Hi everyone, I have been reading the articles here for awhile now.

Here is a little background info

My ex girlfriend and I have been living together for about 5 years and just broke up 2 days ago. Our relationship has been very rocky for awhile and we tried to rescue it including seeking therapy. Nothing seems to have worked and we both believe that it is in our best interest to end things and hopefully be friends. I love her very much and would continue to try and work on things but it appears that we are just incompatible in this regard. I am very sad as can be expected but understand that this is what needs to happen.

All of my friends are my ex's friends as well, and she has known them all longer then I have. We both agree that we do not want our friends to feel awkward regarding this and have told them that we are friends and would like for things to be treated somewhat the same and to let us sort out the details. I feel that I am not only losing a girlfriend but my social circle as well. As there as already been a Christmas get together invite given out to people which she has been invited and I have not.

I guess I am just rambling as I do not have anyone to talk to about this and am looking for any advice and kind words folks might have.

Thanks in advance

It seems like you are pretty level headed about this. Sometimes, things just don't work out. First thing is to learn to accept that, which it seems you have. I can tell you it doesn't make things any easier by living together, or remaining friends with her. That is going to be EXTREMELY hard, if not impossible to do if you want to be able to move on with your life. I feel for you and know it hurts. Good luck to you!

I understand what you are going through man. We grew up in the same social circle and now I find myself excluded from parties organised by people that Ive known more than 10 years. Its ed up and it really hurts but I decided to open my social circle and make new friends. I hang out a lot with new friends and have a great time. I know that someday when things calm down I might be able to hang out with my old friends but for now its impossible. See in my case she is the one that cheated and left me for someone else but she hasn't told this to anyone, she has even spread rumours about me to people I know. I have decided to stay away from it all. So I suggest you get out there and meet new people, you never know what's waiting for you around the corner.

No contact is the only thing you can do right now. I had a 6 year relationship end a little while ago and it can be very hard to see clearly for a while. This is a good time to get things done in your life that you put off or neglected. Try to avoid your ex at all costs. This isn't being mean to them... its being good to you.

Good luck!

Thanks for the kind words

My head seems so messed up right now. At times I feel good about the situation and know it's the right thing at other times I burst into tears. I suppose it does not help that we are still living together and I am trying to get my things packed up to leave but it seems I am so overloaded with work that I am finding it very difficult to find the time.

I know I should do the no contact and avoid her but she is one of the nicest people I have met in my life and I don't want to give up having that in my life.

I am so confused on how I should feel. I am just a mess I guess

Be patient with yourself, as it will take time, but your work is cut out for you, as you have to rebuild a life that you enjoy without her. See this as an oppurtunity, to get better. It will!

I spoke to her the other day regarding no contact for awhile so that we both will have time to heal and move forward. She wants to still remain in contact and for me to come over and visit the pets from time to time. She is worried that if we do the no contact thing that time will pass and it will become awkward for us to be friends. She appears very sad at the mention of us not communicating anymore and drifting completely out of each others life. But she is willing to do whatever I think is best in regards to this.

I am really torn because I know I have to go no contact to be able to move on but don't want to lose her out of my life completely either.

Any suggestions or advice on how to obtain the friendship and move forward as well?

Friendship can come later on down the road. Right now, it just isn't an option. Do what is best for you, and for now that means absolutely NO CONTACT. If she can't handle it, then that is her problem.

Update:

So I will be moving out tomorrow. Deep down a part of me wishes that she would ask me not to leave. Which I know with out a doubt will not happen. I am not really sure what my final words to her should be or what type of emotion I should show. When I walk out the door for the last time should I hug her and tell her goodbye and leave it at that ? Should I hold back any tears that might want to surface ? To me I believe this to be our final interaction between each other on the other hand I feel as if she may think that we will be in contact. I don't really know how to leave the situation as I would like to be friends down the road with her when I have healed and truly moved on.

Just give her a friendly hug and be first class with everything. DO NOT show emotions to her. Now isn't the time. Walk out like a gentlemen. You want this to be special. You don't want her lasting memory of you to be someone crying his eyes out.

Hey there.

Ohhh it is hard isn't it. Even more so after 5 years. As no matter how much we try. Our lives become a part of there's. And all our friends intertwine..

Sad fact. But you sound like you have a very level head. And so does she.

You just have to focus on yourself and get things that are important for you.

I wish you all the best

Update:

So I have moved out now.

Before I gave her the keys and left we had a discussion about why we were not able to work through our issues. Anyway this discussion led to us discussing being friends, and no contact. I showed no emotion except for kindness and understanding, she broke down crying when I said that I have mixed emotions regarding friendship at the moment, but let her know that later down the road once we have both moved on I would like to be friends. I don't know why and can't understand why but she told me that she plans on being single for a long time and that if she is out with her friends and someone makes a pass she will be telling them she is not interested. Why would she tell me this ?

I think I may have made a mistake in this conversation because after she told me she would be single for awhile I mentioned that I think the break up is a mistake and that I would have been willing to continue working on things (I did not want to give up in the first place which she already knew, just it appears to be the right thing to do for her to be happy, and myself) So I did not want to close any doors and told her that after time passes if she would like to give it another shot I would not be opposed to the idea. Was this a mistake to say ? I made it clear to her that I would be moving on with my life and not waiting around for her. We continued to discuss friendship etc... and decided to leave it at "we will take it day by day".

So we had some dinner together which she prepared the night before for us. Talked like normal about everyday stuff. I gave her the keys, hugged and said goodbye.

Sorry for the long winded post?

What do you guys think OK conversation or did I leave myself open

Thanks

Since the conversation is over, your free to live your own life,

I think she told you about not dating others because she wants to make sure you don't. It's a little of a game and really not fair to tell you that. Trust me... if either of you go out and someone is interested in you... you're not going to pass it up. Don't worry about telling her that you think it's a mistake.. she probably already knows you think that... so let it go. Get back to No Contact and move on. If she inquires rather you've met anyone etc... tell her nothing and maintain NC. You sound like you handled it good.. but you also sound like you're still in the process of getting over it... so don't let yourself slip back and be tricked.

Good Luck!

So it has been about 3 days since I have moved and she phoned last night (I did not answer) she left a message saying "Hey it's me and I am just calling to say hi and see how you are doing. Um if you want to talk at all or whatever. If you want to give me a call I should be home all night tonight. Ok bye"

I feel like a jerk for not answering or returning her call. I guess deep down I hope we will get through this and get back together. Even though I am 95 percent sure that will never happen. I am pretty sure that was her attempt to keep the friendship line open. I daunt she will call again.

I find the mornings to be the worst. Anybody else feel that way?

Sorry for the long winded post of rambling but this is the only place I currently have to discuss this.

Thanks for reading!

Mornings and the night are the worst, usually because it is at that point we feel most alone and have too much time to think. Keep up the NC and be strong. You should have just deleted her messege, as all it did was make you think. Kind of hard to sleep when you listen to that and then your mind starts playing games with you.

Hi - Mornings are the worst,when you wake up and forget what happened then suddenly you remember and its like a kick in the teeth all over again. Your very vunerable at the moment and if you did get back together resentment would soon be felt on both sides. One morning you'll wake up and it won't hurt as much.

Quote:

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I feel like a jerk for not answering or returning her call.

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The reason you feel like a jerk is because you are a nice guy and somehow you feel that you are hurting her by not answering. The truth of the matter is that this is the best way of protecting yourself. She has made a decision and you are being first class by respecting that and you should be proud of that. She should be the one feeling bad for contacting you and not the other way around. Don't get fooled by her texts or messages or any other contact because I assure you that more of that will come. Ive had to deal with that kind of crap for almost 5 months now and to be honest it has reached the point where it doesn't hurt me anymore, it just annoys me.


The mornings and the evenings are usually the worst because it's the time of the day when you have time to think. Going to the gym or exercising at the end of the day will get you tired and help you sleep without having to sit and think about it much. This will fade away with time as long as you stay focused and maintain NC. It was a brave move to ignore her message, that many people would find hard to do. Now you just need to keep this up as hard as it may be. If you feel like contacting her just come here and vent and people will remind you why you should maintain NC.

Update:

So any way I had to contact my ex in regards to getting some items I forgot at the house. It was suppose to be a quick conversation but turned into an hour long conversation. She was asking questions as to why I did not phone her back etc.. Asking if I was trying to pick up a girl and seemed very mad. Until I asked her why it would matter if I was or not. She said she is very lonely coming home to an empty house and she has lots of things planned to do to keep herself busy or she sits at home and drinks. She also stated that she is very sad and having a hard time with this. I ended up making myself vulnerable by telling her that 95 percent of me knows we will never be together again but 5 percent has some kind of off hope. You see I had major trust issues and was trying to work through them but she was not able to get past the damage that I caused. I told her I would have done anything for her and that I was still willing to work things out before we broke but now I am moving on and for the most part doing all right. She asked about being friends and I told her that until I have healed friendship would be impossible for me. She broke down crying and got very short and cold anyway plenty of other things were talked about regarding this and I will be going over next Saturday to get my things. She told me to call her when I am ready to be friends. She is very upset at this and I feel terrable for making her feel this way. I know I did the wrong thing regarding making myself vulnerable. But did I do the right thing about being friends? I did not want to lead her on about it.

Thanks for reading and any comments on the above would be appreciated

Back to no cantact until next Saturday

Yes, you did the right thing. Quit thinking of her feelings right now, as hard as that may be. I know you care for her, but she isn't your responsibility anymore. You have an obligation to protect yourself and none towards her. Friendship isn't even a possibility right now, and you know that, so good for you. It may never be a possibility, in all honesty. Put yourself first, and by all means, you do not need to open yourself up to being vulnerable again. DO NOT express your feelings to her, it isn't the right time to do such a thing. If you talk to her, be calm, collected and quick, not rude, but to the point. Good luck!

Oh man NC is tuff. Going on 5 days now and all I feel like doing is calling her to find out how her weeks been and how she has been doing. I don't want to talk to her about getting back together just want to see how she is and what she has been up to, and how the pets are. I do have to speak to her on Thursday to arrange a time for me to get the rest of my stuff. Which I am not looking forward to.

Today has been tuff, and just needed to rant about it. I guess I am also fishing for anything someone might have to add to get me through.

Thanks for reading and any replys.

You just have to keep plugging away bud. I know it is hard, no doubt the hardest thing you will ever do (to this point). This time of year makes it especially hard. Just try and find other activities that make you happy and exhaust you from worrying about her. We are here for you, and I know how tough this is, trust me. Keep sticking to NC and know that it will get better. No one said it is easy, but it is worth it.

I would be looking at finding a few friends or family I haven't seen in a while, as that's what holidays are about, family and friends.

So I contacted her today by phone to schedule a time for me to get the rest of my things. I figured I would call her at work so that the conversation would not go any further then arranging a time. All went as planned. She asked me to get her a coffee before coming over which is fine. But it through me for a loop as she is speaking to me as if nothing has happened.

After speaking with her it felt like everything inside me collapsed. I know I will gradually get over this break up but my mind is so clouded and my emotions are all over the place. I am finding it hard to get motivated about anything.

Thank you for reading

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Deicyde

All went as planned. She asked me to get her a coffee before coming over which is fine.

Thank you for reading

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Do WHAT??

So... exactly what part of the plan involved you doing her any favors? Why would you do this for her? Do not let her take advantage of your emotional state... I wish my ex would ask me to do something like that for her... are you serious? Man up! She doesn't deserve anything from you, nor do you owe her anything. Now, you feel like crap, and she knows it.

The conversation was fine and I was about to hang up and she was like oh could you grab me a coffee. Like I said it through me for a loop and I asked her what because I could not believe she asked me that. Then she told me she would pay for it (not like it matters). I just wanted to get off the phone so I said fine. I don't know maybe I will just forget to get it. I don't really feel like doing anything for her. Anyway it seems so trivial at this point anyway.

Tell her when you get to the house and pick your things up that you took a wrong turn onto REALITY and completely forgot to pick her coffee up there. I know you feel bad man, I know. Keep venting and keep moving forward. It will get better. Don't let her make you weaker than you are. They have a keen way of doing that.

Ex's are like sharks... they can smell blood in the water, and will go for a feeding frenzy once they get there!

Grab a cup of coffee this is going to be a long one and I just need to get it out.

Well to start of now she hates me.

So I showed up to pick up my things, first thing she says oh no coffee. I responded with oops I forgot.

There is this social event tonight which both of us have been invited to, I originally told her I would not be going, but I decided I would like the option to go if I felt like it so I asked her if it would bother her and she said no.

Back to picking up my things one of the items I was to get was an old computer we used to share the agreement was that I would take it and look for anything that I might have on it then return it. She decided that she wanted to take her stuff off and me just take it, but she was unable to get it working to look at the files. So she wanted me to figure it out I told her I did not have time for that because I needed to go to work, then my parents, and meet up with an old friend. She asked who the old friend was I told her that it was not important. She said to bring my friend to the party. I told her I did not really want to. She immediately started saying one of my ex's names. I told her I did not have a date or a girlfriend. Anyway I am just meeting up with an old guy friend, but I didn't think it was any of her business who so I did not tell her.

After that she laid in bed as I looked around the house for anything else that might be mine. When I was done I told here that I would arrange a time with her to drop the computer off. All of sudden she told me I could not take it and if I wanted anything off it I had to do it there. I told her that was not right of her to do and was not fair. She said worried about being late for your date ? Then she said I don't know who you are anymore and don't trust you with my files on it. She said if I wanted my stuff my only option was to get the computer working there. Since that being my only option I said fine. While I figured out what was wrong with the computer she put a few things together for me that I had forgot along with two Christmas presents one from her parents and one from her. I told her I could not accept those as I did not feel right about it since after all we are is ex lovers, and I did not get them anything. She was very hurt by this and started crying. I just let her be and said nothing about it she told me I was rude and mean and not talking to her properly.

Back to the computer issue I did not have anything to transfer data with so we compromised and decided she would remove her files and I would take the computer. So as she was removing her files I was trying to make civil conversation talking about work, family etc. She was very cold and short.

I felt that I needed to tell her I was doing good with the break up and why so I let her know that with the time away from her I realized how unhappy I was and could not figure out why we held on for so long. (probably not the nicest thing to say but I was not really thinking about how it would effect her) bad move in saying this, but can’t do anything about it now.

She was finishing up with the computer I told her I would drop it off on the front step as I did not want to be back in here again. She seemed puzzled, and I said were not friends and it will probably be impossible for us to ever be friends. She snapped and started crying and said that she has never been hurt as much as I have hurt her during the relationship and she is struggling to get through that so we can be friends. Once again I said I don't see friends as being a possibility. She said I don't know you anymore and I don't think I like you just leave, and if you decide to go to the party tell me because I won’t be going then.

I told her that I never wanted or meant to hurt her and that I used to think the problem I had was a trust issue but I have realized it was that I did not have my own life to be happy with and relied only on her to make me happy, and I think that is where all my anger, jealousy etc.. Came from.

She said share that with your new girlfriend and why are you still here. So I as I grabbed the computer to leave she said she wants it back I said no prob. And told her I would see her around and left.

So that was that, I have no problem admitting that I struggled to be a good boyfriend and at times completely stunk at it. I have realized a lot about myself through this relationship and have learned a great deal and am changing for the better which I am happy to say. My only hope after coming out of this interaction was to have my head held high and not feel as if my world was collapsing. I came out feeling like a , and feel like I should call here and apologize (sigh)


If you made it all the way through that thanks I really just wanted to get it out, any comments are welcome but I do have a couple of questions?

Should I have taken the Christmas gifts?

I feel like knowing she hates me gives me the closure to this relationship that I needed to let go of any hope of it working out. Does that make sense and is it a healthy way to move on ?

Does anybody have any good book recommendations about improving ones self?

I am pretty sure I should not phone her and apologize because it will just make me feel like crap. Just looking for confirmation on this.

Yeah, going to pickup your stuff yourself was probably a mistake. Sending a friend would have been best.. or at least going with a friend to avoid any awkwardness. But what's done is done.

"I feel like knowing she hates me gives me the closure to this relationship that I needed to let go of any hope of it working out. Does that make sense and is it a healthy way to move on ?"

You're lying to yourself right now. This won't make any difference- in the days/weeks/months to come you're going to feel like a turd anyway you cut it. But that's normal.

Just do yourself a HUUUUUGE favor and don't contact her again. And next time you want to call her for some reason.. sit down and think about what you actually want to achieve by this call. The both of you are different at this stage. It's survival of the fittest right now... and let me tell you... women are seriously fit. So get back on your game and work on yourself because anything you do in your communications right now (sorry for being rude blah blah) will make you feel like sh!t and make her feel like a million bucks.

Wow dude

Maybe you can help me and much as I can help you. I am going through the same thing right now and yea 5 years. I don't have the choice of NC since we can't break the lease yet and neither of us can afford our apt by ourselves.

I don't know what to do now. How do I deal with her.

5 years later how do I find the single girls now? I would like to find someone else before she does but I doubt I'm that good looking.

Hey man. I just got out of a 5 year relationship too. About 3 weeks ago. I was wondering if you have a aim screen name or email so that maybe we can share our experiences? Reading what you're going through is really inspiring as it is somewhat similar of what I'm going through. Let me know.

Yobro, eguillen-Start your own threads and get some feedback.

Well it had been 17 days of NC.

I was speaking to a friend who said my ex had been giving him my mail. Which bothered me because she said she would mail it to my new address. So I guess I used it as an excuse to phone her as I was curious as to how she was etc... Conversation was all right she told me she just got back from Cuba, and that she was doing OK. Said she missed placed my new address so she was giving our mutual friend my mail. (Nobody told me) She said she would have contacted me but as I don't want to be friends she did not think she should. I told her that if you don't want me in your life as your mate then you can't have me in your life right now as a friend. I asked her if she hated me because of the way I felt about friendship at this point she said of course not but she thinks we would be able to work through whatever problems there would be and be friends. I said sorry for bothering her and she replied with call me anytime you want and did you only call regarding your mail which I answered yes and told her I would not contact her again and we said goodbye.

You know even though the conversation was 1/2 decent.

It was like a kick in the teeth all over again. I guess it made me realize that I still love this girl and would probably rather have her in my life as a friend then nothing at all. Which is tearing me up because if I kept the friendship aspect open I would just get ripped apart even more week by week. So I spent the next hour randomly crying about my situation /sigh I feel so pathetic.

Anyway back to no contact hopefully I can be stronger this time around and it will last

Thanks! For reading

Hey bud,

Sounds like an experience I just had. I have been NC for a little over a month now and I just saw my ex randomly the other day. We exchanged hello's and how are you's and that was that. When I got home, I immediately started crying. I was in a 5 year relationship as well and I know how hard it can be. Sometimes we just have to welcome the pain as it will make us stronger and help us grow as individuals. It's like Tyler Durden said in Fight Club, "Only after disaster can we be resurrected."

Hang in there man and you will see that it gets easier with time. Crying is a good thing, so let it out! And please do your best to not contact her. It is for your own sake. Sometimes we forget what its like to be alone, especially after 5 years. So learn to love yourself the way you are and in turn you will be happy being single finally, like you were before the relationship ever happened.

"It's funny how we think we'll never do better than the one we've got, until the next one comes along."

Be patient and responsible. Do the things you love to do or find something you would love to do. Put something else on a pedestal. For example, a goal such as learning an instrument. You sound like a great guy and trust me, there are many girls who would love to be with a gentleman like yourself, but only as long as you are happy with yourself. Good luck on your journey. I will be subscribing to this post.

So this all happened last year. I'm curious Deicyde what has happened since? I'm on the cusp of a 5 year relationship break up and would like to know how it all worked out for you.