I have been seen this girl (I am white she is nigerian), for a year now and we grew to love each other, I gave her everything and we joked together and the sex was amazing.

I live with my parent at 29 (I know it sux but property in ireland is very expensive) and I would visit her apartment all the time. I am getting an apartment myself sonn now anyway.

So during xmas she says to me "listen i want to take a break, i love you but I want to be sure I do it could realize this tomorrow next week or 2 months, I dont know" I paniced and asked so is it a break or break up and she said it would be better if we broke up for this.

I said it's the most ridiculous thing, I asked:
Did your friends put you up to this - no
Is it that you want someone else - no
An ex-boyfriend - no
Family - no (but her mother might not approve).

She says I really want to do this paul and I don't want you to be thinking of me because it will make it harder. I just need time to think you are the one and if you are I will ring you and if your single great and if not then I lost my chance.

I begged with her to reconsider but she is set on this. Man I am broken up beyond words and am pretty much crying typing this. I keep thinking of all the good times and stuff and the pictures. I can't eat at all and I am constantly depressed.

Sorry for this long message man I really am I just need to know what can I do man, what can I do.

You do as she has asked, and leave her alone, and heal, and rebuild your life without her. Don't make a crying pest of yourself.

Don't sit around wait for her to call you telling you that she wants to get back with you either.

Maybe she isn't looking for anything serious right now or she could've just been using you. Only she knows.

Know that most breaks are permanent so it time to let go. Don't call, text, e-mail,etc. No comunication with her.

It's her lost not yours.

I agree with everyone here. Let her have her space to sort things out. If you don't give her that space, that will just decrease the chances of getting back together, which, as stated in another post most breaks are permanent. The important thing to do let her be. As Tal said, start rebuilding your life without her. Take this time to experience new things, new hobbies, hang out with friends. You'll get through this. Hang in there.

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I agree with everyone here. let her have her space to sort things out. If you don't give her that space, that will just decrease the chances of getting back together, which, as stated in another post most breaks are permanent. The important thing to do let her be. as Tal said, start rebuilding your life without her. Take this time to experience new things, new hobbies, hang out with friends. You'll get through this. Hang in there.

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I am just scarred that she won't want me eventually and I reall love this girl the thing is she keeps ringing me to see how I am. In some weird way I don't think she wants to do this or she is scared to do it.

Tell her in order for you to give her space she needs to stop calling you. It's going to be hard for you to heal if you have hopes of getting back together. If she broke up with you, you should really focus on you. Don't worry about what she's doing.

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

tell her in order for you to give her space she needs to stop calling you. it's going to be hard for you to heal if you have hopes of getting back together. if she broke up with you, you should really focus on you. don't worry about what she's doing.

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Thanks for your reply, she says that I have been fantastic to her and she really loves me but in order to know I am the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with she has to take a break/break up and clear her head on what she wants and she only then will get back in touch with me if she thinks I am the one. I am willing to give her that space because I love this girl so damn much that just the though of losing her makes me cry cause I think of the good times we had and the pictures we have. I really hope to god she chooses me.

I'm trying not to sound rude, I promise if I sound that way it's not directed toward you, but next time she calls you, you should ask her if that means she's decided she wants to get back together. It sounds to me like she doesn't know what kind of damage she's doing to you saying she wants a break and then continuing to call you.

Whoa whoa whoa... So she tells you that she loves you and wants to be with you but has to break up to find out if she wants to spend her life with you? That's bull! If you are with someone and are in love with them, then that should be enough of a reason to keep the relationship going. Breaking up to see if the relationship is strong enough just doesn't make the hillbilly's worth of sense to me. "I love you but I want to break up to make sure"

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I'm trying not to sound rude, I promise if I sound that way it's not directed toward you, but next time she calls you, you should ask her if that means she's decided she wants to get back together. It sounds to me like she doesn't know what kind of damage she's doing to you saying she wants a break and then continuing to call you.

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Hey Zoe,

The thing is I love when she calls, I feel great, I am not emotional and I control the conversation, I asked her one time that instead of doing this to see if you love me why don't we get an apartment for 1 month and by the end of the month we are not for each other so be it, I would except it then. But her excuse is very vague she says she has problems outside of the relationship weather it be family friends I don't know. Anyway not just for you but if anyone wants to address me personally my skype username is newyorkcityactor thanks for your help zoe I really do need to talk about this otherwise I would fly off the handle.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Whoa whoa whoa....So she tells you that she loves you and wants to be with you but has to break up to find out if she wants to spend her life with you? That's bull! If you are with someone and are in love with them, then that should be enough of a reason to keep the relationship going. Breaking up to see if the relationship is strong enough just doesn't make the hillbilly's worth of sense to me. "I love you but I want to break up to make sure"

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Your right man, it doesn't make sense to me but I am willing to wait, man I love this girl like you would not know, sex is great and all that but her companionship is what I love and the little things she does, I treat her like a queen and in the past she had problems and I helped. I don't know what I done wrong man I just don't, she was and still is my first priority and it really really kills to think that we won't be together I pray to god if there is one that she sees that I am the one for her I am sure of it. I just hope to od she comes back to me.

Putting that much hope in someone is a sign of low self value. Do you have self esteem issues? I love my fiancé very much, but if she came to me with the bullsh*t your girlfriend is coming with. I'd be packing my bags very quickly. I'm not going to wait for someone who needs to "think" about being with me or not. You either want to be with someone or you don't, there is no room for in between.

Sometimes you don't have to do anything wrong and you could've done everything right, but sometimes that isn't enough to a person. Some people just use people to their own advantages.

For whatever reasons this girl asked for a break, talking to her won't help and can lead to false hope.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Putting that much hope in someone is a sign of low self value. Do you have self esteem issues? I love my fiance very much, but if she came to me with the bullsh*t your girlfriend is coming with. I'd be packing my bags very quickly. I'm not going to wait for someone who needs to "think" about being with me or not. You either want to be with someone or you don't, there is no room for in between.

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Yeah I kind of have self esteem issues, and when she kind of mentioned it a month ago it sent me into a spiral, that text message "we need to talk" is the worst text in the world. When she said this I went into panic fits and thought everything is closing down on me. I would love to be like you and pack my bags and say the hell with you but I just can't and deep down inside if you really love your fiancé tat much they way I do with this girl you will say it extremely hard too. I don't know man my world is nothing without her she was the best girl I ever been with. I isn't whipped I am pretty much the man in the relationship its just the thought of her gone causes me pain and hurt right in the pit of my stomach.

It is exactly your mode of thinking that is going to ruin this relationship. You cannot make someone your "world." Relationships have to be balanced, two people SHARING each other's passions, not one person making the other person the center of his/her universe. That is just flat out unhealthy, and frankly you are de-valuing yourself every time you talk like that. You were good enough to get this girl, so what makes you unable and not good enough to be without her?

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Originally Posted by kctiger

It is exactly your mode of thinking that is going to ruin this relationship. You cannot make someone your "world." Relationships have to be balanced, two people SHARING each other's passions, not one person making the other person the center of his/her universe. That is just flat out unhealthy, and frankly you are de-valuing yourself everytime you talk like that. You were good enough to get this girl, so what makes you unable and not good enough to be without her?

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Good point brother, I guess I think I will never get a girl like her again. I guess that is one thing that scares me and the other is that... everyone I know family, friends and all said she is great, and she is, she's funny, smart and very goodlooking. Maybe she is scared that her mother will not approve of me because I am white and she is black, I don't know. But in all honesty I think this is the one, I really hope she is, deep down I know she should not be doing this and to hell with her for that but when I think of the times together sexually and otherwise I nearly break down and cry.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be hurt or unaffected by my fiancé leaving me, I'm sure I would be hurt beyond what I have felt before. But since my last relationship ended, I have learned some things. Life goes on, each day the sun still comes out and you have to enjoy life, not just live it. If you are making someone your world, you are missing out on so much. If you share the same passion for the relationship as the other does than you will see how much better life is.

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Originally Posted by gannonp

Good point brother, I guess I think I will never get a girl like her again. I guess that is one thing that scares me and the other is that...everyone I know family, friends and all said she is great, and she is, shes funny, smart and very goodlooking. Maybe she is scared that her mother will not approve of me because I am white and she is black, I dont know. but in all honesty I think this is the one, I really hope she is, deep down I know she should not be doing this and to hell with her for that but when I think of the times together sexually and otherwise I nearly break down and cry.

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I felt the same way after my ex broke up with me after 2 1/2 years of being together. I was right, I didn't meet a girl like her again, I found a woman who is much better and suits me perfectly. We accept each others flaws and don't try to change who the other is to fit into a fairytale romance.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I felt the same way after my ex broke up with me after 2 1/2 years of being together. I was right, I didn't meet a girl like her again, I found a woman who is much better and suits me perfectly. We accept each others flaws and don't try to change who the other is to fit into a fairytale romance.

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I hope I find that I really wish I do, its just the hurting won't stop man, it comes and goes and my mam gave me a few anti depressants about 2 weeks back when I explained my situation that I might have another panic attack. So lol I hope they kick in soon man otherwise I am up creek headed from derpession ville.

It takes time. No one said it would be easy, and to be honest, it will probably get harder. The hurting goes away, you just have to be proactive in building a life that, in all honesty, may not include her anymore. The good news for you is that you are still alive, and life will keep coming, so the better prepared you are, the more happiness you will find. We have all been through this kind of stuff, and while it sucks, it is just life's way of telling us that something wasn't meant to be. Clearing the road for something better.

What you have to do is every morning you wake up say to yourself "should I dwell on what could of been, or make the best of what is"

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

What you have to do is every morning you wake up say to yourself "should I dwell on what could of been, or make the best of what is"

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And when you don't have to even ask yourself that anymore you're doing good.

In the end, what you have to do is learn to love yourself, as no one else's love can ever truly validate you, as much as the love you have on the inside. Look in the mirror and realize you are a great person, with, or WITHOUT your girlfriend.

As cliché as it sounds, take KC's advice, and if you want to.. Go one better and say "I'm a great person, she only makes me better"

I agree that you should give her space because if she is going to come back, she needs to know what it's like to miss you before anything can happen. Don't answer her calls for a while and let her hurt just enough to want to come back. If she doesn't, then it is better to find out now than it is to get back together and go through this again because she needs to reevaluate.

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Originally Posted by mochapeaches19

I agree that you should give her space because if she is going to come back, she needs to know what it's like to miss you before anything can happen. Don't answer her calls for a while and let her hurt just enough to want to come back. If she doesn't, then it is better to find out now than it is to get back together and go through this again because she needs to reevaluate.

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Now she keeps ringing and asking how I am and all, just recently she told me about her phone breaking and I said I would send her the settings she said "that would be great if you could do that thanks, I will ring you later". On Tuesday she rang me at 2am (I was in bed of course) she said oh sorry I thought you would be watching TV, I said no go ahead what's up and she said How you doing? What's do you think I should do?

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Originally Posted by gannonp

Now she keeps ringing and asking how I am and all, just recently she told me about her phone breaking and I said I would send her the settings she said "that would be great if you could do that thanks, I will ring you later". On tuesday she rang me at 2am (i was in bed of course) she said oh sorry I thought you would be watching tv, I said no go ahead whats up and she said How you doing?. Whats do you think I should do?

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Well, first thing I would do is tell her to quit calling me at 2am. You are still way too available for her man! If you guys are going to take a break, or whatever, then do it, as this kind of stuff isn't going to help or resolve anything. Fact remains, she put you on hold, and now can get ahold of you whenever she wants, until she makes her mind up on whether you are right for her... :rolleyes:

What do you think you shoud do?

Let her wonder about it, she wants a break, give it to her, and stop being so available to her checking up on you.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Well, first thing I would do is tell her to quit calling me at 2am. You are still way too available for her man! If you guys are going to take a break, or whatever, then do it, as this kind of stuff isn't going to help or resolve anything. Fact remains, she put you on hold, and now can get ahold of you whenever she wants, until she makes her mind up on whether you are right for her...:rolleyes:

What do you think you shoud do?

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See one hand I love hearing her and it shows she thinks of me, which is good right? On the other hand, your right but that's what scares me then she will forget about me. I never ring her and I never beg her I always play it cool and stuff like I don't give a damn. After I hang up with her I am on top of the world but then I slowly subsides. The phone call at 2am she said to me "I listen to a song that reminds me of you" I ask what song "she says 'The man who can't be moved by the script'" and I listened to it and its so acurrate about my situation, if you know the song that's exactly my feeling. I am open to suggestions does she miss me? Will I make the first move and say I miss her first?

These phone calls from her are nothing more than a random shot of whiskey to a recovering alcoholic. They keep you up for awhile, but then make you feel worse. She misses you, maybe, but she is also using you. Once she finds some other form of emotional outlet, your a$$ will be out the door man. Just the facts.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

These phone calls from her are nothing more than a random shot of whiskey to a recovering alcoholic. They keep ya up for awhile, but then make you feel worse. She misses you, maybe, but she is also using you. Once she finds some other for of emotional outlet, your a$$ will be out the door man. Just the facts.

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So will I ask her point blank? Do you miss me? Will we get back together then? Yes - OK excellent, no - fine stop ringing me. See its way too early to do that isn't it? But then again she is probably being stuborn about the whole thing. Yesterday when she rang to tell me about her phone I said to her "If I have your permission to text you the settings to fix your phone I will", she said "oh come on paul you can text anytime you dont need permission", I said "Yeah but you see I wanna respect giving you this space (then shot it down fast by saying) anyway back to your phone, yeah I will look up the settings for you". She said thanks for doing this.

Your letting your fears dictate your actions, and KC is right,
Originally Posted by kctiger https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
These phone calls from her are nothing more than a random shot of whiskey to a recovering alcoholic. They keep ya up for awhile, but then make you feel worse. She misses you, maybe, but she is also using you. Once she finds some other for of emotional outlet, your a$$ will be out the door man. Just the facts.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Your letting your fears dictate your actions, and KC is right,
Originally Posted by kctiger https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
These phone calls from her are nothing more than a random shot of whiskey to a recovering alcoholic. They keep ya up for awhile, but then make you feel worse. She misses you, maybe, but she is also using you. Once she finds some other for of emotional outlet, your a$$ will be out the door man. Just the facts.

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She rang me and we talked, and I hit her with it I said "I understand in order to find true love in the person you have to make a sacrifice in order to continue and she agreed. I said ok do you miss me" and she said "I miss you paul" and I said "thats good I miss you too" and I asked "is it the sex you miss" she said "no, the sex is great but i do miss that but not for that reason" I said "Companionship" and she said "yes". I asked a bunch of other things and stated that I was still in love with her and I hope she is too and I could hear her on the phone like agreeing thinking. Anyway I hope I swayed her because I haven't eaten in like days (well little things) and I am depressed ever since this happened. But the fact that I asked her does she miss me and she says yes indicates something no?

Are you trying to get different answers than the ones you have already? The question has been asked and answered. She got what she needed, an emotional boost. But as you see for yourself, nothing has changed but your confusion. Don't let false hope lead you astray of your mission. You really need to stand up and cut the contact, and stop playing with your feelings like this.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you trying to get different answers than the ones you have already?? The question has been asked and answered. She got what she needed, an emotional boost. But as you see for yourself, nothing has changed but your confusion. Don't let false hope lead you astray of your mission. You really need to stand up and cut the contact, and stop playing with your feelings like this.

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Your so true man, I just have some tiny nugget in my mind that she will say, "Yes I love you and would like to try again". Yesterday when I had to text her something important (unfinished business) but I needed to, I text her "Sorry for texting you it wont happen again but <the business we had before> just thought I would text you and let you know, bye". In the conversation yesterday as above she said "what is this about you not wanting to text me or anything, I dont want to be enemies paul I want to be friends until I get my head straight". That's when I hit her with the above. I think she just needs a little push, see I treated her like royalty and was there through all of her problems, I know she loves me but I there are obstacles she needs to over come like the mother situation. But I love your opinions and I know you are all right I am just really afraid. Maybe if she says can we just be friends, do you think that could turn back into something (with a little work?)

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Maybe if she says can we just be friends, do you think that could turn back into something (with a little work?)

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Your asking the wrong question. It should be how can you get your act together, without her in your life. The answer is by leaving her alone, and putting yourself first for a change. Your attitude and feelings are normal at this stage, but its how you cope with YOUR FEELINGS That's important, and honestly, that has nothing to do with her, or this relationship.

Get busy, with you, and stop trying to read her mind, and change her actions.

I am going to steal a quote from NorthernNiceGuy: "You are grasping at straws my friend"

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I am going to steal a quote from NorthernNiceGuy: "You are grasping at straws my friend"

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Again so true, you all have been so damn good at this advice. Maybe I am just hoping, I was thinking the other day maybe because she is African and that being my lets say weapon of choice, that I am afraid I won't meet another black girl like her, my sister said to me "what another one who breaks your heart?" and I chuckled and said your right. Again you are right all of you are, just making that leap of faith is going to put me deeper in depression if I sever everything with her.

You can be depressed as you want to be, or do what it takes to be happy with herself, without her. Deal with your own self, and the way you feel, like we all do.

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you are, just making that leap of faith is going to put me deeper in depression if I sever everything with her.

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You need to cut the contact to give yourself time to start to heal and mend. It will not happen over night and none of us will tell you that, but you will make yourself more and more down by keep holding onto something that is a none starter.

What you are doing at present is making yourself ill by doing this.

I would also advise you why you are feeling low to keep away from places the two of you used to go and spend time, do not keep looking at pictures and listening to music that reminds you of the two of you, because all you are doing is hurting yourself.

For the time being put the things that remind you of her in a box out of sight and then when you are feeling a lot better and stronger you can deal with it then.

You need to go no contact asap - right now -