Ask Me Help Desk - After 10 years I was dumped

After 10 years I was dumped

I just recently had a hysterectomy and my fiancée of 2 years (together for 10) decided to tell me that he was not in love with me. He said he had been feeling like this for two months. I moved out of our place, but he contacted me yesterday to explain that he feels we have two different lifestyles (me a homebody, him a night life kind of guy), I felt we were compromising for a long time but I guess not. He said he thinks I am a wonderful woman but knows I deserve better. This is the 6th time he has done this in the 10 yrs we have been together. He said this time is permanet, he does not know why he acts like this, he is like his mother, not knowing what he wants in life. He is wanting me to still be a part of his life, but I don't think that would be a good idea. We share a 5yr old godson, I do love him, but am sick of this. What advice can you all give me

He's done this to you 6 times, huh? Was the split always for the same reason? Either way, 6 times to break up and get back together is a lot, even if you've been together 10 years. The best advice I can give you to make it easier on you is not to talk to him. Somewhere down the road you guys could probably be friends but until you're over him try to find things to do to occupy your time. Spend more time with friends, anything to keep busy. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be with someone for 10 years and then it's over.

Yeah... I am not experienced enough to offer advice to you. But I will be praying for you.

Thanks Zoe Marie
Well, we had always had a rocky relationship, but I thought we were getting there. Last year he ended the relationship for the same reason, and when I questioned him on it the last time, he said that he felt he missed me for my friendship, and was confused by that. I don't know, he is a good guy, but he is very influenced by people and events in his life. I told him yesterday I needed time to heal, he asked me to call him I did, and he felt the need to explain to me that I am a wonderful woman and deserve the best, he felt we are just better off as friends and has been feeling like this for a while. I am trying to adjust but he is still calling. He said that he does wonder if this was the right choice, but he realizes that he has some healing to do also and wonders if it was the right decision. But then he says I deserve to be happy and he can't see me being happy with the decision of staying together when he wants to live a different way as me (which is to go out partying and hanging out with people I have nothing in common with).

Breaking up is definitely a hard thing to go through, I would imagine especially if you've been with the person 10 years. I've never been with anyone that long. It's going to be harder for both of you to heal if he still calls you though. It sounds like it's best this happened though. It will give you a chance to find someone who wants you more than for just a friendship (you said he missed your friendship last time you broke up) and that you have more in common though.

This has been over several times , but hopefully this is it.

Stop all contact from him all together, and get a plan to rebuild your life without him. Read my signature, and visit the stickies at the beginning of this forum, and ask all the questions you want.

All three postings of the "No Contact Calender" will let you see your not alone, as many go through the break up blues, and get through it. So can you.

Rebound or what?

Threads merged

Hello All:

I am having a hard time dealing with the ending of this relationship, I was with this man for 2 weeks shy of 10 years. I stood by him through everything (unemployment, health issues, prison(3 1/2 years faithfully and stupidly). Throughout the relationship I caught him lying, cheating, and disrespecting me in so many ways. We broke up and he begged me to come back more than once, we got engaged two years ago, I went in have a hysterectomy, and two weeks into my recovery he tells me he has not been in love with me for two months and it was over. I moved out, two weeks later he starts dating a woman who was related to a friend of his, and got along with me and wanted to help me plan my wedding, now they are living together and it is only been 4 1/2 months post breakup. IS this a rebound or what? I know I deserve better, however I gave this man nearly a century of my life, how can he treat me like this??

Some people are just thoughtless and selfish.I am sure I could conjure up some more fitting adjectives but that would serve no purpose.

I have seen so many good people get dumped on,I can't begin to count them.

I would say she is a rebound but if I were you I would be glad to have him gone ,before the wedding and a vow that he would most likely find incapable of honoring.

I'm sorry for your pain.There are some people who just suck the life right out of you and then move on to do it to someone else.

I do believe in Karma and he will get his someday.

I am sure there are many men who would love to have a faithful girl like you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by scornedtoomuch

I know I deserve better, however I gave this man nearly a century of my life, how can he treat me like this?????

You have given him a decade. A century is 100 years.

It really doesn't matter what his relationship with this new person is. You need to focus on yourself and healing. Seeking answers will not help you feel any better in this situation.

Thanks so much Artlady, your words really mean a lot to me. I know that he has done some evil things, but is there something wrong with me that I still allowed it to happen? I wanted to really make things work with him, and I ended up forgetting about me in the process. He will be 38 this year, and he acts like he is still in his teens. I gave up my 20's for him now I have to move on, it is just so hard for me:)

Thanks for clearing that up justwantfair, it certainly feels like a century :(

It feels like forever but you still have A lot of life left. And from the sounds of your relationship that was NO way to be spending it.

Let him bring himself and the new girl down, you can do better with your life then being some prisoner's wife.

Thank you for your kind words as well justwantfair. I hope I can pick up the pieces of my life and move on, that is what everyone tells me, it is just so hard. I am in therapy trying to get some help, it works for the moment, but then later I just feel down and start questioning everything about us, and I am hardly able to function. I wonder how long this will take to get through it??

It can take a long time, remember you gave him a decade. It always depends on the individual not only are you giving up on him, you are in desperate need to find out about you again.

Come here, vent ANYTIME you would like. You will find plenty of listening ears and GREAT advice. We have all gone through this process, it's painful and support is the BEST offense.

Therapy is wonderful, good luck to you and God bless.

[not only are you giving up on him, you are in desperate need to find out about you again.

That is so true, I don't know who I am any more. It was always us, or rather him. Now its me, and I have to find out who I am. That makes a lot of sense. Thanks so much!

Comment on artlady's post

Very true!

Quote:

Originally Posted by scornedtoomuch

Thanks so much Artlady, your words really mean alot to me. I know that he has done some evil things, but is there something wrong with me that I still allowed it to happen? I wanted to really make things work with him, and I ended up forgetting about me in the process. He will be 38 this year, and he acts like he is still in his teens. I gave up my 20's for him now I have to move on, it is just so hard for me:)

My Dear,just be grateful that you did not waste your entire life on him.

Its shocking when we realize how taken we have been by someone that we failed to see what a losing jerk they were all along.

There is a lot of advice here on how to heal after a break-up.Please take advantage of it and keep in mind that you may be able to advise someone else who is walking in your shoes.
It also helps to take your mind off your own pain, and that is a must right now.

Hang in there ;)

I feel your pain and sympathise with you , but it honestly sounds like your better off without this loser. I know that's easier to say and your finding that hard to believe at the moment with all the emotional turmoil that's involved.

Write a list of all the Pro's and Con's of this man , I'll bet the Con's will be a longer list. Sometimes looking at something like that makes the realisation kick in.

Good Luck!!

8 months post Long Term relationship breakup

Threads merged

Hello Everyone:

I posted here in Oct 08, after being dumped during my recovery of a hysterectomy and my fiancée and I were together two weeks shy of ten years. I just wanted to give you a follow up on everything. I am nearly 8 months post breakup and I feel so much better about everything. After the initial shock of the breakup, I went through every emotion of grief imaginable. The anger stage was the worst. But through therapy and good friends, I am able to say I am just about healed. I still have some ways to go, but because my ex fiancée is part of my life due to his family is my family (we were together ten years), I see him and his girlfriend and I am able to now talk a little with them, and am more relaxed, and I know that deep down there is someone better out there for me. I am thankful that my ex left me, now I have a chance to find someone better. I am taking my time, just getting my life together, and one day I know I will find love again. Now I will be much more smarter and recongnize the red flags a little bit more. I wanted to let whoever out there know that is going through a really tough breakup and have feelings of not being able to get through the day let alone 8 months later like me, you can do it. I wish you all the luck, and remember when one door closes another one opens. This site is awesome and listen to the advise of some of the experts, because it is so true. Thanks for your support and good luck to all the new dumpees. You will find your way again

Glad to hear you are doing better! Good luck to you in the future.

Hi scornedtoomuch,
I am glad you made such a good progress. I like to confirm that your future is just bright. You will find the better person for you who will really love you as you are. You grew up while you were going through the pain, and you will find yourself you are more thankful when you meet the right person for you.
So, it is a just win-win situation! Cheers.

Thanks so much for your support Winding200 and kctiger ! It really means a lot to me. I cannot believe how much brighter my life feels, and when the breakup happened, I could not even breathe without crying. Now I am finally finding the self esteem that I lost and I am loving myself better than anyone has before and it is AWESOME!

Me too. I was a freaking mess when she broke up with me... now, glad to say, I am doing A LOT better and I am even happier. Life has a funny way of working itself out.

It certainly does. I am glad you are feeling better too kctiger. I always tell everyone that I know if I can do it, heal after what I have been through, anyone can do it. I thought a piece of me, well rather half of me died when he left me, now whenever I see him, he cannot stop staring at me, probably wondering why am I so happy without him, and I love it. I am nice to both he and his live in girlfriend, and I think that shocks him. But I don't do it because of him, I do it for me. I forgave both of them a long time ago and once I did that it helped my healing process a whole lot more. He is not a bad guy he is just a bad guy for me. :)

A piece of me certainly did die when my ex left me... as far as I am concerned, she can have that piece, cause the replacement piece there now is much better! Enjoy your life Scorned!

LOL!! Good for you. I hope to enjoy life from now on! Good luck with everything Kctiger! :D

Glad to hear everything is working out for you!

Thanks so much Romefalls19! It is getting better each day! :cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by scornedtoomuch

I thought a piece of me, well rather half of me died when he left me, now whenever I see him, he cannot stop staring at me, probably wondering why am I so happy without him, and I love it.

I have experienced this and it is truly one of the best feelings in the world. I don't know if it's true but to me it means at some point after the break up they realized they screwed up and they can't do anything about it. Sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side... for them!

I definitely agree Chuff, I was at a family wedding and he was there with his girlfriend and I was just dancing away having the best time, and I saw him stare at me so much, he spent more time watching me than he did with his girlfriend, and I gave him a little bit of flirting, but nothing more, and I saw him blush so much it was quite funny. His girl def feels weird around me and tries to make it up by forcing her friendship on me, and I just go with the flow, and he just seems shocked that I am no longer angry and even though it bothers me just a little, I will never let him see it. The grass is not always greener, that is so true, and when they finally realize it, most of the time it will be too late. Definitely for me it is too late for him. I am moving on towards better things!

He can't stand hurting you. Every time he leaves he feels overwhelmed by guilt. That's the only reason he never follows through. I don't mean to sound mean, but I get really annoyed when I hear things like this, because women like you are helping guys like him to not progress and improve their behaviour. After 10 years and 6 attempts to leave the relationship I think you are the one who needs to realise that although he loves you you are not the one for him. When a man meets the one for him he KNOWS it. It is patronising to suggest he can't make up his own mind and is easily influenced by others - it abdicates him of responsibility for his own life and gives you the excuse you want to avoid the truth - he does not want you. Sorry. I really hope as it's 2011 things have changed by now.