There's no doubt we're in love and both want to move our relationship to the next step, yet because of some very basic individual differences that neither of us is to blame or can be judged right or wrong over, we're also at the point of wanting and needing to let it all go. I reached my limit to cope last night and decided I couldn't continue our relationship any longer. We exchanged emails today to work through our major difficulties and possibly reached a similar understanding, yet I still don't know that I have the strength to see this through... I certainly don't want to get back on the see-saw, that much I'm sure about.

He's the perfect lover when we're together and is incredible with gestures like gifts, making me a part of his family, and giving us wonderful holidays and times together. And I really do like him, as he can also be very warm and loving and giving of himself, regardless of any faults he might have. He pretty much feels the same about me.

The main problem I have is that he often gets angry and withdraws his affection, giving me the silent treatment. He can ignore me for days on end and often over the weekend which has happened almost every few weeks from the time we got together. There have been too many times that I've been left to fret on my own and left in the dark. I've given it a lot of thought and have reached the conclusion he is being emotionally controlling in a way that borders on being abusive, even if it isn't conscious on his part. Because it happens with so much frequency and is not just about needing a bit of space every now and then (we all need that), it's no longer tolerable or acceptable to me.

He tells me it's more straight forward than I imagine and that he wants me to trust that when we aren't together it's usually for a good reason (or he has a good reason to be angry), that he isn't with anyone else or ever wanting to be. He can't stand the jealousy and being accused of being a liar and a cheat every week, or having to explain himself and reassure me. He says it's the jealousy that drives him away. I've explained the best I know how that his habit of withdrawing affection causes my insecurities to eventually get the better of me.

We're just going around in circles, yet there's still a lot of love and it's hard for both us to completely let go. I would absolutely dread him being with someone else, yet know I shouldn't dwell on that thought.

How do we get out of this impasse or should we move on? Maybe we're still in the middle of a long conversation... I really don't know.

I'm feeling awful at the moment as I've since spoken with my boyfriend who has only just discovered something to do with one of his children that's made him terribly sad. He's been under a lot of stress these past two years to do with his children, and I probably haven't been as loving towards him as he hoped I would be. He works so tirelessly wanting to make everyone happy.

I think both of you need a break. You learn about your insecurities. You need this to see what is really going on, what is the real problem. Remember, sometimes, things that you thought were problem, are actually not the real ones. So take your time, relax, treat yourself right. And try to understand him as a person 1st, not as a boyfriend. That will tell you more about him than just demanding from him.
About him, leave him time to think too.
This is absolutely the point where something has to change.

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Originally Posted by lmnotok

i think both of you need a break. You learn about your insecurities. You need this to see what is really going on, what is the real problem. Remember, sometimes, things that you thought were problem, are actually not the real ones. So take your time, relax, treat yourself right. And try to understand him as a person 1st, not as a boyfriend. That will tell you more about him than just demanding from him.
about him, leave him time to think too.
This is absolutely the point where something has to change.

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A thoughtful answer.

We do need to stop to reflect for a while and yes, it would be good to get back to enjoy just being myself. I think he needs this too.

Unless you back off, and deal with your own issues first, you will have nothing positive to share with him.

Even worse, you'll never be able to work together through communicating, as long as insecurity clouds your judgement, and influence your actions and emotions.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Unless you back off, and deal with your own issues first, you will have nothing positive to share with him.

Even worse, you'll never be able to work together thru communicating, as long as insecurity clouds your judgement, and influence your actions and emotions.

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I doubt there's 'nothing positive to share with him' but you're right about insecurities clouding my judgement and needing a break.

I agree with the rest of these posteys

But you are very right on one thing

Emotional control.. its very real.
And its just as bad.

I do think you need a bit of a break..
And when you get back.. you have to get the lines of comunication open.

Because every time you get into a fight he can not shut himself down.

Thank you for listening.

His reassurances are fine and I have faith in him in those moments. When I have let go of my insecurities and started to relax into the relationship, it hasn't stopped him not having a reason to not be in contact for days on end. When he's back, it's good times again.

I need the reinforcement of touch and emotional consistency to trust I'm in a loving relationship. Each time he shuts down, the emotional connection is upset and my insecurities resurface. I didn't reach a snap conclusion that his actions are emotionally controlling.

It is horrible to be misrepresented by your partner and jealousy is poisonous. He's right to back away from that. I need to deal with my insecurities that I know can get completely irrational and nutty at times.

What I mostly want now is to let go and nurture myself for a while without losing the connection entirely. I'd also like to be available for him if he really needs me. He's been through a tumultuous and traumatic week.

Let it go. It's really that simple. He may have reasons and you may have issues, but bottom line is neither of you are happy.
Life is too short. You're not married, you don't have kids together, let it go.
You to will find your way back if it is meant to be.

He made me very happy (and still does when it's going well) and brought sanity back into my life. He was there every step of the way in helping me through my divorce settlement. He also put together a work package (second job) to help retain the family home. He's done more for me than anyone else wanted to or could. I'm deeply grateful he came into my life and that he made so many important and wonderful things a reality.

I can let go for a while because we both need to stop and reflect. I can also be there if he needs me.

Just because one came into your life and helped you during a difficult time, it does not mean they are the one to share you life with for all time. At any rate. It will be a good thing to take a break.

Thanks homegirl... I appreciate that :)

I wish you the best.

That was an appreciative smile, not glib... thank you very much for your support.

I really do love this man... :)

He's ready now to take us to the next step and wants us to make the transition of living together in the near'ish future, so now the question is how we do this and when. The fact he's shown he wants to make this real and build our lives together, has made all the difference to me.

The main concern for now are our children and what's best all round for them. Otherwise we would have been talking about this long ago.

IMO if there are kids don't do the moving in thing. You don't get a trial run when you have kids. Their lives are affected by this too.
If you to are sure enough to marry that's one thing, but moving in to see how things work when you have kids is not good.
How old are your kids?

My daughter is turning 12 in 8 days time and my son is 18. My partner's children are 13, 15, 18 and 21. His sons live with their mum (who I like and get along with) in another state. It was their mum's choice to move there a few months ago and she and her partner are both happily settled. Their plan at the moment is to stay there for at least 5-10 years.

My partner's two daughters are aged 18 and 21 and have been living with him these past few months. He has been working hard at helping them both find their feet and direction. I'm amazed by how strong a parent he can be while still showing care.

His oldest duaghter is content at the moment and is managing to find her way. The other daughter very much needs her mother, which is something my partner has recognised and hopes to encourage. However, there's a possibility she'll continue living with him for as long as she needs and as long as it's in her best interests.

Neither of us are in an urgent hurry to do this. We're now both financially secure and able to look after ourselves. I'm especially going to take is slowly with my daughter who is looking forward to starting High School next year. While without me prompting him, my son talked yesterday about wanting to find his own place most likely in the New year. I'll be in a better position to help him plan for his future than I'm able to in my current circumstances, which could make a big difference for him. I would always want to make it possible for him to live with me if that's what he needed.

My daughter would rather never leave our home and would like to have her father back living with us. I would do anything to make my children happy, but there are some things outside my control of influence.

The plan is that I would always keep my home (my partner wants me to always be financially independent, as well as building together) and rent it out. The rental income would cover my mortgage. Being in control of mine and my children's financial security, I see other possibilities that could be better options - and there are options I'm sure I don't yet know about. While I'm very much aware of my daughter's emotional needs, her wishes can make it difficult for me to make important decisions to do with the house and family. I had thought about renting our home to my son and his friends, but... that might not be a great idea :)

I hear what you say about making a commitment to marry first... in fact, my partner has wanted to propose recently and other things happened.

I'd be interested in knowing what you think...

His 18 year old daughter suffers serious depression and has hardly been staying at her father's home these past few months since she has been in hospital for treatment. It's a private hospital that my partner has taken care of for her. Major decisions his daughter makes over the coming months will influence in our decisions. He would be willing to move mountains to see his daughter well and happy.

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The main problem I have is that he often gets angry and withdraws his affection, giving me the silent treatment.

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Glad your taking your time, and being thoughtful, as I can't see you being happy for the long run with someone who handles his anger in such a negative uncaring way.

It can be worked on though, and I hope you do, but you don't have to settle for anything less, than you can handle.

Partners must communicate, and work together, not withdraw from one another when there is a problem.

He has a child with issues and you have a 12 year old daughter that needs your attention, so IMO moving in together at this juncture would not be wise.
Your daughter should be number 1 and I'm just not a believer in people living together when there are minor kids involved.
Besides there are just too many things going on in his life right now.
When the time is right, you two will be together.

I agree with Homegirl, as you both have separate priorities to attend to, and need the time, ansd space, to do it.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He has a child with issues and you have a 12 year old daughter that needs your attention, so IMO moving in together at this juncture would not be wise.
Your daughter should be number 1 and I'm just not a believer in people living together when there are minor kids involved.
Besides there are just too many things going on in his life right now.
When the time is right, you two will be together.

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Helpful.

To reassure both of us and explain more how I feel about things, my partner and I are not actually moving in together at this juncture as we haven't set a date. My daughter is in her own space that she knows and trusts. I've worked hard for her to be where she feels secure and happy... regrettably, not without me getting grumpy and her being angry and disappointed at times. Still, she has been at the same school with the same friends since 2001 and is looking forward to their graduation dinner next month. She's also excited about starting at the High School of her choice next year and will be there with her friends she's known for years --- that won't change whether my partner and I move in together, or not. This is one of the reasons I never went along with the idea of a distance relationship. It's also the reason my partner and I have rarely stayed overnight at each other's home.

There are a lot of things I could never do. Protecting and nurturing my daughter has always been my priority, and always will be. I have seen her benefit from me being in a loving relationship with a trusted male, since being in a loving adult relationship has often made it easier for me to give my children the love and emotional support they want. It's often a tricky balance, and certainly hasn't always been ideal. There's a lot of room for improvement. Not having been through this before, I'm learning as I take each next step.

What he and I have agreed to is that we're both happy to make a commitment to each other that building our lives together is what we both want and will eventually do... hopefully not in the too distant future as life needs to move on and we all have our lives to live. While children are a priorty, parents have to take the lead.

My attitude is slightly different to yours, though probably no less cautious.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Glad your taking your time, and being thoughtful, as I can't see you being happy for the long run with someone who handles his anger in such a negative uncaring way.

It can be worked on though, and I hope you do, but you don't have to settle for anything less, than you can handle.

Partners must communicate, and work together, not withdraw from one another when there is a problem.

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Hmm... I did say that only a week or so ago, didn't I. Your absolutely right about that. Thanks for the healthy reminder :)

I'm wondering if he's needed to learn to have more trust in me and in my judgement.

All I am saying is, you need to be very sure before you bring a man into your home with your child. Any drama going on between the two of you will have an affect on your daughter's life as well.
You're dating the man, she is not, nor should she have to live with him unless he is your husband and even that situation should be seriously considered.
But it is your life, your child. I wish you the best.

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Originally Posted by frangipanis

He's the perfect lover when we're together and is incredible with gestures like gifts, making me a part of his family, and giving us wonderful holidays and times together. And I really do like him, as he can also be very warm and loving and giving of himself, regardless of any faults he might have. He pretty much feels the same about me.

.

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From personal experience:
The most exciting lover I had, was the worst person I could have been in a relationship with. He was very controlling and insecure.

The guys who go all out with the gifts and make a big scene and spend tons of money - are the least likely to be trustworthy, caring, considerate and emotionally available partners. (most likely to cheat or get divorced)

This man may not be the one. It's probably time to move on, the see-saw will most likely not change for the better. Beware.


The best long-term match for you - may not be the most sexually satisfying partner you've ever had (in the beginning). When you find the right person, you teach each other and you LEARN to make it hot.

I found out the hard way. Now, I have the best guy in the whole world. I wouldn't change my husband for anything! He is the love of my life.

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Originally Posted by Bonnie46

From personal experience:
The most exciting lover I had, was the worst person I could have been in a relationship with. He was very controlling and insecure.

The guys who go all out with the gifts and make a big scene and spend tons of money - are the least likely to be trustworthy, caring, considerate and emotionally available partners. (most likely to cheat or get divorced)

This man may not be the one. It's probably time to move on, the see-saw will most likely not change for the better. beware.


The best long-term match for you - may not be the most sexually satisfying partner you've ever had (in the beginning). When you find the right person, you teach each other and you LEARN to make it hot.

I found out the hard way. Now, I have the best guy in the whole world. I wouldn't change my husband for anything! He is the love of my life.

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I'm glad it's worked out better for you with your husband.

I would say that you should try and get a good sit down talk going, I mean everything happens for a reason, so if you go with the break idea, you don't know what you have until it's gone? You know what I mean? Love should really come out and don't worry about him seeing other people if he truly loves you, I truly love my girlfriend and girls are meaningless to me and I haven't spoke to my girlfriend over over 4 years in over a week!

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I'm wondering if he's needed to learn to have more trust in me and in my judgement.

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I think your right, and I know you love him, but he is selfish, and very inconsiderate, bordering on anger issues, that he must deal with. In short baggage, that must be unpacked.

You've restored my faith :)

He couldn't have spelt it out more clearly that there are no other women and never will be.

Is it a problem with your girlfriend when you don't see her for a week? Just wondering.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think your right, and I know you love him, but he is selfish, and very inconsiderate, bordering on anger issues, that he must deal with. In short baggage, that must be unpacked.

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Thanks, Tal. You're right again.

There's still much more to him than anger issues that I agree he needs to deal with... that won't go away overnight, I know.

From what I understand of him, his approach to life is to work hard and get things done knowing he can trust his own abilities to do it well. That's where some of the control and anger comes in, since he finds it hard to let go and trust that other people can do it just as well. Often he's right, other times he limits people around him and gets frustrated by their reaction. Somewhere along the line he made the decision that he needs to get angry for anyone to listen to him. He gets annoyed easily and prefers to do the job himself. Having been let down by significant people he trusted or just wanted to trust him, is probably a key too.

On the positive side, he's one of the most responsible and capable adults I've ever met. He's never physically harmed anyone in his life or been unfaithful. That he likes to play hard is his reward to himself and the people he loves. It's easy to see that the wrong way rather than seeing him as someone who simply wants to make himself and others happy. He's old fashioned and is a good provider, and I have a lot of respect for him.

So Tal, can you actually help someone you love see that they need to address their anger and control issues? I'd value your opinion on this.

My experience is that people can change if they want to, but need motivation from within themselves.

If you complain, or object, they may change long enough to deaden your complaints, but then its back to what they have been doing.

That doesn't mean you have to accept it, but deal with it with your eyes open, and realistically.

Don't pin your hopes on him changing because you asked.