Ask Me Help Desk - Am I being paranoid?

Am I being paranoid?

Myself and my ex reconciled (long story) and have started dating because we still have feelings for each other, enjoy each other's company's and want to get to know each other again because we've both grown up.

However I txt him today saying I didn't think I could carry it on literally just over a week after we started dating. He doesn't really like me telling people when we meet up which annoyed me because it made me feel like some dirty shameful secret, when I'm with him I feel the affection, but when I'm away from him and we speak on the phone or through messages I just feel a complete lack of emotion like I could be anyone,it's hard to explain but it just feels like my feelings aren' t being reciprocated, so I started to worry if it was a physical thing and told him I can't be a friend with benefits. Now, at the time when I sent this message these things really annoyed me and I felt I couldn't do it,now as I write them they sound trivial and ridiculous and I think I'm being paranoid. Am I?? :(

I do not believe you are being paranoid he has done something to make you feel this way... there is a reason you made him an ex and most of the time it is better to keep it that way. If you feel that it is one sided dump him you need to find someone who feels the same about you that you feel about them and most important follow your heart

Just take it slow. You have only been back together a little while.

I think women's feelings develop a lot quicker than a man's.

If you are happy in his presence then that is what's important. Don't let the phone conversations influence your decision.

To just clarify we're not exclusive we are just dating, which is supposed to be fun, and I do have fun with him, but feeling like he is embarrassed to be seeing me isn't fun for me.

:(

Okay, you said when you are together that he is affectionate.

Is he not like this all the time, especially when you are in front of people?

Guys are different when it comes to pda's. As far as him not wanting you to say you are together, did you ask him why?

Quote:

We're not exclusive we are just dating,

Your not being paranoid, you've mistaken dating, for a real relationship. You have high expectations, that aren't being met.

You only date him, but is he doing the same? So your not back together, and you have settled on this option, as a way to feel better, and it ain't going to work, sorry to say.

If your having sex, it is friends with benefits.

You really need to rethink this whole thing as it does seem like this is very equal, emotionally as you have way more invested than he does, but his return is higher than yours. NOT GOOD!!

Do I stop dating him then and just be friends, or lower my expectations, or do NC, what? Im confused.

Someone please help me with that?

Do what you think is best for you.

If you continue to just date him, you can't expect anymore from him.

Ok, thanks for your advice

Quote:

Originally Posted by southerngalps

do what you think is best for you.

if you continue to just date him, you can't expect anymore from him.

I agree if you continue down the road you have chosen it will be as it is.
And really only you can answer your own question -when it comes to relationships listening to advice is great but you have to be the judge and jury. It's your life - live it for you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kg70

i agree if you continue down the road you have chosen it will be as it is.
And really only you can answer your own question -when it comes to relationships listening to advice is great but you have to be the judge and jury. It's your life - live it for you!

Well said :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your not being paranoid, you've mistaken dating, for a real relationship. You have high expectations, that aren't being met.

You only date him, but is he doing the same?? So your not back together, and you have settled on this option, as a way to feel better, and it ain't gonna work, sorry to say.

If your having sex, it is friends with benefits.

You really need to rethink this whole thing as it does seem like this is very equal, emotionally as you have way more invested than he does, but his return is higher than yours. NOT GOOD!!

Not only that but you need to distinguish paranoid from gut instinct.
What does your gut instinct say?

I don't know I have two such conflicting feelings that's why I asked for help because I just don't know.

A whole 50% of me is sure that we're going to get together and work things out, that's the gut instinct from my heart, because even when things were at our worst and I told myself I needed to get over him and we both said we "hated" each other somewhere in my heart I knew we'd come together again and in a way I was right because we worked everything out and started dating.

But the other half thinks I'm just drawing out the inevitable-which is me having to let go, because he doesn't love me and I'm dreaming something that will never actually happen- that's my head.

When your dating someone you never know how things would out but that is risk your suppose to take. It's even going develop into something else or not.

I don't know how your relationship ended with this guy the last time but that could play a part in it this time around.

Maybe you shouldn't focus so much energy and emotions in it him just yet. Take things slow and have a life that doesn't include focusing on him, this way you won't get so caught out in him.

If you read my other posts you'll see that things ended terribly, like horribly, (his doing) but we've spoken lots, he's apologised of course, and I said I'd forgive him.

To be honest I think I am exhausted with this whole thing, I may just cut my losses, even though I still love him with all my heart..

Okay the thing is that if he was not treating you right, being inconsiderate, double standards, responsibility or whatever, you need to realize guys do not change that easily-IF they do at all!
Guys will say they are going to change and want it to work but they end up going in circles with trying to do right only to fall right back in their old habits and patterns. To tell you the honest truth it is because they do not see what they are doing wrong. They figure that they will go along with the program until you fall back to being hopelessly being the same as they were. You need to take a look and figure right where he is, who he is can you see yourself in a real relationship with him?

I can, because he seems to have grown up so much and I really do think things are different now... but I would wouldn't I? Because I want them to be so much.

Take some time away from him to think without his influence, as I really do think this is to one sided to work out the way you want it to. The thing about reality, it doesn't matter how you feel its what you do, and its one thing to forgive, and another to forget.

The thing to consider are facts, does his actions match his words?? That's the question to answer, honestly.

Thus far, his actions have matched his words. I really want to be him with though, and he doesn't want to be with me at the time being. I'm not exactly sure his motives for wanting to date him and am scared to ask in case I push him away and thinks I'm pressuring him...

Quote:

He doesn't want to be with me at the time being

Then don't waste your time as its time to do something else.

I've decided to let him go, I've had too long of ups and downs with him and am exhausted from the drama of it all, I'm going t start moving on! Wish me luck!

Happy to hear that you've made a final decision.

Best wishes :)

I am so upset. How could I have been stupid enough to think things would ever change. Out of nowhere he just started ignoring me, so I asked why. He said, "build a bridge get over it". It dawned on me he really doesn't realise when he's being cruel and horrible so I tried to tell him he was doing it again, and that he really should get help because I know he doesn't mean it, but he just laughed at me and said that he is what he is and I need to just accept it and move on.

I am so angry, at him and at myself. At him for coming into my life when I was healing just to hurt me again, and at me for letting him back into my life. I've been sat here crying all night at all the things he's put through, and I just can not believe after everything he'd be so cruel again.

I'm so, so, so hurt. I can't sleep.

Men are Men unfortunately we can't go on existing as a human race without them (not yet anyway) and while there are several the resemble pigs and mules out there keep in mind there are some good ones so don't give up completely.

He didn't sound like he was worth losing sleep over and the longer you hold on to the hurt the longer it will take for you to move on. Rally your girl friends and have some fun forgetting about him.

It's all just so hard :(

I know it's hard Boris, hang in there. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you and treats you with respect. It's tough in the beginning, but later on you WILL thank yourself.

It's not just women that get stuck in this rut, it happens to men too. I recently broke up with a woman I'd been seeing for a couple months.. As was mentioned in a previous post, after many months, I'd mistaken dating for a relationship - it was a very one-sided situation. I held out for more, when it was clear to me the whole time she wanted something less serious.

It's scary to face potential loneliness, but don't settle for the "something is better than nothing" routine like I did. Good luck to you!

You're right thank you, it's the loneliness I hate. I want someone to spend time with that gives me butterflies, someone to go to the cinema with you know things like that. I want him, but is never going to happen, and that's why I am now really moving on..

It's been exactly 7 months since we split up, we were only together nine so WHY is it taken me so long to forget about him, for my feelings to lessen, to move on??

Ever watch water boil? It takes forever. If you were proactive in your healing by doing things that makes you happy with people you enjoy, you wouldn't be asking that questions.

Time flies when your having fun, so get busy.

I know what your going through. I have had this problem before. This is coming from a guy and this is probably what is going through his head. You say the two of you wanted to go back out right, well the way it sounds is that he thought of it as a way to get easy sex, if that is the case. What you should do is this, tell him that you know what he is playing at and that you don't like it and that you want to break up again, if he still has feelings for you like he claims then he will realize his mistake and either agree to end the relationship or change his ways. That's the way it was for me and I hope this advice has helped you.

Tal, that is the sad thing. I do EVERYTHING to distract myself, I am always busy, I do everything that I want to do, live life to the full, laugh and enjoy myself... but I still think about him allll the time and inside I'm not really happy, I still feel empty and cold.

Women come from venus men come from mars . LOVE IS A 2 WAY HIGHWAY!

If you're not in a exclusive relationship, that means you're both free to see other people, correct? So how do you expect him to do that if he has to act like he's unavailable? Friends with benefits can be great, just make sure you and him understand what that means. If you can handle it, just have fun, as you first intended. If you can't handle it, let him go and find yourself someone exclusive.:D

I don't think you've followed the thread. We don't talk anymore-at all.

Sorry for your pain, please know that you probably deserve better, one day your wound will be healed. And you will find that one that will make your heart soar again.

I hope so, I just can't see the light in the tunnel right now

Boris, I sorry you're still hurting, but unfortunately there isn't a magic pill. Time is the best healer in the death of a relationship. You have to let yourself go through the stages, just like you would with the death of a loved one. It hasn't been very long since you've broken it off, and you can't expect for the feelings to be gone overnight.

You said you keep yourself busy, and are still doing the things you enjoy. You might want to consider volunteering some of your time to something you enjoy where you could help others. It gives you a good feeling when you do something good for someone else, and you can see the look of appreciation on their faces.

Maybe you could help troubled kids at a youth center, help out at the local animal shelter, visit nursing homes where you could give company to a lonely person who has no one that visits. Just anything like that could give you other things to think about to keep your mind from focusing on your ex.

Also, surround yourself with friends and family. Maybe pick one night a week where you and your buddies can just hang out and let loose. You never know, one of them might have a friend that catches your eye. I'm not saying to jump into another relationship, but just keep an open mind.

The hurt will lessen, you just need to give it time.

Good luck! :)