Recently met someone after separating and filing for an annulment from my abusive ex who disappeared to another state. We fell in love shortly after and had a few great dates (no sex). I last saw him over a month ago on a Thursday and everything was perfect, but on Monday morning he had coffee with his Pastor who told him not even to see or speak with me until all was final in writing. (Well my ex was stalling, trying to get money from me.). He notified me of this by email and I basically answered that I disagreed with the Pastor, that we could still see each other as friends and, I found that I could go to Guam and get a 14 day divorce to please the Pastor's problem. He emailed me back that I was impatient and selfish because his Mom went to the hospital (this was the first I heard she was in the hospital).

We were both under a lot of stress - he caring for an elderly Mom and having pain and me trying to unravel my legal problems.

I tried to follow up with him, asking about his Mom's condition and his pain, but he does not answer my email or my phone call. I'm stunned... still I love him.

What should I do?
Wait it out?

Too soon way to soon

what are you doing?

you have not even given yourself enough time to heal.. you think its love but I think its just you trying to fill the void that was left in your life..

I think you need time by yourself to heal.
and yeah you may think that having this guy around would help you. But Look already he has called you selfish.. well isn't that a good start.

Drop the guy he lost feelings for you. I'm sure that pastor thing was just an easy way out.
don't get me wrong there are always some true in lies.. but yeah.. if he loved you I don't think he would be ignoring your calls.

So take the hint my dear. And leave that guy alone and be done with your X
and work on yourself
use this time to heal.

and try not love so easy :)

"What am I doing?" - fixing up my house, dating others, learning to dance...

Yes, I was wondering if the Pastor was just an excuse... but everything was perfect before that.

No, it wasn't perfect and the Pastor was pointing that out. You two were acting like it was... and it wasn't... which is WAY dangerous and you needed to be reminded.

Nobody likes being told what to do by others, especially when the others are RIGHT! It doesn't change the facts. You are a married woman. You do need to finish your legal concerns, and I am sure you are. But it's not done.

Relax. You don't need things to happen overnight and you don't need them to happen out of order. Divorce - date - remarry. Simple formula.

Yeah everything really does seem perfect.. Sigh..

You have only had a few dates and your are in love with him?
Don't you think that is tad fast?

Relax girl finish your divorce
And go back to fixing your housing and learning to dance

Leave the guys alone for a while

You may have been happy, but he wasn't, since he sought the counsel of a pastor.

I honestly would have told him the same thing, leave you alone until you handled your business, and healed from the divorce.

Jumping from one guy to another is a solution to nothing, but disaster down the road.

There is no big hurry to get a man.

It's an annulment and will be over in just days...

He didn't seek counsel. They just met for coffee and when he told the Pastor about me, that he met someone he cared about, the Pastor interferred without meeting me or discussing with me.

I wasn't in a big hurry to get a man, but he happened along and he's special to me - not just any man.

I would first like to suggest that you read the rules and regulations of this site please. It will explain to you that you can't wander around aimlessly and give a 'disagree' to someone, just because you didn't like their advice. The disagreement must be 'factually incorrect' advice. I've seen two 'disagrees' that you have given in the whole 3 posts you have made on this site. Please follow the rules.

None of the answers that were given were factually incorrect. Are you here just to defend your position? Or are you here for advice. We are here to help people, and if you don't like the advice given, then bypass it, and move on. Everyone that answered you has given you things to think about. They WERE answering your question. We are not here to tell you what you want to hear, we are here to give insight into what we ascertain is going on in any given situation, and then give our observations.

We do this for free in our spare time, and if you take a look at the number of questions the people that answered YOU have answered for other people, you would figure out that this is not our first rodeo!

My take on your situation is this. You are getting an "annulment" from an abusive man. The annulment tells me that you were not married for a very long period, and that you didn't know this man long enough before you married him, or you would have known his abusive tendencies.

Now you are willing to jump into another relationship, and not listening to what anyone else tells you. The new guy is trying to tell you something, and you are not hearing it. The pastor tried and again you are not listening. We are trying, and again, not listening. We aren't here to pat you on the back and tell you everything is going to be okay, and just agree with everything you say. This is simply "advice" from someone on the outside looking in, and they can see it objectively.

This man told you that you were impatient and selfish, and he is not answering your emails or calls. That alone is a big enough clue to leave this man alone, and get on with your life. Unless of course, you want to marry another man that you don't really know. This man is trying to tell you something by ignoring you. Now is the time to LISTEN!

The Ex - I met him in church and knew him 2 1/2 years before wedding - no problem until wedding day. He was a former minister himself so was surprised when I found out he did porn, was demanding, controlling, and married me for assets, etc... tried to make the best of it and stuck with him through major heart surgery. Yes, I should have gotten the annulment before, but I didn't expect I would meet someone else soon and I was trying to make it work and exhaust every avenue before the annulment.

I am not ready to just trash the other guy because I respect, admire, and love him and things only went bad when the Pastor talked to him. He is a quality person and my question is how to remedy that situation and how to re-start a dialog with him - - - that's where I feel I was unanswered. No one made suggestions about that.

Hope this helps.

Your question was addressed, you didn't want to hear the responses you got.

Leave him alone, as he has asked, as you can't force him to do anything.

Sorry, but that's what everyone here, and him sees, your forcing yourself on someone that doesn't want what you want, and he is leaving you alone.

Take the hint. There will be no dialogue, or friendship, unless he wants it too!

I have not forced myself on him!

I don't see why he would be mad or why these circumstances would prevent any normal man from dating or seeing someone. Sounds like a cop out and a case of genuine disinterest, using circumstances to avoid you.

Thank you, Max. He said "I love you on Thursday" and Monday morning changed immediately after having that coffee with the Pastor.

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Catherine;1350337, Thank you, Max. He said "I love you on Thursday" and Monday morning changed immediately after having that coffee with the Pastor.

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Don't blame the pastor as he had those feelings, or some reservations before.

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I have not forced myself on him!

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Didn't mean to imply you did, my point was given his new position, ignore him and his friendship, as I think you deserve better than his wishy washy a$$.

Mmmm... it has come to my mind that, perhaps this is why he's been alone for so many years. Or maybe he just likes pursuit, not a relationship.

And he said divorce #1 was she was so homesick for parents in another state and she was killing him with her cooking (rich, delicious, fattening foods) and she wouldn't sleep with him anymore after children were born - fear of pregnancy; PMS, abuse to him

#2 ran up $85K in credit card debt in 4 months, moved to another bedroom after a couple of weeks and went out with daughter every night

Maybe his stories are not accurate - they don't seem to be the normal divorce stories like cheating, finances, gay, etc.

He is using this as a cop out..

I told you that..

But yeah disagree if you don't like what your hearing.
We try and help..
But if your not willing to help yourself


Then enjoy the mess

First of all, I'm sorry we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.

I definitely think you have stumbled upon something there. Do you notice that there are two commonalities in both of his stories? His wives wouldn't sleep with him anymore. The word abuse was also mentioned. Could this be a reason why these other women felt and did the things they did?

I would be VERY leary of a man that says bad things about their ex's. They may have done some bad things, but a man that wants to hash out the mistakes of their ex's all of the time are bad news.

I know you say you love this man, but you should be concerned. You only wrote a few of the things that he said, and I am concerned for you. Remember, you said that you married your husband and he changed "on your wedding day". You said you knew him for 2 and a half yrs. Before you got married. It's hard for me to believe that there weren't signs that you ignored, but that is beside the point.

There is surely a reason that this new man has been divorced twice, and has been alone for many years. It's a guarantee that this man was also responsible for what went wrong in his marriages. It doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake... it still has two sides. You don't know the wives side of this story.

You have a feeling in your gut right now. Trust it! It's always right!

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

I definitely think you have stumbled upon something there. Do you notice that there are two commonalities in both of his stories? His wives wouldn't sleep with him anymore.

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Thank you. Yes, I did notice that and wondered why - maybe he insulted them, too. Or is he a miserable lover? And the one who went out with her daughter every evening apparently didn't even want his company after work?

... and, I'm very, very glad I didn't sleep with him or I'd probably be feeling even worse.

Oh, the ex is a really good con man - you can't tell. He's already on to his next victims. A former minister, he has a really good scam going. He even has little things he says to charm women and they all think they are the only one he says it to, but he says it to all of them like calls them -"Ponytail Princess" etc. He engratiates himself by volunteering to help - like fixing a fence or making a repair. It is a good reminder though that women should never reveal any financial assets lest they become prey.

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Originally Posted by VCatherine

Thank you. Yes, I did notice that and wondered why - maybe he insulted them, too. Or is he a miserable lover? And the one who went out with her daughter every evening apparently didn't even want his company after work?

...and, I'm very, very glad I didn't sleep with him or I'd probably be feeling even worse.

Oh, the ex is a really good con man - you can't tell. He's already on to his next victims. A former minister, he has a really good scam going. He even has little things he says to charm women and they all think they are the only one he says it to, but he says it to all of them like calls them -"Ponytail Princess" etc. He engratiates himself by volunteering to help - like fixing a fence or making a repair. It is a good reminder though that women should never reveal any financial assets lest they become prey.

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I have an ex that is the same kind of charmer. All the girls... and guys, (friends,family) think he's Mr. wonderful! He's the pillar of the community. He will volunteer for causes, offer to help people with ANYTHING, and he throws money around like it's going out of style. What nobody knew, was that he was a tyrant behind closed doors. He was and is, a control freak, and beat the ever loving crap out of me any chance he could. He broke more bones in my body than I care to count, and had me so totally brainwashed, and literally scared to death to leave, that I stayed for much longer than I EVER should have. If you want to talk abuse, he did it in every form possible. Even when I left, and I finally felt safe enough to tell people, they absolutely knew that it happened, but they still let the charm win them over.

So when I saw you mention abuse, and the women not wanting to sleep with him, big red flags went flashing in front of my face. There is just something that tells me that you can't be around this man. It's not because I was in the abusive relationship, it's because I can now pick up on little things that others might not see. It's kind of like a sixth sense for me now, and why I am here to try and make others see things they might not see when they are too close to the situation. I don't want to see anyone else get hurt. Please stay away, for your own safety.

You should respect him and leave him alone. He may be having second thoughts, he may be listening to the pastor, he may be a jerk and is trying to dump you, it does not matter.
Leave him alone.
He will talk to you again when he is ready and if he doesn't it means he has realized you two were not a match.
This could be a good thing.
Get your divorce and heal.

This will make me unpopular, but the pastor thing is a lame excuse. Come on, it's like saying my Mom won't let me go out and play tonight... and I'm in my thirties!

If he wants to play games, I suggest you play them as well. Let it for a couple of days (it's the weekend, do something for and by yourself). If he doesn't call you, great. If he does, let him leave a few messages. DO NOT return them.

Mid-next week, call him with a very positive mind and apologize for not returning his messages. OR call and say you want to thank him for something he did and you would like to do it in person. Your positive attitude will get him wondering what's up. He WILL call back and/or he will agree to see you -- he will want to know what is making you so positive when just this week, you've been pleading desperately with him. See where I'm going?

Anyway, instead of ranting, I'll just say that if he wants to play games with this "pastor excuse," you should play them too. You WILL win this one, girl ;)

Sam

Don't play games, with anyone! It only leads to more drama, and confusion!

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Originally Posted by samfulcher

This will make me unpopular, but the pastor thing is a lame excuse. Come on, it's like saying my Mom won't let me go out and play tonight... and I'm in my thirties!

If he wants to play games, I suggest you play them as well. Let it for a couple of days (it's the weekend, do something for and by yourself). If he doesn't call you, great. If he does, let him leave a few messages. DO NOT return them.

Mid-next week, call him with a very positive mind and apologize for not returning his messages. OR call and say you want to thank him for something he did and you would like to do it in person. Your positive attitude will get him wondering what's up. He WILL call back and/or he will agree to see you -- he will want to know what is making you so positive when just this week, you've been pleading desperately with him. See where I'm going?

Anyway, instead of ranting, I'll just say that if he wants to play games with this "pastor excuse," you should play them too. You WILL win this one, girl ;)

Sam

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Yes, I for one see where you are going! So what you are saying is that she should pursue him even at the cost of her safety? Have you not read through the other posts? Why the game playing Sam? Is that how you do it on your website? What is there to gain from using underhanded means to trick someone to have them come back?

I will be certain to write down that web address, and remember it. If this is the kind of things you endorse, then spend more time on your own site. I just may go there myself come to think of it. Is this all about winning to you, no matter what the cost? I am genuinely concerned for her safety, are you? Or are you just trying to get more visitors to your site?!

Games are for children. If this guy is playing games, let him play by himself.
You behave as an adult and leave him alone.

Ouch. I knew my post wouldn't be positive, but wow, Homegirl and starbuck8... what's up? I will provide rationale for my position, but I see that my presence here is unwelcome so I won't waste anyone else's time by posting unwelcome feedback (yes, I'll stick to my promise).

VC mentioned in posting #7 that the new man is special to her, not just any man. Why do you think it is that he uses a conversation with a pastor as a reason to stop talking to her? Do you really think a pastor would step in the way of any two people's happiness? They haven't slept together, they are just hanging out.

Yes, there is the mention of love in posting #13, and it is this mention of feelings that seems to have led to the conversation with the pastor in the first place... another sign that this special man is playing a game.

(Now, I use "game playing" loosely, but let's face it. Human interaction is a lot about posturing. You are doing it here with your venomous response to my post. We do it with our partners all of the time whether we acknowledge it on the surface or not. And it is my opinion that this new man is doing it with VC. Whether it is right or wrong, it is a fact of human behavior; we play these posturing games. We must live with it and adapt to it -- that does not mean we have to love it and embrace it, but we do it whether weare consciously aware of it or not).

With this premise in mind, then, is my suggestion really underhanded and a "trick"? You will say it is, and I will say it isn't for the simple fact that when people are distraught and feel unanswered (see VC's post #9), we often do not think clearly. We often cling to desperation, we often lack the objectivity of logic needed to confrot the most basic of problems, let alone those involving someone about whom we care. And it is this type of behavior that turns away people -- we fall in love with strength, confidence, happiness. We shy away (romantically) from people who come begging and pleading (which is another topic for another dissertation, but I would be happy to discuss it off-line if you prefer).

So please forgive me if my attempt to sound upbeat and to provide down-to-earth advice to someone who feels unanswered in her relationship with a man who treats were much, much better than her swindling, aggressive ex, insulted you. It really was not my intention and your message to me has been quite clear. I guess no advice is better than good advice that offends some.

Keep in mind, however, the fragile state of mind that folks like VC are experiencing when you offer your own advice. Keep in mind that any loss (relationships, death, etc.) generally progresses through several emotional stages -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. If you want to accelerate this process, that is up to you. But don't decide for people whether they have "lost" something when neither you nor I can determine what is and what is not lost in a relationship -- only folks like VC can determine that.

Best,
Sam

PS You are more than welcome to visit my site, my columns, my articles, whatever else you might find on this public domain we call the internet. But since I didn't publish it in my post, I wonder why you felt the need to bring it up at all. If I were really pushing it (instead of trying to offer objective advice), would it not make sense that I mention the site and nothing else? Your call on that...

I can see why a pastor would tell him to leave her alone, she is still married. She seeems to be jumping from one relationship and right into another one. If his intentions are good, he should lave alone give her time to heal.
If he is just yanking her chain, all the more reason to back off and leave him alone.

She should step back from this relationship and let time and space make the picture clearer for her.
Sounds like this guy has his own set of problems and that is more reason to just back away. When someone tells you to leave them alone, or give them space, it is best to do it.

JMHO

I think this guy has problems and you are coming from an abusive marriage. This is not a mix for a relationship. He is a guy who has been a knight in shining armour so to speak, but that does not mean that either of you are ready for a relationship at this time.
Take a breather from him, give him his space. You can use the space as well.

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Originally Posted by VCatherine

The Ex - I met him in church and knew him 2 1/2 years before wedding - no problem until wedding day. He was a former minister himself so was surprised when I found out he did porn, was demanding, controlling, and married me for assets, etc....tried to make the best of it and stuck with him through major heart surgery. Yes, I should have gotten the annulment before, but I didn't expect I would meet someone else soon and I was trying to make it work and exhaust every avenue before the annulment.

I am not ready to just trash the other guy because I respect, admire, and love him and things only went bad when the Pastor talked to him. He is a quality person and my question is how to remedy that situation and how to re-start a dialog with him - - - that's where I feel I was unanswered. No one made suggestions about that.

Hope this helps.

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you're right. Its not fair that everyone explodes and gets impatient with you when even your HEADLINE states the specific question you want answered (although I agree with their sound advice- take it into consideration). Why is everyone answering the background info. Instead of answering the question? Evasive. =/ However, I agree with their sound advice- take it into consideration. So u just want to talk to him again? How do u get him 2 talk to you again? Don't talk to him. Let him miss you. Give him time. Don' date foe awhile, figure out who you are, and when he calls you again, tell him you're too busy w/ some responsibilities (other than guys- no guys for a while). He'll see that you're independent, and admire you for it. But do these things in a genuine spirit. Throw yourself into that dance class. Be diligent.
You'll be fine.
God Bless.

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Originally Posted by VCatherine

Mmmm...it has come to my mind that, perhaps this is why he's been alone for so many years. Or maybe he just likes pursuit, not a relationship.

And he said divorce #1 was she was so homesick for parents in another state and she was killing him with her cooking (rich, delicious, fattening foods) and she wouldn't sleep with him anymore after children were born - fear of pregnancy; PMS, abuse to him

#2 ran up $85K in credit card debt in 4 months, moved to another bedroom after a couple of weeks and went out with daughter every night

Maybe his stories are not accurate - they don't seem to be the normal divorce stories like cheating, finances, gay, etc.

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whoa, whoa, whoa!
this guy's crazy! Get out of that. No, actually, you know what? You shouldn't even want him back. There's always 2 sides to a story, so I'm sure that ex wife of his didn't just randomly start plaguing him. If he calls you, let it alone. Answer, and tell him your busy. Just busy.
And as for Sam fulcher or whatever, give the guy a break. He probably didn't read pg. 2. I commented before reading all the pages- just the last 2 on pg. 1.
You should be the one avoiding him . How do you get him to talk to you again? Don't.

No one said you were unwelcome Sam. What bothered me was on the very first thread you replied to, you mentioned your website, and it seemed like you were only here to recruit. Those of us that have been around for awhile here notice those things.

My concerns for her, mainly started in post #15. VC was starting to realize inconsistancies in some of his conversations with her. Then there was the mention of abuse, and the fact that he talks badly about two previous marriages, and hasn't been able to sustain a relationship for a long time.

I go with my gut, and my gut very seldom steers me in the wrong direction. I don't think this man is good for her. I understand that she loves him. Well I have loved people too. It didn't mean it was good or safe for me.

I don't think these games that you are advocating are in any way good for a healthy, honest, trustworthy, respectful, long term relationship. Especially when this mans' personal report card doesn't give him glowing accolades, in regards to his past relationships.

I do take the advice I give here very seriously. I don't just randomly tell someone to leave or let go. I care about the people that ask for help here. I don't just get off the computer and forget about them either. I may care too much sometimes, for someone that I don't even know. But, I will speak up and tell someone when I think the advice given is detrimental to their well being, and this is the sense I get in this particular case.

The good thing about this site, one of the best ones around I might add, is that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and you are welcome to agree or disagree, as long as the site rules are followed.

Do things get heated sometimes? Yes! Do the rules get broken once in awhile? Yes! Do I follow them to the letter? Maybe not sometimes. I am not here to amuse myself. I'm here to try and help, and sometimes I get frustrated when advice is given that is not right for a particular situation.

With that said, I will continue to try and help out people who need it, and you can decide whether to return or not. Makes no difference to me. Just know that if I think you are totally off base, that I will disagree.

Hi again. I got a little lost here... it was my ex that was scary and abusive. He had a whole secret life - secret porn, secret cell phone, secret emailing women, secret dating sites, etc. but, the public him is quite charming and like the other poster's ex, the neighbors all love him - people who don't know him really well.

The new one said his ex had PMS really bad and was abusive to him - are you saying that he's lying and, he not she, is the abusive one? I did not find this one to be abusive so far, but I know he has a lot of pressure caring for his elderly Mom and getting up with her at night and not getting enough sleep, etc. I do admire his care for her. Thought perhaps he was overwhelmed when the bad thing happened.

I made a big mistake by not getting the annulment when the wedding day and night went bad - now I'm paying the price. It never was a marriage. He wanted only my assets. Never dreamed I'd meet someone so soon after the separation and annulment filing. So now get criticized for being married, not admired for trying to make it right and work it out - again, I should have walked away on day one then I wouldn't be in this dilema.

This was just me thinking and wondering out loud (may not be true): "Mmmm... it has come to my mind that, perhaps this is why he's been alone for so many years. Or maybe he just likes pursuit, not a relationship. And he said divorce #1 was she was so homesick for parents in another state and she was killing him with her cooking (rich, delicious, fattening foods) and she wouldn't sleep with him anymore after children were born - fear of pregnancy; PMS, abuse to him. #2 ran up $85K in credit card debt in 4 months, moved to another bedroom after a couple of weeks and went out with daughter every night. Maybe his stories are not accurate - they don't seem to be the normal divorce stories like cheating, finances, gay, etc."

Oh, well, I may never know the truth about it... unless he decides to tell me.

I want to especially thank those of you who understood, were sensitive to my feelings, patient, and tried sincerely to help... bless you.

An annulment, or divorce, is seldom the end of our problems, and you would be well served to let the healing process run its course and take it slow and let yourself learn to love yourself enough to be patient.

Going from one relationship to another is seldom a solution, and you can be vulnerable, and jump, at what may look good, and attractive, but is not. We all need friends and the support of others, but they must be true friends, and everyone has baggage to deal with.

With men and relationships and dating, caution, and discretion, before giving your heart, and only after paying attention, and knowing them a long time. Then you'll know if the talk matches the action.

Never play games. Leave that to the players, and there are many out there waiting for the inexperienced. Don't go there.

You don't know this man anymore than you knew your husband.
You need to be very careful, take your time, go through a healing process.
This guy may be a good one and a keeper, he may not be, but you need to step back as he has and is asking you too. Maybe you both need to just "Take a break"