I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 4 years with this girl and things have always been amazing. Really. We never had one single fight and we care for each other a lot. We've met in the labor day and we had the time of our lives.

So last week she tells me she met new friends and she is going through changes and that she doesn't really know what she feels about me anymore. She says she wants some time to think about us, some time without me to try and understand what is my role in her life. She said she didn't fell for anyone nor that she wants to get involved with anyone else, is just that she doesn't feel the same anymore.

She is coming for Thanksgiving and I know that we like each other, it seems that it's just that the distance took its toll on her. So I sort of know that when she comes, we'll have fun... and it's quite possible that we'll be back together, or at least end it in a high note.

Thing is, how can I deal until then? I'm finding hard to give her this space. Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something? I'm just trying to reach the end of the month! I know it's the minimum since we've been together 4 years, but... It's so hard!

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Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

Thing is, how can I deal until then? I'm finding hard to give her this space. Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something? I'm just trying to reach the end of the month! I know it's the minimum since we've been together 4 years, but... It's so hard!

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It is really hard, but you just have to make a deal with yourself to leave her alone. You literally have to Man Up to do this!! I hope I am wrong, but when someone says this to you it is usually a pretty bad ending... especially for you. The less you contact her and the more you leave her alone the better the outcome, I promise you that. Just fill your mind and day with other things that do not allow you to give attention to her.

I bet she is changing, as what kind of space does someone need that you only see occasionally? How old are you, and why hasn't the distance between you been bridged a long time ago?

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Anyone know how to deal with the urges of calling her or sending mails or something?

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By doing other things you enjoy, and putting your own interest ahead of hers.

4 years is a long time to be involved with someone, and its unrealistic to think you can just cancel her from your life so easily.

You can slowly be proactive in seeking the company of friends and family, though but this is going to be hard, I will not lie.

So Thanksgiving came. And as I said we had a lot of fun. We found we actually still like each other. But the distance won't go away so soon. And she can't stand it anymore. So we ended our story in a high note.

It hurts. But now I had some sort of closure. Time to move on.

4 years in a long distance relationship is amazing to say the least.

Once you find a girlfriend closer to home, and (again) experience the benefits of having a "normal" relationship you will see you did the right thing.

Go man go. Remember, your time with her was GOOD. That it is over is by no means a failure. Remember it well, with fondness, with no regrets... and most of all with no rebounding.

Life is ahead and more love awaits.

@JBeaucaire: What do you mean by no rebounds?

It means don't rush into a relationship until you are ready. Learn to be happy with yourself first.

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Originally Posted by ImTotallyLost

@JBeaucaire: What do you mean by no rebounds?

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It means while you're thinking about this ex occasionally, don't let yourself be tempted to rebound back in her direction.

Also, KCTiger's take on not bounding into a new "headlong" relationship is probably a good caution, too.

But mainly I meant remember her, but don't pine after her. Let the memories JUST be what they are... memories, and good ones if possible.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

It means while you're thinking about this ex occasionally, don't let yourself be tempted to rebound back in her direction.

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I kind of see why you are saying this, and in no way I am going to sit and wait for her to come back, I am already in a NC phase until I can get dettached from her and we can try to be good friends, which also may never happen. I already understood that she might not be the right person for me and that there are lots of fish in the pond. And right now I am trying to focus all my energy on my work and in making friends, new circles, getting back to old hobbies (yeah, my guitar was getting really dusty in the corner).

But I don't understand why you think I shouldn't go back to her if she get herself to love me back even with the distance and I am available, or if we end up in the same city in the future and we are both available, we shouldn't try to make it work.

Of course, if she calls me too soon, I would tell her to give herself a bit more time to think this through since there's a huge chance it's just she's feeling lonely. But I doubt this would happen, specially because I asked her to give me some healing time at least until Christmas (we're going to our home city and our families have common friends, so there's no way we can't avoid seeing each other again). Plus she's under so much stress from school that she can't even think about us anyway - that's the reason why only after 4 years she started feeling bad about the distance.

It was, after all a clean break up. There was never cheating or lying, nor any funny business. And the times we were together were great. We both became better people with each other. The whole thing was perfect, even in the end, lots of communication, the pain inflicted was kept to the minimum, nothing more, with both of us understanding what was going on with the other. I know it sounds unbelievable but it was just like that. And I'm not lying to myself!

Just opening a bit of my heart... maybe it'll make me feel better.

I think the worst part of this whole thing is starting to hit me: the idea that I'm now alone again. Last week I was in a choral concert and I couldn't find anyone to go with me. So I went alone. And I felt so sad I wouldn't be able to share the experience with my ex anymore, I couldn't stand it and left in the first interval. And had drinks with my roommate.

It's weird. It's not like I am the shy kind of guy and I am outgoing enough and reasonably attractive so it's not like I think I'll be alone forever. But right now, it just feels so empty to go out and hook up like it was before getting into college. And at the same time I feel I'm not ready to get into the work that is a new relationship... So it's like, I think I'll have to learn how to live with myself again, and while there is freedom in doing what I want, at the same time, it feels lonely because there isn't that close person with whom I can share the experiences in the way I could with my ex.

Although I know my ex didn't do anything wrong intentionally, I still feel that I am suffering and that she was the source of it. And the care I had for her is slowly transforming into a weird type of despise... it's not that I blame her for anything and during the relationship she was always there for me, but right now it feels like I was abandoned, that she gave up on us due to the distance while I never had when I was faced with similar issues.

I don't believe anymore I would ever become her friend again because it feels that if I talk with her, everything would come back in an instant. I hate the fact that we had a really really great thing and that it is gone because of something that is just one of these things of life... and at the same time I start feeling like she, unconsciously, let it die, and that makes me hate her a little.

I hope in the future I can forgive her for the whole pain I am suffering now.

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Although I know my ex didn't do anything wrong intentionally, I still feel that I am suffering and that she was the source of it. And the care I had for her is slowly transforming into a weird type of despise...

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It doesn't matter if she did anything wrong or not. If she DID, would that make it OK for you to turn your pain into hate?

Absolutely not.

It's a common and unfortunate habit that many people do exactly that. You've admitted you're starting down that road, too.

Don't do it. Healing is NOT about blame. It's not even really the "getting over" that people obsess about.

Healing is about getting on. Life doesn't stop being everything wonderful and possible that it always was just because someone has stepped out of your life. Not at all. Healing is about connecting with the truths about your own character, what is good and right and beneficial to you.

Healing is about accurately remembering. It is SOOO convenient to play the blame game because making lists of other people's sins is so easy to do. But it's pointless. You seldom give exes credit for their intent, only what they did. So in your mind they end up being evil and you're righteously indignant.

So what? It rarely HELPS in any way once you've accomplished that. I know, some people can't heal without the blame game, and that's why there's usually another unhealthy relationship waiting for them.

No, you don't have to give in to that natural "she's an evil ogre" process. You can just remember accurately what actually happened, the good and the bad. The good you keep on your list of things to include the future. The bad goes on the list of things to avoid.

That's all. That's the best result of an ending relationship, good and helpful lists and character checking. Not hate.

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I don't believe anymore I would ever become her friend again because it feels that if I talk with her, everything would come back in an instant...

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You're smart. Listen to that, remember it. Avoid rebounding.

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I hope in the future I can forgive her for the whole pain I am suffering now.

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That's a great sentiment. Why not forgive her now, during the pain. If you do that, the pain is lessened.

Forgiveness isn't something you do for other's benefit (although they do benefit)... mainly you do it for yourself. You do it to end the hate-thoughts, you do it to stop the obsessing and overanalyzing.

And you do it because you're a better man having done it.

You can do it.

Yesterday I spoke with my ex. Because I felt it wasn't quite clear during the whole break-up that she actually doesn't love me anymore, it seemed more like she got tired. I don't know why I called because I really don't want to get back anymore (or maybe I do and I am lying to myself). I think I just wanted to hear that she doesn't love me anymore. But maybe it was just a huge mistake. I felt better though. Or I think I do. I finally heard she saying that she still cares about me but that she doesn't love and that she sees me as a friend. I told her that I don't think that can happen, because everything would come back.

She said that in the future if things go differently we should give it another try, because she thinks the "friendization" happened due to distance only. I suggested that we should contact again when we reach a point in our lives where we are about to graduate or that we can choose where we are moving to, if we are both free. I heard the most enthusiastic YES ever. But until then we should just stay out of touch. Because if we contacted, we would be holding back ourselves. Or at least, I would.

Then I asked her that if in the future she feels that what we had was really special, not to be afraid of calling me. I'll probably not be available. And I might not probably feel the same way anymore. But there's a chance I would be feeling the same way. But it would just be a pity if that was the case and we both just didn't gave it another try. She agreed to that too. We wished each other happiness in our lives.

I could think she was just trying to soften the blow by saying those things, but I didn't feel she was. I think she meant everything she said. And, honestly, it doesn't matter, I shouldn't be trying to listen too much into it, even the whole future project things. Only God knows where things will be one year from now. The main message from this conversation for me is that it is really over.

@JBecauire

You are right. I think I am following this path out of immaturity. But it feels so weird because if she didn't do anything wrong and I didn't do anything wrong, then why are we apart? I guess the mental work I have to do right now is to stop obsessing about what went wrong, and whose fault it was, reduce the relationship to the good memories and just accept something's in life are just not understandable and not controllable.

I need to start caring about my life again. It's hard though. Because, while there are a few things I feel I am doing for myself, many times I feel I am doing stuff just to get over or to get back at her (nothing vicious, here... I am talking about making myself happy again) but every time I follow this road, whatever I am doing gets sour real fast. Is it a matter of giving time for myself or is there something, some sort of mindest I can switch into that would finally set me free? I know 4 years is too long, and that I was hugely invested in it. It feels like I am watching the burial of a very dear friend, our hopes and dreams. But I would really really like for this to just go away.

First, think about this, something you may not have added to your thoughts yet.

MOST relationships end.

That's it. That's the universal truth. You date many, you love many, but you cleave to one... eventually. A relationship starts and immediately starts the steady progression to its ending. I think it's even fair to say you date someone to discover the reasons you can't be together for 60 years. Once discovered, you move on. The better you get at the moving on part, the less melodramatic that part has to be, the more steady your character becomes.

One day, you're dating someone looking for the reasons you can't be stay together healthily... and you can't find anything. Neither one of you. So you stay together for 60 years.

So, as I said, no one HAS to do anything wrong for a relationship to end. It's just as likely that two people can do EVERYTHING wrong and still stay together if they're characters are THAT compatible, understand?

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The main thing is you have to be comfortable in your own skin with or without a girlfriend. You need to be who you are anyway.

The real victory is pursuing individual happiness with your own accomplishments and having someone come along who admires and respects THAT, and chooses you in that light.

This way, you're fine out of the gate, you're not trying to establish "happiness" on the shoulders of someone else. Not every girl could shoulder that kind of pressure.

Your own skin, got to learn to be happy in it no matter who else is or isn't around that day.

@JB:

Hey. First, thanks for answering my posts. Really.

Look, I do understand fully the concept that most relationships end. Honestly. My ex wasn't even the first person I went out with, though she was my first serious girlfriend. And right now I am pretty sure she won't be my last serious girfriend.

And while it may not look like it, I was never desperate to keep her or something like that. Of course, since the relationship ended while I was still loving, I went through the motions, but I don't think those motions were bigger than what they are supposed to be for a situation like this.

Before she telling me that she was having second thoughts, it wasn't like I was overly reliant on her for my happiness... I wasn't the high maintenance kind of boyfriend. The reason why the distance was never bridged is that we had grad school choices that just couldn't put us in the same town and we felt that we shouldn't sacrifice our careers just for that. Of course we had plans of marrying and having kids but after it was over, I wasn't wondering what will my life be after her.

I am just struggling with the idea that she isn't there for me. And that her happiness or sadness shouldn't mean anything anymore for me (I wish her well, but I can't be there for her anymore). I got used to those habits. And like any addiction, going cold turkey is always painful. And I don't think it was wrong for us build that mutual support in our relationship when we felt confident we could do that.

The whole confusion is that every time I try to put in the table what was good about the relation and what was bad, I can only put two things on the "bad" column. (1) Distance sucks. (2) It ended. Of course, I can always pick stupid things or stupid arguments... like her weird musical taste... but I don't really resent any of that and most of it actually felt cute.

[Not that her feelings matter right now but it's not even like she disagrees with me. Actually she blames everything on the distance and only that. She was still calling me "honey" yesterday, even though she understands we are through!]

If I had the choice of having a relation with someone else I would love to do it in the same way, with someone local. But I know I no two people are alike and I'll have a different type of relation. And I know it will be good in its own way, because I know that it is possible for me to be in a relationship that allows me to be myself and grow as person and help someone to do the same, and get the same help in return and all of that filled with love. And I know I shouldn't accept less than that because I had exactly that kind of experience.

And I actually have to thank you for not letting me go down the "hate" road because that seemed like an easy way out but now I see it's wrong because it would just tarnish the good memories and probably would make me a worse person.

I agree there's nothing wrong with a relationship ending. And there are various reasons a relationship can end. One of them is incompatibility and when that's the case, while some drama might occur, it's easy to see that it wouldn't go anywhere and had to end.

But when the problem is external... like distance for us... is not that we can't see us together 60 years down the road... is just that it's hard not being able to see each other on the next weekend and not being able to call the other person for dinner, share common friends, do simple things... You can live like that for a year, maybe two... and we did that for three and half! But I can see her point in not being able to take it any longer... I had issues with that too last year... it got to a point where I just didn't feel any love anymore for her, I was numb, feeling like I wanted a normal life... I managed to cope somehow and started loving her again on a trip together...

My situation wasn't really one of those where I built the foundations of my happiness on her shoulders and now my universe crumbled. I think it's more like a case where I feel like a very good and dear friend died. I wish it didn't happen, but it did. I know I'll make a new friend in the future. But right now I mourning. I am having a difficulties in being happy again, but I guess I shouldn't be trying for that so hard. I think I just need time to get her out of my system, and naturally I will get back to being happy alone again.

(Sorry if I seem stubborn... I am not trying to argue with you... and I think most of what you say is really really great advice, but you know each case is different and... I am mostly writing for myself... It helps to put write these and get the out of my chest... )

I had not talked with my ex since Monday and I've been feeling quite crapy myself. Then yesterday, out of the blue, she contacted me to check on me. She wanted to make sure I was fine. I told her I wasn't but that was only natural and that in time I would be fine.

I also told her that if she wanted to talk to me, to make sure she was doing it with the purest of the intentions and not to make herself better, to remove the remorse or to feel the comfort of me being around, knowing I still have feelings. She told me that was the case. She really liked the friendship and she is only talking to me now because she feels I'm not trying to make us go back again. I said that there was a lot of work to do and that it might not be easy on her either. She agreed and wanted to try to be friend again.

I don't know if she's having second intentions... I have no reason to believe she would do such a thing... and even if she is trying to play games, it would blow on her face because she would play with herself only. So honestly, I don't care... she is a good listener and knows me well so right now, as long as I'm not the one going after her ears, I'm fine.

Of course, during this conversation the "why did you leave me" came up, but I'm not really trying to get her back, I just have this strong desire to understand what happened to her. She told me a lot of stuff (distance made me feel I was living parallel lifes and I was tired of that) which doesn't really matter anymore. While she was talking I felt I didn't really care to the why. It's nothing I can "fix" and even if it was, I don't want to "fix" that anymore. I told her that while I still had feelings, I was just purging her out of my system, that's the only thing I want to do right now. I told her that I don't hate her and that I "forgive" her, but that actually there was nothing to forgive because whatever she did, I know it was with the best of all intentions (this was a conversation topic that on Monday was left on the air, I told her I didn't want to forgive her for causing me all that pain... that was before reading JB's post).

During the conversation I didn't felt like everything was coming back, though there might be some delayed response that would make me write another one of these looong posts... I didn't want to get her back, but I was feeling something was still bothering me.

This morning I had a bad time trying to understand and then it struck me. Since we broke up I was feeling a relief and I thought it had to do with the long distance relationship. But now I see that was lying to myself. The relief was just a relief from being out of a relationship and having time and mindset to do things people committed don't. The thing is, I was actually fine with the distance, because in my mind I knew eventually we would be together and I could see spending the rest my whole life with her, it was worth waiting... I didn't feel I was missing out on opportunities or any of those things...

But then, why do I feel like I don't want to go back? Well, the thing is that there is an implicit contract when you are serious with someone and that you are in a reciprocal relation. It has to do with making some effort to not let the other person go, or at least to work with that other person during the dettachment process, to really give a chance for the other part to have a less traumatic experience...

And while she did at some point come to talk to me, she did so only way after she started struggling with it. And when she came to me, the feeling in her was lost so it was less like a warm person trying to explain something in a caring way and more like a court officer serving a warrant to appear on court, cold. I don't blame her for any of this, we're both young and it's the first break up for both of us.

But still, the trust for me is gone. Not the whole trust. I could still give her a credit card on my name and know she wouldn't screw me up. But I wouldn't be able to trust my heart to her again. Which means that if she wanted to come back, that's something we would have to work on: it's not only about her loving me; it's also about me trusting her again. Which feels really really hard right now.

After I managed to actually be honest with myself about this, I felt so much lighter. Again, just rambling. And giving an update if there's anyone following this story.

TIME, that's all you need! Time and plenty of it.

True, tal...

It's just that the whole thing feels like a roller coaster... Yesterday and today morning I was fine... really fine... But suddenly, out of the blue, I felt really bad again. It's like suddenly I start to remember about everything that happened and it's like I want to suffer...

That's when you get on the Wii, polish your shoes, (do they still do that?) rearrange your albums, or something to change your focus.

I just want to say that I really enjoy reading your posts ITL. I am in a similar situation... although mine is just a two year relationship with the last 8 months being as a LDR before we broke.

It really is the hardest thing breaking up when there is no real reason for the break up, other than the distance. Sure, there are other factors which may have contributed, but it is the distance which lead to the "friendization" and ultimately a loss of attraction.

I am really struggling with it... especially the rollercoaster ride of it all. Just when I thought I was making progress with moving on, then she pops back up and starts putting ideas in my head, and most of all her making sure that she is still in my head.

I find the whole friend thing the most difficult to comprehend... I will only really be capable of considering her just a friend when I would be comfortable seeing her with a new guy... kissing, holding hands, going home together etc. Until I am comfortable with that situation, I know that I will never be able to just consider her a friend.

But yeah, I mainly just wanted to say that I am following your story with interest all the way from New Zealand, and I wish you the best of luck.

Yeah... I feel your pain... I am also following your story...

I think you are having a worse time than me. Because at least my ex isn't feeding me with false hopes. She is trying to get me to be her friend again, but things are weird and she isn't really pushing it... I feel like she is trying to get to know me again and see if she can try to love me again or something but I know that just won't happen because I don't feel like being all nice and caring as I was when we were together so I don't think this is going anywhere apart from a friendship with time. I don't even feel that NC would do me any good... when I tried NC I started daydreaming about the day we would be together and all... but now that we are talking, reality bites me and I am remembered that the real person I used to have plans with doesn't love me anymore. Which helps me moving on.

I am taking vacations on the end of this week. Going home. Man, that will do so good for me.

I wasn't even going to write anything today but I felt like maybe someone might be interested... I mean, I love reading other people stories' but it seems they never come back once they are feeling better and we are left without knowing things got better!

Today was an interesting day because, for the biggest part of it, I didn't think of this whole thing. Which is actually amazing if I compare to the past few days. It was the whole "I just want it to go away" I was looking for. Maybe tomorrow won't be as good, but I am happy to see there is some progress going on.

And on the only short time during the day any tought crossed my mind - I was purchasing glasses and I remember she liked picking up frames for me - it wasn't bad. It was actually a sweet memory. I remembered what were her tastes and how she hated my old pair of glasses that were a bit too geeky. Then I forgot about it and chose glasses that made me look nice. It didn't feel bad at all. I only had that fuzzy warm feeling of having been loved once by a wonderful person and the hapiness that now I was having fun picking glasses by myself. I was proud.

However, at night I felt like I wanted to talk with her... about the progress made. Which seems really absurd, right? I liked how we felt proud of each other achievements and that was one achievement, albeit a weird one...

It wasn't that obsessive urge from the past few weeks, though. It was just a thought that crossed my mind while I was waiting the rice to cook. And I called my parents instead to check up on them.

I didn't talk with her today, not even on IM, like in the past few days... She hasn't showed up on IM, or maybe she did and I wasn't paying attention, 'cause I'm not checking up all the time anymore, just open it when I need to talk to some other friend... Plus, even when she's online I don't start a conversation... I'm not ready for that yet...

I hope I am in the right track here. I really hope my heart isn't playing tricks with my mind and building silly hopes on the background based on these sweet memories, hehe. But I honestly don't think that's happening. It really feel more and more like looking at childhood pictures, you think about how happy you were as a kid, without the burdens and difficulties of adulthood but you never really hope you'll be a kid again.

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but you never really hope you'll be a kid again.

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Speak for yourself!!


On a serious note, glad to see its coming together for you.

Just keep moving forward. I can't tell you how many times I would get cocky, and think I am getting over it, and I am cool to try and be friends with my ex... WRONG! I would talk to her and come tumbling down again. Carry on! You are doing great.

Hey guys... It seems that the rollercoaster is really gone...

We returned to our hometown and I had to return her t-shirt... Since I am "afraid" of looking at her face again, too soon, I decided to leave it with her grandma last week, with a christmas card, basically telling her I don't regret a thing. Got a polite e-mail response, with the similar emotional dettachment she has been showing in the previous weeks.

Ironically I got her e-mail when I got home from a very fun night out with some high school friends... It's funny that I haven't had this pure irresponsible fun in such a looong time.

And reading that e-mail actually made me contrast these two lifes... It seems that now that it's over I am realizing I was too young to be tied in a relationship, specially a long distance one. No regrets at all. But it feels good to be free. 24, grad student... I'm just too young for all that. Not that I regret what happened... but I kind of see that it was all for better.

Not to say all is well. Christmas night was awful. And I am sure New Year will be even worse. But it's a part of life, right? At least I can say with all honesty that, for me, this chapter of my life is over.

Among the things I did back home was to look at old mix tapes. I found an old Cranberries cassete and while listening to it, I just re-discovered "Daffodil Lament":

"... I have decided to leave you forever,
I have decided to start things from here,
Thunder and lightning won't change how I'm feeling...
... and the daffodils look lovely today..."

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I am focusing on work. I am engaging in new activities and meeting new people. I am trying new things. I am going out and doing things single people do.

And sometimes (once every 10 days or so... ) I even talk with my ex, the whole "being friends thing" which seems to be working well for me... I even feel bad for her because she doesn't seem to be going out that much... I mean, she broke up so why am I the one having the fun? I wish she enjoyed her single-ness too...

So basically I feel like the whole situation turned out to be good. I had an amazing relationship with a wonderful person, and now that is over I am having fun being single again and I got to keep that wonderful person as a good friend and I don't regret anything in my life.

Then, why the hell there are sometimes I still feel bad about the whole thing?

Like all storms this will pass.

More venting...

Oh man. Never in my life I felt so lacking control over myself like in the past few days.

Now I am actively trying to move on and trying to forget and not thinking about anything. But it's like my brain is possessed by a very evil spirit that keeps telling me that I didn't fight enough, that I should call, that this whole situation is just wrong.

Oh, how I wish my ex had told she found out I'm not the right person for her or given the "it's not you, it's me" line... I think it would be so much easier to move on. But having to move on with a "it's just the distance and we might try again in the future if the distance is gone" sucks.

It's ironic but being dumped by someone that still wants you is awful. It's good in one sense because I never lost that feeling of having someone that cares about you, and my self-esteem didn't suffer any significant hit... however there is just no hope of having a honest understanding of what the hell happened... It feels like I'm sweeping these issues under the rug and moving on with my life.

It's a cliché... but I feel your pain. She is the one that threw away your relationship... there is no point beating yourself up about it. No matter how hard you fought, it was her decision. There is no amount of fighting that you could have done which would have made her think other wise.

I'm struggling to realise it myself... but her decision was a blessing. I am lucky that this happened only two years into our relationship... and not 5 years or 10 years or 20 years... because it surely would have happened eventually. As it says in one of the stickys... we are going through this for a reason... this is all prologue for something great which is going to happen in the future.

At the beginning for me it also felt better being an "amicable breakup" due to long distance... but in some ways I would rather it had just ended because she had cheated on me, or she just told me up front that it was over... its so much harder to move on when there seems to be no real underlying reason for the breakup.

I remember one week into our break up she sent me a text saying "Even though we are broken up I still love you just as much as I ever have". But then it all changed so suddenly for her... whereas I never really lost that feeling. It still astonishes me that she can go from that to complete indifference in no time at all.

You are doing really well ITL and you are an inspiration to me as I battle through this. Keep up the good work! We will both get there :-)

I didn't really fight for the relationship... and I think I was the only one among her friends/family to say "if you don't have the energy to make this work anymore, then you should break up with" rather than the "he's such a wonderful boyfriend, and you might end up lonely in the future" she had to endure. Yeah, she had a rough time, specially with her mom... Maybe I was already aware that there was no point in fighting for someone that lost that feeling and is tired. Or maybe it was my way of showing how frustrated I was about the way she was behaving in the final month...

In the end, what matters is that this was her decision and I just have to live with that. But there's nothing that tells me this was a good decision. It's just that there's nothing I can do about it, you know? Feels like having your candidate losing an election. I think the bad candidate won and while I disagree with him I'll just have to live with the elected government. And enjoy the freedom of being in the opposition.

Something funny happened. Now that we aren't together, this "being friends" thing is sort of weird. Because when we talk, I feel bored... but for some weird reason, I also feel a bit happy when I'm talking to her, even though I don't feel bad afterwards.

So Sunday night I started wondering why was that and I think that's because I am over the relationship but I still consider her to be a possibility in the future (yeah, it's weird, sounds like the zen on the "getting my ex back"). Feels like I am in an open relationship... but since she's surely not looking at this in that way, I don't think that's too healthy for me because I could easily get hurt.

But since I feel she is sort of relying on me for destressing (she always talks to me before a hard exam) I asked her if she would be OK if we didn't talk. That's how the dialog went:

"I feel I should do this 'cause I don't know what we are doing right now".
"Why? You talk with me. I talk with you. You said you weren't confused about us anymore".
"I am not confused about us breaking up. But I don't know if I talk to you as a friend or if I'm trying to win you back. Which is ridiculous because we must not go back. So that's a bit confusing."
"Oh... Look I have to go now, can we finish this at night?"
"If you want to say something, call me tonight. But I already told what I had to."

She didn't call at night, which I assume it means she's accepting this decision. Than after that I just sent a very short mail saying that if she really needed to talk to me, she could call, but to avoid that.

So now it's day one of full NC.

I'm feeling like crap today.

Hang in there buddy... I know how much it sucks... but it will get better. No good can come out of keeping in contact with her. Not for the mean while anyway.

Keep venting on here if you need to.

Yeah. Tsc. I agree. Though I didn't feel bad while talking to her since after the new year, I must know I can live without her before I can have her again as a friend. For my own sake.

I'm from abroad and I moved to the US for grad school and since I was already with her when I moved (didn't move because of her alone, though I didn't mind living closer to her!) I didn't make an effort to make really good friends around here... I mean, even in my home country, I was a loner before starting dating her, and I should say she's the only real friend I ever had... Funny, eh? I never had a local real friend!

So now not only I am having to get over her as my girlfriend, I am having to get over her as a friend and making connections here in this country. Yeah, sucks to be me! But, hey, work is great!

Well this makes it an even better reason to put yourself out there and meet some new people and some maybe even a new girly... you will be fine.

Yeah... right now I don't really feel like meeting women for relationships, you know? I like going to bars, flirting and doing the whole "courtship dance" because it boosts my ego, but I don't feel fine... and for some odd reason I'm finding hooking up so shallow... I wish I could have that undergrad "ah, just do it" attitude back hehe.

So right now I am doing my best to get my f**ing PhD as soon as I can and get the hell out of Ann Arbor, move to a big city again! And just relax until this is over.

That doesn't sound like fun, but flirting does, but that's just me.

What doesn't sound like fun? Doing the PhD? It sort of is... now that I am able to use my brain for thoughts different than "boohoo, I'm alone again", it is sort of fun...

Yeah I know what you mean... I definitely don't feel like meeting girls for a relationship either. But I am starting to enjoy my newfound singledom... and enjoying the shallowness of the meaningless hook up. Today I even caught myself going for a quite a few minutes without my ex popping into my head. Still a long ways to go though...

I think you guys are going to throw rocks at me after this but...

When I woke up today there was this IM message from my ex... she was talking something about a ski trip she went to yesterday with some friends... Since I asked her to talk to me only if she actually needed to and I had to walk to my lab today anyway, I decided to call. It was the first time we had a voice conversation since mid-December... I think this bothered her... I could tell her by her voice and the fact she still doesn't call me by name... now she just doesn't call me anything, just gives a pause... yeah, it's a bit awkward.

Anyway, the conversation was totally trivial, just catching up with my life and telling me what's going on with hers. So it didn't fit in the "if you really need to talk to me" category. So I basically don't know is wrong with her. Maybe I wasn't clear enough when I asked for space... but I'm not going to ask that again so I guess I'll be getting more of these IMs until she finds a new boyfriend or gets over me or whatever. Maybe she already did because we don't talk about that stuff with each other. But srsly! I didn't know I was that good of a friend for her to want to talk to me about trivial stuff even with our whole history surrounding every conversation.

So here's the thing. I would be lying to myself if I said I wouldn't go back to her if she wanted. I wouldn't jump, but I know I wouldn't resist giving a it a second try.

However, I am not doing anything to get her back, and I am not exactly holding my breath. Really. I am letting her live her life alone. Since the last phone call, in December, there was only once I started a conversation with her and that was last weeks' "please don't talk to me" one. And I am making myself busy, either with my equations, my guitar, the swimming pool, bars and clubs. And talking to her doesn't affect me any longer... it just makes me remember she exists and that silly "maybe one day" pops up in my mind, but now I just laugh at this thought every time it occurs.

So I was wondering... is keeping this situation really bad for me? I feel bad sometimes, like Thursday, but I think it has more to do with a bad day at work and when you start thinking god hates you, it's sooo easy to remember that your single again, haha. I am also concerned about her, though it shouldn't really be my problem... isn't it bad for her to keep talking to me? Should I cut her out for her own sake? She's a good person and I don't want to learn down the road that by letting her talk to me, I held her... well, it's her problem, right?

Geez. I might be the only dumpee here in this forum to say this but... How I wish she found a rebound or a new boyfriend!