I'm 31, seem to have my life in good order (good job, friends, family support, etc.) but I've been an emotional wreck lately. SORRY, LONG POST FOLLOWS.

To start at the beginning, I met a girl almost 3 years ago after we were both coming out of fairly serious relationships. I was immediately attracted to this girl and felt almost instantly that she was the girl I'd been waiting my life for. Before you dismiss this, I've never in my life felt this way about anyone else before so soon after meeting them and as I will describe below, this feeling had plenty of time to cultivate over the years of friendship.

We started as friends as neither of us were really in a place to jump into a new relationship. We were both coming out of other serious relationships when we met, hers more so. She was absolutely devastated over her last breakup and I (stupidly) helped get her back on her feet. That evolved into becoming best friends after a few months and eventually the friendship took a turn to friends + something more. There were many stops and starts along the way but eventually we were exclusively dating about 5 months after meeting- sleeping over, traveling together, meeting respective families, talking nightly for hours, all the things I would ordinarily classify as "being in a relationship." But she never classified it that way though and never referred to me as her boyfriend (HUGE MISSED WARNING SIGN). Anyway, after a couple months of pseudo relationship, she said that she "wasn't ready to commit to a relationship" and went off on how hurt and scared she was from her previous relationship and that she didn't feel the same way about me as she did her ex. She backed away bigtime and I was devastated.
Another issue to keep in mind is that she has a strange problem where sex is very painful for her and that was part of the reason the relationship she was in before me failed. She had surgery, went to physical therapy, etc. but still had issues. Probably in large part because of this, her sex drive was very low and sexual encounters were few and far between. She was very fearful of the "requirement" of sexual availabiliy in an official bf/gf relationship.

Anyway, back to the timeline, gradually we built up the close friendship again and a few months down the road we were dating exclusively again for another few months before she backed away again claiming that a relationship was too constraining and I wasn't "The One." This time, we stayed out of contact afterward for a few months. The friendship was again built up very slowly over the course of the following year- me dating a few other people in the process but still carrying a torch for her deep down. I was finally sure I was 100% over romantically her when out of the blue she came back into my life after getting suddenly jealous of a new girl I was dating at the time and saying that she had taken me for granted this whole time. Seeing that I was ready to slip away from her life, she went into full-on seduction mode and reeled me back in one final time (with me dumping the other girl I was with to be with her) before ditching me again a few months later one last humiliating time with yet another exlaimation that I wasn't "the one" for her and had never been "the one" for her. She still wanted to maintain the friendship but wanted us both to move on. Not as much devastation time #3 but still a lot of bitterness on my part for falling for this girl's antics yet again.

Looking back, obviously the main problem is that I always was far more into her than she into me. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever dated and I certainly let that beauty blind me and let her treat me like a doormat. Nobody can love a doormat. =(

The other huge issue was that in our 3 year up and down "non-relationship" she never was in an official relationship with anyone else and I was as close to being in a relationship with her as anyone. Sure there were a few other guys that came into the picture briefly but I was the only one to have slept with her in this entire time frame. Being the closest thing to a boyfriend to her and as her best friend over this period, I figured fear of commitment was just a personal issue she had to deal with and was feeling OK with moving on because we'd given it a try a few times and it kept failing. I still had hope that we could continue to be friends as we had been with the benefit of time. We talked and e-mailed weekly-biweekly and still met occasionally after fallout #3 in late October.

This all came to a crashing halt when I found out recently that not only is she dating someone who shares my same (rather uncommon) name, she is in an official "relationship" with this person!! The same person who wouldn't make any sort of commitment to me in 3 years is now committed to someone else she'd known for a couple of months. I was devastated and decided immediately to cut off all contact-phone, Facebook, e-mail, etc. It's been 8 days but I still have pathetic feelings of longing for her and the friendship that is gone (my own choice for my own sanity). The worst thing is the ego blow though, essentially getting dumped 3 times by someone I was madly infatutated with and "replaced" by another in short time by someone who shares my own freaking name.

I'm really too old to be putting up with this drama. I'm perfectly fine with the idea of settling down but for some reason the thrill of chasing the beautiful girl that is just out of reach still haunts me. For some reason it's hard to be attracted to perfectly nice girls that don't make my heart skip. Am I doomed to a life of singledom? Do I need to readjust my standards? What the hell is wrong with me?

Just a thought, but is it possible you are infatuated with her over her looks? Seems like the most beautiful girl you've ever been with. But that doesn't mean you won't have another. Apparently you had what it takes to get her a little. So what standards do you need to adjust? I'd say a woman who wants to be with you and says you are the one.

After 3 years if there is no official relatioship, it is time to move on

You answer your own question with this statement "Looking back, obviously the main problem is that I always was far more into her than she into me. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever dated and I certainly let that beauty blind me and let her treat me like a doormat. Nobody can love a doormat. =(

You love the chase and want you don't need. Move past this girl and let go. You are your own barrier and your stopping yourself from letting go.

Stop focusing on her life and focus on your. Who cares who she is dating and what his name is. Get out of her life. Your causing your own misery and who wants to live in misery.

The good news is if you let go and give yourself time to focus on you and not her, the future is whatever you make it.

The bad news is, if you don't stay out of her business, and get your own, you will be miserable.

Obviously you are all right, I need to move on. I'm headed in that direction with the 8 days of NC.

I think I might have overemphasized the role her looks had in my attraction. We both considered each other "best friends" and I was more emotionally intimite with her than anyone else I'd been with in my life. I guess I'm trying to get at the fact that it wasn't just me chasing her the entire 3 years.

Bottom line, it wasn't meant to be and I need to move on for my own sanity. It's just hard to lose someone who was such an important part of your life for so long. I know her family really well and liked them. We shared everything in common- values, hobbies, etc. . Biggest lesson learned is not to wait for something no matter how right it feels and NEVER EVER try to be friends first with someone you have romantic feelings for.

I have been there before. I found out on my birthday that my ex was dating a guy with the same name as me... you know what I came to find out a couple of months later?

It doesn't F-ING matter!!

After some time, you will realize that it has not effect on your ilfe whatsoever, and as long as you don't LET it bother you, you can and WILL be happy eventually.

Do yourself a favor, just don't let her wheel you in again, even if she breaks up with this new one. It's time to move on. There are plenty of girls out there, that I am sure you can find, that won't put you through this. Evidently, beauty isn't everything.

I can beat that, my ex is dating someone that she admits looks like me. I laughed at her.

Anyway, in regards to your story, it sounds like she thought you were a real nice guy and wanted to try for something more, but in the end it took her three times to realize she just likes you as a friend.

Was there ever a time you thought she was out of your league or that you were extremely lucky she chose to be with you?

You seem you are very well put together and a decent person.

She did use you as a doormat probably to help her deal with her own insecurities.

You deserve much better. I think you had a weak moment with this girl.

But from this you have learned many things. Take that and find "the one."

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I can beat that, my ex is dating someone that she admits looks like me. I laughed at her.

Anyway, in regards to your story, it sounds like she thought you were a real nice guy and wanted to try for something more, but in the end it took her three times to realize she just likes you as a friend.

Was there ever a time you thought she was out of your league or that you were extremely lucky she chose to be with you?

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Wow, that is rough. If you had the strength to laugh it off though you must have been at a pretty good place when she revealed this to you. Much better than the place I was at least when I heard about the other Brent.

It's now day #9 of NC and I'm feeling OK... still sad at times but OK. I keep thinking I see her car/her, in old familiar haunts and it gives me both a twinge of excitement, scare and saddness all at the same time. I think you hit it on the nose with her thinking I was a wonderful friend so why not give it a shot only to keep finding out that the spark wasn't there for whatever reason. She said as much in an e-mail- that on paper I'm perfect for her but for whatever reason I just don't give her butterflies. It's definitely worse than if she hated my personality or some other aspect about me was incompatible. Who wouldn't want to fall in love with their best friend?

Was there a time I felt she was out of my league or that I was lucky to be with her? There were moments I suppose where I wondered what she saw in me but it was more of a feeling that everything was storybook perfect- falling in love with your best friend. What could be better?

I went on a date last night with someone I met through an internet dating site who was nice but wasn't a good relationship match. I'm almost embarrassed to admit but just the mere fact that she seemed to be very interested despite my disinterest was a huge ego boost. For the record, I didn't lead this girl on in any way into thinking there might be something more, I just view 1st dates as putting out feelers anyway. This is the 3rd date I've been on since the "breakup" in October with 2 in January and 1 in November. I have a few more lined up for later this week.

Is it a good idea to be putting myself out there before I feel fully healed?

If you do it for the fun, and company. If your looking to replace what you lost, your asking for trouble.

Man, I dated a guy named Brent who was a drummer, and my next boyfriend after that was also named brent and a drummer


So, I don't know about your predicament or what would help you, the first brent was a complete to me and dumped me, so it's not quite the same situation, but you're not alone, if that helps at all.

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Originally Posted by BrentNumber1

...I think you hit it on the nose with her thinking I was a wonderful friend so why not give it a shot only to keep finding out that the spark wasn't there for whatever reason. She said as much in an e-mail- that on paper I'm perfect for her but for whatever reason I just don't give her butterflies. It's definitely worse than if she hated my personality or some other aspect about me was incompatible. Who wouldn't want to fall in love with their best friend?

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I have to agree with your ex's stance on friendships and dating.

Even if my best friend was a gorgeous woman, I wouldn't date her because a solid male-to-female friendship is really a brother-sister, father-daughter (some Freudian) relationship; it would be awkward so, naturally, there wouldn't be any chemistry. However, I would date a good friend, or better yet acquaintance, whom I can have fun and joke around with, and, of course, one that I'm sexually attracted to.

Your case is one of Platonic friends.

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Originally Posted by BrentNumber1

Was there a time I felt she was out of my league or that I was lucky to be with her? There were moments I suppose where I wondered what she saw in me but it was more of a feeling that everything was storybook perfect- falling in love with your best friend. What could be better?

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I only asked this because if you had felt this way, even once, this would show her you lack confidence, or as Keruoc puts it, "unself-confidence". That's a usually a deal-breaker.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I have to agree with your ex's stance on friendships and dating.

Even if my best friend was a gorgeous woman, I wouldn't date her because a solid male-to-female friendship is really a brother-sister, father-daughter (some Freudian) relationship; it would be awkward so, naturally, there wouldn't be any chemistry. However, I would date a good friend, or better yet acquaintance, whom I can have fun and joke around with, and, of course, one that I'm sexually attracted to.

Your case is one of Platonic friends.


I only asked this because if you had felt this way, even once, this would show her you lack confidence, or as Keruoc puts it, "unself-confidence". That's a usually a deal-breaker.

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Really disagree with you on this being merely a case of "Platonic friends." I can see blurring that line maybe once but 3 separate times?! Especially when you know the other person feels so strongly about you?! Do friends sleep together just to try it on for size?

Bottom line, it doesn't matter, whatever we had is over and it's time to move on. Have been on a few successful, fun dates in a row now and my confidence is back to a good place vs. its low point in the days post-dumping.

One strange thing- I had a dream last night that I looked at her online profile and saw pictures of her with the new guy. Does that count as breaking NC? Lol.

2 threads merged

So, it's day #13 NC for me from my best-friend 3 yr "non-relationship."
Reading a lot of great stuff on here and realizing that I was by means alone in my feelings post-breakup. Most importantly, that my feeling of "the one that got away" was completely normal and completely wrong in retrospect. It's amazing how caring so much about someone can make you put the blinders on.

Does non-reciprocated love = real love I was feeling for her or did I just live 3 years in complete dillusion?

I'm at a point now where I have let go of the thought of there ever being a relationship but I have a lot of anger- seeing all the ways she took advantage of my feelings for her and manipulated them for her own advantage. Angry at myself, angry at her, angry at thoughts of the relationship in general. My thoughts of wanting to hear from her now are that I only want her to contact me so I can reject her. Are these normal feelings? Is this a phase? Is this a good step in the healing process? Do you need to move on from anger before you're truly healed or is anger = over? I guess it doesn't because I still mourn the loss of what I thought our future might entail. But at least I'm over doormat phase and onto anger right? :D

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Originally Posted by BrentNumber1

Does non-reciprocated love = real love I was feeling for her or did I just live 3 years in complete dillusion?

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Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. I'm sure several people on this forum are familiar with that.

Hi Brentnumber1,
I think the anger part is part of the healing process... once things calm down around you you start to realise so many things, like how they took advantage of you, how they really did not care at the end, how much you loved them and how much energy you placed in that relationship etc... and so I think the anger is v normal... I am at this stage myself- I am FURIOUS with my ex- yet I am still hurting...
Hopefully in time these feelings will past like with all other phase in time and space and will be replaced with happy feelings... one can just hope...

If you read a lot of the literature on various websites etc. they generally come up with 5 stages that go like this...

The Five Stages of a Break Up

Denial:
"I feel fine, we still love each other." “She is still my best friend.” “We will always be in each others' lives.”

Anger:
"It's not fair!?" "I was always there for her and she was never there for me!" “That !” “That !” “She sucked in bed!” “ I couldn't stand her friends anyway.”

Bargaining:
"If we just go to therapy it will get better." "I promise to visit your parents this Christmas.” “Just give it another chance.”

Depression:
"I can't stop crying." "I want to die.” “I will never date again.””I'm going to die alone…” “I'm unlovable.”


Acceptance:
"We are better off, not together." ”I am content and happy with myself.” "I welcome a new start."

Cheers Friend4u178,
I think my breakup has gone through the 5 phases, but not necessarily in that order- its been a yo- yo and the anger arrived - I am hoping at the end... after the denial,bargaining, depression, acceptance..

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Originally Posted by zeeniee

Cheers Friend4u178,
I think my breakup has gone thru the 5 phases, but not necessarily in that order- its been a yo- yo and the anger arrived - i am hoping at the end...after the denial,bargaining, depression, acceptance ..

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Pleasure Zeeniee

I'm glad you can see light at the end of the tunnel :)

Thanks friend4u178-
It is a damm long tunnel- but I believe I will come to the end one day!

That's exactly how you can tell where the people who come here are at. Thanks, Friend!!

On day #18 of NC and just had to vent that today felt like a big setback triggered by a stupid dream I had last night about us getting back together.
I think a major issue in me pushing her out of my mind completely is that we've broken contact gotten back together in the past. My head is completely ready to move on but for some reason my heart is a glutton for punishment and is dragging its feet. Are these sorts of setbacks to be expected? Found myself really curous about what she's been up to as well but I've so far been able to resist temptation that I know will just hurt.

Totally normal feelings , you just need to keep NC. Feeling crap after a mere dream shows you just how much worse it would be if you actually contacted her.

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Originally Posted by BrentNumber1

On day #18 of NC and just had to vent that today felt like a big setback triggered by a stupid dream I had last night about us getting back together.
I think a major issue in me pushing her out of my mind completely is that we've broken contact gotten back together in the past. My head is completely ready to move on but for some reason my heart is a glutton for punishment and is dragging its feet. Are these sorts of setbacks to be expected? Found myself really curious about what she's been up to as well but I've so far been able to resist temptation that I know will just hurt.

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Dude... this happens, and will happen more I would imagine. Some of the reactions to this emotional detoxification are:

1. Extreme loss of sleep (we're talking 1-4 hours of sleep a night)
2. Vivid dreams, that actually can result in waking up crying (happened to me several times)
3. Very low motivation to do anything... after all, our "love" is gone, so what do we have to live for huh?
4. Constant worry about what she is doing
5. Little to no diet at all. When you do eat, your appetite is VERY small as compared to normal.
6. The picturing of her with another guy comes through your imagination, at often very random times of the day, which can lead to random tears or even nausea and vomitting.
7. Coming on AMHD and venting for hours on end, reading every thread, seeing if "getting back together" is possible, or works. Feeling your situation may be different.
8. The pooring of money into an e-book that promises your ex back into your arms within a certain time frame (this is the biggest rip off).

No worries man. It is hard. I remember everyone telling me to be strong, and that it doesn't get better, so I thought about the next reaction:

9. The feeling that you will NEVER get better, and you will eventually either get back together with your "love" or your life will just vanish.

You WILL get better. You are doing awesome man! Just keep it up, and come on here as often as you need. Nothing you are going through is abnormal.

Carry on... :cool:

So I semi-broke contact today in the sense that I snooped around her online profile just to see if she was still alive. She's not listed as a friend and the profile is private so the amount of info I could see was really limited. Did see the "in a relationship tag" though with new Brent. The best surprise is that it didn't really upset me at all. I'm coming up on 4 weeks of NC tomorrow and I think I'm finally accepting that she wasn't a good match for me. My biggest worry now is that at 31 I'm never going to have the true love/marriage/family I really want. Yeah probably a little ridiculous as I'm not that old but I've spent a good chunk of my adult life alone and don't fall into casual relationships easily. All the more reason to move on from what was obviously broken. I don't mind being alone as I'm used to it but at the same time I'm a little sick of it at this point in my life. Frustrating. I think that's the biggest source of pain right now.

One last funny bit relating to my 1st post. Looked up an old girlfriend from about 7 or 8 years ago just out of curiosity, no feelings for her (my first significant LT relationship). She's now dating a Brent too. So 2 of the 3 major relationships in my life are with different Brents. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. :-)

I am with you Brent.

It's a week today of NC after I heard that my girlfriend was in love with another guy and me. Best thing I have ever done, was to be a man, get up and leave. Had to respect myself above anyone.

She was my love, she is an amazing girl but things work out like that. I haven't forgiven her, I am angry, hurt and think about her a lot especially when waking in the morning and sleeping at night - worse times of the day.

Going on dates do help, but remember its just some fun and company because as soon as you start looking for what you have lost, all goes back to hell.

I know I can stick to the NC just getting her out of my head is incredibly difficult - even if I do go on dates and have other girls..

F***ing impossible I tell you - keep it up though

We always get there in the end

Nice work so far ard.
You'll get there day by day. The weekend is here but ordinarly the best part of the week can be a downer when you have all that time to sit and let your mind wander. It's good to rely on friends to stay busy but after a while you're left alone with just you and your thoughts.

Sounds like she used you the whole time just so didn't have to feel lonely. She had you wrapped around her finger. She may be beautiful to you on the outside but you have to focus on people's insides and she sounded really ugly.

Fell off the wagon at 31 days.
I sent an e-mail to her today. Very simple paragraph or so just asking how her running was going and seeing if she was doing an upcoming race (running was a big shared passion of ours). She responded with a huge long e-mail, no mention of the new boyfriend (not that I asked). She mentioned about 2 or three times in the e-mail how glad she was to hear from me and that she was planning to e-mail me herself today anyway before I sent mine.
She even asked if I wanted to get together for coffee/dinner to catchup.
I replied, answered her questions with the exception of the dinner question but kept things purposely distant. I ended the e-mail explaining my need to "fall off the grid for a month to refocus my energies and priorites." Pretty lame I guess but overall a very composed e-mail.
And now here I am. For a few hours immediately afterward I was a little depressed. I think I'm most missing the emotional connection. Honestly, as pathetic as it sounds, the new b/f doesn't even upset me. It's the loss of our mutual reliance dependence on one another. Never again will I have that with her. I guess that's OK in the long run. It's just really lonely at the moment.
*end of vent*

She had a new boyfriend from the previous one you were talking about in the beginning! That's what it sounds to me when you said "new" boyfriend.
I have a friend that is having trouble getting over a certain girl who dumped him. It was very sudden. Well, it's effecting him meeting other girls. He gets depressed just before meeting someone new and that can be sensed. You have to find something up lifting to boost your confidence and believe you will find someone who is available.

Nope sorry for the confusion. She's in a relationship with the same new "Brent" as in the first post. Like I said, my feelings now are that I don't even really care about the new guy, I'm just sad for the loss of the connection I had to her. I'm shy and have a hard time connecting with people in general. Fortunately work has been more than enough to keep me busy lately. Thanks for the advice/kind thoughts.

Hmmm, you broke NC..

Im a little scared for you, because if I emailed my ex and broke NC and she made a huge reply, I would probably reply but where does this leave you now? You felt sad after that so its clear you aren't ready to start talking to her again - so I ask, why did you email her??

Sticking to NC is the only way to get over our problems so that maybe in the future we can handle our feelings and ourselves if we ever wanted to be friendly with our exs'.

You aren't the only shy guy around, I am pretty shy and a connection for me with someone is hard to come by, let alone a relationship - I am very picky, only get into a relationship if I see it going somewhere and I really really know the person. You weren't killing yourself for being a shy guy before you found this girl so you know you are fine. Connections are golden and do not come around often, but for us shy guys when they done come round there are always worth the wait.

Why rush? Just live your life, enjoy your hobbies, friends and going out and when you least expect it, something will just pop up just like it always do

True I broke no contact but I think I'm OK. She e-mailed a long-email today talking about how good it was to hear from me yesterday and that she still thinks about me every day and always felt deep down that we would eventually be in contact and be friends when I was ready. She said regardless of what life and love may bring she wants to stay friends forever. Again, we started as friends way back when and then the line got blurred. She again extended the offer to meet up 2nd e-mail in a row.
She then talked a bit about her new guy and talked about how things were going OK with him and that she was housesitting for him and his 2 dogs while he's away on business for 9 days. Said I could meet him in a month at a race we're both doing it I wanted to.
I guess I feel good in that she does really value me and my friendship. No, she doesn't love me in the way I wanted her to but she still really cares about me and wants me to be a part of her life whenever I feel ready and that makes me feel a little less used.
I haven't replied to today's e-mail and I don't know that I will anytime soon. I realize I need to stay the course of no contact until I'm 100% healed and I know I'm not there yet. But I guess a part of me is happy that the door for a legitimate friendship is open down the road. So onward I go... have a couple more casual dates lined up for later this week that I'm looking forward to. Also made plans to get out of town with other single friends for the weekend.

From another thread.

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Originally Posted by BrentNumber1

Ayejay- have done the NC thing and lived without her for basically 5+ months. Then I opened the door a bit to try to see if a friendship could be rebuilt and she really came back stronger than I was expecting. I think she is having some issues with her current relationship and I have become an outlet. Don't get me wrong, the line is drawn and we don't talk about relationship things at all except maybe in passing reference to the sig. other (mine that ended recently or hers). I refuse to be a shoulder for her to cry on in that regard. We both have a really strong interest in running and have been training together for an upcoming marathon. I guess my problem is that in reconnecting with her I was ok with a casual talk and hang out every couple of weeks/month sort of thing and she is responding with more interest in renewing the friendship than I had anticipated. She initiates most of our communication and I am all too willing to oblige. Just seems odd for someone in a supposedly solid relationship to be talking to/hanging out with a guy that she was at one time intimate with isn't it? Or am I reading far too much into this?
I really am just happy to renew the close bond we used to have and don't really care about the fact that we're not romantically together. But I can't really be sure if this is just me deluding myself with the sliver of false hope that she will want to eventually come back and I will have "won" her affection. I can say that i definitely feel better with her as a part of my life than without her even if it's just in the role of friend. I don't exactly know what that means though and if it is somehow preventing me from moving on. I don't feel like it is, I just haven't found anyway else I consider relationship-worthy in the meantime and after a couple of failures am unwilling to settle just for the sake of being with someone.

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Actually I find this disturbing on many levels.

Also from another thread.

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Originally Posted by BrentNumber1

Good points.
Whatever the status of her current relationship, it's none of my business and I don't really care to know the details and she seems to understand and steer clear of the topic. I don't think I'm being subversive or underhanded in my recently renewed communications but just acting as a good friend.
As for the question of what would happen if I had another girlfriend, I would definitely be willing to give up the friendship for the right reasons and right girl. I have to look out for myself first and if she is holding me back from a happy, healthy relationship I wouldn't hesitate to end the friendship. Afterall, I gave her every opportunity to be a priority in my life and she rejected that chance for whatever reason. I would hope we could remain friends but I would not let the friendship impede my path to ultimate happiness.
Again, I don't really think I'm harboring any false hope but I need to stay on top of things to make sure my actions are solely that of a friend as opposed to a suitor. It's a bit of a tightrope to walk and sometimes feels not altogether worth it.
BTW, sorry for threadjacking this.....

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I thought this line of thinking may be stopping you from complete healing. I think its dangerous in the long term to use another, even an ex, as a temporary crutch until something better comes along. Its also a real red flag that she would be so receptive to you while in a relationship with another. Its also a big red flag that you allow it. Your both stopping each other from being healthy and happy. That's just how I see it.

Note- I took these comments from another thread and moved here so as to not hijack the other thread.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-360015-3.html

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Originally Posted by talaniman

From another thread.

Actually I find this disturbing on many levels.

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Hmmm. Could you explain? Her actions are disturbing, mine, or both and why?

The lines are pretty well set and I have no illusions that she is anything more than a friend. Is it the continued emotional investment we have in each other based on history that is disturbing?

I don't think I'm using her as a friend to get through a rough patch. I truly hope we can stay friends forever. My answer that I would end the friendship if it jeapordized a new relationship was just based on my belief that as much as I care for her as a friend, I can't ever entirely trust her and think she is looking out for my best interests. But I'm sure anyone could say that about anyone but your very closest friends and loved ones. Not all friendships are on the same level and while she is still a dear friend, I consider her demoted from former best-friend status based on past experience. Does this make any sense? I'm trying to make sense of it all myself...

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She initiates most of our communication and I am all too willing to oblige. Just seems odd for someone in a supposedly solid relationship to be talking to/hanging out with a guy that she was at one time intimate with isn't it? Or am I reading far too much into this?
I really am just happy to renew the close bond we used to have and don't really care about the fact that we're not romantically together. But I can't really be sure if this is just me deluding myself with the sliver of false hope that she will want to eventually come back and I will have "won" her affection. I can say that i definitely feel better with her as a part of my life than without her even if it's just in the role of friend. I don't exactly know what that means though and if it is somehow preventing me from moving on. I don't feel like it is, I just haven't found anyway else I consider relationship-worthy in the meantime and after a couple of failures am unwilling to settle just for the sake of being with someone.

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The fact she is in a relationship, is disturbing. The fact that she is contacting you is doubly disturbing. The fact your going along with this without question, gee guy I just don't know if this is wise fro either of you.

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Again, I don't really think I'm harboring any false hope but I need to stay on top of things to make sure my actions are solely that of a friend as opposed to a suitor. It's a bit of a tightrope to walk and sometimes feels not altogether worth it.

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To float along without knowing what's up with her, is not to good an idea in my opinion. That would be my question to her when she first made contact, and I doubt I would continue down this path unless I got a good answer. Friend, ex, or not.

Ok, so we hung out a little bit tonight and went running and afterward she confided that she's planning on breaking up with her current boyfriend this weekend (he is away on business now and coming back then). So her sudden availability and wanting to hang out makes a little more sense in this context.

I guess I'm just so happy to have my friend back I haven't been asking myself the tough questions you've posed because I haven't felt the need. A relationship with her is really the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. Does that make sense?