What should I do? I'm 5'1 weighs 120lbs. I admit I'm chubby but I don't think I'm fat. My boyfriend met me at this weight.. I have been dating him for about a year now. For the past few months I've heard him say "jokingly" about my love handles, stomach, and my double chin. I usually ignore him since he assures me that he still loves me. Recently though, he bought me a christmas present and gave it to me earlier to try on to make sure it fits. Well he bought it in a size small and it was too small for me. Then he says "why are you so fat?, now i have to exchange it?" I must admit that really hurt my feelings and just didn't know what to say after that. He then realized what he did and was very apologetic and reassured me that once again he was only joking. So I let it go. I few days later, we had a christmas party at work and he called right after lunch. I then went on and told him that we had so much food. Then once again he says " dont forget to go on a diet". This made me think, if he's really trying to tell him to lose some weight. So that night, I talked him and asked him what his expectations are from me and if he believes that I need to lose weight. Hoping he'd say no but instead he said "yes..i guess so" alll this time I'm happy with myself, comfortable but after this I felt so insecure. This is all I can think about. People say he needs to accept me the way I am and if not.. its time to let go... but I don't want to yet.. *sigh* is this enough reason to let go of everything? Please help.

if you want to be with him you need to tell him how you feel about it!! I have a friend who's x boyfriend told her how stupid she was all the time... she didn't deserve that, she's not stupid... no one deserves it in fact!

so, seeing as it really does bother you quite a bit you should tell him and if he doesn't stop.. you should probably leave.

(you could say something like: IT really bothers me when you tell me I'm fat... and if you don't stop, I don't think I can be with you... )

I'm dead serious on this. b\c isn't a relationship suppose to be a good thing in your life? I mean sure you can have fights and arguments, but when the other person continuously tells you stuff that hurts your feelings, or when he\she brings up subjects he\she knows bothers you... what is it good for?

what on earth can your boyfriend gain by making 'jokes' on your expense like this?

Tell him
Good then when he is old and bald you will still love him if he will love you with your love handles.

All the more for you to love

At least they are your love handles

You want me to lose weight I can lose (his weight) real easy if YOU don't love me at this weight.

I wouldn't be too polite when I told him where to go. How dare he say these things to you.

When this sort of abusive nonsense starts it doesn't tend to improve. Get out early before he really damages yourself esteem.

Well you should tell him if he wants a thin girl, go out and find one, because your comfortable with yourself and if he doesn't like what he sees, then he is not forced to stay, but you are happy with yourself

This guy is a passive aggressive jerk. He's an ar$e.

Seriously.

Look... I don't think you need to accept all things in all relationships when you are looking at a partner.

While I place physical health way up there on a list of priorities... not just because I like how I look when fit, but because I think I owe it to myself, my wife, and my son to be as physically healthy as I can be... still, I don't think what he is doing is right.

He is playing on your emotions, controlling you, and finding a way to make you feel less than worthy.

Screw that. If you were my sister id put him through a wall and then tell him "you should lose some weight... a skinnier guy wouldnt have gone through it"...

Look... there are a lot of people here who write in "im with a great guy BUT..."

The truth is there are a lot of people who are good in some ways, but wrong in enough ways that they are wrong for you. This guy... just rubs me the wrong way. He is being passive about how he controls your emotions, your wanting validation (we all do), and he sounds weak... so he tears you down.

There are times when its appropriate to tell your partner "i wish youd be more active... or you really do need to lose some weight to be healthy"... if I have a family history of diabetes and heart disease and I'm not active, telling me that makes sense.

But here... he's grumping because you aren't some "ideal" figure and form that meets his quota. Mkay. Idiot.

Please kick his sorry arse to the curb. Its no fun breaking up. Its no fun being alone for a time after. But its better to put the trash out than to live with it stinking up your life.

He isn't being kind. He isn't being nice. You deserve better than that, and without him is better than that.

Thank you for all your responses. I did talk to him last night and told him that he hurt my feelings. All his response was.. "WHY? I don't see anything wrong with what I said. I'm just trying to help you look better?" WOW that really pissed me off. I said to him I can understand if I'm not healthy but I am why is he trying to change me? He's not even that fit himself and I have no complaints. I love him just the way he is. *uGh* I hate break ups. I don't know if I can do it.

Yes you can do it. There is a wonderful man out there who will treat you right. He will not call you names or make fun of you. While you COULD start criticizing your current boyfriend with things like "why don't you lift weights, your arms are scrawny" or something like that to try to make him understand how his words make you feel that would be lowering yourself to his level. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings. Breaking up is hard to do but by staying with him you are missing out on an opportunity with someone wonderful. Stop selling yourself short and get out there and find the right guy for you. This relationship taught you that you don't appreciate a guy who tries to tear you down. Use that information to help yourself choose a better match next time.
Ber

First off, the very first time he said "how come you're so fat"... I would have spun on my heels and said... how come you're so stupid!" "I can lose weight if "I" choose, but "stupid" is an incurable disease!! "

At 5'1', 120lbs is NOT fat! This is YOUR body, not HIS. You are NOT an object, you are a person who deserves to be treated with respect! If he loved you, he would not ask you to change for HIM! That isn't love, that is CONTROL, no matter how you look at it.

If it bothered him that much, he could have been diplomatic about it and said something more along the lines of..."Honey, I think I've put on a few lbs. and have thinking that I should take them off. I don't know if I can do it on my own. Do you think we could go on a diet together, so I have a diet partner?" Then say you asked..."do you think I need to diet?"....He could've said...I just want both of us to be healthy, and I want to spend as many yrs. as I can, being healthy with you" Now that would have been the kind and respectful way to put it. Not... Why are you so fat?

If he says things like this now, and doesn't feel like there is a thing wrong with what he said, how do you think he is going to handle other things with you? What do you think would happen if you were to get married and pregnant? I can see what would happen, and it would destroy yourself esteem.

This is the beginning stages of a lifetime of abuse if you stay with him. This is a text book case of how they start! First it's your weight, then it's how stupid you are, then it's how you dress like a slut, etc. It gets worse from there, until you've got no semblance of self confidence or respect left in you, because they condition you to start believing them.

My ex started after about a yr. together telling me I was fat, and asking me dress differently. Guess where that landed me many yrs later? In the hospital with a bunch of broken bones, that's where! He started very passive aggressive too, but he sure didn't stay very passive.

Get out now while yourself esteem is still intact, or you are looking at years of misery with this abusive man.

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Originally Posted by fatsohesays

Thank you for all your responses. I did talk to him last night and told him that he hurt my feelings. All his response was .."WHY? I don't see anything wrong with what I said. I'm just trying to help you look better?" WOW that really pissed me off. I said to him I can understand if i'm not healthy but I am why is he trying to change me? He's not even that fit himself and i have no complaints. I love him just the way he is. *uGh* I hate break ups. I don't know if I can do it.

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I also wanted to point out one other thing that caught my eye. In your username, you are already indentifying yourself, as the way he sees you. That is how it starts. You don't think you're fat, but I can see that you are already starting to wonder if he is right! End it there, because sooner or later, instead of "fatsohesays", it will be shortened in your mind to "fatso." Don't let him or anyone do that to you!

Another key thing. You love him just the way he is. He doesn't feel the same! Think of it this way. Say you had a girlfriend that wasn't in the greatest shape herself. Every time you met for lunch, or went shopping, she told you that you were fat! Would you keep her as a friend?

I bet you are stronger than you think you are. You CAN and need to leave him. It WILL get worse.

You are not fat at all. This guy is just an A-hole. Leave him now.

This not about you, or your weight, but about how he makes you feel. Bringing you down is not the way to go about it, nor is allowing it. Stand up for yourself.

The only extra pounds I'm carring.. is your .

That's what I would have said..

Sigh. :) I personaly think that if its for a health reaon. Yeah. But for the prefect so called body? Ehh. It does not matter when you are together.

He should love you for who you are and how you make him feel. Not what you look like..

If that is the case. And you want to lose some weight

Then join the gym together. I did that with my girl. Was a lot of fun.
You will find in the end. The person that called you fat. Won't be able to do half the things you can do. In the gym.

Then you can say. Come on tubby.

Stand up for yourself

If he says your spotty or your hair is odd, that is still him putting you down.

Don't let him get away with this.

Kick him to the curb he isn't worth the dirt on your shoes. What a piece of work! If my boyfriend started making comments about my weight I'd nail him to the wall. Your not fat. At all. Your perfect. He is the one with the issues. The longer you stay with him the longer he is going to beat yourself esteem into the ground. Get rid of him and find a real man.

I have always found that the people that judge others and call them fat, ugly, or some other random remark about their outword appearance, are in fact the exact people that have self confidence issues. It makes them feel good to put others down... just my opinion. I don't think it is EVER right to judge someone's appearance. Who is he to do that? It just isn't my place to say that about someone.

If I were you I would just honestly ask if I was happy where I'm at, if 120 is perfectly fine with you then don't change it. Never change for anyone but yourself. Honestly I don't see a problem with 120 pounds but to each his own I guess. If your boyfriend is just bringing you down you need to decide if he is worth the abuse or if you really do need to change to better yourself.

He is an . You are not "chubby",, find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

You are all right... no one deserves to be treated this way and no one ever has a right to tell you to change unless you're abusing your ownelf or being unhealthy. I have been ignoring his calls since yesterday. Finally tonight he came to my apt to apologize. He said he was sorry and sorry for hurting my feelings. He says all he wants is to make me happy and he thought that telling me to go on a diet will make me happier by boosting myself esteem once I lose the weight.

Isn't he just finding an excuse to make it look like he's helping me? So he doesn't look so bad? Well at least that's the first thoughts that came to my mind when he said that OR am I just being so hard on him now? I'm still confused with what I want to do. I have not broken up with yet since he did say sorry. I am just scared that what if he does it again.

He is a jerk and you should just let him go and look for someone who will love you for you. I know easier said than done but its def worth a try because this will only lead to bigger things.

Everyone here is right. It will only get worse. I had a boyfriend a long time ago who started in on me the same way. I was 5'2" and 112 pounds, but he told me his last girlfriend was thinner and he wished I were more like her. So I wanted to please him and lost some weight, but he said it wasn't enough. I was running, doing situps, pushup, dieting.

I said, what weight would be right?, and he says 100 pounds. So I dieted to 100 pounds (and frankly I was sick all the time at that weight). He doesn't say anything, so I finally said, "You asked me to get down to 100 pounds and I have. What do you think?" And he says, "Oh." Sounding really disappointed. "You don't look the way I thought you would." And that's all he had to say after my months of dieting and exercising. I can't believe I stayed a minute longer, but I did leave eventually. If people start in tearing you down like this, it never ends. Don't give him any chances. Just leave. You are fine. He's the one with the problem. My boyfriend bought me clothes that were too small too. I got the message.

One thing that I noticed when I got an apartment in another city was that when I was with him, I thought I was fat and when I was away on my own, I thought I looked great. It finally dawned on me that I wasn't changing. I just hated myself when I was around him.

That is just another tactic to control you. He was justifying his bad behaviour by making you think that he was only doing this in your best interests, when in fact they weren't. He knew he had to change his approach to get what he wanted. So he knew if he could lead you to believe, under the guise of caring about your happieness and self esteem, then that would manipulate you into losing weight. Were you unhappy before this? Did you have low self-esteem before this? It doesn't sound like it to me. He is the one that is trying to lower your self-esteem and happiness.

What he told you doesn't change a thing. In fact now he is telling you that he doesn't believe that you are happy with yourself, and you need to improve your self-esteem. Now you are fat, unhappy, and you don't think highly of yourself. Well isn't that so much nicer! He just added two more things. I would have been insulted. This is typical behaviour from a controller.

What do you feel in your gut? Trust your gut, and don't ever question it. I think you know what you should do, you are just having a hard time facing it.

[QUOTE=starbuck8;1440757]That is just another tactic to control you. He was justifying his bad behaviour by making you think that he was only doing this in your best interests, when in fact they weren't. He knew he had to change his approach to get what he wanted. So he knew if he could lead you to believe, under the guise of caring about your happieness and self esteem, then that would manipulate you into losing weight. Were you unhappy before this? Did you have low self-esteem before this? It doesn't sound like it to me. He is the one that is trying to lower your self-esteem and happiness.

What he told you doesn't change a thing. In fact now he is telling you that he doesn't believe that you are happy with yourself, and you need to improve your self-esteem. Now you are fat, unhappy, and you don't think highly of yourself. Well isn't that so much nicer! He just added two more things. I would have been insulted. This is typical behaviour from a controller.

What do you feel in your gut? Trust your gut, and don't ever question it. I think you know what you should do, you are just having a hard time facing it.

I don't know what happened above! Sorry! ;)

All I have to say is that if your calling yourself chubby your calling me chubby. I'm 5'1'' and the same wieght and I'm skinny. I am not chubby or fat. It took a while to et my confidence to this point but honestly I will brag. I came from being 150 pounds to 120, so I'm proud and I am certainly not fat or chubby.

If he is calling you any of those name DUMP HIM!! My boyfriend didn't even call me fat when I was 150 pounds, and yea I had love handles and he loved them. He was always grabbing me by them and telling me how much he loved them and how sexy he thought I was. He made me comfortable. You should not be with a guy who makes you hate yourself.

Sorry if I'm being brash but reading that a man is making you think your chubby disgusts me.

It is def time to let go. Someone will think your sexy and attractive even if you gained 100 pounds.

If he wants to chase some "ideal" figure in his head, that's fine. He isn't a scumbag because he might have certain predispositions. We all do. Some women melt for a tall guy with a bass voice. Some guys like long hair and curves. And on and on and on.

If I put on some weight on my partner would probably say something about it. Doesn't mean shed love me less. We just both place a healthy priority on how we treat our bodies. If I get a bad haircut, she gets to say something. If my breath is nasty, fair game.

So he isn't a scumbag for wanting a girlfriend who might match some of his "ideal" likes. Again, we all do that to some degree and admitting you have physical traits you like in another isn't evil or wrong.

BUT...

He IS a scumbag for speaking about this the way he has been doing. He IS a jerk for making this a perpetual issue. Look... you aren't married. No lifelong vows here. You (meaning "he") don't get to stay with someone and whine and complain about something... you (him again) get to choose... and if the person you are with isn't all you want you don't stay and moan about it.

Then again, he chooses moaning. Ick to that.

Lord knows I've had too many faults. Some I've fixed. Some I never will. At some point you need to accept your partners faults without demanding they be fixed. That does NOT mean you lay back and take whatever your partner gives you.

A lasting relationship takes work and compromise and sometimes conflict that you are willing to live with... but... he has had his say over and over. He thinks you have weight issues (and I find that hard to believe based on your personal info) and he's not going to shut up about it.

Physical fitness is important for a lot of reasons... and even a person who looks "fit" needs to take care of their body and work it for best overall health (and that does help with mental too)... that said, this guy just seems to be a snot.

Last time I checked people are supposed to love them for the person that they are not by what they look like. Your a good person. That type of behavior from him is unacceptable. Not to sound hostile but if I was in your shoes. Id smack some sense into his head. Lol you deserve better.

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Originally Posted by fatsohesays

you are all right........no one deserves to be treated this way and no one ever has a right to tell you to change unless you're abusing your ownelf or being unhealthy. i have been ignoring his calls since yesterday. finally tonight he came to my apt to apologize. he said he was sorry and sorry for hurting my feelings. he says all he wants is to make me happy and he thought that telling me to go on a diet will make me happier by boosting my self esteem once i lose the weight.

isn't he just finding an excuse to make it look like he's helping me? so he doesn't look so bad? well at least thats the first thoughts that came to my mind when he said that OR am i just being so hard on him now? im still confused with what i want to do. i have not broken up with yet since he did say sorry. i am just scared that what if he does it again.

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I agree with the others, he's trying to regain control of you now that he sees you're catching on to his game. Stick with those first thoughts that came to your mind, it's your instinct reading his intentions before the poison he injects with his words could take effect and make you doubt yourself.

Thank him for the apology and the concern for yourself esteem. Tell him you have discovered that the best way to boost yourself esteem is to surround yourself with people with positive attitudes and constructive comments and he just doesn't fit your ideal mold like your body style doesn't seem to fit his. Thank him for his time and send him on his way so you can both find the person that makes you truly happy.
Ber

If you want some insight look at this. See I'm a dude who isn't the best looking. Or has the best body in the world. And at times ill have my insecure moments too because I take so much in from what others tell me. That I can't change or that I won't get a girl again. But what keeps me going is I could say my family and my friends. Just the thrill of success keeps me brushing off whatever negative comments people come at me with. Strong girl like you I know that one lucky dude is going to find you and treat you the way your supposed to be treated. But till then. Keep your head up. Not down. And smile lol

Hope this helps you out a bit more.

Okay.. breaking up is just so hard to do. I don't even know where to start. For the past few days.. ive been so busy with the holidays that I've been showing him the wrong impression that everything is back to "normal" again. And I honestly did not notice it until I logged on here today. We've been laughing and acted normal. I know what he did was wrong and I don't deserve any of this BUT now how do I bring it up again? I also don't think I can do this right before christmas. It'll be just too much to handle. I also just found that he didn't pass his board exam. I don't think I can do this to him. Or am I just too nice again? I don't know.

Thanks again!

Well, it isn't you fault that he didn't pass his board exams for one thing. That is entirely on his shoulders, and you shouldn't feel any guilt for that.

As for breaking up during the holidays? Well, I realize that will cause extra drama and stress. On one hand it might be better to wait until after the holidays. On the other hand, he might really resent that you waited, and the drama ensues anyway. Tough call. You might just want to tell him that you want the holidays to be a fun time, but you need to sit down and talk to him once all of the festivities and celebrations are done with. It's probably not going to be easy no matter what time of year, and there is always going to be a reason to give yourself to postpone the inevitable.

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

Tough call. You might just want to tell him that you want the holidays to be a fun time, but you need to sit down and talk to him once all of the festivities and celebrations are done with.

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That may be a bit out of the question. I know that if my girlfriend told me this, I would be freaking out the entire holiday season due to the upcoming talk at the end. I think it paves an awkward feeling throughout the holidays. I am not sure what you should do either, but, like Starbuck said, you cannot take responsibility for his failing of the exams. You need to worry about yourself and what makes you happy. You are priority one, not him.

It is hard but I think he just made it a little easier for me. We won't be spending christmas eve or christmas day with each other. I'll be with my family and same with him. This morning he asked me if I could see him possibly after work. I told I wasn't sure it depends on how bad the weather is. My car is not so good in the snow. Then he put this guilt trip on me saying that I don't want to see him and I'll just see him Friday. I hate that feeling. Why can't he just understand that its not that I don't want to see him because I do. It's just that I hate driving around in the snow. Why can't he think of my safety? And not be selfish? :mad: I guess this could be a start to say I'm out and I just hope I will be able to do this.

He's not thinking of your safety hon, because it's all about him, and he doesn't care if you put yourself in danger. If he was a good boyfriend, he would have offered to come pick you up, come to your house instead, or pay for a cab so you would be safe!

Just the fact that he isn't even going to be with you on C'mas eve or day, and is making you feel bad about it, shows you that he really doesn't care about your feelings at all! You don't want to spend more Christmases like this do you?

I'm sorry, and I know what it's like this time of year, but I think this might be the time to start fresh. Call it your C'mas diet! You can go around telling everyone you lost over a hundred pounds during the C'mas season! ;)

Merry Christmas to you!

good people like you. Sad to see getting hurt by those type of dudes. For the record. True beauty lies in the mind. Not by the body. If that makes sense lol look it's a rough time for u as tomorrow is going to be xmas. But u alreadly have a gift. U got love n u got support. Espically from this site lol spend time with your family, enjoy the holidays, hang with friends, live it up. That guy is only going to put u down more n more. U don't need nor deserve that.

merry xmas to all. =]

This guy is neither bright nor kind. Be good to yourself and get rid of him.

Hi my name is Liza and I'm 21 year old girl with 90 kg weight ,I'm very fat girl just bcoz of this I safer from depression still taking medicine ,I'm not use to eat a lot ,this is bcoz of hormonal imbalance problem and I try to loss weight but I loss my hope again and again and a new friend and my old friends , my family ,everyone waiting for me that when I will get slim ,my courier , my marriage and my dreams to look beautiful ,every time I think about this all and my friend he again and again realize me get slim hmm I feel shame ,everyone everyone saying me get slim you look so beautiful ,get slim and now what's my problem is chirtmas party and my friend with his family coming there and I feel shy to met them hmmm this time I'm in london but I'm going India with in 1 month and going to come back uk after 8 months hmm and everyone saying this when you will come back *** come slim and I'm depress bcoz I try to loos my weight so many times but after some time I loss my hope ,but after going to India I'm going to start weight losing again but bcoz of hormonal imbalance problem it is not easy to loos your weight fast huhhhhhhhhhh ,what should I do friends ,what should I do,I'm alon in india with my mom and it is not easy for me to be happy every-time and for Christmas party I decided hmmmm I'm not going ,I will pray at home and I will wish father jesus happy birthday at home only .thank you