Hello,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, well when I met him I was drinking a lot and was in another abusive relationship that he helped me get out of. He even helped me to stop drinking.
The first month we were together I cheated on him, and slipped and was drinking.
He took me back but it seems every month he gets really angry at me, he breaks up with me and then takes me back.
I haven't cheated on him again and I got into counseling. Today was going great when we were talking on the phone then when I went to his house he blew up at me, I feel about two feet tall now. He said some really hurtful things to me. I guess I just want to know if I deserve the way he is treating me because I cheated two years ago. I love him so much and I have said I'm sorry more times that I can count. I just feel like crying all the time because I have tried everything and nothing works.

Hello k3441,

Of course you must understand that you've scarred your boyfriend through your behaviour. On the other hand, his retaliation after all this time and your countless apologies is quite troublesome.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he's paranoid or has a complex of somesorts. He might still have the impression that you're cheating on him, not only because of you but maybe also because of past relationships with women who cheated on him.

I advise you to talk it out with him - make it clear to him that you want to know what's making him burst all the time so that in the future that kind of situation can be avoided.

Moreover, are you committed enough? Maybe you don't see him often, or vice-versa ; that could be making him suspicous.

However maybe he is bursting because of other reasons. Whatever it may be, talk it out with him in a gentle manner, don't make him get defensive ; give him a chance to say what he has to stay - listen to him and work together to fix the problem.

Hope I helped,

-Xm8

I know I have scared him and lost his trust, When we aren't fighting I spend a lot of time over at his house. Things go really great for about a month and then he just brings everything up. I have been honest with him and told him how I feel and how I would never hurt him again. When we are getting along he says he knows I'm sorry and that he loves me and knows that I love him! I am so confused! Do you ever think he will really forgive me? My heart is breaking and I don't know how else to fix this I've tried everything but still I don't want to give up. Thanks for replying I appreciate your help!
Kelly

Kelly,

If you are getting along with your boyfriend most of the time, I think that he means it when he says that he loves you, that he knows you love him and wouldn't hurt him again.

However, these outbursts must come to a stop. You have two choices :

Either you let things go and hope that with time your boyfriend will stop bringing up those matters or you start being firm with him.

Being firm in the sense that the next time he creates another outburst, don't talk to him for a few days. You have to make it clear to him that you are not to be taken for granted.

If he wants to be in a relationship with you he has to treat you with respect. I'm sure he does that, but bringing up these subjects over and over again does count as some form of mistreatment.

I'm not saying you should break it off (unless you think you absolutely have to) but just let him think about what he's missing when you don't contact him for 1 or 2 days. That kick in the butt might be the way to make things work.

I hope I'm helping.. I just can't think of anything else that could be done.

Take care,

-Xm8

I think your dependence on him is as bad as your drinking. Leave them both alone.

Sorry!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your dependence on him is as bad as your drinking. Leave them both alone.

Sorry!!

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It's OK, I just wanted to say I don't drink anymore, and yes I may depend on him from time to time.
I've tried to go my own way but after a few days he always calls or emails me. Maybe I just need to be stronger. It's hard enough to let go then when he calls apologizing it makes it that much harder!
Thanks for your reply though I appreciate it!
Kelly

Kelly,
Only you can stop your drinking problem. Not a boy, not a Mom, not your child, not God, not the cat sitting on the pavement across the street.

Did it ever occur to you, that your current boyfriend (of two years) hand-selected you out of a million girls - to claim as his very own, because he KNOWS that your self-esteem is low, and that you drink?

You met him at a very low point in your life. He saw that you were making BAD choices for yourself, and so, he "swooped" in to rescue you, just like Prince Charming.

Do you really believe that an incredibly wonderful, intelligent, strong, independent, rich, handsome, PERFECT man would think to date a girl (YOU) who was an out-of-control DRUNK, and stuck in-the-middle-of-an-abusive-relationship ? What fairy tale is this? GOOD MEN desire GOOD WOMEN. Not to say that you're not a good person. I'm sure you are lovely, and have a great heart.

I am sorry to tell you - but I think you've attracted a loser. Be very careful. The fighting and accusations, and the loss of respect is the telltale sign... this one is not a keeper. Please get some help - and stay away from the boys until you learn to stand on your own two feet.

Kelly,

He was nice to you on the phone. He waited, WAITED until you were there in person to berate you.

Why are you with someone as dangerous as this? This is abusive times 1000.

Please remove yourself - WITHOUT TELLING HIM YOU'RE LEAVING, and get far away.


Don't text
Don't call
Don't email
Don't stalk
Don't speak

Get away. He's dragging you down with him.

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Originally Posted by Bonnie46

Kelly,

He was nice to you on the phone. He waited, WAITED until you were there in person to berate you.

why are you with someone as dangerous as this? This is abusive times 1000.

Please remove yourself - WITHOUT TELLING HIM YOU'RE LEAVING, and get far away.


don't text
don't call
don't email
don't stalk
don't speak

get away. He's dragging you down with him.

---

Thanks I think I was just waiting for someone to say what he was doing was abusive. I know I screwed up by cheating but I also went to counseling for things I've done and I don't drink anymore and haven't for a long time.
He has never hit me but he just won't leave what I did alone and thinks like today I should sit there and take his hurt as he calls it. I'm going to take your advise and hope that I will be strong and walk away!
Thanks

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bonnie46

Kelly,

He was nice to you on the phone. He waited, WAITED until you were there in person to berate you.

why are you with someone as dangerous as this? This is abusive times 1000.

Please remove yourself - WITHOUT TELLING HIM YOU'RE LEAVING, and get far away.


don't text
don't call
don't email
don't stalk
don't speak

get away. He's dragging you down with him.

---

I also wanted to say that I've always thought I deserved how he was being because I cheated on him but I thought it would get better!

Hi Kelly,

I don't mean to be so blunt...

Please don't beat yourself up about cheating in the past. It happened a long time ago.

Have you been nice to him recently? If you answer "yes" and he's still yelling at you for silly things (not important things) then maybe this guy isn't a good fit for you.


Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a woman. Being a woman is such a great thing - it's so special. We can do so many incredible things. Please don't ever doubt yourself.
You can be clean, (no drinking) and you can be smart and you can be beautiful. Just look in the mirror and repeat this to yourself: "i AM worth it." "I AM WORTH IT" over and over again - 50,000 times - until you BELIEVE it.

I have faith that you can do this. You can do the right thing. It's awful now, but you can get past this and move forward into a new, fresh life.

Each day you wake up, it can be the start of a new day.

Hang in there.

Xoxoxo

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Originally Posted by k3441

I also wanted to say that I've always thought I deserved how he was being because I cheated on him but I thought it would get better!

---

Kelly, you made a mistake and you slept with another guy. You cheated. Big deal. Your boyfriend may not strike you with his hand or fist, but he IS striking your heart and your mind (or thoughts) with his tongue.

You must forgive yourself for cheating, and now protect yourself. You deserve to have love and laughter and feel free and happy. You deserve everything in the world. Please believe me.

You deserve the greatest EVERYTHING that this world can give you. You have to make yourself acknowledge and BELIEVE this.

Unfortunately - if/when a relationship doesn't start "perfect", it rarely gets better. It's just one of those life things. You can't change him, but you can change your behaviour - by moving away from him.

I know you're strong enough. Xo

I have to say that yes you did a bad thing two years ago, and yes you broke his trust... but it was two years ago, and you have repented it, you haven't done it again... and when he stayed with you he might have had issues with it, but if he is unable to let it go... and keeps bringing it up on a regular basis... that's a bad sign

When he is unable to let it go and continues to take this out on you- verbally, once every month or so... that is a big problem! And it is a form of abuse.

And verbal abuse can do as much damage as physical abuse!

Some people rescues others out of bad relationships, because they are people who wish you the best and some do it because they hand pick you:
B/c you suit their needs... whether that is a need to have someone that depend on them that they can take care of or someone that they control.


And I do agree with tal, that you have a dependency upon this guy that is as unhealthy for you as your drinking. What you do need to do is to let go of him and start depending on you and start to learn how to take care of yourself and dealing with your problems on your own. And of course there are a lot of different groups out there and professionals who can help you so that you don't drink.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

I have to say that yes you did a bad thing two years ago, and yes you broke his trust... but it was two years ago, and you have repented it, you haven't done it again... and when he stayed with you he might have had issues with it, but if he is unable to let it go... and keeps bringing it up on a regular basis... thats a bad sign

when he is unable to let it go and continues to take this out on you- verbally, once every month or so... that is a big problem! And it is a form of abuse.

and verbal abuse can do as much damage as physical abuse!

some ppl rescues others out of bad relationships, b/c they are ppl who wish you the best and some do it b/c they hand pick you:
B/c you suit their needs... whether that is a need to have someone that depend on them that they can take care of or someone that they control.


and I do agree with tal, that you have a dependency upon this guy that is as unhealthy for you as your drinking. What you do need to do is to let go of him and start depending on you and start to learn how to take care of yourself and dealing with your problems on your own. And of course there are a lot of different groups out there and professionals who can help you so that you don't drink.

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Thanks for your reply, I know all to well about the effects of abuse and how damaging it can be! I just thought that since I did that to him I deserved it and he says it will be that way until I fix it... What else can I do I'm not god... I'm leaning towards taking all of the advice I have been given here and try to think about me now! It's going to be so hard and a lot of tears are going to fall because I do love him. I know now it's not going to work... so thanks for your reply.

He has defiantly had that 'advantage', of you having done something wrong and then using it against you. :( I hope you figure out of it!

Ok so I haven't had any kind of contact with my x, but I went on a forum that we both belong too for Tv stuff he posted a thread in there about cheaters. I'm being made out to be a monster when in fact I have simply made a mistake. It isn't true once a cheater always a cheater because I would never do it again that's for sure. I find there aren't many forgiving people in the world after reading some posts here and there about cheaters. Everyone deserves a second chance I think.

When you get cheated on, then you can make a decision to go back, and give them a second chance. But for now its his choice. And he obviously hasn't gotten over it.

This is what you call paying the consequences for your actions.

Not everyone deserves a second chance, there are people that come on here and don't care about their actions. If you are truly sorry, then we will point you in the direction of repairing your relationship but ultimately, most people on here have been cheated on. You won't find sympathy from them, it's just not in our blood anymore. I don't see how there can be any logical excuse for cheating. Own up to the action and then it's in the other persons hands.

Romefalls19 is being honest about it. After being cheated on, you have 0 tolerance for it.
If I ever get cheated on again by a girlfriend I will drop her like a hot potato because I am no ones punch bag anymore.

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I don't see how there can be any logical excuse for cheating.

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Exactly. There is absolutely no logical or good enough reason for cheating. "I was drunk" or "I didn't know what I was doing" - sorry but no, that just doesn't un-do what's been done.

Once you cross the line, and cheat on someone who loves you - forget it. If you're lucky that person will forgive you if they can find it in their heart to do so. It's all about trust, and when you cheat on someone, they lose that trust that they put in you.

I hope this has been a valuable lesson to you. I'm not in a position to judge whether your boyfriend is over reacting or not... That is for you to decide, and then take a decision to break it off or not.

Good luck,

-Xm8

Some people cantruly forgive.That means that every time they get ticked off about something they don't rub your nose in your past poop.

Some people say they forgive and may clearly want to but just never will. I think that is where you are at here.

Two years is a long time to harbor this grief and if he can't let go of it ,then you should let go of him.

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Originally Posted by k3441

...I'm being made out to be a monster when infact I have simply made a mistake. It isn't true once a cheater always a cheater because I would never do it again that's for sure. I find there aren't many forgiving people in the world after reading some posts here and there about cheaters. Everyone deserves a second chance I think.

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I have a problem with that and here's why: you're talking as if you're the victim. I read "everyone deserves a second chance" and "it was a simple mistake" as "I refuse to held responsible". You're trying to soften your choice--you didn't slip on a banana peel and wind up naked with some other guy--to cheat instead up owning up to it fully. You're making it sound as if it's not as bad as everyone seems to think it is. Well I got news for you, it is bad, real bad, and the fact that it happened two years ago don't matter: people don't forget.

Cheating in a relationship is the ultimate form of disrespect, and there is no amount of time can change that. He won't stop acting this way because he feels you don't deserve any better. His friends are probably putting thoughts in his head too; this is a battle you can't win.

And, if you two are still together, he shouldn't be treating you that way, he shouldn't even yell at you, no man should treat his woman in such ways, but it's your decision to stay in yet another destructive relationship.

We all fall down at some point and make bad choices, but it's the smart ones who realize the magnitude of what they've done and do their best to learn from it. From the way you talk, it just doesn't seem like you've fully come to terms with it.

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Originally Posted by Bonnie46

Kelly, you made a mistake and you slept with another guy. You cheated. big deal. Your boyfriend may not strike you with his hand or fist, but he IS striking your heart and your mind (or thoughts) with his tongue.

You must forgive yourself for cheating, and now protect yourself. You deserve to have love and laughter and feel free and happy. You deserve everything in the world. Please believe me.

You deserve the greatest EVERYTHING that this world can give you. You have to make yourself acknowledge and BELIEVE this.

unfortunately - if/when a relationship doesn't start out "perfect", it rarely gets better. it's just one of those life things. you can't change him, but you can change your behaviour - by moving away from him.

I know you're strong enough. xo

---

Not only is that the wrong thing to say (cheating is not a big deal?), that is the phoniest post I've read this week. You're either really young or a serial cheater yourself.

I don't think I am the victim for what I have done, I am really discusted in myself in a bad way for it! I got into counseling and I have apologized countless times and have tried to make it up to him. I think cheating is a big deal and I was stupid to do it!

Forgive yourself, and move on, with a good lesson under your belt.

K: you should take tals advice, and I do believe you have repented, but seeing as he still has problems with it... it might be time for you to move on and get out! He will prob never get over it, like slapshot said, no matter how much time passes.

So the only thing you can do now, for yourself is to get out and move on. This relationship doesn't sound healthy on either of you, and that is no way to live life. Life is simply too short for that.

I heednhelp
Mbledeedingi

What more can we tell you? I know it's not a nice thing to say but you messed up and caused this in the first place. Now that you've repented at least you can walk away from this relationship knowing that a) you apologized and meant it b) that you've learnt a new lesson : DON'T CHEAT

I think that is sufficient reason for you to move on now isn't it? After all you just can't work it out anymore.


-Xm8

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Originally Posted by k3441

I don't think I am the victim for what I have done, I am really discusted in myself in a bad way for it! I got into councelling and I have apologized countless times and have tried to make it up to him. I think cheating is a big deal and I was stupid to do it!

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Being disgusted with yourself ain't any better, that's dual of acting as if it didn't really happen.

You should look at it in a positive light and learn from it. I've been the cheated and the cheater and I've learned so much, I'm glad they both happened while I was young. I was angry at the time when I found out my ex cheated on me, but after I got over her I sorted out all the pieces and realized what caused her to do it and now I feel more prepared than before.

I agree and slightly disagree with some of the posts.

Yes, cheating is a horrible thing, there's no excuse, it's hurtful, harmful and downright cruel, but, he forgave you, took you back and then continued to remind you of your past mistake.

He hasn't forgiven you, he never will. This is a love hate relatioship, it won't get better.

So your options are this, leave him, realize you made a mistake, forgive yourself for that mistake and make sure you never do it again. Find your happiness with someone else, because he's only making you miserable, that's not love.

Second option, put up with his anger, his hatred, and the fact that he'll never let this go. Be miserable, constantly tell him how sorry you are, realize that no amount of "I'm sorry's" is ever going to make a difference and just accept it.

How long do you plan on punishing yourself? Yes, you made a mistake, yes, it was a horrible mistake, yes, you had a choice and you made the wrong one. The choices you make now are up to you and only you.

I've been a cheater, it was a long time ago, I was young, stupid and didn't give a darn about anyone, so I do have to say that not all cheaters remain cheaters. I've been with my husband for 19 years, I've never cheated on him, never will, that's part of my past, I've made peace with it, that's what you have to do too.

Great, more info about me. :(

I agree it is time for me to move on. It's going to be hard sad road for awhile but it's what I have to do. No sense spending so much time on a losing battle. I will learn from my mistakes and not repeat them in my next relationship. Thanks to all who have helped me out with this...

Just an update on how things are going, I'm starting to go to AA meetings, and I'm also going to attend counseling more often.
Things are tuff right now but I think they will eventually start getting better!

I really appreciate all the help from you all, even if some of it was slightly hurtful but I know some things needed to be said. So Thanks.