Ask Me Help Desk - Am I too obsessive?

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Am I too obsessive?

Its been a month and a half of NO CONTACT. I finally stuck to it. But the only thing is that I'm hurting over my ex-girlfriend. It wasn't like she went around the world and back for me. I was the one going out of my way for her. But I'm still hurting. Can't stop thinking about her and the situation. Its just hard. But NO CONTACT has gotten so EASY for me!! But I'm still hurting a lot. And don't understand why. I was invited to a church event to play bass guitar, but I turned it down because she was going to be there. Why?

You just haven't gotten over it yet. Don't hurry the healing process. It takes a long time. The more you worry about it, the less likely you are to get over it. Good thing you avoided the church event as well. Keep on sticking to NC. It will get better.

Healing is a process that will get harder before it get easier. Just keep it up. You turned the invite down because your still hurting. Give it another month and a half and see how you feel then.

Glad you are sticking to NC.

My first big love lost... took me nearly two years to shake that girl out of my head... even when I was with another good girl.

It takes time. It sucks to be you. Been there. Done that. It gets better. Just nowhere near as fast as you'd like.

Personally, letting the hurt turn to a healthy dose of anger helped. Sure, I still carried baggage into the next relationship, but being pi$$ed helped me keep the faith that in time all would be good.

It was. In time. Way too much damn time.

Its been hard. I thought I would be over her by now but I'm not. I'm kind of upset at myself also because I fell in love with a girl who fell in love with me (later got confused and said she wasn't), told me a lot words that sounded so good but later on didn't hold any value. How could I have been so stupid. Don't get me wrong she's a good girl but she just don't know how she hurt me and confused me... you know... and she NEVER admitted that she did anything wrong at ALL. And the way I was hitting her up constantly, she probably got a real good self-esteem boost off me. Its like she didn't see me for who I was at all. I'm just kind of mad at myself, you know? How could I just let myself get so deep into her like I did.

Be patient and give yourself more time and get busier.

I think that was a good move passing on the money to avoid her.

Bet it still stirred up old feelings though.

Don't worry they will pass.

I have written about the five steps of grief and would like to share them with you also.

Grief can occur as the result of a number of different events-someone we know dies,a relationship ends,we lose a pet,we have to give up on a long held goal in our life,or any number of situations.But there is one common denominator in all of these events,and that is loss.grief is a process of physical,emotional,social,and cognitive reactions to loss.The grieving process is often a hard one to work through.It requires patience with ourselves and with others.Although responses to loss are as diverse as the people experiencing it,patterns or stages that are commonly experienced have emerged.These stages were identified and named by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.Knowing these five stages can sometimes help in coping with the process of grief and recognize that there is light at the end of the tunnel.It should be noted that although most people experience all the following stages,they do not experience them with the same duration,or in the same order,or with the same intensity.It is a unique process.

Denial

Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process.It can be experienced as numbness or avoidance or isolation or direct denial.It is a stage in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true.We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen.It does not seem real.

Anger

Another stage of grief is anger.At this point,we have gotten past some or all of the denial,but now we are angry about the loss.We may want to take it out on something or someone,or we may just express our anger in ways that are familiar to us.

Bargaining

In the bargaining stage,we are trying to come up with ways to get back what we lost or just find someone or something to blame.Common thoughts include,"If only I had just ..."or"i wish we could have ..."or "Maybe if I do this ..."In the case of a lost relationship, we might actually bargain with the person we lost in an effort to get them back."If I change my behavior,will you come back?"

Depression

The depression stage is just as it sounds,a time of sadness.It generally follows denial,anger,and bargaining when we feel helpless to stop the loss.It may include crying,withdrawal,or any other way that expresses sadness.

Acceptance

The final stage is acceptance.Most often we have gone through all of the above stages and in many cases cycled through the above stages more than once before getting to acceptance.At this stage,we have(to some extent)reorganized ourselves and our thinking to incorporate the loss.This does not mean that we no longer get sad about the loss from time to time.Over time, the intensity of the sadness generally diminishes,but may never entirely go away.

Armed with the knowledge of these five stages,we can now better understand ourselves and others who are going through the grief process.Recognizing the stages can increase your empathy and support for others and provide permission for yourself to go through the process in your own way and in your own time.

Copyright Lori Godin,Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.She can be reached in San Jose,California,at 408-260-9996

Does this help?Let me know.
_____________

You will get there my friend

The only reason why you are feeling hurt..

Is.. because you felt USED

And you was. Emotionaly.. you gave everything and you know she gave very little back.

You are doing great with no contact.. now its just the..
What the hell was I thinking and doing FAZE

Its very normal :)
We are more angry and upset with ourselves than the loss of our partner.

Keep at it man! And remember next time ;) will be different

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

you will get there my friend

the only reason why you are feeling hurt..

is.. because you felt USED

and you was. emotionaly.. you gave everything and you know she gave very little back.

you are doing great with no contact.. now its just the..
What the hell was i thinking and doing FAZE

its very normal :)
we are more angry and upset with our selfs than the loss of our partner.

Keep at it man! and remember next time ;) will be different

Man you just read me like a book!! SERIOUSLY!!

It's all good man! Take your time in the healing. It has been a long time for me, and I still have my moments of sadness. Once you get over this, you are a whole new person...

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

you will get there my friend

the only reason why you are feeling hurt..

is.. because you felt USED

and you was. emotionaly.. you gave everything and you know she gave very little back.

Yeah, I felt very used! I felt used and led on... as good of a heart that I have especially when I'm love with someone such as her. I literally put my heart out there, and gave everything to only me end up feeling used and led on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

you are doing great with no contact.. now its just the..
What the hell was i thinking and doing FAZE

What was I thinking... literally?? I mean I kept rationalizing and giver the benefit of the doubt, I HONESTLY didn't know what to believe anymore concerning her. What was I thinking?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

its very normal :)
we are more angry and upset with our selfs than the loss of our partner.

I'm more MAD and DISAPPOINTED at MYSELF than her or anything else.

YOU TELLING ME ITS NORMAL...?!? WHAT...?!?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Keep at it man! and remember next time ;) will be different

IT WILL BE DIFFERENT...BELIEVE ME...

And why do we fall Sweetguy? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.

Yup! Pick yourself back up and get back on the NC wagon! When you fall off, pick yourself back up and get back on. We all go through this and once you truly stick to NC easily, then you know your almost there.

Believe me, I have fallen off the wagon MANY times, but I keep picking myself back up and doing it again. No shame in making mistakes, only shame is not knowing you are making the mistakes...

It's normal to feel the way you do so don't think you being obsess.

Yeah I been doing very great with NO CONTACT... Its been almost 2 months without breaking that.

I'm just so upset at myself right now.

But the upside about everything is that I've learned so much from situation. I mean a great deal of information about me in general and about relationships and love.

But I'm still a little upset at myself though...

Im glad its normal to feel this way when relationship goes wrong and ends. Because I honestly thought that maybe something with me. Because I've never took a relationship as hard as I took this one and I'm 23yrs old. But at the same time I've never fell for someone as hard as I did too... glad I'm not crazy...

One thing you need to understand is sometimes good people with a lot in common just don't last. Seriously.

I loved a GREAT girl once, right out of college. She rocked. Fun. Sexy. Great sense of humor. Sexy. Did I mention sexy?

But man... it was bad timing.

I'm ten years into a great relationship now... with a rock solid woman who has my back. But I will tell you honestly... that girl is now chasing boys down in Texas... and if my beloved kicked me to the curb... id might just chase her down.

My point is... one of the hardest things to get over is being able to deal with being hurt and pi$$ed AND at the same time believing that she, and you (as a couple) were real...

It can happen. You can be two great people who mean well and it doesn't work out. I've been there. More than once.

Itd be much easier to just say "she was evil and mean and played me"...

Much of the time... its not like that. Its two people who really try to mean well, and when things don't work out, its tough to get past whether it was real or not.

Unfortunately "real" and "not right" aren't exclusive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

one thing you need to understand is sometimes good people with a lot in common just dont last. seriously.

i loved a GREAT girl once, right out of college. she rocked. fun. sexy. great sense of humor. sexy. did i mention sexy?

but man... it was bad timing.

im ten years into a great relationship now... with a rock solid woman who has my back. but i will tell you honestly... that girl is now chasing boys down in texas... and if my beloved kicked me to the curb... id might just chase her down.

my point is... one of the hardest things to get over is being able to deal with being hurt and pi$$ed AND at the same time believing that she, and you (as a couple) were real...

it can happen. you can be two great people who mean well and it doesnt work out. ive been there. more than once.

itd be much easier to just say "she was evil and mean and played me"...

much of the time... its not like that. its two people who really try to mean well, and when things dont work out, its tough to get past whether it was real or not.

unfortunately "real" and "not right" arent exclusive.

Can you explain that a bit more...please...???

What KP means is

That... when 2 people get together.. they both are Nice. And they have have good qualites

When the relationship ends. Some people normaly make the other person out to be the bad guy. When really they both meant well.

You both start with an Ideal
And if one person breaks that. Then its hard to get it back.

At least that was my understanding of it

Please tell me if I am wrong KP :) I

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

What KP means is

That... when 2 people get together.. they both are Nice. And they have have good qualites

When the relationship ends. Some people normaly make the other person out to be the bad guy. When really they both meant well.

You both start with an Ideal
And if one person breaks that. Then its hard to get it back.

At least that was my understanding of it

Please tell me if I am wrong KP :) I

What do you mean by...
Quote:

Both people start off with an idea and if one person breaks that then its hard to get it back???

Sorry what I meant to say was IDEAL

We all have an ideal we think we should live up to.. and they should live up to

Once that gets broken.. it hurts

Hens the term.. live up to there exspectations

Okay yeah... I hear you... man does it hurt... I really saw a future with her too man...

But I know there will be someone else, who will come into my life someday... so I will be fine and patient and work on myself...

Yeah I know. It's a pain isn't it..

When you think someone will be with you forever.

Ill tell you a funny story..

One of my Xs girlfriends..

I was working.. and she was there with me.. I kind of always knew she liked.. me but I personaly never gave it much thought.

As she did not seem my typ of girl. You know how it is..

Anyway.. she starts making me lunch.. and doing all this stuff for me.. so I was like.. hey this is pretty sweet :)
As you know.. I do love being spoilt! :D

This went on for about 2 months. She then final asked me out.. I was like... Mehh! I don't know. I don't feel that way about you..

And she is like well just give us a shot and see how it goes..

So finally! I give in. and go well what the hell.. I was dating all these crazy blond bombshells so ill give it a try!

So we were together.. first relationship where I ever had a girl.. like really look after me..

In a loving.. Couple way. You know. Make me dinner etc etc.

She asked me every single day if I loved her and all that.. and I was like dude you got issue..
Well turns out in the end I did start to fall for her.
And you know.. the Second I started to fall for her..
She went away for 3 months due to work.

Saying the love will never fade. I will be with you till the end of the rainbow.. all that jazz.

She stops emailing me and everything. Lol!

My finally words was after 1 week of her not emailing me..

Yo cat got your finger? Hope all is well.

That was 4 and a half years ago..

So I guess.. she has moved on LoL
So did.

But the point I'm trying to make.. is that no matter what you think in a relationship. Its always a 50/50 chance.

Nothing ever stays the same.
And once you learn to take everything day by day. It all becomes so much easier.

There are some things we can control in life
Other peoples feelings.. sadly is not one of them.
And feelings and emotions
Are one of the most unstayble things out there.

:) anyway man your not alone.

All valid stuff here. It took me probs about a year half to get over my first 'love'.

As others said also, my most recent conquest, we were both two good people, she's great, sexy, intelligent, nice etc. But bad timing and bad distance. Obviously didn't like me as much as I liked her and wasn't prepared to commit etc.

Perhaps you are too obsessive I know I get way to attached and get way to emotional but :eek: OMG that's who we are. Just accept who you are and try to watch out for what your doing in the future. If you notice you are getting close to someone be more wary.

But as they say every relationship is a chance, Its probably best to take it as well.

It really does take time, that's all you can do. I still think of an ex now and again + when songs come on I just smile and think of good times. I also think what a cow she was and how we weren't a good fit what so ever.

Ive found planning things and trips away helps. Stuff to look forward to helps me get through bad days. E.g. I have trips planned to Prague, U.S. Alaska, festivals etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

but the point im trying to make.. is that no matter what you think in a relationship. its always a 50/50 chance.

Its a GAMBLE ever time. Nothing is certain.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Nothing ever stays the same.
and once you learn to take everything day by day. it all becomes so much easier

True I've now realized that nothing ever stays the same. Things, people, and agendas are always changing. I just never realized until my last relationship how a woman can fall for you, have a lot of special moments, and then just when things should be ever climbing higher, she's indifferent now and confused... doesn't make any sense... but I understand what your saying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

there are some things we can control in life
other peoples feelings.. sadly is not one of them.
and feelings and emotions
are one of the most unstayble things out there.

Most definitely RIGHT!! Feelings and emotions are the most unstable source of matter that exist... HUMAN ROMANTIC FEELINGS..!

I've realized that the LOVE your friends and family show you is UNCONDITIONAL...but in a ROMANTIC relationship...that LOVE is always CONDITIONAL...theres always a LOOPHOLE attached to it...

No problem tali :P Ill be going with trekamerica again, where the last girl I met was (unfortunately nothing came of it - now she doesn't speak to me).

Anyway back to OP, you are right everything is a chance. I suggest though not to waste your life away worrying about her. I wasted too much time thinking about the last girl like I am now with the current one instead of living my own life..

There's a lot I need to change about myself... STARTING TODAY!! SERIOUSLY... JUST CAME TO THE REALIZATION.

You know I'm 23 yrs old, and you know I'm a good guy, and a good catch you know, I always treated woman with respect and nice... I am a gentleman/romantic/outgoing/goofy/christian type. But know starting TODAY... Im making changes in my life... dealing with me first... and my attitude.

Its just going through that experience with my last relationship... being led on emotionally and falling for someone SOOO HARD... going through all that HURT and CONFUSION and RESENTMENT... its got me thinking... I don't know why it just does...

Does any of you guys understand where I'm coming from?

Of course :) that's what I told myself one day after my X left me.

Never again. Will this happen to me.

Now I'm the ALPHA :P in the relationships!
hehe

Dude you got to be more careful in future, same as me. Learn to wear your heart in a 'wooden box' and don't get so involved so quickly. Make them less meaningful in your life until you know for sure its going to work out. Even then have a fulfilled life without her.

Women like challenge, once it's gone so are you!"

Just taken from what Chuff said

That is a very very true point

Yep... Confidence, Self-Control, Challenge!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

one thing you need to understand is sometimes good people with a lot in common just dont last. seriously.

You even said me and her were not compatible. But when we first hooked up it seemed to me that we were very compatible... thats what is weird...

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

i loved a GREAT girl once, right out of college. she rocked. fun. sexy. great sense of humor. sexy. did i mention sexy?

but man... it was bad timing.

im ten years into a great relationship now... with a rock solid woman who has my back. but i will tell you honestly... that girl is now chasing boys down in texas... and if my beloved kicked me to the curb... id might just chase her down.

my point is... one of the hardest things to get over is being able to deal with being hurt and pi$$ed AND at the same time believing that she, and you (as a couple) were real...

it can happen. you can be two great people who mean well and it doesnt work out. ive been there. more than once.

itd be much easier to just say "she was evil and mean and played me"...

much of the time... its not like that. its two people who really try to mean well, and when things dont work out, its tough to get past whether it was real or not.

unfortunately "real" and "not right" arent exclusive.

I wanted to believe that me and her relationship was REAL... I believe it was... you know? Maybe she didn't...

Sweet Guy 23, do you remember what I told you when you first came here? I told you that your pain was going to be worth it because you had something nobody else did. You had the willingness to learn, and I could tell that your girl would stay the same. Look at how far you've come in a couple months, and you are now ready to make changes. This experience she brought on was the best thing that could have happened to you. You are finally going to learn about and appreciate number 1. She's just going to repeat the same behavior over and over stuck in the same spot for years if not a lifetime. Welcome to the big leagues my friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Sweet Guy 23, do you remember what I told you when you first came here? I told you that your pain was going to be worth it because you had something nobody else did. You had the willingness to learn, and I could tell that your girl would stay the same. Look at how far you've come in a couple months, and you are now ready to make changes. This experience she brought on was the best thing that could have happened to you. You are finally going to learn about and appreciate number 1. She's just going to repeat the same behavior over and over stuck in the same spot for years if not a lifetime. Welcome to the big leagues my friend.

Yeah for the past two months I've been doing very well with keeping up with NO CONTACT. Its to the point that its becoming second nature to not contact her. Now I still do think about her... mostly taking from it (evaluating what I did wrong so I won't do it again... you know?) But I am now ready to make some changes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

You are finally going to learn about and appreciate number 1.

Finally learn and appreciate number 1... huh??

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

She's just going to repeat the same behavior over and over stuck in the same spot for years if not a lifetime.

Are you serious?? She's just going the repeat that same behavior over and over again??

Chuff means your number 1

You Doughnut :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Look at how far you've come in a couple months, and you are now ready to make changes. This experience she brought on was the best thing that could have happened to you. You are finally going to learn about and appreciate number. She's just going to repeat the same behavior over and over stuck in the same spot for years if not a lifetime. Welcome to the big leagues my friend.

Yes Chuff, I am definitely ready to make some changes..! Open to any advice or direction..!

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Sweet Guy 23, do you remember what I told you when you first came here? I told you that your pain was going to be worth it because you had something nobody else did. You had the willingness to learn, and I could tell that your girl would stay the same.

Yea I remember you saying that... but I got a question... How do you know she will stay the same? Explain that. So she will stay the same.

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