Basically, me and my girlfriend have been together almost 5 months, and evrything was perfect, literally amazing until November 1st. She was meant to come to my house like normal but she had to stay at home to look after her dad, I understood fully and offered help but she didn't want any.

But here is the deal, she is 17, lost her mother in February due to cancer, and now her dad isn't expected to live to christmas. He also has cancer.
I know this is a very tough time for her, and it has messed her head up.. she doesn't know what she wants anymore, but she still says she loves me and I mean everything to her, and that shee needs me more than ever. I asked her a couple of times if she needs space to sort her head out but she didn't want too.

She is so lost about everything, and as of Sunday night / Monday morning, we agreed to go on a week break for her to sort her head out.

Im not trying to be selfish at all, I've let her know I'm there for her on a number of occasions, even though we are on a break. I just can't stand to lose her.

But this is the tricky bit.. she lives on her own with her dad.. with practically no family around. Just a stepdad and half sister in isle of wight.
She could have moved with her brother to isle of wight on a couple of occasions, but she refused so we could be together. And when she loses her dad, she will have pretty much no family.
Im so scared of losing her, but with all this going on with her dad, does she just need the space to be with him, and to get stuff done for him and because she can't handle the stress of running a relationship at the same time? I understand she see's her dad as her number 1 priority at the moment. I'm just finding it hard to get through this without her, she is shutting everyone out, and my mother has said to her she can always talk to her, I think a mother figure would help her if she can just open up.

My mum and stepdad to be has already talked amongst each other, and have to agreed that when her dad goes, which I wish he didn't have to, she could live with us, which would mean she can still finish college, go to the local university and still be with me, if she wants.

I guess its a lot to go through at this age for her, and for me as well.
Please don't say about how this is a petty teenage relationship.. this really isn't, and it's the hardest thing we both have ever had to face.

My friends and parents have given me so much advise but I'm finding it so hard to take in.

Maybe she feels she has to make me happy and can't handle doing that whilst spending as much time with her dad as she can?
She loves me, but has deleted all of the pics of us off her profiles and stuff, perhaps she just trying to not have to think about us? (she has kept them on her computer though)
She said if we didn't want to go on a break its fine, but even I know staying together at this time would nt make anything better.
She think its her and circumstances that's making our relationship hard, but I can deal with it, ill be with her through it all.. not bail on her.. but she just finds it hard to believe.. we have such an open relationship.. we can tell each other absolutely anything, and we have done.. she has told me what happened with her mother, which she hasn't told anyone else.. and has told me about her father.
She won't let anyone round her house, not even me or her bestfriends, she can't stand for anyone to see him in the state he is in, perhaps she can't let me help because she knows she is vulnerable and she knows I can see that, she is shutting herself off from her friends and not teling them about her dad, just puts on a brave face so they don't ask questions.

So much more on my mind but please try to help me sort this out in my head.
Any help appreciated, Thank you.


X

You must understand what she is going through, and put your own needs and wants on hold, and support her in a quiet caring way, making no demands at all.

This is no time to be selfish, or insecure, but do be unconditionally supportive.

She has enough to worry about without some kid bugging her for attention, but might appreciate some help, and support without asking, so pay attention for things to do that help, and if you can't do that, be kind enough to leave her alone.

Thank you for your quick reply, this is all just a new experience for me, dealing with a loved one who is going through something as terrible as this, and I am so lost about it. I am however giving her the space she needs, we usually text everyday from waking up to sleep, and so far since the week break she needs I haven't texted her at all, but I have dropped a short few messages over msn telling her I'm always here for her and that she can lean on me at anytime, and can always talk to my mum about this.

OK I don't know how to edit posts, so I'm just going to add...

My mother being there for her is a good idea right?
Not hounding her or anything, but she knows she can talk to her anytime.

If she is not complaining, don't worry about it.

Well she said she appreciates it a lot! So I guess that isn't complaining =)

I totally understand her point and yours. I wish I had had someone there when I lost my father in march '08

Im sorry to hear that bradysmama17,

I guess everyone has their own ways of greiving, be it alone or with people around.

Testing times either break a relationship or make the relationship a lot sttronger. Be aware of the little things that she could need help with, try helping in things completely away from her dad, maybe getting the shopping or something. Something small. But be aware that she probably will pass it as a small gesture but it might be what keeps your relationship alive. I think that if your mum or dad tried to help then it would prevent her thinking that you are only being supportive. Bringing them in slowly will hopefully alow her to find herself again and help ease the load that she bares. Try and assure your parents that she is who you want in your life and that you both need their support. I really really hope you pull through this.

The one thing she needs to know is that she is not alone in this, that you will be by her side when she needs it. Put her needs first, I don't think she ended it for any other reason than she has a lot on her plate and feels like it is too much to ask of you and doesn't want you to feel like you have to be there.

You are also in a tough spot because seeing someone you care about in pain and not being able to stop it is one of the hardest things to endure. You can just remind them that you are there for them

I honestly believe this will make things stronger, she does indeed pass things off as a small gesture, but I guess that is expected. The thing is things arnt over, its just on hold, I'm not too sure if she would class her or me as single at the moment.

I am giving her the space she wishes, and as a friend pointed out, the space is mine too and it has helped me realise a few things. It has really shown me how much I do truly care for her, and it has shown me that I will deffinatly stick with her through this no matter what.

Sure we may not be back together anytime soon, but that's not expected, we still love each other as she said "course i do, that will never change" so I'm going to have to bite my tongue, and be there as a supportive friend until she is ready to pick up where we left off.

Life is hard - as you and she are learning at a very young age. She is lucky to have the support of you and your family. You must continue to be there for her. Do not ask anything of her for now. Do not pressure her to make a decision about you or where she will live after. Try to find little ways to help her without getting in the way. For example, bring them groceries or cook them some meals - every day tasks that she probably doesn't have the energy for.

Thank you for the replies!
They have been a great help.

Yeh I'm trying not to pressure her or make her decide now, I understand the time helps her, and helps me as well.

The only thing is she is stubborn and says there is nothing we can do to help her and says she is fine, but I know she isn't.

She won't let anyone in her house so cooking for her may be hard, but getting groceries would be a deffo option!

Just unsure how to ask her if she would want that, I will deffo try at some point though.

She said that "She will talk to me when she can" so I just have to wait.. but soon I will drop a note through which would be nice and personal and show I'm wiling to go to hers even to drop something off.

One of the main issues in relationships that fall apart is due to how seriouse the people in the relatinship are. You have definantly shown that you have passed that insecurity and you need to hold onto that. I don't think she would class herself as single because if she hasn't got time for you then she hasn't got time for anyone else. You need to stay positive the whole time, kep doing the little bits that show her that you care about her and if it is going to work out between you then it will help a great deal. You are doing the right things but you need to be very very patient. Take the uttmost care and keep doing the things you are doing. It is good that your care for her exceeds your desire to be with her, keep going.

Thank you that means a lot!
What other little things can I do to help that wouldn't push things too much?

Maybe you could send her a little reassuring card with words that show how you feel about her. (MAKE IT Yourself!) If she knows that you will do whatever she says to help then you need only to be on call to do those little things. Getting her to do that is often harder than doing what she wants but if you aren't in a situation to be invasive, like using something which cannot be quickly replied to, then it will open her up slowly without her being able to snap back at you for making a small gesture. If your not there to talk to directly then she has to think before she acts.

That is an excellent idea! I was thinking of running through a short brief note telling her once more I'm always there for her, but I feel what you have said may be a nice option, it is very personal aswel, she hasn't got to reply, and she can hold it close instead of just reading it off a phone or computer screen.

Anything I should refrain from saying? Can I still say I love you and stuff?

Yes. Don't say anything about the relationship. Nothing at all! Only say how you feel about her and at the same time as loveing her romanticaly love her as a friend. Show that you are someone that she can rely on. You have to be able to put her needs first. So that means you need to refrain from mentioning 'us' and focus on supporting 'you'. Your love for her should fill the gap that being a friend has. Your love exceeds your need for her, you use that love to cater for the lack of attention she seems to be giving you, it has to be like this because if you over step the mark she will break.

Ok so I need to make sure I don't mention us, just her! Show that I can put my feelings on hold to help her, perhaps the ultimate form of showing her I can help! Not rush anything, but slowly help her through this by slowly helping her small amounts, but occasionaly and not all at once.

I just read a fairly big article from a magazine about dealing with grief and knowing about when someone is about to pass away and how to handle the emotions it brings, its helping me understand what she is going through.

Perhaps I should attach this with the card? Or perhaps not at once but in the near future?

I do not think this is a good idea because it is very intimidating to reseave something like that, it makes you realise what a mess you are going to be in. It is more use for you to be aware of the things it talks about and then you incorperate them in how you act.
I am sorry I cannot give you any more advice today because I must do some work and prepare for tomorrow. I will be on sometime tomorrow and I will think about it whilst I am away. Out of interest what age do you think I am?

Ah OK, will take note and hold back from sending the article.
Thank you for your advice you have been so amazingly helpful!
Look forward to hearing back from you again!
Erm, you seem very informative about this, I'm guessing around 25?

I am glad I have helped and I am surprised to hear that you describe me as a 25yr old. I am actually 14 but I hope you don't think that my advise is less useful knowing my age. I will think about it whilst I am at school. Keep up the good work

I am shocked! But I see you in no other way as very imformative and mature about the way you go about this advise, thank you for the support and you know you don't have to think about this in your own personal time! Thank you, its nice to know I'm still doing the right things.

Im glad you understand! Keep positive!

Will do! Thank You :)

this is exactly how she said it if it helps you understand more:

(00:31) C h a r l ii;; x: i noo u don't want this and if u don't want to do it then fineee... but what iff we cut off from each otherr for a week... like break up and if my heads sortedd and I finkk thatt we can do thiss then well get bk together if nt then... I don't know
(00:33) K y l e: but do u honestly think your head will be sorted in a week
(00:33) C h a r l ii;; x: if I have time to think

There is just too much energy involved when caring for a loved one, that pretty much everything gets put on hold.

Buying dinner from a Boston Market or bringing smething that she might not have time to cook, I think would be appreciated. Don't ask to stay. Don't linger. If it gets dropped off, just do that.

If you know she's home, just drop the meal off and call her that it was delivered by you with a little note. Just make sure the dinner is easily used for another day. Something like a "Boston Market" meal or dinner from home.

Yeh I understand she doesn't have time for me at the moment, hence the space.

That is a good idea, I could aways knock on her door, leave it on the doorstep and leave swiftly without her seeing me, but leave a note with it.

My mum has left her a message this morning, and part of it explained that we can always drop groceries off, or give her lifts and stuff.
So at least she knows.

Im going to drop of the "Thinking of you" card later tonight, which contains a letter inside, and the boreder of it I have filled in with lyrics from a song she loves that was made by lots of artists for cancer.

How about attaching a cd with the card and letter, with a few songs she likes, that we listen to together?

I could list the songs so far if you want to know!

Maybe save the cd for another week. By the look of her text she is trying not to worry you. I don't think her head is going to sort it self out until she opens up or the sad enevitable happens. If it is the latter then your family needs to be ready to catch her because she will feel lost and alone. Do not worry about your relationship because mentioning it to her would only make things worse, as I said before you have to be extremely patient and steadfast. Ten days to get over losing the last immediate family member isn't realistic. It might take a month it might take 3 months before she has time to think about your relationship but with little reminders every so often she will have the thought put into her head and then stored at the back of the pile. I think you are being far to hasty, you have asked if she needs help, you have spoken to your familly, your mum has left a message, you need to slow down. You love her so much and you don't want to lose her so do the minimum. You are carring too much. It is sad but I think she needs to get through this by herself. Like I said don't mention us - if you send a cd with the stuff you listned to together then she will think that you are putting your relationship over her dad especially because she hasn't got her mum to turn to. Maybe you could ask your mum to play a larger role in it, ask her to be there for her because she will find it easier to open up to a mother figure. If your mum (or dad) did some of the little things like cooking a meal or dropping of groceries then she would have no reason to think that you only want to secure your relationship. I know you wouldn't think like that but as you say she is messed up. Your mum needs to be able to go and help her without you asking her to. Understand that it is impossible to replace a mother, keep hope but most importantly you [U]have[U] to take it slower. It will be hard but it is necessary. Keep us posted

Ok, I've taken in what you have said and will refrain from sending the CD. I was unsure about it anyway to be honest.

I have however, got a "thinking of you" card, and have written a letter explaining once more, I will always be here for her, and can lean on me whenever she needs, I also explained I believe she is very strong and brave, and as tough as nails.
Around the outside of the letter, within the borders I have wrote a few lyrics from a song she listens to a lot, which is made by lots of various women celebrity's singing for people with cancer. I've decorated it a bit, colouring words such as "heart" in red. Things like that, if you would like to read the lyrics here they are: Just Stand Up Lyrics:Various Artists Just Stand Up Lyrics

If you believe this is a bad idea, please say as I think I will be dropping this off later tonight.

And also, her best mate talks to me on msn now, which she never used too.
For instance today, she started talking to me as if we were good mates, this about 6pm. She said she was going to fireworks with kellie and charli. Charli hadn't been on msn all day, and they live very close together, so part of me thinks charli was there telling her to talk to me, maybe to see if I was OK? Either way I'm acting kind of normal.. but a bit miffed too.
I also said don't tell charli but I'm listening to westlife! Which we have always had a thing where she will be like, "You love them" and ill be like "NOOO!".. and I know her best mate will tell her, so I thought that was pretty sly!

I think it is a good idea but be very careful not to over do it. You don't want her to feel preassured by you. Maybe you could ask the friend if you seem too 'clingy'. As in does it seem like you are trying really hard not to lose her. You need to try and think of you as her friend until she pulls through, maybe even try and put that in the card. Something small which shows that you aren't stressed about her being messed up or that you understand what she has to do and that you support her in what she does no matter what. It will reasure her that your relationship is not something that she needs to worry about. That would add extra meaning to the letter.

Hmm yeah I understand what you mean.

Ill write out the letter very shortly on here, so you can see my base idea, it hasn't been done yet, just a rough one.

Charli,
I hope everything is OK with you and your Dad.
I know your going through a tough time right now, and that you may be feeling down, scared, lost and confused.
But just remember I'm here for you, whether its 4 in the morning or 7 in the evening, even if its just for a chat don't be afraid to ask sweetie.
You can always lean on me, ill support you through anything, trust me on that. Even if its just help with your college work.
Just remember you don't need to bottle any emotions up, don't worry about feeling vulnerable, its natural.
You don't have to be alone through any of this, just believe, try your best and remember you don't have to put on a brave face to me.
You are such a brave and strong woman. You may not believe it but deep down your as tough as nails, and you can pull through anything.
You may feel like you can't take it, want to give up, feel alone and isolated, but remember your not alone. You will never be alone, ever.
Of course there is no rush for you to let everything out, just know that I am here, ready if you need me. Even if its just for a hug.
Things will get better sweetie, they will.

Never going to give up on you.
Hugs and kisses
I Love You
Kyle
Xxxx <3

Its good but I think it focuses very slightly too much on the relationship. It is caring and considerate and it will help her feel she has someone to rely on. After showing her that you are there to help you cannot do anything else, she must make up her own decision.

Ok, so after this just let her be?

I was thinking of perhaps adding "there is no rush at all, take all the time you need" or is that still focusing on relationship a bit?

What else from that focuses on the relationship?

Maybe add that in but looking at it from her point of view so instead of there is no rush at all maybe say something like "dont worry about us.. (just do what you need to do)..." you can think of something more personal of course but then you are looking at it from the view of getting her priorities right and you supporting her in that.

How about "i know our relationship isnt the top priority right now, so just take all the time you need"

Yes that is very good but don't be completely contet, there maybe a better way of saying it. Maybe changing the last bit again so it focuses on her dad rather than on you?

"I know our relationship isnt your top priority right now, which is totaly understandable, i hope this space is helping you alot, if you need more time to be around your dad and to get work done dont hesitate to ask ok!" perhaps that? Maybe with a few minor changes or not?

Really want to get this right!

Yes don't be content but it is a lot better. It is a lot more meanigful if you take her side on it but again too much will spoil it. Maybe the bit about her just asking if she wants more time seems like you need to be asked. Maybe even simplyfying it to I know our relationship isn't your top priority right now and I totally agree that it shouldn't be, just know that I am here for you and I that I will suppport you in whatever you do. Again you will think of a better way of saying it but this takes away from mentioning her dad and stops her thinking you are eager to get back into a relationship. You are the best judge but you need to really say it right for it to work