I Was Engaged To Be Married 2 Yrs. Ago. I Was With Him For 4 Yrs. We Met New Year's Day 2000, Got Together May 1, 2000, Broke Up For The First Time New Year's Day 2003,but Then We Got Engaged May 1, 2003. I Set Our Wedding Date For New Year's Day 2004. I Had The Day, Place, Dress, Rings, Preacher, And Everything. But... while We Had Broken Up, That One Time, He Got His Cousin's Baby-moma Pregnant. Him & His Cousin Have The Same Baby-moma . I Still Got Engaged To Him After Knowing This Fact But I Couldn't Marry Him Because Of It. Before The Wedding. I Was Sooo In Love With Him, I Am Still In Love With Him, I Will Always Love Him, And Will Never Stop Loving Him. Now 2yrs. Later I See Him Occasionally And I Can't Seem To Get Over Him. He Also Has An Unsteady Girlfriend, Now. While I'm Single. I Don't Want Anybody But Him. I Feel Like I Missed Out On My One True Love. I Feel Like I've Lost My Soul-mate. I'm Messed Up For Life Because I Can't Seem To Move On From This. I Could Date 10000000 Guys But... I'm Stuck... on Him... I Don't Know What To Do.

Address this to him if you REALLY REALLY want him back.
No one here is going to get him back for you, that's something you yourself have to do.. alone.

Just - are you sure you want to be back with him now that he has a child from another women?
Are you prepared?

I agree with Krs - about where to share your thoughts - with this guy. That will allow you to find out if he feels the same way as you do... that will dictate the direction things will take. Try to take the drama out of the situation and get some data about what's going on. You aren't messed up for life... you'll get through this...

I think you should not be with him - period - end of story.

Move on to someone new. There are more loves in your life.

Don't be with him. Don't contact him.

This is a big mess you should not be involved in.

You sound young and just give this time and grow.

Applelonia, please turn off your Caps Lock as you are SHOUTING at us all.

Yes I have already PM'd this member a coupls of times about this, but they are being ignored.

You need an attitude adjustment, because you are to young to know what life has in store for you. If you gave yourself half a chance to find out what life and the people in it are about I'll bet you'd be surprised to know that everyone goes through that period in life when we want something so bad it leaves a hole in our soul. But cheer up and look around at all the people you could be friends with and the things you enjoy doing. Really its all up to you so quit moping and start living and find healthy relationships. They are there for you, just go get 'em!

I know he probably isn't good for me but I can't help how I feel. I don't know how to help how I feel for hom. I have to rease his number from my phone every time he calls so I won't call him just to hear his voice. I jump EVERY time he asks for me to do anything for him, just to show I care. I am conforted by the fact he asks me for things or to do something, at least he is thinking of me at that moment. Even if in reality he is only thinking of himself. I hate myself for feeling so strong for him that I can't move on with anybody else. I'M MESSED UP AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET ON TRACK. HE WAS MY WORLD FOR 4yrs NOW I CAN'T SEEM TO LOVE AGAIN... I'M STUCK

Oh... I didn't know about the caps... new to all of this... sorry:( I'm 26

Maybe you should learn how to stop feeling so strongly about him.

Start by :-
Get a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons about him.

You have a whole life ahead of you, try not waste it on someone you can't have.

I have been there done that, although I was in high school back then, what about a century ago, LOL. Take my word for it time does heal all wounds. Although I still think about my first love, I have been able to move on.

Best advice I can give is to surround yourself with other friends, keep yourself busy, keep your mind busy.

This is a great place to keep the mind busy by giving others advice. As you can see, all you need is experience to give advice here. This place is addictive.

It can be a powerful feeling... love. At first you feel so wonderful, but when it doesn't work out its like you are dying. But you don't. You have some wonderful suggestions here. I would only add this... there is a terrific book called "Women Who Love Too Much" that you might want to look into for the sake of your future. I read it quite some time ago and began to understand matters of the heart better as a result. It helped me to establish the differences between young puppy love crushes, co-dependent love and real well-balanced mature love. Its an easy book to read too. I hope that helps.

I'm not trying to oversimplify... just a tip and an idea (both just opinions).

1. Focus on and celebrate the good things you have. If you can't think of any, you're not thinking hard enough.

2. Talk to a Priest. Yes, I mean a Catholic Priest. Generally, they are awesome listeners and to boot experienced in giving good guidance... and it does not matter whether you are Catholic or not. The Associate Pastor at my Church tells me he sees several non-Catholics per day.

I and my family will pray for Peace for you, applelonia.

All else fails seek professional help.

The only way those feelings will go away id if you stop all contact - move on - work on yourself. Hang with friends, family, hobbies, religion, school, work harder at work, WORKOUT!! TRAVEL!!

Obsessive love is very unhealthy for you. It controls your life. Even Wildcat has been there at times.

You have to STOP jumping for this guy. Stop.

Lovers are only part of your life - not your life... heartache only happens whe nyou make them your life - IT'S wrong and very unhealthy.

For goodness sake, he cheated on you!

There must have been something missing from the beginning or you would not have had second-thoughts about getting married.

He obviously is not pining away for you now, and he didn't before. He's going about his merry way - and that's exactly what YOU should be doing.

Have some self-respect for yourself, be confident knowing that you did the right thing, or you would have wound up very unhappy. It seems that you cannot communicate with him, nor trust him, so what on earth is left??

In a few years, you'll be able to look back and tell yourself that you did not lose alove... you won freedom and independence to develop and grow until the right man for you comes along.

Hang in there, dear, you'll get over it.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifMeet new people, make new goals, dream new dreams.
What I did after a break-up was watch comedy and go to concerts.

If you really feel that he is 'The One' - then you have to talk to him.
2 years is a long time to still be mourning a relationship, so the only person who can fix the situation is yourself.
Talk to him about it, if he doesn't feel the same way - then you have closure, and it'll be much easier to get over him, if he does feel the same way, then you 2 could work at making it a healthy relationship.
If you can deal with him having a baby with another woman, what's holding you back?

Thank you all... I have this daily struggle that I am coping with because I still associate with him. I just need to have the ability to move on instead of being stuck with these overwhelming emotions. This is what I am dealing with, I'm sure there are some vets with love that can just throw their feelings to the side and pretend they never were in love, I'm working on that... I guess

Only time will fix this - be busy with other things.

Get this guy out of your head. Don't play his games - because HE KNOWS he controls you emotionally - which is a form of abuse - which is extremely unhealthy.

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Originally Posted by applelonia

Thank you all.....I have this daily struggle that I am coping with because I still associate with him. I just need to have the ability to move on instead of being stuck with these overwhelming emotions. This is what I am dealing with, I'm sure there are some vets with love that can just throw their feelings to the side and pretend they never were in love, I'm working on that....I guess

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Actually some of us have been exactly where you are and have learned the painful truth-Move on! The keyword is painful but it has to be done or we get stuck and drown in our own s**t! Its all part of growing to be a healthy happy human being. Choose to live and be happy!

J 9 says it right, time does heal wounds. You have to really sit down and think very serously on this. If you say you cannot get over him as you say, are you are willing to take him back, will you accept the fact that he has a kid from someone else, whom he will see and probably help out when need to if he's a good father? If you not go this route, just stay busy. Again, time will eventually heal this wound.

Nobody is suggesting that you turn emotionally cold. We know how hard it is to fall in love with someone that lives in the same street, same town, same city, etc. We also know that it hurts like heck! We are just suggesting that you try and learn to live with the situation that you cannot change - that's called Survival.

Growth and maturity is not limited to any age, and we can grow and mature until the day we leave this planet. It depends on the attitude we have toward each other and ourselves.

Gain some assurance and confidence that you have every right to go through your 'mourning period', then get over it and start living life again.

Take one day at a time, look forward to some new things - maybe even better - each day. Try not to dwell on the past.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Well the funny thing about this is he didn't actually cheat on me because he conceived this baby while we had our first break up (which lasted 3mths)... and... I was the only one that couldn't take who he had a child with. I recently talked to him about my feelings... he thinks I do anything he asks me because I feel sorry for him, but I actually do it so he can feel my love for him. How do I stop loving him when I almost gave my life to him. How do I stop feeling as if he is my soulmate... that is my real daily dilema

I am not certain I can tell you how to stop the love. I can only tell you this. Every person I have ever loved, I still love. But some of them I don't spend time with... out of a sense that it simply won't work and someone always gets hurt. And I am just not about giving or getting hurt, not anymore. And that comes with time and discipline. It is work that we all do in our own distinctive way. And you will find your way too. Trust yourself that you will.

Well I have a doctor I work with that helps mental patients but he thinks I am just wanting for something that I can't/don't have anymore. He really didn't help because he sees how I am with others and he says all the time once I let my guard down the perfect man for me is going to sweep me off my feet and marry me with quickness just to hurry and get a good woman off the market. This did make me feel better but how can I be with anybody when I can't shake the love for this one??

I want a healthy loving relationship. I just don't know how to love again... I guess... really it is that I put a lot of time and effort into this one man and got him all the way to the alter... now since I walked away I can't help but to feel like I missed my chance to be a wife, to be with the only man I chose to marry, and to be settled down not having to look anymore. Because of this feeling I can't have a healthy relationship because this is my guard that I can't seem to remove... and... I don't want to be messed up like this... and alone

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Originally Posted by applelonia

This did make me feel better but how can I be with anybody when I can't shake the love for this one??????

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No need to shake anything, dear apple. It is possible to love more than one. And time will change some of the features of this love you are currently feeling too. It won't be such a yearning but more like a bittersweet tear or small hole in your heart. If I could pull out my heart and show you, it's beginning to look like a lace doiley... from unrequitted love, from relationships that couldn't work it out, from death or other forms of separation or loss. And none of that has stopped me from being vulnerable to others. I figure by the time I am ready to pop off this planet, it will be so lacey it will float away and me with it. LOL

You'll see how it changes over time too.

Meanwhile practice this handy thing: what you focus on tends to grow so deliberately focus on happy things. Try it... it works!

I have read that book not too long ago but it didn't make me feel better it actually made me feel worse because I am doing all the things that point in one specific direction I am just not getting anywhere fast. I got that book a year or so ago to help with this very situation.

A big part of life is adjusting to changes in relationships; i.e. people coming into our lives and leaving. It's not easy. The only person who will never leave you is Jesus.

I guess... I can give a little more detail to why I am soooo messed up... I am extremely picky (I'm sure everbody is). It took me over a year to even realize that I could have relationships with someone other than this guy that I was with for 4yrs. I had to move out the state to feel comfortable even dating (it is this dramatic for me) I met several potential guys to settle down with. Once I chose one that was perfect for me and I could finally give in... I got pregnant... 4wks after I told him... he died. I moved back... and this started... I can't seem to shake it

You have many good solid suggestions here. And so you will either use them and get results or you won't. Rehashing the problem won't do much so perhaps its time to get into the solutions?

I make a conscience effort to move on... I say to myself don't call him, erase his number, say no to his request, don't jump, please don't jump... he calls... I ignore it... he leaves a message... aahhh hearing his voice... he says my name in his message and I get all tingly... I listen... refuse to call him back no matter what (he never says why he called) He will call me several times in a row... like he needs me... only me... I answer... aaaahhhh his voice... oh how I love him I feel... and I immediately jump feet barely to the floor... This is what happens to me

Love for your child will make you wise! Put all that you have on the child and you will be fulfilled. Move on and concentrate on the things you HAVE to do and don't let anything sidetract you.

So if this is normal then what is the game plan. People say work more... I am at work... I'll be here for the next 3 days... take up a hobby... we shared the same hobbies so I think about him the entire time... hang out with friends... I do but that only lasts for a couple of hours. I need a long-term solution. I don't know how to get to that next step where it is not such a big thing. I don't want to be ruined for life and end up with nothing. I want to get over this somehow... I haven't been right since the day I decided not to get married. That is all I think about. I keep my faith that all things work according to God's will. It is just that I feel like this man is my soul-mate... this is hard for me to get past

First young lady concentrate on YOU! Get your act together so you can bring something to the table to HELP a relationship along. Yes I've read All your posts and you seem like a caring ,smart human being so I know you won't fall for just anything. No matter how you feel don't let some dude just come in your life with NOTHING that helps the relationship! You deserve a whole lot better and YOU really don't need a male to define who you are ! DO what YOU want and let the rest of the world chase you. YOU don't have to settle for anything but what you WANT!! :cool: :)

That is exactly my theme on a day to day bases... I promise... I look good on the outside but this situation is what plagues me on the inside. Nobody knows I have this struggle. I have people depending on me but I don't have anybody there to catch me when I fall. I thank you all for the positive advice. Once I have this one situation under control I think the working on me part will be complete (it never seems to completely be complete). I have taken time to gain; faith, healing, self-esteem, tolerance, peace of mind, respect, discipline for myself. I've been taking care of myself and my kids all by myself. This is just one main issue with myself I can't seem to accomplish.

Don't give up NO matter how life knocks you down,NEVER give up on yourself!
NEVER!

Exactly what part of him is it that you are so in love with? Is it the part of him that slept with his cousin's baby's mama or is the manipulative side of him that plays you like a fiddle. Please don't tell yourself that you make a conscious effort to move on because if that were true, you'd be miles away from him either physically or geographically. You're 26. You have so much to discover but won't because you refuse to give up this person who is so wrong for you. You need to say those words out loud to yourself over and over. Say it, know it. "I am choosing to live my life looking in the rearview mirror and I refuse to go forward and find someone who is truly admirable, respectable, loveable, caring, mature, giving and trustworthy because ..." and don't end that sentence with "cause I love him.." cause that's not the reason. Give that one some thought.

Currently... he has asked me to participate in several little projects with him. We used to be very close working side by side trying to make a business work. Now he says he is strruggling to start over from scratch in trying to accomplish this goal on his own. It is coming together. He has a lot of things going forward towards this. I am willing to lend my assistance without spending any money or neglecting any of my responsibilities. He is more like a hobby... I guess... but in the meanwhile... he's exactly what I originally fell in love with 6yrs ago, lived with for 4yrs,then excepted at one point to be with him for life... which makes it unbearable to function around him having to except that we are... nothing. I can't see myself with anybody else past, present, and/or future :confused:

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Originally Posted by applelonia

He is more like a hobby...I guess.....

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This reminds me of a saying I was told once about loving people and using things and not the other way around.
If it hurts to be around him and you choose to be around him, then its self inflicted... What more needs to be said?

Please - for the sake of a healthy mind - don't spend ANY time with this guy - work or other wise.

You are punishing yourself by continually seeing this person.
Maybe it is time to find a therpist (another one if you have already got one). They may be able to offer some more advice on putting this guy behind you where he belongs. You seem to be stagnating and not going anywhere.
However you aren't helping yourself in the slightest.
You really need to STOP seeing him in any context.