I have been dating a guy for 6 months. He says he loves me but I found out that he is cheating on me... He has a drinking problem. Please tell me how to let go and walk away. I love him and that isn't easy to do. Not only that but about 2 weeks ago he got mad and broke my windshield. Like a fool I went back that's when I found out he had been cheating on me. This guy has A lot of issues that I have tried to help him with.
And about 3 weeks ago he stopped having sex with me. Says it isn't right in the eyes of god and that he cares too much about me for that.

I have told him NO CONTACT but he is still leaving me messages like hi and hope you have a good day. It is messing with me emotionally. I know some of you don't think he is worth it but I do love this man but I am trying to move on. I just really want to help him.


So how to I build myself esteem??

WOW OK...
Hear this :-
Once a cheat always a cheat.

He cheats on you and has a drinking problem.
Walk away, the longer you leave it, the worse it gets.

How do I walk away.. I know that he isn't good for me but it is really hard to tell my heart that. How do I move on?

Sometimes its best to listen to our head not our heart, our heart can be weak at times and makes the wrong decissions. Listen to your head, tell yourself to get out now before it gets worse.
Im sure you still fairly young and have a full future ahead of you, and you'll meet a nice guy who is not a cheat and likes a drink or 2 but doesn't have a problem!

Thank you so much for your advice. So I don't even need to try to be his friend because we are best friends. I don't even need to take his call

Yep... you can never trust him again... you shouldn't love him, but hate him.

He has taken you for granted... doesn't respect you.

The SOONER you move on, the better.


Yes... as I always say, and I have proved it over and over here - once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheaters have thi gene in them where they JSUTIFY cheating is OK - and blame it on you. They are really selfish people and you should not date them - they always sabatoge their relationships.

You are welcome
Good luck sweety xx

Wait - this ISN'T your best friend ever!! He betrayed your trust. Get rid of this guy.

Some best friend eh??
I wouldn't even want to see his face, its bad enough being with someone for 6 months and they betray you, but it's a 100 times worse when the person concerned if your "bestfriend".
RRRGGGHHHH that would make me mad and id tell him to **** off, big time!

I have to give you 100 points for knowing this relationship is unhealthy and know to get out of it. Every time you think of this person don't just picture the good but also the bad things he's done ,his lying ,his cheating. In other words play his whole tape the bad as well as the good and remember how YOU felt when he did you dirt, and stay as far away from him as possible. Good luck!:cool: :) :mad:

Dancingtwins-We all would in your shoes.That natural and normal. Sometimes ALL of us have to bump our heads against the wall before we learn. No shame in that at all. The shame would be doing it again. And No those are not lumps on my head, they are learning bruises:cool: :rolleyes:

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Don't be, all will be fine... put it this way this whole relationship won't be your loss honey! More like your gain ;)

What if you had married the jerk and had 6 of his babies? See It could have been much worse.:cool: :eek:

I think you may be surprised how well you can get on with things with out him. It might hurt at first, although by the sounds of this guy it shouldn't, but you'll be fine. Don't even attempt to have anything to do with him. You think you are best friends but you aren't. That is a convenience thing for him to tell you that.

He doesn't repsect you at all. Be strong. You are making the first steps by looking for advice now go and put that advice into action and tell this bum what your doing.

Good luck!

Let's see: he's a drinker, a cheater and has a violent temper. What could you possibly love about this guy? And he has the nerve to state that something's "not right in the eyes of God?" and "he cares too much about you for that?" Sure, he cares so much about you that he cheats on you (i.e. has sex with someone else) and smashed your windshield. I guess it's OK for him to have sex with someone else "in the eyes of God", just not you. I guess it's OK to drink excessively and smash people's windshields. Well, the God I know and trust doesn't play favorites and probably hates excessive drinking (and its effects) and violence even more than he hates fornication. He also certainly hates emotional abuse, which is what this is really all about. I'm sorry, but I'd RUN away from this guy just as fast as my legs could carry me. That jazz about it not being right in the eyes of God is just a big guilt trip that he's trying to lay on you. Shame on him for profaning the name of God to do so, no less! Smashing your windshield speaks for itself. Heck if I saw this guy get run over by a car I wouldn't even call the police. I think I'd secretly hope that the driver that did it would back his car up and do it again. How could you possibly love a guy who merits nothing but utter contempt?

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Originally Posted by Krs

Sometimes its best to listen to our head not our heart, our heart can be weak at times and makes the wrong decissions. Listen to your head, tell yourself to get out now before it gets worse.
Im sure you still fairly young and have a full future ahead of you, and you'll meet a nice guy who is not a cheat and likes a drink or 2 but doesnt have a problem!

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Exactly right. Use your head, not your heart. Tried to rate you Krs but got the "spread it around" jazz. I really wish they'd do away with that policy. Heck if someone deserves multiple ratings, so be it.

I definitely agree with the replies above me. If he cheated on you and hurt u, then why would you want this guy as a friend? You need to just let go- its hard, but it will be harder to sit around while he hurts you and cry yourself to sleep everynight- you deserve more than that! There is someone out there who will love you the way that you deserve to be loved... it is hard to let go- but be thankful it was only 6 months... I was in a 2 year relationship and was not treated the way I deserved to be- my boyfriend never cheated on me, but I knew I deserved more- please don't stick around as long as I did if you are aware of this already! Goodluck!

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Originally Posted by Krs

Dont be, all will be fine... put it this way this whole relationship wont be your loss honey!! More like your gain ;)

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What do I have to gain by lossing him

Freedom and a chance to make better choices. And be happy with life to start with!

By losing him you gain the opportunity to learn the lesson, you get to look at the beating yourself esteem took, you get time to build yourself up without him and eventually be in far better shape for the right guy when he comes along.

Stay and you will sacrifice things that no one should sacrifice. Self esteem, security, trust, etc. Real love doesn't ask that from us.

Look around and you will see the world proves that losers* (for lack of a better word) hook up with losers and winners hook up with winners. So which one are you? And who does that make you belong with?

I hope that is a little clearer.

*Losers are people with personal problems who like to play the victim card about it, and think that lets them off the hook for doing anything about it. It is the number one way we keep ourselves trapped in the mess. This said from a former "loser" herself!

Can't spread the love - but I agree with the above. Great points.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

By losing him you gain the opportunity to learn the lesson, you get to look at the beating your self esteem took, you get time to build yourself up without him and eventually be in far better shape for the right guy when he comes along.

Stay and you will sacrifice things that no one should sacrifice. Self esteem, security, trust, etc. Real love doesn't ask that from us.

Look around and you will see the world proves that losers* (for lack of a better word) hook up with losers and winners hook up with winners. So which one are you? And who does that make you belong with?

I hope that is a little clearer.

*Losers are people with personal problems who like to play the victim card about it, and think that lets them off the hook for doing anything about it. It is the number one way we keep ourselves trapped in the mess. This said from a former "loser" herself!

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Very good point I will move on. Thank you so much for your help

Stop trying to 'help' him. First he gets upset with you when you try to part with this relationship. Then, you go back to him and he 'cuts you off' - please get real!

He's just doing that because he does not like it when he gets rejected, so now he's just stringing you on until he's found another 'miss right' - and from what you say, he's already shopping around.

This guy will never get serious, no matter how much you think your 'help' will work. You will just be wasting valuable time and energy.

You have a dream, look for the one who deserves you and dream it with a new partner.

Also, reassess why you think you need to help someone who drinks, cheats and generally treats women with disrespect.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifYou don't need this.

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Originally Posted by dancingtwins

What do I have to gain by lossing him

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A whole lot sweety! A future without a selfish cheater and a drinker with a problem. Its your gain because you are FREE from him, FREE to do what you want, and FREE because you may soon meet a genuinily nice guy.. that you deserve after all. This guy you can't seem to trust as far as you could throw him...
If you are still with him then you have nothing of the above to gain ;) see my point.

He's what you call a psychic vampire. He attaches to you emotionally and then basically sucks your feelings out. He's a puppy in the rain on the corner that you want to save- but he has rabies. All in all, just ignore him. This has happened to me! Don't even look at the messages, just delete them. He has a passing thought about you and feels a need to reach out. He needs to feed on your emotions to feel better, don't let him.

You, my dear, are wonderful for trying to help him. But he has an alcohol problem and he cheats. The saying once a cheater always a cheater is true. But besides that, alcohol is almost as hard as smoking to break. You can't help him, he needs a professional. Trust me, you don't want to be a professional. I myself had a friend that was suicidal and in the end, after almost fainting all the time because of emotional and physical exhausting, I realized I alone couldn't help him.

So the advice: Ignore him. You're a wonderful angel for wanting to help him, but unfortunately, you aren't the person who can. I know how much you really want to be, but in the end you'll feel a lot better not trying. Trying to help him won't work. Good luck!

Yes - he needs help - but not from you. He is a mess. Luckily he only broke your wind shield.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

By losing him you gain the opportunity to learn the lesson, you get to look at the beating your self esteem took, you get time to build yourself up without him and eventually be in far better shape for the right guy when he comes along.

Stay and you will sacrifice things that no one should sacrifice. Self esteem, security, trust, etc. Real love doesn't ask that from us.

Look around and you will see the world proves that losers* (for lack of a better word) hook up with losers and winners hook up with winners. So which one are you? And who does that make you belong with?

I hope that is a little clearer.

*Losers are people with personal problems who like to play the victim card about it, and think that lets them off the hook for doing anything about it. It is the number one way we keep ourselves trapped in the mess. This said from a former "loser" herself!

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I came back here expressly to rate this post, but still was not able to. So, here it is again.

I agree wholeheartedly that you are better off without him and the sooner, the better.

You'll really enjoy your life once you've got it back.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

You know in most cases like this the woman can loose her life. The guy will get sooo angry and frustrated by his life that he will kill the person that wants to help him. You know what you gain by leaving? You gain a new lease on life and a chance to walk away whole and clean. Not many get that chance. Someone is watching out for you and you better be listening to that guardian angle cause they only have so long before they get tired of seeing us run into that brick wall. Ask yourself, If I had a daughter would I want to see her in this type of relationship? I wouldn't want my children boy or girl to want to help someone that they were hurting this bad. Get out while you still have the legs to walk upon, get out before you end up in the morgue.

Quick Update:: I have completely cut him out of my life. I feel less stress now then the whole time I have known him. Thanks to everyone that responded to my problem.

I'm glad we could help... just stick around here you may be able to help someone else. Were always happy to have another 2cents floating around.

That's great - change is very hard... but you could never be with this guy. He has it in his mind to treat you a certain way...

DON'T listen to his pleas to change... you have to move on.

Very happy for you - there is someone great outthere for you... but he ain't it.

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Originally Posted by dancingtwins

Quick Update:: I have completely cut him out of my life. I feel less stress now then the whole time I have known him. Thanks to everyone that responded to my problem.

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Doncha love it when a plan comes together! :)

So.. there is truth to the expression:

"The life you save may be your own!"

Good for you girl! Don't give up on yourself and your dreams.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Doll face... It's not easy letting go of someone you love.. But you know it's the right thing for you.. I think you feel like you want to be the solution to his issues.. And As awesome as I know you are... He needs to overcome those issues with a trained professional..
Besides in all your awesomeness you deserve someone who will share in your joy, not someone who brings you to advice sites to gain back yourself esteem.. You rock girl.. Now walk away and find someone who sees it.. And if it helps.. Program his name to dial a friend's number instead of his!! Trust me it works!