I am dating a guy who is 36 ( I am 23). He is in amazing shape and attractive! For the most part he has treated me well and has done a lot for me. He has totally wined and dined me. This is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. We have fallen madly in love with each other after 4 months. Here is the issue... he does not like me out of his sight. He claims he gets nervous when I am not with him and I go out with my friends to drink, dance, and have a good time. After my night out he asks me 20 questions if I danced with anyone or if they danced with me. If any guys asked for my number or touched me. He makes threats that if another guy touches me and he sees it then he would break his neck. He says he is not controlling and wants me to have fun but does this sound like a guy who is NOT controlling? At one point he went as far to say that he only wants me to drink when he is around to protect me. He doesn't believe I should make any new male friends because we have each other and our old friends. Is he right? Am I just making a big deal out of a guy who really does love me? Or is his love dangerous?

As you know, this situation is not healthy.
This guy has the sound of some major insecurity issues. Have you learned anything about his past that would give a clue as this type of abnormal behavior? Was he cheated on by a past g/f? Does he think he's not good enough for you? I would lay it to him straight- you are in love with him but that his insecurity is scaring you/pushing you away. You need him to trust you for this to work. Try to get him to open up.
If this behavior continues get out.

PS- do the threats of violence toward other guys seem legit, is he a "lose his temper" type of guy, if this is the case RUN! 36 is way too old to be acting like a jealous little boy with too much testosterone.

You make some valid points. His angle with me was that he doesn't get jealous... ever ( I type this as I raise my eyebrow). He feels as though I am going to run back to my ex because I had an encounter with him while we were beginning to date. He claims he has never had that happen to him before ( I DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM! My ex and I hung out and that was it).

He thinks I act like a little girl when I "try to make him jealous"

When he was younger, he was the type of guy who would "lose it" but now he claims he is different and has left that behavior behind. He has never hurt me or touched me. As far as I am aware he has never touched any woman. I am wondering if I would be different because his addiction for me is something he has never experienced before...

This dude is 36 and threatens to "break someone's kneck" if they touch you... is he serious with that. I am sorry, but that is the thought and reaction of an 18 year old. Clearly he has some insecurity issues to work on. That is my take on it.

Well I told him that was very extreme and out of line.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but he is acting half his age, and frankly, I cannot stand guys that talk or think like that. If I were you, I would get out of this, it has Ike and Tina Turner written all over it. He is way too afraid of losing you, almost to the point of physical control.

LOL at the Ike and Tina comment. Do you honestly think it could resort to him PHYSICALLY harming me? Am I being to naïve to see it? From what I am aware he was never violent to his ex's in the past.

This is unhealthy. I understand that you love him... (I was once in a very similar situation) Unless you want the rest of your life to be like "reporting" back to someone, being controlled and under someone's thumb... you need to get out. I used to make excuses to that "it's just b/c he loves me so much" Ummmm an ENORMOUS part of a relationship is trust (I am sure he says he trusts you, it's the others he doesn't... been there done that) he has trust issues, period. Every aspect of your life will turn into you answering to him, you having to explain things to him, you not being able to have normal friendships with your girls and hang out... it will snowball from here...
He is insecure and jealous (even though he claims not to be). This is not a normal healthy relationship to be in, and there is no wining and dining that is worth your freedom as an individual.

His behavior is a slippery slope to more dangerous behavior. I would NEVER talk like that to one of my girlfriends (former/future). It screams low-class and blatant immaturity.

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Originally Posted by AmExp

LOL at the Ike and Tina comment. Do you honestly think it could resort to him PHYSICALLY harming me? Am I being to naive to see it? From what I am aware he was never violent to his ex's in the past.

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It can turn into that. My ex was abusine, not in that he raised a hand to me, but this type of action turned into mental/verbal/emotional abuse... it is a TERRIBLE thing to go through

I am just trying to figure out why I am "so special" to him. He is constantly telling me nice things about how I am beautiful and very pretty, but that if I work on my tummy I would be even MORE of a show-stopper. Yet he turns around and says he would love me at any size. I find that hard to believe because his relationship with his ex-wife partly fizzled because she let herself go. He also like to tell me from time to time that, "he could have any girl he wants." I find myself confused at times...

You are enamored by his tactics at whining and dining you, but that isn't really who he is, and I think you know that. Your last post is littered with red flags... flags that go up around a complete control freak.

LEAVE! Yes, if that is your pic, you are beautiful, and I would not want to be in a relationship such as the one you are in.

From the last comment you made... is this someone thaty you would want to spend your life with? What if you had children and didn't lose weight right away? What if he didn't see you as a "show stopper"?
I heard it all before about how it is hard to date the "hot girl"... and that's where the "protection" comes into play... Puh-lease... If he truly was in LOVE with you as a person, he would trust you when you are out and have no problems with you doing so. He would not play the million and one questions game and he would believe you when you told him you love him and are just hanging out with people...

I'm still hung up on this comment a few posts ago:

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Originally Posted by AmExp

He thinks I act like a little girl when I "try to make him jealous"

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Do you intentionally try to make him jealous? You said "when I try to make him jealous."

If this is the case, then you've created this problem... Kind of like praying for rain and not wanting to deal with mud...

Ok but I want to make sure I get the most authentic answer. He dated his best friend of 12 years for a year ( when they were younger). She is STILL madly in love with him although she has gotten much better. Before it was just strange that she could not move on and date again. I am glad she finally has. Anyway, if he was so abusive, then wouldn't he have done the same thing to her? How could their friendship last 12 years if he was that bad? I personally do not find her that attractive... a semi-cute 34 year old Barbara Streisand and his ex wife looks like a heavy set version of Genine Gerafalo. Am I missing something?

You are new to this relationship and it is a relationship,not ownership.If he is displaying this behavior during the *honeymoon* phase,it is a red flag.

This type of controlling jealous behavior only escalates and in a year ,you may be so under his thumb as to not be able to make a move without his permission.

He is most likely feeling his age and feels insecure about his ability to keep someone thirteen years his junior satisfied.

Proceed with caution. Make it clear to him now that you will not tolerate jealousy and that if he continues to mistrust your judgment,perhaps you are not as well suited at you thought.

Nip it in the bud.You have no obligation to answer to him about your every move.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

I'm still hung up on this comment a few posts ago:



Do you intentionally try to make him jealous? You said "when I try to make him jealous."

If this is the case, then you've created this problem.... Kind of like praying for rain and not wanting to deal with mud....

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I am a naturally giggly person. Sometimes I giggle at inappropriate times. When we are laying in bed and watching TV or whatever and I get a text and it is funny, then I giggle. He thinks I try to hide my phone from him. He asks me who it is and I tell him and he STILL thinks I am lying. I usually have to show him to prove it or sometimes I don't show him just so he knows he cannot bully me into showing him. He has requested that I announce the incoming callers name when I answer the phone like this, " Hello?"... "Oh, hey (insert name here)." So that he will not have to try and figure out who I am talking to.

I have an in law who is 34 dating a 21 year old and this sounds exactly like their relationship. He "trust her" yet he grills her whenever she walks in the door after being anywhere without him. He even gets mad at me when I talk to her and I'm married to his cousin.

I always thought it was a little strange that a 34 year old was dating a 21 year old they really have nothing in common and his response to me was this is a trophy girl how many 34 year old do you see with a 21 year old.

I swear he doesn't even care about her he just likes the fact that she is very good looking and young and he knows how to control her. I tell her all the time to leave him she hasn't yet but she is tired of going out and then getting grilled by her parole officer I mean her boyfriend when she comes home.

I'm not saying your relationship is like theirs but if it is leave now because his girlfriend gets more and more miserable everyday and I really feel bad for her she is a very nice person and she doesn't deserve the grilling every time she goes out.

I agree DSMom. He does have his short-comings (we all do), but I honestly have to say this relationship is seriously the best one I have been in. I admit that my hanging out with an ex and not being honest about it certainly did NOT help. I apologized and this was over 3 weeks ago and I am still hearing about it and getting side comments from him. He does pretty give me whatever I want and never says no.

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Originally Posted by AmExp

I am a naturally giggly person. Sometimes I giggle at inappropriate times. When we are laying in bed and watching tv or whatever and I get a text and it is funny, then I giggle. He thinks I try to hide my phone from him. He asks me who it is and I tell him and he STILL thinks I am lying. I usually have to show him to prove it or sometimes I don't show him just so he knows he cannot bully me into showing him. He has requested that I announce the incoming callers name when I answer the phone like this, " Hello?"..."Oh, hey (insert name here)." So that he will not have to try and figure out who I am talking to.

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Are you serious??

As I said before... been there done that, how ridiculous! (I say this because I went through the same types of things and after finally benf free from that &$*@#$@ <-- my ex, I can call it rediculous)

You may not let him "bully you into showing him" but it will be a matter of time until he goes through you're your phone himself... if it is always with you he will do it when you are in the shower, or sleeping, or in the bathroom (if he hasn't already)

This is not healthy, stable, behavior

If this helps at all... I believe his ex-wife was controlling because she was the bread winner. According to him, I am not a fling or a phase. He really wants to be with me for the long haul. Of course we are just taking things day by day.

Spitvenom, I would say that I am grilled when I return from an evening out. I mean, it is normal for a guy to never want his girl out of his sight unless she is at school or the gym?

Too late, he has already gone through it. I am not innocent on that one... I have gone through his phone too. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I did have some trust issues, but then they subsided as I realized that this guy does want to be with me. I slipped up and told him that I used to check his Blackberry. Now he erases all of his text messages. But I am not as concerned seeing that he allows me to announce a text or call if he has missed it.

It seems like you're at a point in your life where you want to have fun, be flirty, enjoy life, and be the bubbly person that you are... and he's not. I think there is nothing wrong with being a giggly, flirty person if that is who you are... the thing is... your boyfriend fell in love with that person. Changing what you are for him is not being true to yourself.

That being said, he's a 36 year old man who has been married and divorced, in and out of relationships, and has seen 13 more years of love than you. Maybe he wants someone "out" of the flirty 20's... maybe he doesn't want to "settle down" but wants more stability; more maturity.

(I'm playing devil's advocate here... )

Maybe he feels that you're being immature. Maybe he has learned in the past four months that you like to flirt with guys and don't care what he thinks about it. Maybe he has reason to suspect that you're entertaining more of a friendship with your ex. Maybe he has every right to feel jealous because you're playing on those emotions.

By comparing your "prettiness" to his exes, you simply say "I'm better than them. I'm prettier. You should love me more because I look better." Rather than knowing that he is in love with you, with you, and has chosen YOU as his partner.


You need to decide if this guy is worth putting up with his insecurities. Maybe it is time to stop flirting.

Devil's advocate finished. :)

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Originally Posted by AmExp

If this helps at all...I believe his ex-wife was controlling because she was the bread winner. According to him, I am not a fling or a phase. He really wants to be with me for the long haul. Of course we are just taking things day by day.

Spitvenom, I would say that I am grilled when I return from an evening out. I mean, it is normal for a guy to never want his girl out of his sight unless she is at school or the gym??

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Hun, we are all telling you that this is not a good thing! If you were truly happy in your relationship, you would not be here making this post. You know that something is wrong, but right now do not want to face that this is seriously unhealthy. That is understandable, I was in/out of that ridiculous "relationship" with my ex for FIVE LONG YEARS... he controlled me, grilled me, went through my phone, etc etc etc...

I would hate for someone to have to go through the things I did. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but the behavior will lead to some sort of abuse... as I said, I have not been beaten by my ex, but the verbal/mental/emotional scars that I was given -b/c of the way he developed his "protectiveness" into that form of abuse- are things I will carry with me forever

Right again. I do want to state that I am happy. I do feel that there should not be unwanted stress in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Of course he would probably blame me for creating "drama". I am a flirty, young, 20-something woman. I mean, what did he think he was getting into seeing that he is 36?? Do older man really want bragging rights that they are dating a young and 20-something woman?? Does that make them feel special?

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Right again. I do want to state that I am happy. I do feel that there should not be unwanted stress in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Of course he would probably blame me for creating "drama". I am a flirty, young, 20-something woman. I mean, what did he think he was getting into seeing that he is 36??? Do older man really want bragging rights that they are dating a young and 20-something woman??? Does that make them feel special?

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Yes... some do actually think that way. Sad, but true.

You may be happy... now, however you are questioning your happiness down the road if you are posting this. I think that you see that this is not "right". Not the way someone should behave in a loving, trustful relationship...

I just hope I did not create the distrust. I am wanting to believe this was a problem he had and it surfaced once we became more involved. I am still wondering what makes me so special compared to his past relationships. He considers his ex's attractive as well...

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Spitvenom, I would say that I am grilled when I return from an evening out. I mean, it is normal for a guy to never want his girl out of his sight unless she is at school or the gym??

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No that is not normal! I would love to be with her 24/7 but that just is not healthy. I feel like if you spend all your free time with one person you become a different person.

We do usually spend much of our time together. We see each other every night. At times when it becomes too much we have a little spat and then we are fine. He is away doing business and will fly into town during the weekends. I believe he has one of his little minions watching me.

Wait a second, are you serious that you think one of his friends keeps tabs on you? Seriously.

I think he has had these issues for a while. To be honest he sounds kind of vain. He brags how all of his exes are attractive, he doesn't tell you no for anything, wines and dines, there is more to life than materialistic things which seems to be what he is interested in.

What makes you so special? You are beautiful and YOUNG, like a prize on his arm...

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Originally Posted by AmExp

We do usually spend much of our time together. We see each other every night. At times when it becomes to much we have a little spat and then we are fine. He is away doing business and will fly into town during the weekends. I believe he has one of his little minions watching me.

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ARE YOU SERIOUS?

PLEASE get out of this... I used to be "watched" or "checked up on" too...

You are just vommiting out reasons you shouldn't be dating him... at some point, you are goint to look in the trash can you are spewing into and see all of the red flags... hopefully it won't be too late.

DSMom... yes, he is very materialistic and vain. He didn't have much growing up and I think some how that has translated into his adult life. Also, he is man with a boy-ish appearance ( a pretty boy) which is hard to come by in older men.

Think muscle-bound meat head... with a college degree and many skills.

Spitvenom, yes, one of his friends is seeing a woman who ironically lives in my building...

Kctiger... lol at your earlier comment about being low-class.

I really do feel loved I am just trying to figure out how I should address these issues with him.

DSMom, what made you finally leave your relationship with the guy?

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Kctiger...lol at your earlier comment about being low-class.

I really do feel loved I am just trying to figure out how I hould address these issues to him.
DSMom, what made you finally leave your relationship with the guy?

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You tell him to grow the f*** up, period!

You probably don't want to hear this, but you need to. None of us here have anything specific to gain from giving you this advice so keep that in mind.

Seriously, get out. Now. This guy sounds like he doesn't have his head screwed on right. Jealousy = insecurity. One of my ex's had an ex-husband that would basically control her the way you're saying you're being treated now. He was 15 years her senior.

Sure, at first it started like with many of the similar things that this guy has been doing to you. Demanded that she didn't talk to other men, always had to be in his presence, etc. Over the years it slowly escalated into physical abuse, to the point where he threw her out of a car and basically attempted to kill her. Needless to say they're divorced and her life has been all the better ever since.

Physical threats of violence to other men = bad. Who knows what would happen if he made a threat to the wrong guy and you're caught in the middle? That's bad juju.

But hey, it is your life. I can see a ton of red flags here. Its up to you to make the decision to stay or go... and the common census here is that you should go. If you truly value yourself, you wouldn't put up with this kind of treatment.

ALSO, he wanted a detailed account of my past sexual history and how the guys performed (no, he is not gay). Where they are currently, what they are doing, how long we dated and when we dated. Is this strange??

FLASHBACK!! I was dating a fella 32 and I was 22, he used to show up at my flat with flowers at 2 in the morning when he knew I had college the next day because 2 guy friends lived in the same block. He used to say I was gorgeous and why was I going with him and in the same breathe say the gym going should kick in soon,while patting my stomach!! He told me I didn't have the legs for skirts, I shouldn't trust my friends because they were "jealous of me" RUN NOW this man what's to get you young and train you up! He thinks you don't know any better and he can make you into what he wants, believe me. Oh and if he's like this after 4 months(I've had dishes in my sink for longer - college days) imagine in a year, 5 years, people with this kind of personality don't change they just become more possessive