hey guys I am new to this site so please bare with me =)

I am 26 year old male who I would say am a good looking guy, I own my own house, I have a good job etc... I guess what I am trying to say is I have a good life and I have a lot to show for.

Now 6 montn I fell deeply in love with an old friend from high school which I haven't seen for years. I have been doing anything in the book for this person, from romantic to sweet stuff, anything you could think of I have done it for her.

however my problem is I DO NOT get the same treatment back at all, she keeps on telling me that she is not sure if she wants a serious relationship but at the same time when I try to walk away she says she can't let me go because she cars about me too much. This has been going on for 6 month now, and my heart hurts, everyone I know tells me to walk away but I find it so hard because I am so in love with her... Any advice guys on what I shlould do please advise. Thank you so much and sorry for the lengthy e-mail!!

Hi Kadd0007,

Firstly welcome to AMHD :)

Ok secondly have you ever spoken to her upfrontly about your feelings for her? Expressed your feelings to her?
Besides giving her all these materialist things!

She says she is not sure if she wants a serious relationship, but how can a relationship be serious in it first few months!! Think about it.

Well we have been together for 6month now, and yes I told her how I feel about her. Now when I say that I did a lot for her trust me I did not mean that I go out and buy her the world lol. What I mean was I am there for her when she needs me, if she needs help I am right there for her and some cute corny stuff lol.

Now my problem is at some point she told me she was falling for me and so on, next month is different. She has constent mood swings =( and I almost never ever see anyting in return, she barely ever calls, she never does those nice corny things that I would love, she never tells me she misses me, ans she ever barely wants to spend time with me.

Now after all that she still refuses to let me go, I mean is she scared of commitement, is she keeping me around because she doesn't want to be alone??

That's why I am so confused, my heart tells me stay but my head and logic tells me to walk away, I hope this helped??

Ok have u heard of the saying :-
Treat them mean keeps them keen?? ;).

Why is she scared of commitment?
Has she had a bad experience?

I am not trying to sound weird but I never heard of that saying? It does sounds intersting though, would you care to explain it to me please?

We all had bad breakups and bad experiences, and I know that she did, she tells me all the time, but I am paying the price for it...

So in other words do I stay and try some more even tough this is tearing me apart or do I leave?

If you are going to ask me is she is worth the stay well, 2 month ago I wouls have said yes but now its fading, the pain is really starting to get to me??

WOW I'm shocked :eek:
It means basically what it states! Literally - word for word.

Yes of course we grow stronger and independent with certain experience we share in life.

I personally, would leave. I wouldn't put it up with no longer.
You said, 6 months this has been like that.
6 months which caused you more pain and sadness instead of love and happiness.

Leave - threat her meen.
She may soon realise what a bad mistake she has done by acting this way, and hurting your feeling - keeps her keen!

Good Luck

Relatiionships are give and take and it sounds like you are not getting what you want/need. What's keeping you in the relationship is the "hope" that you will get what you want... but the history shows that it may not be there. I'd move on...

Well Here_To_Help-Jon, think what you like. Although you said I gave poor advice you said exactly what I said at the end :- LEAVE
But this poor guy has had 6 months of pain, due to her simple and mixed attitude and actions.
How much longer can he stick to it!
She has him wrapped round her little ringer and she is doing what she likes with him.
Its not fair on him.
So treat her mean and keep her keen I thinks fits quite well with this issue :D

hey guys, I get it, that's a god quote =) You know I tried doing that for a while where I ignored her and not call her or show her the time of day, and surprisingly it worked. Hse came around more and was nicer to me.

But I can't do it, I am a nice guy and I want to be myself, and I sure as hell do not want to play those games just to have her, and also I don't think you should convince her to be with me she should want to be with me on her own don't you think??

But again thanks again for the good advice I will take some appropriate action in the next couple of days and I am sure I will be back for more questions and I will keep you updated than you so much again...

Thanks :)

I didn't exactly mean to totally ignore her.
But instead of always telling her you miss her, don't say it at all. Don't be clingy towards her, if you get my point, as she may think she could be losing you and soon realise she doesn't want to lose you.
Its not a game - its tactic ;)

But I'm sure whatever you do will be the right thing.

Keep me posted.

I think if you are honest and the feelings are not being returned it's time to move on. You deserve someone who treats you the way you want to be treated. I would think after 6 months she would know if she wants a relationship with you. From the sounds of it, she doesn't. You have a lot to offer the right person. I would let go now, before you get further into it and move on. Take care.

well I forgot to mention one more problem, I would actually like to let go at the present time but I cant.

We had booked an all week trip to south beach miami and its all paid for and too late to cancell since we are leaving in a week, but the way I look at it is I am going to enjoy my trip relax and have fun, and just walk away as soon as I get back...

you know they say you don't know what you have till you loose it, and I have been so good to her and is she is at all as smart as I think she is she will come to realise that eventually =)

I think you are on the right track. Just keep going forward. With this girl, you seem to be at a stall. Good luck.

Here's the deal Dude... you're too 'nice' to her... you're acting like a 'nice guy'.

Woman want a challenge. That want to be curious about you. They don't want a guy WHO TOTALLY SURRENDERS TO THEM.

Romance is GREAT in SMALL doses... women DON'T want romance all week long - YUCK! Women DON'T want a lap dog - they don't want a guy they ca nwalk all over - ever. LESS IS MORE to women in romance. Quit being all romantic al lthe time and be her friend.

My STRONG ADVICE is to NOT share how you feel until after you're married - YOU SHOW how you feel - by doing good things for her.

She doesn't feel it man for you because you are TOO available to her.

PEOPLE WANT What THEY CAN'T HAVE. She has you. You NEVER completely surrender - even in marriage. You need to understand that you need a life as well.

People fall into these problems when they put too much importance o nthings.

You should pull-back. Don't be so available. Don't give her all that attention.

I assume you call her all day and e-mail and text.

Be busy with other things in life - work harder at work, school, workout, hang wiot hfriends, hang with your family, hobbies, new hobbies etc.

When you are busy with other things in life... she will ove you for it.

You sound kind of like a soft man. Women don't want that soft man - never. The ymay say they do - but it's a test. It's HARD to have feelinsg for you when you ACT like her GIRLFRIEND and not her boyfriend.

Again - I think it's HOW he is acting.

It's NOT her. He needs to learn how to make women feel attracted to him.

"I have been doing anything in the book for this person, from romantic to sweet stuff, anything you could think of i have done it for her."

QUIT doing that stuff!! Quit it!!

You're a lap dog - why on earth shuld he do anything in return.

well that seems a bit harsh but true I must say... See all you have said makes sense, and yes women want a chalange and don't want a lap dog.

I don't call her all day and text her lol. However I do give her more attention than she gives me. The sad truth is I am the soft type and I will always be, all my ex girlfriend liked the soft type, snd frankly that's what I want.

So to answer your question, I had pulled back a lot which brought her closer to me however that makes me unhappy because I have to pull away to draw her near, I don't like to play those types of games and that it why I decided to walk away =)

I do envy all those guys out there that could or have the time to play those games, I am just not that type and I have to live with it. Iv'e learned that you cannot change people and that includes yourself, so no matter how much I will try to change and play the game, in the end I will fail...

Dude - just do other things - QUIT putting so much importance into her - make her chase you for a while.

It's NOT games - it's giving yourself BALANCE in life. BALANCE.

You don't need to rush to her all the time.

NEVER say you miss her. Never. You're a busy guy. QUIT sharing your feelings so much - maybe on your wedding day.

You need to learn about women - they DON'T think you you - never.

Go to this site and read EVERY article on dating and relationships: www.askmen.com

Women NEED to miss you - they need space. I highly doubt you ever gave her space. They want to WONDER what you're doing...

AGAIN - it's not games - be busy with other stuff.

Do you want her near - or not have her??

Give her less attention... you can do all that crap when your 70 and married.

The are facts of life about attraction.

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. Always and forever.

It's no fun for her.

You will love it in the end.

I really must say WILDCAT, I like your answeres... very right to the point, thank you so much that really helped.. I will make sure to bug you again when I need an honest and straight answer...

Please keep asking.

Here is the crux of your problem... you just don't know how to act properly. Once you learn to behave properly women will flock to you - they will love you for it.

You'll have this happen to you again, and again until you learn.

I would bet $1 million your old girlfriend did NOT want a soft guy.

IT'S NOT being a jerk, it's NOT acting like a player.

IT'S growing a spine. Saying no - actually - women find it VERY attractive if you say NO on occasion. No is a good word to learn.

Be busy - make plans with your friends. Have a life outside the relationship.

Acting as though you do not care may bring her closer, for now. Maybe she is hanging onto you because she is still looking for someone else, but is keeping you on the sidelines for a "just in case". I just don't think she is ready to commit. There is some truth in the saying, "nice guys always end up last". But there are some women out there who are do like nice guys (Not gushy)
But men that can be thoughtful and caring but at the same time be a man.

I think what happens in so many relationships is either person looses their own identity. It sounds as if you are all about pleasing her and making her happy at your own expense. There is no need to play the hard to get guy if you take care of your wants and needs first. You would not be at her beck and call because you would have other plans. If she does not want to spend much time with you, live your life as though she were not in it. If she wants to do something with you, and you are available for her and you want to, then go. Your life is revolving around her, it should be revolving around you.
When you find a girl that is a giving caring person you'll know.

Every person is an individual with different wants and needs. Be sure the two of you have the same, if not hit the road after vacation.

Hey Wildcat, well I read up on that site and WOW...

You know its crazy how just a couple of opinions on the outside world really open up your eyes...

So here is what I am going to do... first since the trip to Miami is already paid for I am going to goand have a blast with or without her!! Two the minute we touch back no matter what I am just going to walk away... At some point I thought I really want to be with her and I do... I love her a lot but after seeing all the **** she put me through which is a lot more than I have said on here its just not worth it...

I need to find someone that is going to appreciates me and at the same time I need to cool down and play the game for at least the beginning...

Thanks again wildcat, I will keep you posted especially and let you know how it went...

It's NOT playing hard to get ever.

This guy is a gushy 'nice guy' - he needs to change - be himself.

Defintely go on the trip. Have fun. You need to learn to be loose and carefree - the fun guy. Make fun of her a little- bust on her... women love it - eat it up.

Stop the mush and gush though NOW! No more mush!

There is a lot more to this...

I bet you failed a lot of her tests... questiosn she asks.

And sadly - sorry ladies - don't listen to the ladies on most of this stuff.

THEY'LL TELL you they want a 'soft' and 'caring' man who shares his feelings - NOPE... they WANT a FUNNY, CONFIDENT, Non-needy/clingy, guy who has a great life - guy.

Amen to that...

I don't think it's a game if you just don't make her the centre of your attention. You need to do other things and I think Wild Cat is right about what will happen.

Great advice Wild Cat

Walk Away! Walk Away! Turn around and run. You already know what to do... your just hanging to something that's not real. I've been there before, I know its hard and it will hurt for along time... but you can't delay it. RUN AWAY.

Ps WildCat is always right. He obviously sees things as I do.

Don't walk away if you care about her. Never.

You totally change how she feels about you

From what you have said, she doesn't sound like a bad person - it's things you've done. It's NOT her. It's NOT her.

A yes - you made her TOO MUCH of your world - too much importance. You don't eve nput that much importance/surrender/unconditional even in marriage.

Gee I wish I wasn't in the complete opposite time zone down here so I could contribute to this conversation as it happens and not when it is finished.

Kadd, LISTEN TO WILDCAT HERE. The other advice is also good and right in many ways but wildcat speaks the truth here.

From the first couple of lines in your first post I knew exactly what his answer would be. You have just put way too much importance on tjis girl. Way too much.

That's not to say you don't be nice to her. But doing all these romantic things all the time is definitely not what they want.

I speak from expereince here. The moment my girlfriend relaised she completely had me, she didn't want me. And that was after 7 years. We were completely in love and knew everything about one another but the moment there wasn't the slighhtest hint of a challenge anymore for her SHE LEFT.

Gee I wish I wasn't in the complete opposite time zone down here so I could contribute to this conversation as it happens and not when it is finished.

Kadd, LISTEN TO WILDCAT HERE. The other advice is also good and right in many ways but wildcat speaks the truth here.

From the first couple of lines in your first post I knew exactly what his answer would be. You have just put way too much importance on tjis girl. Way too much.

That's not to say you don't be nice to her. But doing all these romantic things all the time is definitely not what they want.

I speak from expereince here. The moment my girlfriend relaised she completely had me, she didn't want me. And that was after 7 years. We were completely in love and knew everything about one another but the moment there wasn't the slighhtest hint of a challenge anymore for her SHE LEFT.

It is about Balance.
Balance in all aspects of the relationship. People sometimes interpret what wildcat says as treat the girl mean or poorly. THAT IS WRONG. He never indicates that. He actually HATES that.
What he says is don't smother them. Don't put them on a pedestal.

I don't think you should leave this girl if you have feeling for her. I just think at present you are trying to hard to show your feelings. Trust me, in time she willl work out your feelings.

You have a whole life ahead of you (MAYBE) to show this girl your love.

You don't need to show a lifetime of love in a week.

Good luck and keep us posted.

This sounds so much like my situation except it's the guy who is doing all the trying to hold on bits... and the chick hasn't totally pulled away yet.

"she keeps on telling me that she is not sure if she wants a serious relationship but at the same time when i try to walk away she says she can't let me go because she cars about me too much."

I've had this happen with 'my' man too. Very frustrating.

Dude it would help a lot if you knew what you really wanted in the first place. First off 6 months is not a lot of time to know someone and you two are already playing games with each other. This will never do you'll end up wasting time and hating each other. She doesn't want a relationship but can't let you go.. You want to go but you book a romantic getaway.. You both need to leave each other alone till you both figure out what the hell you want. Your all in her face and you get mad cause she isn't all up in yours. Slow this wagon down and both of you go home and think about it for a month. Then see how you feel. Wildcats advice can only work if you KNOW what you want.

Well ultimatly I know what I want which is to be with her...

Either way wild cat I have one more question for you? Our trip is booked for August the 6th, now do you think I should ignore her a bit from here till then?

Hi kd, I think you should back off a bit and show this woman a fun good time with no strings or pressure. Go slow and keep it light and make her smile and laugh and have a good time. Show her what a fun guy you are and gently let her talk about herself, and be a good listener. Fun is the key and that's what dating is all about. You don't have to be in her face or available all day until the vacation so BALANCE the need to be with her with what you do without her. NO drama, or trauma as you get to know each other and no controversy either. REMEMBER dating is supposed to be fun, not a soap opera.

Absolutely backoff. Be busy. Don't call her every day.

Talaniman has put is BEST. Work on make her laugh. MAke fun of her a little.

YES LISTEN TO HER!! Let her talk.

FUN! No worries - QUIT worrying gabout the out come and you will enjoy it much more - once you start worrying about an out - that's when you lose it.

You need the attitude that there are plenty of fish in the sea. She needs to see that from you.

I thin kshe sees a little desperate and needy guy... very unattractive - see that's why she acts that way.