Entire story merged

Ok,
I started working at a company in another state and it's about an hour drive in the morning and night. I want to move closer to the company (larger city), but my girlfriend, who has a good job in our hometown, is vehemently opposed to this, even going as far as saying that we will break up if this happens. I am not getting to make any relationships with my coworkers, I am left out of conversations, etc, because of my "outsider" status.

What do you think I should do? I love her, we've been together for 3 years, and an hour is not that far of a drive for weekend visiting and emergencies... plus I want to establish myself in the area for our future (opportunities are better in the area for our field), in case she gets a job in the area later.

Any ideas?

Coyne,

It kind of seems like she putting more importance on her career than yours. It's selfish that you two can only have a relationship if she lives where she works. So the deal is that if you move to better your career and be happier she is going to break up with you. I mean this is barely long distance... an hour! I'd just tell her how you feel, and that you aren't even asking her to move with you if she doesn't want to right now, you love her and want to be with her and think that laying a foundation in this city right now will be the best for both of you. No one should ever threaten you with ending a relationship for trying to better your life. How serious are you guys? I think you should seriously talk to her and find out if she is dead serious if she will end it, if so the world doesn't revolve around her and you should do what you want for you.

Thanks for the response Nice Guy,
Talked to her for a bit tonight, she doesn't even want to try to make it work for some reason. She went to school about 2 hours away a couple of years ago when we first started dating and is citing that as the reason she knows it won't work. I barely had time to visit her between school and work, and she drove back and forth all of the time. She also has some anxiety issues and the "safety" factor of me being 15 - 20 minutes away right now is nice for her. I don't know what to do, she is willing to try to move to the halfway point with me (about 30 minutes from where I am now, but it would only cut about 15 minutes off my commute due to traffic... so I don't know what to do.

Another thing is that there is so much to do in the larger city and the place we live now and the place she wants to go to are really "blink and you miss them towns"...

Well it kind of seems like you guys are at a crossroads, and want different things. How serious are you guys? Do you really see your future with her in it? Or are there just too many issue that will get in the way of that.

I see myself with her - I really do love her, and this is actually the first problem that we have had... I just do not want to lose out on a good opportunity and hold it against her

Stop talking about love. You two have loved each other for 3 years. That has always been there.

This is now about truth. 3 years is PLENTY of time to decide if you can spend the rest of your life wrapping your lives together sacrificially. The word is SACRIFICIALLY. This means putting the other person's needs equal to your own for all time.

My wife has quit 5 jobs over the years to allow me to make my job changes. 5 years ago, I quit a HIGH-paying job to give her a chance to start a company in another city, a rare opportunity she has succeeded at marvelously. I knew she would. I delivered pizzas for 18 months until I got my current replacement corporate job. See? SACRIFICIAL decisions for the benefit of the one you love.

She has to feel the same way about all of this, too. Your "crossroads" really is here. It's time to stop cutting bait and start fishing. 3 years is plenty of time. This isn't about love. BOTH of you need to ask yourselves the question now - love feelings aside, "is this the one?" You both have to answer and unqualified yes.

The answer is usually "no"... and it's hard to hear/admit if that's the case. You ignore that truth at your own peril. The mistakes that ensue chasing love when life has said "no" are endless.

But it's up to you. Ask the questions. If the answer is YES, then get married. The geography issue will be the next of many sacrificial decisions you will make FOR each other..

Move half way.

This is where the willingness to work together comes in, as you must work together to solve this issue. You can compromise, cut a deal, or whatever way you negotiate.

She sounds so dead set against it, its you who must decide which way to go.

Just my opinion, her unwillingness to even consider a distance relationship is understandable. Moving from her comfort zone is also.

Keep talking, maybe she has some ideas, but where a couple lives is a key part of the relationship, and you must decide how important this relocation is to you.

I actually have a quick question, as I have noticed that most of you have posted on both her and my questions (she posted after I did, Google is crazy sometimes). What motivates everyone here to give advice? Why are you here? I am just wondering, because, the answers that were given were pretty much the same for both of us - "There is no love, you should know what's important" (paraphrasing), etc. I just am curious at the background on why the frequent posters came here in the first place, it could help me analyze some of the advice.

I'm a big fan of sacrificial love... not needing to be the winner when dealing with my loved one. That's a driving, mortar position for us. My wife is not as automatic in this area, but each year that I practice this concept she becomes more and more a proponent herself.

I want to clarify what I said to you both, I said "stop talking about love"... I didn't say "there is no love." This is so critical. Love is not the issue. Behavior, acceptance, lovingNESS is the issue you two are going through.

That's why I called it a crossroads. After 3 years, you two should have these behaviors figured out. You really should. You should know where you're relationship is heading.

If it's actually still growing stronger and stronger more than anything else, then you go with that and you add your sacrifices to keep the experiment alive. You do it. Your sacrifices are the mortar that turns love into true love.

But the crossroads DOES include the other path, the path of moving on and starting anew. I am constantly reminding people in the relationships forum that the other path is a legitimate path. If they don't actually consider the other path as legitimate, they put up with some pretty stupid situations.

Do I think yours is a stupid situation? Not in the least. But by forcing you two to look long and hard at the OTHER path for a few minutes, HARD, it sounds like you both may have "snapped out of it" a bit in regard to the path you want to take, the path of keeping the experiment alive and being more selfless.

Am I right? Is this what you two are doing? It's great (while dating) to stay aware of the truths and be able to sort out the insecurities and selfishnesses properly. They'll always be there, but time makes them less our master.

So, to answer your last question, I come on to this forum to get people to calm down, look at their situations more pragmatically, step back and ask the honest questions about compatibility and focus, and not live/die on the "love" issue alone. That's it. My goal is to help people commit to what they know to be TRUE, not just what they feel.

Most of the time that means we're talking to people about moving on, getting over, learning, getting quicker to the next thing... but not always, as is the case with you. Sometimes that same TYPE of advice helps people in a better situation actually choose to stay and do the work, a little more accepting of each other in the process.

Win-win.

I, too, think the halfway point is a good idea--but the halfway point for the COMMUTE for both of you, not the halfway point distance-wise.

Look at the big picture, too--is it worth moving to a bigger city if the cost of living will be higher overall? Factor in rent/mortgage, utilities, gas for communting, and quality time with each other and other people.

I gave up several jobs over the last 12 years to follow my husband as he pursued his career. Of course, I didn't absolutely LOVE any of those jobs, either--and now that I DO have a job I love, my husband is willing to make sacrifices with HIS job for me.

If you don't live together currently, you moving while she stays might be an okay thing too. She would then get a chance to stay with you occasionally, to see what living there is like, and you could still easily visit her and spend time with her.

As far as the "long distance" thing not working--well, 1 hour is hardly long distance. In a larger city, an hour is across town! I believe that you guys do love each other--and if you TRUST each other too, then a short term 1 hour away relationship shouldn't be a problem for either of you.

As far as why I answer questions: I answer because sometimes I've been in the situation and can share what worked for me, or sometimes I've been in a situation and I can share what didn't work--sometimes it's just someone I know, and sometimes it's just showing people the objective side of the problem they're looking at. Sometimes when you're the one with the problem, you can't see the forest for the trees, you know? Basically, people here have helped me, and this is my way of giving back.

Hey all,
My girlfriend (I guess ex) ended it with me - here's the story.

She texted me when I was playing darts in my league last night twice and I didn't see it until I got home. She said that she was miserable with her life and it was making me miserable and she was sick of it. I called her upon arriving home and she said she was done. Well, I hung up, thought about it, called her back and cried and begged, but she said she needed to find herself, was too dependent on me and that she needed to learn to live on her own. But she still wants to exchange Xmas gifts on the 24th and she said she still loves me. Should I do NC until then? She always asked how I knew she was "the one" and always questions everything (Psych bachelor's degree).

I already miss the hell out of her, she's my best friend. She works a night shift and was miserable with it and she really only hung out with two people, her cousin and a good friend.

I am really going crazy here and need some advice. I do love her and still feel that she is "the one", but I don't want to go crazy from thinking about this.

I would go NC if I were you. If you guys still exchange gifts, it would appear to me as if feelings are still around for the both of you. Start reading the stickies on this forum for advice on how to handle your situation. Four years is a long time, I know how you feel, but everything ends at some point in time. Is this the end for you two, who knows?? But, for your own sanity don't contact her over and over again, as that will not help at all. If she wants to 'find herself' then let her do that without your interference.

She wants to break up with you but still get gifts at X mass? HELL NO!

Go no contact and leave her alone

let her find herself or whatever!

and you my friend use this time to better yourself :)

4 years is a long time to be in a relationship. She may have been thinking about her life (feeling too dependent on you, etc.) and there was a "straw that broke the camel's back" which occurred very recently. It's probable that this 'straw' had really nothing to do with you, and that she just flipped out. I've done this as well in a past relationship, mostly because I was unhappy with my career, self-esteem, etc. Or she may have been suffering silently inside for a long time. Thinking back, did she ever try to reach out to you, to talk? (communicate more, or better?)... If so, those were likely points of time where she was trying to let you know and work through it. If she has a psychology background, I believe she'd be able to get around to talking about this with you, and not just disappear via a text. I think she needs your attention, a positive understanding kind. I'm just guessing on that. In the meantime, try not to go crazy overanalyzing and worrying. She should at least give you more than just a text message, that's lame on her part. Just let the dust settle and relax your head and spirit. If she said she wants to still exchange gifts on Dec 24, hopefully she has the guts to communicate with you about your relationship between now and then. A solid relationship is more important that gift exchanging, and we all know that. I hope you get what you want in a good way.

Just to clarify, she didn't break it off through texting, she did the "we need to talk" line through texting.

I was thrown off by what you wrote "I called her upon arriving home and she said she was done." I interpreted that as she is saying she is done with the relationship? Or she could be done with a lot of things. Again, 4 years is a really long time and you should both be talking soon. Take it easy, I wish you the best.

She said she wanted a break to find herself and we all know a break is an easy way to break up

A break to find one's self does not always mean to break it off with someone indefinitely. I don't know the in's and out's of your relationship, but if she said that she needs to get away to get some perspective (this is what it sounds like). If I said this to my partner, I'd be at my wit's end and feel like I just needed to break away from everything to reassess my life, etc. It's better that someone do this and know what they want, instead of "going through the motions". I'm not saying that's what she's doing, but she may just be totally stressed out to the point of depression or burn-out. I'd send her a card or flowers (something low-key like lilies) and a note to let her know you love her and are there for her. Short and sweet. Don't beg etc. because you are not in the wrong, nor is she. Just give both of yourselves some space and yes, NC. Make her wonder a bit, but if she calls, just pick up the phone. :-)

I don't know, but the last time it happened to me, the relationship was over. And I think it's unfair for anyone, specially after 4 years, to request a break to find herself. Because it suddenly becomes too asymmetric. While she is trying to find herself you will be stuck in the uncertainty of not knowing if she'll ever be back.

If she's asking for a break, I think it's better to tell her you'd rather break up. I know you love her but if you break up clean, there's a chance that she might come back and you'll be able to restart. But if you hold on to her right now, you'll suffer too much and it'll hurt, and it'll be harder for you to forgive her. Trust me, I am facing that problem right now.

I am not saying to cut her off completely. But just tell her it's over and start thinking of moving on with your life while she looks for herself. Don't sit and wait for her move, it'll only make it worse.

ImTotallyLost, I agree with you. Your answer is looking at the question from a "big picture" perspective. I'm actually thinking about his girlfriend and what must be going on with her to do this. I know in my past relationship, I had enough and wanted a 100% clean break from my ex. I was direct about it, and he was wanting "the let's be friends" bit. I said no, that's too hard and weird for me, especially after so much history b/t us. A person's heart (and life) is not a revolving door, for somebody to just walk in and out of when they please. When you make that clear to the other person, they know their boundary and that you demand respect. They can either take it or leave it.

A break is a break-up! If she needs time to think, give it to her by Not Contacting her. Don't beg and don't cry for her to come back! It is time like this where you need to respect the request, be a man, and move forward in life.

Don't be a wimp by begging and pleading. It won't work and it will make you look weak. You need to be strong!

If she needs time to find herself... fine! Don't wait around for her to figure herself out because in the end you will end up in more pain.

You need time to find the person you were before this relationship... which means taking time for yourself.

There is no use wasting time and energy trying to changes someone feelings. It never works and it will never happen. Take this time to work on yourself and rediscover who YOU are. Don't worry about her... she will be fine.

I know your pain. We all have been through this at one time! You're in good company here.

Recognize this now - you were together for 4 years. It is unlikely that you will get back together. Accept this and the fact that you will not be ready for another relationship (honestly) for about 6-8 months IF you start no contact and accepting the finality now.

The reasons she gave you are classic FINAL lines. There isn't much ambiguity there, and you already tried to keep her.

Give her what she has asked for, and live your life without her, one day at a time. No reason for you both to be miserable and confused. Let her deal with her issues without you. Plan for your own holiday, and be busy, and unavailable.

Talaniman rule - Never hold your breath waiting for someone to come back after a break!

I know it will be difficult, given the time of the year, but adjust your plans to not include her, and keep your head up. Staying busy around family and friends helps.

Merged and edited

I wanted to update this - So -
The ex and I got back together shortly before Xmas. She called and asked if I would come over after work and I did, and she explained that she wanted to try to work on us. Which we did for about two months, until a couple of weeks ago.

I was at her place and I had asked her if she was going to sign another year lease, and if she did, where did that leave us in a year. Would we be living together, what would happen. She explained that she did not know if I was "the one" and she was talking to a guy on myspace and thought he was her soulmate. Remember, I am 28, she is 25 and this guy is in his 30s. I decided I was too old for that kind of BS and left. And I was fine with it.

Until about a week later, she called and asked me to come over, she was having one of her chronic panic attacks and if I would sit with her to help her through it. She asked me to stay, I told her no, but one thing led to another and I slept with her. She asked me to stay again, and I said no, gathered some stuff I left there and sat with her for about 3 hours talking. Now, I know that she has stuff she needs to work through, as do I. Separately. I just can't get that last conversation and the feelings that were there out of my mind. I don't want to be with her, I keep telling myself that, but what am I supposed to do? I just wish I could fast forward time... I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want her back, but I don't want her with anyone else. I am being a pretty big a-hole by admitting that, but it's the truth. I want her to be happy, but I wanted her to be happy with me. She has told me I am the best guy in the world, that I have a huge heart and made her nothing but happy, but I didn't understand parts of her and she didn't understand parts of me. I want her to regret leaving me someday, I want her to regret all of this. Sorry, wanted to get that off my chest. What should I do to get over this girl?

I think we would all like are EX to regret ever breaking up with us! But seriously sleeping with an EX is a big NO NO. this only create confusion and more feelings, in the long run its not worth it.

So she thinks she has found her soulmate on myspace, good for her,bad for you. But life goes on, and out there is your "soul mate"

We all say this TIME is a healer. At times it feels like we are never going to get over this, but if other can, then so can you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by coyne740

Sorry, wanted to get that off of my chest. What should I do to get over this girl?

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Well, for starters:

1. Quit having sex with her
2. Quit going over to her place to "comfort" her
3. Quit making yourself available for her

You are doing everything in your power to NOT get over her, so reverse your current bahavior, and move forward.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Well, for starters:

1. Quit having sex with her
2. Quit going over to her place to "comfort" her
3. Quit making yourself available for her

You are doing everything in your power to NOT get over her, so reverse your current bahavior, and move forward.

---

1. Not going to happen again
2. I am not going to do that either
3. I have initiated NC again - but it's hard not to talk to someone who was your best friend for 4 years. Other girls I have dated, I really didn't like talking to them, but she was different and really stimulated me intellectually... that's hard as well. The sex on Sunday wasn't the best part of that night - what I liked was that for the first time since I can remember, I wanted to really open up to her, not even like I had when we were together. Anyway, I want to move on, move up and get on with my life, and I have always taken break-ups hard, harder than most, but this time, it feels like a piece of me has gone out the door...

I can understand why you said that. You still have feelings for her although she hurts you in some ways. I believe deep down in your heart you know the answer whether you should be with her or not. That's OK by saying you want her to regret leaving you etc. But, don't think that way just believe that she has already experience a loss. That's enough. Whether she regret or not, it does not matter. What matter now is how you heal yourself. First of all, don't ever contact her ever again or if she ever contact you, please talk briefly, don't go back to that hole. Go out, make yourself busy. I know it's hard not to initiate contact, but find some other friend that you feel comfortable talking to. As the time passed by, you'll get used to it and you'll be fine.

Just wanted to post a quick reply - 2 days of NC and I am actually feeling pretty good. I think that I really need to work on myself to have a relationship with someone, and realized that life is too good right now, even without her in it. Does it hurt? Hell yes! But am I going to let that hurt control my future decisions? Nope. Will there be times when I am weak and want to call her? Yup, but I will not.

Positive thinking I like it. Keep it up! :) but be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions, it always goes down before it goes up! Keep strong!

Well, she called me on Saturday - and we talked for about an hour... I did NC from Wednesday to Friday, have gone out with friends, was on a business trip (I hate flying), and Friday night, I was out, talking and flirting, which helped, but she was texting me all night, which I did not answer. Then on Saturday morning, she texted me at 5 AM and told me she loved me and wanted me to know that in case something happened to her.

I love her a lot and know that she has her own stuff to figure out, but I tried to call her back that day and she did not answer, so I took a nap and saw she called me about 3 times. I should not have talked to her, but it seemed as if she needed someone and I know that she really depended on me, so I called her back.

Big mistake, even talking with her was hard, she talked about the Myspace guy, and another guy she hung out with. I am done with all of this, I am just so emotionally drained and I need to stay away from her.

We have all fallen off the horse... just get back on, and keep moving forward. No worries, it is understandable, and, truthfully, it is expected...

Just get back on the NC wagon and start over. All of us have had set backs.

Just remember how talking to her this time has made you feel, so next time she calls you will know what to do... not answer.

It made me feel good when I was talking to her, but afterwards, I felt really bad. When I talked to her, I just told her what I was doing and she told me what she was. I came to the realization that we were doomed from the beginning because she never knew that she was good enough for me (constantly saying, You're too good for me, etc.). She's got some major baggage that I am starting to see now, but, I am starting to realize that she needs to deal with it, and I need to deal with mine.

That's exactly what you need to do. Let her deal with her crap and you deal with your's. Walk away and stay on your own for a bit. Sort out your business and enjoy this time and freedom.

Good Luck!

Today has been tough. I know she had a Dr. appointment, but don't know the outcome, and that was a big fight we had, that she never dealt with her health issues. Also, Heroes is on, that was our show to watch, and it's just really hard today. I have a therapist's appointment at 3, so hopefully that helps a bit...

I am probably not going to be posting on here for a little while. I know she reads this from time to time and knows my username. But for an update, I am feeling better, no calls still - yeah! I do want to know what is up with her, and am wondering where we went wrong, but I realize that sometimes things just happen.

I recently went through a breakup as well and it has been very hard for me. But through all of it what I learned is that if you truly love someone... Then in that love, let go. Because you love them, let them go so that they can pursue happiness. Ultimately, I would think that is what you would want.

We can't help nor control what others want. If they don't want us, then don't force it. If they really do, then they may come back. Don't count on it though because that hopeful energy needs to be focused back on yourself.

So, I did really well on the NC until last Wednesday, when I called her to ask her to change her passwords on her email. I was too tempted to look at them. We talked, and I was fine, but Thursday morning, she had a panic attack and called for me to help her. So I did. I told her Thursday night to go back to ignoring me, to let me live, because I couldn't take talking to her, especially about how she felt about this new guy.

Well, Friday, she texted me and asked me to check on her at 9 PM, because she was panicking again. So, being the lapdog that I am, I did and I was fine, until I she started talking about the new guy again. I told her to ignore me and I was going to ignore her.

Saturday morning I was good, she even texted me saying that she was afraid of losing me but it wasn't enough to go back to me. I was out on a "date" I guess you could say, it was St. Patty's day and we were celebrating all day. I ignored her text and later that day texted her back asking what she meant by it. She responded nothing, she was just lonely when she wrote it and scared.

Last night I called her to talk and asked if she had met this new guy in person yet. She said no, he was still in a relationship, and she had no intentions of meeting him while he was with his girlfriend. I said that she should meet him, it would help give me closure knowing that the guy was what she wanted. Big reveal, she met him Saturday night. He is what she wants but hasn't left his relationship yet. He doesn't know when he is going to, but she is going to wait for him to do it, because they are "meant to be" and she wants to see what is there. I again told her not to answer my calls, I will try to call, I have no self control.

I have a therapist, I have friends, I have been going out. I need to get the compulsion to speak with her out of my system. It only hurts when I do it, so why do I keep doing it? Am I some sadomasochist?