I am sure these questions have been answered before but I have been browsing the forums for a few days and feel it may help to ask my story to the community.

My girlfriend of 11 months and who I've known for 3 1/2 years just broke up with me a few weeks ago and I am having some trouble as this was my first real love and someone who I had a connection with like no other.

Just to bring everyone up to speed. Sorry for the length but it helps me too I think if I get to talk and get it out of my system.

We met at work 3 1/2 years ago and I always thought she looked amazing from day one. And, what was even better was her as a person--her personality, humor and character, etc. made her like no one I've ever met. We became friends and best friends at that. And, real quick, I'm 22 and she is 26. Then last year about this time (October/November 2007) I realized that I truly had feelings for her. I thought a lot about it and asked myself to make sure I wasn't just creating some feelings just because we were spending more time together and the fact she was my best friend. She started becoming really close to me and would wind up putting her head on my shoulder if she was tired at work or if we would go out with friends she would always want to be right across the table from me so we could talk. I kept my feeling to myself until I could figure out how to tell her and gauge the situation to see if she was just a friend or more.

Flash forward to December. My Grandmother passes away and I get the call when both of us are at a work Christmas party and she is there for me all night long to comfort me. That's when I knew I had to tell her. I waited a few more days and in that time we were hanging out at my place and we were sitting there talking and she just gets all tense and says... "OK I have to tell you something, I can't wait any longer..I really like you and have fallen in love with you". I just smile and feel that rush. I tell her "I feel the exact same way and was going to tell you on Christmas" which is only a day or 2 away. I was just scared because I thought I would be rejected. So we kiss for the first time and it was like nothing else in this world. She said "that felt so good, I've been wanting to do that for so long, I am in love with you.

We become a very happy couple and she and I do some amazing things and care for each other like you wouldn't believe. Just, one surprising the other with romantic getaways, little surprises, etc. I would always be inspired and make some kind of art for her and she likewise would get creative as well. It was as good as life could get. Then this summer we both decided we didn't like our jobs anymore and it we needed to go where we decided we would be happy--L.A. as we both work in the media it had always been our dream. I had money saved for just such an occasion and always had it earmarked for something good like this. We talked about it, and talked about it and made sure it was the smartest and wise decision for us and the future. We moved to California and lived together because it is so expensive. It was great and she loved every second of it. We began the job hunt with our contacts and she came up unsuccessful so she decided to freelance in Chicago for a few weeks-where she is from. As she has a college instructor who she is friends with would let her stay at their house while she was in town. That's where all this starts taking a turn.

She initially missed me genuinely it felt. I just called or texted her everyday and she would do the same as when you are close with someone you love it is always nice to say hi. Anyway, she wound up having to stay another few weeks and another few weeks, etc. And, the freelance wasn't panning out as much as she wanted but she was staying for some opportunities in the coming weeks. I tried my best to be supportive as I know she needs money and a job and in our industry people do this stuff on a daily basis. Well, she comes back for a weekend to get some fresher clothes, etc. and she seems distant. She always, always loved cuddling and just having me hold her. I was hoping to since I knew she would have to go back in a day we could when she was back but it never happened. She was stressed and needed to sleep by herself as it was back on a plane for her in the morning. That made me very sad but I knew she was stressed and understood. She also wound up re-dying her hair, which looking back was another thing different, even though subconscious red flag I didn't see.

So, she goes back to Chicago and works freelance but it's off and on and really no better an opportunity than if she didn't go in my opinion. It seemed like she was there in Chicago trying but not doing. I missed her so much and told her I felt really lonely since she had been gone for so many weeks--I miss the person who is my best friend and love.

Finally one day. (Oct 13th) I was on AIM talking to her and she really seemed down. I could tell something was wrong and had asked her a day before the same question..."is everything alight? I hope you are OK" She knew and did always talk to me about everything in her life and I did the same. So, I gently pried because I knew something was wrong. She told me she needed time and that since she has had time to be away she feels she is in a relationship she wasn't ready for and not only that but she felt she wasn't giving her % of the relationship. I was completely caught off guard and told her that she was. She said she couldn't give me what I want. And, I said that doesn't make sense because you are and you always have where is this coming from. She got around to me "not being right for her" and that we supposedly "didn't mesh in that way" which was weird because we had been just fine up until she went to Chicago. I lost it and she wound up calling seconds later after I didn't respond. Even the night before she was herself (wanting to cuddle, etc.) and then she goes to Chicago and it's like a flip of the switch. She said she wanted to be a part of my life still and that I am an amazing guy and that she is dumb for doing this. The only real reason she cited on my end was that I was being "too there for her always"--too nice of a guy. And, that I hadn't been as much of a challenge for her the last month or had been fighting back and pushing her buttons, which she told me she craves. I had backed off because she was stressed and didn't want to push buttons!!! Argh Anyway, I felt it was weird and scripted the whole thing. Then I remembered. This college instructor friend of hers who she stayed with in Chicago, who I met last year actually. He told me once that she wasn't ready for a relationship, which was weird. I didn't think it was his business and it felt like he was being a father figure of sorts and since we were happy it didn't make sense. He was a cool guy and knew we were happy but it was still odd. So, I find it odd that when she is there with this guy again I feel like some meddling has gone on. And, perhaps some bad advice all of a sudden. Especially when it sounds the same. Anyway, I lost it when I heard this news I cried and was on the floor with no one here. She wanted to be here to tell me these things so this wouldn't happen. It was the worst day of my life to this day. She kept apologizing and saying she felt terrible that she was hurting me and breaking my heart.

After that was on the table she seemed to want to talk more in the days after which I find annoying. It's like a build up of distancing and then you all of a sudden want me to 'be there'.

So, that sucked and then come to find out she applied to a fulltime job in Chicago, got it and is now moved there as of last weekend. I know she is doing what she has to do in life to make money and live but it is like everything was fine and then she goes to Chicago and everything changes upside down.

She came out this past weekend to pack up some stuff to move and I picked her and her friend (the college instructor, who she was driving back with) at the airport late Saturday night. On the car ride home I told her I was sorry that it didn't work for her in Hollywood right now and hoped she would be back to follow her dream. She replied "I'm going to Chicago, going to make enough money, move to an island and have monkey butlers". Which kinda hurt knowing that in spite she didn't want to come back. We go out to dinner one last time while she is here and I felt really out of place and sad because this girl meant so much to me and I wanted to spend my life with her and the feeling was mutual and then all crashes down. I ate 1 bite of food and felt sick. I started drawing conclusions in my head that those two were hooking up but then thought there's no way, age difference, he has kids, they are friends, etc. and I didn't get any sleep that night. He slept on the couch, she slept in her room and me in mine. But, I felt really terrible because When I was in the bathroom I swear I hear a kiss and when we all went to bed I heard her phone get a txt message (it's 3:30 in the am) All I could think about is them txting each other. IS HAPPENING!!! To make it all worse this guy is now going to be roomates with her in Chicago as he is moving and needs a place to stay until he finds a new house. ! It's like I don't matter out of the blue. I really don't think anything is going on there and that I'm just scaring myself--people are allowed to have friends and my mind may be playing tricks on me (sounds, etc.)

We said goodbye in the morning and I gave her a goodbye card and a hug and lost it again-I was shaking. I love this woman so much and now she is leaving. She said it would be ok and that I am where I need to be and she has to go where she needs to go right now. She said she is always a phone call away at any time and that she will come visit, etc. and that I am not loosing her as a friend. So, she left and I felt even more down and out than ever. Just a quick note. The place she is moving to is paid for by her job and we co-signed the lease here in CA for a year and she intends on paying her share of the rent still. Anyway, up until this point I was talking to her. Sad, but talking. Then when she left she txted me a few times from the road asking how I was. I said I was having a difficult time and she responded it will take time but it will get better. I decided to go No Contact after that.

Just yesterday I get a reply to a week old email from her saying she had the flu, etc. I wasn't going to respond but I just started yesterday seeing a therapist for this and they agreed it would be mature of me to at least respond once with an explanation for no contact. I did. But I believe I may have been too 'direct'. Because the thing is I still want to be with her and feel I have wrecked my chances. I just want her to figure things out because I think she is just very confused and seriously would talk to her about being together again. I told her in reply "Sorry to hear that. I hope you are feeling better. We need time and I don't feel you can be a part of my life right now- talking to you, seeing you, etc. because it gives me hope for something that may never happen and I want most but can't have. " Did I kill the possibility of ever reconciling? I wasn't thinking clearly. But by the same token I was being somewhat headstrong because I have realized I can't be friends with her as much as I may want that and even though I said it initially without a clear mind. I could not mentally and physically handle seeing her in another relationship, kiss other men, get married, etc. It hurts too much to even think of that. But, I think I know that is what's going to happen :( I also have realized that the few things she said I was doing (always being there, no pushing back) we're things I knew I did/didn't do and honestly easy fixes and things that can be worked on in a relationship. And, I didn't realize until today after thinking why I did/didn't do those small things and feel I should explain. Like I said I was doing some of that on purpose lately. But, in the end I feel a little regret for sending this message to her. Should I apologize in some fashion because she hasn't been mean and I feel like I just was. Especially since I want to have a chance maybe in the future when and if she is ready maybe. I know I'm not waiting but I know she isn't being herself for some reason. I just hate giving up and so does she! It sucks plain and simple I know she didn't mean any of this to happen. I just feel like we haven't talked or even tried to about it. It was just a done deal from her end that I still feel she is unsure of.

I have a lot more to say but if there are any questions please ask... anything!! Thank you all for listening. Thank you a lot.

And I have to add this is even harder because she still has half of her stuff here and she doesn't know she's coming to get it. And since she is paying half the rent it isn't fair for me to ask that she take it all. Plus, she left a lot of the 'household items' because she didn't want to leave me with nothing and she will have a fully furnished place. This may make things tough unless by a miracle we can work things out. I believe we can because but if she doesn't want to then I guess there's no way to.

Oh and sorry. One small thing. Is it worth seeing a therapist over? I have been once but it is expensive. I am only going cause they understand why my mind is doing what it is doing in this new situation. I started having nightmares and not sleeping so good after the no contact. I am 3 weeks into this breakup. So is it worth it? Any experience with it or am I going to get the same info here as I would there?

Thanks

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This was my first real love and someone who I had a connection with like no other.

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Since you have no experience, and this is the first time through this, of course it hurts, and more than confusing.

Yes, this is over, and its time to accept it, and heal, and move on. Yes it sucks big time, but it happens to everyone.

You will go through the hurt, and time will heal you, so all I can offer is for you to read the stickies in this forum, and ask all the questions you want. Or vent, we get a lot of that here also.

The main thing is to put your focus on you, and going back to what you were doing before you met her, and adding some people, and activities, you enjoy.

It's a slow hard process, so you'll need a lot of patience.

Well said. I am trying to get back into the swing of things especially since I am new to the area and don't have any friends or real support system. I have definitely called my friends and family but its tough. The big thing on my mind right now is the last thing I said to her in reply to her email.

"We need time and I don't feel you can be a part of my life right now- talking to you, seeing you, etc. because it gives me hope for something that may never happen and I want most but can't have."

I feel like I was really cold and was said in haste- it isn't like me and don't want a cold version of me to be the last thing she may remember. If anything I feel like I want to apologize for that, especially since she hasn't been mean to me at all or ever. Is this a bad thing to do? If anything it was recommended by this therapist that I be mature about it and at least give a reason for not answering back. So, hence my other question... is it worth seeing a therapist or are they only going to give me the same answers you think? I know I may be fooling myself here and I know that to an extent. I am just looking for guidance and the best routes to take through a hard time. I have read the stickies and they help but I have this thought in the back of my mind that a professional will help me especially since I don't have anyone here.

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If anything I feel like I want to apologize for that

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Forget it, leave it alone, and build a life that you enjoy without her in it.

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I have this thought in the back of my mind that a professional will help me especially since I don't have anyone here.

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If that's what you need, then go for it! I won't tell you otherwise.

In your case, he will tell you the same things you'll find here, but having an actual face to face conversation, is better. You do need to get busy though, working on you.

I think your email was PERFECT to her man :)

All the stuff you are feeling now is perfectly Normal.
You feel hurt and lost.
No Wonder! You was planing a life out with someone and they up and leave.

Hens my view.. should always plan your life and have someone to follow you if they come.

And can I just say WOW!
What a read.. man I was shaking my head in parts of that story.. going What! ( are you serious)

Well I must say you did really well. Going NC and sending that email was real class.

I would not care about your chances she has moved off to another place. And the way she has treated you.. my friend is not the best.

So keep on no contact.
And work on your life.
And let her go off to the island with monkeys on it.

Which I might add is one of the most moronic things I have ever heard.

Good luck man you are doing the right thing!

I am working on focusing on me right now--I am trying. It is going to be interesting because who knows when she will be back to get the rest of her stuff and since she is still a part of the lease till next year she will be in my life in some way. It is just a constant reminder! I am trying my best to start to take away the importance of things with her and meanings (it's very very hard and I seem to get very down every time I have to)... Our favorite TV shows, etc. I just feel like it is starting to eat at me too--the fact that I am realizing what she said and feeling like I want to explain to her why I hadn't been aggressive enough towards her lately.

I'm back here to talk as I'm really having a very tough day and need to just put words on paper. Since my last post I have had about a week where I felt the closest to OK I've been and then that just ended all of a sudden and I am feeling so awful. It is just this feeling of major loss. I mean nothing has ever made me cry so much or hurt so bad. I get this sick feeling from time to time if ever things cross my mind. And, that's been really tough. I will be doing something and then all of a sudden the thought of her pops into my mind and I can't shake it. Even when I'm sleeping and wake up to get a drink of water I'll be walking back to bed half out of it and then out of nowhere I get depressed. I have been trying my best to stay busy but I have yet to make any friends here in LA and everyone seems to be on their own schedule (it's really not a myth). I feel so isolated and lost right now. Even at work I am off by myself and don't get as much interaction as I like. I just don't have that person that will help me though things or go out and do stuff with. I feel like there is no real familiar comfort. I wake up, work on freelance projects, go to work sometimes long hours and come home to an 'empty' house. I know that I am not having as much fun as I should and that worries me. I know I will again--I just get concerned sometimes that this experience will break me down even more.

I feel like I thought I was getting better day by day and now I am even worse off. I know there is nothing to I can do and that's how it is right now-that's the logic. But emotionally I am having a hard time coping with the loss of love and something we worked worked hard for.

It's also very strange for me right now. I still have this feeling of loyalty towards her. I am always loyal to the people I care most about friends, family--that's just a part of my personality that I know I have. So, I almost feel like I am doing something against my values to just brush her off. What I am trying to figure out is what I do with this film we shot last year and were finishing up and how to go about that. I don't want to throw it by the wayside as it was one of her big goals to make as she wrote and directed it. I provided the camera gear, lights, etc. edit system, special effects, etc. But, yikes, I don't know what to do with this as it is 75% finished in post production and I have all the media for it. Do I finish it myself even though I look at it as her's and it was a team effort? Do I send her all the files to finish on her own even though I have worked on it. It's not fair to all the other crew and cast involved either to toss it on the back burner till she realizes she wants to finish it. I have my time, money and gear invested in it and she has equal contributions-It is just such a crappy place to be in because I know I must keep NC but there is so much that needs to be figured out-not just this-- Hell, half her stuff is still here. She just left so quick after being gone for so long already nothing was organized. And for me organization/understanding what's the plan is important.

I wish things were different and she came to her senses and we could work to be back in each others lives (but that is just a dream) I just want this pain to go away and be in love with someone who can truly love me back.

Thanks... all this has been on my mind all day at work --yes working on a Saturday :( and it obviously wouldn't feel right to talk to the other 2 people in the company about these things. I just had to try my best to hold it in. So, thanks. And feel free to weigh in on anything I have said. I do feel some comfort when I get advice.

Hey, your feelings that you are suffering from today are normal. You can expect that you will have a week here and there that things will go okay, but then you will have days that will just crush you on the inside. I will tell you the same that everyone else on here will, and that is that the days will get easier. I can understand that you feel like you were harsh in your email to her, and of course you feel like what you have said possibly ruined any chance of the two of you ever being together again, however, thinking like that, is something you are going to need to let go of. To put your mind a little at ease though, take in to account that she told you that she told you that you were "too there for her, and that you weren't pushing her buttons...". Well, your email is neither of those. In addition, you need to realize that she wasn't exactly the nicest person to you. Of course she wasn't a b!tch verbally to you, but emotionally, she screwed you badly. You didn't say anything bad at all in that email. You said exactly what you needed to, and now you need to do exactly what you said.

She did you wrong, no matter how you want to look at it, and it is natural for you to want to sit there and defend her in your mind by saying that she was doing her part and she was giving 100%, but the truth is that she wasn't, otherwise the two of you would be together. It doesn't matter what her reasons are for giving up on your relationship, but the point is that she couldn't hold up her end of the deal and she gave up. There is no excuse for that, and that is why you are better off building a life without her in it. You don't need someone like that in your life. You don't owe her anything and you need to remember that. You gave your all, she didn't and that is something that will be important for you to remember as you go through this recovery period.

Take whatever is hers in your apt, or house and put it in a closet if you can. Put it out of your site and if you need to replace it with something new. Take anything that reminds you of her and put it in a box and in a closet... if you need to, throw it all away. If that video is really bugging you, then just send it to her and tell her she can do whatever it is that she wants with it... and leave it in her hands.

Get in gear and do things that you have never done before. Try new restaurants, cook new food, go to new places, and do things just as yourself. Yes, it would be nice to know people and it would be nice to just have someone to hang out with here and there, but don't worry about anyone else right now. Just love yourself. Just enjoy this alone time. You will have the rest of your life to spend with other people. In addition, take this time to work towards your goals, and motivate yourself by knowing that if you work hard and things start rolling your way, you will feel good about yourself. Then if you really wanted to be back with this girl, you will be in a much greater place, and she probably will still be where she is now, and then you will be the one that gets to make the decisions... but don't necessarily count on her wanting you, but thinking like this, will help you motivate yourself to work hard, and make yourself better, and you will be amazed how things start going your way.

Also, get to a gym. It will help you relieve stress, take your mind off things, and you will feel great about how you look and feel.

In your alone time, watch movies, read, write, go sightseeing, and even just go walking or biking just for the heck of it.

And, of course keep coming on here and venting and reading. You aren't alone, and we are all here for you.

I don't want to be presumed as a preacher but the best advice is to grab the Bible and just as soon as you open the pages where your eyes fall start reading and you will see that all will be well.

I know that in time things will be OK. It just has been tough not having any sort of familiarity for a few months now. I know deep down some of my thoughts and fears aren't true but it's so hard to see past them right now. I am obviously fearing I have lost 'the one' in my mind and that no other woman will ever love me the same way (when things were good) or look at me with that special look (one of the hardest things to think about) or do any of the nice and amazing sweet things my ex ever did, etc. These are just a few of the recent things that cross my mind (which I know is totally untrue and had never been a thought ever before). I always put all my effort into anything I do and our relationship was the forefront of that. I just worry myself that I won't put as much effort in next time so I won't be as hurt if things don't work (even though I know I will). I just want to make sure I don't loose that and I fear that. I just hope no matter what she ends up happy with her life. I love her and that's what I know I want for her it's so hard to part with that.

I already put away everything special to me. I had always saved every movie ticket every little everything from when we went places or did anything and kept them in a special box with letters from her, etc. I am actually going to take it and send it to my brother's house to hold on to and stash away for me. Because the closet is not good enough for that and I can't stand to throw that stuff out just yet. It really isn't right in my mind to toss that out, especially if something ever changed.

As for her stuff. I grouped as much of it as I could and tried to stash it away. The hard part is the fact that this was 'our place'. We decorated the whole place together and now that is just depressing me. So, I guess I'm going to switch a lot up when I get the chance. It is such a messy situation though. Because she is still obligated to the lease and, well, hasn't paid dime one so far of her own money. I am not about to cover all of the rest of the lease while she lives free in Chicago (her place is paid for by her employer) and stores all of her stuff here. And, what's worse is this 38 year old guy friend of hers, who I don't think is anything more than a friend is also her room-mate and he has money to get his own place. I feel a little taken advantage of on that. This next month will be the test to see if she actually will help on the lease she signed. Up until the break I was totally cool with investing in our future and helping her while she was lining up a new job but once that future has been decided not to continue by her I can't and won't do that. Plus, there has to be some responsibility on her part that she can't just make these decisions and not see any consequences. I am just so confused how someone could change so much, so quickly. I am just heartbroken too in the fact I feel some of this was coached by her 'friend' for what reasons I don't know. I just get that feeling.

I will keep trying though and making the effort everyday to move on. But, I hate how different it feels at the same time.

I just read this, and my heart goes out to you. I am almost certain that after reading this and seeing the signs, this man is the cause of your problems.

It's interesting that things are going great, until she meets this new guy, isn't it? She dyes her hair, buys new clothes when she is going to Chicago, which is where I am assuming she met him. This woman is as good as vermin. She dragged you all the way out to LA, and then when sugar daddy college professor comes along, she up and leaves you.

Do not feel bad about this. This goes to show that even in long lasting relationships, that people can still show their true colors no matter how much you may think you know them, or no matter how nice they are to you at one particular moment.

I also like how she mentions that you "arent challenging" anymore. This sounds like something a high school girl would go for. Up and moving in with some guy you've been talking with for awhile also is something that a young, childish girl would do.

You put in your all, you get dragged to LA, presumably for HER interests and dreams, she SCREWS you for some older guy, and now she is going to try and SCREW you again by ditching you and leaving you with this lease. Tell her that you are paying half and giving it to the land lord, and that you'll be damned if you are paying that whole thing, that you'll let the land lord ruin both of your credit scores and take you both to court before you do so. I have done this and got the money out of someone before.

You seem like a really nice guy, but stand up for yourself now and show her that what she did to you, how she betrayed your trust and let herself open up to this new guy was an absolute attrocity considering the amount of sacrafices you've made for her. Let her see the new you, a real man who doesn't stand for high school girl games. Make her pay.

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Originally Posted by High Max

I just read this, and my heart goes out to you. I am almost certain that after reading this and seeing the signs, this man is the cause of your problems.

It's interesting that things are going great, until she meets this new guy, isn't it? She dyes her hair, buys new clothes when she is going to Chicago, which is where I am assuming she met him. This woman is as good as vermin. She dragged you all the way out to LA, and then when sugar daddy college professor comes along, she up and leaves you.

Do not feel bad about this. This goes to show that even in long lasting relationships, that people can still show their true colors no matter how much you may think you know them, or no matter how nice they are to you at one particular moment.

I also like how she mentions that you "arent challenging" anymore. This sounds like something a high school girl would go for. Up and moving in with some guy you've been talking with for awhile also is something that a young, childish girl would do.

You put in your all, you get dragged to LA, presumably for HER interests and dreams, she SCREWS you for some older guy, and now she is going to try and SCREW you again by ditching you and leaving you with this lease. Tell her that you are paying half and giving it to the land lord, and that you'll be damned if you are paying that whole thing, that you'll let the land lord ruin both of your credit scores and take you both to court before you do so. I have done this and got the money out of someone before.

You seem like a really nice guy, but stand up for yourself now and show her that what she did to you, how she betrayed your trust and let herself open up to this new guy was an absolute attrocity considering the amount of sacrafices you've made for her. Go ahead and let her see the new you, a real man who doesn't stand for high school girl games. Make her pay.

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It's not that she met this guy. She has known this guy since she was in college 4 years ago. I surely hope there is nothing going on as it is plain weird.

Yes I find it very interesting and depressing that she goes to Chicago for what was supposed to be a week or 2 and then all is not well. There were never any signs before that trip.

Just to make one thing clear though. She didn't drag me to l.a. we went together not just for 'us' but for the opportunities. It was my dream too which is why it is hard not having her a part of it.

Yes, people do show their true colors. And that is something I am trying to wrap my head around. It's just there were more than 'particular moments'--try everyday... every day was amazing in some way or another. I went to bed knowing and feeling I was very lucky to have found someone (who I thought was the one) and who was like no one I had ever met in my life. I meant every "i love you" and was, well, very aware that I had something very special.

I am also quite sad too at the challenge aspect. Exactly! I hate to sum things up as a game. And while that was never the case that reason for not wanting to be together is so thin and I feel once again like it was coached. --even when she told me all of these few things it was so scripted like she had been given lines to read.

I know I will stand up and 'fight back' on some of these things but being NC makes that difficult. I think I will wait another month and see what may come of things. The problem is she knows I have enough money to cover things and even though she said she knows she still has the responsibility of rent I am worried that will 'slip' her mind.

It just is terrible because I still know she is a good person and don't want to be mean to her--because 1.) that's not me, 2.) even through it all she never was mean to me. Plus, don't yell at me, but if I do go about things in a very direct and mean manner then I feel I would loose any chance in the future if things ever changed. --something still feels not right about it all. I am so sad inside because I feel like I must throw away a friend and someone who I loved to death. Maybe it's me just mourning the loss of really being in love still.

Yeah it sucks for quite a while, but after you mourn the death of this relationship, it gets better.

By not being straightforward and stern , and instead just being nice and genuine, you will not be standing up for yourself and your moral beliefs, and also you will be doing exactly what she dislikes, and that is being to easy about things and not pushing enough of her buttons. By being to easy and not showing that you are a man and you won't just be walked all over, that will give you more of a chance of anything ever happening again more than being nice will... but still, the reality is, you need to not think about if it will ever happen again... that is not in your hands or her hands. She has things to learn and you have a life to continue to live and if it ever comes to you two being together it again it will be by force of nature or at the hands of someone or something other than you or her.

Hey pal, I can see you already have more posts then your original, and I wanted to say first I know it absolutely sucks right now but it WILL get better I promise you, and post on this site as much as you want and need I'll try my best to keep up and help you out just like everyone else was. The email and everything was done with class and the right thing to do for the circumstances, I suggest getting in a ritual with yourself and your friends maybe like work and the gym is good to kill time and get it out. Take it one day at a time my friend.

Thanks guys! I definitely appreciate the conversation. Thanks LCM, it gives me a little bit of comfort to know absolute strangers will be there for you and that people have hearts.

I won't be walked over that much is true. I am just very lost and confused right now. Especially being NC for about a month now trying to figure out how to push things if she doesn't follow though. It is so overwhelming and I am so sick of being alone. You have to remember before all this went down she had already been in Chicago temporarily for 1.5 months working and then all this happens. I know I can't change any of it. I am just so sad as I haven't made any friends yet and, well, I feel abandoned too.

Just this afternoon I went out to the mall and downtown just to walk around and be around people it was nice but everything has felt so weird since losing her for one and also when I look around I don't know anyone. I know it will get better-it has to. I just was least expecting my life to take such a downward spiral. I'm almost 23 and feel like this isn't how my life should be. But again there is nothing I can do. I want so bad to shake these empty feelings. I never thought of these days when I would be huddled up and crying over someone.

I have to say this really is messing with me. I also started to get new things to organize the house. A lot of the kitchen stuff is hers but she left it all so I would have something to use-she said she even though she broke up with me she still had a heart. But, I don't want any of this stuff because it makes me sad. It is so ridiculous when I think about it but it hurts so bad to even use the toaster or the dishes. So, I am slowly getting new stuff and will continue to pile that stuff with the other items she left. I just wish I could understand and above all else I wish I wasn't alone.

This happens to all the fellas (and females) at one time, or another so you are never alone for sure, ask any one here.

I feel your pain man. I was in the 3.5 year long distance relationship, saw her last weekend, and now she needs time. It just doesn't make sense, just like your situation, but we both have no control over it. I too have that slim hope we will be back together, I'm just hoping to shake it soon. Or maybe get closure after I see her in a month.

That's what is so hard as well... besides everything. There doesn't feel like there is a sense of closure, especially since nothing 'bad' happened.

Just out of curiosity why are you going to see her in a month turtleneck123? All I know is when mine came back to get half her stuff it was so incredibly hard to handle because it felt like someone waving something you want so bad right in front of your face that you can't have but multiplied by a million and she brought along her friend she is living with now--the one who I feel sabotaged this in some ways. I didn't sleep for a whole day and a half while she was here and after she left.

It's so hard to let go and go through this roller coaster. Hell, just since my last post I feel a little different and then will keep relapsing and loose it again. I just can't stop thinking of a million different things. Her, every day we spent together, the kissing, cuddling, etc. and then I think if I will ever find someone like that ever again, and then hoping that will happen soon even though I can't give myself right now to someone, then I think of how will I know love again, :( just all these thoughts that I can't answer. What I wouldn't give to have her in my arms right now.

And best of luck turtleneck123, stay strong. It's so hard I know. But that's all we can try to do I guess. Easier said then done--i know.

Everything was cool with the relationship from what she says, its just the distance. (I don't know if I believe what she says or not) but anyway, I didn't try to argue with her or yell or anything. She said she just needed time for herself ad wanted to be alone right now. We are seeing each other in a month because I always go up there after xmas, I plan to see other people, and I do want to see her. I said I wasn't going and she offered to pay (when she doesn't have much money), so I said ill go as long as I'm not going to be just a friend up there to you, it will be too hard. She said we will never be friends, doesn't want to be friends, wants it to be "us" like it has always been. She said "why would it be any different? you will be up here now and thats all that I want" because I am no longer contacting her, I told her that if the situation changes, i.e.. She is seeing someone else, feelings change, etc. let me know and I won't come.

I guess I'm going because I will have fun up there regardless, as long as she keeps to what she has said. If we were on bad terms right now, I wouldn't be staying with her, but we aren't. But, there is a month for bad terms to develop. I figure seeing her will give me closure and know that it would be a fantasy to come true if we got back together. I want to stay on good terms with her, if she doesn't handle things the wrong way. Because there is a good chance I will be living close to where she is now in a couple years, and if there is no bad blood, anything is possible again. However, from my one past experience, once I get over a girl, I'm done with her for good. But that did end on very bad terms. This girl has not hurt me yet with someone else, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did.

It has only been a few days, but because I am studying for law school finals, just sitting around all day studying, it is on my mind constantly. This board has helped out a lot though. My feelings bounce back and forth throughout the day; being sad, confused as to why someone would do this, angry that she is doing this, betrayed. I even had a moment yesterday where I thought I should be trying to contact her and get her back.

Similar to your situation, there is no closure, because nothing bad happened yet that I know of. I have lost tons of sleep over her, because I just lay there at night trying to wonder what will happen, why, and just praying to move on. I have been in the situation before, and it takes time. You feel like you messed up and she is the greatest thing in the world. Her true character will show in times like these. I think she is hurting right now and/or will be hurting in the future from the decision, but there is nothing I can do any linger, it is out o my hands. I can almost respect her needing time, if she truly is confused. But if she were to be out hooking up with guys right away, this and that, I would be hurt, but it would reveal her true character and help me to move on. I still want to see her, even though it runs through my mind all the time, if it is a good idea to see her or not. I'm leaning towards it will be OK, well have fun, maybe she'll realize what she is giving up, who knows. Thanks for taking the time to listen and if you got anything to say, feel free to message me back. Once I get talking on this I don't stop, but it feels a lot better and I will listen whenever you need to post. Talking about it has definitely helped.

Turtle and korben, both of you feel the lack of closure and what you must realize is that the closure won't happen until you make it happen. They are in no way going to attempt to make closure, because the reality is, that when people break up or need time, they want to have their cake and eat it too. They aren't going to sit there and say that there is no chance that you guys will ever be together again... they want to be able to go out and do what they want and be able to have you there in case things don't work out with anyone else. No matter how nice the girl was or how good your relationship was, you must remember, it is exactly that, it WAS, and no longer IS. You will lose your mind waiting around for closure, and most likely that closure is not going to be her telling you what she realized that she did or anything like that... but rather you will find out that she is dating another guy, and that will be your closure. They want to let you down as easy as possible, because they know that what they are doing is messed up, but even though they know this, they are thinking only about themselves when doing this, and that is the reason they are following through with it. They are getting exactly everything they want right now, and you are having to suffer. As long as you continue to communicate with them, then they will never think twice about you. As long as they keep you happy, then they won't have to worry about you causing problems, or them feeling bad about what they did. They will continue to think that they did the right thing.

Now when you cut off the communication, you are able to start thinking about yourself (remember, she is only thinking about herself right now, that is why you are no longer together) and you are able to start healing. Also, she doesn't have that security blanket anymore, as she will then have to realize that she was not fair about things, and was being selfish. Also, you have to be the one making the decisions and letting her be on the other end of it. You aren't being mean, but rather you are just being a man. You are showing that you can make your own decisions, and if she wants to be a part of them, then she will have to come to you, and if not then, well, your life is going to go on.

You are basically letting her drive you in your car, and you don't even know where the heck you are going. You are letting her have all the control in the world, and she is the one that is being selfish, or in your case korben, she screwed you over. You can make up whatever excuses you want for her, and you will, and that is natural, trust me, but the simple and plain fact is that she screwed you over.

It's almost as though you are waiting for her permission for you to love again, but she has already made up her mind about that on her own. She isn't sitting waiting for you to giver her permission for anything, and she definitely didn't even give you an opinion in deciding the fate of your relationship, which you both invested the same amount of time in. She hasn't given you any say in anything, and she has made all her decisions without you being allowed to even have any input. Don't you see it? That is why it is up to you to pick your pride up, and it is up to you to cut off communications and stop worry about what she is going to think. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but you need to start looking at all the good things that you did, and all the bad things that she did and realize who you are and that if she doesn't want all that you had to offer, then it is her loss. Be proud of who you are and never overlook the reality of what was done here.

If you invested a whole bunch of money in a bank and they just decided they were going to put it in a paper shredder and you didn't even get any say in it... how would you feel? This is no different than what she did with your relationship and your heart.

You are way better than this girl, and she has issues of her own, and you don't need, in any way, anything to do with her for a long time. You don't want to surround yourself with people who are capable of doing these things. You are worthy of better and there are better people out there. Don't look for them, instead be yourself and they will find you. I know it is tough because you don't know anybody there, but over time you will meet people. As for now, buckle down on your career, put money away, work on those personal goals of yours, and as you do that, things around you will start to change, seriously. Things will just start to fall in to place.

I have cut communication. I have been NC since she came to get half of her stuff a month ago. Obviously I couldn't be NC in that situation. Believe me I am trying to think about myself but it is hard to shake thoughts of her. I mean you can't just immediately stop loving someone--at least I can't. I know she didn't leave me in a very good position. And, it's not that I am waiting for permission to love again. Obviously the wounds are still fresh but I feel (perhaps just in this moment) like I won't ever be as excited to be with someone as I was with her. I know a lot of this is in the moment but I have a hard time knowing I will probably never get to be with her. It's just hard to let go after knowing her for so long and so well. I know people change but it was just so quick it is hard to adjust. I know it's silly to think as I know it's not my fault but I just have created a lot of new fear for myself in terms of knowing people. I have always been a trusting person and now I feel like that along with a lot of other things has gone out for the window and hope they come back sooner than later. It's crazy how one person can have such a hold on you even when you need to get over them as sad as that is for me to handle(as it's the only thing that can be done).

I do see the fact as you mentioned that she didn't give me any input on anything about this and that does make me angry. Like I said it was just so scripted when she told me out of the blue how she felt.

Aside from losing her I also realize that I miss love (real real love as we shared) and want so bad to be in it again as I felt on top of the world every single day I was with her-no lie. And, obviously everything is better when you are in it and now without the feeling of love back everything for me seems a bit more dull, etc. I am sure that's normal but geez, this pat month and a half feels like forever already.

Korben I promise that you will love again but first you need to start loving and taking care of yourself again. From the way you talk about her even after all she has taken you through you sound like someone that still has a lot to give and I guarantee that once you stand on your own two feet you will find someone. You had painted a picture of your future with her in it and you were really happy with it and now that has been destroyed but in time after re assessing your position and based on new experiences you will recreate a better one. Right now don't think of the future, take it one day at a time. The days will turn into weeks, then months and you will soon be standing on your own two feet stronger than before.

As for the fear you feel you will see that in time it will work to your advantage as a survival mechanism and will help you in making better choices in the future.

I really am trying to be happy with myself again. It just sucks because thoughts always seem to cloud everything up if I have a good day or if I am happy for a bit or just in general. I think it's because I always associated being happy with thoughts of her and doing things with her, etc. which was the ultimate for me. So, I suppose I need to try to break that subconscious connection if possible-but how is the question, just time? I also know at times I feel like I'm forcing myself to not think about things by going out and walking around downtown, keeping busy, etc. and I just can't keep myself from catching the fact that I am trying to outsmart myself and I think that makes it worse sometimes. I know this all takes time. It's just so devastating. Just last night I went to bed realizing the bed was empty, even though it has been for a few months now since she has been gone. I trust in what others say here. If it's going to to be OK, it's going to be OK.

I know I was working on painting a happy future with her as you mentioned busterbite and now that is destroyed and that is so hard to adjust to being so happy and then one day that all grinds to a halt and you feel sick to your stomach for weeks and months. And, even though I want to be happy right now it just doesn't feel right in some way if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense. I was the same. And I understand that you feel you have lost that driving force (at least that's how I felt) but with time that habit will fade away and you will bridge the gap.

You won't be happy with yourself again overnight. It will take some time so don't stress too much over it. You have got the will to be happy and the fact that you feel you need to go out and be amongst people instead of staying at home all day is a good sign I think.

During my first 2 months I was feeling the way you are. I was constantly like a zombie. I just wanted to be happy again. I went on two trips with some new friends, started going out more and just meeting new people, picked up my hobbies again (photography and music) started going to the gym and playing basketball again. I just packed my days with so much stuff so I wouldn't have to stay at home. And many of those days I still felt like crap and my thoughts were still always racing. But with time it fades away. I can't say I never think of it anymore but nowhere near to where I was. Volunteering is another good way. Go to your local youth centre or old peoples home or anything and just volunteer.

Volunteering is an awesome way to vent. Too often do we get caught up in our own problems and we don't realize how lucky we really are, until we get involved in other's lives who have it a whole lot worse than we do.

Hi all. Just wanted to drop in an update this thread on my status. I went back home up to Oregon for Thanksgiving (got to spend 3 days). I felt a little better as I was able to be with family and friends for once in 4 or 5 months. I wish I could have stayed as I felt happier in some ways.

Even though I have talked to some of the people who I used to work with and who are my best friends and who are like family to me about this situation it was good to talk to them in person. Everyone where we both used to work has found out about this situation somehow or another little to my knowledge. And, when I was back for those few days I felt a tremendous amount of support. One of my good friends who is in his early 40s (who I didn't tell about this) asked me how things were going in California. I said all right. And he said that's good but heard I was having some 'trouble'. He knew both of us really well and he said he couldn't hold back and hoped it wouldn't offend me but when he found out about this a little while back he got really angry and mad that someone had taken advantage of me like that--especially since we were all friends. He said that she was a 'bad person' (even though it was hard for a friend to say about another friend) for doing all of this and bailing like she did. Everyone knows the real facts I guess (not 3rd hand) so it isn't just a shot in the dark for someone to say that. Another one of my good friends said the same thing and that this was all very selfish when I was giving my all to make a better life for us both. Everyone, just as I, is sad this happened. It was also sad in some ways to hear (because we're all friends) but a lot of people said that she would get a very cold shoulder if she ever came back to visit everyone there (not like she would). I felt this unanimous animosity against her from all of them... and yet they were all friends with both of us. So does that say something I guess? So, it is comforting in a way to know that I have real genuine people who care about me is mutual might I add.

I also started playing around with the idea of going and moving back. Even though my job in California is pretty cool I am not as happy as I could be. I really want to go back because I felt happier when I was back for a few days and everything seemed more real there to me. One of my friends basically told me 'welcome to the fact that the grass isn't always greener on the other side'. Everyone made me promise that I try this out a little longer and if I am still not happy I should come 'home'. It's so surreal to hear friends of all ages and walks of life tell you to go for it but in the end I shouldn't feel like I have failed if I come back. I think I will try and stick it out at least until the end of the lease in July. I don't know, California is cool and all but the people (which are more important for me) seem more real in Oregon. I don't even know how that's possible. Anyway...

So, the last piece of recent news. I haven't heard anything from my ex since I went NC a month and a half ago or so. I was expecting to see a rent check or something as she owes money on this lease and hasn't paid dime one for anything. That and the fact she has half or more of her stuff still here. I am not breaking NC though. She is a big girl and knows she has that responsibility--especially since she is currently living rent free and took that one guy in as a roommate (still weird as far as I'm concerned). But, yesterday I get this txt from her saying 'I know you don't want to talk to me', she went on to ask if I saw that a vague (and I mean vague) acquaintance of ours had a heart attack in a somewhat joking matter (they were fine by the way). This guy who had the heart attack is an actor and regularly emails mass updates to people he 'knows' and that was in one of them. She already knows that I get those emails too. So, you think she was just trying to establish contact again by using a current event, especially when I know we both aren't even close to this person by a long shot? I didn't write back of course but I felt this weird energy from it like she was trying to get me to talk to her. I read between the lines--especially when I know how she writes things.

One last thing. I am know feeling numb about the whole situation/breakup. I know feel like if she ever did come back, which I feel she may try at some point, I couldn't take her back so easy--even though I want her, it would take a lot. So I guess that's good right? But, also I am feeling numb about more than that and need to start steering myself back to being who I really am and get out of this fog. I feel a little out of touch after all this pain and sadness and am not the usual bunches of fun as I was before all this.

Anyway. I hope to talk to you all soon, and as always feel free to question anything or if there is more I can clarify about all this just let me know ;)

Thanks

Sounds like you've made good progress. I am probably in the boat where you were about a month or so ago. I've only been NC for about a week and its very hard. Its good to hear it does get better. I think often when we've had something really effect us its natural to want to make more changes in our lives... such a move to a new location.

Good luck to you. You give people like me (still suffering) hope that it will get better at some point.

John D212 I essentially just moved down here to California from there and feel like I want to go back so we'll see what happens. And, I am still suffering so I am right there with you!! At least the random crying has stopped for the most part for me.

Well, my NC was broken unfortunately. Not by me and not by choice. I randomly got an email from her saying she was going to start paying me back for a large sum of money I let her borrow and that she was going to start paying rent-FINALLY. Here is what she said in her email... I hope that I can get some feedback and better perspective by asking you all.

"So yesterday I FINALLY was paid for that freelance gig 2 months ago. Anyways, once I get it deposited I should be able to pay you all the money I owe you. Also I will finally be paid by my job on Tuesday December 16th. (We get paid monthly, sucks). So I should have December's rent for you.

What email is good for paypal? Just want to make sure I use the correct one.

Then next week 900 for rent. Is that the correct amount for rent now?

I hope you're doing well. Sorry for the delay, people have been taking their sweet time and can't do anything about only being paid monthly."

So, that was very depressing just even getting an email. I respond with my paypay email address and that's it. I say "My yahoo email one is fine" and that's it. I felt like I was being very mean even though I probably wasn't. Then, one of my good friends came up with a plan that actually made a lot of sense. She should hold onto that money for the moment and use it to come and get her things and then work on paying it back. So with that I emailed her shortly after inquiring when she is planning on getting the rest of her things (which is a lot). And, since she hasn't paid rent up until this point it isn't fair and even bigger--it's next to impossible to move on when it's all here.

I get this response for asking simply when she was going to get her things.

"Isn't our lease until June? Cause I was planning on keeping it there until June, coming out there, and shipping it back."

That's 6 months away :( Anyway, I was online talking to my brother on Facebook chat during downtime at work (post-production has a lot of that) and up pops a new chat window--she saw I was online and, well, this is the conversation--hope we can pick it apart and hopefully I didn't fail at the situation. I just felt like I was being very mean which isn't like me--but I know I have to put up a strong front. The part I find most interesting is where she mentions she fails at being a friend or anything else... what does that mean--anything else?

Her
Hey, did you get my email back?

Me
yes

Her
K...
Everything going OK?

Her
and our lease is until June correct?

Me
the job is good
and yes the lease is till the end of June

Her
Good. I'm glad the job is going well.
Why are you typing stuff and not sending it?
:P

Me
I'm at work. How is your job?

Her
It's good. Slow month because the semester ended. But January will be busy with a bunch of shows I'm having the students produce
and I've been freelancing too. So 16 hour days sometimes.
Someone in Sherman Oaks, CA wanted to finally hire me. Haha.

Me
a little late now

Her
Makes me wonder how long ago I applied to that job.

Me
I don't know

Her
me either


Her
going home for xmas too?

Me
no

Her
y not?

Me
beause time off work
etc

Her
:/
whyd you ask about my stuff?
did u get your own stuff and need room?

Me
I was going to be and I'm not going to lie or hide it--I NEED TO GET OVER YOU

Her
meh
OK
I KNOW that.

Me
I was curious to when you were going to get your stuff

Her
Not at the moment.
and I don't have time off to come and get it... I just figured it could stay in my 900.00 a month storage unit until I move it back here and it can go in a 50.00 a month one
hrh
hehe even.


Her
If you want to move it into my bedroom that's fine. I originally didn't want to take it all either because I didn't want to just leave you high and dry with nothing

Me
I know you said that

Her
I'm sorry if its making it more difficult for you if its around.
I'm not trying to hurt you by it.

Her
I never wanted to hurt you to begin with.
Apparently I just FAIL at being a friend or anything else.

Me
things change I guess

Her
Yes
but I never stopped wanting to be your friend.

Me
it is hard to see you differently though
and that's all I'm going to say

Her
I was your friend before any of this happened.

Me
I know but things change us
and decisions do have effects

Her
because I had to take a job?

Me
no and I don't feel it is appropriate to talk about this now.

Her
k

Me
I need to get back to rendering things
have a good holiday

Her
k

Her
you too
bye

-----------------------------------

So, that happens and I go home and I see I have a paypal payment which makes me a little angered because I didn't know she was going to paypal $1,400 at once which while convenient for her I get hit with a $100 transfer charge and can only take $500 out of my paypal to my bank account per month--argh! I am going to make sure to request a check for next months rent because that was such a waste that I didn't even ask for--it just showed up. I am so confused because I can't tell if she is really trying to start making amends or what. All I know is she is going to be responsible for 2 or 3 months back rent and any months in the future that her stuff is here. :( I feel so awful because on one hand I want to understand (and do understand) her current situation, but then friends will tell me I owe her nothing and I should sell her things (which I could never do). What do you think is going on inside her head and what should I do to navigate the next few months? It just suck because I can't move on and get, say, a new couch, etc. because there is no place to put it with all her stuff here. And, it doesn't seem she is coming back and even if she did I couldn't take her back unless she were to fly out here tomorrow on her own will and sincerely show me that things are different.--I just can't trust her--like a flip of a switch she changed.

HI Korben 7, I am sorry to hear of your loss and news.
YOU should send her stuff back to her asap, get the movers in, get them to pack it and ship it off. Then drop an email saying when her stuff is arriving. PERIOD. It is the best thingto do- you will feel relieved and you will breathe again. You can then spend time making your home- YOURS and move on bit by bit. I had to do the same thing, I was to marry my ex- we were 3 months from the wedding, I knew him for 9 years. SADLY I found out he was cheating. He just packed his suitcase and left to the UK and said he willpick his stuff up in 6 months time. It was horrible and I went insane day by day. One day I just snapped and sent his stuff back- it took 2 days to do this. It was v hard and I cried a lot, but I felt free in a strange way. I also realised it was easier for me to do this by myself, it would have been so much harder for me to watch him come to my place, have access to my place and watch him pack 6 months from now. Get her stuff out- and then get a flatmate in, who can help with your rent! That is what I did, we had a lease for 2 years for a 3 bedroom apartment- there is no way I can pay 2 thousand pounds a month here in Singapore by myself- and so now I sub let the two rooms and god it is such a relief money wise. At least now, his stuff is gone, I am not skint and I can breathe and slowly mend my life. Most imporatntly I know that despite everything is a mess, at least I can treat myself with a few things and know I don't have to worry- after 4 months of heartache, I now have made plans to do some travelling around asia. I would not be able to do this, if his stuff was still here in the apartment and if I did not get tenants in. I to am alone in Singapore, my family and many friends are in the UK. Nevertheless I make a point at look at what I have hear and say to myslef- I am OK, look I have a nice place tolive, a good job, lovely sunny weather and now I will do some travelling. Some people in the world don't even have this and so I must appreciate what I have right now and somehow must get through a day one day at a time.
So :
Send her stuff back
Sort your place out
Get a room mate in
And slowly slowly before your know it life will be better than it was yesterday.

Good luck!

Another thing- my ex owes me a lot of money as well, what did I do, I let it all go. NEVER ASKed him for a penny- it is not worth the heart ache at all. WHAT DID I DO: I refinance totally, cut my spends, got tenants in etc and I decided to live like a v poor student and just cover the mess. Today I have recovered the money I lost + now have a better budget for me to work with. I feel free, independent now. I still miss my ex- I knew him for 9 years, engaged for 4 and he was my bestes friend.
FUnnily enough, you would believe it if I told you he is still coming to SIngapore, next Sunday. Its v strange as he has no reason to come here now, but he is and he is coming with his new girlfriend! And he wants to see me. I can't breathe as I can't see him. I am in shock that he is coming 2 days before our anniversary and 3 weeks off our wedding date. Its v heartbreaking indeed and shocking as just like that he flipped and changed!

I realised now that I have to help myself, and do what is right for me- there is no being mean doing that. I have to secure myself here in Singapore. PERIOD. I have to also make a new life without him- now that is v hard and right now v impossible. My days right now are I go to work, go to the gym and go home. Occasionaly I go out with work friends. My weekends are spent in tears and then eventually I do get up and go to the gym and feel the sunrays on my skin. I am now at the point where I have to justthink about what will I do today, what will I do this week. I can't even think about the future- I am scared. The only thing I do think of is travelling, as I love it. I normally work very hard and then in between go travelling on my leave dates. Now I realise this is what will keep me going, and so I have started to make v small plans for next March- but I am scared as my travelling friend was my ex and so I feel the empty hole inside me. It will take me a v long time, to adjust a life without him, I don't know how I am going to do this, but ihave to doit. PERIOD. Wish you all the best!

hey Korben, I've been reading this thread for the last hour. I am in a similar situation to you in which moving on --from a 20month relationship-- has become very hard, especially because I am far away from home by myself. I'm 26 and work full time in Australia --been here for the past 5 years. Im from Latin America originally so the cultural difference and distance from home is certainly a challenge.

First off, my relationship was --as yours-- perfect. Amazing girl, born here, 23 now, everything I wanted in a person, from values --european parents so very similar to mine-- to physical appearance. In many ways, I thought this was the one, and I was the one for her. Then things started to change a couple of months ago, she became colder week by week, a bit more distant... I just didn't see that sparkle in her eye anymore. So two weeks ago exactly, out of the blue, she gives me the "i think we need a break, im not sure what my feelings are, im confused, i dont know myself, im immature, i love you and care for you but im not sure if im in love with you anymore..i need some time to think, some time for myself, its not you its me" ----ouch, I felt like my whole world came crumbling down mate. At that point in time, I said, this ends here, there is no return, we are officially over, she assured me that she didn't like anyone else either, and after crying for an hour or so, she hugged me and left. After 5 excruciating days, of hardly any sleep and eating (lost 10lbs) I gave in and called her... I told her I had overreacted and to me it was impossible to accept she had no more feelings for me, I said what we had was amazing and could not be thrown out of the window just like that so if she wanted time and space, take it, its yours. She said she didn't know how long she needed but accepted.

Anyway, this was 10 days ago, and Im dying to talk to her, this NC is sooo hard because I love her and miss her so much, but I know it's the right thing to do as everyone of my friends has said the same things, as well as what I've read in here. What makes it even harder is knowing she's out there having a great time and probably not thinking about me much, at least not in the way I want her to because I'm sure she worries about me spending christmas far away from home in this situation. She hasn't called or attempted to communicate with me although I know she will eventually, prob just to check up on me. So far, Ive decided to move forward, regardless if she wants to get back together --which I highly doubt from what I've read here--. I want to show myself that I can be independent and do anything I set myself to do. A brokenheart will eventually heal, so in the meantime there is no sense dwelling and letting yourself go down even lower. Its time to pick ourselves up and move on to better things because I did have my heart broken once before and recovered, and fell in love again, and WILL recover once more. We are worth it, and deserve better.

I don't want to move the focus of this thread away from your situation so seeing that you n I are in a similar situation emotionally I decided to register and post some.

We live away from home, and have few or no friends at all --neglected the ones I had while being with her, big mistake. The best way, at least when I have felt the best these past two weeks is when Im doing activities that I wouldn't do normally. So I suggest, sign up for a few classes, a language or a sport you've wanted to pursue --you might even make new friends! Hit the gym, I have... and felt much better about myself. Work hard, and don't give up... take one day at a time, and I'm sure you will notice how much better you feel after a few weeks. My breakup was two weeks ago and from then to now I feel so much better, far from good still but it's a start.

Also, If I were you id do what has been suggested here, pack her stuff n ship it back to her. Otherwise it will be even harder and longer to move on. From your msn conversation it sounds like she wants to have her own storage space at your apartment. I think this is incredibly unfair to you and very selfish from her. Do her a last favour and save her some money by packing her stuff and sending it to her. Also, can you transfer her out of the lease? Maybe you can sublet and get a new roommate. I think this could be a good way to start fresh and erase her from your home.

As for me, Im spending Christmas with a friend from work. He has been a good friend through this tough times and it will help me not think about her too much on that day. ---should I call her christmas night just to wish her a merry christmas? I was thinking about it... I know if I do, it won't be for more than two minutes. Just a quick hi n nothing else... something I've been playing around with in my mind the past few days...


Anyway, keep posting mate, keep your chin up, we can get out of this one... can't wait to start my life back again!

Korben,

It looked like she changed with the flip of a switch because by the time she told you her mind was completely made up and whatever mourning she did for the relationship's end she did before she even let you in on it's death. I lost my love and best friend at the same time also and held out hope for years that he would return and we could rekindle the relationship. He divorced his second wife and called me and I visited him once. I knew after those two days that it would never happen and was finally able to move on. Six years were wasted in which I might have missed a better man. Zeenie is correct. Do what you can to set yourself up financially to get clear of her and ship her things. Don't worry about your bluntness in your communication with her. She has moved on and so your blunt responses are not hurting her the way they would if she used the same tone with you. In fact I think your responses to her have been very appropriate. Hang in there - it sounds cliche'd but time is what you need now.

Dear Expact 2009,
I don't think you should contact her for xmas wishes at all. As painful as it is, you must be strong and not do it. It is v hard, especially when your away from family and friends. The same is with me, I am actually going to spend xmas alone in Singapore. It is so hard- as 6 months ago- I was so excited about this xmas as I was to get married in one months time and our families were flying over to SIngapore. Now it is n=1. There are no words to descirbe this feeling I have in my heart. And so idecided to treat this xmas just like a Saturday. My main worry is new years eve as that our 9th anniversary, and I am saded to know that my ex his coming with his chick from UK to Singapore to celebrate it. It hurts. And so NC it is for me. I must no email, text or see him, and I will probably hide for the next 3 weeks whilst they are here. I have to be strong,even thou I am not. I use this site to get whatever strengths and wisdom I get no to contact him.

What a load of dribble you should have stopped that msn chat thing a lot SOONER.

And I bet you was typing lots of things but deleting it and adding something else lol.

Its best not to think about what she is thinking. Because you will run your head dry with that crap.
Just get her out of your life as fast and as painless as you can!
Stop thinking how why what if and maybe.



YES it is messy! When you deal with money and house. But you are working towards something. And you are stronger for it

Don't let her say I just want to be friends lalal
She is just trying to make herself feel less guilty.

Be strong man and hang in there.

Once she has paid you everything. Be done with her. Go no contact and start to heal

Your only 22 :) you have a long long road ahead

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zeeniee

Dear Expact 2009,
I dont think you should contact her for xmas wishes at all. As painful as it is, you must be strong and not do it. It is v hard, especially when your away from family and friends. The same is with me, i am actually going to spend xmas alone in Singapore. It is so hard- as 6 months ago- i was so excited about this xmas as i was to get married in one months time and our families were flying over to SIngapore. Now it is n=1. There are no words to descirbe this feeling i have in my heart. And so idecided to treat this xmas just like a saturday. My main worry is new years eve as that our 9th anniversary, and i am saded to know that my ex his coming with his chick from UK to Singapore to celebrate it. It hurts. And so NC it is for me. I must no email, text or see him, and i will probably hide for the next 3 weeks whilst they are here. I have to be strong,even thou i am not. I use this site to get whatever strengths and wisdom i get no to contact him.

---

The thing is, I know you are right... I mean if she hasn't initiated contact it must be a sign I'm the one suffering while she's the one enjoying her life and her freedom. It might make me look like I'm bitter or not a good person in her eyes. But I want to be strong and show her I can survive perfectly without her. So I'm deleting her number (never learnt it by memory) and going full NC. As for you, I know your situation is much more complicated, and it sounds like you are in a world of pain. I'm not sure how Christmas is treated in Singapore but if it's not as full on as back home it might just feel like any other Saturday. NYE seems like it's going to be a tough one for all of us, however, we must go out and enjoy ourselves in any way we can. Even if it's just a few hours of letting are minds be somewhere else. I know it's especially hard for you being an anniversary but I would suggest to include yourself in someone else's plans and just try and get yourself out of the house. Be strong!! You are worth it!

I wish we could fast forward time, but unfortunately, all we can do is get the best out of the situation and learn from it day by day. Just remember, you come first!