I want to show my Ex that I am a fun and exciting person, just as I used to be before we got together. My question is this: should I ask him to go fishing with me? Shortly after starting our relationship, I never teased him or flirted with him. I realize that I should have been doing that all along. If I ask him out to the activity, I want to tease and flirt with him to see if there is anything there. By "anything there," I mean any vestiges of the feelings he once had for me, so that I could fan them into flames of desire/love again. Whenever I find a guy I like, I clam up. This is a problem of mine. I realize that whenever I like a guy, I become incredibly shy. So I want to tease and flirt with him to see what could happen.

Note: This activity will happen after the No Contact period as prescribed by the stickies and administrators.

As much as I hope that my situation is unique and hopeful, I know that it is ultimately not. We broke up, and I should move onto bettering myself. However, I'm not sure how many people somehow end up in a relationship if they've never flirted or teased the other person before. Also, we are young and this was our first relationship with anyone ever.

My boyfriend and I started dating soon after meeting each other. We didn't really get to know each other beforehand. We'd only talked over the phone. Later, we didn't get to see much of each other because of school and work. However, when we did go out, it was late on a Saturday evening. Suddenly, we had the same routine every time we met. We ate dinner and watched a movie. We were stuck in a rut, but this was our first relationship. Eventually, we broke up, but we never had any real fights. What happened? Could we have saved the relationship?

I wouldn't. I would move on if I were you. I understand how you feel, but clearly NC hasn't worked for you, as you have done it in a way to eventually get your ex back.

You can give it a shot, but my advice, learn from the past, and make a better future. Leave the past in the past, including your ex.

No. NC is not meant to "win back" an ex. NC is a method used to heal and move forward in life.

I would not recommend any activities with the ex for the foreseeable future. You need to be 100% over them before you can initiate any sort of friendship.

That may or may not ever happen...

If you still have feeling for this guy and you go out with him, all of the emotions and pain associated with the break-up will flood back in to your mind, pretty much putting you right back where you started when everything happened in the first place.

You have to ask yourself... Do I really want to bring all of that pain back? You will if you still have any feelings for him.

The thing is, that he said that we were better off being friends. I believe it too. After we started dating, things just went downhill. We just weren't doing anything together. I'm hoping that we can have fun and exciting times together as more than friends now that we've had a break.

What am I trying to say/ask here?

I guess what I want to know now, is... Is "no contact" actually a means of giving up hope? I understand that "no contact" is a very useful way of forgetting about the ex and moving on... and leaving him in the past. But... is it advisable to try what you didn't do before? What I mean to say, is that I seriously didn't flirt with him or tease him in any way and I want to know if flirting and teasing would have helped at all.

NO CONTACT = an emotional detox for those that are "addicted" to the feeling or emotion of having their now significant other around. A way of clearing your head so, rather than acting on emotions, you act with rational thought and regard.

If he said you are better off as friends, I would assume he did not love you, and your feelings were a bit stronger than his. Leave it alone, in my opinion.

The ex is a ex for a reason

After the no contact period and after you realize why he's your ex (being the problems that each of you had. For example He does... You do... We did... )

It takes two to tango and whenever a relationship goes bad it's because there were problems on both sides

It sounds like you kind of want to win him back but I think when people go back to there ex they open themselves up to a yo-yo relationship

It sounds like you might need more time before you look at being friends with him

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Originally Posted by teastalk

The thing is, that he said that we were better off being friends. I believe it too. After we started dating, things just went downhill. We just weren't doing anything together. I'm hoping that we can have fun and exciting times together as more than friends now that we've had a break.

What am I trying to say/ask here?

I guess what I want to know now, is... Is "no contact" actually a means of giving up hope? I understand that "no contact" is a very useful way of forgetting about the ex and moving on... and leaving him in the past. But... is it advisable to try what you didn't do before? What I mean to say, is that I seriously didn't flirt with him or tease him in any way and I want to know if flirting and teasing would have helped at all.

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"No contact" doesn't mean no hope. It just gives you time to sort through your emotions and thoughts. If find the problems you had with him you avoid this with your next relationship and have a more successful one.

It's just everyone needs time. Break ups have a tendency to hurt both sides.

I feel by doing this is your own way of trying to reach out to your Ex still and scream at them Love me and look at what we could be, and we should be together.

In any relationship be yourself and never be someone different to try and fit in, there are lots of different people out there and you will know when you meet the right one, your soul mate because you can be you as yourself and they will be them as themselves.

Break ups are hard, but you need to move on and have some fun and meet new people.

I've been trying to find it on the internet, but alas, I cannot. Does anyone happen to know of any educational link describing the percentages of exes who get back together?

If this was your only issue - then yes, absolutely, if both partners were able to COMMUNICATE the issue and ACT to change the pattern of behaviour.

But perhaps more importantly is the fact that you're probably fairly young, and one person ultimately got a restless or "grass-is-greener" mentality.

So you're trying to rationalize your chance of success. Word of advice, stop doing it, because you can't. Truth is, the vast majority of breakups are not reconciled and of those that are, most ultimately break again.

You are grasping at straws here my friend... Reminds me so much of myself when I was in your position, I recall searching for something quite similar... You aren't going to find those kind of figures... But I can tell from life experience, from myself and the people around me that the chances are VERY LOW. And like wolfgang said, even when people get back together they usually ultimately split anyway.

The percentage means nothing because people are different. And chances are, it's better to just move on.

I just got off the phone with a good mate of mine and he told me the story of his last relationship (he is now happier than ever with his new love). Without going into too much detail--they were together for 3 years, she went overseas for a semester and still kept in touch everyday. He went to see her and even stayed with her for a few months and all was fine. He goes back home and things start to cool down right away. She asks for a break but we all know what that means--she had met a guy and decided to replace him. Now, my mate is a great guy --our other friends and I always thought she was not good enough for him. So when she broke it off he was torn inside--feeling what we are going through now. He even recognized what step I was in now in the recovery process. After maybe a year or a bit less she comes back home permanently and initiates contact with my mate again. Sadly for her, he had enough time to heal and get the chick off her pedestal. He now knew what we always knew and didn't want to say to him--so as not to risk the friendship. She was not good enough and in many ways was even bad for him. She was holding him back and was carrying way too much baggage and negativity. She wanted him back pretty badly but he had moved on and was seeing another girl --the one he's with now-- and happily rejected her and even told her a few things he had bottled up inside. Today, he thinks his current girl is the best he's had. Maybe she is maybe she is not. The important thing is that the pain was replaced with happiness and he is with someone that loves and appreciates him more than she ever did.

The point of my story is this. There is a very small chance of getting back together with your ex---not all cases are the same and people are different. If you want your slight chance of getting together again than you need a looong time away from each other. Your mindset has to be that you will NOT get back together anyway, so best to move on. Going with NC will help you heal and regroup. You will learn, improve, and eventually you will be your old self again--more like a better version. She might finally realise what she's lost or find that the grass wasn't as green on the other side. IF you have any chance whatsoever of getting her back... well I guess this would be it, now the problem is, most of the time they only want you back when you've moved on. Love is pretty complicated isn't it?

I got back together with my ex... then we broke up again 6 years later. Second breakup was much more heart wrenching than the first.

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Originally Posted by a la king

i got back together with my ex... then we broke up again 6 years later. second breakup was much more heart wrenching than the first.

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And that's why people discourage it :(. To answer your first question though, there isn't a accurate count of the people who got back with the ex in recent years. I know from experience only 10% of the time they work but the 10% is when the break up was forced by circumstance, like one had to move and the other couldn't come with.

U know the saying, leave me once fool on you, leave me twice fool on me. When a relationship is broken up, its hard to put it back together. Think of a glass, once you break it, you can glue it back together hoping water won't spill out. Those marks will always be there, we just have to move on and cope with it. So your better off not waiting, because sometime I, myself wait for someone that I know I shouldn't.

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Originally Posted by tictac16

u know the saying, leave me once fool on you, leave me twice fool on me. when a relationship is broken up, its hard to put it back together. think of a glass, once you break it, you can glue it back together hoping water wont spill out. those marks will always be there, we just have to move on and cope with it. so your better off not waiting, because sometime i, myself wait for someone that i know i shouldnt.

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Yes but it's always tempting to glue the vase back together and hope nobody notices rather than being honest with yourself

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Originally Posted by Starbucks21

Yes but it's always tempting to glue the vase back together and hope nobody notices rather than being honest with yourself

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I told Oliver not to play ball in the house :D

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Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

I told Oliver not to play ball in the house :D

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I was stubborn and I didn't listen...

Then got into a painful yo-yo relationship that really didn't work out at all in the end. The vase didn't hold water at all...

Sometimes things are meant to be the way they are and there's not point in trying to fix it. The more u fix it the more your going to break it. The move you are trying to get your ex( like me) you are pushing them away. And u might end up like me, not being friends anymore. Just remember, there is always a good side to everything. You just have to look for it

The complicated thing about the exes...

Say that she eventually does come back. Will you have 1. moved on from the relationship or 2. actually want her back?

And if you still want her back, would you be able to trust her in the same manner? These breakups add baggage to the relationship.

And when you get back together, will you be sure that she 1. genuinely wants to get back together, 2. thought that you were happy and content without her and had to see if she could still have you, 3. came back on a whim without thinking it through.

In the end, you have to do what's right for you. Make your decision and stick to it. I've made my share of mistakes. In my opinion, it's much easier to move on and start anew than to have all of your expectations thrown out the window again and again.

Well, we broke up and I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like we can change since we didn't have any serious issues. However, the consensus seems to be to implement No Contact and then continue life without him.

I've got news for you, based upon your info you really weren't in any kind of serious relationship. Sorry.

I know I already posted once.. but I cannot stress enough the emotional let down of losing someone a SECOND time. When you get back together you brain and heart do some crazy sh!t. I'm not a religious man by any means... but I thought FOR SURE someone somewhere was listening to my weakest moments when she came back. That second time around I KNEW it must be fate and that were were destined to be together. After over a year apart and we were still on eachothers minds! We talked about what when wrong and both admitted responsibility in our wrong doings.. it was perfect- just the way one would hope it would unfold. When we got back together we didn't skip a beat and eventually we just ignored the break like it didn't even happen. Not because it bothered us or we forgot - but because we just didn't care about it anymore. We were reunited and that's all that mattered. Even in that time apart while dating other people we knew deep down that our hearts belonged to one another.

We ended up building a life together for SIX MORE YEARS. We did everything a normal couple would do (for the most part). Even through the highs and lows I thought without a shadow of doubt that I was going to be with this women until I was on my deathbed (for all you people in new relationships- never have this attitude and always always always understand the risks).

Before I knew it the sh!t hit the fan and I lost her a second time. But this time around it was much much worse. It demolished everything I ever believed in. It tarnished my attitude in regards to love and even now, 6 months later, I'm not sure I know what love is or what I believe in anymore. I've got a wall up around me 20 feet high and I've got my heart locked in my chest sealed in 5 feet of concrete.

The emotional toll just isn't worth it.

People need to understand and realize the pain involved. It's not just about getting back together and feeling all good... it messes with your sense of reality.

And for what it's worth-- during that break we didn't speak one single time. Complete No Contact.

So this post has two purposes. One.. No Contact DOES sometimes work in getting him/her back (so people, stop contacting your exes!)... but just because you get them back doesn't mean they stick with you.

You want a fact? Most people don't want the ex back, not even as friends, after they have healed, and moved on.

I agree. You're young. Continue with school and work. This relationship seemed like it was pretty casual.

And honestly, not that interesting.

This is your first relationship. They get better. Then after those end, they get even better. The cycle continues until you have developed enough as a person from yourself and learned from mistakes to figure out what you want and how to get it. It ain't easy.

I wanted to know what you guys thought about an old relationship. I'm curious to know the opinions since I know "the end of the story" so to speak. Anyway, I was dating a person from overseas who was a college student. He claimed to like me a lot. I didn't want to pursue anything at the time because I felt like I needed to concentrate on schoolwork. However, he kept pursuing me nonetheless. Any time he said something about his feelings, I just told him that I liked him as a friend. After a substantial period we ended up in a relationship. I told him that I didn't want to go out on dates more than once a week. I also didn't want to talk on the phone much because I'm not much of a talker. When we would talk on the phone there was a lot of dead space on my end because I would just be listening to him talk. I'm a naturally quiet person and when I did say anything, the topic must not have been very interesting. During dates he would always split the bill 50/50. He bought me a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates for no reason at some points during our dating history. Then, when I was on the phone when we were in the car together, he got mad that I was chatting with a friend instead of him. Oh yeah, at that point he raised the volume in the car up so loud, that I couldn't hear my friend speaking over the phone. After that, when I looked at guys in the parking lot randomly, he would hold my head still against the car seat so I couldn't look. Either that, or he would cover my eyes with his hand so I couldn't see.

I don't really have a specific question. I just want to know what people think of this relationship. Was it good, was it bad, what could we have done differently...

I think u had a lucky escape

I feel like I damaged this relationship by wanting to spend as much time together as possible without any planned activities in mind. I also feel like I sabotaged the relationship since we talked on the phone every night with no real purpose in mind besides talking on the phone. Also, I held back from teasing him because I didn't want to be mean to him, but I realize that teasing is essential in any relationship. Therefore, I'm feeling down because I feel like it was my fault that the relationship didn't go too far. We did hold hands and kiss; we also went out on a few movie dates and walk around gazing at the stars at the beach. So I did think it was a somewhat serious relationship.

So I'm curious. Do you think if I treated him better, he wouldn't have done the things that he did? He already has a new girlfriend and they've been together for about ten months now and I'm not planning on contacting him. I'm just wondering why he treated me in this manner, but doesn't seem to be treating his new girlfriend like he did me. Do you guys have any opinions on this?

Listen pushing your head against a wheel is an act of violence and aggression and holding your head so you can't look at people is controlling. In short no this wasn't a good relationship and you done nothing wrong HE did and doesn't deserve u. I must admit though it doesn't seem that you were very interested in him but that does not give anyone the right to treat you that way.

Just wait. You'll have better.

From what it sounds like, this really wasn't the one for you, and vice-versa.

But you learn and move on. And when you better yourself from experience, you open yourself up to better things. Think of this as a learning process, and stay positive about this type of thing. It happens everyday to people, and will most likely happen again to you and me.

Well I don't think this relationship was good on either end... Just from the way you talk about it, it seems like you weren't really into it and that you kind of forced it. You resisted the whole way through and that's not the way you should be in a relationship. And when I write that I don't mean it in a mean but just as an observation. Think about it, were you ever really all that into him?

As for him it sounds like he has some trust and jealousy issues. Whether he held your head in a forceful way or playful way it obviously bothered you and wasn't right... kind of pathetic really.

Personally I don't think it was a good relationship... I don't think you should settle for any guy and that when you do really like someone you'll know, and you won't have that resistance, you'll want to go for it. So in the future if its not there don't force it, hold out for something special that you can get excited about.

As for him acting differently with someone else you can't really explain it. People act differently with others. I have a friend who in his previous relationship was extremely jealous and argumentative. ( I am good buds with him and was never on his side when he got upset) He is now in a relationship and he doesn't act like he did before at all. Can't explain why but that's how it goes. Its kind of like how in your future relationships you be excited to talk on the phone with them and crazy about spending time with them... The right person will bring that out in you.

Be thankful its over and don't settle next time. All the best! :)

I realized just now that I never responded to a posted question! Well, I would still want him back, but maybe that's because of all the great memories I have of our early relationship before things got mundane and humdrum since we didn't go out during the day. I actually know for sure that I would be able to trust him in the same manner. I'm not just saying this. If I didn't truly feel I could trust him, I'd just say it. I'm also sure that if he did ask to get back together he'd genuinely want to get back together and have thought it through. A part of me wishes that we'd just get back together even if he wanted to test me to see if I'd take him back or just as a whim, but I know it's not true. I don't know how many people say this about their exes... but he was a truly great person.

I like the comment about relationships being a learning process. I feel like I've learned a lot from this past relationship and am sad that I didn't get a chance to experiment with a lot of different guys before now, so that this relationship could've had a real shot. I really hope that better things will come along in the future.

Lousy relationship. It happens, just date someone else.

If you weren't mad at your boyfriend or girlfriend and you still hoped to get back together...

Would you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that s/he was right about breaking up with you?

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Originally Posted by teastalk

If you weren't mad at your boyfriend or girlfriend and you still hoped to get back together...

Would you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that s/he was right about breaking up with you?

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I wouldn't say anything unless what I was saying was the truth - was he or she right?

No, I wouldn't.

It's all situational. How long have you two been broken up?
Has he/she moved on? etc.

Your not over your ex are you?