women from the conversation. My whole is related to your question. You can have a nice girl or man, and have fun because they are good people, and still not be compatible. I believe that if you had both, especilly the compatibility, 1. you should not have broken up to begin with, but 2. the dumper always comes back.

Life and dating circumstances almost force its.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

If the couple was incompatible and had fundamental problems and broke up... then I'm confused why they would get back together.

If the couple was compatible and didn't have fundamental problems but broke up... then I'm confused why they would break up in the first place.

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NOW we're getting someplace. The last thing you said is what is happening to a lot of people on the board. The couple was compatible and didn't have fundamental problems but broke up anyway, usually do to a lack feeling that they think that they have loss. But they're there. They should not have broken up, but they did, and the dumper will come back because it will dawn on them. Now the question is under what circumstance are they allowed back in your life.

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Originally Posted by ka1

You can have a nice girl or man, and have fun because they are good people, and still not be compatible. I believe that if you had both, especilly the compatibility, 1. you should not have broken up to begin with, but 2. the dumper always comes back.

Life and dating circumstances almost force its.

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What do you define as compatibility?

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Originally Posted by teastalk

How do you define her as good Kev-Cali?

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She is good in the sense that she was always very smart and more mature throughout the breakup process. Even now that I try to get back with her, she is the one that is advising me , telling me that she promises things will get better in time and it won't be so hard for me , that I should take time to get to know other girls, etc.

I already know that my chances of finding a girl so beautiful and smart is going to be hard for me to come across in the future. I definitely have come to realize how good she really was the whole time. I dumped her in my search for 'the perfect girl' , to explore some needed experimentations , and to be sure of myself for engagement. Of course months later I came to realize that I was wrong to do so and I wish I could have worked things out from the start with her.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

If the couple was compatible and didn't have fundamental problems but broke up... then I'm confused why they would break up in the first place.

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GOLD star for you. You now know, why myself, my family, her family, her friends, and her co-workers are scratching tier heads. But this thread is not about me. I just want to give you props.

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Originally Posted by Kev-Cali

She is good in the sense that she was always very smart and more mature throughout the breakup process. Even now that I try to get back with her, she is the one that is advising me , telling me that she promises things will get better in time and it won't be so hard for me , that I should take time to get to know other girls, etc.

I already know that my chances of finding a girl so beautiful and smart is going to be hard for me to come across in the future. I definately have come to realize how good she really was the whole time. I dumped her in my search for 'the perfect girl' , to explore some needed experimentations , and to be sure of myself for engagement. Of course months later I came to realize that I was wrong to do so and I wish I could have worked things out from the start with her.

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WOW you made the classic women mistake, or thinking there was something better and didn't want to settle. But he had it all along.

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Originally Posted by ka1

WOW you made the classic women mistake, or thinking there was something better and didn't want to settle. But he had it all along.

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Salt... wound, much?? :D Jeeesh!

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Originally Posted by teastalk

What do you define as compatibility?

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That could take a book, clips would be the same values, life goals, how decisions will be made in the (if engaged) religious background, attitudes about sex, career directions, beliefs about man and woman roles--if any, those are a few.

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Originally Posted by Kev-Cali

She is good in the sense that she was always very smart and more mature throughout the breakup process. Even now that I try to get back with her, she is the one that is advising me , telling me that she promises things will get better in time and it won't be so hard for me , that I should take time to get to know other girls, etc.

I already know that my chances of finding a girl so beautiful and smart is going to be hard for me to come across in the future. I definately have come to realize how good she really was the whole time. I dumped her in my search for 'the perfect girl' , to explore some needed experimentations , and to be sure of myself for engagement. Of course months later I came to realize that I was wrong to do so and I wish I could have worked things out from the start with her.

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I see... wow, you guys must have been together for quite some time for you guys to be engaged. Either that, or you guys were really compatible for you to be thinking about engagement.

Yeah, I think people need to talk about their problems before it's too late. Unfortunately, my boyfriend didn't seem to feel the urgent need to discuss with me. He just turned off. He didn't ask me questions, he didn't answer my questions, he wouldn't tell me anything.

I feel like it's my fault, that I could have shared with him more about my feelings of hurt or unhappy times or happy times. When I mentioned this, he said that I did share with him some of my feelings. I just don't know. Whatever I said, he seemed to have shot it down. It's hopeless. I'm trying not to think of him.

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Originally Posted by ka1

WOW you made the classic women mistake, or thinking there was something better and didn't want to settle. But he had it all along.

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Yes I thought there was something better, but found out I had it all along. It hurts like hell!! I've never experienced such a bad feeling in my life before.
Is this really a classic mistake I made? If it's classic, what's the classic outcome for both her and I in this situation?

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Originally Posted by teastalk

I see... wow, you guys must have been together for quite some time for you guys to be engaged. Either that, or you guys were really compatible for you to be thinking about engagement.

Yeah, I think people need to talk about their problems before it's too late. Unfortunately, my boyfriend didn't seem to feel the urgent need to discuss with me. He just turned off. He didn't ask me questions, he didn't answer my questions, he wouldn't tell me anything.

I feel like it's my fault, that I could have shared with him more about my feelings of hurt or unhappy times or happy times. When I mentioned this, he said that I did share with him some of my feelings. I just don't know. Whatever I said, he seemed to have shot it down. It's hopeless. I'm trying not to think of him.

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You know a lot of couple break because of communication issues that could have been fixed in therapy. That only pertain to people getting engaged usually. But if what you say is true, and he learns that at some point, then he going to feel like an . Why? He made a big deal over something he was going to have to do with someone anyway,

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Originally Posted by neverme

Salt...wound, much???? :D Jeeesh!

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Lol!

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Originally Posted by Kev-Cali

Yes I thought there was something better, but found out I had it all along. It hurts like hell!!! I've never experienced such a bad feeling in my life before.
Is this really a classic mistake I made? If it's classic, what's the classic outcome for both her and I in this situation?

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Unless you're very very lucky. That bridge is gone. You blew it up. Sorry:( You'e only hope is that she's trying to nail the point home to you hard, and then entertain the idea later. But I know for myself other boards thought I was not being humble enough, and what it was a feeling of insult. She could be offended that is the reason you left, and if she knows that's the reason, then as the 1st few posts to the thread said, that's not a good reason to take back,

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Originally Posted by teastalk

I see... wow, you guys must have been together for quite some time for you guys to be engaged. Either that, or you guys were really compatible for you to be thinking about engagement.

Yeah, I think people need to talk about their problems before it's too late. Unfortunately, my boyfriend didn't seem to feel the urgent need to discuss with me. He just turned off. He didn't ask me questions, he didn't answer my questions, he wouldn't tell me anything.

I feel like it's my fault, that I could have shared with him more about my feelings of hurt or unhappy times or happy times. When I mentioned this, he said that I did share with him some of my feelings. I just don't know. Whatever I said, he seemed to have shot it down. It's hopeless. I'm trying not to think of him.

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I was like your boyfriend , I didn't feel the urgent need to discuss the issue, I just made sure I kept in occasional contact with her to show that I still thought and cared.

She was like you, never sharing her feelings with me , and never called me. I regret that she refrained from doing so because I think that if she would have expressed her feelings and not been so tough, we could have reasoned together and maybe worked it out.

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Originally Posted by ka1

You know a lot of couple break because of communication issues that could have been fixed in therapy. that only pertain to people getting engaged usually. But if what you say is true, and he learns that at some point, then he gonna feel like an . Why? He made a big deal over something he was gonna have to do with someone anyway,

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Well he did say that we had communication issues and a connection issue. I think (I may be wrong) what he meant by the second one is the "feeling" which you mentioned once before of the new relationship which waxes and wanes. However, I hope what you said about the communication issue is true and about what he'll feel like later is also true.

I asked him what was wrong and he said that nothing was wrong. Later on he acted like a dead fish over the phone and in person. I didn't give up when many others would have called it quits. I was stupid. I will call it quits at the proper time the next time.

I tell every time I picture taking my ring back, I just want punch my way into a room and curl up. I think I would handle this a bit better is we were not engaged. Of corse its also possible that with out the engagement this may not have happened. There would not have been the pressure weddings dates etc.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

Well he did say that we had communication issues and a connection issue. I think (I may be wrong) what he meant by the second one is the "feeling" which you mentioned once before of the new relationship which waxes and wanes. However, I hope what you said about the communication issue is true and about what he'll feel like later is also true.

I asked him what was wrong and he said that nothing was wrong. Later on he acted like a dead fish over the phone and in person. I didn't give up when many others would have called it quits. I was stupid. I will call it quits at the proper time the next time.

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I get the notion you mean. I was ready to leave 4yrs ago, and did't because I knew I was actny emotionally. And I then look at what had in common on all those areas, and I admit I looked at how each of our families looked at us, and how random people, old and young, would come tell us how well looked or how we treated each in public. It made me stay, and obviously it got good enough for me to propose.