Surprise! Another break up story, I'm the victim.
Hello everyone,
I've been reading all these break up stories from this site for a while now and I recognize a lot of similarities in my own break up. I've read all the stickies and I pretty much have heard it all as far as generic breakup advice. But honestly, I'm a very different person from the rest of society and I just wanted some specific advice from everyone to see what you all think.
The Story
First of all, I'm old fashioned. I don't drink or smoke. I don't party but I don't have anything against going to one if the people are cool. I try to be realistic and logical in life. At the same time I'm told I'm funny, I love movies, I enjoy being romantic, and I know how to flirt and act silly when the time is right.
I graduated from high school in 2005 and I never dated during school. I had self esteem issues because I had acne quite bad covering my face. My friends all moved away to a popular party college in my home state three hours north of where I lived. My friends were out of my life.
I was prescribed some pills for my acne and to my surpise the damn things worked like magic. My face cleared up and I grew my hair out and I was getting attention for the first time in my life.
I went to a community college 15 minutes away from home. I'm a computer geek and I decided I'd go to school away from my friends to eventually pursue my dreams of being a game designer. Anyway, a girl from school added me on Myspace and we eventually decided to talk on the phone. We of course kept talking on the phone for 4-5 hours every night until she asked me to hang out and meet her family. She lived 40 minutes from me. I walked up to her front door and she answered it, she was Asian, she was very cute, had dimples, and was a little overweight but I didn't care. Her family loved me, including her former marine drill seargeant stepdad. Her little brother and I became good friends over the years.
We spent the next 3 months together doing all sorts of stuff. She was acting quiet one day and she told me she was frustrated that I had'nt asked her out yet. I eventually managed to ask her out over a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant near the ocean. Over the next 3 years we nearly lived together. She would come to my house every other day if not every day and spend the night. We watched movies, made home cooked meals, shared affection, had a million inside jokes, went to amusement parks, visited family, took road trips, and ALWAYS cracked each other up. She promised me she would never love anyone else and said she would never leave me that it would be stupid. I graduated from the community college and decided to pursue my game design career in Georgia at an art school(where I am now).
I know I should'nt put her on a pedestal but we only had a couple fights/issues. She lied to me when I met her, she said she graduated high school in '05 like me. Truth was, she missed a credit and was forced to take an extra class at vocational school before she would be officially graduated from high school. She told me the day she graduated and I was sitting alone in my room watching a moviel. I forgave her since I could understand she felt bad about not graduating with her friends. No big deal right? Nothing else really came between us after that. We drove to the community college together and even took classes together.
She had the same opinions as me, even thought they are unpopular for people our age (21-22). She is unusally compassionate and very kind. I told her I always wanted her to put her school before me and she agreed. I told her to try drinking if she wants to, I didn't want to but I wanted her to not feel restricted. I just want her to be comfortable with me! She and I both have dreams of starting our own businesses and owning a great home and all that stuff. I learn later that her father used to beat her legs when she was a child beause he is from a country in Asia where that crap is okay. I've also witnessed him call her and ask her for money then tell her she's useless and hang up on her.
The poop hits the fan.
I spend one year at art school in GA. That means I was away for two months, came back for two more, then left for four months straight, then I came back for summer which is 3 months. It was HARD. But we stayed together and used Skype to stay in touch. Year 2 at art school starts and I go away for the first 2 months. I come back for my 2 month winter break, she picks me up we are fine, and damn I am still totally in love with this girl.
So last Christmas she comes over and I give her a $200 dollar necklace, she always spoils me so she bought me some new videogames and some art books. She didn't seem impressed by my necklace at all... We make plans for new years to have my old high school friends over and just eat tons of food and watch the ball drop. New years arrives and we are having a blast catching up with my friends and she seems fine. That night we were also celebrating my 22nd birthday which is really on January 3rd but I was travelling to Georgia for school that day. The ball dropped and I went and wrapped my arms around her and leaned in and she darted into the kitchen and left me hanging there with no kiss. I followed her to find she had a cake with candles lit. So I thought it was no big deal, just a surprise. So Jan. 3rd comes, I turn 22 and she offers to drive me to the airport. We drive to the airport and listen to her favorite Beyonce and Rihanna songs. We joke and I tell her I'll miss her and she's the most important thing in the world to me. She acted normal, nothing out of place. She returned all of my affection. I have to get on the plane, I hold her for five minutes more, kiss her hands, and then give her a passionate kiss, tell her I love her, then turn around and proceeded through the security line.
I arrive in Georiga. I get into my little tiny dorm room. She calls to check up on me that night, and we have a good talk and she says I love and talk to you later. Normal.
Four days later. I get out of class, sit down at my computer, go to Facebook. I have a message. It reads:
"Hi Chris,
I know this isn't the best place to talk about this but I figured I can tell you here and then we can talk about it on the phone if you wanted to. I love you, and I will always love you but I think the reason why I've been sort of distant lately is because I don't feel the same way I use to towards our relationship. I don't really know what it is. It's not you. You have as wonderful as you have always been. I think that my heart has been growing distant; there isn't anyone else.
I dont think it's really fair to have you wondering where I am and why I haven't been calling you back. I haven't been avoiding you purposefully or anything. I have been to and from work this whole week. I think for this time, while we are away from each other, we should take a break. I love you. You have been the best to me. I just don't think it's fair to not have you know how I feel and keep on being distant towards you.
I love you."
Panic! Yes indeed. Huh? What? Something happened to her? Maybe some one has a gun to her head and wants her to break up with me. I was CONFUSED!! The note didn't even sound like her. And she didn't even call me to say it! She signs on AIM and says "Can we talk about it Wednesday? I'm in front of people and don't want to get emotional." I get upset and have no idea where this awful treatment came from. She calls me that night anyway and basically that's when I do some questioning. Since I'm a computer geek, the first thing I did was look for advice on the net. So with all that new advice I found here, I decided to not beg and tell her I don't want to get back together I just want to know why? She goes snowboarding the next day with her cousin. They takes pictures and post them on Facebook. She looks like she's having fun. Not even bothered by what just happened between us.
I try writing a letter of optimism and remind her of all the good times we've had over the years. She calls in return we chat about trivial stuff then she brings up the relationship. She "doesn't know" why but she thinks there's "doubt" that she has about me. She wants to be alone and single for now. She says "I'll never find anyone like you and if I do it will take a while." She says "I miss you and love you but I have NO REGRETS." HUHHH??
After two or three pointless phone calls I begin the no contact. Everyday that has passed, she has deleted me from her Facebook profile and today she deleted every photo of me and wrote this new load of crap about how she is outgoing and loves adventure and loves makeup but isn't afraid of digging in dirt for fun. Basically sounds like she is trying to make herself available to meeting new people and (I'm afraid) other guys. She has been so EAGER and QUICK to get rid of me! Why is she doing that? It tears me up! I'm taking Asian Art History and all I do is think about her throughout the entire 3 hour class. Today is day 13, I'm a wreck. I hear Beyonce or Rihanna and I cry like a friggin baby. I hate my life. I'm confined to this little dorm room with my PC, TV, and homework. I'm in a mental prison and I'm afraid of losing my mind. I know time is the only way to get past all this but I don't even know what I'm getting past. This came out of nowhere! I never even got to say goodbye to her (like for real not on facebook)!
I go home in 15 weeks.
Advice? Help? What do you think? :confused:
Need more guidance. Someone to listen.
******Threads merged*******
Hey everyone,
I posted a rather long summary of my breakup situation about two months ago. If you are interested in knowing the situation here's the link . Recent events have really made me feel bent out of shape about my breakup. At first I just accepted it for what it was and started taking it one day at a time. I have been quite miserable. We were together for three years. I'm in school 1,000 miles away from home where my ex girlfriend lives. She broke up with me for no apparent reason out of the blue after I had been here at school for 4 days. She wanted to stay with me while I was at school before... so something happened or changed her mind. I've been able to feel a little better with each week that passes.
So here's the thing. I have been doing the NC and its killing me. I didn't beg or plead with her believe it or not. The moment I found out she wanted a break, I came here for advice. So I have pretty much been doing the whole NC and "get your ex back" routine from day one. At first, she would message me on AIM whenever she wanted. I tried acting like I was fine and I was doing "real good". She always started by saying "How are you?" and I hated it but I started making it sound like I was doing great. Totally not true. I think about her every minute of every day. So I have stopped signing into AIM altogether. I was curious and signed on once or twice and she was indeed online. She's online a lot in general. She doesn't call, and I hope she will. I know that's not good but I'm dying to get a call from her. There isn't much to do when you are a digital design student who sits in front of his PC doing art work all day for school. My college doesn't have any real activities to participate in. So I spend my time in my dorm doing my school work. She used to be crazy about me and would get mad if I didn't call her at least every other day. Now, she seems like she's totally fine with not hearing from me again for the rest of eternity! How can someone flip a coin like that and switch their emotional connection on and off? I noticed there was a guy from her hometown that she handed her number out to willingly over Facebook a month or two ago. And then I noticed she asked him if he wanted to hang out and watch Back to the Future... which was something she and I did... as our special date night thing. So now she's offering herself to this guy it seems. And toda I sign on and find that she left him a comment saying "You are freaking awesome." She was with me for 3 years, how can she turn around after a month and be like this. She is not like that! Her behavior is so different from the girl I knew! She told me she doesn't know why we are breaking up she just doesn't feel we are supposed to be together right now. None of it makes any sense, she was very happy with me. She never brought anything up to talk about with me, nothing was wrong as far as I could see. Now I'm kind of just stuck here in this dorm, doing my work, and watching her through a window as she turns into a different person. And honestly, this guy she seems to be into, is kind of a redneck who she would TOTALLY never want to be with... well the girl I knew would not. She is picky with her guys. And she told me no guy would ever measure up to me... so... I'm lost, lonely, irritated, and shocked.
I have been at school for 2 months now. She broke up with me a couple of days after I got off the plane. I return home in 2 months, at that time I can see her to talk finally.
Input, guidance, and advice?
Update to my predicament. Painful breakup, college, and dealing with the pain.
Threads merged and edited again- Overworked moderator!
Hello everyone,
I can't believe I wrote this much. I apologize for the length of this post. I guess I needed to vent and get it all out...? Wow, I'd really appreciate anyone who takes the time to offer me help.
I posted back in March when I was at school in GA. I live in New England and go to school down there. Here is the link to my previous post from back then. It can help catch you up if you are interested.
So, in 2006, my first year at college, I met a girl. I'm old fashioned and picky so meeting her was really special because most people my age don't agree with the way I live my life. I'm an idealist, a Christian, and I try to live to be the very best man I can be. So I have trouble meeting girls that appreciate that. I should point out, I'm not stuck up, I don't think less of people, and I love enjoying life and all that. So we hit it off, we go out for three years. It was really the very best time of my entire life. Just good clean romance and fun. Unique times in my life. I'm not just glamorizing it. So on January 3rd right after my birthday, she drives me to the airport to return to school in GA. She spoiled me and bought me three video games and it was a real fun holiday season with her. At the airport, we hold each other for a half hour straight before I head to the gate and onto the plane. I give her a long kiss goodbye and we talk about how we can't wait until Summer to be back together. I get to my dorm in GA and 4 days later she breaks up with me via a Facebook message. She is cryptic and doesn't answer anything and doesn't return my phone call until 9 pm at night. So three years of bliss then that... I immediately consulted the internet for tips and advice and decided to go with the no contact gig.
My goal here has always been to get her back. Not to "move on". To be honest, aside from sitting around and working on my artwork and playing video games there isn't much to move on to. My mother and I live together, she is very negative and depressed and places a huge burden on me to keep her happy. She just broke up with her 3rd serious relationship right when my occurred. Her unhappiness drives me crazy and makes me that much more unhappy as well. I'm getting tired of working on crap alone in front of my computer! I like being social. All of my friends have moved away unfortunately.
SOO, back to my ex, I don't beg her and plead. Believe it or not I played the game from the start. I thought she would work a couple of those 12 hour overnight shifts at the factory she works at and then she'd remember how much she misses having someone who loves her. Weeks went by, I wouldn't hear from her. She took it well... WAY too well. I sort of knew something was wrong with that. That's not normal... 3 years together, talking to each other every single day, then over night nothing?? She sent me a text one night while I was riding the bus back to my dorm room in GA. She said "Hey I had an eventful day, how are you?" I tried to play it cool and said "I'm doing real good! Tell me about your day sometime." Weeks go by. I wrote the first post here. Then I get nervous. She was just taking it sooo well, aren't breakups supposed to be painful? I certainly was in pain, and still am actually. So when April starts, I decide to cut NC and see what happens. I call her twice during a week. I get zero response. I left no voicemail. So that didn't even make her curious. She signs onto AIM and I say hello, and just act very neutral and friendly. She says something like "We shouldn't be talking" and I'm like whoa what? She reveals that she thinks we should stop talking because she is trying to "deal with feelings she has for someone". I then crap my pants and fall over dead. Then I inquire politely even, trying to maintain my composure. She tells me his name and I ask how she managed to get so serious over someone in just a month and a half. I lose it and ask to hear her voice and she said she'd call me soon. She calls... and she's crying her eyes out over this guy because he told her he didn't like her and thinks nothing special of her. I pretty much don't know what the hell to do or say. After every sentence of hers she said something like, and I don't want to get back together! I wouldn't even ask! She would just fire that off at me! I'm trying to act cool and calm this whole time. I inquire some more, as fragile as possible. She says she met him at work. Then I realize that's the answer. She got the factory job maybe a year ago. And has been working 12 hour oever night shifts there ever since. She was just tired and grumpy when she came to see me all the time. She met this new guy there! They've been working together 12 hour shifts ever since last August! She even mentioned him once! I remember her telling me that she didn't mind work anymore because there was a friend she could joke around with to pass the time!
My time at school comes to an end. I cry myself to sleep every night. She says hi to me maybe twice by AIM and never calls me once! She just said hi once asked if I was OK. I said I'm fine but having a tough time at school focusing. I try to tell her my feelings finally. Since I was holding them in for months. She then says "Ok, well is there anything else you wanted to know? I just wanted to give you some answers and try to treat you better than I have." If I keep the conversation going she just says it again "Was there anything else you wanted?" As if this is a drive through window and she is supposed to be able to just enter and out of my life as she wants to and I'm supposed to be like "okay, that'll be it, have a nice day now, ya hear?"
She contacts a week before I come home on an airplane. She sounds happy/friendly for the first time since the breakup. She says things are going well with the new guy and was just wondering if I still wanted to meet up finally to talk and get closure when I get back home up North. She tells me she "misinterpreted" what the guy said about not liking her and they are "taking things slow". I'm reading that and thinking what the heck? I say "I think he sounds like he doesn't care about you." I asked "Why would you date someone who told you they don't think you are special?" She says "Hes getting better."... Can you believe that crapp? She is acting TOTALLY unlike herself and COMPLETELY out of her own character. Its like this is some different version of my old girlfriend. So she suddenly says "I was thinking we could maybe have lunch when you get back?" I agree calmly. We set a date to meet and a place to have lunch. I haven't seen her in 5 months remember. Last time I saw her I was giving her a long passionate kiss goodbye in January. I go to bed and sleep better than I had for the entire time I was at school. It was bliss and I had a burden lifted from me for one night... 8:00AM the next morning I get a text, I reach for my phone and its from her! I thinks its GREAT for a split second. She says "Hi, I dont think you and I can meet at all, we are dating now and I don't think its fair to him to see you. sorry bye." I call her right away hurt beyond belief. She picks up... I hear her voice for the first time in months. It was like talking to a stranger. I'll admit it, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't maintain my calm and cool anymore. I asked her why she would make plans just to cancel them the next morning. She had zero valid answers. They were all very selfish answers. She just kept saying I'm dating W(the new guy) now and not you. I'd say that's not fair! You aren't even going to see me to give me a well deserved face to face conversation? She says no, no , and no. I break down start crying, wondering where I went wrong. She starts the whole drive through thing asking "is that all?" and it pisses me off every time I hear it. I try to remind her of the three years we had. She says stop thinking about the past, there's nothing let for us. I don't care for you anymore. I told her "if you keep treating my like this, you may never hear from me again." she just said "I'm fine with it." I'm pretty much dumbfounded. Sitting there wondering where three years of my life went. And who this girl was on the phone.
I get my finals in and make straight A's. So friggin what. I get to fly home soon. I'm all packed soon and have nothing left in my room but my laptop sitting on the floor at 1AM the day I go home. I get a text on AIM from her right before I shut the computer down. "Hey, are you home yet?" I hesitate for 10 minutes. I reply "no." she comes back with "Oh ok" I decide it's a good idea to pretend I don't care anymore. Even though I do, the same I always had. I don't want her thinking I'm clingy or desperate. I pack up my laptop and fly home the next day. That's he last I heard from her.
I get off the airplane and see the very spot where I last saw her with my own eyes. I nearly break down. My depressed mother was standing there instead. She tells me I look really thin and unhealthy. I found out later I lost 15 pounds while at school. And uh, I'm already a really thin guy so this was kind of a big deal. I know my mom, first thing she is going to do is force me to apply for jobs all around town before even taking me home to relax and pull myself together after traveling all day. She does just that. I eventually get home to my room.
Every day since then, I wake up, apply for jobs online and every now and then go in town to search for jobs then comeback home and eat dinner alone in front of my PC. I've repeated that every single day since May 29th. I still can't get someone to hire me. I have heard nothing from my ex girlfriend.
I met a cute new girl online (I know that's kind of lame but I can't seem to meet girls in person that I think are a likely match for me) and we had a date set up to meet and go have fun at the beach. We seem to hit it off and talk on the phone for hours every night for about a week. She canceled the date the night before and told me she is thinking of getting back together with her ex who is 28 years old and has two kids. She's only 23 and a single college student. She loves him still she tells me, even though he took advantage of her for her money and never bought a gift or even a greeting card during their entire relationship. So I pretty much roll my eyes. Tell her she's making a mistake. And to spare me anymore details because it's a bad decision and I don't see how someone can be so connected to a guy who treats them like crap anyway.
I don't care about her. I just wanted to meet her and see if there were any sparks. But now she too doesn't want to meet me, not even for the first time. I'm over that, didn't care too much. I'm getting used to rejection.
That just left me thinking, "wow, I treated my ex so wonderfully, bought her tons of things, supported her ideas, her business ventures, drove her places, took vacations together, I thought we were emotionally in tune with each other, and both managed our own money. We had a really picture perfect relationship and I KNOW I was a great boyfriend. The contrast between this new girl going back with her crappy ex and my ex leaving me for a guy who doesn't even like her... it just makes me feel like I'm insane. I'm some kind of crazy person in a world where people don't ever see things the same way I do.
Truth is, nothing has gone right for me since the year 2009 began.
What am I doing wrong? Can anyone offer me advice of any kind pertaining to anything here?
I pray to God everyday to point me in the right direction. My mother is soooo depressed and comes crying to me every single day about HER breakup. I can't leave the house because I don't have gas money. My mother gets upset if I mention having a friend come up here to see me. I'm 22 years old by the way. Yes, I live with my mom, I'm a college student and not yet prepared to live on my own. I'm not a Mamas boy or whatever, I just look out for her because no one else does.
How can I stop this awful cycle?
After all these months, there's no light at the end of this tunnel! I miss my ex sooo bad, every day. I tried forgetting her. I tried being social and distracting myself. I try leaving it up to God. But I just exist here, feeling dormant. I can't seem to get it out of my brain. It stuck there tormenting me. I'm forcing myself not to contact her. Its like you all say, if she's interested, she'd contact me.
Thanks for taking the time to hear all this.
-Zigg
