Hello I met this woman online I have known her for three years and in them three years we have been together off and on and I admit I have done my share of being unfaithfull to her by flirting and talking to woman on the internet I have never cheated on her physically but now things have changed she relocated to where I live and she is pregnant and the baby is mine to my knowledge and were talking about getting married too but there is some things that worry me she always has her phone on vibrate she gets all these calls from other states I know cause I see the number when it shows up on the caller id on her cell phone but she justs ignore the call when I ask her why don't she answer it she says it's my phone I don't have to answer it if I don't want to or she always says to me ever heard of the wrong number but her favorite one is it's them bill collecters help me is it me or you know I'm scared

It sounds like she is purposely not answering when you are around.
For now all you can do is give her the benefit of the doubt.
Quit making an issue out of the calls and maybe she will be more open or slip up. The more you ask the more she is going to hide.

She clearly is not sharing everything with you. Get a paternity test, before you get married.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

She clearly is not sharing everything with you. Get a paternity test, before you get married.

---

And before you sign a birth cert, look to the family law section for a man that went down this route.

Best of luck.

While I don't think you can say she is lying, she sure does seem to be hiding something from you. It's also strange that she's moved close to you when she got pregnant, and you don't seem so sure that it's yours. It almost comes off like she's using you for financial help for the child as opposed to really into you. Again this is just speculation based on a few sentences you wrote, but I'd keep my eye on her strange behavior.

OK despite all the phone calls she gets on her cell phone from other states I also have done her wrong to as far as flirting and talking to woman but it was only on the internet but now the situation changed her being pregnant and us talking about getting married I don't do that anymore I am making a change but she does also accuse me of cheating also and when she brings it up to me I reasure her how much I love her and how we are going to get married you know let her know how I feel so she knows I am not cheating on her and would not cheat but when I bring up these phone calls she gets from these other states and I question her she want to get mad and get attitude ( I don't have to answer my phone every time it rings or ever heard of the wrong number or it's them bill collecters or I am not going to talk to you about this right now)

Ps. Thank you to everybody for your feedback

I would tell her that if we plan to get married we need to start a fresh start NOW ASAP. You are willing to not talk to other girls and you would feel she is more serious if she would quit getting these calls from other states. Tell her that you question her sincerity in the commitment if you two can not move ahead into a committed relationship without the baggage.
I read the other post. I agree with the others get a paternity test she may know another guy in your town.
I would proceed with caution with her. Make sure of her sincerity and commitment to making it work with you.

I can't see getting married to someone who could not address my concerns, or answer direct questions, or reassure me with facts and understanding. Heck, I wouldn't even date someone like that!! Love may be blind, but it doesn't have to be stupid.

Sorry guy, this is not the time to commit to something you have no facts, and too much feelings about.

So this is why you want lie detector tests?

I dated a cheater for a long time and I was very stupid for staying with him when I knew what was going on. My best advice to you is. If she is constantly accusing you of cheating on her it means that she's cheated on you and she waiting for you to admit that you cheated on her so that she will feel less quilty for what she did. Its messed up but 9 times out of 10 that's what's going on. She probably think if she can get you to confess to cheating on her then she tell admit it to you no problem and you can't get mad at her because you did to and likewise. Best of luck

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by J_9

So this is why you want lie detector tests?

---

Yes I mean since I have doubts about so many things but she is pregnant by me to my knowledge and I hope so I mean if she has cheated it's not like she will tell me in the mean time a baby is growing inside her

You go for a paternity test NOT a lie detector test.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

I can't see getting married to someone who could not address my concerns, or answer direct questions, or reassure me with facts and understanding. Heck, I wouldn't even date someone like that!!! Love may be blind, but it doesn't have to be stupid.

Sorry guy, this is not the time to commit to something you have no facts, and to much feelings about.

---

You got a point thanks man

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You go for a paternity test NOT a lie detector test.

---

Yes this would NOT be good. Ok so she moved with you... she came a long way to come and be with you. Now she is pregnant and still having unsure feelings about you or whether she can trust you considering the past. Chances are this is your baby BUT take a paternity test at the hospital and have it arranged before you sign off on the Birth Certificate and give your last name to the baby. It is awful that you will have to speculate and expect the worst in such a special moment. You will have to tell her how you feel and why you want the paternity test done... you can say that you don't feel that she is being honest with you 100% and you have reason to believe that because of that you want to ensure that this is in fact your baby. I have no doubt she will be upset in any event so be prepared for her defense... just be a good listener, understanding, patent, let her vent, don't interrupt, reassure her you love her, how you feel about her and the logical reasons for your request. Do you love this lady? Please don't get married just because you have a child together... make sure you say I DO because you love her. If you are not truly in love there are other ways going about this. Also, since you plan on getting married... suggest pre-marital counseling and go to it, this will give you the ability to get it out all on the table without pushing the situation directly on her. You do have a right to be heard and she does have the right to some privacy but I honestly don't think her behavior regarding the phone calls is normal. For the cheating I honestly don't think it is a physical thing either.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

Yes this would NOT be good. Ok so she moved with you...she came a long way to come and be with you. Now she is pregnant and still having unsure feelings about you or whether she can trust you considering the past. Chances are this is your baby BUT take a paternity test at the hospital and have it arranged before you sign off on the Birth Certificate and give your last name to the baby. It is awful that you will have to speculate and expect the worst in such a special moment. You will have to tell her how you feel and why you want the paternity test done...you can say that you don't feel that she is being honest with you 100% and you have reason to believe that because of that you want to ensure that this is in fact your baby. I have no doubt she will be upset in any event so be prepared for her defense...just be a good listener, understanding, patent, let her vent, don't interrupt, reassure her you love her, how you feel about her and the logical reasons for your request. Do you love this lady? Please don't get married just because you have a child together...make sure you say I DO because you love her. If you are not truly in love there are other ways going about this. Also, since you plan on getting married...suggest pre-marital counseling and go to it, this will give you the ability to get it out all on the table without pushing the situation directly on her. You do have a right to be heard and she does have the right to some privacy but I honestly don't think her behavior regarding the phone calls is normal. For the cheating I honestly don't think it is a physical thing either.

---

OK well thank you for you input but I didn't expect an answer like this one I got from you but I got to questions for you why would think chances are good for the baby to be mine and if in fact she is cheating on any level what makes you think it's not a physical affair

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sams721

ok well thank you for you input but i didn't expect an answer like this one i got from you but i got to questions for you why would think chances are good for the baby to be mine and if infact she is cheating on any level what makes you think it's not a physical affair

---

I know, I am objective and neutral... I don't want to over speculate and that is why I gave you the answer I did. Firstly regarding the pregnancy, she wasn't pregnant till you guys got back together (if I am incorrect; correct me). Though she has all these phone calls, they seem to be long distance... maybe an online flirting thing... she did take it too far by giving out personal information like her phone number and postal code (there are so many weirdo's out there I can't imagine giving out information like that). For her to cheat while pregnant is more then likely not going to happen because she has to be concerned about what's going on inside of her and protect herself from any possible infections... that is of course if she has those motherly instincts. I am pregnant now and if I was going to cheat on my husband (which I never have and never would) it would be a time when I am not endangering another life (exposing baby to potential STD's), my husband and I never wear protection but we do when I am pregnant just because even with something like a bladder infection or yeast infection you need to be treated... I try to avoid any sort of drug even Tylenol when pregnant. Also, there may be a chance that she did physically cheat on you during the time she was not pregnant but we can't say for sure. It is better not to assume but to find the truth of the matter and resolve the issue once and for all. If she did cheat and this is not your baby... you need to make your choice. If she did cheat but it is your baby then you need to make your choice but don't make the grave mistake assuming that she did cheat but didn't and this is your baby. This is all I am saying... stay practical and unemotional... try to find the truth.

Secondly, cheating physically or not is not acceptable especially in such a relationship as yours. You two have been on and off for three years and there is no stability. How are you two going to come to some ground for stability and love for the new baby (if it is yours). You are making the effort and she is not (because she is not telling you everything - mind you we all have right to some privacy). It seems she has doubts about you and your loyalty to her. She also may be acting out on her insecurities and thus the phone calls. She needs to stop and start being honest with you if she wants the relationship to evolve... especially if you two are contemplating on getting married. You can't and you shouldn't say I do if you have doubts yourself... how in love are you to sign a contract that could impede you financially later if the relationship does not work out. I also wanted to say, cheating is cheating, whether physical or not, she will need to stop this if you two intend on working out your dilemma's. Pre marital counseling is a good solution for right now (or that's what I think anyhow... plus they make it fun and you learn stuff about your partner too).

Thirdly, what kind of financial trouble is she in?

I also failed to ask what other indications (other then the phone calls) is giving you the inclination that she is cheating? (ie. Is she going out all dressed up? etc.)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

I know, I am objective and neutral...I don't want to over speculate and that is why I gave you the answer I did. Firstly regarding the pregnancy, she wasn't pregnant till you guys got back together (if I am incorrect; correct me). Though she has all these phone calls, they seem to be long distance...maybe an online flirting thing...she did take it too far by giving out personal information like her phone number and postal code (there are so many weirdo's out there I can't imagine giving out information like that). For her to cheat while pregnant is more then likely not going to happen because she has to be concerned about whats going on inside of her and protect herself from any possible infections...that is of course if she has those motherly instincts. I am pregnant now and if I was going to cheat on my husband (which I never have and never would) it would be a time when I am not endangering another life (exposing baby to potential STD's), my husband and I never wear protection but we do when I am pregnant just because even with something like a bladder infection or yeast infection you need to be treated...I try to avoid any sort of drug even Tylenol when pregnant. Also, there may be a chance that she did physically cheat on you during the time she was not pregnant but we can't say for sure. It is better not to assume but to find the truth of the matter and resolve the issue once and for all. If she did cheat and this is not your baby...you need to make your choice. If she did cheat but it is your baby then you need to make your choice but don't make the grave mistake assuming that she did cheat but didn't and this is your baby. This is all I am saying...stay practical and unemotional...try to find the truth.

Secondly, cheating physically or not is not acceptable especially in such a relationship as yours. You two have been on and off for three years and there is no stability. How are you two going to come to some ground for stability and love for the new baby (if it is yours). You are making the effort and she is not (because she is not telling you everything - mind you we all have right to some privacy). It seems she has doubts about you and your loyalty to her. She also may be acting out on her insecurities and thus the phone calls. She needs to stop and start being honest with you if she wants the relationship to evolve...especially if you two are contemplating on getting married. You can't and you shouldn't say I do if you have doubts yourself...how in love are you to sign a contract that could impede you financially later if the relationship does not work out. I also wanted to say, cheating is cheating, whether physical or not, she will need to stop this if you two intend on working out your dilemma's. Pre marital counseling is a good solution for right now (or that's what I think anyhow...plus they make it fun and you learn stuff about your partner too).

Thirdly, what kind of financial trouble is she in?

---

Well I met her online like I said before she is from New Jersey she worked out in New Jersey for the postal service for 4 years had her own place she has a daughter from a past relationship well a lot of things happened in her personnal life so she left her job for a little while she feel into a deep deperession to make a long story short she lost her apartment she couldn't get no financial help to keep her apartment hell she even put up the title to her car even and she still got evicted and we were talking prior to all this but I didn't find out it was this bad till I got out of jail well she then puts all her and her daughters things in storage and moved out here with me while she has been here with me she got a job but wasn't making that much money to what she was used to making so she lost her storage in New Jersey cause she couldn't pay it but now she got a better job at at&t she has her bachlers degree in computers makes more money then me so I know she ain't using me for money lol

Dude, you don't even believe the baby is yours 100% how can this be a woman you want to marry. This is a divorce waiting to happen. If you have this many doubts now, why go through with it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sams721

Well i met her online like i said before she is from new jersey she worked out in new jersey for the postal service for 4 years had her own place she has a daughter from a past relationship well alot of things happened in her personnal life so she left her job for a little while she feel into a deep deperession to make a long story short she lost her apartment she couldn't get no financial help to keep her apartment hell she even put up the title to her car even and she still got evicted and we were talking prior to all this but i didn't find out it was this bad till i got out of jail well she then puts all her and her daughters things in storage and moved out here with me while she has been here with me she got a job but wasn't making that much money to what she was used to making so she lost her storage in new jersey cause she couldn't pay it but now she got a better job at at&t she has her bachlers degree in computers makes more money then me so i know she ain't using me for money lol

---

So if you met her online, chances are she is talking to people online... that is all I am saying. I am relieved to hear that she is not using you for money but that was not really the big concern of yours. You where not sure if she was cheating on you or not. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything - sorry :). After everything we talked about; have you decided what you are going to do?

If he is having uneasy feeling then he should follow his instincts and not jump into anything. It doesn't sound like this girl is too concerned about if they stay together or not.

If she says it's bill collectors it very well could be. I signed up for a debt management program a while back because I was only working 12 hours a week and for a while I couldn't pay my bills. So I was getting these calls constantly for a month or two and after a while of me telling them that I'm going through a debt management program they stopped calling and my debt management company took over all the calls. You may want to sit down with her and see how her finances are. Ask her if she needs help sorting things out. I'm just saying if she's telling you that it's debt collectors calling her and they're phone numbers from different states, from my experience her story checks out. Get a paternity test because that will ease your mind, but if you don't trust her you don't belong together

True but if she is purposely avoiding answering calls when he is around I question her reasons.

I thought of that too, but when I was getting those calls, I didn't answer at all, it didn't matter who was around. Lol. It just got old, telling them over and over again that they need to call my debt management company.

Yeah I don't answer calls unless they are on my phone list but I think if it is his instincts telling him she is hiding something then that is more than likely why she is not answering.

Could be, I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt because I've been there. My fiancé swore up and down there was someone else when I broke up with him, because of all those calls and it really hurt that he didn't believe me. I should have just given him my phone to have him call them back, so he knew. But I didn't think of that then.

I would have to go with NoHelp4u, regardless of whether she is being honest about the bill collectors or not... they are contemplating on getting married... HUGE STEP and she is pregnant. He needs to get to the bottom of it if they are to move on and if she is unwilling then he may want to reconsider his proposal and forget it or propose at a later date when she can get straight with him. If she is serious about getting married, then she needs to understand his concerns and make some compromises... otherwise forget it. Work through the problems or move on. You can't say I DO when you aren't sure YOU DO.

I totally agree that he needs to get to the bottom of this, but I'm just saying that it might actually be what she says it is, bill collectors. I can't tell you how pissed I was when my fiancé kept asking me if there was someone else when the whole time I was getting calls it was from my gm card or capital one. The OP needs to say "fine, if these are bill collectors, let's get this under control" and ask to see some statements to show that he wants to help her sort this all out, if that's actually the case. If she can't prove that she's behind on paying bills, then he can worry.

I agree it could be bill collectors and he should not go accusing her of anything but just continue to watch her behavior and try and work things out IF possible. But if she is uncooperative or continues doing sneaky things then he need to think twice about going any deeper in the relationship. It is not good to assume and accuse but if you can't shake a gut feeling then usually it is what to go on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I agree it could be bill collectors and he should not go accusing her of anything but just contiIt is not good to assume and accuse but if you can't shake a gut feeling then usually it is what to go on.

---

Absolutely!

Edit: but she has to be cooperative or it won't work.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

absolutely!

edit: but she has to be cooperative or it won't work.

---

Yeah that is what I am getting out of this is she is doing her own thing and not concerned with their relationship.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

I also failed to ask what other indications (other then the phone calls) is giving you the inclination that she is cheating? (ie. is she going out all dressed up? etc.)

---

I still think that Sam should elaborate on this to give us a clear idea on if there are any other indications she is cheating. If it is just the debt collectors then they need to sit down and work it out together. How can you start a future together without being open... financially or emotionally? They need to get to the bottom of it. He will have to make decisions based on everything he finds out. I think this thread and all the posts given where great and an awesome support for him... especially on giving him ideas on how to approach the situation. I said also in a previous post not to make assumptions; I do agree that gut feelings are valid but sometimes they are confused with insecurity and past events. Approach the issues with a problem solving, positive attitude first and try to assist this way and the truth will unfold itself. I am not sure on whether she is or is not concerned about the relationship but I can say that her actions are compromising in any event.

Regards.

Also it would help to have the numbers.
If they are bill collectors I can find out really very easily.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Also it would help to have the numbers.
If they are bill collectors I can find out really very easily.

---

I guess if he wants to invade her privacy and raid her phone for numbers... sounds awful but us women are great P.I.'s and think really twisted sometimes (we are evil) hahaha. I don't suggest that he go about it that way; I think he needs to have her talk it out. But to add to the post, if he was going to he could get the numbers and Google it or use the search engin Find a Person or Business with our free online White Pages and Yellow Pages for USA or 411.ca - Canada's Local Search Engine - Reverse Phone Lookup for Canada.

He must know something about the numbers since he said they are out of state numbers.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

He must know something about the numbers since he said they are out of state numbers.

---

Agreed, he evidently does, but we can't possibly encourage him to be unethical about it (including my contribution) search and possibly call around... I guess he will make that move if he wants to.

Not trying to encourage him. If he did see the numbers and remembered the area code and the first three numbers that should be enough
Actually here is the site to look up many collectors numbers
http://800notes.com/

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

So if you met her online, chances are she is talking to people online...that is all I am saying. I am relieved to hear that she is not using you for money but that was not really the big concern of yours. You where not sure if she was cheating on you or not. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything - sorry :). After everything we talked about; have you decided what you are going to do?

---

Yes I want to get a paternity test and we had a talk lastnight and you see I have two kids from two past relationships that I never got a paternity test for I admit for any man to sign a birth certifcate with out knowing if the baby is his is probably stupid and she always tells me everyonce in while that I should have got a dna test on both of my kids so I wouldn't have to go through the child support drama you know pay a lot out of pocket for kids that ain't mine well last night I approached her and well I didn't how to tell her I wanted a dna test so I got into the conversation of getting a dna test done on both of my kids because in my mind if I ask her for a paternity test then I should go back and get a paternity test done on my 2 kids I have now right so when I brought that up to her attetntion she told me she been trying to tell me to get a dna test done on my kids for awhile then she asked me if I ever asked the mothers of my 2 children for a paternity test I said no she asked me why I told her because I believe they were mine and I didn't want to offend them and she said if any man asks a woman for a dna test on their child and she gets offensive the odds are the child could possibly not be his OK then I explained to her that I wanted a dna test for this child then she went crazy I don't understand I am so damn confused and I got myself in so deep and I do love god knows I do what do I do

Oh and another thing she said is that if I am doubting that the baby is mine then she won't have the child she will just get a termination then get a dna test so I know that that chils was mine

I can't believe she didn't see that coming, and I smell a rat!!

Judge for yourself, do her actions match her words?

To be fair, she might be just in shock, so even though its best to back off a bit, stick to your guns, and when the emotional dust settles, just be honest about why you feel that way.

Don't be intimidated by her reaction, not for a minute though, as resolving issues, may hurt in the short term, but clear the air in the long run.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sams721

yes i want to get a paternity test and we had a talk lastnight and you see i have two kids from two past relationships that i never got a paternity test for i admit for any man to sign a birth certifcate with out knowing if the baby is his is probably stupid and she always tells me everyonce in while that i should have got a dna test on both of my kids so i wouldn't have to go through the child support drama you know pay alot out of pocket for kids that ain't mine well last night i approached her and well i didn't how to tell her i wanted a dna test so i got into the conversation of getting a dna test done on both of my kids because in my mind if i ask her for a paternity test then i should go back and get a paternity test done on my 2 kids i have now right so when i brought that up to her attetntion she told me she been trying to tell me to get a dna test done on my kids for awhile then she asked me if i ever asked the mothers of my 2 children for a paternity test i said no she asked me why i told her because i believe they were mine and i didn't want to offend them and she said if any man asks a woman for a dna test on their child and she gets offensive the odds are the child could possibly not be his ok then i explained to her that i wanted a dna test for this child then she went crazy i don't understand i am so damn confused and i got my self in so deep and i do love god knows i do what do i do

oh and another thing she said is that if i am doubting that the baby is mine then she won't have the child she will just get a termination then get a dna test so i know that that chils was mine

---

OMG, first she was completely hypocritical... she said "if any man asks a woman for a dna test on their child and she gets offensive the odds are the child could possibly not be his" then when you pop the idea she responds by "i wanted a dna test for this child then she went crazy" AND "if i am doubting that the baby is mine then she won't have the child she will just get a termination then get a dna test". She shouldn't go back on what she says and is not taking her own advice not only that but threatening abortion! Kind of dramatic. I think your approach was correct and a good way to ease in and pop the question. I can see why you feel confused she does give you a lot of mixed signals. This really concerns me, if I was you, I would pursue the DNA test for sure now (along with the other two kids) and you should mention to her, her mistake of being in support of DNA in the first place then retracting what she said. Why should you pay child support for kids that aren't yours?. gosh you will be working only to write off your cheques and that is hard because you will never get ahead. My Brother-in-law has 4 and only 1 of them are his (I think anyhow)... he has a hard time paying bills and everything - I maintain that he gets the test but he loves them too. Stand your ground and insist further... reassure her you love her and want to be with her (keep it as civil as possible till you know) but you are considering testing all the children and if she still refuses then you might have to slap a Court Order in her face if things get nasty. Testing will have to wait until the baby is born, if she aborts then you have no control over that... she will do with her body as she pleases but I don't think that was mature of her at all. You are going to face a difficult time but all will turn out in the end as it should (remember how we all feel about you getting married to her).

Another problem: How are you going to get her to explain the phone calls or talk about assisting her in her debt issues (if any)? Are you going to suggest counseling?