After 2.5 years of long distance, different regions of the country, we were planning on being in same area after college. She is now employed and I'm in grad school, but we didn't end up in the same location, due to financial reasons. Just went 3 months w/o seeing each other and we got to spend the last weekend together. For the last few months, there has been a lot of fighting, stress, etc, and the first night together we had a huge fight, both of us thought it was over. However, next day it was fine. After coming home, I was planning to schedule another trip to see her and she tells me she wants to be honest and is unsure of things, due to the fight after not seeing each other for so long. Se doesn't know if we get along or if its just the distance. After 2 days of talking, she says she needs time and wants to be alone. She says she doesn't think this is the relationship she wants right now, needs more out of it, but because of our busy schedules, we don't even have much time to talk at all usually. She says if I was there, this would not be an issue. So I told her I'm not going to visit if we are breaking up. She offered to pay half to fly to see her after the holidays, including staying at her parents' home for a few nights, and I do want to see her. So I agreed. I love the girl to death and want to be with her, but I am pretty sure its over after hearing what she feels/wants. But why would she fly me in and say when I ask what will it be like when I'm there, she replies, "it'll be us like it has always been?" am I making a mistake going up there? I told her how I feel and how I disagree with this time thing for the last time. I feel like I should just leave her alone now and see what happens? Don't contact her anymore? I'm pretty upset about it, but I figure leaving it up to her will help me get over this, because I don't see the relationship happening again. I'm just really confused why she wants to see me and be "us" in a month for the time I'm there? It has now been 3.5 years of long distance.

You are being very smart.

L.D.R Can be.. Uff so hard.. I know I am in one at the moment. And unless both of you are willing to put the work in.. It will fail

Yeah there is distance yeah you won't be able to talk as much.. but there should be and end goal where you will end up together..

You seem to have that.. she on the other hand is having doubts.

I personaly would not want to fly all the way over to an unsuer relationship

You have to ask yourself. Do you really love this women? Does she make you happy?
Is she worth the effort?

Don't let old feelings mess with you on this one..

If you do really love her and want to make this work. Then go see her one last time. And work everything out. And you two must come up with a game plan. And say OK. We are apart for this long. But I want to be with you and this is what I'm going to do.. to make it work. Because you can't be in an L.D.R for the rest of your life..


Or if not.. break it off with her and have no more contact.

She does not know what she wants at the moment. And I would guess because you guys had a fight. And she has that playing on her mind a abit.

She does want to pay half to see you.. so that is a good sign.

Anyway this is 50/50 here normaly I would so

Get out!
Or Go For it

But think hard and see what your plans are with her and where you want to be in life.
And make a choice that reflects on your own goals and trying to be with her as well.

Quote:

---

am I making a mistake going up there?

---

Yes, because though you want to see her, the rest of the post tells your true feelings.

Quote:

---

I told her how I feel and how I disagree with this time thing for the last time

---

Then stick to your guns and be honest with yourself, and her.

Quote:

---

I feel like I should just leave her alone now and see what happens? Don't contact her anymore? I'm pretty upset about it,

---

Give yourself time to let the emotional dust settle and see if you still feel that way.

Quote:

---

but I figure leaving it up to her will help me get over this, because I don't see the relationship happening again.

---

There lies the conflict and confusion. Your doing what she wants and not what you want.

Quote:

---

I'm just really confused why she wants to see me and be "us" in a month for the time I'm there? It has now been 3.5 years of long distance.

---

Thats a long time to be apart most of the time, and the arguments, and fights, bear out the pressure, and stress this relationship has put on you both.

Quote:

---

she says she needs time and wants to be alone. She says she doesn't think this is the relationship she wants right now,

---

Talaniman rule- She asks for time and space, give it to her!

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Check out this link, and compare it to your relationship, and see how you have done things the last 3.5 years, for some insights, and information, to think about.

Doesn't sound as if the last 3.5 years have bonded you enough, to work together, through honest communications, to resolve your issues.

Thanks for the responses. I'm having a tough time with this right now because I had that feeling that we were on the level that nothing would break us apart, even though we have been arguing a lot, unless it was very wrong, i.e. cheating. Obviously I need to wait to here from her because she wants the time. It just kills me not hearing from her when we talked some way or another everyday for 3.5 years. It also bothers me that we had a huge fight when I visited and then the next day everything was fine, or at least I thought. We were sexual more than once and nothing was borught up about the fight until a couple days after I got home. Was she just being phony and hiding her true feelings? If so, how can I trust someone like that? I feel like visiting in a month will lead to 3 things; closure, possibly get the relationship ging again, or give me false impressions everything is fine and then we end up not being together. How likely is it that giving a girl time in a long distance relationship will end up in you two being together again? To me, its just a cop out to ease the pain of letting go and not to be mean to me. She thinks it will just be us again when I'm there, but is that truly possible, especially after how I feel right now and not so sure we will start talking anytime soon?

Dude put yourself first for a change, and take care of YOU. All these assumptions, and speculating, what's on her mind, and the "why" of her actions, will have your mind playing tricks on you. That won't help you at all. Nor will sitting and dwelling on it.

Its important you stay busy with what's important to you. Trying enjoying yourself without her.

I think you should think a lot about the relationship and know what you truly want, before just flying over. Because then your emotions will speak for you and you can get hurt more easily.

In regards to my post on the 3.5 year long disatnce relationship and her needing her time, I feel like half of me says to try and relax and wait to see what happens with her needing time. The other half is telling me move on, assume we won't be together again. I just don't get why she would pay for me to fly over, have me stay at her parents house with her family, and then go back to her place for a few more days. I'm assuming she going to need time at the very least until I see her in a month, but she doesn't even know. She only says she don't have answers and just needs to do this for herself. Is this selfish? I'm no longer going to initiate conversation with her and haven't in the last couple days. She broke the silence yesterday morning with a text saying how she loves me, but just needs her time, and is very happy I decided to book the flight to see her. She says this is only because of the distance, but distance wouldn't be solved anytime soon. Is a relationship a good possibility again? Or am I being oblivious? Just start moving on, cutting her out of my life, and then just try to have fun when I visit and make that the last time? I feel like at this point I need to see her one more time so I can truly see how she feels.

Visiting her will only make it harder to give her space later. You will be an emotional wreck.

Either make a decision for your own interests and forget hers, or do as she says and go along and find out later what's up, since she has no clue.

I stay home, and get my own life together, and let her get hers together, with out my influence. But that's just me.

Ain't that much love in the world, to play yo-yo, to a confused female. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. She asked for space, give it to her.

I wouldn't be seeing her for another month. She has practically begged me to come. I am going to give her the space, she won't hear from me. But are you saying going up there in a month is a bad idea?

A lousy idea in my opinion. Your going on a holiday with a female, that has dumped you, and needs space, but is confused about the relationship? She needs to figure it out, and you need to figure yourself out, as she is calling all the shots, and your going along with what,

FALSE HOPE SHE WILL COME BACK TO YOU, AND THIS COULD BE IT?

Define the relationship, first, before any holiday sir.

Quote:

---

I feel like at this point I need to see her one more time so I can truly see how she feels.

---

You should know that before you go, and do you honestly think the last date will be fun?? ( Yes I think it's the last date, and that's a long way to go to get dumped, even if she is paying for it! )

I agree, but I plan to go regardless, to see other people beside her. However, do you think her seeing me may change her feelings, one way or another. I think it can give me a better idea of closure or trying to work it out. I am going to avoid conversing with her and see if her time can benefit me, heloing me see what I really want. And then when I see her in person, well see if anything is still there. I do agree with her that the only reason we have had problems results from the distance. I feel like it may be a good idea to stay on good terms, because I will most likely end up where she is in the next couple years, and maybe it'll work out then. My feelings bounce back and forth b/t being very angry with her to feeling depressed without her. I am pretty sure this is all part of the process. Hopefully, if she does want to make it work, I won't be moved on already, bcause then I think it would be too hard for me to go back. I do want to be with her, but like you all say, time will wear that away as she does not want to be with me right now. Thanks again for the reply.

What does it mean when girlfriend in long distance relationship says I need my time but have trip to see each other in a month? Obv. For me to leave her alone. But is it her way of breaking it off easily to me? Does a girl really need time? What are the chances after her time, she decides she wants to be with you again?

Could you please give us a bit more detail

In what way did she say I need time?

Like I just need a week for this trip?

Or how did she word this to you


Regards

Long distance relationship for over 3 years. Spent last weekend together after not seeing each other for 3 months with a lot of arguing. Got into big fight but rest of weekend was fine, everything was nomal. Few days later she said she was unsure of things, stressed from the relationship, needed her time, wasn't sure what she wanted, if this is the type of relationship she wants right now, needs to be alone "her time". She says if there wasn't the distance we wouldn't have this issue because we typically don't even get more than 10 minutes a day to talk. She convinced me and is paying for me to come stay with her in a month for a 10 days. I'm going to give her "her time" and not contact her until around time to go there to make sure it is still cool.

Its never a good sign. When a girl says they want space or time.

I would just back off from her..

And have the idea that it is over and move on.
You don't want to wait around for someone who is not sure about being with you.

Do you?

Life is way to short to wait for someone to make up there mind.

I agree. So when she says that we will be together again and she loves me so much, obviously it means nothing and I should just continue to refrain from talking? When I said that we weren't going to talk she laughed and said I was being silly, but I'm planning on holding to it. I said if it becomes dumb for me to come visit let me know and she laughed again and said I was being silly. Do you think it will make for an awkward trip not talking till then? If anything I'm going to have fun with her because we always do, and not to try and convince her to be with me. I shouldn't need to after this long

Let her come back. There's nothing you can do at this point to change things. Take a couple of months for yourself and assume its over - and when nothing happens on her end, take it as fact and move on to new pastures. Preferably those closer to you. Girls will always say they still love you when the breakup isn't vicious (as it often is) - but the romance is fading, at least for the time being. And you can't change that by your actions.

Y is it so hard to change my status to single or just don't have one? Is it because I think there is a chance still?

But if you change it everyone will see you are single and you could be appoached. Isn't that a good thing?

Private profile lol

Hey T-123,
Sometimes Facebook goes down and it's impossible to do anything. I just tried to change my status and it seems to be working.
Click "Profile" along the top banner. When that page appears, look on the left hand side to "Information". Click onto the blue "edit" box which looks like a pencil. Click "Edit Information" When that page appears click onto the "Relationship Status" bar and scroll to the one that suits you. You have to "Save" your choice with the blue tab at the bottom of the page. I hope that helps.
~S

I think its prob ably hard b\c if you don't change it to single or nothing you might still hope that there is a chance. When I broke up with my boyfriend I found it hard as well... mostly b\c I wasn't ready to talk to other people about it and the moment you change it to single people ask questions. Hehe which they did once I did change it.

Hope you figure it out though! :)

Change the darn thing, and be done with it.

Can you make it "looking!"

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

I guess you didn't like my answer to this question. (don't blame you)

Starting a new thread is confusing to readers, and its recommended to just reply to the old thread.

I had that problem as well, just edit your status to be hidden. And eventually you will want people to see that you are single :)

What's going to happen once you leave?. the distance is going to make it hard again and the same thing is going to happen. Maybe try and work on when you 2 can actually be together( like living together) and plan ahead, opposed to planning what's going to happen right now.

Why do u have so many threads with the same questions?. most people who answers questions on here are regulars. Just stay to 1 post, don't worry we will still answer it :)

Read this and compare it to what has been discussed between you. Have you done any of these things??

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

As bad as it sounds, something in me just doesn't want to cut it off completely and thinks there is something. But I know trying to get her back is a bad idea, just one of those things that pops in my head every now and then

I wouldn't go man, it'll make you a mess, I know your hoping to spark things back up and everything but, I think she would've tried to send you some signs and such if that was the case. Do what you think is right for you, if you feel you NEED to see her one last time or give it one last shot, hell go for it pal. And best of luck to you.

What kind of signs? She broke the silence, said she loves me and just needs her time, and really glad I decided to come see her. I don't know what kind of signs she could give. She kept saying its not over but just needs time. I thought flying me up, staying with her and her family meant something, but now I don't know anymore. She says it'll just be us like it always is when I'm up there. If she had intentions of moving on, why would she do this?

I would go then, I would say expect nothing though. Let her come onto you or show interest let her say I love you first crap like that, don't pressure her, let her sit next to you instead of you going to sit next to her, act like it's a first date.

That's all there. Its just she doesn't know if she can do another 2 years of distance after we already did 3.5. I'm just finding it tough to get how someone could give up

Starting to sound like you simply have unanswered questions, if you don't get your answers while your there before you leave I would ask for your own sake.

Its driving me nuts. She doesn't want to cut ties, doesn't want to just be friends. It would be great if she realized by the time I was there that she wanted to be wit me, because otherwise, I'm hoping for my own sanity, that I'm over it by then

Just do it

How does someone find it in themselves to not communicate with you after 3 and a half years? Its killing me, but I can't initiate contact. I wonder if its bothering her or if its been easy just to not talk to me? What positive things do time do for a relationship?

Quote:

---

what positive things do time do for a relationship?

---

BABIES A MORTGAGE AND A DOG! If the relationship is strong enough to survive time and adversity.

Quote:

---

turtleneck123;1391212how does someone find it in themselves to not communicate with you after 3 and a half years?

---

Her feeling have changed and she has had time to heal and move in another direction, as this was no shock to her as it is to you. She has been thinking of this break up long enough to be ready to deal with it. Give yourself time and so will you.

Quote:

---

its killing me, but I can't initiate contact.

---

Yeah, that happens at first and as hard as it is, stick with NO CONTACT what so ever!

Quote:

---

I wonder if its bothering her or if its been easy just to not talk to me?

---

Obviously not any more. Your on your own. Been there done that, a long time ago, and I know how much it sucks!

Turtle, I will tell you right now that you will make yourself go crazy the rest of your life, by wondering how someone could just give up. The point you are missing here is that they aren't JUST giving up, they gave up a while ago, but naturally they were holding on because they didn't want to have to ever face that they may have let go of something good. It is hard for you to see that she let go, because you are so far in love yourself, and because you were willing to over look many possible warning signs, because you would never want to believe that the end was a possibility, and that is natural and is what we all think when we are in relationships. The simple fact that she is willing to give up on the relationship at all, instead of doing whatever it takes to make it work, is the most simple and clear sign that her heart is not completely in it. Do you want a relationship with someone that is only going to have part of their heart in it? Do you want to make 70% of an investment with someone, when you are the only getting a 50% return, while they are putting only 50% and getting the same return you are?

You are willing to do whatever it takes and that is an amazing trait, and in many cases a sign of maturity. As far as love goes, you are mature enough to see that love does not come easy and that you will need to work hard and invest a lot, and unfortunately, she isn't there yet. Some people never get there, but trust me, there are many women in this world that are on that same level and understand those same things, and are going to be willing to invest as much as you will, and that will make a great relationship for you. Is your ex making a mistake? Yes, I think she is, but that is something that she is going to have to see on her own... or something that she may never see... but you have a life t live and you need to start doing it.