I was just wondering if you could help me. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 14 month year old boy. I am 18 and he is 23. I know we met at a really young age and that is why I excuss so many of our problems. I love him but I have cheated on him more then 5 times(he doesn't know). I recently found out that he was talking with another girl... and I know he wanted to have sex with her. He said they only met once and they have only talked on the phone ever since... I told him to stp talking to her, he said he did, 2 months later I she called and he admitted to talking with her again and nothing else. I forgave him cause I know I have done worse but at the same time I know I am a changed women... but I just can't feel OK around him anymore... we are trying to put this behind us but I just can't get over it. I don't trust him anymore but I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him... What should I do?

The reason you fill that you can't trust him is because you have cheated.
You have to sit down and talk to him about your concerns and come clean with him.
Maybe he has cheated on you.
You can not make a relationship work unless both people who are involved are honest with each other.

People can forgive But people don't forget.
You have a lot of bad history between you.
It's a shame you a child involved as it would be easier for you two to get out of.
Honesty is the key to a relationship.

You are both holding back a lot of stuff between you that's probably going to explode quite soon.

My old saying rings true once again... Once a cheater, always a cheater.

These people have that cheating gene that some how THEY JUSTIFY IT'S OK TO CHEAT.

I feel sad for them because something isn't right in their make up. Too bad for them.

I think you need to work on yourself. Your 18 and already cheated 5 times on him?? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - that's awful.

PLUS - you have a kid?? With him.

What a mess.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I think you need to work on yourself. Your 18 and already cheated 5 times on him?????????? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - that's awful.

PLUS - you have a kid????? with him.

What a mess.

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Have to spread some love round, you are so straight forward, no betting round the bush.. I love it :)

I asked for advice not your criticism. Don't post here if you have no advice or you feel you need to condem me. Wildcat do not post here again.

Never - because no one in their lives tell them the truth - friends tend to sugar coat things. I spare feelings here for a reason - they don't know me - I don't know them. They need to hear reality - because what's going on in their heads is not reality.

Wildcat its OK to tell the truth but you didn't come on this post to tell the truth you came here to tell me how you feel. I asked a question and you weren't able to answer. Like I said if you came here to criticize Don't. If you feel you can't do what I asked then at least respect my dicision to not hear from you again and don't read any of my post again. Honesty can be your gift but also your curse. THIS SITE IS NOT FOR CRITICISM IT IS FOR ADVICE IF YOU can't FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT THEN YOU Shouldn't POST!

You deserve critiscism. Your life is a mess. Work on yourself.

Crybaby, you're offended because you don't want to hear the truth about your behavior. You have to recognize and accept that it was your choice of actions that led you into this big mess. You are responsible.

You don't trust your boyfriend because you don't trust yourself. It was so easy for you to cheat, you believe that he will too as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

You may well believe you are a "changed woman" today. The problem is that tomorrow, when things are tough again, you're most likely to revert back to the behaviour you already know. You rationalized your cheating more than 5 times already, what's another time or two when it's really tough..

I don't believe you can every be happy with this guy. I think you don't have any respect for your boyfriend. If he actually forgives you - I'd bet you'd respect him even less. And if he has any self-resepct, he'll drop you like a hot potato anyway.

Even if you somehow work things out, you'll always have that little nagging feeling of mistrust between you - and inside yourself.

I understand where you are comeing from Philly but I didn't post this for people to tell me that I'm ****ed up and I'm at a dead end. I came here to get advice. But it doesn't matter now cause I posted this awhole ago. I took Demonspeeding, Krs and Chery's advice. I had no other choice. I told my boyfriend what had happened and he told me he already knew, he found out when it happened but he didn't want to tell me. But since we have a kid now we both no it is different now. Sometimes it can get akward when I see another actractive women around him but and same for him. We both are doing good now, I know over time it will get better...
Philly I wasn't offended because I didn't want to hear the truth... I knew it was wrong what I did but I was fifteen at the time and I was going through a lot of emotional things... im not saying that as an excuse but I know that the reason I did those things was bigger than anything I could have handled, probably bigger than anything a lot of people could handle.
I wasn't getting angry because wildcat was telling the truth I was getting angry because the way she was commenting on things and the things that she said wasn't true, such as "Once a cheater always a cheater" or her saying that my life is a mess. I don't feel that people can say such things when they don't know you as a person and being that she thinks that it is OK to talk to people in that manner is really disturbing.

Philly you basically said the same thing as her but in a different manner. I don't agree with about 80 percent of what you have said because my relationship with my boyfriend has already changed for the better. And yes i am a changed woman now. I am in a new environment and I my mentality has changed. Believe it or not 4 years you can overcome a lot of things, at 15 years old you are already going through so many changes and other added things to it.
You and wildcat act as if you have not made mistakes in your life that you have regreted, and of course I'm sure you had a family to guide you and friends to help you through. But others are not as gifted as that. When I met my boyfriend I was 13 living in the streets with no guidance, it took me a lot of time to overcome the things that I went through, but I did it, I was able to get through without people like you and wildcat telling me that it is never going to get beter and My life is messed up and its all my fault.
I can understand where people like you and wildcat come from... it is so easy to judge people when you don't know them, when you haven't lived there life, and when you have never been in the situation.
But I truthfully thought that this site was a site advice and support. But I guess I still have a lot to learn when it comes to the internet.

You are fooling yourself.

You said "...i posted this awhole ago..." Your post is 9 days old... and in those nine days you say you have already made a complete confession to your boyfriend and believe your relationship is "already changed for the better"..

You're still a rebelious teenager and have an "I'll show you" attitude. You don't want to hear these things. You want all the bad things to go away and have everything be "okay" with the snap of your fingers.

I can tell you that real life is no where near that simple.

Make no mistake - I believe you can make a better life for yourself, and you probably want to for the sake of your child, but if you think you've got everything worked out with your boyfriend in just 9 days, you have completely fooled yourself.

Philly - you're right on. I am trying hammer home lifes truths. Lots of growing up to do. Still a child.

Well I guess you are right... it seems to be all right.. it just seems like a long time cause so many things are going on. I am that way but I just don't see any other way to be. I mean who wants things to stay bad... of course I just want things to go good especially now that things are finally comeing together in my life... I definitely don't have an "ill show you atitude" . I am just trying to make sense of this whole thing.
My boyfriend is acting fine, he is finally spending time with me and my son, he took us out this weekend, he finally is acting apart of this family. We were growing so distant and now it seems to be comeing together. So why wouldn't I think it is going good?
I know I am still a child and I pretty sure it is going to take about 20 more years to get the hang of this being an adult thing but am I not allowed to make mistakes during the way?
How can I do that... how can anyone go on living without making mistakes? And if you do make mistakes that you can't erase am I just suppose to feel bad and act like nothing ever happened and ignore everyone I've hurt? I thought me posting this thread was suppose to help me through the bad times... so how am I suppose to act? And with every mistake I make People start throwing rocks at me then what is the whole point of living?

Unfortunately sometimes it take a slap in the face to see the truth. I believe that is what Wildcat21 was trying to do.

It is really a shame that sometimes that is what it takes for us to learn life's lessons, but that is really the way life is.

It is easier for an "outsider" to point out the problems in our relationships because the people close to us want to protect us. However, from my lengthy experience, it is those outsiders that we learn to most of. I agree it may hurt to hear the truth, but if that is what it takes to get us on the right path, then that is what we need.

You say "with every mistake i make People start throwing rocks at me then what is the whole point of liveing? Well, the answer lies in the fact that life does not give us a set of instructions, we ALL make mistakes, some of us have been there and some of us are going there. The only thing that those of us who have been there can do is to warn those of you who are going there. I know it seems like I am ranting, but if you read closely you will understand what I mean.

Those of us older than you have already experienced much of what you are going through. All we are trying to do is to help to show you the right path.

The point of living is to make your mistakes so that you can help your child follow the right path.

It sounds right and I understand you when you put it like that but Wildcat was not putting it like that... she was comeing from somewhere else. I can listen when people talk to me respectfully but the minute I see someone getting rude I really don't care what they are saying. Compare the way you said what you said and the compare what wildcat said. There is a big differnce. But I don't need "a slap in the face" I need people to talk to me in a respectful manner.
Trust me I know how I am. I understand when people talk to me in a good way... I have had enough people in my life to act every sort of way except respectfully. But I see where you are comeing from J9, Thanks for making me understand more.

Hey, hon, honestly we have all been there done that, if you know what I mean. Wildcat truly does not mean any harm, he has helped me through some crises' also, and I listened to the same thing, but if you put down your guard, you can hear the truth in his words.

I know he sounds harsh, but he knows what he is doing and in the end, he does it well.

So just be patient, listen, get pissed off, calm down, and then read again from an outsiders perspective. You will see he is trying to give you the truth, no matter how it may hurt, it is the truth, and sometimes that is what some of us need to hear to put us into action to help ourselves.

Keep your chin up, you can get through this.

Ok I see what you are saying. Ill try and uderstand his weird personal chosen words... its just going to take a while to get there.
Thanks for being patient and listening to me j9.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Crybaby9112001

I asked for advice not your criticism. Don't post here if you have no advice or you feel you need to condem me. Wildcat do not post here again.

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Tell your b/f the whole truth and accept the consequences of your actions is the best advice I can give, and be prepared to be alone because he may NOT like being cheated on and lied to. You also could give a lot less attitude and open- your mind and listen to what advice you do get. Also do you honestly think sweet talking is going to make you see what a wreck you've already made of your life and your boyfriends? How do you expect anyone to react to some one who has cheated 5 times and your pissed because now your boyfriend is cheating and you want this relationship to work! Stop being so shallow and selfish is my advice. Come clean and be honest! Get help if you must but don't think for a second that attitude you have now will get you anything but misery. If you need more advice come on back I got plenty!

Also-

Quote:

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Wildcat its OK to tell the truth but you didn't come on this post to tell the truth you came here to tell me how you feel. I asked a question and you weren't able to answer. Like I said if you came here to criticize Don't. If you feel you can't do what I asked then at least respect my dicision to not hear from you again and don't read any of my post again. Honesty can be your gift but also your curse.

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You would have to prove you know what honesty is -OR-TOUGH LOVE!

PS- IF we didn't care no one here would even bother to be HONEST with you, I hope you get it

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Crybaby9112001

I understand where you are comeing from Philly but i didnt post this for people to tell me that im ****ed up and im at a dead end. I came here to get advice. But it doesnt matter now cause i posted this awhole ago. I took Demonspeeding, Krs and Chery's advice. I had no other choice. I told my boyfriend what had happened and he told me he already knew, he found out when it happened but he didnt want to tell me. But since we have a kid now we both no it is different now. Sometimes it can get akward when i see another actractive women around him but and same for him. We both are doing good now, i know over time it will get better....
Philly I wasnt offended because i didnt want to hear the truth....i knew it was wrong what i did but i was fifteen at the time and i was going through a lot of emotional things...im not saying that as an excuse but i know that the reason i did those things was bigger than anything i could have handled, probably bigger than anything alot of people could handle.
I wasnt getting angry because wildcat was telling the truth i was geting angry because the way she was commenting on things and the things that she said wasnt true, such as "Once a cheater always a cheater" or her saying that my life is a mess. I dont feel that people can say such things when they dont know you as a person and being that she thinks that it is ok to talk to people in that manner is really disturbing.

Philly you basicly said the same thing as her but in a different manner. I dont agree with about 80 percent of what you have said because my relationship with my boyfriend has already changed for the better. and yes i am a changed woman now. I am in a new enviornment and i my mentality has changed. Believe it or not 4 years you can overcome a lot of things, at 15 years old you are already going through so many changes and other added things to it.
You and wildcat act as if you have not made mistakes in your life that you have regreted, and of course im sure you had a family to guide you and friends to help you through. but others are not as gifted as that. When i met my boyfriend i was 13 liveing in the streets with no guidance, it took me a lot of time to overcome the things that i went through, but i did it, i was able to get through without people like you and wildcat telling me that it is never going to get beter and My life is messed up and its all my fault.
I can understand where people like you and wildcat come from....it is so easy to judge people when you dont know them, when you havent lived there life, and when you have never been in the situation.
But i truthfully thought that this site was a site advice and support. But i guess i still have a lot to learn when it comes to the internet.

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Girl you are so right, a lot of people on here are very quick to criticize. But not everyone on here is like that and you are right-they don't know what it's like to be in your shoes so why do they feel they have the right to talk to you like that when they don't really know how it feels to be in your shoes? No one should ever tell anybody that they messed up their life and it can't get better now. If someone told me that... let's not go there. Keep your chin up and good luck.

Hunny I think you should talk to him and ask him how he feels about you and about this relationship. It seems like it's a mess why is he even talking to other girls what makes he do that. He doesn't know that you cheated on him so what will be the reason for him to cheat. But the best thing to do is to talk to him and see what he has to say. But the thing is that you guys have a baby and you cants just leave him and go your own way. But seriously you really have to talk to him his not doing the right thing!

Talaniman I hope you have read what I put... I said I already told my boyfriend. Read before you write.

Thanks depressed in mo,
Thanks for understanding where I am comeing from.

Thank you Palamutyan18, Domeonspeeding, and Cherry for not judging me and giving me the advice I needed. Really thank you.

Just to be clear it was your attitude that I thought you should check and which seems to have brought the greatest reaction. And for the record I still hold that your attitude will bring you misery and to be honest I wish better for you!

You're still a kid who tried to take on adult stuff - not good.

OK, why do you guys keep posting when nothing is being said to you?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Crybaby9112001

ok, why do you guys keep posting when nothing is being said to you?

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To put it quite simply we care enough to give you advice to help you be happy. That's what we really want, and if you get tough love sometimes, well frankly we think you need that too! So loose the attitude and smile and join us, you never know, there maybe someone hurting out there who could benefit from your experience. Wouldn't you try to help?

I have been watching this thread very closely and it is seems crybaby that you came on here seeking advice, but only advice that you want to hear.
Criticism is very hard for some people to take and it is obvious that this applies to you.
These people aren't trying to discredit you, or judge you. Everything you have been told is spot on. Your relationship is in a mess. You are in a mess.
If you are a changed women and everyhting is going so good then why are you asking for advice? You should not need it.

Please don't just read your own thread. Go back weeks, months etc and read the hundreds of other threads on here. You will see that you aren't the first to go through tough times and you aren't the first to receive such criticism.

Maybe you'll see examples of people who, unlike you, listened and took in this criticism and were honest with themselves and tried to fix there situation. There are many examples of this happening.

It is easy to receive a pat on the back, but it is difficult to receive a kick in the ar$e.

As you know the world is a tough place. You have had many tough times. But you don't survice taking the easy path and easy options. Simialry you won't improve yourself only listening to the easy advice.

It is the hard stuff that hopefully one day you can look back on and be glad that you heard it, because then you may truly be a "changed women".

Good luck and keep contributing.

Talaniman and Skell
Your right, but how do I get over it, I can't ignore it when I feel like people are criticizing me. When they said those things I did jump to defense but how can I not? Every since I posted this and people have been telling me I am childish I have been looking at myself in a new way. I have been seeing that I truly do have a lot to learn and I don't know where to start, It seems I want everything my way or I dislike it, the minute something gets difficult I don't know how to act and I just give up or if I try to get through it I do something so supid. I don't know how to take criticism! I know I don't but how do I learn to embrace it instead of fighting it or getting offended by it... I am so serious when I say I need to learn how but I just don't know what I need to do. I feel like I have to respond to everything. You see I was raised in foster homes and grouphomes since I was 8 months and I don't have a mom or dad to give me good advice... liveing in the grouphome you have to have an attitude or people will run all over you... and especially since I live in Oakland... I can't even leave the house without someone grabbing on my shirt trying to talk to me. I don't know what I should do to get over this... you see I have to have this attitude out here especially when being that I live by myself and I have a son. But I don't know how to stop this. How do I learn how to only use the attitude out here and stop it when I know there are real people that are trying to give me honest advice?

Wow! I am impressed, very impressed. Not only did you have the courage to come clean with us, you have admitted to yourself and honestly I may add, that there are things you don't know and want help with. I understand your attitude as a defensive mechanism and a survival skill. The good news is you already know what your problem is and that's half the battle. Practice patience and the art of listening before you make a comment. Learn NOT to respond to everything and the things you cannot control don't worry about it. It really is a matter of practicing... doing the right thing over and over until it becomes natural. You are a very strong smart person so getting rid of bad habits and learning to control your anger may be quite challenge but I also feel that you want to make a change and that works in your favor. Always remember to not act out of anger and treat others as YOU want to be treated. It won't happen overnight and it will take a lot of WORK on your part but I already can see you have the tools to be successful. Stay away from places that cause you to have an attitude and go where people are really people. I said it won't be easy but over time you can do it!

Talaniman
I knew this was always a problem with me but I just learned how to ignore it. Im glad I posted this because the things people were telling was right but it so hard to see the bad side of yourself... I don't like being the way I am but I just am... I don't have patience at all and when I tell myself to be patience and just wait I get all tense and my heart starts racing and then I just start screaming or crying and I don't even know why... I guess I'm like a child(((((thats not good cause I have a baby)))) I hate this about myself but it feels like I don't have control over this... why am I like this?? Other people are so patient and conciderate and listen, and if they are not like that then they are in the streets, I don't want to live on the streets! OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH MY GOD IT FEELS LIKE IM GOING CRAZY! Should I take some kind of medicine or something. I don't think this is normal. Sorry for the outburst.

No need for apologies. You just need a good hug, do you have a trusted girlfriend? Or a trusted adult? Just to talk to and get some of that frustration out.(I Walk when I get pissed) You could see a doctor that would be up to you (I am not a doctor) but I think the frustration has been building for a long time and needs to come out. A good workout and two aspirin and a hot bath. And kiss your baby and say I LOVE YOU!!

(((((SMILE)))))) Thank you, sorry I just don't no how to handle a lot of things.
Your right I think a walk around the lake, a bath and to kiss my baby would do me good. I don't have people to talk to, I have like one friend but they are all to young to understand my problems, I found this site by googleing "help need to ask questions". So this is my family here. Thank you talaniman

Welcome to the family-Consider yourself hugged!

If you cheated on your boyfriend 5 times, what's his guarantee that you won't do it again? I know you said you're a "changed woman", but why should he believe that? If he cheated on you five times, knowing you have a child together would you believe him?? Probably not. How long has it been since you cheated on him and what makes you so sure that he doesn't know. Men aren't dumb, they have instincts just like women do. He may have just chosen to ignore it for the sake of your child and keeping the family together.

Cheating is a dirty, rotten, selfish act. People do it for different reasons. Some are lonely, some are scared, some just have an over active sex-drive and will scratch that itch at any cost. However, if it only happened once, it was an event and no matter how bad or guilty you feel, I don't believe you should tell your spouse/significant other about it just to make yourself feel better. If it happened once and you have no intentions or desires for it to happen again, you feel guilty because you're a good person and only good people feel guilt to the point they don't allow it to happen again than as unfortunate as that is, you should bear that burden all by yourself. But, if you cheated, and cheated and cheated again, than it's no longer an event, but a pattern and that, you should tell your spouse. They have the right to know that the person they are sharing their bed with has little or no character.

I understand the frustration and guilt you're living with now, but if you truly are a changed-for-the-better woman(and don't lie to yourself cause that doesn't help anyone), than take that energy and re-invest it in your family. Treat him adoringly like you did when you first met. Be romantic and kind and you can lure him back. Pay attention to him without being overbearing or smothering. You'll find that all of these actions will put the negative feelings behind you and let you focus on what's important, which is keeping your family together.

Momincali
WOW! Well I don't know what to say but tell you what you asked.
He knows now but at first he was to nice about it then he told me he cheated on me once. I cheated on him when I was 13 and 15. I was young and I know that isn't an excuse but I have learned from my leson. He said he think we should go to therapy but I can't stand therapy. I cheated way before my son was born. I don't have any intention on cheating on him ever again, I love him and my son to ever do any such thing. Your advice is so true, I do treat him like a king now, this whole situation has changed us for the better but it still feel strange if we see anything on TV that has to do with cheating. We both love each other to death and even the thought of us leaving each other make out hearts race its just when we were younger we had too much on out plate, You said Pay attention to him without being overbearing or smothering but I have never been that way but I think I am becoming that way, thanks for the advice Momincali

You know, not to underplay cheating, but 13 and 15 don't really count, at least not to me, you guys were just babies. I am so happy to hear that you have not done it again since having your son nor have the feeling to do it, but remember it's commitment that keeps you from cheating, not how you feel about your man. I'm even happier to hear that you are treating him well. Assuming you picked a man and not a male to be the father of your child, when you treat your him right, he will slay dragons for you. The uneasy feeling may be there for a while, but don't make it about you. Have you ever barbequed chicken and maybe burnt it, and then the next time maybe you forgot to season it? Well, hopefully you didn't decide that you would never try barbequeing chicken again and just learned from your mistakes by taking it slow. Whenever you see a movie on TV or in theaters, read a book or hear about someone cheating and it makes you feel bad, just look at each other and give each other a nice passionate kiss. That will remind you that those days are in your past and your future with your family is what's important now. You guys are your kid's role models, always be aware of what you do and say to each other. We tend to underestimate our kids cause they're so little, but the truth is that they pick up on that very quickly. Show him that mommy and daddy love each other very much and are doing everything they can to make it a happy home, with both parents under one roof (maybe even legitimizing everything by tying the knot?? :rolleyes: ) to create security and stability.

Thank you, I feel much better, your right, wow the advice you give is pretty amazing, you make it seem like its was like right in my face and I'm just like why didn't I think of that, wow thank you

Hey crybaby.

Well done on coming so far in such a short time. To be able to actually admit your faults is a massive step towards correcting them. You are doing well.
I agree with momincali, in that at 13 and 15 (although still not the right thing to do) I think it is forgivable.

Momincali has given such wonderful adivice here that it is hard to add anything more.

I just wanted to post and let you know that although we on here at time may criticise, we can also praise when it is due.

And it both intances on this thread they were due.

Well done and keep posting.

You still have a fair way to go and their will be challenges ahead no doubt.

HELLO

I saw your post and I can relate... I went through the same thing. :( wow you guys met when you were 15 is that rite? Or when you were 12 if my calculations are rite. Anyway that's sweet. But if you cheated on him while you guys were together, does that mean the baby is even his? It could be the other guy. If you were with just one guy?
. We all learn from our mistakes it.ll be OK if you guys love and worked it out.