So, My ex and I broke up about 2 years ago from about a 2 and a half year relationship. Well of course stupid me decided to try to stay friends with her. She is my best friend in the whole world, and also I am deeply in love with her still. She also tells me that I am her best friend and that she never wants to lose me, anyway from the time we broke up to about a few months ago we were still having sex, bad thing I know. Anyway I guess I have been just hoping that things would change over time, and that she would want me back over time. I am so hurt today, anyway this guy she meet the other day at a bar. I guess he's friends with one of my ex's friends. So yeah the other day this guy called my ex's friend to ask for her #, I guess he called her the day before Christmas eve. So on Christmas eve we were hanging out the ex and I and she told me that he called her and asked her to hang out today and go to the show. I am so hurt right now it was truly a reality check. So yeah we talked about it last night and I guess she has no feelings for this guy yet and is going into it with a open head. She told me that he might be a guy and might not be a guy that she can date, she just really doesn't know him and wants to see. I just don't know what to do, I am so sad right now and heart broken. I just feel like I'm going to lose my best friend and the person I love so much. I think when I hear from her tonight, that if she thinks that she might have feelings for her I'm just going to end our whole relationship, I know it has to be done. I was hoping so much that I would fiend someone before her to get over her, so that we could stay friends. I just feel like she is my everything and that I'm losing it all.

Any advise would help

Really sad story, but you should have been gone a long time ago. Of course your shocked ,and hurt now, but at least you know that your girl, and best friend, has been gone a while, and its time for you to do the same, finally.

Don't worry, your hardly alone with being slow to catch on, and leave before they turn the screws to your heart, but you can heal, and move on, if you promise yourself, you will leave her alone and have nothing to do, or say to her until you are able to move on with your own life.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some good ways to move on, and get some understanding of your situation, There is a link in my signature , in case you have a problem finding them.

So basically what your saying is that you both can't be good friends without you being happy? She's probably in the same boat as you;; hurt and confused. Your not alone. And just because she MIGHT end up with this guy doesn't mean you HAVE to end a good friendship. Just think how much it would hurt her if it did. And anyway, this is a one night thing, its not like she's going to drop everything for him.

By getting a new girl, what will that achieve? Are you doing it for happiness or for the fact that your ex is going to see you both down the street and think 'hmm, I wish I still had him'

Before I post this comment I have another question that you should linger on for a while. Isn't being a really good friend WAY better than not having her as a friend at all? She could have ended everything and jumped to the next guy. Ignoring you and enjoying being in the arms of another guy

But instead she decided to be your friend



Someone who wants to find happiness before her

Don't you think that's a bit selfish?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by pimp_mah_alpaka

so basically what your saying is that you both can't be good friends without you being happy? she's probably in the exact same boat as you;; hurt and confused. your not alone. And just because she MIGHT end up with this guy doesn't mean you HAVE to end a good friendship. just think how much it would hurt her if it did. And anyway, this is a one night thing, its not like she's going to drop everything for him.

by getting a new girl, what will that achieve? are you doing it for happiness or for the fact that your ex is going to see you both down the street and think 'hmm, I wish I still had him'

before I post this comment I have another question that you should linger on for a while. isn't being a really good friend WAY better than not haveing her as a friend at all? she could have ended everything and jumped to the next guy. ignoring you and enjoying being in the arms of another guy

but instead she decided to be your friend



someone who wants to find happiness before her

don't you think that's a bit selfish?

---

I disagree somewhat... yes friendship is better than nothing, but not at the expense of your suffering. If it hurts to see her with someone else, then don't see her or talk to her. As much as it hurts, its not about her anymore its about YOU. And if you want to stop hurting then you need to move on. When you no longer feel that pain, then look her up and renew your friendship. If it's a good friendship, she'll understand and this won't be too hard to achieve. I had such an experience about 5 years ago. I was once in love with a girl, and I stuck by her in the friend zone for years. After experiencing a GREAT amount of pain seeing her with her each new boyfriend, I escaped, went into minimal contact mode, and finally moved on. This year, she got married, and you know what I felt? NOTHING!

It takes time, but it does work. Today we are good friends and nothing more.

I agree that at least until you heal, you should end, or let's say postpone your friendship. One thing really stuck out to me. You said you were hoping you found someone first. I'm going to be the advocate for "Miss X." I'm glad you didn't get into another relationship. "Miss X" would have gotten a raw deal! You are still in love with the "friend." Until you deal with letting her go, it is not fair to get into a relationship with "Miss X." You would likely compare her to your friend, and that kind of relationship would end badly. You really need to take time to truly be over her. Only then should you be on the lookout for "Miss X," so she at least has a fighting chance.

If you try to stay friends with someone you are still in love with, it will never work and only keep the wounds fresh and painful.

Cut the ties and let the dust settle, only after that can a friendship work

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by expat2009

I disagree somewhat...yes friendship is better than nothing, but not at the expense of your suffering. If it hurts to see her with someone else, then don't see her or talk to her. As much as it hurts, its not about her anymore its about YOU. And if you want to stop hurting then you need to move on. When you no longer feel that pain, then look her up and renew your friendship. If its a good friendship, she'll understand and this won't be too hard to achieve. I had such an experience about 5 years ago. I was once in love with a girl, and I stuck by her in the friend zone for years. After experiencing a GREAT amount of pain seeing her with her each new bf, I escaped, went into minimal contact mode, and finally moved on. This year, she got married, and you know what I felt? NOTHING!

It takes time, but it does work. Today we are good friends and nothing more.

---

That's what I meant

So it's a week later, almost to the day and she is with him again tonight. Over the past week we have kind of worked things out a little bit in a way, but not really. I am really just thinking about doing no contact tomorrow and for now on. I mean she told me after the first night she went out with this guy that she thinks nothing will happen, that's great and all but its been such a reality check that I don't think I can not go through this again with her going out with another guy. Its not fair to me or her. Its just so tuff when your so deeply in love with someone, you feel like you will never find someone ever the same. I guess I have done some positive things though sense this has happened. I joined a gym to work out at, and have been reading a lot more. It just really scares me to move on. I just know that if I try to stay friends with her, that if I would happen to meet someone that it would not be far to her because I would compare her too much to my ex. Anyway though thank you so much for the people that has written back, it helps/gives a little bit of comfort to know that other people have been through this before and that I'm not alone.

I cannot imagine myself being friends with my ex and hearing her talk about guys she is interested in or going out with. I'd rather not know and disappear from each others' lives otherwise the pain will continue. Every new detail about her life will hurt me, especially knowing that I'm no longer a part of it when a few weeks back I was.

I would definitely go NC and stay away from her and anything that reminds you of her. I know it's scary and tough, but once you start practicing it fully -and sticking to it- you will find that not knowing is better than knowing. It will let you heal faster and let you live your life without her in it. Try it. Eventually, one day you will wake up and not think about her at all. The pain will be greatly reduced, and maybe then if you think she's worth it you can be friends again. You won't have lost her, except this time, your relationship will be of a different kind. Not until you are ready for this though, or the wounds will re-open. Be careful and good luck!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by expat2009

I cannot imagine myself being friends with my ex and hearing her talk about guys she is interested in or going out with. I'd rather not know and disappear from each others' lives otherwise the pain will continue. Every new detail about her life will hurt me, especially knowing that I'm no longer a part of it when a few weeks back I was.

I would definitely go NC and stay away from her and anything that reminds you of her. I know it's scary and tough, but once you start practicing it fully -and sticking to it- you will find that not knowing is better than knowing. It will let you heal faster and let you live your life without her in it. Try it. Eventually, one day you will wake up and not think about her at all. The pain will be greatly reduced, and maybe then if you think she's worth it you can be friends again. You won't have lost her, except this time, your relationship will be of a different kind. Not until you are ready for this though, or the wounds will re-open. Be careful and good luck!

---

Yeah its really tuff right now, I mean I feel like I'm really going out of my mind sitting her wondering. Im not a creep or anything so I'm not going to stalk her or anything, but man its tuff. I'm just really confused and depressed about it all. She is such an awesome person, I Honestly just can't wait for this day to be over. My stomach is just so tied in knots, it sucks so bad. I know I shouldn't put myself through this, and I'm beginning to thing that I really am not going to at all. Its just really hard.

[QUOTE=pimp_mah_alpaka;1451807] isn't being a really good friend WAY better than not having her as a friend at all?QUOTE]

I personally would rather not be friends with someone at all if I was in love with that person and knew we wouldn't be together. Talk about some major heartache. Who would want to put themselves through that?

Yeah I used to think that, I used to feel like I was a lot stronger with things like this. I guess really I have just been in this lala land thinking that nothing will happen, I got to comfortable with everything. This has been a big reality check.

Yeah sounds like it's best to start no contact now. If she said that she didn't think anything would happen with this new guy then why is she spending time with him again? Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Let the dust settle and maybe some day you two can be friends again.

I was with an ex for 4 years and we tried being friends right afterward, that was really hard. There was a lot of confusion about feelings until we stopped hanging out for a while.

She says that the reason she is still hanging out with him is, because he is a nice guy. And that she would like to have new friends in her life.

ex=best friend is a bad solution. Freedom and truth will set you free.don't strangle her with your love, set her free and let her breath go. If she want's to come back to you she will.but don't pull her towards you,it will make her go even further

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by marcel_ke

ex=best friend is a bad solution. freedom and truth will set you free.don't strangle her with your love, set her free and let her breath go. if she want's to come back to you she will.but don't pull her towards you,it will make her go even further

---

I agree totally and I am really thinking that I will end or everything tomorrow. Its tuff for but I really need to, I can't go through with this every time she is with a guy.

I wouldn't even let her know. Just cut all contact and live your life. She will have to understand that it's about you now not about her. Move on, and with time you will heal. When you do, you will be ready for the next girl that comes your way and you will be able to give her all without your ex on your mind. Don't be a plan B! Respect yourself, you are worth more than that, and if she can't see that, then she was never for you.

Best of luck!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DJ28

I was hoping so much that i would fiend someone before her to get over her, so that we could stay friends. i just feel like she is my everything and that im losing it all.

---

This last couple lines has YOU a bit confused in a situation like this. You cannot hope to find another girl purely to get over your last girl. Life doesn't work like that, and doing so would basically constitute a rebound relationship. Find yourself, find love for yourself and find a ton of things in YOUR life that do not revolve around her, and everything else will take care of itself.

I know how it feels to find out someone you are in love with is with someone else. You have now pretty much hit rock bottom, and have no where else to go but up, so start your journey upwards, with step 1 being letting go of your friendship with her for now. I realize you hurt now, but in time you can use that hurt as motivation to wanting to improve upon your life, and you will! Good luck.

It is never good to be friends with your ex when your still love with them. It only gives and could lead to false hope for you.

It is best not to worry about what your ex does in her life or who she sees. It's her life so she is free to do what you want.

The only person you've control over is you so yes moving on and cutting contact with her would be best for you because your not in a place where you two can be friends.

We all at some point have been in relationships that ended and felt hurt by it. But you live and you learn from each relationship that you have. There a lesson to be learned from everyone you have.

Know that, even if you might not think so now, there is someone out there for everyone. But you won't meet her if you stay stuck on your past.

Healing takes time and times goes by fast, even though it doesn't seem like it. Take it day by day and know that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. It a New Year with new paths to discover.

You need to realize that the only reaosn you still want to be friends with her is not because you want her as a friend.
It's because you still love her, and as a result you're very curious about what she's doing and just having her around will feel good for you to a certain extent.
At the end of the day you're going to get hurt.
You need to cut contact with her and I mean this seriously.

Until you do, you will keep getting hurt and you will most likely not be able to fall in love with someone else again, you're destroying yourself.

I know this is harsh advice but it is true, you're never going to get over this woman so long as she's in your life in the way that you're describing. The thing is, if you had stopped having contact with her right away you'd be long over her by now, and who knows, maybe even in another relationship.

Cut those ties, lad!

NO NO NO... do not be her friend, not until you are over her. Believe me I KNOW, I was deeply in love with a girl years ago. She didn't want to be with me but loved me as a friend. In my effort to stay in her life I stuck by her in the worst Friend-zone ever. What happened? I kept on loving her for three long years in which I saw her go out with boy after boy, and me? Nothing. Couldn't focus on other girls either and stayed single for that time.

I decided to cut contact finally! After three excrutiating years and decided to move away to another country for uni. At my going away party she finally showed genuine romantic interest in me but it was too late I had made up my mind --HAHA. Maybe after 6 months later I was over her --not completely-- but nothing like before. I was finally free and fell in love again with an even better girl!. but that's a different story.

PS: that same girl has been happily married for 8 months or so, and I felt NOTHING. It's so liberating.

GO NC! Time will do the rest.

Yes, it's going to be hard.

You know what I've learned though over the years during countless relationships that didn't work out? The only way you can get over someone is to accept that it's over.

The more and more you start thinking of ways to get her back, the more likely it is that you'll do something that will completely jeopardize even being friends with her.

Step back from the situation; it probably wouldn't be a bad thing for her either. Focus on your life... make yourself a better person... let yourself heal.

Eventually, someday, you'll feel like calling her to say "lets be friends"... and you'll probably mean it. Times a crazy thing... One of my very best friends is one of my exes.

The older you get, the more you start realizing how easy life is if you accept what you cannot change. She is seeing other people or intending to. You should do the same. Get out with your friends and enjoy the beautiful world that's out there!

Good luck!

I have to agree... even though the idea for you to remain friends is great because it's a way to relieve a little bit of the pain when you guys hang out but in the end you have been hurting for 2 years and if you continue to be friends you will hurt even worse in the future because she will meet new guys whether it ends in a relationship they may be friends but you will continue to be jeolous and hurt... and it would be selfish to expect her to not move on... you are juss a comfy zone for her obviously or you guys would be together... you cannot be friends with someone you love it juss doesn't work... leave cut the ties you both move on and then maybe you can be friends in the future!
Good luck!

2 threads merged.

Well today will begin my first day of no contact, I am scared and worried, sad and a lot of other things at the same time. I know its for the better but man this is going to be hard, I just love her so much but I know it has to be done. So yeah I just wanted to write this, I'm just down right now.

Good Luck. First couple of weeks is the hardest it gets better after that.
We are here for you.

It's so hard but is worth it when you get over the hill and the grass is in fact greener!

Stay connected here and in your life. Try to introduce new people and places that are not associated with your ex.

Be realistic with yourself and the situation. Recognise your thoughts and feelings even if they are irrational, don't act on the irrational ones though!

Best of luck, stay strong and be yourself.

Don't worry with time your be over her. You have to take it day by day for now. Soon it's going be 5, 10, then 30 days. Then once you heal your not only going be happy but look back on your relationship and see how she was not worthy of you.

Keep us updated, it will be hard, but we have all been there

I'm on day 2 of nc, it is hard but hang in there...

Got to start somewhere, but at least you started. That is the first step towards a better YOU! Good luck...

Goodluck! It's a long hard road but the reward of finding yourself is definitely worth it

Welcome to the world of NC.

You will find that you will go through many emotions and at the end--- you will get through, just like many of us.

Take your time, eat well, rest well and let time do its thing!

It will be tough at the start, but eventually you will come out just fine!

I broke up with my ex 4 months ago and I still find it hard now as I loved him so much but things will get easier.

Right now you are still on the roller coaster -

Every day you will get stronger and start feeling better.

My advise hang out with your friends - just keep yourself busy -

Thanks for the support everyone, well um she called me and I answered the phone. She was crying and I was crying and man it is so hard I just do not know what to do.

You'll be all right man. Ain't no shame in crying, Lord knows I shed my share of tears when this was going on. I urge you, however, not to pick up the phone when she calls. I know it is hard, but it will just send you into an emotional spiral, and that isn't good.

NC that means no picking up her calls any more let voicemail kick in or just ignore the calls.

It is hard and I can fully understand why it hits you hard and you feel like your being hit by a train.

Just remember that every time you answer a call you are going to feel like S*&(% again - my advise would be block the number etc.

Hey man, I have been almost exactly in your shoes. (you can read about it if you're bored here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-304709.html
)
You need to go NC immediately. It's not what you want to hear but trust me, it's absolutely necessary. My girl strung me along with the best friends with benefits bit for years too. Even when I thought it was over and moving on to another girl she came back into my life with claims of wanting a relationship only to later say that she didn't want to be in a relationship with ANYONE. Fast forward 2 and a half months and now she's in a relationship. It hurts 1,000,000 times worse sitting there watching the person you love fall for someone else and have to pretend to be happy for your friend. So unhealthy. It's basically rock bottom.

Once they make up their minds you need to move on and never look back. Sticking around will only cause you pain and suffering. I stuck around with my best friend for years too thinking that because she never dated anyone else she would eventually come to me. It doesn't work that way. She's using you as an emotional crutch for the time being.
Maybe someday we can rekindle the friendship we once had but you can't truly be a best friend for someone you're in love with. I'm 2 weeks into NC now and thankfully she hasn't contacted me. It's still hell and I still think about her every hour but it's better than every 5 minutes like 2 weeks ago. Do it and don't look back. Like Talaniman says, "Never make someone a priority in your life while allowing them to be an option in theirs."

So its been my first day of NC and omg this is very tuff. There has been so many times today that have wanted to talk to her, and man my emotions have been going up and down all day lots of crying. I think I'm going to go running here in a little bit to help with this stress.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DJ28

So its been my first day of NC and omg this is very tuff. There has been so many times today that have wanted to talk to her, and man my emotions have been going up and down all day lots of crying. i think im going to go running here in a little bit to help with this stress.

---

You need to keep yourself busy DJ it is going to be real hard but most people on this board have stood in your shoes at some point in life so we all no how your feeling.

You are at the right place here and will find lots of support.