Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship for the last 13 years. It wasn't a perfect relationship but after that many years you grow close to someone and you know so much about them. Last night I get the word they aren't in love with me anymore and by this morning I was being told they probably will move out shortly and won't be back tonight. I'm devastated! I tried to discuss what the problems were and possibly doing couples therapy but all my suggestions were shot down with "its not really you" and "Just let me go".

Any helpful words would be great appreciated. I knew there were problems but I also knew how much love I felt. I'm just lost...

What kind of dog lays that on a partner of such long term standing?

This is a good time for some more info, and a vent, or rant too! We understand. So what happened?

I don't even know what to say. We had dated for several years before moving in together. When we did the relationship wasn't perfect and after living together for about 4 years we decided to move apart to give each other room and hopefully help the relationship. After 3 years we were still together and decided to move back in together (that was 7 months ago). This crummy economy took my job so I have been unemployed (but trying very hard and helping around the home etc.. ). I even started therapy so I could try to feel better about things and deal with some issues of my own. Things seemed to finally be moving slowly in the right direction.

THen last night we sat down and I was told "I'm not in love with you anymore...I love you but I'm not in love with you". First I got real mad.. then I got real sad. By this morning I realized it wasn't a dream and on the way out I was told "I'm leaving...I probably won't be back tonight"... I said OK bye and without a word they walked out. Also I was told last night that they would probably have to move out since I don't have a job so I wouldn't be able to move out. I kept asking if we could finally do counseling or something to figure out the problems... and I was told just to let it go.

I've cried... I've prayed... and in between submitting resumes I've just sat in a dazed fog all morning. I don't know what (if anything) I should do next.

Your in shock, as you probably didn't see this coming. I mourn your loss with you, do you have friends or family who are a good shoulder at this time? I expect a lot of crying and that's not a bad thing as why keep all that hurt inside?

Is he really worth it though? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he waited for a low point and took advantage of it! Curious where he went, to his parents?

Yes... I am in shock and I am having major crying tonight. I don't have any friends or family so my isolation is even worse but I'm doing my best. He went to work and I suspect will stay with friends tonight... and then pop in and out during the weekend... probably never spending any real time here with me. This is so shocking because we had just been planning possibly moving to San Francisco and buying dogs etc... then this hits me last night. I do a lot of praying and I've learned to cry to myself. I do get lonely and Yes.. I'm so scared right now being alone. But we take it step by step I guess.

I want to say he isn't worth this because of the way he did this.. but he is a very sweet person... so I don't know why this happened or where it came from...

Is there anything I can do besides work on myself? The sadness and loss is so major right now.

Sounds as if your whole life was wrapped up in him. How did that happen, that you have no friends, and he does?? Not to be nosy, but I have many questions, if your up for it?

Sure.. >I don't mind questions. I've always been someone who didn't have a lot of friends. Its sad but at a certain age I just found it very hard to find new friendships so my love and my home became my life. I often thought about making new friends but didn't. So yes... I was always in a very vulnerable place being like that. I see that now. My life is wrapped up in him right now... mostly because I've been unemployed so my day is spent looking for work and working my time around him arrival home and preparation of dinner etc.. Now.. tonight he isn't coming home. Not a call.. not a message.. not even a hello to check in. It hurts so much. This couldnt' come at a worse time... it hits me when I'm so down.

Has this happen before as you mentioned you had broken up, and got back together? Were the circumstances the same? Also how old are you both?

Yes... he and I broke up once before but we didn't move apart for a while... we stayed very close and moved apart to help. Took the 3 years to just date each other again and finally decided to move in together about 7 months ago. I'm 41 and he's 38. Just a few days ago we were making plans for what we were going to do and when... he sent me a nice message. Tonight I sent a small text message saying "Just saying Hi" and got nothing in reply. Destroyed me. Why can't people who are thinking of breaking up give the person time to work on things... do things... instead of ending 13 years in one evening?

JDLYC I can fell your pain, I have been going through the same thing for a couple of months now.The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep yourself extremely busy. Workout if you don't, go for long walks, try to meet new people. Try to spend time in public places. I use to spend a couple of hours a day in Barnes and Nobles, just to get away from my house which would remind me of my ex, and follow through with NC. Don't text him call him email him nothing.This would probably be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life but I can tell you it does get better with time.

Hey JDLYC,

I am so sorry to hear this- like Dare 81- I have been going through something very similar since Sept.

What I will say is things will get worse- before they get better. Please read our posts- and you will see the hell and then the ray of light-- I know it sounds unreal-- but yes the ray of light does come--

What you should do- is take a big breath-- go NC- I mean total NC- DO NOT pick that phone, reply to emails etc- as this will only confuse you and bring more heartache-- I can say this-- as will I went through this-- back and forth and went insane-- eventually did NC...

You must be in terrible shock now- so best to take a few things in your stride- like sleep when you can sleep, eat well- as you will need all your energy. I found walking helped-- I now walk a lot more and put my iPod on with loud music-- if this works for you do it-- do it a few times a day and break your day.

Please use this site and write/talk whatever is in your heart and mind-- I found this site so helpful-- I don't think I would have survived this, without all the people that reached out to me.
Take care and take each hour as it comes-- there is no rush.

Reading the experience of others and how they healed, and over came their loss will help a lot. A break up at the same time as losing your job, is a steep hill to climb, but can be done.

As you look for work, balance your life with some exercise, and some YOU time. Do something good for yourself, as you heal, and rebuild your life. Maybe a class, to learn a new skill, will get you around people, and help you network, to find that hard to come by job.

Don't isolate yourself, as you go through this No Contact period, reach out to old family, and friends, whom you haven't seen for a while, but the key is to mourn your loss, and move on.

You have spent enough time depending on him, now its time to depend on yourself. Building a life that you enjoy, is the hardest thing you will do, but it's the most rewarding thing you will ever do, also.

Good luck with that job, and consider yourself lucky your through with that selfish partner, no matter how sweet he was, as you deserve much better treatment than he gave you.

You have to grieve the end of a relationship just as we grieve a loss in death.What once was, will never be again and the pain is overwhelming at times.

You can't make someone love you again.When love is over,there is no going back.

From your history ,it sounds as if you did have some clue things were not going well but when we are in love we are also often in denial.

As Talaniman said,concentrate on yourself and building a life without your partner.

When you become free of a relationship,you learn to think of yourself first and it is only when you are truly happy by yourself that you will ever be ready to think about being with someone else again.In this way the relationship is a compliment to you and not a dependency that you must have to feel complete.

Take baby steps to heal yourself.Do things for yourself that maybe you have neglected for the past 13 yrs. Spend some money on yourself,buy some new clothes or take that class that has always interested you. It is also a great way to make like minded friends.

Being alone is not horrible.See it as a time of personal growth.Start a journal and write out your daily progress as a single person.

It could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you,you will learn that ultimately it is you and you alone who create your happiness.

Best of luck!

Thank you everyone. It sure hasn't been an easy night for me. I find not having friends and family the hardest part. I felt such loneliness last night that I called a Prevention line... not because I was considering suicide but because I knew someone nice and understanding would be on the other end.

I was told he wouldn't be coming back to the apartment last night but he did. VERY drunk. I made the mistake of trying to hold him this morning (knowing it wasn't going to turn out good) and after a few attempts to put my arm over him in bed... he blocked my arms and said no. We had a long discussion about things... and I'm still very hurt and hurting. I just want to move past this pain. I know it's a process I have to go through... and I will do it.

I think the hardest part is that he keeps telling me it isn't our relationship that changed.. its him and no matter what I do or we do for the relationship... it won't change him. I see no road to getting back after hearing that.

I am so sorry for you. Sometimes it's very hard to move ahead and I think at this point you will have too. He told you it wasn't you,it was him. So you have done nothing wrong. Thirteen years is along time to spend with someone, and its even harder when you don't have a close support system to turn too. I think now you have to move ahead, and don't let your emotions get in your way. The more you stay stuck now the worse it's going to be. I wish you the best and we hear to listen.

I am forcing myself to go outside today. He is sitting in the bed recovering from a hang over and crying a little. I just want to be there to help... I've gone in a few times but each time after a little bit he tells me to leave. I just feel like every moment I sit with him I can keep the pain away. The second I walk out of the room and close the door... the pain comes sweeping back. Awful

He needs space to deal with his own demons, and some fresh air will do you good.

I think the first thing you need to do is sort your living arrangements out- I think he needs to move out.

Do not share that bed with him now-- if he has to stay for a while- stick him on the seatee! Or on the floor!

The sooner he packs and goes the better- so do this for yourself.

Second: I think you then need to make your place as nice as you can for you and so when your at home you can find peace around your things and not have anything of him reminding you as that will hurt you.

Once you get the two things out of the way, then you can slowly start to work out what you can do, how you can do it etc... you can worry about that when you come to that point-- right now the above needs sorting out.

It will def take time- but what will help you now is your strength, faith and determination- grab whatever you have inside you tight and do not let that go.

YOu said yourself that you can't see yourself going back- as probably so much damage has been done-- deep down you know he has to go now and so start working towards that.

13 years is a very long time to spend with someone- imagine this- you could have spent that time with a better person, who would have loved you with a lot more respect- I tell myself this as well- daily-- again and again.

Finally remember you are worth so much more- just because he can't see it or showed it to you does not mean your not worth it-- YOU ARE and I am sure may people on this site will tell you so.

Oh yes- your not alone- we are all here to listen and help as much as we can- and you will get many advice and support.

If he really feels like leaving, stop giving him a safe haven, and let him sleep in the gutter.

He made his choice, let him live with it.

I went out today... walked around with the only friend I have but as the day closed I realized I would be returning to the empty home where he had already left. My friend did keep telling me (as many of you have) to leave him alone. Don't overly speak to him. To be honest... I can't imagine him moving out right now. I don't have a job and though he might still pay the rent until it runs out in May... I think being here alone... with empty spaces where his things were... would destroy me.

It's amazing how much the world and its colors change when you have this type of devastation in your life. Things outside seemed so evil and unfriendly. I'm thankful for this board... I check it all the time during the evening as everyone's words really give me strength. Saturday night is going to be awful so I'm trying to prepare myself. Too cold to go outside... I have learned one thing from this... NEVER build your entire existence around another person. No matter how much they love you and promise you... no matter how much they seem like they're forever... no one should be your world.

Maybe that's why your going through this. To learn some good life lessons, and develop new skills in coping with the reality of life. That might be a painful lesson, but its not necessarily a bad thing in the log run.

You may also find your much stronger than you think. That's what I observe of you any way.

Honey , life is hard ,but love is so much harder.

Your smart,I can see that from your posts and you sound very nice,trust that you deserve good things and good things will happen!

It's that *secret thing*...

Yah.. I'm developing a list of priorities right now and trying to remain focused on them... its very hard in this early stage of this loss... I don't hate him for not being in love with me. He has tried so I can't sit back and really bad mouth him or hate him. It is just ironic how someone that has given me so much safety and security can so easily take it from me. I know this says more about my life and how I've chosen to grow myself.

My priorities are: find work... get a new apartment... then start to grow friendships in this big world. I can NEVER be without a support network. I am not strong enough to do this again.

I know he should move out. Waiting here not knowing when or if he's returning leaves me even more sad. I have one friend that I would have had come over tonight but he doesn't like him and wouldn't allow him here so I just walked around with them and said good bye. I keep feeling that I have these things to learn from this break up and then my mind immediately draws me back to my ex and says "But why didn't I do these things when they were still in love with me...they may still be in love if I had" those thoughts destroy me.

I called the Prevention line again... when I returned home... he was gone.. no friends to call... I sat down and immediately my neighbor began playing loud music and I just fell apart. The people on the line are friendly and they help me through the deepest points. I know my ex isn't happy... we cried together this morning because I know he's doing what he needs to get healthy.

Nights are the hardest part... sleeping is impossible. I start to sleep and my body jerks me awake and immediately I realize the horror of my life and I cry. Guess I'm not particularly strong

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JDLNYC

Nights are the hardest part...sleeping is impossible. I start to sleep and my body jerks me awake and immediately I realize the horror of my life and I cry. guess I'm not particularly strong

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When I've had break ups or stress in general, I can't sleep. If you can get up and go for a walk. I've gone on late night walks at all hours for 20 minutes to 2 hours and it can really clear you head out. Sitting in bed when you can't sleep only keeps you up.

On this topic, get a gym membership and absolutely burn yourself out exercising on a ellipitical or stairmaster machine. The harder you work your body, the more you start thinking about how hard you are working, and you also get into shape. Double win.

JDLNYC I know its hard right now, I'm going through it also. I put so much time and effort in my ex that I don't have many friends either. I also feel so lonely. But really, getting a membership at a gym or something helps so much, and just being around people helps greatly. Today really I wanted to go up to someone at my gym and just ask if they wanted to go out tonight.

I guess I've realized that while I'm still living here with him... I need to just stay out of his way... not engage in too much conversation and basically talk to him when he decides to talk to me. I think my going at him about the pain... looking for support from him... only makes the situation harder around here. I spent all tonight just sending resumes after I got through a bad time of loneliness. I have a gym membership and had planned to start again on Monday until my life fell apart. I guess I should still do it.

Is it natural to worry about finding a new person in the future. I am filled with fear that I won't find someone... the fear of having to go on dates... the fear of having to put myself out there... I just can't imagine doing that and it sends terror and sadness through me.

JDLNYC if you need someone to talk to you can pm me or something I'm alone tonight also

I don't know how to PM

Go over my name and click it, it will say private messaging

I don't have that option... its all right... but I'm wondering if its best to just not speak to my ex unless he speaks to me. TOday when I was trying to share my feelings with him and even trying to be in a good mood about it... he was bothered by me... he's been out all day and tonight... so I'm not sure when he'll return but I'm thinking I need to just not speak much to him anymore... so hard to do... but is that fair to do?

That's tota;;y fair to do, to bad you even have to see him. If I had to see my ex everyday and the fact that she is seeing a guy now it would make me nuts. Haha even though I already feel like I'm going nuts. So when does he plan on moving in with his friend?

Here try this, try going to my profile at the top of your page, then go to edit options under settings and options. Under messaging and notifications it says enable private messaging, is that clicked?

Funny... I don't have a private message option. Perhaps because I'm a new member? It will be hard with him here... but he said he's going to be out a lot... which in some ways is much much harder... I never know when he'll come back and I still find myself working around his schedule.

I tried so hard this morning to find something in him that would tell me he still cared... and he cares.. but the kindness isn't there... almost overnite it disappeared. That is so hard to be around. I want to disappear so he has to live with his decision instead of being able to come in and find me here whenever he wants.

Yeah I totally agree with it must be really hard to even see his face. Yeah I know what you mean when you try to reason even kind of beg to work things out in a relationship, its so hard when it feels like they no longer have any feelings for you anymore. Once he is gone though it will be much easier on you, are you eating at all? I know its hard for me to eat right now. But with the gym start going there tomorrow, I've been going to mine 2 times a day and it really helps to get rid of the stress, also to be around people.

Ask Me Help Desk - FAQ: <u>Other Forum Features</u> click on that and you will see at the bottom enable private messaging, reason I ask is do you have msn messenger? We can talk through that it would be a lot easier. Up to you though

Acutally the 2nd sentence when you click that is this (This feature may be turned off in the Profile Options. The below applies only to members who have not turned the feature off. ) click the profile options first.

Wow, just reading that hit me hard as if that were to happen to me I would probably feel just the way you do right now. 13 years is a really long time, a big part of your life,but not the "rest" of your life. A very very wise woman my mother who past away when I was 6 gave me a little speech( she gave me a relationship speech because she new she was going to pass away). There is a reason why people come and people go. They are there to teach you new things, find apart of you that you never knew was there, Bring out feelings that are amazing, and then bring them down and rips your heart out... which teaches you how to handle a new situation. And when they leave, don't cry, be strong, be independent. He was meant to be in your life, he changed something he must of, and you loved him, But maybe its best for you to be without him. Him leaving may be your ticket to say hey let me go out there and make some new friends now what do I have to loose. And it could be the best thing in your life. I myself do get upset. Me and my girlfriend fight all the time and when we say things we don't mean but at the time it hurts I cry and I think to myself why am I crying over somebody else when I know I love myself and if somebodies not happy with me why would I want to keep them around knowing I'm not what they are looking for, or I didn't turn out the way they thought I would, or that they could change me like they thought they could. It's a waste of time. You will feel empty because that's what you knew, But go make a new "knew" and he will be your past.

*Remember independents is very sexy on a woman*
I love you hunny feel better!

Guess it isn't meant to be... says I don't have that user privilege. My ex just came home and I've only said hello to him. I will leave it at that and I have no plans to speak more to him. Its absolutely awful how fast love can change. Just last week I would have been part of his Saturday plans... now I am an outsider observing what he does. Is it normal to hate him?

I would say it was normal, in a way I hate my ex. I'm so pissed at her right now. But again there is nothing you can really do but to just move on, and just better myself. I bet it will be nice though when he's out. I just feel really bad for you that you have to keep seeing him, that must be really tuff.