Me and my girlfriend were together for 7 months and she broke up with me saying that she felt my world revolved around her. This is true cause I stopped doing a lot of things I loved cause she didn't much care for it and started doing things she only loved to do so she felt like she didn't want me to be just like her. She said she started dating me cause I had a life and had interests and now she felt I had become a male copy of her. She wants me to be the guy she started to date in the beginning. She's 18 and I'm 24 and we are already best friends. I tell her everything and vice versa.
So when she asked for the break up I was really hurt. But agreed with it. And we are already still talking and hanging out as friends. I did of course reduced the amount of phone conversations from like 5 or so a day down to like a phone call a day. Cause I want her to feel like I have started sorting myself and focusing on my work, which I have started doing... I don't talk about the relationship with her either.
She told her friend that she would definitely take me back if I continued being focused like this. The thing that bothers me is just after we broke up I asked her if and when we were going to get back together... and she said she doesn't know how long she will need... anyway this was about a month ago...
We have been apart for a month now. She has been really put off by my behaviour when I got drunk two times during this month cause her dad is an alcoholic and so was her ex. She told she wants to be with someone emotionally stronger than her. Anyway I promised her I wouldn't get drunk anymore and things have been going great.. we talk a lot and have a lot of fun... and I asked her if she would be interested in casually dating again... but she told me she's not ready yet... she needs more time... so what can I possibly do to improve my chances with her and get her back with me?

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Originally Posted by greystoke

she told me shes not ready yet...she needs more time...so wat can i possibly do to improve my chances with her and get her back with me?

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You do EXACTLY what she asked of you... give her more time. For all intents and purposes you aren't broken up, you still talk to one another daily.

I think that if you have to change yourself to be with someone, then they aren't worth being with. Going off the fact that she wanted to go out with you in the first place not because of who you are but because of what you do shows that she's not worth it.

Forget this girl and focus on you.

As much as rockerchick and I have been disagreeing lately I have to agree with her. If you change and stop doing things you enjoy just impress a girl, then are you truly happy?

TO ME being truly happy is knowing I can do the same things I did before and know my fiancé doesn't care. She loves me regardless! I didn't have to change for her!

Hey j_9. Thanks for the quick reply. She also told me a relationship should start naturally and go form being best friends with each other and then evolve. Anyway all this is fine, but she still occasionally says stuff like I can't promise you ill be with you, you have to treat it like a break up. Do u think I should avoid talking about the past with her... cause she occasionally brings its up... should I refuse to talk about it and treat this as a brand new relationship? She sometimes gets physical with me, like light pecks on the shoulder. Sleeping with her head on on my lap, stuff she doesn't do with her other friends. Do you think I should stop her from doing that?

Maybe you should gear this question toward a relationship expert for better advice!

SORRY!

Sorry I'm new to this... could someone answer this please?

All I am saying is you shouldn't have to change the way you are. This girl is making you change so much and pretty soon you're going to look back at who you were and miss it.

My opinion is you shouldn't change who you truly are to impress another individual!

Thanks ITstudent. I understand what your saying... and she herself said trying to change me was a big mistake... and now she just wants me to be the guy I used to be when we started dating... to have my own interests, to be my own man, and yet have a ton of fun when we are together... which is how it is right now... but what confuses me is she will say this... but then she will say she can't make any promises... its like I'm prety much back to normal... but maybe she just needs time...

You are in the position of NO POWER, since you are waiting on her, continue being self-fulfilled and focused and give it time!


p.s. I am 21 years old and engaged so I feel weird trying to give you advice!

I'm 22 and she's 18

22 or 24??

22

Wow... ur engaged... must be awesome :)

It is. I didn't have to change to be happy and she likes me for me and my habits and hobbies.

You'll figure this out like I said before you're in a position where you have NO control. Continue focusing on work.school and being yourslef and if she truly likes you for you, she'll be back!

Thanks ITStudent. :) another question I have is how much space do you give your finace? Like how often do you call? Or do you guys take a lot of time apart? I feel that me and my ex spent waaay too much time together.

We live together. When she's gone on a trip I call her, when she's out with her friends for the night I don't (it's her time)

We see each other everyday we live together and it'swonderful, of course there'sbeen hard times but you have to communicate. Communication is key in a successful relationship, ask her what SHE wants and give it to her (literally) with an exception of changing your character

I guess to a large extent we were suffocating each other... cause we called each other a lot and hardly spent time with other people up until now... even when we went out as a group... we would go off and do our own thing... we hardly gave each other any space... its like I try to do my own thing... but it still feels like I'm in a relationship with her... the most annoying thing being that I don't know where this is going.. I wish she would just say.. lets just go a break... I don't understand why she needs a break up... any ideas?

When I first dated my fience she boke it off for a week saying she fealt she was too young to be committed to one guy (she said this when she realized she loved me and it scared her knowing I was the last guy she'll be with)
This may or maynot be what's happening but what you need to do is give it time and give her decent space. Act like friends but don't be scared to let her know you'll wait for her, and that you'll always be there but on the same coin continue your life as normal as possible

Yeah, it feels like that's the situation... it feels like she doesn't want to commit until she feels I'm fully back to the guy I used to be... heres another thing... a few people have asked me out since we've broken up.. but I've turned them all down... is this bad in her eyes... cause she asks why I don't even consider them or check to see if they are nice people... I just don't care about any other girl but her right now... do you think that would give her more power?

What I see here is that you are making her the center of your being, and everything you do revolves around her! In the beginning she wanted you to do things that she liked, so you dropped your things and only did what she wanted you to do. Then you didn't know what to do with yourself, so you clung even more to her! Then she turned around and said... wait a minute, I have to entertain this guy all of the time, and now I'm not so happy with this! She needed to ask you for space, but you aren't hearing her! You are being clingy and needy. Girls don't like clingy needy guys!. and visa versa! You really haven't changed what you were doing before.

You only started doing the things you liked because she asked you to. Be honest! If she turned around tomorrow and said she was wrong, and wanted you to start doing all of the things that she liked again, you would do them wouldn't you? I'm pretty sure the answer to that is yes!

It really doesn't even sound like you have really broken up! You said you used to call her 5 times a day. Are you kidding me? No wonder she asked for space. Now you are only calling her once a day, and I can tell if you could go back to 5 times, you would! You need to back off and give her what she asked for! If you don't do that, trust me you WILL lose her.

What you NEED to do if you want your relationship to work, is go through the actual time apart. You need to talk with her and tell her that you've realised that you haven't been respecting what she asked you to do, which is giving her space. Then DO IT! Stop calling her everyday. Give her a chance to miss you for God sakes! What are you afraid she will do if you don't call her? Are you afraid that she will forget you exist, and date someone else? If she did want to do that, you can't stop her anyway, and holding her tighter won't keep her closer, but in fact will do the opposite.

Hey starbuck8... wat your saying makes perfect sense... and I have to agree with you 100%. It kind of hard to give her space cause our friend group is the same we go to college together... and she's my neighbour... so I guess the only space I can give her is by reducing the phone calls... but now I find she calls me quite a bit.. should I not answer her calls sometimes?

Well I think you should talk to her, and tell her that it's confusing things when you are still talking everyday, and hanging out. Take control of the situation and tell her that maybe a little distance will help both of you to think more clearly and start behaving like you did in the beginning. For now, you both need that break. You need it yourself and you don't need distractions. Of course you will miss talking to her, but either of you calling all of the time will just not help with that. That is the only way she is going to take you seriously.

Thanks again starbuck8!. I shall take your advice and see how it goes. When it comes to hanging out... since we have common friends and go out all the time... do you think I should also limit how much she sees me by not hangin out with her as a group? She just called me a few minutes ago and asked me when I was coming back since I'm out of town visitn the parents...

Yes, I would limit hanging out in the same group for a little while. I know you have the same friends, but being around the same places all of the time is not going to change things. Again, if she sees you everyday or even several days a week, she has no time to miss you. She's not actually treating you fairly either. She wants her space, but she keeps on calling and hanging out with you too. She needs to make up her mind which it is that she wants!

Yeah that's true... but what if all she is doing is trying to solidify our friendship first so we can actually get back together... I know for a fact she tells me stuff she doesn't tell anyone... so my only concern is if I stop calling her wouldn't the bonding stop? Cause I tried this the first few weeks we broke up... and all it did was put some serious distance by the way us... and we started talking like we were strangers... so I was like screw that and started talking to her more... and she opened up to me so much... so you can see why I'm a little worried about doing it all over again

This is just a lot of game playing and guessing going on. There is no real communication. If you have a "bond" a couple of weeks or even months isn't going to make it or break it. If after only a few weeks you were talking like strangers, then that is what you are! I believe what you are doing is mistaking acting like strangers, to acting awkward because you weren't communicating with her. I don't mean just talking to her or seeing her, but actually listening. That goes both ways. You are overthinking this. Even I'm making this more complicated than it needs to be, with my answer. Don't think it to death or you will only cause more problems.

Good luck!

Yeah I think what you say is true... it was definitely awkward.. maybe that's what I mistook for us acting like strangers. Anyway for the first time in ages I've actually been ignoring her calls... and already I have like 2 messages on 2 missed calls. I didn't respond to anything.. I plan on telling her I was busy working on my sculpture... which is true... I think I need to get some space and give it to her whether she wants it or not.. cause I know I need it to get myself back on track. Thanks Starbuck8

Get a life without her in it, and leave her alone, unless you can handle JUST being a friend. If you can't and think she will change her mind, disappear from her life because you'll never be romantic partners again.

Honestly, you won't even be best friends once someone else comes along. Sorry that's how it works.

One month is definitely not enough time for her to feel comfortable that you have changed. She needs much more time of being just friends to see that you are doing it for you and not something temporary to prove that you can be different. It takes time to establish a FOR REAL set pattern of change. She realizes that one month is only enough time to 'sucker' her back in and then you start your same habits again all too easily.
Give her more time and continue with the change. Quit asking when because it only reinforces her uneasiness of your sincerity.

Thanks NOhelp4u. Makes a lot of sense :)... ill keep doing what I am doing... I really need to work on me. Cheers

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Get a life without her in it, and leave her alone, unless you can handle JUST being a friend. If you can't and think she will change her mind, disappear from her life because you'll never be romantic partners again.

Honestly, you wont even be best friends once someone else comes along. Sorry thats how it works.

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I just read through talaniman's post... does he mean there is no hope of us getting back together? talaniman, if your reading this... please respond... thanks

Your invested to emotionally for a 7 month thing, and cannot see your in the friend zone any way.

Your whole goal is to heal, and see things in a realistic light, and be able to make reasonable decisions for yourself, based on fact, and not just feelings. While your holding on trying to figure out how to get back what you have lost, your not healing.

That's what No Contact gives you, a chance to let the emotional dust settle.

If she is to change her mind, it must be without your influence, so you need to disappear from your best friends life.

First of all there is a big difference, she being 18 and you being 24. You have to work through your issues and concentrate on what's good for you, right now. I would go with NC right now, and stop begging her to date again, as hard as it is. Work on yourself, and get yourself back on track. Meet new friends as hard as it is. A few months from now you will be able to see things more clearly.

Just wanted to say thanks to all you guys for the great feedback. I know what I need to do now... :)

Care to share?

Focus on me... go all NC and I'm going to ask her to get back with me anymore... if she wants to get back, great... but I need time to fix myself... cause I can see myself making the same mistakes if I get back into a relationship anytime soon

Me and my girlfriend have been broken up for a month and a half now cause she felt like my world revolves around her and that I lost myself and she wants me to go back to the way I used to be when we first started anyway... anyway I followed the advice on this site and started doing this for me and not just to get her back... I started to focus on my work and what I wanted to do with my life... we didn't have a period of NC cause we stayed friends and hung out pretty much everyday.
... I feel really good about myself now and feel back on track... but there is a bit of a problem... my ex is responding really well to all this and has been getting closer and closer to be day by day... she started hugging me and calling me more often just to see what I'm doing. I started to make the changes for me and not for her... but I'm seeing that its having a really positive effect on her... anyway yesterday we were chilling out alone and ended up kissing for the first time in a month and a half. And it was great... anyway after it was all over.. she was really affectionate with me and told me that she's not ready yet... and I was like its fine with me... and we haven't talked about it since... but today while we were in college alone she was really really couply with me... like cuddling and stuff. So what I want to know is... wat do I do now? I mean do I continue and be couply with her until she feels like she is ready? Should I tell her to stop?. im kind of at a loss right now... any help would be really appreciated! I do want her back... but dono how to go about doing it.

OK guys... ive been focusin on me like I said... but my ex and I continue to hangout as friends... cause its next to impossibel to go NC with her cause we study in the same college and are neighbours... and lately all I've been doing is focusing on my work and getting myself back on track... I feel really good about myself... but there is a bit of a problem... my ex is responding really well to all this and has been getting closer and closer to be day by day... she started hugging me and calling me more often just to see what I'm doing. I started to make the changes for me and not for her... but I'm seeing that its having a really positive effect on her... anyway yesterday we were chilling out alone and ended up kissing for the first time in a month and a half. And it was great... anyway after it was all over.. she was really affectionate with me and told me that she's not ready yet... and I was like its fine with me... and we haven't talked about it since... but today while we were in college alone she was really really couply with me... like cuddling and stuff. So what I want to know is... wat do I do now? I mean do I continue and be couply with her until she feels like she is ready? Should I tell her to stop?. im kind of at a loss right now... any help would be really appreciated!

Quite being so available, and stop acting like a couple when your not. Kissy face friends does you no good, and will not get her back.

That's the problem, your focused on her and her needs, but what of yours??

What has the last week of this behavior done, to get her back? Whether its intentional or not she is feeding you false hope, and your going along willingly.