 |
I was engaged to my ex for a couple of years. We split up around 9 months ago, because I couldn't keep it in my pants. I wasn't able to face what I had done so I avoided her completely, but I regret this. I do owe her some form of apology, but I've moved away so the chances of bumping into her are zilch. Any ideas?
Leave it alone, she is probably trying to heal her wounds, hearing from you would only tear at the scabs.
Forgive yourself, and move on. Rome is right, just leave her alone. You think that in order for you to be able to feel good about yourself, you must repent to her, which isn't the case. Once you can learn to forgive yourself, then you will have the closure that I assume you are looking for. Seek your own forgiveness, and just let the rest go.
I agree with both Rome and KC. No point in causing her, and yourself, more pain by contacting her and apologizing.
Just try and let all of this go and don't repeat your mistakes with your next girl.
Ok guys, I'll leave it as it is.. that's the easiest thing to do anyway.
Hope you have learned to keep it in your pants!
If someone did that to me,I think I would love an apology.She may be still wondering what she did wrong and why she wasn't enough for you.I think it's a good idea as long as you make her understand you want nothing more than to say sorry and let her know it was you not her that had the problem.
Hallmark has cards for everything! I'm sure there is one for a cheating guy,just make it personal and speak from the heart.
I'm a woman.. don't listen to these guys... their men... they are into the NC thing so much,they don't look at other possibilities ;)
Make it clear your intention is just to let her know she did nothing to deserve that.No strings attached and it will be great,I think she will like it :D
Well I recently met my ex and we sat down and we chatted and he said sorry for some of the ways that he treated me and it was really nice to know that he saw what our relationship was and that he respected it and me enough to tell me.
I'm for telling her.
I think I'll go with the ladies on this and attempt an apology, wish it could be done face to face mind you.. a card just doesn't seem the best way to get across a proper heartfelt ' I am sorry ' Ever since I moved away ( I got promoted ) I just can't seem to stop thinking about her. Even when I'm with the girl I'm seeing now (it's nothing serious) when I look at her (during those special moments) I see my ex. Sounds pretty weird but I'm sure they have identical eyes to one another. My promotion has been a significant landmark so far but it feels like I'm only half experiencing or should I say I'm only half enjoying my life without her. I come from an Italian family and my ex became very much a part of our functionality and to my shear shock/delight she was and still is adored by my mother, who always manages to slip some sort of argument concerning what I did into every conversation I now have with her.
Anyway last night a friend calls me tells me the ex dropped by his work place and wanted to know how I was etc I can't actually put into words how I felt when I was hearing about this. The guilt I'm carrying around with me is slowly but surely killing me.
What should I do?
You sound like you don't want to give her an apology. You sound like you want to be forgiven. Apologising can't guarantee that, it probably won't happen. It also sounds as though your still into her. Trying to get back with her with demean the genuineness of your apology.
If your going to apologise then you need to do it for the right reasons, to relieve her pain and mistrust and to put your relationship to bed.
Any other reasons and you'll more than likely just hurt her more.
I know deep down that I could never tell anyone my true feelings about this. Everyone thinks I cheated, ran away and now I'm happy. I could never tell her that I still have feelings for her, the thought is just too terrifying. I know I made my bed so to speak and I'm not looking for sympathy but I really do just want these feelings to vanish. It has been a long time, but it's all just getting worse. Karma ey? It really does kick you in the azz.
Karma's a b*tch it's true but if you lay down with dogs you get flees.
I revoke my answer in telling her, you are doing it to ease your conscience and that is not her concern.
When you have healed and you have the ability to say sorry and really mean it in the true sense of the word, without expecting anything in return, not love or friendship, forgiveness or anything else.
Then yes, tell her. She deserves to know that she has done nothing wrong and it is your mistake made. But until you can separate yourself and your feelings of guilt from this it is only selfish.
You're right. I won't actively make an effort to do anything right now. Heck I haven't contacted her once about anything. Pretty much left most of my belongings in her flat and got my brother to sort out all the little loose ends. If I manage to bump into her on my occasional visits back home, she will get the apology she deserves, with no strings attached on my behalf.Quote:
Originally Posted by neverme
I'm glad you can see your situation for what it is, it takes a big man.
Me myself have been in counseling for my issues one being that I cheated on my b/f and I have learned it is really important to apologize for things you do to others and let them know it wasn't there fault in anyway!
I really can't get her off my mind. I want to speak/see/touch her so badly. I had no right to walk out on her the way I did after what I had done and I have no right trying to get back into her life now as I've left it for so long. I honestly don't know if it's her or just her forgiveness I'm needing. This isn't getting better with time :(
It was pretty crappy what you did, but I guess you already know that. I think you should go for the apology. But keep it simple and make sure she know that your intentions are just for saying sorry. No more!
In time it will get better, and then your apology will be real, and genuine, because you will forgive yourself, by never repeating your bad behavior.
It won't happen again. I guess its OK to love someone and not be with them right?
Yes it is.
Her asking about you doesn't mean that she wants you back but can simply means that she ask about you because she just wants to know how your doing.
Sometimes when you do someone wrong no matter what you say can make that person overcome what you did and it's almost like reopening a wound and I pretty sure you messed her up and damage her trust for the next guy.
The only you can do at this point is learn from it and don't repeat the same misery for the next person in your life. It's not uncommon to feel the way you especiallly since you was in the wrong. Guilt is eating you up inside but you have to deal with it because you made the bed and have to deal with it. The curtains are closed. So move past it and don't, I mean don't, repeat the same mistake in future and value a good woman when you have one because believe it or not but we are a dime a dozen and regardless at what you throw at us we stay strong.
See this is what happens when you cheat. I'm glad to hear that you are understanding how badly you hurt her, but any apology has to be from the heart, and with absolutely no expectations at all... period! You burned that bridge. You can, and hopefully you have learned from what you did to her. You don't play with the hearts of people. We carry these things onto the next relationship, and you carved your mark on the slate of her relationship history. Please don't apologise if it is just for you, and to make you not feel like such a jerk. If you can do it just for her, and you've put some honest thought into it?. then that's great. Please learn from this, and know that a cheater is not good material for an honest and respectful relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by saynotosake
Just out of curiosity, is she able to get a hold of you if she wanted to? It seems like you want to apologize with the hopes of getting back together with her. I think any actual contact with you should be her choice. The card seems like a good idea. You may not be able to express everything you want to say, but you should be able to get a heartfelt apology in. Then leave it up to her. If she wants further contact with you she has the choice. If not, let her go on with her life.
It is possible to rebuild a relationship after cheating has happened. But since she was the one that was cheated on, it has to be her decision if there is a chance for any kind of reconciliation
I guess she could get my details from someone back home, if she really wanted to. I don't want her back.. I can't see how we'd ever get over this and far too much time has passed. I just want to know that she is happy. Sending her a card just seems a bit cheeky? Not sure why.
Quote:
Originally Posted by saynotosake
You need to leave her alone. You've done enough emotional damage as it is. If you come in contact with her now, it would just re-open the wounds.
Grow from the situation, but at the same time, step away from it.
Good luck, I hope you've learned your lesson.
You have already done enough damage, why make it worse. Just let her deal with it her way, you can do that can't you? Do you really think she will be happy hearing from you, since its too little to late to make a difference?
This apology is for your own ego, because if it was for her, you'd leave her alone to heal.
Why does it feel as though I'm fully in love with this woman still?
I almost called her tonight but I could only bring myself to dial half the number. I came online and have just erased a long email I was about to send her.
I was in a bar the other week and she strolled in with her new man. When she saw me she left crying. I felt her watching me but could not bring myself to look at her (I just stole a quick glimpse) I felt sick and have done ever since, I can't eat properly.
I can't commit to another woman because I see her as my wife. I have been more faithful to this girl since we have been apart than I was when I was with her. Am I crazy? I love her, it won't go away.
It's going to take some time to get over her. I know it hurts a lot and you feel lost and alone but trust me when I say it will get better! I'm going through he same kind of thing and it will get easier. Be strong, and good luck!
I feel for you & her. People do make mistakes I've made my share and won't past judgment but she obviously isn't over you & her seeing you and being overwhelmed by you shows you she still has a lot of feelings and isn't over this as well.
I remember when my ex told me he cheated on me I left him and time went by & all I wanted to hear was how he regretted it and how he missed me. I felt so low and so used. I tried to move on and I did down the line but for me personally just knowing that he didn't care to call to see how I was or tell me he regretted everything, it hurt me more then anything.
Even if she did manage to take you back she will always have that in her mind... contacting her now would open Pandora's box.. BUUT it might also heal her in some ways.. tough one.
Still miss her.
Why you reject her request? Listen to your heart, it is OK to try again sometimes! Time can heal people, and change people. You say you don't want her back, but don't you think you do?
I rejected it because I'm selfish, she is emotionally dangerous for me because to me she is the one and always will be.Quote:
Originally Posted by dynocompe
Good call, as when your really ready, that will be soon enough. That's progress, even if you can't see it, that you know yourself well enough to do the right thing for yourself.
BRAVO!!
I know I made the right choice but feel as though ill be carrying this guilt around with me forever.
Arggghhh
You'll get over yourself.
Talaniman Rule - Only a fool sits on his own pity pot.
Talaniman Rule - Avoid sitting on the pity pot, or you will surely drown in your own shat!
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:49 AM. |