Ask Me Help Desk - Promise rings, commitment and affection

Promise rings, commitment and affection

Hey, um I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months. I'm 17 and he is 18. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. But lately he isn't affectionate much at all, and it really bothers me. Also at christmas time, a friend asked him if he got me a promise ring and he said no, no way we hvaent been together long enough. That hurt. I think promise rings aren't about time its about love, and a friend of ours said that you don't have to be with them for a long time you have have to be in love with them. I don't know what to do, I feel really sad and I want our relationship to be how it was before, and the fact that he doesn't want to consider a promise ring scares me into thinking he isn't 100% committed. What should I do?

Talk to him about it. It may be that he just hasn't thought about it or didn't have the money. Maybe he's stressed about things. The best thing is to talk. It's horrible not knowing, but being in ignorance is worse. Hopefully its just a little thing on his side, but if it's a bigger problem, try to resolve it as soon as possible. Maybe he didn't get you one because he knows you want one or asked about it. Let him do it on his terms.

Oops, I missed the line where he said that you two weren't together long enough. I would still ask him about the fact that he isn't being as affectionate, though.

Yeah I have tried talking to him about it and he just says that its not a big deal about the afffetion thing. And I don't know why he see's 16 months as not long enough. It just worries me that he doesn't seem to be totally committed.

Its not something you can really push, though. You can let him know your feelings, but you can't make him feel what you want him to feel. How much time do you two usually spend together and are you both graduated?

He has finished school, and I have three terms left of my HSC. Then I'm done. And we see each other Friday saturdays and at least once during school nights, and we text all the time and talk on the phone almost every night.

I'm your age--im no expert, at all. But I have no clue what to tell you. Don't push it on the ring, but see if he's dedicated in other ways. Maybe he sees it as a big commitment and wants to wait a while more before that investment. In what ways is he being less affectionate?

Yeah I guess so. Thank you! And just in little ways. Like when we were first together he wanted to hug and kiss me and hold me and stroke my skin and stuff like that, but now I'm alwys hugging him or kissing him and stuff. It sounds silly, but I keep thinkine well their must be reason for this

As you two aren't going to get engaged, You shouldn't be stressing over a mere symbol, "promise ring". But, if he is starting to act distant you need to back off a little, as this is usually a sign he's losing interest.

Have fun, loosen up. There's no need to stress over little things.

Maybe its just the whole thing of new love where he was always trying to impress you or get used to you. Its probably just that he's fallen into a routine and doesn't think anything of it.Try going out more or doing interesting things together. Make dinner together--I think that's a lot funner than going out on a date. Or if you two do go out to eat, go that extra step to look REALLY good for him. Tell him that you miss how it was and that you find it really cute when he hugs or kisses you out of his own initiative. It's the little things that count. =]

Prmoise rings aren't just for when your going to get engaged. They can be for anything that represents a promise. Like it could be just a promise ring symbolising that he will be monogamous to me or something

Do you really need a ring to solidify your love?

Thanks you so much for your help, its good to know that someone understands me! Lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by 411Help

Do you really need a ring to solidify your love?

No I don't. But it's the fact that he doesn't want it at all, which could mean that he doesn't want the commitment to go with it. Its not just the physical ring, I don't care if he gave me a burger ring and said here, this is my promise ring that I will never cheat on you or something. It's the meaning behind it not the ring

You're Welcome =D. If it's a bigger problem, it will come up sooner or later, but I doubt it. Don't be confrontational, but be cute when you say it--give him motivation to do it more often. When he does come up to hug you, say it means a lot to me when you do that, or something like that. Don't be too overstressed or push the ring thing too much. Now that he knows that you're interested in one, maybe he'll get you one for the two year anniversary. It's much more romantic than christmas. =).

Quote:

Originally Posted by karebear0042

You're Welcome =D. If its a bigger problem, it will come up sooner or later, but I doubt it. Dont be confrontational, but be cute when you say it--give him motivation to do it more often. When he does come up to hug you, say it means a lot to me when you do that, or something like that. Don't be too overstressed or push the ring thing too much. Now that he knows that you're interested in one, maybe he'll get you one for the two year anniversary. It's much more romantic than christmas. =).

Naw, I shaw hope so. And our two year anniversary is the day beofre my birthday too :D

If you are going to push this envelope you are going to walk a fine line. First, you're only 17 and not done high school and promise rings usually mean marriage, which neither of you are ready for. At your age you should be enjoying the relationship, not worried about getting a promise ring or anything of the sort. 16 months may seem like a long time, but there are people who have been together for a lot longer that aren't married or engaged. Just let this go and enjoy the time you two share together

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

If you are going to push this envelope you are going to walk a fine line. First, you're only 17 and not done high school and promise rings usually mean marriage, which neither of you are ready for. At your age you should be enjoying the relationship, not worried about getting a promise ring or anything of the sort. 16 months may seem like a long time, but there are people who have been together for a lot longer that aren't married or engaged. Just let this go and enjoy the time you two share together

Promise rings are for whatever you want them to be. I can't give one to my best friend and signify my promise that I will always be there for them and that I promise to be by their side forever.

Everyone knows what a promise ring means, it is a promise to a romantic partner as a precursur to marriage. I'm not going to be sold on that BS that you are just looking for him to show his commitment to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Everyone knows what a promise ring means, it is a promise to a romantic partner as a precursur to marriage. I'm not going to be sold on that BS that you are just looking for him to show his commitment to you.

Lol. Okay buddy. Well I shaw as hell don't want to get married right now. And a promise ring is whatever you want it to mean. It can mean that, but it signifies a promise. Google it or something buddy.

What do you hope to get out of a promise ring? If you don't consider it a step towards marriage, then why do you need him to give you one? Is it so you have assurance he is committed to you? Just want to be clear here before I deliver my honest opinion...

Google Results: Pretty much what Rome stated...(Click Me)

I love when people think they know it all. I've never given a promise ring to someone just for friendship, sure it can mean that, but it's not common these days. Perhaps googling it for you meant going to the first site(wiki) which is NOT an acceptable source of information in a college format, oh wait you wouldn't know that.

I'm not going to dispute with you, your intentions of wanting a promise ring were quite clear. Your feelings were hurt because he said "no way" to a promise ring. If you were ready for a promise ring, this relationship would have an open line of communication in which you can communicate freely to him your concerns without an argument or judgemental actions.

[QUOTE=kctiger;1497472]What do you hope to get out of a promise ring? If you don't consider it a step towards marriage, then why do you need him to give you one? Is it so you have assurance he is committed to you? Just want to be clear here before I deliver my honest opinion...

I don't NEED him to give me one. If you read my question again I never actually said I wanted one or needed one. It was more the fact he was so quick to say no no no blah blah, and trying to understand what the meaning, if there is one, is behind it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I love when people think they know it all. I've never given a promise ring to someone just for friendship, sure it can mean that, but it's not common these days. Perhaps googling it for you meant going to the first site(wiki) which is NOT an acceptable source of information in a college format, oh wait you wouldn't know that.

I'm not going to dispute with you, your intentions of wanting a promise ring were quite clear. Your feelings were hurt because he said "no way" to a promise ring. If you were ready for a promise ring, this relationship would have an open line of communication in which you can communicate freely to him your concerns without an argument or judgemental actions.

I didn't look at wiki but anyway. And I'm not saying I know everything, and oh big college boy hey haha. And read my question again, I never said I wanted one or needed one, I was concerned by his reaction and what was the meaning behind it. And it may not be common these days, but its done for personal prmoises between two people, so what does it matter whether others do it or not?

Perhaps he just doesn't believe in it, or he himself has some deep belief in the meaning of it, and isn't ready for that step yet. I am not sure you should over analyze it though. I am not trying to ruffle your feathers by the way, I just wanted to make sure I got a clear path to write my opinion.

As far as him being unaffectionate, I would assume that maybe your "honeymoon" phase is coming to an end, or the relationship has fallen into a deep, predictable pattern, and he has become complacent.

You're only proving my point and possibly his at why he so quickly said "no" to a promise ring.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Perhaps he just doesn't believe in it, or he himself has some deep belief in the meaning of it, and isn't ready for that step yet. I am not sure you should over analyze it though. I am not trying to ruffle your feathers by the way, I just wanted to make sure I got a clear path to write my opinion.

As far as him being unaffectionate, I would assume that maybe your "honeymoon" phase is coming to an end, or the relationship has fallen into a deep, predictable pattern, and he has become complacent.

Yeah I know all that. But I want to know some ways to get it back to how it was!

Quote:

Originally Posted by secret_123

he fact that he doesnt want to consider a promise ring scares me into thinking he isnt 100% committed. What should i do?

This is from your question. So my answer:

Grow up. A promise ring has nothing to do with commitment... you are reading way too much into it. Talk to him about this if you have a problem, but don't let it screw with your mind.

Carry on... :cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You're only proving my point and possibly his at why he so quickly said "no" to a promise ring.

And why is that buddy?

Communication is how you get it back to how it used to be. People change all the time, as do relationships between those people. If you can't talk about how you are feeling and what is concerning you then it's not going to get any better.

How many problems have been solved by sweeping it under the rug?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You're only proving my point and possibly his at why he so quickly said "no" to a promise ring.

Oh and by the way, maybe you should read, then re-read my question. I never said I asked him for one or anything. Its not about the ring. Its about the meaning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by secret_123

and why is that buddy?

You are acting juvenile and he may be sensing this. You made it clear what your concerns were about the promise ring as KC pointed out.

Oh and I'll continue this lovely Dane Cook "buddy" crap I guess, so "that's why you're proving my point, pal"

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

This is from your question. So my answer:

Grow up. A promise ring has nothing to do with committment...you are reading way too much into it. Talk to him about this if you have a problem, but don't let it screw with your mind.

Carry on...:cool:

So you seriously think promise rings have nothing to do with commitment. Then what exactly do you think they are for?

Look Secret, the clear point is this:

If you are feeling that something has changed and you don't like it, talk to him about it. Seriously, just sit him down and tell him how you feel. I want you two to do this, otherwise you become another poster on here asking about a "Broken Heart."

It goes something like this:

"Hey baby, I just wanted to talk to you about a few things. Would you like to have dinner with me...?"

What KC is trying to say, or at least I think he is, that you shouldn't need a promise ring in order to know that someone is committed to you and the relationship. The fact that you two are together should be reason enough to just believe that what you two have is enough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Communication is how you get it back to how it used to be. People change all the time, as do relationships between those people. If you can't talk about how you are feeling and what is concerning you then it's not going to get any better.

How many problems have been solved by sweeping it under the rug?

What the hell? You seriously need to read my question. I never said oh and we have heaps of trouble communication nor that we sweep things under the rug.

If you honestly need a ring to make him show his commitment, then I would tell your immature a$$ to hit the road!

Welcome to AMHD. Sorry to be harsh, but I am sick of trying to help you and at the same time butting my head against a brick wall. Good luck. Instead of arguing with us, why don't you talk to him about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by secret_123

yeah i know all that. but i want to know some ways to get it back to how it was!

Right there! You asked how to get it back to how it was, and my reply was "communication" because if you don't talk about what is bothering you then the relationship is going to come to an end.

If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.

Like KC said, welcome to the AMHD, we don't sugarcoat anything!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

If you honestly need a ring to make him show his committment, then I would tell your immature a$$ to hit the road!

Welcome to AMHD. Sorry to be harsh, but I am sick of trying to help you and at the same time butting my head against a brick wall. Good luck. Instead of arguing with us, why don't you talk to him about it?

I'm not arguing with you, I'm discussing it with you. And ahh read the question. I am saying that by saying no to something that CAN in some circumstances like mine represent a certain level of commitment and a promise could it mean that he is afraid/avoiding full on commitment.

You never said that it "could it mean" you said "scares me into thinking" which means you are already thinking that, not that you may think that way.