Ask Me Help Desk - He doesn't want a relationship?

He doesn't want a relationship?

Hi guys I need an honest opinion on what I should do..

Me and my boyfriend (well ex now) were together for about 6 months, overall everything was going really well apart from a few minor arguments.. We are both in our mid twenties.

So last week out of the blue he says that he doesn't think it has been working.. says this always happens to him in relationships, that he's afraid of commitment and wants to be single.Says he's probably going to regret it. I assumed there was someone else but he seems genuine when he says that there's not.

I don't think that I am in love with him but I do care for him and there is a very strong physical attraction between us. So now he says he still wants to talk/hangout as normal (and also sleep together). I told him that I wouldn't sleep with him if he was planning on being with another girl and he said that he was definitely not. Basically everything will be the same as it was but we just won't have the title of bf/gf?

I'm not really sure what to do now? Should I keep hanging out with him? I do still want to be together so maybe by doing this I'm selling myself short and he'll never realise that he made a mistake.. But we get on so well and I really like spending time with him so maybe if we keep hanging out he'll realise that this whole break up thing was silly? Honestly we had the best night a few days ago (after we broke up) talked for hours/laughing etc

I just don't understand why he wants to do this?

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But we get on so well and I really like spending time with him so maybe if we keep hanging out he'll realize that this whole break up thing was silly?

Acting like his girlfriend hoping he will take you back will not work at all, especially if he has sex available to him.

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I just don't understand why he wants to do this?

Honestly guys do this to be single and free, and have a few benefits on the side. I know he seems cool, and you like him, but for your own good in the long run you must figure that since he cannot sustain a relationship with you, then you need to get over him, and be open to other options.

Why should you give him the benefits of being with you, without him having to earning them??

He wants to do this because he's old enough to know that most likely he would feel more strongly about you than he does if it were a permanent kind of thing... he doesn't feel that strongly so wants to start the process of looking around and not be a cheater.

Good for him. And good for you, because if I read your post correctly, you are actually in virtually 100% agreement. You too feel it's not a permanent thing, but you're familiar with him and used to being with him, so the breaking off the titles feels wrong to you... a little.

It's not. You're both right... except for the "friends with benefits" thing. Sex is intended to make babies, so us using it for recreation is merely us being fooled by Mother Nature... she wants babies, even if we're not in healthy permanent relationships... she wants babies.

So be careful here. Having sex with someone you have no intention of spending a lifetime with is not in your best interests. Mother Nature wants you to forget that.

Meanwhile, shake off the thoughts that he's doing anything bad "to you" here. He's not. He's just the first one to do what you both know is the right thing... starting to look for that real "permanent thing" love that's out there for both of you.

The thing is I don't understand why we're not in love because like I said there is a crazy physical attraction.. We can talk for hours about anything and there's no pressure. But yet I'm not upset that its over.. maybe cause he says he wants things to be the same.. Ahh he's just so detached from his emotions.. He's had 6 other gf's apart from me and this has happened with all 6 of them.. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him and why this always happens to him.

I feel like it was wayy to soon to end it and if we were together for a longer period then we would have more time to see where it could go. What can I say to him to make him see this? I know trying to convince him will not work but I don't want to end it completely yet.. I really feel as though in a way we have unfinished business lol... So what's the best approach to take here?

You FULLY understand his intention, it is as clear as the sun: HE JUST WANTS SEX, you want more.

So I don't see the point why you are still talking to him. You are only EXPOSING yourself to pain, disappointment and frustration.

I hope brain will still overpower libido here.

I'm going through the Same thing. Serious this time. My ex broke up because he says he doesn't love me. Yet he flirts with me and says stuff to me that he doesn't say to any other girl. There's definitely some attraction there. Now were just friends. We talk, laugh, he ignore me sometimes. Sometimes, the best thing to do is just make yourself even more valuable. Don't give in too much. Hold back on some stuff that you do with him. If he really wants you, he will want more of you to come out. And he will pursue you. Trust me, confusing a guy drives them crazy. Same thing to a girl. I'm not saying to play games with him, but like don't sleep with him etc. If you do too much, he will think that he can still have all of you without having to be bf/gf. Hope I helped and best of luck.

You stated he has commitment issues and he admitted this to you. This was him warning you.

Secondly, maybe the relationship never turned to love because your only have a physical attraction to one another.

Having sex and engaging in actitives that a couple does will only complicate things. I think you will do better by moving on. Your feelings for him when only increase and since there is no commitment he will be free to do what he wants as Tal stated earlier. Move on now because you get in too deep.

I get it that you didn't want it to end, but one thing you must accept, he doesn't feel the same way you do. He has done this before, because he is ready to go after he has what he wants. Once you get over the shock you will realize that.

It sounds like he wants to be with you still, but the whole thought of being in a titled relationship is a big problem with him. Definitely still hang out with him and be friends or whatever because I personally think that he will want to get back together, he just seems like he needs some space for a time. I hope everything works out for the both of you!

<3 kt

Ok so its been 2 weeks since we had "the talk" during this time we have been sleeping together.. A lot.. which is bad I know but it seems like we can't help it. But he is still determined that he doesn't want a relationship.

I'm worried that there is someone else even though he said he would tell me if there was. But if there was wouldn't he be going home with her on the weekends instead of me? I don't know what do you guys think does it sound like there is someone else?

Also I told him that I'm going to go on a date and he got really jelous which is rare for him as he is quite a placid person. But he didn't try and stop me or anything just got pissed off but then changed the subject...

So did you get what you wanted out of this?

Yes and no

Do you think that guys can get emotionally attached if they frequently sleep with the same person? Or does that only apply to girls?

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Originally Posted by Julia_T

Do you think that guys can get emotionally attached if they frequently sleep with the same person?

NO, not as "cause and effect".

Guys will grow attached to girls they want to attach to, or girls they would've connected to anyway even without the sex. Believe it or not, the sex doesn't effect that.

So, you may be giving it away pointlessly if you think it's a drug he'll get addicted to. Meanwhile, I hope you're enjoying yourself, at least, since when it all falls apart that will be all you take with you...

I was just asking more out of curiosity about the subject.. I know what I'm doing is pretty dumb but lets put it this way I think I'm wayy in over my head now..

I'm a male. The physicla attraction I understand. Its like you just want to sleep with the, its normally a feature they have, well that's some research I heard a while back and that attracts you too who they are. Love is different and we are not talking about that. If your both single, go for it but you should try to move on at the same time. Its casual sex. Just stop when you want and if one of you like sum1

Well he said that he is not seeing anyone or looking for someone else. I told him that that was the one rule that if we are going to still sleep together then he can't sleep with other people. If he does want to then he should just tell me and we'll stop.

He agreed and said the same goes for me.. So that's what we've been doing. I keep telling myself I'm going to stop but I can't resist he's so beautiful! I just know its going to kill me when he finds someone else.

I have many guys who want to be with me at the moment and I know I can find a new guy so easily if I wanted its just not the same with other guys I get bored real quickly (I'm not talking about sex here I haven't slept with anyone else).

Ahh I just don't know what to do... what is the best approach to take if I want him back?

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Originally Posted by Julia_T

Hi guys I need an honest opinion on what I should do..

Me and my bf (well ex now) were together for about 6 months, overall everything was going really well apart from a few minor arguments..We are both in our mid twenties.

So last week out of the blue he says that he doesnt think it has been working..says this always happens to him in relationships, that he's afraid of commitment and wants to be single.Says he's probably going to regret it. I assumed there was someone else but he seems genuine when he says that theres not.

I dont think that I am in love with him but I do care for him and there is a very strong physical attraction between us. So now he says he still wants to talk/hangout as normal (and also sleep together). I told him that I wouldnt sleep with him if he was planning on being with another girl and he said that he was definitely not. Basically everything will be the same as it was but we just wont have the title of bf/gf?

I'm not really sure wot to do now? Should I keep hanging out with him? I do still want to be together so maybe by doing this I'm selling myself short and he'll never realise that he made a mistake..But we get on so well and I really like spending time with him so maybe if we keep hanging out he'll realise that this whole break up thing was silly? Honestly we had the best night a few days ago (after we broke up) talked for hours/laughing etc

I just dont understand why he wants to do this?

You have to ask him why at the biginning he start the relation?
So this man is not suitable to be friend with
Alan

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Originally Posted by AmExp

So did you get what you wanted out of this?

Ofcoure you can get what you want but when a sirous man coming to a girl he's should tell her at the start there is no marage at the end just friend ship
Alan

Yeah I don't know why he first started the relationship and suddenly doesn't want one now.. we were together for about 6 months not very long but everything was going well overall.. he says this always happens to him in and he has issues with commitment.

But apart from that he has recently got a huge promotion at work and it is very time consuming where he has to be out the country for long periods. But he said nothing would change between us because of this. Well I guess I will try and move on its just so hard..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julia_T

Ok so its been 2 weeks since we had "the talk" during this time we have been sleeping together.. A lot..which is bad I know but it seems like we can't help it. But he is still determined that he doesnt want a relationship.

I'm worried that there is someone else even though he said he would tell me if there was. But if there was wouldnt he be going home with her on the weekends instead of me? I dunno what do you guys think does it sound like there is someone else?

Also I told him that I'm going to go on a date and he got really jelous which is rare for him as he is quite a placid person. But he didnt try and stop me or anything just got pissed off but then changed the subject...

You're nothing more than a fuqtoy... don't you understand that?
If not, then you need serious counseling.

He's using excuses to get away from you. All he did was just to have sex, you wanted more than sex; you wanted a relationship and he doesn't

As for the agreeing on "no sleeping with other people".. what the fuq?
Really... why do you insist that he can't sleep with other females?

It IS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT.
*sigh* people can't face the reality and keep denying the fact..

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Originally Posted by Julia_T

Yeah I dunno why he first started the relationship and suddenly doesnt want one now..we were together for about 6 months not very long but everything was going well overall.. he says this always happens to him in and he has issues with commitment.

But apart from that he has recently got a huge promotion at work and it is very time consuming where he has to be out the country for long periods of time. but he said nothing would change between us because of this. Well I guess I will try and move on its just so hard..

Whoever said life is easy?

Getting a promotion doesn't mean sh*t. There's no reason why he can't handle a relationship.

Most likely, he just wanted to fuq and that's it.

You 2 dated.
You 2 fuqed.
He wants out now.

Have a heart Hjpan... I mean damn. Do you know how terrible that can make person feel hearing that. He had relations with you and now he wants out. Come on now...

You need to cut this guy from your life. He doesn' want what you want so why continue being around him? It doesn' matter if he's seeing someone or not or who he is having sexual relations with, stop having contact with him. You can change what he want but you can change yourself. You either accept it or you don't, you decide.

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Have a heart Hjpan...I mean damn. Do you know how terrible that can make person feel hearing that. He had relations with you and now he wants out. Come on now...

But it's true.

6 months & sleeping together?
Definitely just getting down in bed.

Yes, I am harsh but the words stand still.

I had the same problem except I was a "bait."
Girls who used to like me messed with my head.. told me they'd want to get serious..

You know what?

I get told that they're committed to someone else or they're taken.

That's worse.

Well hjpan I learned sometimes hearing the truth hurts and everything can't be sugarcoated.

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Originally Posted by liz28

Well hjpan I learned sometimes hearing the truth hurts and everything can't be sugarcoated.

Is that good or bad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I get it... the truth hurts, but maybe because I have been hearing the truth for the past 2 days I am feed up with it. ( That is just me). I think I am also tired of being the bait as you said hjpan. I don't know what I am doing wrong... whatever it is.. it ain't right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmExp

Yeah, yeah, yeah....I get it....the truth hurts, but maybe because I have been hearing the truth for the past 2 days I am feed up with it. ( That is just me). I think I am also tired of being the bait as you said hjpan. I don't know what I am doing wrong...whatever it is..it ain't right.

That's why I don't date for now... girls are just.. frustrating for me =/

I try my best but girls don't respond.

I hear you... there is no point in getting hurt. Amen to that. But let's be real. You know good and well when you see your friends with their little boos, it is sad and lonely situation. I hate having Valentine's Day roll around and yet again I have no one to share that Hallmark day with. Hell, even on any regular weekend. No one. This is truly crazy. I will be walking down the street ( I live in a high volume city), in the mall, where ever and I see people together that just look like an odd pair. I start to have those thoughts of... if she can get a man, why can't I?? This is just down right crazy. I have a lot of potential and I am a loyal and caring lover/person. WTH, I just don't get it. The guys I have dated in the past are either Ivy league yuppies or gangster bad boy types and I still cannot find ONE good one. Ugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmExp

I hear you...there is no point in getting hurt. Amen to that. But let's be real. You know good and well when you see your friends with their little boos, it is sad and lonely situation. I hate having Valentine's Day roll around and yet again I have no one to share that Hallmark day with. Hell, even on any regular weekend. No one. Blah...I am just getting bitter now.

100% agree

All my guy-friends want me to go to Mexico and get prostitutes so I can "increase my pleasure" but I said "no thanks." Girls I used to like and liked back have been cut out of my life. Friends I used to talk to are either in the military, drug addicts, or party-goers.

I'm just focused on improving my driving skills and possibly going for a automechanic degree.. not sure

*sigh* It's such a joke that people say I'll meet better girls in college but I see mostly hoes/sluts and rarely clean girls =/

Oh wow... I cannot believe this. I am a good clean girl looking for a good guy! Atlanta is a lifestyle that I do enjoy but this is getting out of hand that I cannot find one respectable person who is good looking, sweet, and caring. NOOooo! DO not follow your friends advice! NO MEXICO! LOL! Stay state side.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmExp

Oh wow...i cannot believe this. I am a good clean girl looking for a good guy! Atlanta is a lifestyle that I do enjoy but this is getting out of hand that I cannot find one respectable person who is good looking, sweet, and caring. NOOooo! DO not follow your friends advice! NO MEXICO! LOL! Stay state side.

LOL

What I mean is... virgin >_<

Ohhhh... Ain't nothing wrong with that! Why the hell would you want to waste that on a prostitute would be beyond me...

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Ohhhh...Ain't nothin' wrong with that! Why the hell would you want to waste that on a prostitute would be beyond me...

Yeh... a lot of people ask me why and my reason is that I've only slept with one girl...
I'd prefer girls who're virgins cause I'm so inexperienced =/

WHAT! I would not let that get me down. Anyone who is sexually active started with SOMEONE. There are websites, forums, etc that can explain how women like to be pleasured... so that is also the least of your worries. I need to find someone who wants to love me for me and all that other sappy stuff. If you are "inexperienced" doesn't mean you are bad and only need to be with virgins. Oh, and if she cares enough then she would explain her likes and dislikes. Hence... basic communication. Just a thought...

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmExp

WHAT!? I would not let that get me down. Anyone who is sexually active started with SOMEONE. There are websites, forums, etc that can explain how women like to be pleasured...so that is also the least of your worries. I need to find someone who wants to love me for me and all that other sappy stuff. If you are "inexperienced" doesn't mean you are bad and only need to be with virgins. Oh, and if she cares enough then she would explain her likes and dislikes. Hence...basic communication. Just a thought...

Hahaha

I'd prefer inexperienced girl over experienced...

Hey whatever floats your boat... :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmExp

Hey whatever floats your boat... :)

Yeh~ some people think I'm way too picky... but it's because of my inexperience-ness D:

Eventually you will move beyond that simply because as you get older the fewer virgins there are... but I am hoping that does not mean you begin to prey on young women. Oh how I hate that.