Ask Me Help Desk - Is this a smart idea?

Is this a smart idea?

Okay so there is this girl who I met last year. At first I really liked her and enjoyed being with her. She was crazy about me too. But eventually I got less interested and just didn't want to be tied down. I tried to stay with the relationship but I was being a terrible boyfriend. She put up with it for a really long time and I just kept playing it off like I would change. Eventually I just couldn't do it anymore, I felt bad about how terrible I was and broke it off. I told her it wasn't fair to her and I needed to break it off.

We still stayed close after our breakup. Eventually something clicked and I realized that she was an amazing person and I was an idiot for breaking it off. Because we were always spending time together and what not and still having sex I figured she would want the same. However, when I asked her if she wanted to get back together she said she wanted to stay single and didn't want to be tied down. So pretty much our situations just switched and she now feels like I used to feel.

I was really surprised and hurt. I begged and pleaded for her to give me another chance but it wouldn't work. I became really depressed and angry. After a few days she didn't even want to talk to me anymore because I was so moody and all I did was complain. Pretty quickly I realized that what I was doing was stupid and stopped begging. Before we left for vacation I texted her after a few days of silence and said, before I left I had a few things to say to her to get off my chest. She figured that I was just going to say things to make her feel worse but instead I just came over and said goodbye to her. I did not act depressed at all and pretty much just said I understand how she feels and can't be mad at her because I did the same thing to her. I also told her that I DO want to be with her but I respect what she wants. She really appreciated me doing this and she knows how I feel. She told me that if I ever needed to talk don't be afraid to call her because it wasn't easier for her either. I told her that I would be okay though. Was that smart?

I don't plan on calling her for a while to let her do her own thing and not seem desperate. I am trying to enjoy my vacation but at the same time I want to get back together with her.

My question is, I was planning on sending her a xmas present, something not to expensive or flashy at all. In the card I was going to say in a friendly way that pretty much I know that I've messed up lots of things with our relationship but I want you to know that I am going to fix them. Is this a good idea?

I think karma's a b***h to begin with! :D

If you do send something don't expect a response. Don't expect anything at all, do it because you want to put a smile on her face and show her the good side of you.

If you can feel like that about it then I'd say send it.

How about sending a card without the "i know i messed up ur life..." part? Whatever happened, happened. You don't need to say sorry/feel sorry anymore.
Just simply say "merry Xmas, all my best for you". She will understand.

A gift, and text, is a lousy idea, and keeps you having false hope, despite that she wants nothing to do with you! Take the hint, and leave her alone, as you said you know how she feels.

Sorry you came to your senses to late to do anything about it, but its way to late now. Leave her alone.

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I did not act depressed at all and pretty much just said I understand how she feels and can't be mad at her because I did the same thing to her. I also told her that I DO want to be with her but I respect what she wants. She really appreciated me doing this and she knows how I feel. She told me that if I ever needed to talk don't be afraid to call her because it wasn't easier for her either. I told her that I would be okay though. Was that smart?

This was very smart and mature of you. Stick to this.

Become what you said you would be.

Don't send her a gift; like Tal says, it will only leave you with false hopes. Do what you said you would and respect her.

But... She still likes me too. Its not like she is over me. So I feel like if I don't say anything she will either forget about me, think I forgot about her.

That's part of breaking up with someone though. You don't expect the other person to give you presents for the holidays.

Unless you are really really ready for a long term relationship stay out of her life. Now, if you feel that this is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then get her alone ans tell her. Cards, gifts etc are not the brightest idea In my opinion.

The thing is though is like we are still friendly with each other and what not. Like as soon as vacation is over she will have no problem hanging out and even having sex with me. She clearly still has something for me. I was her first and only. I don't want her to think I don't want to get back with her cause I do.

Did you think that she might just be using you? I would question someone that I'm not in a relationship wanting to have sex with me but not wanting anything more

You should have a rule in place in your own head that says "No sex unless I'm in a committed relationship." That would take care of this.

To me, sex when you're not in a committed relationship is just using the other person for personal gain.

Stand up for yourself, hon. Don't settle to be her boy toy. Don't let her play with your heart that way. You deserve so much better.

I mean honestly I thought we were in a relationship up until recentely. Because its not like we just have sex, we hang out all the time too. So I just figured she was my girlfriend but then she said no she was single. I was very surprised by all this and she said she had finally gotten over me even though she definitely doesn't act like she has. So I told her that we shouldn't have sex anymore unless we are dating cause she is more than just a booty call to me. Like honestly we act exactly like we are dating except she says we arnt. And before that was fine to me but not now. I'm in too deep and really care now. I know karma is a but I am pretty confident I can get this thing back together again. I just need some tips

Sorry guy, you don't need tips, you need some reality, and for that, let the emotional dust settle, to see thru your brains, not feelings.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sorry guy, you don't need tips, you need some reality, and for that, let the emotional dust settle, to see thru your brains, not feelings.

What does that mean?

That means leave her alone for a while, and give yourself a chance to get better control of your emotions, so you can plan your actions in a realistic way. That's to avoid chasing, a female that has dumped you.

Right now as with us all, we are in shock after a break up, and think all we have to do is fix it. Peoples feelings don't work that way. It takes time to be at a point we can think with our brains and see the facts, or think with our feelings, because we can't see the facts.

We have all been there and done that. Your turn to grow and learn.

So what your saying is don't worry about getting her back now. If it happens it happens. But I WANT her back

She doesn't want you, or she would be back!

How do you know? Its been honestly two days since I last talked to her and said my goodbyes. We are both on vacation from school right now and she is with her girlfriends partying. Of course she hasn't said anything back yet. The last thing she said to me was call her if I needed to talk. "its not easy for me either"

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Originally Posted by talaniman

A gift, and text, is a lousy idea, and keeps you having false hope, despite that she wants nothing to do with you!! Take the hint, and leave her alone, as you said you know how she feels.

Sorry you came to your senses to late to do anything about it, but its way to late now. Leave her alone.

Who ever said she doesn't want anything to do with me? That is not the case at all. This only happened very recently and we still spend time together. She just doesn't want to date me or be tied down. Exactly how I used to feel.

Your relationship seems very interchangeable. One minute your feeling complacent the next your diving in head first. The same goes for this girl.

But never mind her, there's nothing you can do to change her mind. And there's no one on here that can tell you what her motivation is or what she's thinking. Why don't you stand back and look at the reasons for your very swift changes of heart. Maybe this will give you an insight into yourself and what you truly want. This choppy relationship could be only a manifestation of some other issue?

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Originally Posted by bobreid

She just doesnt want to date me or be tied down. Exactly how i used to feel.

Hmmm... repeat this to yourself a few times, and maybe reality will eventually hit. So, your plan, is to wait until she wants to date you, but until then, she will party it up and enjoy herself and do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. Good plan. That should be a good turnout for you... :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by bobreid https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
She just doesnt want to date me or be tied down. Exactly how i used to feel.

I agree with KC, are you waiting for her to change her mind??

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Hmmm....repeat this to yourself a few times, and maybe reality will eventually hit. So, your plan, is to wait until she wants to date you, but until then, she will party it up and enjoy herself and do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. Good plan. That should be a good turnout for ya... :rolleyes:

Well do you have any other plans? Your really misinterpreting this. She is not the type to go out and hook up with other guys and stuff like that. I just meant that for the next couple days she is in NYC partying with her girlfriends. She left today and as soon as she left I got a text.

I believe the other plans would be to leave her alone. Get over her because she doesn't want to be with you. If she did, she would be

Wow everyone on this site is such a pessimist. Forget I even asked. I'm not going to just go off into the night without even trying to make this work. Its better to try and fail then do nothing and fail.

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Originally Posted by bobreid

wow everyone on this site is such a pessimist. forget i even asked. im not gonna just go off into the night without even trying to make this work. its better to try and fail then do nothing and fail.

But you have tried and is not working. If you want to send her a present go ahead. But you can not change the way she feels about you. Your best bet would be to cut off cold turkey. MAYBE when she gets a chance to miss you then MAYBE she will come back. :confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobreid

wow everyone on this site is such a pessimist. forget i even asked. im not gonna just go off into the night without even trying to make this work. its better to try and fail then do nothing and fail.

You mean "try and fail and try and fail?" I don't see how that's going to benefit you.

Didn't get what you wanted to hear, huh? Sorry, about that. Its only advice, up to you, what you do.