Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend wants me to loose weight.

My boyfriend wants me to loose weight.

I have been dating this wonderful guy for a while and everything is going well... I asked him once what bothered him about me... and he shocked me with his answer... my weight!! I consider myself in decent shape, I work out 4 times a week... I am 5"10' and 170lbs... so I am healthy and very active. I am just not a skinny model type that he probably wants. I told him I would loose weight... and he was so happy about it. I started working out a lot more and I eat a lot less... the weight is surely coming off slowly. But I cannot help but feel hurt by that... I am not going to lie... I would like to shed like 20lbs and get into my dream size 6... I am a size 10 now... I am glad he was honest with me... I think most men prefer smaller women... so why does that still bother me so much? No guy ever told me to loose weight... I find myself constantly looking in the mirror and all of sudden I feel fat... myself esteem went down ever since he told me about that. Should I just suck it up and loose the weight that should make both of us happier? Should I just dump him? I used to feel pretty attractive... I have doubts now... I never had problems finding guys... a lot of guys hit on me... but I think I fell in love... I am confused...
What do you think? I would like some honest answers from guys... Thanks...

It bothers you because he is a self centered slob that wants what he probably does not deserve! Loose weight if you feel it is necessary for yourself not for that jerk. 5"10" 170 pounds might seem heavy, but remember muscle weighs more than fat. So if you are in good shape and can kick his butt, quit worrying it and enjoy the strength you have.
BTW I am 6-2, my wife is 6foot and one of our kids is 6foot so I know a thing or two about being tall in a world of 5'5" and 100 pounds.

Tell him you'd be happy to lose weight---he weighs what? 200 lbs? There's 200 lbs that's EASY to get rid of! You just kick it all the way to the curb!

I have mixed feelings about this. He has never said anything until you asked him what bothered him. He was honest. He is with you obviously for other reasons, not because the way you look or your weight.

You asked him for his answer and you got it. That doesn't mean you need to make him happy. Do what makes you happy.

i just think anyone that asks this question is bound to get hurt. But whose fault is it?? The person that asked or the person that answered?.

He told you his answer, so now when you do lose weight it's going to look like you are doing it for him, and not yourself. Tough situation.

Don't let his comment bring you down. Like I said he is with you for a reason. Keep your head up. You are beautiful :)

You asked him what bothered you so you need to be strong enough to handle whatever he tells you when you set yourself up like that.
If you hadn't asked you might never have known since he is not making an issue of it. Now it is bothering you more than it is bothering him. You lose the weight for you not him. You have put a lot of this on yourself I am guessing since you set the size 6 and not him.

It doesn't even sound like you really need to lose all that weight. Like a size 10 is not all that over weight and a size 6 is really too thin.
So I would guess that at a size 8 he would be more than happy.

I feel this way he got with you at this weight right he should accept you the way you are. If he truly loves you. You are very healthy and not over-weight. Please do not give yourself an eating disorder over a man

I agree with NOhelp4u. Go for size 8 and call it a day. (I'm size 8 and I think that's fine. :) who me, biased?) And don't ask questions like that anymore. I don't even like it when partners ask me "What do you like about me?" I would not want them to ask, "What do you dislike about me?" Ugh. Just trouble.

Well I'm not sure what is a healthy weight for a 5"10' person but I don't think it is so I think you should get to a healthy weight and eat rite and not feel bad

A size 6 for a 5' 10'' girl would be around a size 25-26 inch waist.
That is rather thin for her height.

You started this, so give the guy a break, as he did you a favor, not about your weight, but yourself esteem being hurt. He probably wishes he had said something else, so get over yourself. By the way Tyra Banks is about your size, and she is fine as cat hair. You probably are too!

Forget this, and let him off the hook.

Lesson to guys when a girl asks 'How do you like my... '
Give a neutral reply that can be taken either way.

Often when a girl sets herself up a guy will make up something simply because he 'feels' the girl wants an answer and he can't think of anything so he goes with the first thing that pops into his mind. I bet if you asked again he would say you are not overweight but he just said that. Guys are soooo inconsistent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Lesson to guys when a girl asks 'How do you like my.....'
Give a neutral reply that can be taken either way.

I have had more than one guy ask me, "What do you like about me?"
What's that about?

I try to say something nice, but it feels so scripted...
You really can't say anything neutral or make a joke, or they get all hurt.

Do you like my... (hair, dress,. )?
It is different
It is unique
It's definitely you

No. It's the Man asking me, the woman.

They are not asking about their clothes. They are asking what I like about them Don't mean to hijack the thread. Sorry.

Oh just tell them that you like something about their personality.
Like they make you laugh (if they have a good sense of humor)
Or you enjoy their company. If all else fails tell them you like their eyes or their smile.

Yeah, I do. I can always come up with a long list. But it seems strange to me to ask that.

My point was that it's similar to women asking for complements. Men do it too. But I don't know why they do that. It's so personal. It's not like saying, does this dress look okay or does this tie go with my shirt. It's about their personality. Then they don't say anything back; that's the other thing. I am thinking it's a pleasant game. I say all these nice things to the guy, and they don't say anything about what I said or say anything they like about me. If feels kind of one sided. I don't get it. My last two boyfriends did this at some point.

Yeah I think with guys they just want an ego booster
Whereas woman want more of a confidence builder.

Is that the same thing?

Yeah but I think that guys ego is more of a self centered thing whereas women want confidence more as a people pleasing thing.
Man worries about himself and women worry more about what others think.

Maybe what he is thinking of is the future? Before we were married, my wife was a bit on the plump side but carried it well. Still I knew that she loved to eat but kept it in check, probably gaining and losing 10-15 pounds every six months. After we got married, her self control went out the window and she has ballooned to about 280 pounds. The signs were there, but I ignored them out of love. Perhaps your boyfriend sees something in you that makes him worry about what you will look like in 10 years?

Damn I just do not understand how people find the skinny, rail thin model types attractive. Give me a healthy woman with curves any day!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

Damn I just do not understand how people find the skinny, rail thin model types attractive. Give me a healthy woman with curves any day!

Curves are fine if they're like the before photo, but do you find what she's become more attractive? Do curves include a big belly and rolls of fat?
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Quote:

Originally Posted by jcruz

Curves are fine if they're like the before photo, but do you find what she's become more attractive? Do curves include a big belly and rolls of fat?

First of all if you READ what I wrote then you will see the word healthy in there. Go ahead. Check. It's still there.
Second of all that little picture thing is entirely inappropriate.

Yeah, your in the ideal weight range, 5 or 10 pounds over tops. Its not like your 300 pounds, so don't worry about it.

If you are basing this on the body mass index please don't. That chart is seriously flawed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bnc995

yeah, your in the ideal weight range, 5 or 10 pounds over tops. Its not like your 300 pounds, so dont worry about it.

And if she is 300lbs she isn't worthy? I can see that as a health issue perhaps, but it sounds like you're saying that someone that is 300lbs is something to hang your head about, and be ashamed of. The OP said that her boyfriend focusing on this has affected her self esteem.

I don't think she should feel pressured by her boyfriend or anyone else, to be a certain size or weight, for her height, as long as she's healthy. She did say she works out 4 times a week! It does seem to me that she IS doing this for her boyfriend. No one should do anything like this for someone else. It has to be done for themselves, and what I took from the question, was that she was perfectly fine with herself before. She didn't mention any health issues, and probably would have not been thinking about this, had her boyfriend not told her that it bothered HIM! I don't think it matters if she asked him or not. I didn't hear her mention if he said he would love her regardless. I get a sense--and the OP can correct me if I'm wrong--that this is a BIG issue with her boyfriend, so she is feeling pressured to lose this weight because HE is unsatisfied!

I'm curious to know. I'm 5'8", and approx. 140lbs. Would you think that is the ideal weight for me? Remember, it's really easy to go by a chart.

We, as a society, have become so inundated with this that it baffles me. If you want to lose weight then fine but do it for yourself, not to fit into someone else's idea of what you should look like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

We, as a society, have become so inundated with this that it baffles me. If you want to lose weight then fine but do it for yourself, not to fit into someone else's idea of what you should look like.

I know! That's why kids as young as six years old, think they should go on diets! That is absolutely insane! All they see and hear, is that they have to look like Paris or Brittney, (where there is a lot of air brushing going on) or have that runway model look! There is such peer pressure to look that way! Children are killing themselves trying to fit in to this barbie doll world!---and some are actually literally killing and hurting themselves by things like 'cutting', and even committing suicide because they can't fit into a size ZERO! There is something SO wrong with the messages being sent! It doesn't matter. If you don't love yourself, losing weight for someone else will only cause more hurt. If the relationship breaks up, which---lets face it---so many young relationships do---the person will think that their weight was the problem, and there it starts on a trail of low self worth.

I would venture to guess that this is how many eating disorders (Anorexia, Bulimia) get started. I have an aunt that dated this one loser many many years ago and he would constantly tell her she was fat so she wouldn't eat. She is about 5'8" maybe 100lbs. If that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MarkwithaK

I would venture to guess that this is how many eating disorders (Anorexia, Bulimia) get started. I have an aunt that dated this one loser many many years ago and he would constantly tell her she was fat so she wouldn't eat. She is about 5'8" maybe 100lbs. if that.

I think that is exactly where the eating disorders come from, as well as the advertising and everything you see these days. I had an ex that used to be very controlling also. At any given time, I was too fat---too skinny---too fat.. It basically started like the OP's question. Now I actually have a hard time keeping my body weight UP! I was young at the time, and I listened to this ::hesitating:: man. I gained weight, lost weight, gained weight.. Now as I'm a little older, it is hard for me to control my weight, because it's all screwed up! That is the reason I asked the question about what someone on here would say about my current weight, based on a body weight/ height chart. I know. I wanted to see what someone else's guess would be!