I have started the no contact about 9 days ago. All was going OK. Sad and down but at least there aren't any new pains. I was in the shower tonight and suddenly I think to myself.. I'll just go online and see if my ex is there. No big deal right? So I had a great shower cause I figured I could go online and not make any real effort but my ex would definitely speak to me. I could just give short answers. Then I thought to myself... why? My ex is moving to Florida in about 1 month to live for 3 months (I suspect longer). I guess I find it better to deal with the pain now rather then have them move and still be in contact.

Anyone else struggle with no contact? Just feeling a little unsure of myself right now...

YES!! I have struggled with it for three months now! I have fallen off and gotten back on the 'no contact' wagon several times, so don't feel bad. I actually met my ex for some coffee on Friday. Stupid mistake, but I will be fine. I know I will. Everyone makes the mistake at least once, or, in my case, several times. Just keep on moving forward and keep your chin up.

OK... I just find it so difficult to not be able to chat or speak to them. I feel like I'm acting childish in some way. My ex hasn't reached out much (of course I would prefer that so I would feel wanted) but I'm trying to remember that the NC is for me... not to punish them.

Is there ever a time you can have contact? Ever a time or circumstance when it would be OK?

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Originally Posted by JohnD212

Is there ever a time you can have contact? Ever a time or circumstance when it would be ok?

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NO NO NO

All that will do is feed you false hope... stay on the NC Highway so you don't go back to square one!!

Friend4U is right. I have broken it many times. I am not back at square 1 however, as I have been able to get a level head and get my own life together since we broke up. This last time (Friday) was probably the biggest set back I have had, so I am probably back to square 2 1/2. Do NOT break NC. It is NEVER worth it, believe me. Don't be as stubborn as me.

Thanks so much... I went online tonight... just couldn't fight the pain.. but thankfully my ex wasn't online... so I sat there on AIM seeing if they came on... and they didn't... so after reading this I signed off. This is awful and painful.

It might be awful and painful now but it will pay off in the long run believe me. I have pretty much gone NC for 5mths now, she managed to find ways to contact me (by waiting outside my house and even more psychotic ones) but I know that without NC I would not have been in the spot I am right now. So keep it up and whenever you want to break it remind yourself how hard the first few days where. Good luck

You made a point yourself and you need to write it somewhere or stamp it on your heart and brain. You said that she hasn't reached out much and you are glad that she hasn't because it would make it more difficult. That is exactly how you need to look at it. She hasn't made the effort and therefore neither should you. As far as every contacting her again, maybe sometime down the road when you have both moved on with your lives and you no longer have the emotional attachment.

According to your original post, your ex was down in Florida visiting and wasn't writing you... that just goes to show even more that your ex is doing their own thing, and unfortunately you aren't included in that.

In addition, you talked about how your ex should be there for you in hard times... since you had left your job and so forth. Absolutely they should be there for you, and that is why you need to use this to fuel your NO CONTACT FIRE!

Whenever you think about contacting or responding to your ex, if they happen to attempt to contact you, you must remind yourself of these instances in which they weren't there for you, and in which they aren't really making any effort to contact you. Basically, your ex isn't sitting around thinking about you, so you shouldn't sit around and think of them. Stay no contact and your healing time will get shorter everyday.

I know its true. Its not easy but I know this is true. 6 years is a long time to basically have someone end it online. I did go online a couple times but thankfully my ex wasn't online so I spared myself any type of pain. Now I just have to avoid it tomorrow.. and the day and the day after that... UGH!

Just take this one day at a time. Slowly the days will turn into weeks and the weeks into months and you will gradually start to feel the difference. I would suggest you block her or make it so that you are not able to see when she is online. That way you will avoid going through the whole process whenever she is online.

Do NOT break NC please, she'll probably eventually contact you my friend then you can deal with it then.

After 6 years I know my ex and I'm sure my ex is now angry at me for not having any contact. Of course that reaction is exactly what bothers me the most because I hate making my ex mad or sad through my actions. I guess I was thinking last night if I logged online and my ex saw me... they would say hi and I wasn't doing anything wrong because they spoke to me and not the other way around. I realized this morning that this is just a need to know that my ex is thinking of me but that attention wouldn't bring them back. It would just leave me sad.

There are no exceptions to NC and it will only work if you cut off any line of communication.
You should not care what her reaction is. You are doing this for your own good and its time to take care of yourself because if you don't no one else will. Sooner or later she will try to contact you but you should just stay focused.

That's still breaking NC, NC isn't NC until they contact me. It's NO CONTACT so YOU can heal, not to get the other person upset or angry.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

That's still breaking NC, NC isn't NC until they contact me. It's NO CONTACT so YOU can heal, not to get the other person upset or angry.

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Yah... I tend to get myself caught up in ideas of what my ex is doing and that usually just leads to me thinking I can go online and see if my ex will speak to me. I was honestly very happy they weren't online last night but couldn't help wondering why... guess that's why I should stop and think

What I worry about right now is that I didn't tell my ex that I'm doing no contact. When my ex went to Florida they knew I was mad... and when they came back I didn't go online to contact them at all. Of course they haven't contacted me... but I can't help but feel bad about not at least telling my ex about this no contact thing...

That's the WHOLE point of no contact... You don't tell them anything... at all!

No contact is meant for you to give yourself the proper time your mind needs to settle its self enough to think clearly about your relationship and what you can learn and take away from it.

Don't think about what your ex is doing like I said in your other post, it will get you nowhere.

What you need to do is build yourself up enough to just take away all the possible setbacks you could encounter. Delete her AIM/MSN, Myspace, Facebook, phonenumbers, take the pictures and put them in a box and promise yourself to not look at them again until your ready. You can do it if you really try.

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What I worry about right now is that I didn't tell my ex that I'm doing no contact.

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You don't owe her any explanation. She will figure it out. Don't get caught in such thoughts. The moment you contact her to tell her about NC it will be like starting from ground zero again. What good can possibly come out of it?

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Originally Posted by busterite

You dont owe her any explanation. She will figure it out. Dont get caught in such thoughts. The moment you contact her to tell her about NC it will be like starting from ground zero again. What good can possibly come out of it?

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I know you're right. Boy today was a bad day. Couldn't stop thinking about my ex and just basically went through the motions today. Came home exhausted from thinking about this situation. Still haven't broken the no contact but everyday that my ex doesn't call or doesn't make any efforts makes it harder to keep my end up.

You should be glad she hasn't contacted you and hope that she doesn't for a very long time. You are going to have bad and good days. At first the bad outweigh the good but as time passes by and the balances are restored the bad become less frequent and less bad and the good become more frequent. Keep your head up even if you have to force yourself to do it. You will get over this and come out stronger and better than ever. Keep that in mind and look forward to the day when all this will be a distant memory

I'm going through the same thing. Hang in there. And Block them online. I didn't realize the importance of this whole "no contact" thing until about a week ago when I joined this sight and had had the final straw with my ex. It's really hard to not have any contact. You want them to want you. You want them to realize they made a mistake. You want them to say "hey" online... but it will only make you more depressed and make you think about them more. Having no contact with your ex gives you power. Day by day you feel stronger and think less and less about them... one day you'll just stop and realize that you haven't thought about them for the entire day... and slowly it will increase. You have to remember that this is for YOUR benefit. It's not because your punishing them. Even though... you sort of feel like you want to sometimes. The only reason you want to talk to them... is because deep down inside... you want to get back together with them. Being friends is waaay to complicated (maybe in years to come) and if they realize they want to get back together with you, they will contact you. And I don't mean, give you a call. They might send you emails and messages apologizing. However, I highly doubt that. Since that will probably not happen... DO NOT CONTACT THEM. Just remind yourself over and over how other people are doing the same thing at this very moment. Your not alone. Stay strong! Haha :)

No contact is hella hard I definitely feel you... I need to start but I can't seem to do it... I think its good that you caught yourself though!

Well I keep coming so close to breaking the NC rule. I went online last night... my ex was online but had the away turned on... I sat there online for about 2 minutes.. heart racing.. and then forced myself to sign off. Nothing said... probably not even seen. I sat and cried for about 5 minutes then got on with it. Its funny how good it felt that my NC wasn't completely broken. I can only imagine how I'd feel today if I had gone all the way back to step 1.

Just sometimes it's hard to believe you could be with someone for 6 years and then suddenly never speak again. Kind of a shock to the system.

You are doing good man! Keep your chin up and keep on moving forward.

Yes it is a shock. That's why you need to go NC to get over the shock. I've broken it a few times already. It didn't make me feel better that I did... but it didn't really set me back that far either. Just take everything a day at a time... you can do it.

I have found myself constantly going on aim to see if she is on too. I never call or initiate text anymore. I told her I didn't know how to handle this the best way, but I went NC for a few days and I seemed to forget about things somewhat, unless it was because she said we will be back together again, there will be no other guys, and she just needs her time? She said even if I decide to ignore her until I go up to visit she still wants me to come and will not be moved on. I have the impression sometimes that when I go up there things will be back together, but I'm really trying hard to not think like that, because it probably isn't realistic. I always got a million things running through my head about her like when she says we will be back together I get somewhat happier, but then when we don't talk I sit around and think what is she really doing? I think breaking the nc may have set me back.
In a past relationship, I went no contact and it worked. However I have my doubts because I found a new girl after breaking up with her and that may have helped move me along as well. I don't want to talk to this girl, but like you said, I want her to reach out to me and want to feel wanted and not just like she is having a great time "on her own" Honestly though, who wants to be alone? I think its just a nice way of letting me go... I have been struggling with NC because I want to tell her why I don't want to talk because of the things she says or doesn't say, when she asks why I am ignoring her or may choose to

So I blew it tonight. I guess this thread kind of showed I was having problems with NC. I went online and of course my ex initiated the hi... asked how my job was... I just said very good and said nothing else. They signed off without saying another word. OF COURSE that destroyed me... and I did the ultimate stupid thing... texted them saying "No Bye?" my ex texted back saying night, have a good day tomorrow. So now I'm back to step one. Oh well... wonder if I can get back on track. I guess this contact didn't exactly make me feel better so maybe I need to understand that... I've now taken my ex off my AIM so I won't see them if I go online and I've also blocked them so they can't see me. This was just stupid.

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Originally Posted by JohnD212

So I blew it tonight. I guess this thread kind of showed I was having problems with NC. Of course my ex initiated the hi...asked how my job was...I just said very good and said nothing else. They signed off without saying another word. OF COURSE that destroyed me...and I did the ultimate stupid thing...texted them saying "No Bye?" my ex texted back saying nite, have a good day tomorrow. So now I'm back to step one. Oh well...wonder if I can get back on track. I guess this contact didn't exactly make me feel better so maybe I need to understand that... I've now taken my ex off my AIM so I won't see them if I go online. Next step I guess will be to block them so they can't see me when I'm online.

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Sometimes lessons learnt the hard way are the best John , chin up and start that road down the NC highway again. And this time don't look back ;)

Yah... I have to learn from this. I'm actually more upset at myself for making my ex feel so important once again while they gave me nothing but the smallest amount of attention. Thankfully I didn't chat enough to get any information that might bother me. Yes... new day tomorrow. One mistake... how many do I get? Lol

Happens to all of us man. Like I said, I have done it SEVERAL times. No worries! Just get back up and keep moving.

So went online again today and spoke to my ex. Not too emotional today because I realize that there just isn't any feelings (or maybe never was) on my ex's end. My ex actually seemed angry at me when we started talking today so I think the no contact I had done for two weeks had some effect on my ex. Like I stated originally... my ex has decided to move to Florida for a few months (to work and have fun with a friend) so I realize I really need to buckle down and get the NC going. It'll be so much harder if I wait until they leave... and I refuse to stay in touch when they're in FLorida (I'm in NYC). That would be too painful.

Like before... I guess I don't have to tell them anything.. just not go online anymore. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist next week (free consultation) to see why its so hard to remove myself from this person. We'll see.

John, the therapist is not a bad idea, but you need to really take some time to sit and think, and realize the power of NO CONTACT.

If you take some time and you look at everyone that gets on this site and writes about how their relationship came to an end, you will see that almost all of them have issues with NO CONTACT. They can't imagine this. It just simply doesn't make sense, because you are empty handed and are having to deal with emptiness, when you may not have done anything to cause it.

Think about it this way. When you were a child, and you would do something good, your parents may give you a cookie. So the next time, you did what they asked, and you were good, so they gave you a cookie... well then one day, they realize that you now knew how to do it, so they stopped giving you a cookie... well think of the person that you are, as the act of doing good, and your ex-girlfriend, as the cookie... You wake up each day, and you are yourself (a kind, loving, caring person... which represents the good), but you don't get the cookie... Well, your reaction is just as a child's reaction would be, confused, upset, disappointed, sad. You were doing everything that you were doing all the days before, but now, you aren't getting your cookie anymore. So, your issues with detaching yourself from your ex, are following this pattern.

This is why you go No Contact. You must realize that you can continue to be yourself day after day, and that your life is not over. You said it yourself, NO CONTACT gives you power. You are choosing not to talk to her, and that is YOUR choice. You are choosing to live, eat, sleep, drink, watch TV, sleep in, travel, and do it how and when YOU decide to. The point of NO CONTACT again is FOR YOU! IT is for you to realize that you can make it ON YOUR OWN! You are living for you, just as she is living for her right now. Trust me, I know it hurts, but she isn't sitting around and thinking and stressing about this situation right now. She is doing her own thing. Her acting like she is mad and so forth, that is the front she has to put on because she wants to make you feel as though you did something wrong that would warrant her decision and actions. That is why you don't talk to her. You are having issues with detaching yourself from her, because you won't ALLOW yourself to. You need to start living for yourself and stop living for her... and yes, as of now, you are still living for her. You are letting her control your life, and she is just going about hers.


NO CONTACT IS IN YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW, AND UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT AND EMBRACE IT AND MAKE YOURSELF DO IT, YOU WILL KEEP RELAPSING AND IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

Thanks thadevilsadvocate... its funny how we can understand everything on paper but carrying it out... isn't always easy. I was surprised that last night when my ex said hi to me online they were all happy and friendly but then tonight my ex was so nasty and somewhat angry... almost like they realized the power had gone back into their hands.

Your ex did realize the power was back in their hands. Trust me, they are well aware of it. That is the reason for them writing you to begin with. If you don't respond to them or contact them, then you don't fill that void for them. They don't want to have to deal with the reality of you not speaking to them, and as long as you continue to speak to them, you will get nowhere and you will continue to fill the void for them. Let them suffer, but not being able to communicate with you. I guarantee you it will work wonders.

It was also weird because two nights ago when I went online, my ex said hi right away etc. etc... then last night... after I sat online for a while... my ex said "why didn't you say hi to me when you came online"... and I said "I just got in and went to take a shower" and my ex said "well from now on you need to say hi if you come on after me..I can't be the one to always say hi first"... I found that whole exchange rather bitter and nasty. I reminded my ex that they needed to stop being so mean to me and they said "I'm the nicest person you know"...

You get the idea of the way it went... this is the same person who when I moved out temporarily because I didn't have a job... told me that if we're going to stay together... I would do everything they told me to do... then two weeks later they told me it wasn't going to work. Hard to believe it lasted 6 years... so I guess today is day #1 again of NC...

Hi John, I know how tough it is, and let me give you some perspective.

Its down right crazy to think your going to fill the hole in your soul, after a few weeks, when you have a 6 year history with someone.

Come on guy, give yourself a break here. Its going to take a lot of time and WORK, and that's something you have control over.

Start now, and make a list of something to do tomorrow, and instead of going online, ( the exception is coming here) have a task, or errand waiting for you.

It takes a while to come out of shock, and make adjustments, but you will eventually.

HINT- Time flies when your having fun, and anything that's strenuous, and challenging, or new, will have you sleeping like a baby.

Adjust your attitude to enjoy your freedom, to explore your options.

"Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” John W. Gardner

The only power we have lies in our actions. It is your choice whether to exercise that power and do what is best for you or let other people run the show and determine our happiness.

I guess I'll try the list of things to do when I start to have too much time on my hands. I just want to be as far beyond contact with my ex before they leave for Florida (whenever that is)... I knew I couldn't wait until they left to go NC... that would be two things I'd have to deal with... so I'll have to let some of this go before the end of this month. Then... they are literally gone (even if its for just 3 months) so time to pick up and start new.

Delete them from your IM program! Do it now! Then you cannot here from them fullstop...

That quote from gardner is dead on. I've been dealing with a breakup for the last couple weeks and have tried NC a number of times and failed. I get mad/upset when I don't hear from her, and then when I do and decide to answer back, I get instant, momentary pleasure, and then its like I step back and realize that the momentary pleasure is gone and I'm back to being mad/upset, not knowing what to do. On top of all this, I'm in law school and in the middle of final exams, so I have been doing nothing but studying and taking exams for the last two weeks. I haven't been to the gym, haven't been out to any bars or clubs at all, and been getting minimal sleep so everything has really been dwelling on me. One moment I want to get back together with her if she wanted to and then next, I don't think it was meant to work out, maybe even forced for awhile. Bottom line, from the last couple weeks I can tel you that NC does help, it helped even after a couple days, but then breaking it with hopes that it will be better for the relationship is dead wrong. I've done it in the past and it worked wonders. But currently I have been failing at it every couple days. Stick to it, it'll pay off in the long run, let her go and if it was meant to be, shell come back. But hopefully for her, you won't be moved on to something better. I need to start living by my own words, just having a tugh time sticking to it.