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I was with a man for about 4-5 months. He said I was what he wanted and he is for me. He said he didn't have feelings for me and thinks we should just be friends. Well I am trying to be a great friend, but its hard since I fell for him. My friends say to try and get him back. Does that work? I don't know of a woman out there who did it. So guys and gals out there, is that true or not? I would love to have a chance with him, but I think we were just meant for friends.
Is this the same guy you have asked about before?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...im-283793.html
Are you still in contact?
He has said that's not what he wants, and you are not ready to be his friend.Quote:
I would love to have a chance with him, but I think we were just meant for friends.
The answer to your original question is NO!
You could try and it might work, or it might not, it all depends on both of you and the situation and how he feels.
Problem is, if you try and fail you might end up losing your friendship too.
The choice is yours.
Good luck.
If he said he wants to be friends... he wants to be friends. If you are not ready to be his friend because of your emotional involvement then move on. Why try to win someone back? Why want someone who doesn't want you the same way? Just be yourself and give it time... maybe he will want a romantic relationship with you later or maybe he won't but I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.
Yes it is the same guy. I have not contacted him, but he has called me. Why would he call me if he is not that interested in me. I know I shouldn't talk to him, but he said something to me that has stuck in my mind(his ex wife and he were friends first then broke it off, then months later got back together, he said sometimes things like that happen and it could with you and I) So I don't know what to think. He wants friendship and he knows I want more. But everyone here says no to him!! My fear is never having anyone,and it gets worse as you get my age(49), believe me!! Its not easy getting over someone you have feelings for. I guess I am stupid for having hope and thinking he could want me. I know you are all right-no contact, but it hurts a lot. Thanks!!
Love hurts, it sucks, but holding on to someone that you don't have a future with and wasting more years running after him would suck even more.
Don't waste your time on this guy, it's time to find someone who will want to be with you no matter what, someone who won't play any more games.
Good luck.
He doesn't want, what you want, it's that simple.Quote:
Why would he call me if he is not that interested in me
Stop wasting your time with someone who ain't going to give you what you need, and get out in the real world, and find your own happiness.Quote:
My fear is never having anyone,and it gets worse as you get my age(49), believe me!!
49 is hardly the end of the world, as I am 54, and hope to be in my second prime very soon.
Adjust your attitude and outlook, and the world will change, and it starts with leaving the old playa alone, and focusing on YOU.
I hate not to be his friend. As I have always been a great friend. Some friends come and go, but I am the type you can rely on for friendship(thats how I was raised) I don't want him to think I don't care about his Dad being sick(they were very good to me and loved me) So I would like to be kept up on how his Dad is. I know 49 is not old, but it is easier for a man your age or mine to find someone. I seem to find men that want younger women or they are angry at the world(due to there ex) I am trying everyday to be positive about love. I guess I thought being I was what he wanted - I had a chance with him. When you feel that spark, its hard to get rid of it in your heart(even if he doesn't have the spark for me) Its just been hard being alone, when no family and my friends don't seem to get it. So I guess that's why I wanted to try and get him back-I know foolish.
Not foolish, misdirected maybe, but hardly foolish. You need a support group, or people around you, that can appreciate that giving quality you have. This is a great time of the year for some volunteer work.
I also suggest you close, and lock the door on this friendship, and focus on the things that you enjoy.
Looking for men, is a waste of time, at any age. Building a life that makes you happy, is the real thing to do, and making friends that way, is both healthy, and rewarding.
It also helps you to love yourself, and do good things for you. So get past that fear, and try something new, and different, and start being good to yourself.
I started volunteer work with children and the elderly. My friends just don't seem to understand what I am going through, so I just don't talk about it anymore. I just smile, try to be happy and love myself more than I use to, I have to say. And I have seen counselors, but they don't quite understand what its like after divorce-so I don't know where to turn. And this guy came when I least expected it. So how can a man be a waste of time? I try not to look for one, but men and women do want copanionship and I am sur most people want love. They say love comes when you least expect it, and I have got nothing from no one and it just hurts so bad. So I try to be a good friend to everyone and not be sad around anyone.So your saying no friendship, no excepting his calls, and don't get my hopes up that he could very well want me. I have never been friends with a guy and would have liked to, but that heart of mine is getting in the way. I am at my end. I have tried and tried out there and I am a great friend and a nice, giving person, and still I have no one. Its hard to be completely happy when you just want to shar your life with someone. I hope someone out there understands. It is much harder than I thought to be alone. Thanks for everything.
Evidently your divorce was very hard on you and I am sorry you had to face the aftermath…its not easy for anyone (I have a sibling that went thorough divorce and it was ugly – its been five years and they are still dealing with issues). Not talking about it is not going to help you deal with your situation. Your friends should understand but they may have given you advice and you have a hard time accepting what they are saying. So, they have their lives and their own issues too…sometimes people have a way of detaching from the situation if their efforts are hopeless and they give up.
This guy came when you least expected it because you where not waiting for Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong, you where continuously living to your needs and wants (which is what you should continue to do)…it was not a waste of time; it was a pleasant gathering of two adults and it didn’t work for one of you. Everyone wants to be loved and feel loved equally, everyone wants a friend and a lover, someone to trust and care about them…this is our nature. If it’s not mutual though you can’t force it…why would you want to subject yourself to that and to the rejection? I think that if you can’t accept friendship with him then how can it evolve to anything else? I don’t think you should ignore him or not answer his calls…but if your emotionally not ready (your heart gets in the way) to be his friend then how do you expect to move on to the next step (you where married you know all about this-don’t belittle yourself). Letting things happen naturally and if they don’t, they simply won't. You will have to face it; will you be just his friend? Can you just accept his companionship and nothing else? Love does come when you least expect it; not to say that every potential relationship that comes is meant to be.
My heart pours out to you and I am so sorry for your loss and loneliness, but please don’t let that be the grounds of why you need this new guy in your life because you are not truly being honest with yourself or with that partner. I have heard in numerous posts that you said you do volunteer work and that is great but how about doing something for you? You said you only volunteer some days and not others so curb it with some self-empowerment techniques.
I hope you heard me; I just feel bad for you and really think you need to move on as difficult as it is.
Best and warmest wishes
Xox
My husband abandoned me in the middle of nowhere(after talking me into selling and moving) took money and everything else. Found out that he had planned it to be with another. Never found him,so got divorce and have moved on. My friends say I should have went after him for the money. Wasn't worth it for me. It was verbally and physically abusive(he drank,etc) So after meeting numerous men such as that, I finally met this nice guy-total opposite so I thought great this is what I want and he told me I was his list. So I really thought this was the guy-he was with me. My friends have never been through this(don't wish it on them)they say get over it and move on. Its not easy, when your'e alone. Sure I volunteer,do things with the girls, the gym for me, but it doesn't make up for the loneliness. I still come home to an empty house. That sucks. I would like to be friends, but I don't want to always be the one to initiate a call. I miss him and was hoping he would miss me. I believed him when he said he would like to be friends. I have tried to be a good friend. I guess I was a fool to think he would want me. I can't help how I feel about him. But there is that tiny bit of hope and that seems to be all I have anymore. All I want is someone to love and someone to love me and I am finding that very hard to find. Thanks again.
<All I want is someone to love and someone to love me and I am finding that very hard to find>
Packer, you need to love yourself first, you need to build a great life for yourself , when you do , men will flock towards you , you will be beaming and bright and happy without a care in the world.
You probably need to heal from your past relationship, it sounds like you still have a lot of hurt from it.
Until we heal it is hard to really move on.
You are not ready to be his friend.
I see how difficult that must have been to feel abandoned, slipped the pink note for someone else and taken for a ride. This is not acceptable and you have not taken steps to take what was rightfully yours... a portion of the marital assets. I think that you deserve your portion but for you to just give up without a fight was a shock to me... you should seek it out but if you feel that you do not need anything then all the power to you; you are the most self-righteous individual I have ever met. I just wanted to say that your ex-husband will get his later. Karma has a way of coming to everyone and by the way he treated you, his outlook is not going to be a good one. Your ex does not sound like a very nice man and you are probably better without him and I can understand that meeting someone who is completely opposite (someone with those same traits) is what you needed in the first place. From a previous post I note that you dated this new guy for 5 months…this is not nearly enough time to establish him as “meant-to-be”. Maybe meant-to-be for the duration, meant-to-be so you know what you want, but not meant-to-be because Mr. Meant-to-be is on his way? I see he said you where on his hit list…that does not sound comforting and I would have taken a step back and said “well if I am on your hit list…what happens when you have me?” Even though there are some nice guys; even the nice guys have their faults. I wouldn't initiate the call unless you are ready to go for a coffee or Christmas drink for just that…for just companionship for now…maybe for a while... maybe for the duration/remainder of the relationship. If he isn't initiating to contact you that obviously tells you something about him.Quote:
Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine
I quoted myself again, I am not sure if you heard me but your response indicates you haven't. You are turning to this man because like pandora2 said, you haven't dealt with your past issues and need to concentrate on yourself. It sounds like you have taken steps for self-improvement but not self-empowerment... there is a difference between the two. I see your going out…its coming home that's the issue. Have you thought of maybe redecorating? Or maybe adopting a pet as animals are extremely therapeutic and their love is unconditional? Or get a roomy who is compatible to your traits/personality? Or join a "support group" with other women going through similar situation? Getting in touch with your inner child? I am exasperated for words. You don't need a man to make you feel whole and you don't need a man to make you feel loved if you're content in your own skin and have accepted your circumstances that have led you here. A woman has great power over her life once free from the shackles of burden from an abusive, self-absorbed SOB so embrace it and bloom.
I have a friend that is hitting her 40's, she has turned to men for love, changing them, they fail her and she moves on to the next trying to find the right man... she has spent so much time looking for love in all the wrong places that she swallowed her education, settled for a career that is far less deserving then she is capable of, claimed bankruptcy and now supports a good for nothing, non-working, alcoholic/gambler that she can't get rid of because he emotionally guilt trips her that if she leaves or kicks him out he has nowhere to go. He doesn't want kids and they live like roommates... can you settle for this type of lifestyle? No, you are better then that and wiser then that... you need to love yourself and come to terms with the truth of your very being. You are capable of doing anything you put your mind to and don't settle for anyone that offends you or your morals.
Best of luck again.
I just told another poster, that its unrealistic to think of someone in the long term, after only a few dates.
I think the same thing applies to you. Its always disappointing to put long term hopes, on short term facts. (meeting a nice guy)
That's a little to soon in my opinion, to have long term hopes.Quote:
I was with a man for about 4-5 months.
As you have seen those facts, are subject to change, and be better defined after learning more.( that nice guy is not ready for what you want) Don't set yourself up for disappointment, by having unrealistic goals. Enjoy the now, and deal with what comes tomorrow, when it gets here. Now have fun and enjoy yourself, or at least, learn how to.
The ideal situation would be to be friends with this fellow, and enjoy getting to know him better and see what happens, and if it doesn't blossom into more, then accept it and keep moving forward.
The only reason everyone tells you to leave the guy alone, is because your own unrealistic hopes for more, are hurting you, and at that point you must back off the situation.
Stop looking for that life mate, and you will make many friends. I guarantee it.
To the previous posts. I wasn't looking for a man when he just appeared. And I have been through more than most and feel better about myself more than I have in along time. I know all of you say we don't need a man, but it is nice to be cared and loved and have some companionship. This man I may not have known long, but he was everything in a man I was looking for and he said the same of me( I had everything in a woman he was looking for)
It just hurt when out of nowhere he stopped everything with me. I have tried to be a good friend as he said he doesn't want to lose my friendship. So the last ime I called we talked like friends and I asked him if he ever wanted to meet for coffee and he didn't say yes or no. So I am confused by what a man means when he says friends. I need to wait to see if he contacts me, especially since he is a nice guy and I guess I will no where friendship stands with him. I am the friend that people can count on and he knows I will be a good friend. I guess this will prove if he really says what he means when it comes to being friends. I have just been through so much in the last few years that I thought being he was the opposite of my ex and a nice guy he would really like me and appreciate me. I know I have friends but they have their families and they can't make up for that loss in my heart. I just thought it would be easier to get over someone you really care and just seem to click with. I know I can't make someone want me, but I would like some friendship with him someday. I know someday there is something out there for me. I am trying each day, myself esteem has come a long way since all this hurt and I am trying everyday to love myself more and more. Thanks so much.
You can't make someone love you or want you !
Your friends say try to get him back but dear you can't get back what you never really had.
If you can be friends without always pining for more and making yourself sick over it than go for it. But it sounds like this is a one way street and he has been honest with you and said he does not want you.
Move on and spare yourself the pain and embarrassment.
Hate to be so harsh but many of us have loved someone who didn't return our feelings and you just have to look
Elsewhere.
Or not look elsewhere and just enjoy being single.. it's not like it's a death sentence or anything ,it can be a lot of fun!
Believe me .there is someone for everyone!
I am 54 and I have been in and out of love more than once and when it is right it does not sound like this... let it go.
I met the love of my life at 43 and I never expected it! Out of no where!
Some old adages do stand true*when you least expect it your love will come*.
I wasn't looking ,I had given up on it and then wham... so enjoy your life and make it full without a man in it.
Blessings
I know there is someone for everyone. It just seemed like it was meant to be. When he told me often that I was the woman he was looking for, I had hopes that this guy really wanted something with me. It hurt because you don't tell someone that for 5 months and then just stop suddenly and say to me I just don't have the feelings I am suppose to have to you. I feel he should have known long before that, as he knew what my feelings were for him. I know they say when you least expect it. But its hard when you love someone and care for them. He knows how I feel and wants to be friends. That confuses me. It also hurts but I am willing to be his friend and I hope he will be mine. Thanks a bunch. Trying everyday to go on and get through this hurt. (its just so hard to look elsewhere when this man was what I visioned and had everything a woman would want in a partner.) I know I never had him, but being friends maybe the answer. Maybe he'll want was he doesn't have. Thanks.
I do know you can have a full life being single, but I certainly would like to share my life with someone. I also try very hard not to get my hopes up. And I try to be a positive person everyday at work or home. Some of my friends say I am too positive, happy and too nice. But those traits are me. So I am trying everyday.
Hay Packer... sounds like this guy played you in a way.. telling you that you were what he was looking for and because you were ready to believe it and you wanted someone you became a victim.
Screw that friend thing.. he knows you care so he most likely wants to be a friend with benefits.. which means in real language he wants you there to be his booty call girl but not have to have any of the responsibility of a real relationship.
He wants to be friends so he can take you out to dinner or does he want to be friends so he can help you paint your kitchen or does he want to be friends so you can be there for him?
I would ask him what he means by friendship and go from there.
I bet his idea is a whole lot different than yours.
One sided friendship is what you will probably end up with.
Sorry for the bluntness but its my bane.
Best of luck and Im still here to talk... Michele
Thanks Michele. I have to say he was a real gentleman. There was never no benefits with him. Not that intimate. And that was fine with me, as it was refreshing to find a man that wanted to get to know me. But your'e right. I would like to know what he means by friends. We did things for each other, and he was so nice and so appreciative. Never had anyone that was nice, giving and a gentleman. I just had hopes that he was the guy. I know he never met to hurt me as he was sorry that I was hurt. But he doesn't call or come over as friends would, and I miss him very much. We were so alike and had so much in common. I want him back, but I want him to want me. So I try everyday to forget him, but I can't. I cry everyday cause my heart hurts so much. And it seems like no one wants a nice gal or even wants me. I am just so sad. He meant more to me than anyone realizes. I thought because he was a truly nice guy, I wouldn't get hurt again. I find him and I can't seem to have him want me. Wish I knew what the answer is. I am just so confused by him telling me one thing and then he's gone. Feelings, don't they come with time or do we have that spark right away? Thanks a lot.
Michelle is right, as your investing too much to fast, and he is not. For whatever reason he doesn't want what you want. Cheer up, leave him alone for a while, and as he came along so will some one else. Don't hold on for more when there is none. All things happen, in their own time and way.
I know I invested time, but I really liked him, more than I thought. And I haven't called him as I was hoping he would call me. He said he wanted friendship, so I am to assume he is not being truthfil there or is friends with a man not the same as with a woman. So your all saying there is no hope that this guy would even want me, even as a friend. Just gets real depressing when your aways alone. Friends and everything I do doesn't make up for all the loneliness. Thanks.
And you are all right. He doesn't want what I want, so why would he want to be friends with me. I have so many friends, saying this and saying that(I am too nice-be nasty, I need to get him back and they will help, or ditch him and let him know) None of that is me, I am not nasty and sure I want him back, but yes I want him to want me. I guess I figure there has got to be a man out there. Too many of my friends are negative about what I am going through and life. My heart says one thing and my mind another. I feel like such a fool(thought this man was for real) and at my age I should know better. I figured this time around I found someone whom really cared for me. Thank you all for being honest and upfront with me. I know being single is okay, but I do want that someone in my life like so many other people have.
Hey just wondering how you are now?
I still cry everyday. He called on my birthday but didn't want to go out with me. That hurt as we celebrated his day and I thought as a friend he would do that. He said he only wants to call me as a friend , that's what friendship is to him, not seeing one another. That hurts a lot. He is dating another but I still want him back. He is the man for me. It is so hard out there. I am ready to give up. No one seems to want a nice person, but only as a friend. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so lonely everyday and don't know where to turn. Thanks all for your kindness.
I have already stated how I felt about your unfortunate situation on two previous posts and I hate to say it again but you need to move on I really hope you take those few difficult steps forward.Quote:
Originally Posted by packer04
There is a great book called 'starting over'by john grey
It is fantastic, please read it,
This is not all about this guy but your previous abandonenments,
You need to heal and move on , create a happylife and then you will attract real love.
Let this guy go.
What do you like to do for you?Quote:
Originally Posted by packer04
I'm kind of the same type of person - I'm 29, single, live alone, work all day, come home to an empty apartment at night, was played by a "really nice man who didn't want benefits, only wanted to get to know me," alone, and with no prospects on the horizon. But I'm content. I've found the balance between wanting someone and needing someone.
I don't need a man, I'd like a man, but I don't need one. I need coffee. I need me-time. I need my family. I need my job. I need my car. I need food. I need coffee (did I already say that? :) ) I don't need a man.
You've got to figure out the things that you need. Write down a list of things that are basic, bare-bones, bottom line needs in your life. A man will not be on that list. You don't need a man to survive.
Then, you make a list of things that you would like. I'd like to go back to Europe. I'd like to learn more about photography. I'd like to someday meet a man and get married. I'd like to visit Toronto. I'd like to become a famous author.
Post these lists on your refrigerator or on your bathroom mirror. When you find yourself wanting that man that you think will complete you, remember, you don't NEED a man, you WANT a man, but you don't NEED one.
I wish you the best. I'm here for you! :)
I like you Historian Chick, you sound right up my alley... my list of things I need:
1. Coffee
2. Coffee
3. Refer to Number 1
:)
Time, Time and more Time. That's what heals you as you build for yourself, a life that makes you happy. The more you do for yourself, the more you heal. That's what you need, to heal.
I know time heals and I am trying to forget him, but its very difficult when this man just was what I wanted and still want. Hes everything I want in a partner. Hes exactly me. I felt in my heart he was the man for me. I know that sounds silly, but you just seem to know. Its just hard, it's the holidays and being alone is difficult. I am a great gal whom thought I would have love in my life again. When he said I was it, that made me feel like this is the one. He was a nice guy, not a bad boy and it was so refreshing to finally find a nice guy. Its just confusing that after that many months with me, he didn't feel anything for me.(how can one not feel anything for a person) I don't get men. I try everyday to move on, but I still miss and think of him. He means a lot to me and I will always be his friend. That's what friends are for, to be there. So out there thanks for the advice, I am trying to forget him as more than a friend.
Merry Christmas!!
Merry Christmas to you, and may you forget this guy, and heal, and be ready for one that feels the way you do, he does not.
You are right. I need to forget about him, even as a friend. As his idea of a friend is very little friendship. And I need to heal. How? I am still trying to figure that out too. Thanks for all your advice and I hope that the right guy is out there for me. Thanks again.
Healing is about taking time away from a certain situation, in your case, taking time away from your ex. Fill your life with things that mean a lot to you, including family and friends, and DO NOT CONTACT your ex. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. In short, healing is all about building a life you enjoy and that makes you're a better person. Make yourself happy, and the rest follows. That is how you heal!
Thanks everyone. I made it through the holidays, but they were lonely. I still think of him everyday and night, even cry at times. I just have a hard time forgetting him. He was the right guy, and when that guy comes along it means everything. I know we are just friends, but he is in my heart. He called me Christmas Eve. It was nice to talk to him. I so care for him. I know he doesn't want me like I want him, so its hard to get over him. I guess I just don't get it. I am finding it hard to get over a nice guy. They don't come around that often. My heart just seems empty without someone to enjoy life with. I fill my time up and do my thing, but I am still alone. I just hope someone out there feels the same way I do, some Mr. Right. Thanks for the advice. I am trying everyday to be stronger.
Hi Packer, I don't think your ready to be a friend to him, and its hard to get over someone who you pin so much hope on, and still talk to him. That's torture I know.
I can only suggest, focusing elsewhere. And being not so available to this fellow. Until your emotions for him are under better control.
You need an extended period of No Contact, just for your own peace of mind, and the longer you put it off, the longer it will take to heal your wounded heart.
I know easier said than done, I hear that all the time.
Good luck for the New Year.
You are right. I should not have any contact, but I feel like when he calls me its great. He only calls once in awhile and I know that's bad. I just have a hard time with getting over this guy. When I met him, I just had that feeling of he's the one, such a wonderful feeling and I had hoped that from him. I guess its just confusing to me-he seemed to be interested in me for 5 months, and then that's it. I had thought if a guy wanted you, he would keep seeing you, so I guess I was wrong. What is it with guys? I guess I am still hurt by the mixed signals I got from him. If he wasn't into me, he should have stopped seeing me. Isn't that the thing to do? I want to be his friend, but its hard when your feelings get in the way. I just feel like I failed with a nice guy. I don't want to go through rejection again with a nice guy. I thought this would be the one. I feel he is. I know its wrong to hang on and its not good for me. I don't want to ditch him as a friend as he did me. Does that make sense to anyone? I am just having a hard time getting over someone this wonderful. I never had anyone so good to me before. That's maybe why its hard to let go. I have to move on and get myself together. Its not easy. I have been through worse. People tell me someone will come along for me, someone that was meant for me. I have to think its true. Thanks everyone and have a Happy New Year!!
Elizabeth
Well I hope everyone here had a great New Year. I wanted to tell everyone what happened New Years Eve around 5pm. I emailed all my friends to say Happy New Year and this man Martin was included in that email. Not thinking he was, oh well. I got a call from him. I told him I wished him a Happy New Year. Hope his parents are well. Ask him about work and how he is. Told him I wish him happiness and hopes he finds the one. He said "I haven't yet found what I am looking for" and then he said change that " I don't think I will find what I am looking for". But he said I found the one, but she doesn't want me and I can't have her". I said maybe someday you will. Then we talked of him going to Maine and said have a great week. He wished me Happy New Year and have a great week. I had to ask him what was it with me, he said nothing with you and told me not to change a thing about myself-its him. I know he is still in love with a woman who broke things off in April. You could hear it. Well at least I know nothing about me is wrong and maybe someday we will be good friends again. I feel he could have had me, I am a great gal. He looking for something that's not there, but its right there in front of him. I still am sad for myself and him. It's a New Year and I am trying to move on. I know I can. I just have to get over him and see him only as a friend and nothing more. Thanks everyone.
You said it yourself, he isn't over his ex so why even try to be anything with him. You might think he's great but there's a lot of single great guys out there that would like the chance to connect with a person like you but if you going miss out on them if you continue to be stuck over this guy.
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