Ok guys, things have been going so great with me and this girl lately but I STILL find myself being totally disheartened, or almost unwilling to look at things in a up beat kind of way. Last weekend I hd such a great time with her at the lake with her parents and family... I hung out with her again last night and she fell asleep holding me, but I just can't get past my stupid demons with her. This is the first girl I have had ANY type of feelings for since my EX and I can't stand the fact that I feel clingy when I KNOW I should nt be "less is more!". I know she likes me, and she told me she thinks she likes me more than I like her, but that kind of scares me... I feel so turned around right now. I got a message from my EX about 2 days ago saying "I hope you are ok ( I got in a pretty ****ty wreck) and Im sure you hate me". I didn't respond to it, but every time she contacts me... it messes me up for a bit. Im not sure why, but Im insecure with girls now... I HATE it. I REALLY need some advice on how to chill myself out right now. All I can think about is crap like "why didnt she call me today". How can I make myself just calm down and have fun again? There is no way I'm rushing into this because ist been a year since my last relationship! I think I am too egar to please now! I really like this girl A lot, and I want to see where things could go, but I need to calm the crap down and FAST so I don't screw it up! You guys give the best advice, and I seem to have no problem asking for help from you... so... HELP! :confused:

I think your deal is that you concentrate too much on the past.
The past the past, u can't change that.
What u need to concentrate is the future, the future you want for yourself and the girl who have now :)

Hi Jeff, Your problem is simple, You need a little balance in your life. Your having a great time with this new lady and I'm glad but if you remember, that's not all your life should be about. Take care of other things that are important to you life and you really won't have time to think of the stuff that makes you insecure. Just remember all the things you had to do to get to where your at now and go back to it and try to restore the balance back in your life. Its so natural to think about the past but dwelling on what was may not be healthy. Get back to what worked before.

At least you understand that you are very insecure.

Dude she only part of your life. Not your life. Right now she is like 5% of your life. Chill - do other things. If she calls, she cals, if she doesn't, she doesn't - so what.

You're just going to push her away. Thinks positive - so far everything is great. Has she done anything to make you think otherwise? NO!

As Tal advise - working on other things...

I tyhink taking a long break from girls as well would be important - this gal will mess with head it appears - not good.

Jeff my man, what is your deal? I think you got a bad case of normal and we don't fix normal around here.

Take control back from your ex and change your number. I know it sounds drastic but it will send a very important message, she's a nuisance and you're not interested. As long as she has the ability to text message you because she has your number, she will use that to her advantage to keep contact(control) with you. Changing your number will also keep you from having to text messaging her back just to tell her to leave you alone, which is of course what she is trying to accomplish, contact. She has NO right to intrude in your life in any way or form and she knows that, but she's arrogant enough to think that you'll eventually accept it. Don't! You don't have to hate her, as a matte of fact, the key is not feeling anything for her, total indifference, and that will come in time. I think this will get you over that insecure hump you're feeling.

You've proven to yourself that you can go out and get the attention of every girl in the room. You are intelligent enough and funny enough to carry on a conversation and show someone a good time. I don't think those are the characteristics of an insecure man. Are you still planning on becoming a doctor? Talk about the wow factor!

Now you've come across this new gal who's kind of special, and she's realized the same in you (boy, you got to give us a name, this new gal stuff is too confusing) and she's treating you in that way. She is following your lead, by taking it slow, that's a good thing Jeff. You're used to gulping and when you gulp, it doesn't last. Sip and enjoy it, savor this time.

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Originally Posted by momincali

Jeff my man, what is your deal?! I think you got a bad case of normal and we don't fix normal around here.

Take control back from your ex and change your number. I know it sounds drastic but it will send a very important message, she's a nuisance and you're not interested. As long as she has the ability to text message you because she has your number, she will use that to her advantage to keep contact(control) with you. Changing your number will also keep you from having to text messaging her back just to tell her to leave you alone, which is of course what she is trying to accomplish, contact. She has NO right to intrude in your life in any way or form and she knows that, but she's arrogant enough to think that you'll eventually accept it. Don't! You don't have to hate her, as a matte of fact, the key is not feeling anything for her, total indifference, and that will come in time. I think this will get you over that insecure hump you're feeling.

You've proven to yourself that you can go out and get the attention of every girl in the room. You are intelligent enough and funny enough to carry on a conversation and show someone a good time. I don't think those are the characteristics of an insecure man. Are you still planning on becoming a doctor? Talk about the wow factor!

Now you've come across this new gal who's kinda special, and she's realized the same in you (boy, ya gotta give us a name, this new gal stuff is too confusing) and she's treating you in that way. She is following your lead, by taking it slow, that's a good thing Jeff. You're used to gulping and when you gulp, it doesn't last. Sip and enjoy it, savor this time.

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http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_55.gifWas told to 'spread it', but Mom3 here really said it, Jeff.

Savor the time, don't rush, and concentrate on an independent future, so that you can share it and your new strength when the time comes.

Your 'ex' has absolutely no right to enter your privacy or you mind again, and you must make that clear.

If I were your new g/f, and knew about this, I would tell her off in no uncertain terms !

It's also OK for your new gal to like you more than you like her - there is no rivalry in the scale of feelings and it should not frighten you. She's just telling you your are the coolest, so accept it and enjoy it. Some people are actually fearful of too much affection just as they fear rejection - but I don't need to tell you that. Just try and keep the scales balanced a little and enjoy.

Keep us posted.
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Mom2

I'd would once and for all tell you EX to - LEAVE ME A LONE!

That's it - text it to her. NOW!!

She is JUST yanking your chain. That ex is ONE messed up gal. If I were her husband I would be extremely angry.

Do not contact your Ex ever again - she was a massivetaker and wants to see IF she still has you.

Ok, Im doing that right now!

I think it's best. And I bet she gets all upset... that is one messed up gal to be recently married and then texting old boyfriends...

Done and done! Feels good, but Im sure this isn't the last I will hear from her... How do I get past this insecurity BS now with the new girl? Its not like I should have any reason to worry, but I do. I feel like if she doesn't call me one freaking day, she's losing interest and that is STUPID! I just saw her on Wed... I need some kind of SLAP! I know all Im going to do is try and convince myself she doesn't really like me and push her away. Ive never been insecure with women before, but my gut is telling me to bail before I have anything invested in her. Why am I being such a child about this?

Your last post is BS and you know it. Instead of sitting, thinking of crap like that, you mean you can't think of something positive or productive to do with yourself? Get away from the phone and do something that Jeff needs to do to make himself better. If you still can't figure out something you have too much time on your hands, so volunteer for a worthy cause like a children's hospital or a homeless shelter. Then you can see for yourself people with real problems. Consider yourself SLAPPED! Now get moving!

We've ALL had these feelings...

The BEST way I delt with them, besides drinking - not a good options, was to go for a really long run or bike ride - or lift weights - it helps... those feelings go away rather quickly then.

Also leaving my cell in a drawer helps.

Figured something out tonight... I went over to her house for a bit tonight, and things were off to say the least. We didn't talk much and weren't very close to each other. I was there for about 2hrs and she said she was tired, so I said I would leave. We hugged (no kiss) and I said "bye". Half way to my car I said to myself "what the hell am I doing" and went back. She came out VERY happy that I came back. She came out and we talked for about an hour about everything between us and finally got that "closeness" back. I just told her I was pulling back a bit because I was scaring myself by liking her, but then I realized... crap... if you like someone and want anything to happen from it... YOU have to let your guard down! We both agreed we want to get to know each other more before we put any "titles" on things... but we both think we are on the same page. I actually feel very relieved that I could talk to her about what I was thinking and she just squeezed me and kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. This is the first girl I have really liked since my ex, and Ive been so freaked out about getting hurt again that I didn't realize I am just being an idiot, and in turn ruining a possible good thing for myself. WHEW!! I just have to take that chance again and let her see who I am... and Im ready for that now! Going back to talk to her showed me that, and her response to it shows me I made the right choice!! No regrets from here on out people... I never know if I don't try, and I don't think I would be doing myself or her any justice if I don't go for it!! Im going to see a movie with her tomorrow night, so its back to Mr. fun!! Easy going, laid back, and just MYSELF!! Out of my funk, and ready to give this an honest shot!! Thought I would share!

Oh. I sent a message to my EX telling her I was fine from my wreck, and I didn't think she should be contacting me anymore because we both have our own lives now, and Im doing just fine with the way things are between us right now! Hopefully that will be the LAST I hear from her!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jeffatl

Figured something out tonight.... I went over to her house for a bit tonight, and things were off to say the least. We didnt talk much and werent very close to eachother. I was there for about 2hrs and she said she was tired, so I said I would leave. We hugged (no kiss) and I said "bye". Half way to my car I said to myself "what the hell am I doing" and went back. She came out VERY happy that I came back. She came out and we talked for about an hour about everything between us and finally got that "closeness" back. I just told her I was pulling back a bit because I was scaring myself by liking her, but then I realized.....crap......if you like someone and want anything to happen from it....YOU have to let your guard down!! We both agreed we want to get to know eachother more before we put any "titles" on things.....but we both think we are on the same page. I actually feel very relieved that I could talk to her about what I was thinking and she just squeezed me and kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. This is the first girl I have really liked since my ex, and Ive been so freaked out about getting hurt again that I didnt realize I am just being an idiot, and in turn ruining a possible good thing for myself. WHEW!!!!! I just have to take that chance again and let her see who I am......and Im ready for that now! Going back to talk to her showed me that, and her responce to it shows me I made the right choice!!!! No regrets from here on out people.....I never know if I dont try, and I dont think I would be doing myself or her any justice if I dont go for it!!! Im going to see a movie with her tomorrow night, so its back to Mr. fun!!! Easy going, laid back, and just MYSELF!!!! Out of my funk, and ready to give this an honest shot!!!! Thought I would share!!

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I just couldn't be prouder of you! It takes a lot to turn around and go back.. not too many men would swallow their pride - but they are the ones who are left wondering the rest of their lives. Life is all about taking chances - it's what moves us forward.

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Jeff - couple... I am blunt - but I know...

You're going to scare this gal AWAY. Why are you sharing you're feelings so soon... it should ALL be light and fun. You're supposed to be the fun guy - not the all serious guy. She was not excited to be with you because your coming on too strong - she needs her space - IF she's a long tern gal, you WILL have plenty of time to be with her.

I doubt you've given her anytime to miss you. Wome need. Please don't tell you're calling her every day. Please.

You put too much IMPORTANCE into this already. You put too much importance into things and you will worry about being hurt. You ARE setting yourself up to be hurt.

I still think you're seeing her WAY too much too soon. Be busy - do other things - let her have a life

And the ex - why earth did you you share anything with her - it's OK BYE - this was a gal who played you tyo the tee - you don'r want anything to do with that gal - she's jaded... F's with you.

I agree with you cat. I DO need to step back a little and stop trying to force things so much. I went to a movie with her tonight (clerks II... VERY FUNNY BTW!! ). I couldn't leave with things like they were the other night though, that would have just been bad form. Things were SUPER light tonight, and VERY fun for both of us! We went out for some drinks before hand and just talked about "light" stuff from about an hour or so, just laughing and having a good time. I do think I need to step back a touch and let her miss me a little though. I haven't been calling her much at all, she actually calls me MOST of the time. I am going to give her some space though, and just let her soak in things, and reflect on the time that we have spent together. Tonight I think I showed her I am the fun guy that I know I am, and things were fun! I will take your advice to heart, and back off a little so I don't scare her off. Thanks for looking out!!

Dude - you going to push this gal away.

Give her 4 or 5 days to herself at least... what's the rush? She's going to get freaked out soon - I can already tell. YOU NEED THE TIME AS WELL!!

I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT HERE DUDE - I DON'T WANT YOU TO CRASH AND BURN. YOU'RE HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION. You seemed real geeked out about this woman.

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don't let on how excited you've become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

I see your point bud. I need to take a step back and give her some space, and I need some time to let things soak in as well. We have been spending a TON of time together over the past few weeks, and I Don't want to freak her out. I am going to give her some her time and take some time for myself as well. I do like her a lot, and I know she likes me, so that seems to be the right direction to go. I need to let her miss me, and I need to miss her too! Thanks!

PLEASE do this!!

I think you've put WAY too much importance into this - way to early.

I don't want to see you crash and burn.

Seriously - if you feel like you need to call her - call a friend - OR VENT HERE!!

For the love of god - it will pass!

Cool, I get you... dotn worry so much. I have been trying to use everything you tell me Cat, I trust you! How do I go about giving her some space? Don't call her, even if she doesn't call me? I don't want her to think Im flaking out on her or anything... you know? I do see that we both need some time to let things soak in a bit, Im just not sure exactly how to go about it...

I am not worried about anything... I don't want to see you the way you were with the last girl - do you?

WAIT a while to return her calls. There is simple NO reason to answer every freaking call - or return every call - your busy - she will love you for it!

You're thinking like a guy - she will never think you're flaking.

You go a week with out seeing her - what do you think eill happen? She's going to forget your name? She will love you for it.

I've to lyou time agan - BE BUSY - other things in life.

Got it!! AND will DO it... =)

Be busy... but have a feeling you can't control yourself.

I don't want you to chase her away.

Don't know how long you've been dating the new girl, but damn if you like her and you want to be with her, then be with her. Wildcat is right most of the time about a lot of things, but I think that if you ignore this girl for four or five days, then it is also going to push her away. Now don't get me wrong, it is the ultimate GAME to play if you want to see whether she is psycho, but that is what it is-a game. If you want to go slow, wait like every 2 or three days to call, but not 4 or five. If I were with a guy and we had a great relationship like it sounds like you two have-and then you didn't call me for that amount of time, I would think you are a jerk and were just trying to get into my pants in the first place. Then I would have no respect for you.

See - he's coming on too strong. I didn't stop contact - he should return her calls and text. But just don't be so anxious so early.

Just got this message...


I like you a lot and I always have a great time hanging out with you and especially talking with you but the bottom line is, I know that I'm not ready for this. I know it's best to tell you now before things get more intense. You know it's pretty early for me to get involved with someone especially so quickly. I did not expect this to happen. Especiallly when I like you so much (you know how I feel about you). I wouldn't have been talking with you if I didn't see it going somewhere but I just can't do this.

I just wanted to be completely honest with you. I especially don't want to hurt your feelings. I do care about you, but I don't want to lead you on. I had to say something.

I hope that you aren't mad at me and that we can remain friends. Although if you don't want to be my friend I do understand.

Please write me back and let me know what you think. SOrry about the whole "message" thing, but I don't have the balls to do this in person especially with how I feel about you.

What do you guys think about this crap! Over?

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Originally Posted by jeffati

what do you guys think about this crap!? Over?

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I think its not right to call it "crap". Its just the "crash and burn" Wildcat has been warning about. Until you learn to listen to others better, you'll be baffled. "Over" is too black & white of a term to use unless it's a game you're talking about.

Jeff, unfortunately, this gal is not as much of a woman as wel would have liked her to be. She is entitled to feel whatever she wants and it doesn't make her a bad person, but damn it if she shouldn't have to have the spine to tell you this in person. I know people have difficulties with different things, but because it's difficult doesn't mean you can't do it. I think she should have sucked it up and came over to your place and had this discussion face to face like a real grown up.

I think it really sucks that she did it this way and in my opinion, she doesn't really deserve a pat on the back saying, oh, it's okay, this stuff happens... that's bologna. Yeah, it's good she said it now, and didn't let things get carried away, but she really should have been a little more considerate of your feelings and done the right thing in the right way. You don't ever dear john a guy with a message like that, especially a really good guy like you, no matter how hard it is. To me, this shows a little insight of selfishness and looking-out-for-me attitude, typical of most immature guys actually.

So sorry about this one. In my never to be humble opinion, move on. You're too busy and you already have too many female friends to add this one to the list.

Jeff- NO contact for 3 months. She is throwing the ball to your court. NO contact!

Sorry jeff but I agree with val, I really think this is what Wildcat has been warning you about.
It smacks of it.
And NO, I agree with mom that she didn't say this to you in the right way but we can only concentrate on your actions and how you control situations.
Good lesson for us all here on what Wildcat preaches.
Her words just seem to indicate that she is somewhat scared off by how fast everything is moving...

Its not necessarily over in my opinion but I do think you need to back completely off. Laugh at this, you don't need her, this doesn't affect you and where you are going.
So what. Just another one that didn't work. You'll find someone else just as easy as this one came along.
Keep us posted.

like you a lot and I always have a great time hanging out with you and especially talking with you but the bottom line is, I know that I'm not ready for this. I know it's best to tell you now before things get more intense. You know it's pretty early for me to get involved with someone especially so quickly. I did not expect this to happen. Especiallly when I like you so much (you know how I feel about you). I wouldn't have been talking with you if I didn't see it going somewhere but i just can't do this.

These words just seem to indicate that she was feeling pressure in this relationship already, would you agree? At this early stage from what I have learnt here the last thing either party wants or needs is pressure. It lost its light heartedness and fun too quickly. Maybe this because you slept together early on.. could be many reasons..
From all your posts everyhting did seem rushed, even if to you it appeared you were going slowly. It must be hard to step back and slow down when you are caught up in it so I completely understand. But we can only learn from this can't we...

Im so ****ing pissed off... I am so giving up... throwing in the towel... I just can't give parts of me to anyone anymore... sorry, I just cant. I tried and failed again... call me what you will, but I just can't deal right now... **** it... Im so disheatend right now... Wildcat, feel proud because you were right, the nice guy always finishes last... but I guess I only have ME to blame... I guess the name of the game is treat women like complete crap so the can't screw you over... thats the next role I will take over. Im so pissed off right now I can't even tell you... I Didn't push too hard no matter what ANY of you say. I followed HER lead... want TOLTALLY honest, and got SCREWD again. I guess my approach might not be what you say "is the right one" but it's the only one I know, so now I give the **** up... screw it... if I can't follow my heart and be myself then I don't want it, **** games... if that means I walk this earth alone, so be it! I can't deny the way I am... Im done... call me a quitter, I don't care. Im drunk right now, so ridicule me for it... I GIVE UP!!

"Listen to and USE all of the advice given here (by the people that know what they are talking about!) It works, and Im PROOF of that people...... I can't even begin to tell you............"

That's your tagline buddy. You got past your ex and you WILL get past this one too, I don't give a crap what you say. You WILL NOT quit, you might wake up with a headache though...

We're still here...

I ****#ing QUIT!! How about that.. Ok, I give and give, but gilrs only like assh#les that play Fu#king games, and SORRY but that's not ME... I can't do it... Im done here... and with all the BS that is "the game" because I can't play it... F IT! LAST POST here... Relationships are too much BS for me... I am just going to close myself off, that seems to be the only way women will really want anything to do with you... Its so much easier to be alone with NO feelings whatsoever... why the FUC# would you ever want to be "In love"... all it brings is complete BS. Thanks for all the advice guys, but Im over it... Done with the crap and BS that comes with it... You either have it, or you don't... PERIOD!

Hi Jeff, Hope you read this after your head clears a little. I think I've felt the same way you do now, except I've had a lot more rejections. Yeah, it sucks especially when you like the girl a lot and she seems to like you. Every rejection taught me something though and I just kept on going. Call me dumb but its not the end of the world. You'll come around and get to that point that exclusive relationships are not important for now, and you don't have to have a g/f to go out and have fun. Love them all. The kind of woman you really want is out there and since you seem like a good dude you'll find one just like you found this one. Going slow is for your protection and you have to admit you jumped into this one faster than you knew you should. Now handle this rejection like the class act that you are, and date and have fun, Love and romance is so far down the road and you just have to find that one that's on the same page as you. The last one was close, but not close enough. You know the drill no contact, go back to fun with no strings. What's wrong with being with a hundred women till you find the one? Keep going.

Jeff... It's OK to make mistakes... I have to say I tried to warn you... you need to just learn from this...

You can listen to us here, or make the mistakes in the field.

I just could tell you were coming on way too strong - women hate that AND it's a little creepy. WOMEN NEED SPACE!! Especially early on. You do all the spend a lot of time together in a year... early on your just getting to know them. They need to know you have life outside of the relationship - always calling, e-mailing, having to have to get together - is TOO MUCH early on.

I've been there - done that. When I say pull back - pull back - I don't want to see you hurt or lose!! Trust me! I am not even there and I knew what was going on.


YOU CAN'T push love. You can't convince some one to like you.

You really smothered this gal... she seems like a good girl that really knows what she was doing.

For like 3 and more like SIX months you CAN'T put too much importance into someone, because they will leave.

You got to stop putting pressure on women. Women are part of oyur life - not your life.

Early on it's one step forward... two steps back. Time your time - SLOW.

I've given you guidance on about 50 matters - and, to slapp your wrist, you choose to ignore it and crash and burn.

Only see them once a week early on or less - LESS IS MORE FOR WOMEN. LESS OF JEFF IS MORE. YOU WANT THEM TO WANT YOU - You're there al lthem time and it's creepy.

Steps for Jeff...

1. Go slow

2. Be busy with other stuff - she will love yo ufor it

3. See them once a week or less early on. There is no rush - this is a marathon

4. Less is more!!

5. it takes women longer to decide about you... learn about women - the rely on their feelings - NOT LOGIC. You're always in their face and it creeps them out. Wildcat has made this mistake many times.

6. Make is WAY less imnportant early on - KEEP your options open - date others the first 3 months... she may leave/bail any day the first 3 to 6 months.

ALWAYS AND FOREVER JEFF: Your biggest obsticle is... you put WAY too much importance early on. You really don't know these women. You may not like them in a couple months. They may REALLY be nags, no class, massive be-atches... etc.

This gal had no class... she couldn't tell you face to face and tell you how you feel.

BUT, she DID warn you she WOULD hurt you. You SHOULD have puleld WAY back as I advised.

Yeah, I give up too. I burned the eggs this morning... again! I should have learned my lesson when I burned them a while back. I was doing okay, watching them closely, but this time the flame was on a little too high and... poof, they went up in smoke.

I guess I'll just have to get by in life without ever eating eggs again cause this was humiliating for me. I know my kids will miss them, but, heck, life is hard, it's just another lesson they'll have to learn...

Or... I can just handle it like a grown up, lick my wounds, shake off my ego and try it again, only this time with the flame way down, with one hand on the flame and the other on the spatula... watching the edges if they brown... listening to Emeril Lagasse's advice on how to do this correctly... yeah, maybe... this way I won't miss out on one of the greatest experiences in life... dining on one of my favorite meals. Also, I won't be depriving others of what I have to give and maybe even teaching them a lesson or two along the way.