Threads merged
I've been talking with this girl I've met at church for about a month now. Mutual friends seem to think she likes me (she hasn't told them anything specifically about me), I get mixed signals. I was wondering how I am handling this/looking for tips + advice.

This girl is fairly shy and pretty religious. She has had a boyfriend before, but doesn't seem like she dates very much at all.

The good
- I seem to catch glances from her/she positions herself around me (ie sits next to me when we watch a movie in a group/always sits by me when we eat in a group)
- Always asks me if I am going to random xxx group event, invites me to random xxx group events.
- The other day I was talking to her best friend about her boyfriend and her friend immediately began asking me if I had a girlfriend. I said no. She asked if I liked anyone, I said maybe. Then she asked if I liked anyone at church. I said maybe to that as well.


The bad
- Last week I called her and mentioned I'd really had the urge to eat xxx for dinner that night, and ask if she was in the mood for it. She kind of danced around the question and pretty much finally said that it would be better if we could get a few people to go.
- A couple times when I called her (she was really busy) she took a few days to call me back
- When we part ways, I've never even gotten a hug until last night when I initiated one (it was pretty weak on her end) and she is a very huggy person.


We are def getting to know each other, and things are progressing, but VERY slowly. I'd like to keep getting to know her, but also avoid the dreaded friendzone. Other than some slight Kino and asking her to dinner, to be fair, I haven't made my intentions really known. The only Kino I've really done was yesterday when I'd randomly put my arm around her, rubbed her back gently and she didn't pull away, but didn't really respond back. I did play some wrestling types of fun + goofy games like that with her, and she laughed quite a bit + had fun, so I know she is not totally disgusted by me lol.

Thoughts/suggestions?

It sounds like you're on the right track. I think that if you just keep going as you are you have a good chance of having her for a GF.
Also you mentioned that she is quite religious and it seems that she's fine and happy to be with you in a social environment. I think she just wants to know you better so she can trust you to go out alone on a date... that you'll not make any passes at her. You should show her that you are a gentleman and you respect her a lot.
Really hope this helps:)

Keep getting to know each other, and if its going well down the road, and she seems comfortable, then ask her out.

There is no hurry, so don't rush or assume anything. Just pay attention, and see what happens. To early to over think, or put a lot of time, and efforts in to this.

The worst you can do, is rush into something she isn't ready for, so keep your life balanced, with other areas of your life.

Great advice, especially again from you TAL. I am trying to keep my life balanced. Every time I spend time with her, I see her opening up to me more/getting to know her better. I am just trying to walk the fine line of not rushing into things, but not getting friendzoned either.

Threads merged
I've been having fun and dating several girls in the last couple of months (nothing exclusive) and have a few that I KNOW like me. However, this one girl I've been "hanging out" with on and off since really the end of October has really taken my interest (we've both been out of town a lot, so it's hard to get together).

This girl is pretty religious and on the shy side when it comes to dating and stuff, and I am not sure that she likes me more than just a friend. However, I get "vibes" from her that she likes me. IE her best friend being inquisitive out of the blue and asking if I have a girlfriend, if I like anyone she knows, this girl is always willing to hang out with me whenever I ask her and she is around etc... Amongst other "vibes" that I get


We've got to know each other, and I was hoping to take it to the "We are atleast both interested in each other phase" if that makes sense to anyone? I am by no means wanting to get down on one knee and profess my undying love to this girl or anything like that, but also want to begin escalating this or move on.

Any tips on the best way to do this without making things weird/awkward? This girl goes to my church so I'd like to keep things from getting weird.

I was thinking of asking her to do something fun this weekend and then on the way home telling her that her friend made it clear that someone she knows likes me and asking this girl if she knows who that is. Suggestions?

Just ask her out... send her some flowers (not roses) or something. Be spontaneous. Go for it man!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...zd-284549.html

If this is the female, you just pay her more attention, and the others less. And then just tell her how you feel, and see if she feels the same.

Tal > Yes it is the same female. I am seeing wishy-washy signals from this girl. Yea, I know. Wishy-washy = low interest.

For instance, I sent her a txt yesterday asking if she was in town this weekend. She didn't respond back, but called me today asking if I could help her move some stuff in her apartment tomorrow. Makes me feel like I am being used a bit.

If she start sending me good signals, I will straight up ask her to dinner. If not, then it is her loss.

Sounds like she likes you but is afraid of getting hurt.. go for it I say. Do something romantic.

The worst is that she isn't interested but is flattered and you can continue being friends. Things only get awkward if you do. If it ends up that she doesn't like you then continue acting the way you did before and things will go back to normal.

You should give subtle hints that you like her, and see how she responds. If she indeed does like you, play hard to get. Try to let her see you with other women, and let her see what you are worth. Then if she is about to turn off, show that you are interested and ask her out. It has always worked for me. Good luck

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Originally Posted by catsman_123

you should give subtle hints that you like her, and see how she responds. if she indeed does like you, play hard to get. try to let her see you with other women, and let her see what you are worth. then if she is about to turn off, show that you are interested and ask her out. it has always worked for me. good luck

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This type of behaviour plays on the insecurities all people have. Not Nice and Unfair.

Me, I give her a hand. Never have I expect "good signals from a female". Maybe dinner is not the way to spark interest, but helping her move, may reveal something you need to know.

You get an address at least!

Thanks for the advice all. I've been over to her place a few times. I've hung out with her 1:1 a few times before. IE last week I asked what she was doing one night, and she said she had to run xxx errands, but would like me to come with her. So I know there is at least some interest, even if just on the friendship level.

However, I am just looking to spark things up to the "i know we are atleast both interested level"

From speaking with her, I can tell she is still at least somewhat hurt from a previous relationship. If she still needs time, Id like to give it to her. However, I just want to know where I stand and if there is any potential.

Quick update: I helped her move, then spent a few hours with her at a church party. I drove her home and then we just ended up talking for 4-5 hours until we both got pretty tired. We got to know each other pretty well. We talked about our pasts, what we want in life etc... We both seem to have a lot in common. She was pretty complimentary told me and told me how much she enjoys talking to me etc...

I have a couple of gift certificates to really $$$ restaurants, so I was going to invite her to one.

We are both going to be away for about a month where I won't get to see her. She asked if I wanted to get together to do homework one night this week (we go to different schools/very different programs so I know she is not just looking for HW help). I immediately responded that we should do something else and that Id like to surprise her. I was thinking of taking her to a really $$$ place to eat (she really doesn't have much of a clue what we are doing, I am going to call her today and just say "I am going to wear a suit tie, so you might want to dress accordingly. Ill pick you up at xxx")

I don't plan on getting too heavy, just keeping it light and casual and having fun.

Should I change plans and do something else? Thoughts?

Just quit over analyzing and do what you think is right...

Threads merged

I've been dating this girl for about a year now. Things have been pretty good between us. We didn't have any significant fights the entire time we were together. This have been going well for us as of late. A few weeks ago she told me she loved me.

Last night, we began to talk about things. She will be graduating soon (we are both in our mid 20s) and may need to move away for a job. I told her that while I am not ready to get married, I would like for us to get a bit more serious. She said that she is scared right now of anything serious (not with me, but with anyone). She is scared of things like settling down, buying a house etc... Really anything "adult" and serious To me, us staying together was just a waste of time. If things are not going anywhere, then it is a wasted relationship to me.

We had our talk and then slept next to each other last night. I woke up all throughout the night to hear her whimpering and crying. In the morning, she looked like a trainwreck. We spoke a bit more this morning. We both told each other how much we would miss each other and how much we enjoyed being together and how much we loved each other. She did not want to let go of me and finally I kissed her and left. I could hear her crying as I left the room.

Right now, I am just numb from this entire experience. I know I did the right thing, but considering how we left things and how I know we feel about each other, things do not make a whole lot of sense to me right now.

Why did you break up again?

So she did not want to make any plans to get married next week,but things change,relationships develop and grow.

Seems like she was very upset,and you too.

After nearly a year together,she tells you she loves you,so she had a pretty good idea about you and did not rush into it.

I'm not quite sure on what to advice you.

What is it that you want to do now..

Move on?

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Originally Posted by redhed35

why did you break up again?

so she did not want to make any plans to get married next week,but things change,relationships develop and grow.

seems like she was very upset,and you too.

after nearly a year together,she tells you she loves you,so she had a pretty good idea about you and did not rush into it.

im not quite sure on what to advice you.

what is it that you want to do now..

move on?

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Thanks for the response. The precise reason why we broke up is because she says she is not ready to do "adult" things like settle down. She will be finishing grad school over the summer, and stated that even things like finding a job, settling down and such scare her to death. I was looking at houses (just for me, nothing joint) and she mentioned the thought of that scared her as well. Overall, she is a pretty mature person though, even though she doesn't sound like it.

Basically, all I was looking for was affirmation that we could think about things getting more serious.

Over the year we were together, we took things fairly slow. We didn't live together or anything.

Honestly, right now I am not sure what I want. I am numb. I think I need to step back a bit and let things sink in. Christmas eve, I saw my grandmother for the final time and said goodbye to her which was very rough on me (she is dying of cancer) and now this happens.

A few years ago, I got engaged. And initially, the thought of "settling down" scared the tar out of me as well.

Reality seldom makes sense when it throws us curve balls.

Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know what's next. NORMAL, but the conflict is your seeing thing differently, or so it seems.

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I told her that while I am not ready to get married, I would like for us to get a bit more serious.

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What the hell does that mean to a couple that has been dating for a year, and sleeping together. That sounds serious to me.

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She said that she is scared right now of anything serious

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Seems you both are saying the same thing, and not knowing what you both mean.

Its inevitable, that's why she is crying as this signals the death of a relationship, and the shock, and grieving has begun.

This is not strange when you consider your both(?) unwilling to do what it takes, to keep this thing alive, in view of a changing reality.

Your supposed to be numb, and she is supposed to be crying. But it wasn't a waste of time though, you had your fun and now it seems over.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

I have to ask,do you not think this was all abit sudden?

This wanting to settle down?

What's the big hurry?

Being serious could be dating just each other,being true to each other and looking out for each other.

I do think perhaps your reaction was a little hasty,but what's done is done.

Move on with your life,go no contact.

I'm sorry about your grandmother,I'm sure it's a very hard time in your life,however in saying that you said 'now this happens'.. you did this,broke up..

Time to live with your decision,and move on.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Reality seldom makes sense when it throws us curve balls.

Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know whats next. NORMAL, but the conflict is your seeing thing differently, or so it seems.

What the hell does that mean to a couple that has been dating for a year, and sleeping together. That sounds serious to me.

Seems you both are saying the same thing, and not knowing what you both mean.

Its inevitable, thats why she is crying as this signals the death of a relationship, and the shock, and grieving has begun.

This is not strange when you consider your both(?) unwilling to do what it takes, to keep this thing alive, in view of a changing reality.

Your supposed to be numb, and she is supposed to be crying. But it wasn't a waste of time though, you had your fun and now it seems over.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

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Hey Tal, thanks for the great response as always. By serious, I mean to really start thinking about our possible future together. For instance, when she is done with school maybe she stays in the area for a year while we figure our future and possibly move from there. Or maybe we take the next step and start discussing things now.

Not sure what you mean when you say:

Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know what's next.


Really, it is her who is not ready.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

i have to ask,do you not think this was all abit sudden?

this wanting to settle down?

whats the big hurry?

being serious could be dating just each other,being true to each other and looking out for each other.

i do think perhaps your reaction was a little hasty,but whats done is done.

move on with your life,go no contact.

im sorry about your grandmother,im sure its a very hard time in your life,however in saying that you said 'now this happens'..you did this,broke up..

time to live with your decision,and move on.

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Thanks again with the response.

By serious, all I wanted to get at was the possibility of a future together and start planning for that possibility. To me, it seems like common sense in most relationships to be thinking about the possibility.

I suppose if you don't want the same things,its time to move on.

Her reaction,is what is confusing me.

Anyway,does not matter now.

Again,I suggest going no contact,and moving on with your life.

Sorry to hear your story Brian1231. I guess you both just want different things at the moment and for that reason you need to move on. It's sad when relationships end, particularly when the love is still present. I'm going through a similar break up - my ex said he loved me but wasn't ready to settle down and he knew I was. I said I was happy to continue dating as long as we could talk about marriage, kids happening one day but he couldn't see it happening. All I can say is try to move on with your life - that's what I am slowly doing, hard as it is :)

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Originally Posted by redhed35

i suppose if you dont want the same things,its time to move on.

her reaction,is what is confusing me.

anyway,does not matter now.

again,i suggest going no contact,and moving on with your life.

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Thanks. I am going to try to keep things simple in my life and move on. It is helpful for me to talk about these things. I've had 3 other serious gfs (which all lasted at least 1.5 years) and one where I was even engaged. While the shock and pain is there, being in this situation before is helping me cope.

In many ways, I can identify where she is coming from. When I finished school, "adult things" scared me too. Life is coming anyway, you have to face it.

Yes, her reaction scares me too. I didn't notice her acting any differently to me the last couple of weeks, and nothing triggered this. I am not sure.

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Originally Posted by brian1231

By serious, I mean to really start thinking about our possible future together. For instance, when she is done with school maybe she stays in the area for a year while we figure our future and possibly move from there. Or maybe we take the next step and start discussing things now.

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Is that the way you presented it, for her to hang around, and discuss the future?

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Not sure what you mean when you say:
Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know whats next.
Really, it is her who is not ready.

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She is seeing a time where she may have to move for her career. That's what I mean't, but you want her to stay around, and discuss the future, see the conflict between what you both may want to happen?

What keeps couples together is the willingness to work together no matter what fears you have, or what life throws at you.

You both seem more willing to walk away, than work with each other. It happens, when partners have different priorities, and goals.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Is that the way you presented it, for her to hang around, and discuss the future?

She is seeing a time where she may have to move for her career. Thats what I mean't, but you want her to stay around and discuss the future, see the conflict between what you both may want to happen?

What keeps couples together is the willingness to work together no matter what fears you have, or what life throws at you.

You both seem more willing to walk away than work with each other. It happens when partners have different priorities, and goals.

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Thanks again for the response.

The way I presented it was that I would like to see how things go and work together to form "our" future. I wanted to look at things and start think of ourselves and our decisions as us as a couple and not us individually.

I would like to work together, but also am fearful of waiting around until the summer to see what happens with her and the her career if she doesn't want to talk about things now and work through them.



I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that we've never had any kind of fight and didn't know how to work through things. Both of us were kind of confused. I still am. Why was she so upset? Just the other day, she was all excited about graduation and asked me to reserve her graduation date on my calendar.

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Originally Posted by brian1231

Thanks again for the response.

The way I presented it was that I would like to see how things go and work together to form "our" future. I wanted to look at things and start think of ourselves and our decisions as us as a couple and not us individually.

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But the individual hopes and dreams of partners is so important, especially to her, and as she embarks on the greatest challenge of her life, do you feel threatened or something that she is getting into a bigger world without you? Are you afraid of her challenge, or options and opportunities life will present to her as she learns and grows?

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I would like to work together, but also am fearful of waiting around until the summer to see what happens with her and the her career if she doesn't want to talk about things now and work through them.

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That's a false fear as the risk of keeping honest lines of communications open is far outweighed by the benefits of continuing to work together while you both grow as individuals.

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I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that we've never had any kind of fight and didn't know how to work through things. Both of us were kind of confused. I still am. Why was she so upset?

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You have a conflict now with expectations. How was it handled? By breaking up! Where was the honest communications? Do you think her knowing of your fear of losing her was an issue, would the outcome have changed, or would you have talked about it, addressed it, and found a solution to the problem, that worked for you both, this break up would have still occurred?

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Just the other day, she was all excited about graduation and asked me to reserve her graduation date on my calendar.

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And where is that now? You don't know do you? She has to be hurt and disappointed. I would cry to if my partner wasn't as happy as I was, for the biggest event of my adult life. That's a good thing to share.

Thanks so much again for the response, you are amazing.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

But the individual hopes and dreams of partners is so important, especially to her, and as she embarks on the greatest challenge of her life, do you feel threatened or something that she is getting into a bigger world without you? Are you afraid of her challenge, or options and opportunities life will present to her as she learns and grows??

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I am not at all afraid of what she is facing. In fact, I would love to experience new things with her.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats a false fear as the risk of keeping honest lines of communications open is far outweighed by the benefits of continuing to work together while you both grow as individuals.

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Perhaps it is a false fear. My main goal of the talk was to know that we were on the same page future-wise. I know that it may sound silly, but I just wanted to know if she was thinking about it like I had been.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You have a conflict now with expectations. How was it handled? By breaking up!! Where was the honest communications? Do you think her knowing of your fear of losing her was an issue, would the outcome have changed, or would you have talked about it, addressed it, and found a solution to the problem, that worked for you both, this break up would have still occurred?

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To me, any conflict we could have reasonably worked through is something I would have done. However, I am not sure how you can work through things when one person says they are not ready for a serious relationship. Especially have a year of dating.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

And where is that now? You don't know do you? She has to be hurt and disappointed. I would cry to if my partner wasn't as happy as I was, for the biggest event of my adult life. Thats a good thing to share.

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I was excited over her graduation. I always told her how proud I was of her and how proud of herself she should be.


She told me that it was up to me to contact her if I wanted to stay in touch with her or still talk or what not. For now, I am going to go NC while I figure this all out. In fairness to her, I was the one that pushed for the bu, not her.

Right or not, at the time; my biggest fear was wasiting 6-7 months while she figured out what she wanted to do with her life. I didn't think it was fair for me to put my life on hold while she figured hers out and if I was a part of it. If we had agreed that'd we'd be thinking about a possible future with one another, then I would have no problem helping her and giving her time to figure out anything.

Ever think that her idea of serious relationship could be different than hers? Instead of exploring that through honest communications, you walked away. That cut of communications you think? You cannot have clarity, and understanding without communications. How else would you know that it would have been a waste of time without those key facts?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Ever think that her idea of serious relationship could be different than hers? Instead of exploring that thru honest communications, you walked away. That cut of communications you think? You cannot have clarity, and understanding without communications. How else would you know that it would have been a waste of time without those key facts?

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I think I did act rash by ending communication. I kind of regret that now. I think I will give it a few days and maybe call her if it is right then.

I think the talk we had SHOULD have been something to open the door for further communication, and not close it.

I can see where both of you are coming from. Pretty tough spot. You seem to be trying to ask her whether she would truly take a job that takes her away from you. I think you are looking for her to say something like "no matter what happens, I want you in my life". It probably sounds to her like "promise me you will make this relationship your first priority." Or something along these lines. Something I had to learn the hard way, was to take things one day at a time.

Proposing marriage is when you are asking someone to actually consider that promise. Proposing a proposition is kind of a wimpy way of saying "look, I don't know if I want to marry you (or maybe I'm afraid to ask), so promise me you have know intention on breaking up with me for a while.

I used to do this crap to my last GF. Except I did it differently. When she thought about going to grad school, she wanted me to look for jobs in the area of the colleges she was looking at. I said I wouldn't move somewhere else just for someone I dated. The truth is, I loved her enough to propose and I certainly wanted to, but something just didn't feel right about it. So instead, I just kept "making sure" she wanted to get married, while I tried to figure out what was keeping me from doing so. It actually took me a long time after the breakup to see that I was doing this. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I justified these fears by her actions after she got frustrated enough with me. I still do.

My point is, the only thing you are really asking of her (IMHO) is whether SHE will give up certain options in her future for you.

Threads merged


Hi all,

I got back with the girl I broke up with for a few days in January, and we have gotten closer since then. Things have been going well, but both of us have been busy with school but still make time to see each other several times a week. (We are both going to grad school, and are both in our mid 20's)

I really care for this girl, and would like to be with her for a long time, I am not talking marriage YET, but would like ton continue on with the course of things. However, she is still looking at most likely moving to find a job in a few months once she graduates, which would obviously put a damper on our relationship.

I am torn how to proceed with her. Half of me wants to spend more time with her and get closer to her, the other half of me doesn't want to waste anymore time in a relationship which will most likely go nowhere (if she moves)

Like tonight for instance, some of my buddies want me to come out with them and go girl hunting. I'd much rather grab dinner and a drink with this girl, but I feel like I might be missing an opportunity to go out and meet someone who will actually be sticking around. I've been in relationships in the past where the girl moved, or I held onto things for too long and I just wasted a lot of time.

I guess the right thing to do is to talk to her and let her know precisely how I feel. I feel like I've done that before, but her essential stance is that she has to do what is right for her (which I agree with). I am also a bit confused by her actions. Each of us have been in several serious relationships before, and both agree that this one is very good. The only fight of any kind we've had in ~17 months of dating is over her job situation and where she will be.

Thanks all

No matter the risks of being hurt, disappointed, or rejected, you can't half step with another human being. Either your all in, or all out.

That's just to be fair, but also in fairness to yourself, don't put all your eggs in one basket yet as you have no commitment she will do the same, but staying within the bounds of good behavior is highly recommended, as you can run with the boys hunting for girls when, and if you become "single" again.

That you both have agreed to continue to explore this relationship together and see what happens, honor it, as you expect her too, otherwise what's the point? You may have well just been friends, right, and been free to do as you want.

Know one knows what the future holds, and if you're afraid to face it, then crawl under your bed, and stay out of a relationship.

Tal > Thanks for the response. You really are the best. I wasn't going out to see how many girls I could get with by any means, but is more of an attempt to see what else is out there. I guess I just don't want to spend the next 3-4 months just worrying if she will be moving.


Like I said, I am torn if I should try to get closer to this girl, or just move on.

Don't you think she feels the same way? Of course she does!

Why be distracted by endless worry, when you can be enjoying it, and see what happens. What the freak did you get back together for, if not to continue to love, support, and see what happens next?

Look I can understand your concerns, but be mature about it. Have you talked about a long distance relationship? What will happen if she does go to school?

Instead of worrying, talk, and listen to each other. Share those feelings, and understand hers. Maybe this will break you up, so what? Coping with the realities of life on an adult level, is what its about. Deal with what you have now, as you can always make time to see what's out there, later.

Keep in mind you were already broken up, but went back together knowing what was coming. Why did you both do that?? This is no time for hidden agendas, so be honest with yourself here!!!

You are either in this 100% or you're not.

You can't have it both ways. You need to think about what you want in a relationship and see if she is giving it to you. If she is dead set on moving away, then you have to weigh that against your needs.

If you both really want this to work, have you thought about moving with her?

Thanks for the responses all. We've been talking a lot over the last month. We've been spending a lot of time together and have been getting closer. She's pretty much made up her mind that she is going to move, but would like to continue to see me.

The last 2 days she has had nothing to do but apply for jobs. She has said that she hasn't applied for any because she is having a hard time taking that first step to leaving me. We talked about it a lot last night and she cried and I can tell it has been bothering her a lot lately.

She says the main reason she wants to leave is because she will regret it if she doesn't. She feels she needs to prove it to herself that she can go somewhere new, and experience something new.


I am still torn right now. Half of me just wants to end it with her. I feel like if she really did love me and was ready for a serious relationship, she would stay. I've offered to compromise with her (Stay in the area a bit longer and then move together), but she does not seem very receptive to that.

The other half of me feels like we are very good together and maybe this is her last wild oat she needs to sew and things will work out.

Thanks all.

The choice is yours, but relationships that turn into long distance relationships are VERY hard to maintain.

Good luck.

I think you let her go, and let her deal with what she has to on her own terms. She knows she can't maintain a relationship with you and focus on what's ahead, and she may be right and re reading your posts, its time to let go on good terms and you both find out what's ahead for you as individuals.

I think reality is making this choice for you, and its time for a very clean break, and some healing, before you can both grow, and meet the next big challenge,