I am like stuck in this confusion for long time now and still have not been able to find a solution.
I met this guy around 5 years back during my graduation, we started talking without a reason and became best of friends over years. He always used to act authoritative and protective against other guys, and always told me that I was very special for him. However, he also used to say that work was all he wanted to concentrate on instead of being in a relationship. Gradually I realized that I had developed feelings for him and told him like 6 months back. He denied me, and told me that career was all he would want to concentrate on in his life and he does not see a future with me. After this I started avoiding him so as to get over him, but he did not allow me do that. He wanted the same rights and special treatment as he had before. Many times would act ignorant, so busy with his work that he would have no time to talk to me but then would start taking extra care when he would see me go away. In fact after all this happened, he became really jealous about 1 of my friend, and started inquiring about him from the rest of my friends. He has supported me a lot but lacks commitment and tells me he does not feel for me. Now, I am stuck at a place where I do not know which way to go. This guy would say I am his special friend but will not commit, will not even let me go off.
I cannot interpret his behavior, because his words do not match his actions. I do not know whether I should stay with him the same way I used to, ignore all he has done and leave it to future to decide, or just stop talking to him. Please help me.

OK here is what you do

You sit the guy down. And says this

( Ok Boy listen up... Why don't you go back to your job, and let me live my life. You know how I feel. And yet you keep on talking to me. And pushing me.
Then you even get jelouse! When you have no right to be. As we are only friends and that is it.

So I want to distance myself from you. So I can heal. We can't be special friends because you get more out of it than I do.

I don't have time for these games. And you. As you said at the start. Have no time for anything.
So why don't we both work on ourselves and leave each other alone.


And that's what you say.
This guy seems controlling. And every time you seem to go away. He pulls you in
Then when he has you. He does not care for you

This is moronic. And you should be with a better person

Regards

Tell him to mind his own business, and you have a life to live.

Your stuck because you don't stand up for yourself, and are allowing him to control everything.

That needs to stop, and you need your own life, without him in it.

Has he committed any money into your friendship?

Any other types of things where he would feel like he 'deserved' or wanted 'special consideration' for giving something to you?

Anything at all?(a guy seeing strings attached without saying this)

U should rent the movie, Holiday!

I agree with the other's comments, no guy can control you without you allowing it to be so.

But our emotions get in the way and that is hard to do.

Do something drastic with your life--to get away from the routine of him.

Like go visit a friend/family across the country. Don't tell him.

Or join a massive dating service/put out a personal add... or.. get a makeover!

Do something that you have always wanted to do but for some reason you didn't. (like learn a new language or go to paris or learn the piano)
Whatever it takes to take your mind off him...

U don't need to tell him or explain anything to him, just do your thing as if he does not exist.

He will get the message... the busier you are the less time you will have for him or to think about him.

Yeah, I agree with what you said, n guess you also understand how emotions interfere when you try to avoid sum1 so special.. The problem is that I care for him so much that can do anythng for his happiness, I know I am a fool and am paying for the same...
Leaving my city was sumthng even I thought about , in fact I am taking up a job in some other city and he knows about it, but thinks I am moving out because of my career..
Anyhow, with the age of internet and mobile phones don't you think it is very difficult to escape from somebody like that? How do I deal with this..

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Originally Posted by dazzling

U should rent the movie, Holiday!

I agree with the other's comments, no guy can control u without u allowing it to be so.

But our emotions get in the way and that is hard to do.

Do something drastic with your life--to get away from the routine of him.

Like go visit a friend/family accross the country. don't tell him.

or join a massive dating service/put out a personal add...or..get a makeover!

do somthing that u have always wanted to do but for some reason u didn't. (like learn a new language or go to paris or learn the piano)
whatever it takes to take ur mind off him...

U don't need to tell him or explain anything to him, just do ur thing as if he does not exist.

He will get the message... the busier u are the less time u will have for him or to think about him.

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Sorry, I could not really get your answer, rather the questions that uve asked.. could you please elaborate on it a bit..

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Originally Posted by KBC

Has he committed any money into your friendship?

Any other types of things where he would feel like he 'deserved' or wanted 'special consideration' for giving something to you?

Anything at all?(a guy seeing strings attached without saying this)

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Luv123

Yeah,, i agree with wat u said,, n guess u also understand how emotions interfere when u try to avoid sum1 so special.. The problem is that i care for him so much that can do anythng for his happiness,, i know i am a fool and am paying for the same...
Leaving my city was sumthng even i thought about , in fact i am taking up a job in some other city and he knows about it,, but thinks i am moving out because of my career..
Anyhow, with the age of internet and mobile phones dont you think it is very difficult to escape from somebody like that? how do i deal with this..

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Why do you care about him so much, when he does not seem to care about u? You seem like a wonderful person, it is very cruel to say to someone like you that he has no feellings for u. He can't be with u. His work is more important. You deserve better than this.

And the going away think is not to escape him, it is for you to distance urslelf from him.

Here's the difference, escaping is when you are somewhere but you are still thinking about him
Distancing yourself is doing something so amazing, or dating someone so amazing the thought of him does not even occur to u.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

Has he committed any money into your friendship?

Any other types of things where he would feel like he 'deserved' or wanted 'special consideration' for giving something to you?

Anything at all?(a guy seeing strings attached without saying this)

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OK,Has he bought you anything?

Spent his hard earned money for your benefit?

Has he ever given you anything?Perhaps something which makes him feel possessive?

Hmmm, guess I got your point now. I think I will have to change myself a lot, it will require a lot of effort though but I ought to go for it. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by dazzling

why do u care about him so much, when he does not seem to care about u? U seem like a wonderful person, it is very cruel to say to someone like u that he has no feellings for u. He can't be with u. His work is more important. U deserve better than this.

And the going away think is not to escape him, it is for u to distance urslelf from him.

Here's the difference, escaping is when u are somewhere but u are still thinking about him
Distancing urself is doing something so amazing, or dating someone so amazing the thought of him does not even occur to u.

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Not really, as far as I can remember he has never bought me any gifts or anything like that.
He just once did something very special for me, which was like a big shock for me too. I am staying out of my home town(around 1500km away) since two years. So, he gave me a big surprise on my birthday and planned it my friends here whom he did not even know. However, it was not that he came specially for me, he had some office work in this city where I stay 2 days before my birthday and extended his tour for me.
What would you conclude from this?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

OK,Has he bought you anything?

Spent his hard earned money for your benefit?

Has he ever given you anything?Perhaps something which makes him feel possessive?

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Luv123

Not really, as far as i can remember he has never bought me any gifts or anything like that.
He just once did something very special for me, which was like a big shock for me too. I am staying out of my home town(around 1500km away) since two years. So, he gave me a big surprise on my birthday and planned it my friends here whom he did not even know. However, it was not that he came specially for me, he had some office work in this city where i stay 2 days before my birthday and extended his tour for me.
What would you conclude from this?

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A surprise birthday party huh?

What?

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Originally Posted by KBC

A surprise birthday party huh?

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Luv123

He just once did something very special for me, which was like a big shock for me too.... [/B]So, he gave me a big surprise on my birthday and planned it my friends here whom he did not even know.[/B]
What would you conclude from this?

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A surprise birthday party?

Yeah, so what's with that?

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Originally Posted by KBC

A surprise birthday party?

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Does he know where you are moving?

If you are moving, you could change your number (phone) and you can probably ask your phone company for an unlisted number so that he can't call you... you should also tell your friends that they shouldn't give him your number. Besides it is harder for someone to bother you if they don't live in the same city.

You should really get away from him. He sounds like a very unhealthy person to be around! And he doesn't seem to care about you! Only the attention you give him.

A surprise birthday party is when someone plans a party for you that you don't know anything about. Which is a nice gesture. (hehe if you like secrets though)

Yes he knows where I will be moving because it is this new job that I am taking up.
But do you think not giving him my no. and telling all my friends not to let him contact me would be correct on my part? This is because we have always been friends, in fact have a group of common friends and none of them know about all this because we generally don't drag our fights in public. I am just confused whether I would be betraying him as a friend by doing all this.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

does he know where you are moving?

if you are moving, you could change your number (phone) and you can probably ask your phone company for an unlisted number so that he can't call you.... you should also tell your friends that they shouldn't give him your number. besides it is harder for someone to bother you if they don't live in the same city.

you should really get away from him. he sounds like a very unhealthy person to be around! and he doesn't seem to care about you! only the attention you give him.

a surprise birthday party is when someone plans a party for you that you don't know anything about. which is a nice gesture. (hehe if you like secrets though)

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Well there is no guarantee that he won't wind you, but would he bother? I mean if you move and change you no... will he 'come' after you?

Maybe u should have a talk with him first about him letting go of you?

And NO you are NOT betraying him. Your responsibility is towards YOU! He is not being nice, he doesn't want you and it is HIM who is BETRAYING you by notgiving you your space!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

Has he committed any money into your friendship?

Any other types of things where he would feel like he 'deserved' or wanted 'special consideration' for giving something to you?

Anything at all?

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Your answer was:

Not really,but he surprised you on your birthday.When this birthday surprise happened,did he give you any gifts?

If he did,my point was/is,does he see strings attached?Does he think there should be some consideration for giving you a gift,making him someone special in your life?Is he possessive over you like a sister or a girlfriend?

OK, so here it goes,, he came to some other city to give me a surprise at 00.00 hrs... he could manage to buy only some gifts, could not manage others because there was some tension(kinda riots) in this city at that moment, n cribbed about it the whole day, this is what I got to know indirectly from his friend... Besides he showed in front of my friends here as if he owned me, owned as in terms of possessiveness.
If he would take me as a sister he would not have over-reacted by me going out with a guy at this place(he still does not like him, although he has never met him).. all his friends, old & new know me.. Also, he has been proud and happy about the fact that he is special, and reminds it time and again.
Now you tell are these signals that he takes me as a sister, friend or more than that (in his mind, his words kept aside)?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

Your answer was:

Not really,but he surprised you on your birthday.When this birthday surprise happened,did he give you any gifts?

If he did,my point was/is,does he see strings attached?Does he think there should be some consideration for giving you a gift,making him someone special in your life?Is he possessive over you like a sister or a girlfriend?

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Luv123

and none of them know about all this because we generally dont drag our fights in public.

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I don't see where this fight started.

Is it from you asking him to be more than a friend?After the birthday party?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Luv123

... he could manage to buy only some gifts ,,

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So he has bought you some things,he went out of his way to surprise you on your birthday.

How do you see this as a 1 sided relationship?

He did something out of the ordinary for your benefit,and you say he isn't interested?

Not exactly a fight... N did not force him to take me more than a friend or something, I don't do it with anyone because anyone needs his own space

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

I don't see where this fight started.

Is it from you asking him to be more than a friend?After the birthday party?

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This is what it is all about, he says he takes me as his special friend, and when I told him few months back about how I feel for him, he just said he does not want to be in any kind of relationship with anyone and concentrate just on his career.
It is all twisted and complicated which makes it all the more difficult to handle.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KBC

So he has bought you some things,he went out of his way to surprise you on your birthday.

How do you see this as a 1 sided relationship?

He did something out of the ordinary for your benefit,and you say he isn't interested?

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I am hoping with the more that we communicate,someone will add to this topic.Others thoughts might help clear up a few things.

Sorry if I'm missing something. I really don't feel like this is complicated at all. You guys are close friends, you felt something for him, he doesn't feel the same way about you. Therefore, you stop seeing him that way doing whatever you need to to do so. Maybe he likes that you have those feelings for him and doesn't want you to see someone else like that(some people are really like this, even if they don't reciprocate feelings). I'd just ignore him and go on about your life. Whether you stay friends with him is up to you. Depends on whether you can handle being friends with him (and ridding yourself of your feelings) and if he can understand that friends doesn't mean anything more (tell him it shouldn't matter what guy you're interested in, its your business)

It just seems like you want a lot more from this than he does, and for whatever reason your investing more than he is emotionally. That's not balanced or fair, but you have to realize he has told you how he feels, but your hoping for more, and I know its frustrating when he doesn't give it to you.

At some point you have to back off, see reality, and balance your life with other things, and be open to other ways of being happy without him.

I suggest leaving him alone and being honest with him about your feelings and your need to move on with your life.

Its hard, and frustrating to be friends with someone when you want more from the friendship than they do.

Listen Luv 123,

I love that movie Holiday and made a difference in my life too and gald I could share it with u.

No one should treat you this way.

Not even a friend should tell you that they have not time for u.

That's the point of friends they make time for u, they want you to be happy for u, & build you up.

If he has no time for u, romantically, then he should be happy that you find someone else. But he keeps standing in the way of your happiness.

U don't need a friend like that much less a boyfriend.

I wish you all the best. I am always here to chat. Good luck!

Yeah, can actually relate myself to Iris in the movie, I think every time I would get carried away , the movie would help me come back on track!

I know I deserve some one much more sensitive and caring than him, don't want to waste myself on him anymore. I just wish that I would get courage to make myself tough enough to implement this and not go to the same old path again where I always kill myself respect..
Would just say all gals are 'emotional fools'