Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Now that you have a lil background...heres what happen recently. 2 weeks after I broke up with her. As time goes by Im fine...finally realizing that I need to accept the situation and move on. Well I didn't I kept believing in a "false hope" that things can work out. So I broke the "NO CONTACT" rule and messaged her telling her that "I miss her and that we can work things out and that there was so much more of me that I wanted her to get to know and that I care for her so much."

So 4 days go by. I text her to see how she was doing. Then I asked her "Is she still thinking about everything or is her mind made up about what she want to do" and she said she was still thinking. But then she changed the subject and said she has to go so I said ok. So this past Saturday I texted her and told that I had some things to do but after that I am free if she wanted to talk. Maybe we could go get a bite to eat and just talk. She didn't return a message sayin anything. So later that day I texted her again letting her know that I was done with what I had to do. She texted me back and said "No Im trying to catch up on my homework." I felt that the tone in text was friendly at all. So I texted her back and said "I sorry to bother you then. Good luck with studying. take care."

She didn't text back so I felt that you know her mind is made up she is not thinking about the situation she just want me to just moved on without her having to tell me. So I texted her saying "I really like you but are you really thinking about the situation? I just want us to make a honest try." So she texts me back and says that "I don't want a second chance. I dont believe in that bc it will never be like it was at first so no" So when I read that I started to think that she had her mind made up a long time ago. SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES BUT I GAVE HER A SECOND CHANCE! I felt like I was lead on. But if she would of never changed on me we would be alright. She is talking like it was my fault that the relationship went to way it did. It was all her doin.

Since the break up was fresh...During the past week on her facebook status online. It read "I am confused about this one [guy]. Yet Im am so infactuate by him. And yes. it is you." Other times it said "I have high hopes in someone"...."What happen between then and now. Was all of that just talk?"..."Ima have to pass on that offer and leave the past in the past." AND SHE TOLD ME THAT ALL OF THAT WASN'T ABOUT ME. SO THAT TELLS ME THAT SHE MOVED ON VERY QUICKLY WHEN I BROKE UP WITH HER. SHE WASNT THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING. I FELT LIKE SHE WAS LEADING ME ON....I NEED YOU GUYS ADVICE.

---

This past Saturday midday I texted her "Are you ok?"... then "I hope you are doin fine and everything is ok with you. You popped in my mind." and she didn't reply at all. So I left it alone. Then Sunday it was still on my mind. So I texted her could I talk to her? You know... basically I wanted say that I accepted the fact that she doesn't want to be with me, but could me and her be on good terms. I even apologized to her for how things turned out. She ignores me! I really was trying to be the bigger person because she a christian, and I'm a christian and I thought maybe me and her can be friends and put the past behind us. But she ignores, doesn't reply or anything. Messaged her on myspace and she doesn't read those messages. I called her but she never answered so I left a voicemail saying the same thing. I don't understand.

LEAVE HER ALONE! Do you have any dignity left? Grow a set and just accept that its over, if she wants to talk to you, believe me, she will make an attempt. You shouldn't have broken NC, but you did. After the first time she ignored you, you should have gotten the hint and yet you didn't so you went psycho and called her, messaged her and texted her. Just let it go

I hate to break this to you but being needy is probably the worst thing you could've done. I realize that a part of you still wants contact with your ex. After all, when it comes to people you care about, all you really want is to know how they're doing, even if it means they're not really yours anymore.

At the end of the day, though, most of the reason you want contact with said person is a faint hope that some day something will bloss up again, whereas the possibility of this happening is very slim and being needy will surely only make it worse. I know how it is. Part of me wants to be friends with my ex-girlfriend, although I've come to terms with the fact that it's just a hopeless way of keeping her in my life, and that it'll only end up hurting me.

Your ex-girlfriend is igorning you for a reason, probably because she feels suffocated as long as you're around her, part of her most likely wants to be free and she wants to feel like she can do whatever she wants. When you're contacting her and she gets the option to ignore you, you're giving her just what she wants. Control, and an ego-boost. I believe that most times when a woman breaks up with a man who really loves her, part of it is because she feels good about herself and feels she has things to offer the world. Basically when you're being needy and keep sending her messages and wanting to talk to her / meet her, she feels like she's "a catch" per se, and will most likely just send her further away, not to mention the fact that regardless of any action she does, she'll feel like she's got something to fall back on.

Now, no matter what your future holds for you, if you'll eventually get over this woman and not want her back, or if you do want her back sometime in the future, the best option is NC. No matter what your goal is, contacting her is only going to make life more miserable for you. I know this is hard to understand, heck I was reading it on these forums over and over and over again and part of me couldn't quite believe it so I too did the fatal mistake of contacting her and making her feel important, which just ends up giving her all that control and pushing me away. The last time I spoke to my girlfriend I gave her a devil-may-care attitude and acted like I didn't really care that she was gone, and only then, for the first time since we broke up I actually got a response for her that was showing she was displeased.

So please, think of it this way: If you ever want a slightest chance of the two of you getting back together, you're going to have to do NC. After a couple weeks or months of NC, you'll probably not even care that much if you ever do get back together, and you'll probably have evolved a lot as an individual. But I can't stress it enough, do not contact her. Do whatever you can do prevent yourself from contact her as soon as your head is clear enough. Delete her number, delete her mail, anything that could help.

Contacting one time is a slip up, a bad one, but it happens. Repeated attempts using every way you can think (text, myspace messages, calling) without any response from her is when you just show to her you are missing the big red flag that you're done.

I'm sorry, but all you did was make yourself look desperate over a girl who clearly hasn't been interested in some time. Work on getting over her and then you can focus on meeting a girl who will be better for you.

Clinging to this one is clearly just going to deplete any dignity and self esteem you have left.

I know how you feel! I am on day 2 of NC and it is hard, especially in my situation to find out she has already found another boyfriend. I treat it literally like someone is dying now. I have changed my phone number, gotten rid of Facebook, blocked her email address and every singe piece of evidence I have at my house is in a box in the basement. I know now that I cannot talk, see or even email her until I am healed. Could be a month (I wish), or could be a year. It truly is painful but contacting her only opens up the wound again. All the past couple of weeks when I slipped up I now know she didn't pick up the phone due to being with her new man...

She doesn't want to be your friend nor have anything to do with you so stop reaching out to her. What your had and shared is over with. She don't want to have any discusses with you about your two. If I was her I would be ignored and change my number. Stop the text messages and bothering her and stop checking out her Facebook account and move on. It doesn't matter that you two are Christians she don't want to be bothered by you. You should realized that and move forward and accept that what your had is over.

Yea its so hard... I care for her a lot... you know? I actually thought I was making progress, then I slipped up and contacted her. And she has shown that she is uninterested and done with me and her, but its still hard to me to not hit her up... I have to stay on NC. I just have to. I was doing so good. Why isn't she taking it as hard as I am??

Your not very good at taking hints, are you??

One question though, which is harder?? Your head, or that brick wall??

That brick wall I keeping running in to is harder!! Im tired of it... really I am...

You can do this, I have got through the worst of it, and I did more crazy things than you.. for God sake I tried to fake an accident. Don't let this consume you.

Naw I'm not gone do anything like that... lol But I just need to let it go. Its so obvious that she did... you know?? She is such a good girl, the perfect girl for me. You know... what pops in my mind is how she used to treat me when she was crazy about me... you know? Even doe that's all over with... I don't understand how a good situation turned so bad... I keep believing in that false hope... bad thing to do.
I KEEP HITTING THAT BRICK WALL Every time MAKING MYSELF LOOK INSECURE AND NEEDY.

I Should have NEVER GOT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP... IT WOULD HAVE SAVED A lot OF HEARTACHE AND PAIN...

How long ago was the break-up? You can't take a step forward then 2 steps back and you can't make someone try to be with you if they don't want too. You really need to let go.

High Max, was you the one that posted a thread about faking a injury from a car accident and you had some relatives to go along with the plot?

Quote:

---

I Should have NEVER GOT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP... IT WOULD HAVE SAVED A lot OF HEARTACHE AND PAIN...

---

If you would never have gotten into this, you would never have learned what to do with that misery and pain, and would have no experience to call on in the future. we all learn from our misery and pain, and are better for it in the long run, as you will see for yourself.

Sucks big-time now, I know.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by liz28

How long ago was the the break-up? You can't take a step forward then 2 steps back and you can't make someone try to be with you if they don't want too. You really need to let go.

High Max, was you the one that posted a thread about faking a injury from a car accident and you had some relatives to go along with the plot?

---

I tried to pay my sister money to go along with it, but nobody else would. I used their cell phones to text her when they went to bed to try and make it more believable.

That's good they didn't but I remember answering your thread and was shocked that someone would do that in hopes of getting someone back. That how come when you said that in this thread, that post came to mind but I couldn't remember who post it. Glad your planned got folded and you moved on.

The goal was to get her to find a new found appreciation for me and come back to me. She asked if I was doing OK a few times, but that was it, even though I emphasized near death injuries. I answered my own questions as to how much she cared for me at that point.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you would never have gotten into this, you would never have learned what to do with that misery and pain, and would have no experience to call on in the future. we all learn from our misery and pain, and are better for it in the long run, as you will see for yourself.

Sucks big-time now, I know.

---

Yea I can kind of see that... prolly will see that more as time goes by... you know? When I really get over her... for real. But I can honestly say that I learned a lot from this situation. This is the first relationship that I actually took this hard, learned a lot about myself. But going through this did knock my self-esteem down some though (sometimes thinking will I ever meet someone as cool as she was.) Even though I know there other fish in the sea. What a experience though?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you would never have gotten into this, you would never have learned what to do with that misery and pain, and would have no experience to call on in the future. we all learn from our misery and pain, and are better for it in the long run, as you will see for yourself.

Sucks big-time now, I know.

---

Yea I can kind of see that... prolly will see that more as time goes by... you know? When I really get over her... for real. But I can honestly say that I learned a lot from this situation. This is the first relationship that I actually took this hard, learned a lot about myself. But going through this did knock my self-esteem down some though (sometimes thinking will I ever meet someone as cool as she was.) Even though I know there other fish in the sea. What a experience though?

Quote:

---

What an experience though?

---

You ain't kiddin', buddy!!

Wait until the next one, and trust me there will be another, so heal, and get ready.

Aww man... not another one of those..! Hopefully If I really learned from this experience it would teach me to follow my gut feelings, and pay more attention to the changes when they happen early on. And learn to guard my heart more carefully... and don't take someone's words to heart... pay more attention the actions behind the words...

I am impressed!

It took me getting on over a year to get over my first proper 'gf.' I actually spoke to her on msn not that long ago, it was quite strange but I guess a sense of loneliness, acceptance and satisfaction that I had finally moved on.

In fact despite my thinking I would never meet anyone else, as tali said, there will be others. I met an amazin gal on a 4 week tour group holiday. However due to distance and well her, it was just a short lived holiday romance. Ill never say never though as we have tour group reunions but dosing yourself up with realism really helps!

The key is to keep busy, keep your mind occupied, don't fall into the trap of the 'revolving door'! Your going round in circles here, let her go, there will be more women in your life. Between then and now make an effort to improve yourself as a person!

"Lesson learned, women like challenge, once it's gone so are you!"

Women like a challenge?. can someone please explain that to me... please

You stop being hard on this dude


The is rough for him

I have gone 34 days no contact,and if it wasn't for God and the help of some friends


I would been broke


He is back at square one,but it's a good lesson for him to just let it go


For the original poster,dude she know your number,she knows where you at,if she want to contact she will

You should have left her that one text and left it alone

You keeping on texting her like that,still shows that your desperate,and women hate that bro

Keep your head up,and be strong

Ya this was a major setback for your cause but life is all about making mistakes. The one thing I've learned is to start letting go as soon as possible and pick up a new hobby. Ya it's hard but think someone else today got broken up with and is starting this process. It's hard one but it's life and I really think that you can get through this.

Best of luck

Desperation make you not think st8

Make you start doing stuff you normally wouldn't do


Like begging,confessing your love for them

Not knowing,you only pushing them away even more


My favorite rapper jay-z said on the black album

They say "they never really miss you til you dead or you gone
So on that note i'm leaving after the song"

And on the end of the song he said

If you can respect that your whole perspective is wack
Maybe you'll love me when I fade to black

Quote:

---

Women like a challenge?. can someone please explain that to me... please

---

It means some females like the hard to figure guy, but since you don't know the female until you get to know them...

Be yourself, and if they like it fine, if not..................see ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't play games, then you probably wont fall for any.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

"Lesson learned, women like challenge, once it's gone so are you!"

Women like a challenge?...can someone please explain that to me...please

---

Direct from the keyboard from the man himself.

Women want a man. Some men define a relationship and love as basically laying down and doing whatever women want to make them happy. In essence they never stand there ground and defend themselves. Women hate men like this, even if they are with them. They want a man who will challenge them on things. The problem most guys have is they think this means being a complete prick all the time. You can do this in a joking manner.

For example, the Chuffster is currently dating a new woman and more importantly, he is also the proud owner of a new Patroit blue, V8 Dodge Ram extended cab pickup truck... and yeah, it's got a Hemi. Now Sweets you probably would never guess this about me, but I've been bragging to anybody that will listen about my new truck. Well, the girl I've been seeing touched it one night after I told her I just washed it, and instead saying nothing or getting mad, I flat out told her, "You have not been given touching rights to my truck.....Quite honestly, you don't deserve visual rights to even look at the truck and if you keep it up, I will revoke those." What the hell am I thinking? I've turned touching my truck into a joke well at the same time challenged her in that she has to come up with an answer to that.

The other day she came to me and asked if we could get drinks this Wednesday at 5:15 pm. Most guys would answer "Uh Okay" or "sure." The Chuffster turned it around and asked her, "Do you deserve to be seen in public with me?" That's a challenge, because it forces her to step out of her usual brain dead answer. And her answer was, "fine we don't have to go" I replied, "Good I've been saved the embarrassment." She laughed and said, "I'll see you at 5:15" without missing a beat I said, "make it 5:14 and don't be late." All I've done is shaved a minute off her time, but I keep her off her toes because whatver she says, I throw it back at her in a challenging manner with some light humor.

Most guys... me included get to a point where they become comfortable and quit making the relationship a challenge, they just glide or give in to her at all times. Women don't want that, they want a guy that will defend himself, be funny, keep her on her toes, call her on her lies, and answer her tests.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

It means some females like the hard to figure guy, but since you don't know the female until you get to know them........................................

Be yourself, and if they like it fine, if not..................see ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't play games, then you probably wont fall for any.

---

That is so true... but the thing is that in the beginning of a relationship things are a mystery because both people don't know each other yet, but once you are with someone for a while and they get to know you well enough, then the "so called mystery" is gone. But to me that doesn't mean the relationship go down... it should get even better from that point... thats why I don't understand the mystery part. But me I'm a natural spontaneous, open-minded type of guy. You know??

By keeping your life balanced, with friends, and activities of your own, you will always have a chance to keep your partner interested without suffocating her and there will always be a point of excitement, thats fed by your absence that they can look forward to, and appreciate. They are part of your life, not your whole focus, and definitely not put on a pedestal, from where you worship them, at the expense of yourself.

Giving too much, to soon, is a disaster waiting to happen, and destroys any chance you have at developing any bond that allows communication, and interest, and sets up failure when the high, unrealistic expectations of a relationship, are not met. Most relationships fail anyway, so emotionally investing too much at the beginning is generally a fools bet, and leads to disappointments.

You don't need a partner to be happy, if your happy with yourself, and thats the most important relationship to begin with, and never forget that. That's what gives you something good to share with the right person.

Meeting someone for the first time, and learning is great, but long term relationships seldom are about mystery, and I think young females like the challenge as stimulating, because they are very inexperienced, and like the strong tough type, but trust me, thats not who they marry.

Strong confident men are attractive, but not all females like the bad boy type. That's why I say be yourself, and if thats not what she wants, then there are more where she came from.

Just keeping it real.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't need a partner to be happy, if your happy with yourself, and thats the most important relationship to begin with, and never forget that. Thats what gives you something good to share with the right person.

---

To follow up on that, the moment you start living your life for her as opposed to yourself you are giving up any challenge. If you make her the center of your life then you start doing all sorts of crazy things for her at your own expense. That is the exact opposite of challenge and the exact opposite of what women want.

I used to work with a guy, and if you asked him anything his response was always something like, "What do you think I should do?" or "would that upset anybody?" Sometimes I got the point, where I was telling him, "look I don't care what your answer is, I just want one." Now that is the exact way some men act in a relationship and they never take a stand, they worry so much about her they lose themselves, and they bring nothing to the table because the woman basically carries the load. Then when she leaves they start asking themselves "Why did she go if I gave her everything." They don't want everything, they want someone who carries there load in the relationship.

I hear you but in my past relationship I was doing everything... I mean everything! Suggesting to go here, go there, experience this, experience that, had to suggest going to see her at school to spend a little with her (She never invited me to come see her... not once!). Then when I back off her to get her to kind of step up she wouldn't. All she ever said was that I was too excited, and that I need to chill. She never suggested that we do anything, go anywhere, nothing... she just had an attitude that she was uninterested. She wasn't like that at first though. I mean I felt like I was doing everything, and I got unhappy. I want someone who contributes to the relationship too. But you know it came to the point that I was thinking about what she wanted more than what I wanted. I had to remember my happiness is important too.

Its take TWO people to have a GREAT relationship!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

By keeping your life balanced, with friends, and activities of your own, you will always have a chance to keep your partner interested without suffocating her and there will always be a point of excitement, thats fed by your absence that they can look forward to, and appreciate. They are part of your life, not your whole focus, and definitely not put on a pedestal, from where you worship them, at the expense of yourself.

Giving to much, to soon, is a disaster waiting to happen, and destroys any chance you have at developing any bond that allows communication, and interest, and sets up failure when the high, unrealistic expectations of a relationship, are not met. Most relationships fail anyway, so emotionally investing to much at the beginning is generally a fools bet, and leads to disappointments.

You don't need a partner to be happy, if your happy with yourself, and thats the most important relationship to begin with, and never forget that. Thats what gives you something good to share with the right person.

Meeting someone for the first time, and learning is great, but long term relationships seldom are about mystery, and I think young females like the challenge as stimulating, because they are very inexperienced, and like the strong tough type, but trust me, thats not who they marry.

Strong confident men are attractive, but not all females like the bad boy type. Thats why I say be yourself, and if thats not what she wants, then there are more where she came from.

Just keeping it real.

---

You know... with my last relationship (the one I'm venting on here about) We did spend a lot of time together at first kind of, but then it wasn't a lot... alot because she was working and I was working and going to school, music, and church. She was mature for her age but she was 18 still. Young! And she fell in love way too quick only after about a month and a half. Then I fell in love with her... I should have known better but because she was so mature (which turns out she wasn't) I took her word verbatum. Then her getting ready to go off to school changes starting to happen... me putting into the relationship way more than her... acting funny with me... she don't know if she's in love anymore... wants to cool down on the "love stuff"... I'm too sweet... not being honest with me about her feelings... not communicating... etc... just a mess!! It all turns to the point that my feelings for her were way stronger than her feelings for me... I think my main problem was that "I WAS GIVING TOO MUCH (TIME, EMOTIONS, OPENING MY HEART UP, LETTING MY GUARD DOWN)...WAY TOO SOON" and it ended up with her easily moving on and me taking it has hard as I am at the moment...

But I like how you put that... Ima make sure that I get that in my head... even if I have to read that daily I will...

"They are a PART of your life, NOT your MAIN FOCUS!"

Quote:

---

They don't want everything, they want someone who carries there load in the relationship.

---

And I feel the same.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chuff

They don't want everything, they want someone who carries there load in the relationship.

---

Can someone explain that please..

"Women don't want everything, they want someone who carries their load in the relationship."

It means stop being a p*ssy and be a man

Dude you are so awesome you don't even know it. Most guys would make the same mistakes over and over and over and never learn and here you are turning this situation around for you own future and you own good. From this negative experience will come a positive gain.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Can someone explain that please...?

"Women don't want everything, they want someone who carries their load in the relationship."

---

That is your question and I'm going to answer it by looking at the previous post you made.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

I hear ya but in my past relationship I was doing everything...I mean everything!

---

That is exactly where we start. That is not carry your load. That is carry both your loads and making her do nothing. There is no "challenge" to her if she never does anything for the relationship. She's just there and estentially she's using you and you are allowing it. Women know men are supposed to be strong and when you allow yourself to be used by her she knows that weak and will not give her what she really wants, which is a strong man who is in charge of himself. A guy in charge of himself does not allow others to control him, and that includes her. That is why you never everything. In fact, you should being giving 40% and allowing her to give 60%. If you give 100% to her then what's your value to her? It's not 100% as you would logically think but it 0% because once you give everything, you have lost all your value and are worth nothing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Suggesting to go here, go there, experience this, experience that,

---

Never suggest to a woman. That tells her you can't make a decision. You can tell her your taking her to such and such place and she can say no, but never ask her for her permission. That puts her in control... women want a man in control. A man in control is a man that carries his load in the relationship. Asking her what to do is logically the right thing to do, it says your not bullying her and appreciate her opinion. But in reality woman want a man who can entertain them, and when you ask her what she wants to do, that is not controlling your portion of the relationship. You carry your half (40%) by telling her what you are going to take her to do.

Now if she says something like, "I'd love to go rafting sometime" obviously that's a hint to take her and you can at a later time. But she told you what she wanted, and you can use that as something to do. To add to my challenge thing, my ex actually said the rafting thing to me once and instead of going "uh okay whatever you want honey." I answered, "Maybe if you behave yourself for the next month I'll take you then," and I said it smiling. You can't be a jerk about this you have to have some light humor. Now that's a challenge, because it's funny, it's not a straight answer even though it's a yes, and it gives them something to look forward to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

had to suggest going to see her at school to spend a lil with her (She never invited me to come see her...not once!).

---

That's again not taking control of the relationship. That's pressuring yourself on her which again is not carrying the load but dumping it on her with a guilt trip.

On a side note, if she doesn't invite you to come see her... not once then that's a good clue she wasn't interested. I don't care what she said, you have to pay attention to a woman's actions, because that's how the communicate.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Then when I back off of her to get her to kinda step up she wouldn't.

---

Another clue. When she backs away you back away. When she backs off all the way, you back off all the way. It's kind of like a psychological dance, in that you have to learn about women and how they think emotionally instead of logically.

But this is not carrying your end of the arrangement because she wanted to be left alone and you kept going in and bothering her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

All she ever said was that I was too excited, and that I need to chill.

---

She was really saying that were into her more then she was into you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

She never suggested that we do anything, go anywhere, nothing...she just had an attitude that she was uninterested.

---

She was uniterested. That's why you have to learn to speak in actions. If she's blowing you off then stay away from her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

She wasn't like that at first though. I mean I felt like I was doing everything, and I got unhappy.

---

Well, there's the problem. Once you change she's going to lose interest. Once you get unhappy, she's going to be unhappy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

I want someone who contributes to the relationship too.

---

That is your logical male brain talking. She wants someone who will take charge, entertain her, lead her, and make life happy for her. You did all those things at first and then when you changed, she lost interest. But all those things are what men do to carry there load, when they start dumping that on women, the woman might put up with for a bit but that is unnatural to them so they will leave... or even if they don't they will become uninterested.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

But you know it came to the point that I was thinking about what she wanted more than what I wanted. I had to remember my happiness is important too.

---

It's not important too. It's most important. If you aren't happy then you can't make her happy. When you start turning to her to make you happy it's over. Your happiness comes from within. Furtermore, your happiness is not her responsibility and she doesn't want that responsibility. Nor should you blame her. I work with a woman who b*tches about everything... I mean truly everything. I can't start a conversation with her without it turning into some dilema with in one minute. I know that because I've timed her. Anyway I'm sure you know somebody like that, and after you talk to them for awhile you feel emotionally drained. Well that's exactly what women feel like when the man turns to them for the man's happiness.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Its take TWO people to have a GREAT relationship!

---

Yes, but you have to know what your roles are in that relationship, and when it becomes just you having the relationship you are NOT carrying your load, your just holding on for no reason. Furthermore, if you carry her half then what's in it for her? She has no reason to be apart of something if you don't allow her to be.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chuff

Dude you are so awesome you don't even know it. Most guys would make the same mistakes over and over and over and never learn and here you are turning this situation around for you own future and you own good. From this negative experience will come a postive gain.




That is your question and I'm going to answer it by looking at the previous post you made.





That is exactly where we start. That is not carry your load. That is carry both your loads and making her do nothing. There is no "challenge" to her if she never does anything for the relationship. She's just there and estentially she's using you and you are allowing it. Women know men are supposed to be strong and when you allow yourself to be used by her she knows that weak and will not give her what she really wants, which is a strong man who is in charge of himself. A guy in charge of himself does not allow others to control him, and that includes her. That is why you never everything. In fact, you should being giving 40% and allowing her to give 60%. If you give 100% to her then what's your value to her? It's not 100% as you would logically think but it 0% because once you give everything, you have lost all your value and are worth nothing.



Never suggest to a woman. That tells her you can't make a decision. You can tell her your taking her to such and such place and she can say no, but never ask her for her permission. That puts her in control....women want a man in control. A man in control is a man that carries his load in the relationship. Asking her what to do is logically the right thing to do, it says your not bullying her and appreciate her opinion. But in reality woman want a man who can entertain them, and when you ask her what she wants to do, that is not controling your portion of the relationship. You carry your half (40%) by telling her what you are going to take her to do.

Now if she says something like, "I'd love to go rafting sometime" obviously that's a hint to take her and you can at a later time. But she told you what she wanted, and you can use that as something to do. To add to my challenge thing, my ex actually said the rafting thing to me once and instead of going "uh okay whatever you want honey." I answered, "Maybe if you behave yourself for the next month I'll take you then," and I said it smiling. You can't be a jerk about this you have to have some light humor. Now that's a challenge, because it's funny, it's not a straight answer even though it's a yes, and it gives them something to look forward to.



That's again not taking control of the relationship. That's pressuring yourself on her which again is not carrying the load but dumping it on her with a guilt trip.

On a side note, if she doesn't invite you to come see her.....not once then that's a good clue she wasn't interested. I don't care what she said, you have to pay attention to a woman's actions, because that's how the communicate.



Another clue. When she backs away you back away. When she backs off all the way, you back off all the way. It's kind of like a psychological dance, in that you have to learn about women and how they think emotionally instead of logically.

But this is not carrying your end of the arrangement because she wanted to be left alone and you kept going in and bothering her.



She was really saying that were into her more then she was into you.



She was uniterested. That's why you have to learn to speak in actions. If she's blowing you off then stay away from her.



Well, there's the problem. Once you change she's going to lose interest. Once you get unhappy, she's going to be unhappy.



That is your logical male brain talking. She wants someone who will take charge, entertain her, lead her, and make life happy for her. You did all those things at first and then when you changed, she lost interest. But all those things are what men do to carry there load, when they start dumping that on women, the woman might put up with for a bit but that is unnatural to them so they will leave....or even if they don't they will become uninterested.



It's not important too. It's most important. If you aren't happy then you can't make her happy. When you start turning to her to make you happy it's over. Your happiness comes from within. Furtermore, your happiness is not her responsibility and she doesn't want that responsiblity. Nor should you blame her. I work with a woman who b*tches about everything.....I mean truly everything. I can't start a conversation with her without it turning into some dilema with in one minute. I know that because I've timed her. Anyways I'm sure you know somebody like that, and after you talk to them for awhile you feel emotionally drained. Well that's exactly what women feel like when the man turns to them for the man's happiness.




Yes, but you have to know what your roles are in that relationship, and when it becomes just you having the relationship you are NOT carrying your load, your just holding on for no reason. Furthermore, if you carry her half then what's in it for her? She has no reason to be apart of something if you don't allow her to be.

---

Wow! Really valuable information... I will be consistently reading that too. I am awesome? Don't feel like it... lol

You know the only reason why I suggested things to her was because she said that "I was trying to make the relationship that I wanted it to be." So I start suggesting things trying to include her in some things. You know?

You said when I changed, she started to change. Well I stayed the same guy that she supposely fell in love with. I didn't change at all but when I started noticing that she was starting to change... being distant, not as into the relationship as she use to be... signs like that I simply asked her was everything OK and all she would ever say was that "Im fine...everything is ok" which her actions didn't line up to that. I asked her a few times and got the same reply. Then finally one night she opened and told that she wasn't as excited as she was before, so I asked her why she felt that way and she says "I don't know" I asked her does she love me and I get no response at all. I give her space. A few days later we break up. She calls me back the same day "breaking up is something I didn't want to do" she tells me. So we give it another try. After that the relationship just didn't feel right. But I was still being myself as I always am. Couple of weeks later (which she still didn't know why she felt that way she did... I still don't know why she changed) I break up with her... bc she was still being distant... not the same girl I met before.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chuff

In fact, you should being giving 40% and allowing her to give 60%. If you give 100% to her then what's your value to her? It's not 100% as you would logically think but it 0% because once you give everything, you have lost all your value and are worth nothing.

---

If I'm suppose to be giving 40% and she is suppose to be giving 60%. Now that I know what my job is. What is her job in the relationship..?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Wow! Really valuable information...I will be consistently reading that too. I am awesome? Don't feel like it...lol

---

I know you don't. What's worse for me is I know you don't see it but ask any regular poster here and they will agree with me on this even if they disagree with me on everything else. Most people come to this site get told something they don't like hearing and leave and either sit in misery or blame us for being stupid and not knowing "this girl is different."

You on the other hand are actually asking. You stuck around. You know there's more to this even if you can't see it front of you at the moment. Right now you can't see it, because you emotions are clouding you, but when the clouds clear a lot of what you are getting now will be clear as day and more important will help you grow and not make the same mistakes. That is why you are awesome. Some people, like myself, spent way to many years making the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over and finally after getting tired of slamming my head into the wall, and being stabbed in the back it suddenly dawned on me, "Hey it might be me." Dude, your young, and the reality is this was your first real girlfriend and statistically speaking those aren't going to last anyway even if she was great. But in all this you are saying to yourself, "I've got a lot to learn, but I'm willing." Do you think she is, or do you think she's going to make the same mistakes over and over. In that regard you will win, and winning is awesome.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

You know the only reason why I suggested things to her was because she said that "I was trying to make the relationship that I wanted it to be." So I start suggesting things trying to include her in some things. You know?

---

I know exactly what you are saying. It's logical. It makes sense. It's easy to understand. You know why I know what your saying? Because I'm a guy! Women are not logical. They don't make sense. They can be easy to understand but you have to sort of unteach yourself some of the stuff you've been brainwashed with. For example, movies and TV constantly have men act like you were doing asking for permission, acting like wussies, acting like we can't live without them. But that's not accurate.

Women want a man to guide them and take charge. When you start suggesting things you are not doing that. Remember what I said before, if she wants to do something she'll tell you. Then be a good guy and do it. But if she isn't suggesting anything flat out tell her what you'll be doing and when you'll being doing it. If she disapproves she'll tell you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

You said when I changed, she started to change. Well I stayed the same guy that she supposely fell in love with. I didn't change at all but when I started noticing that she was starting to change...being distant, not as into the relationship as she use to be...

---

But Sweets, you said in the other posts you were constantly trying to get to spend time with her and to get her to do things. That isn't the way you acted when you first met. When you started to give her power over you, she lost interest. When she backed off, you went in even further. In fact you didn't let up. That's not how you acted when you first met.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

signs like that I simply asked her was everything ok and all she would ever say was that "Im fine...everything is ok" which her actions didn't line up to that.

---

Exactly. Women speak with actions and they judge us by actions. When her actions don't line up with her words she is lying. But instead of beating that dead horse you have to back off and give her room.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

I asked her a few times and got the same reply. Then finally one night she opened and told that she wasn't as excited as she was before, so I asked her why she felt that way and she says "I don't know"

---

Dude, that is how women speak when they don't know how to say you've changed. They can't tell you because it doesn't make sense to them either.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

I asked her does she love me and I get no response at all. I give her space. A few days later we break up. She calls me back the same day "breaking up is something I didn't want to do" she tells me. So we give it another try. After that the relationship just didn't feel right. But I was still being myself as I always am. Couple of weeks later (which she still didn't know why she felt that way she did...I still don't know why she changed) I break up with her...bc she was still being distant...not the same girl I met before.

---

Who knows why she is not the same, she's growing and changing. But so are you, you are taking this issue and making it better for yourself. That's growth that matters to you. That's only going to help you in the future. The sad reality of life is, you can change on your own but sometimes real change comes from real pain. That is what you are doing when so many people won't and keep making the same mistakes.